Time to go over my picks for the NCAA tournament. As always, remember that filling out a bracket is done for entertainment purposes only and is never associated with wagers of any kind. Especially in years when you can’t write Duke into the championship game and be assured of at least getting third place.
East Region: North Carolina is the number one seed and features Tyler Hansborough in a Jason mask courtesy of the fact that he smashed his face into Gerald Henderson’s perfectly harmless elbow. They’ll make the Sweet Sixteen but lose to Texas because a) Kevin Durant is insane and b) the game will be a mental checkers match between Rick Barnes and Roy Williams so pick the team with the guy who will just win the game one on five. You’ve got a great sleeper team in Oral Roberts. They already have beaten Kansas at Allen Fieldhouse and feature a 900 foot Jesus in the low post and that is really tough to defend against. (Sorry, I meant that they had MC 900 ft. Jesus. My mistake.) Washington State is horribly overrated and is going to choke big time so write Georgetown into the Final Four. They’re a good squad, they play a maddening type of offense that you can’t prepare for in a day and in the eighties they had Michael Jackson playing in their backcourt. And man, does that last bit read a lot dirtier than I intended it to.
Midwest Region: Notre Dame got kind of hosed with a six seed as well as being forced to play a tough Winthrop squad. I just have a good feeling about this, though, so I see a Sweet Sixteen run as they will beat Oregon because, come on, they’re the Ducks. Who the hell is afraid of a Duck? I picked Wisconsin through the Elite Eight and I have to say that I hate that pick. They looked horrible in the Big Ten tournament, are without their center, and play the most boring style of basketball imaginable. But, I hate UNLV and there is no one else in that bracket who can really compare with them. In the other half, Old Dominion will be your twelve seed that wins a game. And Florida, led by that tub of lard Billy Donnovan, will just run through this entire region without breaking a sweat.
South Region: Memphis is the only team I’ve ever known to be a two seed without ever appearing on television. I know nothing about them other than Calipari is still coaching them so that means a second round loss to Nevada. I’m tempted to pick the Albany Great Danes over Virginia solely based on a description of their mascot as looking like “a wife beating Scooby Doo.” Not going to happen and I hope Tennessee loses in the first round because it is Bruce Pearl’s fault that I had to deal with four years of horrible basketball at Illinois. Thanks for putting us on probation, asshole. It’s because of you I had to sit through the T. J. Wheeler era. Anyway, Ohio State is going to smoke this region. Pay attention to Mike Conley Jr., their freshman point guard. He is the son of the Olympic triple jump gold medalist and a member of the Conley clan, who ruled Luther South athletics. They were in our conference in high school and were without a doubt the best athletes I have seen in my life.
West Region: I’d love to pick Illinois in an upset but it just isn’t going to happen. I’m just happy that they are in the brackets. Duke shouldn’t be a six seed, they really should be an eight or a nine. Still, I’ll take them to win in the first round and lose in the second marking the first time that I do not have them going to the final four in…in…I think nine years? Yeesh, and in all that time they’ve only won one championship. I’d be more optimistic but I think Paulus has turned the ball over three times already. Gonzaga will win in the first round but lose in the second as the shrooms wear off. Southern Illinois will make the Sweet 16 based on the fact that a Saluki is an Egyptian guard dog and that has to count for something. In the end it’s going to be UCLA over Kansas because Bill Self will never a win a game that matters. Or take off his toupee. Or admit that he is a worthless traitor who shouldn’t be allowed to coach again after the way he left the Illini. Not that I’m bitter or anything.
Final Four: Pretty easy as we’ll get an Ohio State-Florida matchup in the championship game. And here I am forced to make a tough decision. See, back in college one of my good friends was this guy named Pat Bradshaw. And we were both looking at grad schools and at one poin the had decided to go to Ohio State and I had decided to go to Florida. I changed my mind and he didn’t and for a few years we joked about our respective teams as I celebrated a Florida national championship in football and he got one in football. So, that should make this easy, right?
Except that I hate Billy Donovan. I hated him when he was a fat shooting guard at Providence. I hated him when he was a fat assistant coach at Kentucky. And I hate him now that he is a fat head coach at Florida. He runs a dirty program with dirty players who specialize in hard fouls and cheap shots. Just ask Mateen Cleaves who probably could have filed battery charges against Teddy Dupuy in the championship game a few years back. I can’t stand the guy. So I’m going for Ohio State to return the title to the Big Ten.
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