It is always important to listen to your astrologer...

Since my partner in crime (in the blog world, at least) decided to post about her dream last night I feel that it is my duty to do the same. As always, reading about others’ dreams is an iffy proposition but I really think this is a good story. And it is absolutely true.

I dreamt that I was back at my parents’ house. Apparently they had cleared out the crawlspace and came across some old stuff of mine. I started digging through it and was thrilled to find this old basketball game I had as a kid. (It was kind of like Strat-O-Matic where you got to replay entire seasons with real players by using cards and I kept meticulous stats and ran tournaments and everything). But while digging through the box I came across this remnant of an old cartoon of the day desk calendar. It looked like a Dilbert collection drawn by The Far Side’s Gary Larson. It was showing December 23, and it looked like it was from the early 90’s. Here is what the top cartoon read.

Panel 1: A Dilbertish guy is sitting in this vast contraption with a lot of levers and doohickeys and a big wheel behind him. It is clearly a time machine based on the fact that there is a sign on the front of it that reads “time machine”. Dilbertish guy is just looking straight ahead with no expression on his face.

Panel 2: Just smoke and sparks and bolts of lightning with the word “POOF” in the middle. Obviously the word poof can only indicate time travel.

Panel 3: The exact same image as the first panel. Line for line, same vacant expression as before except that now above his head there is a word bubble that reads simply “I’m lonely.”

Think about it. I couldn’t think of something that amazing while awake. I’m jealous of my own subconscious.

Ok, on to what I wrote yesterday and some further explanations. I knew it would get a reaction and even my personal astrologer chimed in. Here is my horoscope that was texted to me this morning:

“You’re better than they are. You want to escape from mediocrity. Stop listening to echoes of sadder days. Take a fresh, optimistic outlook.”

(When I say she is my personal astrologer I am not kidding. I actually know Kelli. She did my chart as part of a project in my old job. Why I gave up a job where conference calls with astrologers were regular occurrences still confuses me.)

In a way, what amazes me most about what I wrote is how coherent it was. I was going on four hours sleep, maybe, and just got out of bed, walked to my office and sat down at the laptop and wrote it. The only light was from the screen and I had no notes, no outline, just what was running through my head. There are no edits in the piece. That truly was where my head was at yesterday morning.

If you noticed I didn’t post it immediately and might not have at all if someone didn’t request it. I tend not to show so clearly what I mean when I say that I was in a bad headspace or spent some time in the dark corners of my soul. For someone who has spent nearly four years exposing himself (from a writing perspective, get your minds out of the gutter) to anyone in the world who wanted to drop by I hide an awful lot. I don’t want people to know about my insecurities and the thoughts that keep me up at night. I fear that it will change their impression of me. I spend so much time cultivating an image of a guy who is always on the ball, always in control that to show that in a lot of ways I’m not is scary. Though it does show that I am a human being after all.

Do I dwell on stuff like this a lot? Not really. I’ve come to an understanding that yes, people will make fun of me to improve their own self-esteem. I’ll never have a reason why even in business school people would yell at me “Why do you have to be so smart?” as if I was doing something wrong. I never go up to someone and complain “Why are you so social?” or “Why do you always get to talk to the girl? How about letting me have a chance?” I’d be laughed at for that but apparently my main skill is ripe for abuse. But I can deal with it since no matter what anyone says I have heard worse (and most likely from myself, which is a huge issue I’ll address some other time.) But recently I have been getting more and more upset when I see others being picked on. I’ve realized that life is not easy for anyone and I can’t stand people who are intentionally making someone else’s life worse even if it is as a momentary joke. It just seems mean. We’re all struggling out here, why go out of your way to make it tougher for someone?

(Yes, I know that most of what I write is ripping on celebrities. Just remember, they are celebrities and not, you know, people.)

There are a lot of reasons why I was in that mood on Saturday but one of the big ones is this realization of the stressful position I have found myself in. Now I have talked about how much I enjoy having total freedom right now but there is a big counter to it. I do have this realization in the back of my mind that I am about to turn 35 with no wife, no kids, no job, an apartment whose lease is coming due, and no clear plan for the future. That scares the ever living shit out of me. I never planned to be in this position. I always assumed that I would have one of those things on that list by now. I know that I have a family that loves me, friends that support me, people who care about me no matter how stupid I am from time to time and enough skill to accomplish whatever I set my mind to but to be facing such a blank slate is frightening. I think that Saturday morning it hit me and I used that story to best explain that feeling of momentary helplessness. That the universe itself seems to be out to get me.

