3:03 P.M.: And we are coming to you live from Battling the Current Sports Headquarters as we are providing live coverage of the Gold Medal Game between the United States and Canada. It is Bacon vs. Canadian Bacon, Rush vs. REO Speedwagon, the Metric System vs. the real way to measure things. In short, the planet’s two greatest rivals compete in the ultimate showdown.
3:06 P.M.: Same rules as always for the live blog. I’ll sit around and watch the game making snide comments all the while. I will also try to make vague sexual innuendos using terms such as five hole, line shift, and two line pass.
3:07 P.M.: I think that Don Cherry just broke my HD set. For those who don’t understand who that he the official statement is that he is a Canadian icon that no one else can quite comprehend. Imagine John Madden crossed with RuPaul.
3:11 P.M.: For the record, this game will have nothing in common with the Miracle on Ice game. That was a bunch of college kids going up against professionals during the time in which the threat of a pre-emptive nuclear strike was so strong that even as a six year old I was fairly confident that I was not going to see my twenty first birthday. This is a matchup of two sets of professionals, many of whom play for the same team. It is a slight difference.
3:20 P.M.: And we drop the puck. You know what would be awesome? If the puck glowed. It would be much easier to follow. And it could have a streak like a comet’s tail behind it on a slapshot. I can’t believe that no one has thought about that before.
3:22 P.M.: Yes, we know that Ryan Miller went to Michigan State. Seriously, it is not that much of an accomplishment. Better than Arizona State, not as impressive as Minnesota State (because any school that hires Dauber is good enough for me.)
3:28 P.M.: Seven minutes in and no score. Americans are playing well so far with the puck being mainly on the Canadian end. Beatles and Rolling Stones songs seem to be the soundtrack of choice in Vancouver this afternoon.
3:32 P.M.: Chris Drury is one of the few people on the planet whose life I envy. Olympic medalist, Stanley Cup Champion, and, oh, he just happened to be the winning pitcher in the Little League World Series as a kid. If he had the Millennium Falcon playset as a kid he may have the most perfect life ever imagined by man.
3:37 P.M.: Jack Johnson apparently plays for the Americans. Kind of surprising. He always seemed more like a laid back surfer type to me rather than a hard hitting defenseman.
3:40 P.M.: Crap, the Canadians just scored. At least it was scored by a Blackhawk so I am not entirely upset. Though why they just broke into a soccer chant in the Olympics hockey final is beyond me. This marks the first time that the Americans have trailed all tournament.
3:43 P.M.: No way that was a penalty ref! Why don’t you just go have another doughnut. And some Tim Horton’s coffee given you’re obviously a Canadian referee.
3:51 P.M.: “The probing has continued.” Now that is a line that I typically do not here during sports commentary.
3:52 P.M.: It is rather amazing watching hockey without commercial breaks. There is so much more flow to the game than you usually see. True, I have no idea what beer to drink now because I have not been constantly reminded of the proper beverage to pursue in order to appear attractive to the opposite sex but the hockey has been better.
3:53 P.M.: And that is the first period with the Canucks leading 1 – 0. Time for the Zamboni.
3:54 P.M.: Can I just say that I have to thank eTrade for introducing the words “shankopotamous” and “milkaholic” to my every day vocabulary. Yes, talking babies are the lowest level of marketing but at least they have given them interesting things to say.
4:07 P.M.: The ice is clean, the zambonis have returned to their pens and the teams are going in the other directions. Let’s get this party started! (Note: said party may not actually exist not does its start depend on an official pronouncement.)
4:08 P.M.: It is a little difficult to get a chant going of Can – A – Da. It just doesn’t sound right. Not because the Canadians can not be patriotic. More like it is very hard to have a real powerful chant when the last thing you say is “Duh.”
4:11 P.M.: Ok, that was high sticking on the Americans. But if you can’t take being hit in the head with a stick you probably shouldn’t be playing hockey. Should have been a no call.
