Sithin Ain't Easy

Ah, nothing beats good old ComiCon. Here I am rocking my classic Boba Phat outfit. Some say that when you fall into the Sarlaac Pit you suffer a painful death that lasts a thousand years. I just say it is one big thousand year party.

(Tip of the hat to io9 and the other websites that posted this image. For the record it actually isn’t me though I can neither confirm nor deny that I have a full stormtrooper costume complete with blaster rifle and rank as a 2nd lieutenant in the Delaware chapter of the 501st Legion. Some things must remain a mystery.)

I watched a good portion of the Brickyard 400 yesterday because, well, I’m the type of guy who will occasionally sit down and watch a Nascar race on a Sunday afternoon. I still contend that I watch Nascar in the same way other people watch golf: it is something that you have on for a few hours and if you happen to fall asleep on the couch while it is on when you wake up you’ll realized that you haven’t missed much. The thing that stunned me was not the race itself but how many empty seats there were. Here you are racing at Indianapolis, the most important track in the US, and the place looked like it was half filled. This when just a few years ago people were wondering if they should have Nascar take the place of the Indy Cars for the Indy 500.

The drop in Nascar popularity has been rather stunning in recent years. Five or six years ago I would come across a lot of fans who were knowledgeable about the drivers and the tracks and the rivalries. Now even though the sport is popular in terms of the total number of people at events I don’t know of anyone who is really a fan. They race twice a year at Dover and I never come across anyone who is making their way to the race.

There are a few reasons for this. For one, the sport has become more boring over the past few years. The cars are all the same, the drivers are all the same, and there just is no overwhelming drama. I know the Chase format was supposed to create drama but instead it has resulted in a pretty meaningless middle of the season followed by ten races in which by the last five you only care how three drivers are doing. Plus, the age of having drivers who were actually characters has ended. I’m not talking just about Earnhardt or Gordon when he was a brash young kid. I miss the days of Dick Trickle always getting his finish announced on Sports Center. Hell, I miss my personal favorite driver Johnny Benson who was just a nice guy who drove a clean race and had the worst luck of any human being I have ever seen. Seriously, the guy could be leading the race with ten laps to go only to have five cars spin out right in front of him and he would get caught up in the wreck and finish 37th.

I do miss having racing as one of the major sports. I grew up in the golden age of Indy Car with the Andrettis and Mears and Foyt and Rutherford all of whom made every race seem like an event. One of my favorite computer games ever was a Nascar racing game that I even bought a steering wheel for my computer to get the full experience. But now, for some reason, it just seems boring. And I’m not quite sure how they go about fixing it.

If you ever wonder what life is like on the inside of my own head this video is pretty much exactly how I view everyday life. Watch it and you’ll understand.



(Thanks go out as always to my good friends at ImprovEverywhere for this one. They are the only reason that I would consider moving to New York.)

Since we are at the midpoint of the year it is time for me to start reviewing my New Year’s Resolutions and seeing where I stand with six months to go. I posted 10 of them in January so I’ll go through the first five tonight and the rest tomorrow.

Resolution # 1: Get my weight down to under 190 pounds: The max I’ve weighed this year is around 215 pounds, which is pretty much the heaviest I have ever weighed. Right now I am down to 202 and that equates to a good ten pound weight loss over the past two months since I’ve really tried to work out and eat right. I’m really focused on this goal and should be able to accomplish it. The important thing is that my focus is on getting fit and eating better. If I can do that then I assume the weight will come off. Though I must admit that I miss having Five Guys for every other meal.

Resolution # 2: Be More Attentive: Well, bit of a mixed bag on this one. This came about due to my habit of surfing the internet while talking to Kim and completely missing what she is actually saying. I’ve become much better in terms of focus but I’ll still find myself distracted by a book that is in front of me or a shiny object. I’ll say that I am getting better at this but I still need a great deal of work.

Resolution # 3: Complete a 3,000 piece jigsaw puzzle by myself: I’ve actually been working on this all summer. I’m probably a third of the way through (I’ll post a picture tomorrow) and I have hopes of completing it by the end of August. It is challenging as hell especially given the nature of the puzzle (it’s of a painting as opposed to a picture so there aren’t nearly as many clear sections) but it has done wonders for allowing me to calm down every night. I have also completed a 500 and 1,500 piece puzzle by myself this year so I’m thinking that this one will be conquered.

