I should just be excused from having to write on St. Patrick’s Day. I mean, this is totally unfair. Many of my friends are bartenders. Not only do I live down the block from a bar but I am able to, on the busiest day of the year, get waved in to avoid the cover, be given a coveted seat at the bar and get free drinks. Sometimes membership has its privileges. Anyway, I’m just going to apologize in advance if this post contains misspellings, grammatical missteps, or paragraphs that end with my drooling into the keyboard. It’s been one of those nights…
However, I did prepare for this eventuality by writing down a topic this morning. Here is reason number 257 as to why technological progress is a bad thing: the loss of the Say Anything move.
If you are a Gen X’er like myself then the Say Anything move is the backbone of our romantic arsenal. Despite the fact that no one in the history of the planet has ever been able to successfully pull off the move we all believe that this very act will cause the woman of our dreams to forget all of her misgivings and fall madly in love with us (well me but I’ll use the plural here). For those who have forgotten this legendary scene from the late 80’s John Cusack, at the end of his romantic rope, determines that the only way to truly express his emotions for Ione Skye is by standing outside of her house holding a boombox over his head blaring Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes.” If you are my age this is an unforgettable moment.
(If you are in college right now and read that sentence your response would be “What the fuck is an Ione Skye?” Damn kids, know nothing about history.)
(Oh and yes, I do consider myself to look like John Cusack if he had forgotten to put in his contacts and had slightly too much to drink. It’s not a bad thing.)
So while I have lived my entire life with the belief that this is all I would need to do to seal the deal it has dawned on me that this scene does not translate to the modern age. Let’s start with the boombox. They don’t exist anymore. Certainly none with tape decks and even if you did find one with a tape deck no one actually sells cassettes anymore. So I’m now down to standing outside her window trying to play my iPod really, really loudly. (Yeah, I own a Zune but if I’m going to make this big, last ditch effort to win someone’s heart I might as well try to look cool while simultaneously being incredibly foolish.)
Given that she probably won’t be able to hear it through my headphones I am now down to trying to find one of those stereo systems where you drop in your iPod. That’s great but I don’t know of any that are battery powered so I’ll have to run an extension cord to her house. So, right now I am trying to hold up an iPod and two speakers that are being powered by a bright orange extension cord that is running through her lawn.
Now what’s worse is that I can’t just go out and use Peter Gabriel all over again. That wouldn’t show any creativity on my part. But because of the death of popular music I can’t express my emotions through a hit song anymore. Somehow I just don’t think that Justin Timberlake or Blake Lewis can adequately express the depth of my emotions. Knowing me I would be blaring an Arcade Fire song, which might not be romantic but would at least sound cool.
So I would like to thank technology for completely screwing over the only way I know of expressing myself to women. All I can think of now is to just send her an mp3 and save myself the whole “where can I find a boombox” issue. Where’s the fun in that? How can I risk being made a fool of not just in front of the girl of my dreams but a large number of random strangers who will be very upset with my waking them up with “Keep the Car Running” at five in the morning? Next thing you know people will be recommending that I express my emotions by actually telling the girl that I care about her. Yeah, like that’s going to work…
No Depression Week: Last fall, when I momentarily thought I had met the girl of my dreams, I had the opportunity to try to win her heart through a music recommendation. My choice was Josh Ritter, an incredibly talented singer-songwriter from Idaho who writes what can only be described as poetry. The choice was brilliant as she went out and bought his CDs. My follow through left a little (ok, a lot) to be desired. I promise you, I’ll always pay for dinner from now on. That said, please listen to this track just so you can see how incredible this guy is. This is what the No Depression scene was all about, just a guy with a guitar and incredible lyrics.
However, I did prepare for this eventuality by writing down a topic this morning. Here is reason number 257 as to why technological progress is a bad thing: the loss of the Say Anything move.
If you are a Gen X’er like myself then the Say Anything move is the backbone of our romantic arsenal. Despite the fact that no one in the history of the planet has ever been able to successfully pull off the move we all believe that this very act will cause the woman of our dreams to forget all of her misgivings and fall madly in love with us (well me but I’ll use the plural here). For those who have forgotten this legendary scene from the late 80’s John Cusack, at the end of his romantic rope, determines that the only way to truly express his emotions for Ione Skye is by standing outside of her house holding a boombox over his head blaring Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes.” If you are my age this is an unforgettable moment.
