(Author's note: What I originally wrote for tonight just wasn't working and I'm dead tired so I'm going to try the piece again tomorrow night in the hopes that it will come out right the second time around. In its place, here is a quick chapter from my novel in progress.)
Chapter 3: The Allure of Neon
There is a glorious feeling that overcomes you when you pull into a bar parking lot on a Tuesday night. That sense that you are about to undertake a challenge so daunting that most citizens would look upon you with fear and disgust. You have given up all hope of acting like a proper adult and instead are going to wreck havoc on yourself with no regard to the consequences. Turning off the engine you have an illicit smile on your face knowing that what you are about to do is wrong but you just don’t care.
I really wonder how some people live normal lives. They get up every day, go to the office and then just go home and watch mindless sitcoms all night long. They spend their evenings talking about how they plan to retile the bathroom next month or how their cousin Cindy just got back from Orlando. There is nothing real to their entire existence. If you watched their entire life on fast forward you wouldn’t miss a single piece of the plot.
I simply can’t live my life that way. It seems like a total waste. There are too many books to read, bands to hear and experiences to have. True, I chain myself to a cubicle every morning but it isn’t who I am. That is just where I find myself during the day. Who I really am comes out at night. Typically in a bar.
I’m not an alcoholic. They attend meetings and do things like spend evenings alone with a bottle of Jack Daniels. Instead I consider myself to be a drunkard. I’ll hang out in a smoky bar, drinking slightly more than my doctor would recommend, while arguing philosophy with people I have never met. Inside a bar, especially on a Tuesday night, everyone is your friend. We are all joined by the same purpose. We all need liquid sustenance to make the world palatable enough to experience again. No one is here for their monthly night out, there are no bachelorettes celebrating their upcoming happiness, just a group of people who know that the only place where truth can be found has bottles lined up in neat rows.
When I got out of my car I looked at all of the flashing neon in the bar’s windows and remembered Jay Gatsby reaching out for the green light. All of his dreams were out there on the other dock if he could just grasp them. Love, honor, respect; all of it tied to that blinking light. I thought about how many times my dreams had been ripped away from me or had just faded from my view right before I got to them.
I walked in and my beer was waiting for me on the bar before the door had even closed. Gatsby never had it so good.
Showing posts with label Until We Say Goodbye. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Until We Say Goodbye. Show all posts
Monday, May 11, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Until We Say Goodbye
[Author's note: I'm kind of blank from a creativity standpoint at the moment so I thought that I would dig into some of my older material. Here is the prologue and opening chapter to the novel that I am working on. Enjoy.]
Prologue: I Always Wanted to be an Astronaut
I never intended for my life to end up this way. When you’re a kid and someone asks you what you want to be when you grow up you always answer something glamorous like football player or doctor. Some outlandish, success filled profession where the rest of the world would look at you with admiration and awe. You never answer “I want to grow up to be a faceless cubicle drone just hoping to get through the day without having my soul forcefully ripped from my body.”
And I don’t care how much fun you have in your early twenties, when life simply consists of endless adventure and carefree existence, you always know that those moments are going to be fleeting. You’ll soon meet the woman that completes you (or at least doesn’t actively annoy you) and you’ll move out to the suburbs with your wife and your dog and an immaculately manicured lawn. That is the end goal and not for one second do you doubt that it is going to happen.
But life has a way of messing with your plans. What was always intended never occurs and you find yourself spending Valentine’s night working late in an office for a job you grudgingly perform because it gives you something to do during the day. Not even upset that you aren’t out because you were so unceremoniously dumped that the very concept of seeing happy couples sickens you. All of those dreams and convictions that fed you have slowly disappeared and all you can do is ask yourself “Is every day going to be like this for the rest of my life?”
That’s where I found myself. A seemingly successful thirty two year old lost amidst his life. No one to love, no burning passion in his heart, and a sinking feeling that life had past him by before it even had a chance to start. As if all of my dreams of happiness were as silly as my childhood dreams of being an astronaut.
Fate has a sense of humor, though. Life can take you for an adventure when you least expect it. The world can show you things that you never imagined.
Like I said, I never intended for my life to end up this way. But it makes for an interesting story.
Chapter 1: Some Mornings It Just Doesn’t Pay to Wake Up
Tuesday mornings are the worst. There is nothing more painful than coming to the office on a Tuesday morning. At least on Mondays you have a built in excuse for laziness. No one expects you to be a functional human beings and even the bosses are a little slow on the uptake. Everyone in the building is of the same mindset. No one wants to be there. We’d all much rather be in bed.