Resolution # 4: Have breakfast every day: On the bright side I’ve done better at this than I have in previous years. I probably average having an actual breakfast before I go to work once a week. Of course that is completely horrible especially as one is trying to diet so I will just have to get myself together on this. I can only live on FiberOne bars for breakfast for so long. As their advertising slogan states “You won’t believe that you had one third of your daily fiber requirement in one bar until you’re in the bathroom three hours later.”

Resolution # 5: Get to work earlier: Tied in with the breakfast and wow have I sucked at this one. It really does upset me because I don’t have a great reason other than I am simply tired in the morning and staying in bed is rather nice. Now I don’t want to go nuts and try to be at work at 7 each morning because my body simply isn’t wired for that type of lifestyle given my no caffeine rule. But I could use to get to the office 15 minutes earlier and there is no reason why I can’t do that. This will be a big focus for me (along with eating breakfast) for the rest of the year.

Wednesday Night Music Club: The Gourds version of Gin and Juice. Possibly the greatest cover song every recorded. Because if there was one thing the song was missing it was clearly a mandolin solo. Warning contains NSFW language because it is a Snoop Dogg song after all.

ABBA and Iggy Pop: Together at Last

I love the fact that my blog can play a central role in the discussion of minute portions of the Star Wars saga. What was the efficiency of keeping Luke warm in a Taunton carcass? More importantly, how could a Taunton, which obviously had evolved to the point to survive the cruel Hoth winters, succumb so easily to the cold? How did Han know how to use a lightsaber? And why did they let Luke join the raid on the Death Star when he had never flown an X Wing in his entire life? We need answers Mr. Lucas and we need them now.

In memory of the passing of Oral Roberts and in honor of his greatest protégé MC 900 Foot Jesus I thought that it would be fitting to take a look at this year’s class of inductees into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. And once again, the Monkees were robbed.

ABBA: I’m not an ABBA fan. I started becoming aware of a world beyond Sesame Street right as the Disco Sucks movement came into play and no one was more hated than ABBA. Even more so than the Bee Gees and people despised the Bee Gees where I lived. Even as I grew older I never got a taste for their music. Couldn’t figure out why it was popular or so revered. In his latest book Chuck Klosterman gives the following explanation that makes as much sense as any: ABBA is popular because no other band could possibly sound like ABBA.

(Eating the Dinosaur is a good read for people who want essays on ABBA as well as the career of Ralph Sampson. Honestly, reading Klosterman is like reading my blog except better written and with more references to North Dakota.)

Can you imagine an ABBA cover band or a group that completely mirrors themselves on their style? I mean, Whitesnake was essentially a Led Zeppelin cover band and every band in 1995 was trying to be either Nirvana or Pearl Jam but no one has tried to replicate ABBA. I don’t even think it is possible. The sheer fact that Mamma Mia is a hit musical and movie, that people smile when they think of ABBA, makes them a good fit for the hall. Sometimes happiness outlasts art.

Genesis: I am a little torn on this one. You start with the Peter Gabriel era, which is art rock and not very listenable and that segues into the first few Phil Collins albums that were just amazing. Then things kind of filter out (right as I became a fan, surprising enough) to the point that it would be very embarrassing to admit owning any Genesis CDs. I guess my biggest question on this one is does anyone really think that the band Genesis is so monumental that they need to be honored? Peter Gabriel should be in the hall without a doubt. You can make a case for Phil Collins, not a great one but a case. I’m just not sure about the band.

Jimmy Cliff: I’ll have to show a little bit of my ignorance here as I am not sure if I can recall offhand ever hearing a Jimmy Cliff song. I know I must have but there is not one that I can just have leap into my mind. Jimmy Cliff is the man that brought reggae into the mainstream before Marley, before anyone. Don’t think that anyone will question his inclusion at all.

The Hollies: I have a recording of Jeff Buckley playing at a coffee house talking about how awesome the Hollies were. If they were good enough for Jeff they are good enough for me.

The Stooges: I have two words for you: fuck and yeah! I mean, I hate the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, which is based on the idea that the 60’s were awesome and that music peaked when the Rolling Stones first played. Look at who is inducted and who isn’t and you can completely see how there is no critical merit for any of the selections. Yes, Van Halen deserved to be in but how do you put them in before Iggy Pop and the Stooges? They pretty much founded punk rock.