(If you are in college right now and read that sentence your response would be “What the fuck is an Ione Skye?” Damn kids, know nothing about history.)
(Oh and yes, I do consider myself to look like John Cusack if he had forgotten to put in his contacts and had slightly too much to drink. It’s not a bad thing.)
So while I have lived my entire life with the belief that this is all I would need to do to seal the deal it has dawned on me that this scene does not translate to the modern age. Let’s start with the boombox. They don’t exist anymore. Certainly none with tape decks and even if you did find one with a tape deck no one actually sells cassettes anymore. So I’m now down to standing outside her window trying to play my iPod really, really loudly. (Yeah, I own a Zune but if I’m going to make this big, last ditch effort to win someone’s heart I might as well try to look cool while simultaneously being incredibly foolish.)
Given that she probably won’t be able to hear it through my headphones I am now down to trying to find one of those stereo systems where you drop in your iPod. That’s great but I don’t know of any that are battery powered so I’ll have to run an extension cord to her house. So, right now I am trying to hold up an iPod and two speakers that are being powered by a bright orange extension cord that is running through her lawn.
Now what’s worse is that I can’t just go out and use Peter Gabriel all over again. That wouldn’t show any creativity on my part. But because of the death of popular music I can’t express my emotions through a hit song anymore. Somehow I just don’t think that Justin Timberlake or Blake Lewis can adequately express the depth of my emotions. Knowing me I would be blaring an Arcade Fire song, which might not be romantic but would at least sound cool.
So I would like to thank technology for completely screwing over the only way I know of expressing myself to women. All I can think of now is to just send her an mp3 and save myself the whole “where can I find a boombox” issue. Where’s the fun in that? How can I risk being made a fool of not just in front of the girl of my dreams but a large number of random strangers who will be very upset with my waking them up with “Keep the Car Running” at five in the morning? Next thing you know people will be recommending that I express my emotions by actually telling the girl that I care about her. Yeah, like that’s going to work…
No Depression Week: Last fall, when I momentarily thought I had met the girl of my dreams, I had the opportunity to try to win her heart through a music recommendation. My choice was Josh Ritter, an incredibly talented singer-songwriter from Idaho who writes what can only be described as poetry. The choice was brilliant as she went out and bought his CDs. My follow through left a little (ok, a lot) to be desired. I promise you, I’ll always pay for dinner from now on. That said, please listen to this track just so you can see how incredible this guy is. This is what the No Depression scene was all about, just a guy with a guitar and incredible lyrics.
3 comments:
1.) Damn it that I didn't have a babysitter so I could go out drinking with you...
2.) I laughed a lot during this post so thank you.
3.) I always hated that scene in Say Anything. That would have made me puke.
This is the movie and scene from my youth that I would recommend to any guy trying to win my heart:
A Night in the Life of Jimmy Reardon - the scene on the picnic blanket where he tries to get her to touch his....
Okay, okay, I'm JUST KIDDING. I'm totally, totally kidding.
But, I will say that blasting music outside my window would just startle me. I prefer to be stared at with a look only the devil can conjure until I am overcome with passion and then later to be told over and over again how amazing I am in every way.... not much for subtlety I guess, any way you slice it.
Repeat after me: A gentleman always, always, always pays for dinner on the first date.
Nothing kills momentum like the awkwardness that looms after your waiter drops off the check and it just sits there. As quickly and discretely as possible, grab the check so its a non-issue.
How to deal with her responses to your gesture:
- If she asks "Oh, thank you, are you sure?" you can say something along the lines of "For a good meal and good conversation, I insist" or a simple "It's no problem" (and no more talk of the bill, go back to what you were talking about when the bill arrived)
- If she insists on paying for something, tell her she can pay for drinks at the bar after dinner.
While it is acceptable for her to pay for the next date, never suggest that she 'can' or 'should' pay next time. I would recommend paying for meals at least through the first three dates (the trial period, if you will) while she is figuring out if you are boyfriend material.
If you still can't get over that psychological hurdle of paying, don't think of it as paying her for her time, think of it as monetizing your desire to be taken seriously as a potential suitor.
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