Mystery: Threat or Menace?

And now, back to the continuing saga that is The Pick Up Artist.

Episode 3: Hey Baby, Want To See My Vorpal Sword?

When last we joined our intrepid group of Level 1 Characters in search of a Dungeon Master, Fat Joe gained a suit coat of invincibility, Alvaro showed a need for a Charisma boost, and Spoon decided that he would rather be a Cleric. Since Cleric’s are lame, Spoon was booted off the show. Now only seven remain. Who will slay the Ogre of Low Self-Esteem? Who will conquer the Hyrda of Shyness? Will any of these guys ever even see the Holy Grail? Let’s find out.

After the usual “let’s talk about the dude that was eliminated”, Mystery calls in on the Virgin Mobile batphone to tell them to make their way to the Griffin school for the reward challenge. After discussing how awesome winged lions are (ok, they didn’t but I would have) Mystery tells them the importance of showing passion in your stories. Even more so than what you are actually talking about. So, for the reward challenge they will have to tell a group of women a story. Ok, tell a group of five year old girls the story of Goldilocks. I’m not quite sure how this is training for the club scene but who knows, maybe I should pull out a copy of Grimm’s Fairy Tales next weekend.

Blonde Joe, the dude who everyone thinks is gay, puts together an animated and cute story. Alvaro, who is now being called Kosmo for some bizarre reason, falls apart and I think may have put some of the kids into therapy. Fred, the 45 year old accountant/virgin, seemed to just say screw it, I’m going to lose. Scott, stuck doing an EC impression, realized that telling the same story to a group of five year olds four times in a row is an impossibile task and started retelling the story of Duke’s thrilling East Regional Final victory over Kentucky. (Ok, again, that’s what I would have done.) Fat Joe goes for crowd interaction and it works. Brady put them to sleep. Pradeep gets them all sitting on his lap and ends up being attacked by five year olds. When it comes to the voting by the girls, Pradeep flirts and makes faces to win the votes. Yes, a dude is willing to suck up to five year olds to win a contest on how to meet women. I’d try to avoid that one on the resume. For his trouble, Pradeep learns a magic trick from Mystery to use while talking to a woman. On the plus side, I’m pretty sure he’ll get maced if he tries it. Also, I love how the fact that Mystery goes “I’ve never shared this with anyone” and then it is filmed and put on television.

After that we have the next lesson on the importance of stories and being interesting. This could be summed up best in the words of Henry Rollins when he said that in the first minute of every conversation every guy is trying to convey the fact that he is straight, disease free and not a serial killer. Basically it is the importance of showing that you have a life and options. Personally, the best advice I ever had on this point was only talk about things that happened within the past two months or will happen next month. Shows that you are totally in the moment, even if you have to fudge some timeframes. Mystery also mentions a bit of the Tao, which is a much better tactic than a freaking magic trick.

(Oh, and my doppelganger Scott just admitted to being a D&D player. Jeez, I really could have been on this show.)

Anyway, it’s competition time as we send our band of hobbits out of the shire and into the club. To start they are given their Virgin Mobile phones to place the numbers they are going to receive. (Personally, I’m a big fan of you give the girl your number. That way, she knows that she controls the situation and I don’t have to leave rambling messages on voice mails that I know will never be returned. And if she does call, game on.)

Fat Joe goes out and looks and acts like a cool casino pit boss. Blonde Joe is smooth as hell and actually fit into a random group better than I think I have ever done without heavy libations. Scott, ugh. He tries hard but, man, show some skill dude. D&D players unite or something. Brady, who actually looks good enough that he shouldn’t need this show, needs Scott to introduce him to someone and then does more wrong things in two sentences than I typically do in an entire night. Kosmo showed off my worst habit, talking bad about myself in front of others. The Fred/Pradeep tag team is highlighted by a Pradeep (beep) block that amongst any group of guys that I know would have resulted in a beer bottle to the skull. Blonde Joe wins and it wasn’t even close.