But on Tuesdays you lose that societal pretense of collective laziness. You’re expected to be in the office at eight and working whether you have your coffee or not. It’s part of adulthood, I guess. You show up at the faceless corporation and do your job. In my case you do it drudgingly trying to find the point of maximum results with minimal effort. I certainly don’t want to be there. I’d much rather be on my couch watching ESPN Classic and waiting for happy hour. Maybe that is why I spend most of my workday writing emails. At least that doesn’t feel entirely like work.
When I woke up this morning I actually felt pretty good about myself. Sure, life wasn’t entirely perfect and I’d have to drag my body through another day in the office but for once being Brian Evans wasn’t a bad proposition. I might complain about my job but at least I am successful at it. People in the office refer to me as the spreadsheet guru, the guy who can make numbers dance and that weirdo who always has headphones on (depending on how they feel about me at the time). I have a group of buddies who keep life interesting for me. Plus, there was Mary.
I don’t know about other people but I tend not to start relationships. It is more like I awake one morning to find myself in one. No one ever seems to inform me of the fact, there is never any paperwork to sign, all that happens is one night at the bar someone starts asking about my girlfriend and it suddenly dawns on me that I am dating someone. That’s kind of how things were with Mary. Met her at Pops and started hanging out. Before I knew it we were a couple and had actually started to like each other.
We spent the past few weeks doing all of those early relationship rituals. Spending night after night on the phone, secretly texting each other from the office, and finding every excuse to be together. “Want to go get coffee?” “I need to do some grocery shopping, care to join me?” No errand was too silly if it meant a few minutes together. Every word we shared was a revelation. I even made big plans for tomorrow. Dinner, flowers, the works. It is Valentine’s Day after all.
It didn’t surprise me that there was an email from her waiting for me in the morning. That’s just one of the ways we stay in touch. It did confuse me as to why she replied to an email that I had sent her two weeks earlier. All that email was about was how the Star Wars films created their own philosophical milieu. I tell all this just so you know that before I opened my email my world was, for all effective purposes, decent. I certainly did not expect the first words I read this morning to be
“Brian, I’m sorry but I don’t think you should ever talk to me again.”
There was only one thought in my mind after reading that.
“When does the bar open?”
Prologue: I Always Wanted to be an Astronaut
I never intended for my life to end up this way. When you’re a kid and someone asks you what you want to be when you grow up you always answer something glamorous like football player or doctor. Some outlandish, success filled profession where the rest of the world would look at you with admiration and awe. You never answer “I want to grow up to be a faceless cubicle drone just hoping to get through the day without having my soul forcefully ripped from my body.”
And I don’t care how much fun you have in your early twenties, when life simply consists of endless adventure and carefree existence, you always know that those moments are going to be fleeting. You’ll soon meet the woman that completes you (or at least doesn’t actively annoy you) and you’ll move out to the suburbs with your wife and your dog and an immaculately manicured lawn. That is the end goal and not for one second do you doubt that it is going to happen.
But life has a way of messing with your plans. What was always intended never occurs and you find yourself spending Valentine’s night working late in an office for a job you grudgingly perform because it gives you something to do during the day. Not even upset that you aren’t out because you were so unceremoniously dumped that the very concept of seeing happy couples sickens you. All of those dreams and convictions that fed you have slowly disappeared and all you can do is ask yourself “Is every day going to be like this for the rest of my life?”
That’s where I found myself. A seemingly successful thirty two year old lost amidst his life. No one to love, no burning passion in his heart, and a sinking feeling that life had past him by before it even had a chance to start. As if all of my dreams of happiness were as silly as my childhood dreams of being an astronaut.
Fate has a sense of humor, though. Life can take you for an adventure when you least expect it. The world can show you things that you never imagined.
Like I said, I never intended for my life to end up this way. But it makes for an interesting story.
Chapter 1: Some Mornings It Just Doesn’t Pay to Wake Up
Tuesday mornings are the worst. There is nothing more painful than coming to the office on a Tuesday morning. At least on Mondays you have a built in excuse for laziness. No one expects you to be a functional human beings and even the bosses are a little slow on the uptake. Everyone in the building is of the same mindset. No one wants to be there. We’d all much rather be in bed.
But on Tuesdays you lose that societal pretense of collective laziness. You’re expected to be in the office at eight and working whether you have your coffee or not. It’s part of adulthood, I guess. You show up at the faceless corporation and do your job. In my case you do it drudgingly trying to find the point of maximum results with minimal effort. I certainly don’t want to be there. I’d much rather be on my couch watching ESPN Classic and waiting for happy hour. Maybe that is why I spend most of my workday writing emails. At least that doesn’t feel entirely like work.