4:14 P.M.: Awesome! We get a make up call. Power play for the Americans due to an interference call. Don’t know what causes an interference penalty but I am certain that the Canadians did it.
4:17 P.M.: Have to admit that that was a sweet little goal by Canada there. Loose puck bounces to the front of the net and a quick shot makes it 2 – 0. Not the start I was hoping for as the Americans will really need to pull out the stops from here on out.
4:27 P.M.: Finally we have some action. Chicago Blackhawk Patrick Kane scores on the deflection to make it 2 – 1. It’s been a pretty good game so far which is why I haven’t been writing as much. I’m too interested in watching the game and play by play would basically consist of me writing “They’re all skating one way….Now they’re all skating the other way.”
4:34 P.M.: It is now tradition for goalies to have the most incredible masks imaginable. Ryan Miller has an American Eagle and Uncle Sam on his both of which look like they have really bad attitudes. The Canadian goalie has images of maple syrup and Celine Dion on his. Pretty much even there.
4:43 P.M.: We’re through two periods. Time to figure out who is the Great One and who is Marty McSorely.
5:11 P.M.: Ten minutes left now. Yes, I know that I missed ten minutes there but I believe that it was due to being abducted by aliens. On the plus side, the probing is no longer continuing.
5:16 P.M.: Five minutes left and the Americans are starting to press. This one is going to go down to the last minute. Luckily, we still have Mike Euruzione on the bench as well as Emilio Estevez as the coach so I am perfectly confident in our chances. Especially when we pull off the behind the net spin move.
5:25 P.M.: Down to the last minute. Americans have pulled the goalie and it is a fight to the death for the gold medal. And the Americans score to tie it up!!!! Using the extra skater almost never works but for once it comes into play. And we are going to overtime. Sudden death, loser leaves town, no holds barred, one fall to a finish. Time to get pumped up.
5:36 P.M.: For those who aren’t hockey fans this is the epitome of what makes the sport amazing. Overtime in a big game. You drop the puck and first one to score gets the gold medal. There is nothing else quite like it in sports. Sure football has sudden death overtime but only hockey has the sense that in fifteen seconds either team could win the game.
5:48 P.M.: Into overtime now. Interesting that the rules make it 4 on 4, which is slightly odd. It would be like, well, reducing the size of a team by one player in any other sport.
5:50 P.M.: Five minutes into overtime. Some big saves by Miller so far. May I be the first to say that it is Miller Time?
5:53 P.M.: Ooh, good chance by the Americans there on a steal…but then Crosby scores to give the Canadians a win. Damnit. Oh well, I’d rather have a player that I like score the winning goal than someone else. Great game.
5:54 P.M.: And that is going to be it for the Olympics. I’ll call these games a bit of a mixed bag. They got started off on such a horrible note with the death of the luger and an awkward opening ceremonies. I really enjoyed the first week of the games and was totally into it but I kind of fell out of things as the games progressed. Part of it is the fact that a lot of the events that I enjoy (downhill skiing, luge, speed skating) were all in the first week. Part of it was that the Americans did better at the beginning than at the end. But mainly it was the fact that the coverage by NBC was so horrible that I could not bring myself to watch it the second week. I just couldn’t bring myself to watch sports where I already knew who won.
I’ll miss curling, still the best sport on the planet, and the joy of biathlon. I’ll miss checking the TV schedule daily to see what cool events were on tap for today. I’ll miss the joy of watching top level competition. The Olympics are always a two week break from the world of sports and reality. Two weeks where there are no teams: just individuals and countries. All sports are equal. The top figure skater gets the same medal as the top cross country skier. It is by no means a perfect event or organization but it is what we want sports to be. See you in London in 2012.
The five random CDs for the week:
1) Dave Matthews Band “Remember Two Things”
2) Tori Amos “From the Choirgirl Hotel”
3) Cathy Richardson “Fools on a Tandem”
4) Veruca Salt “Blow It Out Your Ass, It’s Veruca Salt”
5) Various Artists “Down From the Mountain”
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