The Gospel of Mystery

Here it is, the long anticipated The Pick Up Artist episode guide. For those who aren’t aware of this wonderful piece of television, VH-1 has created a reality show in which master pick up artists teach a group of losers, geeks and dweebs the secrets of life until one of them is named Master Pick Up Artist. It is filled with humor, cringes and just vaguely resembles some episodes in my life. I’ll be providing synopsis for each episode, which should be fun even if you don’t watch the show. Bad pick-up lines are fun for all. Tonight, episodes 1 and 2 with episodes 3 and 4 to follow next week.

Episode 1: Getting To Know You…

The first episode was the pretty basic “meet the contestants and get a sense of the show”. No elimination either though they did send the contestants into a club to see their skill level. So, I’ll focus on the contestants and my first impressions.

The Pick Up Artists
Mystery: The Master Pick Up Artist (which is apparently a union job title) and the overall host and leader of the show. An admitted nerd and Dungeons and Dragons player as a kid who now travels the world meeting women and teaching guys how to meet women when he isn’t working his other job as a magician. He seems pretty genuine in actually wanting to teach guys this mysterious art. Has that cool air of the unknown about him, though I would probably avoid getting the tattoo of red lips on the side of my neck. Still, I’d hire him just to teach me while only using D&D analogies. Also, note to self, twenty years from now when I’m hiring a magician for my kids birthday part remember not to hire Mystery.

El Matador: The only one of the pick up artists who has a look where you could conceivably work a desk job as well. Not much known about him at first as he reminds me of a low rent version of my buddy Gabriel. To be honest, Gabriel would be a much better host for this show. Dude could meet someone just by walking into a bar and grinning.

J-Dog: Another self-professed geek turned pro with clearly dyed blonde hair with black stripes. Basically he looks like a total douchebag. Given that in my learned opinion women pride douchebaggery in a man he probably can teach lessons on how to be a total tool. Still, what a douche.

And our ragtag collection of freaks and geeks…
Alvaro: A 23 year old guy who is actually fit, boxes and has a pretty good look but just seems to be pretty clueless at the whole meeting women thing. In his first test he went in the club and just stood there and talked to no one. Grabbed a beer and a wall and hoped that something would fall in his lap. I don’t even do that, at least not typically. At least sit at the bar and smoke. That’s a start.

Brady: Another guy with a pretty good look who just has low self-esteem. Could go far in this show as he mainly just needs to pull his head out of his ass.

Fred: A 45 year old virgin. Looks like an accountant. Probably is an accountant. On the whole, I get the feeling that he would rather be accounting. Won’t last long as there is an age at which meeting women at bars is no longer an option and he is past that point (and I’m brushing up against it.)

Joe D: The heavyset dude who was like your fifth best friend in college. You know, the dude who was funny at times but was mainly kept around because he always bought beer. I dislike him immediately because at the first test he wore a bad polo shirt that not only ruined his game but would ruin the game of people within a hundred yard radius. Will he get cooler? Will women view him as anything but a friend? For a reason that will become immediately clear, I will simply refer to him as Fat Joe.

Joe W: The easy favorite to win it all. Guy has a good look, starts strong in a conversation but tends to lose the conversation and “women tend to think he’s gay.” That’s not a bad starting point. That means that women think you are stylish, attentive and sensitive. With a little work you’re the complete package. He’ll be known as Blonde Joe, mainly because Vaguely Homosexual Joe would be much too long to type.

Pradeep: Anyone who has taken an introduction to electric circuits course (what, just me?) knows a Pradeep. He’s the dude who asks three thousand questions in class, will argue over words in the syllabus and just generally analyze every aspect of life to the nth degree and then tell you about it in excruciating detail. My four years of college were basically spent having Pradeeps ask me questions because I tended to be someone who knew what was going on while never realizing that I might have a hangover and be in no mood to talk. Will go far simply because he makes good television. In reality, women don’t want to date a Pradeep and guys want to bludgeon him with a shovel.

Scott: Looks like me at 26. Poor bastard. I mean, I could hope for the best here but it took me much more than eight weeks to pull myself together. I’ll give him credit for asking for a girl’s number immediately in the bar. Showed a lot of courage if not any tact.

Spoon: When your last name is Poon I guess you’ll accept a nickname of Spoon. Given the alternatives I would settle for that one. Not only appears to be awkward around women but seems scared to death around them. As if they were some strange mystical creature that came out of the primordial forests and could be poisonous. Not going to last very long.

The Setting: Austin, Texas, which seems totally unfair. What type of a challenge is it to meet cool and interesting women in Austin? Bring these guys to KC and let them work, that’s a frigging challenge. They are apparently using real clubs, real women, and the latest in hidden camera technology. Still, my first line to any woman would be “want to be on tv?”

Episode 2: Do You Have a Towel? My Car Just Hit a Water Buffalo.

So the first reward challenge is to build an Avatar. My immediate thought, and why I’m still amazed my agent didn’t get me booked for this, is “Cool, we get to go on Second Life and make computer characters!” Yeah, that’s pretty much how I live. Anyway, what the contest is really about is giving yourself a makeover and getting a look under the peacock theory. You know, show off your plumage. Hence we get scenes of our band of freaks and geeks wearing tight jeans, getting body waxed and Pradeep performing a cost benefit analysis on wearing a pink shirt.

Brady kills with his style change. Blonde hair, good look with a t-shirt and suit jacket. Spoon won, for some bizarre reason, despite the fact that any guy who wears a tie without a collared shirt looks a) like he time warped in from the 80’s and b) like a total moron. Incredibly, Frank tried to look like a teenager instead of going for the sophisticated suit look. Scott, who looks so much like me at 26 I’m frightened, decided to put in some blue highlights to his hair and wear a pink shirt and gain attention in the same manner as a neon sign.

(Personally, I probably would have finished upper half in this competition. I’d just clean up my hair, avoid any unnecessary piercings and try for the vintage t-shirt, sport jacket look. Outside of that, I’d just, as Barney would say, suit up.)

Then they are taught their first lesson, which is on the opening greeting. And when I mean taught I mean these guys have some pretty heavy duty notebooks out. My man Scott seems to be building a freaking flow chart based on all of the conversational gambits that he is meant to employ. I’m not sure how I feel about having a stock opener. Works in certain situations, definitely helps is you have a wingman with you, but can come off feeling so fake. Always better to take what the environment gives you that to start off with fiction. But here is the test.

Scott crashes and burns. Brady is pretty smooth with a flossing question (not a bad opener actually) and actually meets women without scaring them away. Frank sounds not just like he is reading from a script but as if he is reading from a script from a bad 80’s teen sex comedy. He’s coming across like a really creepy old man here. Blonde Joe has more energy than focus but I still have hope for the guy. Fearlessness is a benefit at times. Fat Joe changed his look from frat guy to mafia strip club owner and it definitely is a move in the right direction. Alvaro asked if people want to see him breakdance. Yeah. Maybe you’re better off just standing next to the bar. Pradeep still hasn’t figured out it is about them and not you. Spoon looks like he is going to have a nervous breakdown. Dude, rejection isn’t that bad. Trust me. Remember Ted Williams, fail six times out of ten and you are still the best. In the end, Fat Joe wins and I can’t really disagree there. Spoon decides to quit the show. Guy was literally scared to death half the time. He needs to make huge self esteem changes before anything else.

Coming up: more bad pickup lines. More failed conversations. And hopefully much shorter recaps.