Oscar Blog 2007

7:01 P.M.: And coming to you live from the Celebrity Wing of the Battling the Current Headquarters it is time for the 2007 Oscars. Tonight I’ll be joined by…by…yeah, this is kind of embarrassing. It’s just me and the hoverbot once again. I need to hire a party planner or something.

7:03 P.M.: The Oscars once again proves that Chris Connelly is still alive. This would be like the Grammy’s dragging out the corpse of Kurt Loder every year. (And I have to be honest, I was watching a video of the Beasties Boys “You’ve Got to Fight For Your Right” last night solely to see Tabitha Soren, who is in one of the party scenes.)

7:08 P.M.: A number of people have asked me about the hoverbot. I mean, it’s something that you can’t miss when you enter my apartment and she buzzes past your skull. It wasn’t part of my original design; I originally meant to build one of those cleaning robots but I went a little too overboard with the AI and it became self aware and declared “that she was above simple cleaning tasks.” Hence, I spent part of yesterday mopping my floors while a flying robot taunted me. Incredibly, this is exactly how I imagined what my life would be like growing up.

7:15 P.M.: Before the gala begins, I have to admit that I did mistakenly call the Anna Nicole Smith baby a he rather than a she. While I knew that I am going to blame the fact that she named the kid DanielLynn as opposed to the much simpler Danielle. However, it is nice to get obscure Simpsons references at two in the morning. And damn does Cate Blanchett look good.

7:23 P.M.: How can they flip a half dozen blurbs under Mark Wahlberg and never once list “Was previously a member of the Funky Bunch.”

7:33 P.M.: So the opening is just a bunch of people talking. I’m not sure if I miss Billy Crystal or not. On the other hand, if I ever get that screenplay written this would constitute my only chance at television stardom. Though anything gets Peter O’Toole on screen is a good thing.

7:35 P.M.: It’s a nice touch that they let all the nominees stand at the beginning of the ceremony. It also allows you to see how the editing people were screwed over and placed at the back of the auditorium again. Ellen Degeneres is our host, which means that we will have less costume changes than in the Whoopi era. Or the Billy Crystal era. Or any era, really.

7:42 P.M.: Maybe it’s just me, but Al Gore should never have shaved off his beard. I really liked that Rocky IV look he had after the 2000 election. His return would be much improved if it seemed as if he had just been a hermit for most of the decade.

7:45 P.M.: Nicole Kidman is going for the Charlize Theron “Let’s place the largest bow possible on my shoulder” look. I don’t get it, unless it is really meant to be a pillow. Plus, I know this is just me, but I liked Nicole better when she was a curly haired redhead. But that’s just me. And it’s the Oscar goes to, not the winner is. Because everyone is a winner here. (I swear that was the reasoning one year. It’s like the Oscars have become a Little League banquet.)

7:48 P.M.: Maggie Gyllenhal got the scientific award gig. These are the awards that I would have been eligible for, if I hadn’t, you know, decided to take the wrong engineering path. A guy I went to high school with, who at the time would have been universally regarded as a screw up, decided to become a computer genius and has won an Emmy and one of these days will win an Oscar for his work in computer graphics. Just saying that I blew my chance to meet Maggie Gyllenhall before I even knew who she was.

7:57 P.M.: Ok, I missed the opening of the Will Farrell and Jack Black bit because I had to catch the end of The Amazing Race. Which meant I probably missed the funniest moment of the night because I had to see if the coal miners were going to get eliminated. Pan’s Labyrinth wins again and they might take all of the technical awards, as should be given that the movie looks amazing.

8:04 P.M.: West Bank Story won for short film and from the twenty second clip, it looked like it was a sketch from a bad comedy show. And apparently it is a comedy based on a feud between falafel stands. Which sounds like the best movie idea, ever.

8:13 P.M.: The sound effects choir: a sign that a) tonight’s ceremony is going to run very long and b) the casts of Stomp, Blue Man Group and Cirque du Soleil were all unavailable.

8:17 P.M.: Have we had a real award yet? I mean, I know that at some point we have to make our way through all of the technical awards but typically you give out the Supporting Acting awards first so that those pictures can make the morning papers. This seems to make for a very strange opening to the show.

