Tuesday, April 08, 2008

My reality just slightly tops reality TV

As I am now unemployed, I find myself undertaking various tasks that are fitting to my current situation. Such as going out on a Monday night and then spending Tuesday wandering around in a fog until making macaroni and cheese for lunch sounds like a perfectly reasonable idea. We’re not talking about any fancy recipe mac and cheese here. We’re talking Kraft, fluorescent orange, mac and cheese. I didn’t even spring for the dinosaur shaped noodles. I keep it old school.

What is interesting is the amazingly detailed directions you find on the box. Not only do they tell you to boil water but they actually show you specifically what level to set the burner to. I find that very useful as I tend to view the kitchen the same as viewed my chemistry labs in college. I don’t want to be there, I have an unnerving sense that if I make a mistake I might end up in the hospital, and the only reason I’m going through with this is some misplaced opinion that it will one day impress a woman. Hence, when they tell me to use six cups of water I am measuring out exactly six cups of water. I use a stopwatch for cooking times. Kraft thankfully provides me with these important details as I settle down to cook (or at least make) mac and cheese. This is possibly because they made the instructions to be understood by a nine year old as opposed to someone with multiple degrees. Sometimes I’m amazed that I’ve made it this far on my own.

Next step on the unemployment express, getting me one of those General Grievous motorcycles as mentioned in the comments. Have to love any vehicle that takes the inherent instability of a motorcycle and ups it by essentially turning it into a motorized unicycle. It seems to be an awfully dangerous form of transportation for someone whose heart is exposed in a plastic container outside of his robotic body (wow, that is a metaphor for myself that I haven’t used yet.) Apparently the empire cut funding to their engineering schools because their designs are awfully flawed. Maybe they should consider outsourcing.

Switching gears, I did watch a bit of The Biggest Loser tonight. I couldn’t watch all of it mainly because I have gotten rather bored of watching grown men cry over how much weight that they’ve lost. I’ve never quite understood this aspect of reality shows. Every time someone is voted off there is a tearful goodbye to the point that you think that the contestant is going to be given the Old Yeller treatment as soon as they go off screen. When in reality they are going back home for a few blissful days of not being recorded every moment of every day. Sure, I understand why the losing contestant is crying because they could have won money if they stayed. But it’s not like the other contestants are never going to see him again.

Oh, and while flipping around the dial yesterday I found proof that by the end of the year everyone will be on television. Coming soon on Animal Planet “Groomer Has It”. Hosted by Jai, the culture guy from Queer Eye, this show features twelve dog groomers in competition to prove who has the top dog grooming skills. With elimination challenges and drama and intrigue and villains and what the hell am I writing here? It’s a show about people who cut dogs’ hair! A species that has existed for thousands of years without ever needing any additional grooming. At least on Top Chef I watch people cook and I do technically have to eat. The dog will just shed in summer. Yeah, it’s horrible for the carpet but at least it is not the basis of a game show. And people wonder why I’m so cynical.

1 comment:

Foodie said...

Just so you know, one of my favorite things to eat is Kraft mac and cheese with bacon in it.

Also, I have this thing about General Grievous. He is my son's favorite Star Wars character and I have to hear about him every day. That and the "Joymaker" which I really thought was an inappropriate name for a children's toy - even if as he says you are supposed to be nine to be able to play with it.
We finally figured out after months of this that he was trying to say Droid Maker. Doesn't clear anything up for me but at least that doesn't sound like a sex toy.
Boys are weird.