When I woke up this morning I actually felt pretty good about myself. Sure, life wasn’t entirely perfect and I’d have to drag my body through another day in the office but for once being Brian Evans wasn’t a bad proposition. I might complain about my job but at least I am successful at it. People in the office refer to me as the spreadsheet guru, the guy who can make numbers dance and that weirdo who always has headphones on (depending on how they feel about me at the time). I have a group of buddies who keep life interesting for me. Plus, there was Mary.
I don’t know about other people but I tend not to start relationships. It is more like I awake one morning to find myself in one. No one ever seems to inform me of the fact, there is never any paperwork to sign, all that happens is one night at the bar someone starts asking about my girlfriend and it suddenly dawns on me that I am dating someone. That’s kind of how things were with Mary. Met her at Pops and started hanging out. Before I knew it we were a couple and had actually started to like each other.
We spent the past few weeks doing all of those early relationship rituals. Spending night after night on the phone, secretly texting each other from the office, and finding every excuse to be together. “Want to go get coffee?” “I need to do some grocery shopping, care to join me?” No errand was too silly if it meant a few minutes together. Every word we shared was a revelation. I even made big plans for tomorrow. Dinner, flowers, the works. It is Valentine’s Day after all.
It didn’t surprise me that there was an email from her waiting for me in the morning. That’s just one of the ways we stay in touch. It did confuse me as to why she replied to an email that I had sent her two weeks earlier. All that email was about was how the Star Wars films created their own philosophical milieu. I tell all this just so you know that before I opened my email my world was, for all effective purposes, decent. I certainly did not expect the first words I read this morning to be
“Brian, I’m sorry but I don’t think you should ever talk to me again.”
There was only one thought in my mind after reading that.
“When does the bar open?”
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Yes, I hang out at coffee shops now. I'm so arty.
From the Oddities of Modern Life File: A few days ago I saw in a strip mall a store called Simply Amish. What other options for an Amish store would there be? Extravagently Amish? Pimp Your Ride the Amish Way? Also, does the store have electricity? That would really seem to go against the entire theme. At a minimum they should use the old carbon sheets for credit card payments as opposed to an internet connection.
Should I be ashamed at how interested I was in the final episode of The Biggest Loser tonight? Or the fact that I think that I watched every episode this season? Not every moment of every episode, given that it often broke down into watching grown men cry for five minutes at a time followed by an in show ad for Extra Sugar Free Gum (It’s like eating but it’s not!). Hell, even the finale featured a blatant plug for Subway, which was promoted as a healthy eating option for little kids because they need foot long sandwiches at their age.
As much as I was hoping for it, none of the contestants actually gained weight over the four months they were on the show. Not that I was hoping for anyone to fail miserably; I just wanted to see how the producers would try to spin that one. For the most part I was incredibly impressed by what the contestants accomplished. I think the lowest percentage weight loss was 20% and a lot of them look really good. The winners lost about 45% of their starting weight, which is insane and requires them to get to a weight that I still don’t know if it is healthy. They aren’t skinny but I’m of a belief that you need to have some weight on you. Back when I was six one and weighed 150 pounds I was officially within the normal weight range for my height. But trust me, it wasn’t healthy at all.
On my current weight loss goals on Monday I weighed in at 193.5 pounds just 3.5 pounds shy of my overall goal. See, once I get to 190 I can tell my doctors to screw off because I will no longer officially be considered overweight. True, I’ll still have all of my medical issues but at least I will not be deemed a fatty per a chart. This is down from my max of 215 (when I really did feel as if I was fat) so I’m proud of what I’ve done. Been doing runs of three and a half miles on the treadmill recently with minimal issues so I actually feel like I have some stamina once again. Nice thing about having free time; it is much easier to work out now.
(Oh, but I should remind myself to not go out drinking immediately after running three and a half miles. I did that on Friday and let’s just say that the beer hit me much quicker than I expected it to. Not particularly fun though it did get me playing Dance Dance Revolution, which is also something I should not do after running. Given my rhythm it is probably something I should never do in the first place.)
Anyway, time to explain the picture at the top of the page. As my goal of completing a massive jigsaw puzzle has been, uh, sidetracked for the time being I decided to keep my stalker happy by getting focused on the novel. (Given that the novel is #2 on my list of things to do and the puzzle is #6 I should have tackled them it that order to begin with. Learning to juggle still tops the list though.) Since yesterday taught me that working in my home office can be a bit of a challenge I decided to be the bohemian slacker that I am and go to a coffee shop.
So I have moved from a cube to this. Armed with a rather massive cup of coffee I am joined by Julie the Laptop as well as Julie the Zune. Yeah, I still have the whole Julie Delpy obsession going. For those who remember, Julie is my old laptop who spent nearly six years as my daily companion. We’ve been through everything together; moves, promotions, storms, all faced side by side. That is of course until I turfed her last year for a newer model. But like all guys I have come crawling back hoping for forgiveness.
