7:58 P.M.: And we are coming to you live from the grammar wing of the Battling the Current headquarters for the 2009 Scripps National Spelling Bee. Let’s get ready to spellble!
7:59 P.M.: The rules are simple. I am going to watch ABC’s live coverage of the finals of the Spelling Bee and make snide comments as it goes along.
8:00 P.M.: Let’s bring on the finalists! What the hell, one of them has a moustache? I’m 35 and I can’t even grow a moustache. Illinois well represented amongst the finalsists.
8:05 P.M.: Serena, who quilts, takes pictures and paints, seems to have been born a 45 year old woman with several cats. She also throws books around when she gets upset. What a surprise that she is home schooled. She gets a word right that I don’t think I’ve ever heard of.
8:14 P.M.: Here is what is worrying me. They are now showing their second vignette on one of the finalists. A vignette that was obviously filmed weeks ahead of time and carefully edited. Now obviously they did not do this for every single contestant in the competition. This means that someone somewhere has ranked ahead of time ten year old spellers. Imagine being given that assignment.
8:17 P.M.: Hey, a girl from Olathe! As long as there are no words dealing with evolution she should go far.
8:19 P.M.: There is a new Eddie Murphy movie coming out. Remind me, are we still in the era of every movie Eddie Murphy makes is a pile of suck or are we at career renaissance number seven for him?
8:24 P.M.: Oh, and we have our first knock out of the night on a word with two r’s in a row. Thus the hopes of the people of Nevada goes down in flames. Erin Andrews (the pride of the University of Florida) is in the backstage area to provide the same level of expert commentary as she brings to all sporting events. Which is, primarily, very good hair.
8:29 P.M.: My personal fave, Tim Ruiter (because he has the same glasses and bad hair that I did as a kid) nails his word and we are through the first round. Ten nerds remain.
8:30 P.M.: For those wondering, I never officially entered either the spelling bee or the geography bee as a kid. I never knew how to participate and I would probably have done better on the geography side than the spelling side. I did however, win a congressional district wide history quiz that was actually pretty intense and led to my meeting my congressman and winning 100 bucks. First time that trivia proved profitable for me.
8:38 P.M.: Oh and Serena is knocked out. Surprising in that there are no tears from her. Strength from the future cat lady.
8:39 P.M.: Kyle from Peoria, in his bright neon green shirt, still doesn’t appear to have woken up. It is either confidence or it is past his bedtime.
8:48 P.M.: The girl from Olathe is inspired by a former Spelling Bee winner. On the list of people that I looked up to in life, spelling bee winners are not on my list. And I am as geeky as they come. Ooh, and I finally got a word: blancmange. Mainly from a Monty Python sketch.
8:52 P.M.: Many contestants have the habit of writing either on their hand or their card to try to get the word right. This wouldn’t be me as I would be the one looking up in the air instead. And we have lost our favorite as last year’s runner up Super Siddhart has been knocked out of the competition. He’s now forced to a future of medical school.
8:55 P.M.: And the bloodbath continues as another contestant gets knocked out. She has the presence of mind to say ding as the bell rings so that is cool. There are some people who think it might be cruel of me to make fun of 13 year olds in this competition. However, that doesn’t come close to being told that you are an idiot by having a bell rung.
8:58 P.M.: My boy Tim is up with his favorite band listed as They Might Be Giants. What a freaking surprise. He nails the word and we have seven spellers, four girls and three boys.
9:09 P.M.: At some point I would ask for a definition of the definition. Either that or ask if the judge could spell it for me. By the way, has anyone tried the Kentucky Grilled Chicken yet? I’m curious as to how it tastes. I know that I just made a bizarre segue there but what would you do if you’ve been watching kids spell for the past seventy minutes.
9:15 P.M.: Jeez, not only do the losing kids have to remain on stage so do their families. In my day if I lost in a contest my dad would immediately start the car and we certainly weren’t going to stop at McDonald’s on the way home.
9:16 P.M.: My boy Tim’s favorite food is dark chocolate. I’m not sure if that is technically a food. More like an ingredient. Still he rocks out and is our sole remaining home schooled kid left so I have to root for him because it’s not like he has any classmates cheering him on.
9:35 P.M.: We still have seven kids left. I am beginning to wonder just how late this can go. Also, the kids have been slightly normal. Well, at least from my point of view. I had more eccentricities as a kid in these types of contests (and a desire to win that was frightening.) It is what happens when academics is your field of competition.
9:42 P.M.: We finally knock out another contestant and have our first mention of a schwa sound. I was taught the importance of a schwa sound as a child and have lived the rest of my life without ever having to use it. And we have our second cheese word in about ten minutes. So the best way to win the contest is to be a cheesemonger’s son.
9:46 P.M.: And Kennyi, who was providing the comic relief tonight, got eliminated on a word about a type of pancake that was derived via about three quarters of eastern Europe. He really did a hell of a job and already got to spend time with Erin Andrews. I also like the fact that when he heard the word spelled correctly he went, “I still don’t know it.” That was my favorite way to lose at trivia. I never felt bad at missing a question where after hearing the answer I still didn’t have a clue.
9:52 P.M.: We are down to the final four with my boy Tim still in it having correctly spelled jacqueminot, a word that I also correctly spelled. My vague knowledge of French occasionally comes in handy. Actually it never comes in handy. Anyone ever wonder why you are taught so many subjects that you never use again? Did I really need to know what the word umbrella was in French?
9:57 P.M.: Just once I want to hear the language of origin be “Klingon.” Oh, and Kyle gets knocked out on a rather difficult word and he still doesn’t show any emotion. To be honest I don’t think that he has cared this entire competition.
10:02 P.M.: Down to the final three and the championship round. Twenty five words to a finish and we have now reached the point where even I don’t have a clue what any of the words mean. We have a girl from Springfield, a girl from Olathe, and a home school kid who looked like me if I stayed away from school in an attempt to protect myself from wedgies. And Grey’s Anatomy will still be shown in its entirety at the end of the broadcast. Yes, the spelling bee is running long.
10:05 P.M.: Hey the winner gets a copy of Encyclopedia Brittanica. Not like that is necessary during the time of Wikipedia. Also, the two girls left went to pre-school together. Somehow I have a feeling they weren’t the two eating the paste.
10:11 P.M.: By the way, anyone want to road trip to Baltimore this weekend? They are hosting the World Series of Flip Cup and I need to get a team together. I may no longer be able to compete in spelling bees because of my drinking but I can still compete in drinking because of my drinking. And we just lost another contestant. Down to the final two.
10:13 P.M.: Olathe girl gets it right and now my boy Tim has to get this right to stay in it. And he blows it and the crown goes to Olathe! Except it doesn’t in a rule that doesn’t quite make sense to me. She has to spell this next word right to win. Laodicean for the win…and she gets it! And now, like all talented people from Kansas, she will soon move to another part of the country.
That’s it for tonight. Check back over the weekend as I am bringing back the 80’s Weekend Rewind. Because nothing is better than nostalgia when the present isn’t meeting your expectations.
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