You cannot underestimate the importance of punk rock. I didn’t understand it as a kid and will admit that the piercings and spiked hair scared the hell out of me. But it was a rebellion by one generation against the lies of another. It was rising against the claims that the sixties were all about peace and love. The sixties were about race riots and Altamont. Punk rock was and still is about saying screw you this is what life is really like. That is Iggy Pop. You can’t have rock and roll without Iggy it is as simple as that.

Hoth Leia costume not included

All I want for Christmas is a Millennium Falcon bed. And the Taunton sleeping bag. But more importantly the Millennium Falcon bed just so I could make the Kessel Run in under twelve parsecs. And yes, that does sound a little dirtier than it should.

Now that I am done with the bowl game preview (and yes, that did take a lot longer than I had originally anticipated) I can get back to everyone’s favorite topic: Tiger Woods. Oh stop groaning. I might as well write about this now because in about three days this is going to become a non-story until he plays golf again and then it will be a minor story and disappear.

We are nearing the end of this in terms of the news cycle. There is very little else we could find out that will change the way we view the situation. We have already been introduced to a gaggle of skanks and whether the final number is ten or a hundred we have reached the point where it doesn’t really matter. Tiger’s image as a perfect person has been irreparably damaged and his marriage has been shattered but all in all that is the end of the story.

As opposed to a lot of these stories there is no next step. There are no criminal charges pending as it is not a crime to be an adulterer or a tool or a prick. If there were any charges they would be on Elin due to domestic abuse, which is why Tiger is lying low. If he showed his face to the media giving the impression that Elin beat him with a golf club she would be facing serious jail time under Florida law. When politicians cheat there is the question of resignation but that isn’t applicable here. At the end of the day he is just a golfer who cheated on his wife. Except that he happens to be a billion dollar brand.

That is what is of most interest as we watch the fallout from his advertisers. Accenture has dropped him, which makes sense because duplicity and consulting are not two images you would like to mix. Gillette, Gatorade and Nike are all pulling back from using him in their advertisements but are not dropping him as a spokesperson, which is the absolute right thing to do. Because at the end of the day Tiger is going to rebound back into the good graces of society. This always happens, especially in sports.

Remember people paid to watch Mike Tyson, a convicted rapist, box. When the Lakers won the title last year they weren’t describing Kobe Bryant as “known adulterer and accused though acquitted rapist.” It didn’t even get mentioned. Sure that first year back Kobe was heckled but you would be amazed by how soon that ended. Tiger won’t even have that to face because you can’t heckle on a golf course. For some reason, the public is really forgiving of these things.

No he won’t be a hero to all anymore. The talk of him being a savior for sports and society is gone and lost forever. He won’t be the focus of as much ad time and it will be weird seeing him in a commercial that first time back. But he will be back because the only thing Americans love more than tearing down their heroes is watching them be reborn.

The oldest debate

So the Star Trek movie opens this weekend and given that I have spent most of this week talking about Jedis and droids you would expect to find me to already be camping out in front of the theater waiting for the first showing. Well, I’m not and it isn’t just because I now have a girlfriend. Ok, that is the main reason but it isn’t the sole reason.

See, there is a distinct difference between Star Wars and Star Trek fans. It really is a rather sharp divide across all of fandom. You can like both of the series but you can only truly be an uber fan of one of the two. You can’t go to the Star Trek convention dressed like a Ferengi on Saturday and then go to the Star Wars convention dressed like Admiral Ackbar on Sunday. That would just be silly and wrong.

I for one fall on the Star Wars side of the ledger and for good reason. I was just a kid when the original trilogy hit and I was Lucas’ target market for action figures and playsets. There is nothing that Star Trek could do that could compare in my mind. Star Trek had things like plots while Star Wars had Darth Vader and the Death Star playset. Nothing could ever compare to the Death Star playset. Even now I wish I still had one.

But there is a serious difference between the two series and it is one of action and contemplation. It can all be boiled down to how do the two ships fire torpedos. In Star Trek Kirk gives the orders to fire photon torpedos, then someone (possibly an unknown actor in a red shirt) presses a button and a single torpedo is launched. Meanwhile in Star Wars if Luke wants to fire a blast from his X-Wing all he has to do is press a button. In Star Wars the characters are individually controlling their action while in Star Trek it is more of a group dynamic.

That is what leads to my love of Star Wars. It is a classic hero mythology with larger than life characters taking extraordinary risks. Each character is an individual, possibly working as a collective but definitely a distinct unit. It is all high risk and high adventure. Star Trek, on the other hand, is much more realistic. It is actually a pretty good representation of life on a submarine or a battleship. It’s view of conflict is really maritime based and the plots revolve around negotiations and political interplay. In my mind, if I wanted to learn about international relations I would watch something more practical than a typical Star Trek episode. Otherwise I would rather watch someone get their arm chopped off with a lightsaber.