More accurately, Julie is smaller than my current laptop and is a lot easier to carry. Plus six years of daily use means that I am just innately used to the keyboard even if the letters have actually been worn off of the keypad. It also has a great laziness protector as she predates wi-fi so I can’t even get online when I use her. It is all business when I fire her up.
That’s what today was. Four hours of working on the novel at least in terms of setup. I ended up with a two page synopsis of the entire story, an outline with about 60 preliminary chapter ideas with the first seven or eight set in stone ready to get started, and a full cast of characters. Including a brand new character that I only thought up today who might end up stealing the entire novel. She’s already worked her way into the opening chapter and I’ve had that planned for four years. Writing will start tomorrow, let’s set a 45 day goal on this, and I’ll hopefully be done by the end of May. Anyone willing to bet me on my ability to do this (with all proceeds going to autism research) please let me know. Game on.
Should I be ashamed at how interested I was in the final episode of The Biggest Loser tonight? Or the fact that I think that I watched every episode this season? Not every moment of every episode, given that it often broke down into watching grown men cry for five minutes at a time followed by an in show ad for Extra Sugar Free Gum (It’s like eating but it’s not!). Hell, even the finale featured a blatant plug for Subway, which was promoted as a healthy eating option for little kids because they need foot long sandwiches at their age.
As much as I was hoping for it, none of the contestants actually gained weight over the four months they were on the show. Not that I was hoping for anyone to fail miserably; I just wanted to see how the producers would try to spin that one. For the most part I was incredibly impressed by what the contestants accomplished. I think the lowest percentage weight loss was 20% and a lot of them look really good. The winners lost about 45% of their starting weight, which is insane and requires them to get to a weight that I still don’t know if it is healthy. They aren’t skinny but I’m of a belief that you need to have some weight on you. Back when I was six one and weighed 150 pounds I was officially within the normal weight range for my height. But trust me, it wasn’t healthy at all.
On my current weight loss goals on Monday I weighed in at 193.5 pounds just 3.5 pounds shy of my overall goal. See, once I get to 190 I can tell my doctors to screw off because I will no longer officially be considered overweight. True, I’ll still have all of my medical issues but at least I will not be deemed a fatty per a chart. This is down from my max of 215 (when I really did feel as if I was fat) so I’m proud of what I’ve done. Been doing runs of three and a half miles on the treadmill recently with minimal issues so I actually feel like I have some stamina once again. Nice thing about having free time; it is much easier to work out now.
(Oh, but I should remind myself to not go out drinking immediately after running three and a half miles. I did that on Friday and let’s just say that the beer hit me much quicker than I expected it to. Not particularly fun though it did get me playing Dance Dance Revolution, which is also something I should not do after running. Given my rhythm it is probably something I should never do in the first place.)
Anyway, time to explain the picture at the top of the page. As my goal of completing a massive jigsaw puzzle has been, uh, sidetracked for the time being I decided to keep my stalker happy by getting focused on the novel. (Given that the novel is #2 on my list of things to do and the puzzle is #6 I should have tackled them it that order to begin with. Learning to juggle still tops the list though.) Since yesterday taught me that working in my home office can be a bit of a challenge I decided to be the bohemian slacker that I am and go to a coffee shop.
So I have moved from a cube to this. Armed with a rather massive cup of coffee I am joined by Julie the Laptop as well as Julie the Zune. Yeah, I still have the whole Julie Delpy obsession going. For those who remember, Julie is my old laptop who spent nearly six years as my daily companion. We’ve been through everything together; moves, promotions, storms, all faced side by side. That is of course until I turfed her last year for a newer model. But like all guys I have come crawling back hoping for forgiveness.
More accurately, Julie is smaller than my current laptop and is a lot easier to carry. Plus six years of daily use means that I am just innately used to the keyboard even if the letters have actually been worn off of the keypad. It also has a great laziness protector as she predates wi-fi so I can’t even get online when I use her. It is all business when I fire her up.
That’s what today was. Four hours of working on the novel at least in terms of setup. I ended up with a two page synopsis of the entire story, an outline with about 60 preliminary chapter ideas with the first seven or eight set in stone ready to get started, and a full cast of characters. Including a brand new character that I only thought up today who might end up stealing the entire novel. She’s already worked her way into the opening chapter and I’ve had that planned for four years. Writing will start tomorrow, let’s set a 45 day goal on this, and I’ll hopefully be done by the end of May. Anyone willing to bet me on my ability to do this (with all proceeds going to autism research) please let me know. Game on.
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