But the one nice thing about that feeling is that it goes away. It’s not fun when I go into the dark corners of my soul but I always come out stronger for it. View it like weightlifting; you have to hurt the muscle to improve. I’m feeling better about myself now than I did a few days ago. When I go to bed tonight I will know that I have a car full of gas, a fridge full of groceries, all of my clothes washed and put away, a clean apartment, and a day of wonder ahead of me. I’ll wake up at 7 tomorrow, get out of bed, take a shower, put on pants (yes, I will wear pants), make breakfast and take on the day. Because there is nothing I like more than proving to myself that I really am something after all.

Best of 120 Minutes: I’ve been trying to think of a song that I would have blared when I was in these moods in college. This will work. Withdrawal in disgust is not the same as apathy.



The five random CDs for the week:
1) Jeff Buckley “Sketches for My Sweetheart the Drunk”
2) Rhett Miller “The Believer”
3) Josh Ritter “The Historical Conquests of Josh Ritter”
4) The Shins “Wincing the Night Away”
5) Various Artists “Soundtrack to the movie Garden State”

A need to ponder

(Frivolity before seriousness. I’d like everyone to look again at my post from 3/13 where I correctly predict all four of the final four. You know, just so all of you who are in last place in your office pool will know that the answer was in front of you the entire time. That said, I’m still not even going to win the pool I am in. Wisconsin and Memphis killed me by alternately sucking and playing well. Now on to the serious part.)

There has been a question that has been weighing on my mind a lot over the past few weeks and I’ve tried to write about it a few times but all of the attempts made me look like a sniveling kid. But some events over the weekend raised the questions again and I have to write about it if only because I think better when I’m typing. And it’s a simple question, “What am I doing with my life?”

I know, existential angst is nothing new but this has really been troubling me recently. I keep on looking at my life and saying “Is this it?” Like there are a few gaping holes in my life right now that need to be fixed. The strange thing, it’s not as if my life sucks. I’m pretty much successful by all of the conventional measures and live a life of tawdry amusements at reasonable prices. But deep in my heart I know that something is wrong and that is what I have to answer to every night. And it has led to a number of restless nights.

(In a strange way, I wonder if my situation would be easier if I was a complete screw up. At least a drug addict has something to blame. I tend to say things like “I’m just too smart for society” or “I make the mistake of paying attention”. So I end up blaming invisible forces without putting on the tinfoil hat.)

So I’ve been wondering a lot about what I am doing with my life and whether or not I am wasting my life. And that has to give you pause. Especially when you find yourself in your early thirties and discover that you are not technically an adult. I’ve avoided obtaining the wife and kids, the house in the suburbs and a closet filled with twelve pairs of identical Dockers. All I have is hair that is slowly turning gray. And while I used to look at the situation as one where I have a lot of time sitting in front of me now I’m not as sure.

The reason I’ve been thinking about this over the weekend is that I spent some time back at Notre Dame attending a conference on leadership. Sitting there listening to speakers who impressed me beyond belief all I could think about is how passion is so integral to being a leader and I wasn’t sure where my passion lied anymore. Or even when the last time I felt passionate about anything. Probably last summer when I was in Nola. And just being at ND makes you feel like not as much that you can change the world but that you should change the world. That it is your duty to do something bigger than yourself.

So that’s what is running through my head right now. What can I do that is bigger than myself? Am I on the right path for my life? What pieces are missing from the person that I want to be? The questions that you ask yourself when you are sitting in the dark with music softly playing in the background. And for one of the few times in my life, I don’t know the answers.

(Rest of the ND and Backer stories tomorrow. So, I guess it will be frivolity then seriousness then frivolity again. But it was nice to be back in the Bend for a while. Feels like home.)

The five random CDs for the week (another incredible mix):
1) Jack Ingram “Live From Wherever You Are”
2) Cowboy Mouth “Mercyland”
3) Neko Case “The Tigers Have Spoken”
4) The Frames “Fitzcarraldo”
5) Glen Hansard and Markeeta Irglova “The Swell Season”