8:23 P.M.: A bit of an upset here as Alan Arkin upsets Eddie Murphy to win Best Supporting Actor. I’m pretty sure that Norbit ended up being the death knell on Eddie’s Oscar hopes (as it should be given that I feel that my IQ has fallen just from watching the commercials). Child stars Marky Mark and Jackie Earle Haley (who if I remember correctly, was in The Bad News Bears) get to at least know that as opposed to most child stars in this evening, their wearing of fancy clothes does not indicate that they are a maitre’d.

8:32 P.M.: Is just dawned on me that James Taylor looks exactly the same way as he did a decade ago. And probably two decades ago. Hell, for all I know he was born a middle aged bald man. And Kansas’ own Melissa Etheridge makes the show with a performance that includes advice on how to reduce your carbon footprint showing in the background. Though I have to say, Melissa does show that the best way to become a famous Kansas resident is by getting the hell out of Kansas.

8:38 P.M.: If Al Gore had discovered his sense of humor seven years ago we would live in a much different world today. Or if the Supreme Court would have ruled that the American people should decide an election the world would be a much different place. Not that I’m bitter or anything. Still, it would be interesting if Gore did run for president because I think that he would be the Democratic nominee. Not sure why, but that is what my gut tells me.

8:43 P.M.: You’d think that Cameron Diaz could have been bothered to brush her hair. I know it is an intentional look but I get the sense that she just got out of bed. And the penguins win yet another Oscar. And thanks to a very odd night at the bars a few months ago, I really can’t stand penguins. They always seem to screw up my social life. Oh, and I really didn’t need to be reminded that Ben Affleck has an Oscar and I don’t. But a tribute to writers in film is a nice touch in my own self serving way. Also, it allows for a couple of clips from Barton Fink, a movie better known for it being mentioned in the Simpsons than anything else.

8:49 P.M.: I should have been keeping track of all of the shots of Jack Nicholson. It’s a law, if Jack is at the Oscars he has to be shown at least one each segment. We’re at the Adapted Screenplay award. I like the fact that they had to announce the entire Borat title, which might be one of the longest in Oscar history. It would have been like having that one Fiona Apple album nominated for a Grammy. But Borat loses and doesn’t even get a shot in the crowd. Though the speech shows why some of us go into writing as opposed to acting.

8:57 P.M.: They’ve been having a lot more fun with Oscar commercials this year. Just in this segment we had a pretty cool commercial featuring Wes Anderson (one of my favorite directors just because of Rushmore) and the iPhone commercial (featuring a bunch of people saying Hello and not mentioning that they are building a phone that you basically can’t text message from).

9:00 P.M.: Is it quite fair to be named Anne Hathaway, be a talented actress, and also be incredibly beautiful? To have the same name as Shakespeare’s wife and be all of those things just seems to be so unlikely yet she is able to pull them off. If my prediction is correct and that people use Brit and Anna Nicole as an excuse to just hate the excesses of celebrity culture expect Anne Hathaway and Kirsten Dunst to be the next big mega stars. We still want to know about pretty actresses, we just want them to be sane.

9:05 P.M.: Free Katie! Free Katie! Sorry, Tom Cruise just took the stage and it is pretty much an automatic reaction. Apparently Tom can still get a gig in this town. Or at least a spot giving an intro on the Oscars.

9:12 P.M.: Wow, this is the first time I’ve seen Gwenyth Paltrow in years. She really went off to become a mom. Interesting fashion choice, though I think it works. I’d just be happier if she started acting again. Even though she did better playing British characters than she did American characters. Oh, and Chris Martin is one of the luckiest bastards on this planet. I never feel that I can emphasize that point enough.

9:17 P.M.: Great, now I have to worry about elephants stealing my credit cards. First a giant penguin steals my girl, next an elephant steals my wallet. The animal kingdom certainly seems to be out to get me.

9:29 P.M.: Cool tribute to the past winners of the Foreign Film awards. Though it does remind me that Kieslowski got screwed for the Three Colors trilogy because he was a Polish director filming in France and as a result, wasn’t eligible to be nominated. And Pan’s Labyrinth just got screwed while Cate Blanchett is just shooting up my list of Perfect Mates right now. My God, she just looks incredible tonight.

9:33 P.M.: I might as well just admit it, I wouldn’t mind growing up to be George Clooney. Or at least have his fashion sense. And maybe his hair. Clearly, he is the most successful member of The Facts of Life cast. And as expected, Jennifer Hudson wins the Oscar. While I don’t mind the unknown wins the Oscar story I am a little dismayed by the fact that American Idol is now the launching pad to acting careers. Hell, I’m dismayed by the fact that American Idol launches anything. Better than The Mickey Mouse Club.

