Don't blame me, I voted for Zaphod

Since it is the eve of the eve of a holiday weekend absolutely nothing is happening in the world right now. That means I’m going to start talking about tomorrow today and mention two events that everyone should be celebrating. Both of these should be on the same level as Talk Like a Pirate Day, National High Five Day and Valentine’s Day. Sure they might all be made up holidays but that doesn’t mean we can’t celebrate them.

The first is that tomorrow is Towel Day, the day in which we honor the memory of the late, great Douglas Adams. You celebrate Towel Day by, well, carrying a towel with you. Actually you should always carry a towel with you because you never know when you might need to subdue a Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal by wrapping a towel around your head because the creature is so dumb that it thinks that if you can’t see it it can’t see you. As someone whose view of the universe is based on the Hitchhiker’s books this is pretty much an official holiday for me.

Also, tomorrow marks the thirtieth anniversary of the release of Star Wars. An event that makes me break out the stormtrooper outfit with unabashed glee. (Hell, I should wear it to work. They let people wear jeans now, why not a stormtrooper costume complete with authentic headpiece from episode five?) Since I am a Star Wars geek and mainly because I am out of ideas on anything more interesting to write here are some fun Star Wars facts.

Fact # 1: The only pilot to survive both attacks on the Death Star was Wedge Antilles. This is made more amazing due to a) he possessed no force powers and b) he wasn’t protected by a character shield. (A character shield is a distortion of reality that causes every shot to miss the heroes you know by name while killing all the nameless bystanders.)

Fact # 2: It is now an accepted fact that Boba Fett did survive the Scarlacc Pit by having his rocket pack automatically fire. No freaking way he dies based on a lucky shot by Han Solo.

Fact # 3: In Star Wars: A New Hope, Princess Leia never wears a bra because George Lucas did not imagine people wearing undergarments in the distant future. Don’t look at me, ask the dude who couldn’t write any dialogue.

Fact # 4: The logic of the Death Star having a trash compactor is horribly flawed. Specifically, the use of a creature to apparently eat organic waste is unnecessary and only raises the question as to how it does not get crushed in the process. Also, why does it have a significant problem with crushing a metal bar used as a wedge when the entire purpose of a trash compactor would be to crush said piece of debris? This keeps me up at night.

Fact # 5: If you pay attention to the plot of Episode Two, which is admittedly a painful thing to do, you’ll actually find out that Jar Jar Binks proposes the bill that places the Emperor in control. Thus, when all is said and done, Jar Jar is responsible for the destruction of the Republic, the elimination of the Jedi, and the rise of Darth Vader. Just goes to show that Obi-Wan should have killed him when he had the chance.

Fact # 6: No one has ever been able to explain why in 20 years Yoda goes from being an insane fighting machine to a feeble guy barely surviving in a swamp. This bothers me as well.

Fact # 7: The Star Wars Christmas Special does exist. I remember watching it the one and only time it ever aired. Even as a five year old kid I thought a) this is pretty awful and b) I would enjoy this much more if I was high.

Fact # 8: I actually owned the Death Star playset, which probably goes down as my favorite toy ever. Three levels, including the paradoxical trash collector, and an elevator. Also had an X-Wing, Y-Wing and Tie-Fighter and enough characters to build my own clone army. Thankfully, my mom didn’t throw out any of my old action figures as they are actually worth money today. You can get twenty bucks for a beat up Darth Vader. Or, in my case, pay twenty bucks to get another one. I would sell a kidney for a mint condition Millenium Falcon. (Or a Slave I, Boba Fett’s ship which I also owned at one time.)

Fact # 9: My favorite original trilogy myth is that all three movies are really about Bonk, who symbolizes God. Who the hell is Bonk? Ok, in the first movie where Luke goes to buy the droids there is the box that walks on two legs and goes “Bonk”. That’s Bonk. He’s in the other two movies, most notably getting tortured by Jabba in Return of the Jedi. People have argued that in the end, it is all about Bonk.

Fact # 10: I don’t care what Lucas says, Han shoots first.

That’s it for tonight. Enjoy the long weekend. I’ll be back on Sunday with my live blog of the Indy 500. Cars! Tire Changes! People Turning Left! Women Drivers! My Trying To Write While Recovering From Saturday Night! Should be awesome.