(By the way, the biggest mistake these guys make is that they are all making up stories. Fake careers, fake backgrounds, fake dating histories. That should be the first rule in talking to women: don’t lie. Women know when you are lying. They can also sense fear. They’re much like bears that way.)

Elimination time and in what is no surprise Fred is sent back to the wonderful world of spreadsheets. It really wasn’t fair for him to be on the show. He’s 45 and based on the “half your age plus seven” rule he could only focus on women 30 and up. You’re just not going to find them in clubs.

Episode 4: My First Girlfriend was a Real Peach

After the obligatory “Dude, I can’t believe that someone was eliminated” segment, actually, let’s talk about that. Why does every reality show spend the first five minutes acting as if no one had ever seen a reality show before? Of course someone got eliminated. It’s the entire point. You’re on a game show. Anyway, we start off with my slightly less evil twin Scott getting up early and studying in preparation. Dude, that guy really is me. When faced with any challenge, including meeting women, the obvious solution is “study harder.”

(Also, Mystery seems to have stolen his hat from the lead singer of 4 Non Blondes. Maybe I shouldn’t be taking life lessons from this guy.)

The lesson today is on kissing. Thankfully, Mystery doesn’t teach this one himself and has two of his female friends go over the finer points. Fat Joe raises the brilliant question of “how do I know if I’m going to get slapped” and is told that he “has to be aware of the signs.” Personally, this is why I think women should be required to carry LED billboards to make this a lot clearer. Anyway, after our band of brothers make out with fruit (don’t ask) it’s time for the reward competition where they get to kiss an actual woman.

I’m not sure how to do play by play on this. Dudes make out with a woman with varying degrees of success. I mean, it’s not like I have a scoring system for judging how people make out. Sadly, you don’t get my usual issues of “which way do you tilt your head” and “what about the glasses” or even “keep your eyes opened or closed”. Kosmo wins and gets Mystery talking to him through an earpiece at the club. Apparently we’ve also walked into the movie Roxanne, which will be cool if it means Darryl Hannah is going to be showing up soon.

Challenge time and this time they are sent into the club with the intent purpose of kissing a woman (with her permission). Love how Mystery had to add that bit at the end there. This actually is a challenge and shows that they are trying to become a Pick Up Artist. I’m not sure if the Tao would have you trying to hook up within thirty minutes of meeting someone. At least not in my interpretation of it. Still, this means that there is a distinct possibility of someone getting maced tonight in something other than the D&D sense of the term. Let’s see what happens.

Brady has a drunk girl running her fingers through his hair and he still doesn’t close. Also, why the hell are you asking about MySpace? That’s not good drunk girl conversation. Fat Joe seems to have regressed into that guy at the party most likely to do a keg stand and just blows a conversation. Pradeep seems to want to optimize the clubs sitting arrangements and his only success seems to come from the fact that he is so damn forceful about everything. Oh, and he offered free booze, which is always a plus. Scott, shows momentum, gets blocked, and starts to feel awkward and leave. Again, apparently I was actually cast on this show. Blonde Joe does the best performance of anyone so far and probably should have kissed her. When she says you have a cute smile go for it. Kosmo, thanks to Mystery guiding him all the way, actually makes out with someone in a booth. So I guess what this means is that I need to rehire my coaching staff who used to follow me at bars and act like third base coaches whenever I talked to anyone.

Elimination time and it’s between Brady, Pradeep and Scott. So it’s GQ looks but no skill versus the annoying guy from your engineering class versus, for lack of a better description, me. I’m not feeling too confident about this. And in a decision that can only be called complete bullshit Scott gets eliminated from the show. Yeah, it’s now like tv shows are telling me that I suck (in addition to Everybody Hates Chris being plastered on billboards around the country). The reason Mystery gave was that Pradeep had more potential. In reality, Pradeep makes a much better character and is kept around for storyline purposes. Still, even though Scott had a complete lack of game at least he was earnest about it. Guess it’s time for him to go back to World of Warcraft.

Next week: Hitting on women in pools. Hitting on women in the daytime. The guys cry, possibly due to pepper spray. And since I’m now caught up on episodes, only one recap a week.