9:49 P.M.: An Inconvenient Truth wins for Best Documentary. If there is any cause in the world to get behind, global warming is the one. It might be the most important thing that we can do and it might be the only way we can avoid the epitaph that Kurt Vonnegut has written for the human race, “We could’ve saved the world, but we were too damn lazy.”

9:55 P.M.: Note to self, if receiving honorary Oscar is dependent on Celine Dion singing remember to politely decline honorary Oscar.

10:11 P.M.: You know what I miss…hold that thought Kirsten Dunst is on screen. It would be nice if she smiled. Or wore a color other than light blue. And is that a school boy collar? My god, I am in sweatpants and a Duke sweatshirt right now and even I think that is a poor fashion decision. Anyway, what happened to the introduction of the accounting dudes who keep track of the ballots? It’s like they took the CPA exam for nothing now. Little Miss Sunshine wins the screenplay award, which gives me hope that one day I might be up there stumbling over my own words while talking about a movie based on my dysfunctional life.

10:29 P.M.: Melissa Etheridge picks up an Oscar, as all of the Dreamgirls songs cancel each other out. Given that Dreamgirls is a Broadway musical it just doesn’t seem right for it to be winning Oscars for music. Plus, the Oscars always seems to give the awards to pop stars and this isn’t nearly as bad as when Aimee Mann lost the Oscar to Phil freaking Collins.

10:40 P.M.: You know it’s getting late in the night when I just think that I saw a scene from The Naked Gun 33 and a Third on the Oscars. Kate Winslet, who is the youngest actress ever to be nominated for five Oscars, is also looking quite good tonight. Kate is cool just because she is one of the few actresses in Hollywood who looks normal. So much of Hollywood is in the Nicole Ritchie “let’s see if I can see every rib” mode and it’s nice to have someone with a positive body image on stage.

10:45 P.M.: Time for the “Remember those who have past” portion of the evening, which always confuses me as it seems to be a contest to see who can get the biggest applause. Thus, screwing over the editors yet again. And cheer for Glenn Ford damnit. And Don Knotts, he was on Three’s Company. Scotty gets a mention. And as it should be, Robert Altman gets the last note. (No mention of Anna Nicole, thus completely neglecting her breakthrough performance in Skyscraper.)

10:52 P.M.: I always appreciate the fact that no matter how he is dressed, Phillip Seymour Hoffman looks like he is coming off a bender where he was banned in half the bars in town. Like he went, “They wouldn’t have put whiskey in the limo if they didn’t want us to enjoy it.” Helen Mirren wins Best Actress as expected. As always, playing royalty puts you on a fast track to winning an Oscar. Helen Mirren did do an uncanny job in portraying the Queen, which isn’t as easy a task as one would expect.

11:04 P.M.: Another Oscar for the cast of Fast Times at Ridgemont High as Forrest Whitaker takes home Best Actor. It’s good to see him win for acting, he had taken a couple of years off from acting to direct. Back in the mid 90’s (when I was really watching a lot of films) I started to get a sense of how good of an actor he could be. And that was by watching films like Diary of a Hitman. Peter O’Toole still can’t win an Oscar but if you can’t take one home for Lawrence of Arabia you probably never will. And the curse of Growing Pains continues for Leo.

11:08 P.M.: Martin Scorsesee gets his lifetime achievement Oscar for The Departed. Let’s be honest, that’s what this is for. He got screwed over on a few too many films and this time they had to give him the award. Oh, an has anyone ever mentioned that Marty looks surprisingly like a Muppet? Or is that just a late night delusion.

11:14 P.M.: And The Departed takes home Best Picture. Probably the best choice, Little Miss Sunshine was never going to make it as it is at least ostensibly a comedy. It’s been an off year for movies but the Oscars have been a pretty enjoyable night. I’ll be happy to get some sleep.

The five random CDs for the week:
1) Guster “Lost and Gone Forever”
2) Veruca Salt “Blow It Out Your Ass, It’s Veruca Salt”
3) Veruca Salt “Eight Arms to Hold You”
4) The Postal Service “Give Up”
5) Star 69 “Eating February”