A need to ponder

(Frivolity before seriousness. I’d like everyone to look again at my post from 3/13 where I correctly predict all four of the final four. You know, just so all of you who are in last place in your office pool will know that the answer was in front of you the entire time. That said, I’m still not even going to win the pool I am in. Wisconsin and Memphis killed me by alternately sucking and playing well. Now on to the serious part.)

There has been a question that has been weighing on my mind a lot over the past few weeks and I’ve tried to write about it a few times but all of the attempts made me look like a sniveling kid. But some events over the weekend raised the questions again and I have to write about it if only because I think better when I’m typing. And it’s a simple question, “What am I doing with my life?”

I know, existential angst is nothing new but this has really been troubling me recently. I keep on looking at my life and saying “Is this it?” Like there are a few gaping holes in my life right now that need to be fixed. The strange thing, it’s not as if my life sucks. I’m pretty much successful by all of the conventional measures and live a life of tawdry amusements at reasonable prices. But deep in my heart I know that something is wrong and that is what I have to answer to every night. And it has led to a number of restless nights.

(In a strange way, I wonder if my situation would be easier if I was a complete screw up. At least a drug addict has something to blame. I tend to say things like “I’m just too smart for society” or “I make the mistake of paying attention”. So I end up blaming invisible forces without putting on the tinfoil hat.)

So I’ve been wondering a lot about what I am doing with my life and whether or not I am wasting my life. And that has to give you pause. Especially when you find yourself in your early thirties and discover that you are not technically an adult. I’ve avoided obtaining the wife and kids, the house in the suburbs and a closet filled with twelve pairs of identical Dockers. All I have is hair that is slowly turning gray. And while I used to look at the situation as one where I have a lot of time sitting in front of me now I’m not as sure.

The reason I’ve been thinking about this over the weekend is that I spent some time back at Notre Dame attending a conference on leadership. Sitting there listening to speakers who impressed me beyond belief all I could think about is how passion is so integral to being a leader and I wasn’t sure where my passion lied anymore. Or even when the last time I felt passionate about anything. Probably last summer when I was in Nola. And just being at ND makes you feel like not as much that you can change the world but that you should change the world. That it is your duty to do something bigger than yourself.

So that’s what is running through my head right now. What can I do that is bigger than myself? Am I on the right path for my life? What pieces are missing from the person that I want to be? The questions that you ask yourself when you are sitting in the dark with music softly playing in the background. And for one of the few times in my life, I don’t know the answers.

(Rest of the ND and Backer stories tomorrow. So, I guess it will be frivolity then seriousness then frivolity again. But it was nice to be back in the Bend for a while. Feels like home.)

The five random CDs for the week (another incredible mix):
1) Jack Ingram “Live From Wherever You Are”
2) Cowboy Mouth “Mercyland”
3) Neko Case “The Tigers Have Spoken”
4) The Frames “Fitzcarraldo”
5) Glen Hansard and Markeeta Irglova “The Swell Season”