Lindsay's Still Innocent in my Book

I posed my theoretical time travel question to Kim over the weekend thinking that it would score me big points. I mean, not only would I be talking about time travel but my response would be urbane and educated as I would want to travel to Elizabethan England to see Shakespeare’s plays as opposed to, say, St. Louis in 1993 where I could catch a ton of Uncle Tupelo shows. Her response however just knocked me off my feet.

“You know that question is pretty much meaningless to me because outside of the last fifty years or so I couldn’t travel anywhere in time as a single woman without losing all of my rights.”

I swear I did not see that answer coming. I took this question from The Onion’s AV Club and in the two pages of answers that people responded only one vaguely referenced the idea that as a man I could pretty much go back to any time in history and be perfectly fine while a woman on her own would be discriminated against at pretty much every twist and turn. The fact that Kim immediately thought this, and the fact that it was a complete blind spot for me, is one of the reasons I love being with her.

(Well that and the fact that she allows me to discuss time travel in her presence.)

In a news story that is obviously a fabrication of the liberal media Lindsay Lohan had her probation revoked after testing positive for cocaine. Gasp! Not Lindsay! But she seemed so pure and elegant! I mean, it’s not like she was photographed with white powder coming from her shoes or anything…

On the other hand, Paris Hilton will not have to go to jail for having cocaine fall out of a purse that was in her hand, that she had twittered about buying, and that had her driver’s license in it but was obviously not her purse. You know, with all the money that we spend on the war on drugs don’t you think that we could use a little of it to take Paris off the streets? I think that we would all appreciate it.

Best of 120 Minutes (9/19/1993): I honestly don’t remember this one. Evan Dando and the Lemonheads covering Suzanne Vega’s “Luka”. Gives a completely different take on the song as I don’t recall the original one ending with a wail of feedback.

Literary algorithms and other musings

So there is this website out there called I Write Like which theoretically examines the text that you submit to it and tells you which writer you most resemble via statistical analysis. Besides kicking myself for not coming up with this idea first I decided that I had to submit one of my blog posts to the site and find out whose style mine most resembles. Turns out it is that of famed British writer P. G. Wodehouse. That surprises me a little but not by much. I consider my writing style to be more in the vein of Douglas Adams and Kurt Vonnegut but given they are both descendents of the P. G. Wodehouse brand I figure that the analysis isn’t half bad. Hell, it probably gives my writing more credit than it is worth.

(Then again, it also judged a Kim Kardashian tweet to be written in the style of James Joyce so obviously the algorithm still needs a little tweaking.)

So they finally put Lindsay Lohan in jail for what appears to be all of two weeks. You do have to love Hollywood justice where a 90 day sentence can turn into 12 due to the fact that even prisoners don’t want to deal with Lindsay Lohan. At least I’ve been making decent money on my sales of “Leave Lindsay A-Lohan!!!” t-shirts and coffee mugs. (Get yours today! Supplies are limited! At some point this pop culture reference will be moot!) Hopefully, this will give us a few weeks of rest from this story, followed by the usual rehab stint, and then the VH1 comeback special. All pretty typical really.

By the way, while watching television over the weekend I came across an interview with Bret Michaels and I have to say something that I never thought that I would say in a million years: I really like Bret Michaels. The guy was funny, smart, totally down to earth and seemed to be a guy you would really like to hang out with. That is not what I expected from the former lead singer of Poison who put together a reality show that existed mainly so he could hook up with former strippers. But he seemed like a totally cool guy who was reevaluating his life after nearly dying a few times this year. Have to admit I gained a lot of respect for him.

One last thing before I call it a night. Remember that 41 years ago tonight on a soundstage in Arizona we faked walking on the moon. It is either the greatest accomplishment in human history or could have used better special effects. Either way I still hold out hope that sometime in my lifetime I will get to look up at the moon and no that someone is up there. I just thought that it would have happened by now.

Your five random CDs for the week (better late than never):

1) Tori Amos “Sweet Old England”
2) Jon Dee Graham “It’s Not As Bad As It Looks”
3) Sarah McLachlan “Fumbling Towards Ecstasy”
4) The Juliana Hatfield Three “Become What You Are”
5) Various Artists “Les Miserables”

The Fumble: Part Two

I sensed a great disturbance in the force tonight. It was as if a million souls in Ohio cried out in anguish at once. That said, it is Ohio that we are talking about. You have a million souls there crying out in anguish every other day.

No, I didn’t even bother to watch the LeBron James infomercial. If I had any respect for ESPN, which I haven’t ever since they stopped showing Australian Rules Football, I would have lost it just for agreeing to put on such a sham of a program. They basically made a one hour commercial out of a story that they had been promoting ad nauseum for the past two years. My only hope is that LeBron had the hats of all of the NBA teams in front of him like he was a high school football prospect. Also, this just goes to show what happens when a teammate sleeps with your mom. Allegedly.

Your Lindsay Updates: I’ve got two this evening. One is insane because it actually matches what I wrote last night. Apparently Lindsay actually did tweet about her unlawful imprisonment including invoking Amnesty International’s favorite document: the UN’s Universal Declaration of Human Rights. I’m not sure where in that document it states that you can get busted on a DUI and cocaine possession charge and not have to go to jail but it’s the UN; no one ever reads what they put out anyway.

The second point is that her lawyer apparently quit today. I’d like to state right now that I am willing to take up her case pro bono. (Actually, I’m pretty much anti-Bono due to my dislike of U2’s work post Zooropa but that is a story for another day.) True, I don’t have a law degree but I have watched a lot of Law and Order and promise to spend the next few weeks watching USA and TNT to make sure I haven’t missed anything. That and a few episodes of Matlock and I should be good to go. I’m planning a defense in which we declare her an endangered species. Not too far from the truth.

That is all for tonight. Try to stay cool out there.