Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Real Men of Genius


Item 287 on my list of pet peeves at the office: People who decide to use the decaf pot to make ultra-strong coffee. Typically this is just an issue because I’m the only person in the office who drinks decaf, due to a memorable conversation with a doctor in which the words “heart” and “explode” were used in the same sentence. Today marked what might be a new high or low in the coffee wars as I know that I went to brew decaf coffee in the decaf pot. When I got there someone remarked that it certainly looked strong. I thought maybe it just looks off, though decaf typically doesn’t resemble motor oil. I mean, I put the pot with the orange lid in the machine fifteen minutes earlier with decaf coffee in the holder so obviously this pot would be decaf. Right?

Well, if my tremors, headaches and overall feelings of crapiness are any indication that was really strong coffee. Seriously, who the hell changes out coffee pots while the machine is brewing? This annoys me to no end. I’m sorry that people get upset that I use the coffee machine for decaf just because I really, really shouldn’t have any caffeine. I kicked that habit seven years ago and my body just won’t let me down the stuff anymore. So please, let me just have one pot of decaf. Otherwise I have to go to a coffee shop and pay a couple of bucks for warm, bitter water and if I’m going to be forced to pay for something warm and bitter I’ll start drinking Guinness again.

(And I gave up Guinness because I, uh, had one really long night at the bar and went past my limit for the night and consumed my quota for the next four years. Getting a break up email will do that to you. It wasn’t even an original email, she just replied to one I had sent her a few weeks earlier. I apparently was even worth the effort to hit “write mail”. That bugs me more than the breakup ever did.)

Switching topics, I agree with the comment on the last post. I so need to make a t-shirt folding machine. I should run out and by foamcore right now. As someone whose wardrobe consists almost entirely of t-shirts, some retro as a fashion statement and others retro as in I first wore them during the first Bush presidency, I could definitely use a device to quickly fold my t-shirts neatly. Of course, they’d just get wrinkled when I took the third shirt from the bottom out in the drawer and not even both to lift the others up. I figure a pulley system should be sufficient to solve that problem though.

Actually, that’s an even better idea. How about I line my bedroom (and probably my dining room as well due to the scale of the problem) with a clothesline and then I’ll hang all of my t-shirts from them. This way I won’t have to deal with the pesky “drawer” problem. All of the items will be easily within reach at all times and given enough binder clips I bet I wouldn’t get wrinkles either. Hell, wouldn’t even have to pay for decorations, just have my clothes lining the walls. This might be my best idea since building a generator out of those drinking birds from physics class.

(That’s not a joke, I’ve drawn blueprints. A device that creates mechanical energy without pollution can easily be converted into a power source. I just need a lot of drinking birds to light up my apartment. I figure that I can save money if I don’t put hats on all of them.)

See, this is what happens when I have caffeine…

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