Wednesday Night Music Club: I shot this video in England with my band a few years ago. We were going for this whole early 80’s music video retro vibe with the piece and I think it came across quite well. It felt like a video that was at least twenty five years old. And I even got to do my own stunts and dress up like a pirate.

Marshall Crenshaw MTV Music

Sigh, of all the people I could look like in the world the only one I can find is Marshall Crenshaw. Love the music though.

A vexing question

I am shocked and appalled by the fact that my coworkers were not aware that today was Star Wars Day. It is a perfectly rational holiday. Besides, you would think that people had never seen a grown man carrying a replica lightsaber with eight motion activated sound effects before. Doesn’t everyone travel the country visiting sci fi conventions? People should just be happy that I leave my Bib Fortuna costume for more formal occasions.

Staying in the sci fi realm John Hodgman proposes the following question as a strong descriptor of the type of person one is. You can choose between one of the following two superpowers. You can have the ability to become invisible (though any clothes you wear will take your shape, much like the classic Invisible Man (not the Ralph Ellison version), so you technically will need to be naked to truly be invisible) or the ability to fly (say with the speed and ability of a large eagle so no ability to break the sound barrier and/or significantly reduce airline bills). Which one do you choose?

My immediate answer is invisibility. That probably gives an indication of my introverted self. I would just like to have the ability to disappear and be completely unnoticed. That is true but I also feel as though it doesn’t take into account the pure level of mischief that one can achieve by being invisible. Essentially all the places that you would want to go and check out but are afraid to due to the fear of being discovered would suddenly become readily available. You can become the ultimate trickster and/or thief. Not a very effective thief as a painting that just happens to be floating in midair is probably a sign that something is going on but a thief nonetheless.

Flight, on the other hand, always seemed like the wimpiest superpower imaginable. Because outside of being able to fly you can’t really do anything. True, you can get to out of the way places but Giant-Man can do the same thing by growing and he gets super strength in the process. In a comic book sense, flight just gives you the ability to run away easier while invisibility would let you go on Harry Potter adventures (if invisibility was granted via a magical cloak).

Flight would be the extroverted choice. What you are saying is, “Look at me, I can fly!” It is a very public act. It’s not entirely practical (outside of finally being able to travel in a straight line) but it looks very cool. And I have to admit, being able to do barrel rolls and loops would be pretty awesome.

So what say you readers? Flight or invisibility? Choose your destiny.

There is more to life than just Chewbacca

In honor of Monday being Star Wars Day (May the Fourth be with you) I feel that I should take a moment to honor many of the unsung members of the Star Wars Universe. You may not have known their names but they are what made the series great.



Gonk: One of my favorite characters from the original trilogy. Essentially just a walking power generator (because if I have learned anything through my study of electrical engineering it is that batteries would be much more efficient if they had legs and a moderate level of artificial intelligence) that has become a bit of a cult hero in the online world as there are a group of people, myself included, who are convinced that Gonk represents God in the original trilogy. He is everprescent yet never takes center stage. I’m certain that he is the one behind every major event in the entire series.



Wedge Antilles: My all time favorite character. Not even Boba Fett can match the level of awesome that is Wedge. Wedge is famous for being the only pilot to survive the assaults on both Death Stars and he is really the one responsible for the destruction of the second Death Star (Lando mainly provided cover in the Falcon). This is made even more amazing by the fact that he is not a central character to the story and is therefore not protected by the character shield that seems to cause every laser blast to curve around Han Solo as oppose to hit him. For crying out loud, he thinks a vest is adequate protection! How can he not be shot within five seconds? Why be Luke with all the force baggage. Be Wedge, the best damn pilot in the galaxy.



The Mouse Bots: Technically the MSE-6 series repair droids (thanks to my good friends at Wookiepedia for all of the info for this post) who are best known for…ok, they are known for nothing at all. In fact, there appearance is never explained in the least as to why in this giant space station there are these small, shoeshine boxes with wheels that happen to scurry around underfoot most likely causing numerous accidents as squads of stormtroopers trip over them. For something that was onscreen for probably a grand total of fifteen seconds I can bet that every single person on the planet knows what they are.



Ponda Baba: Yes, he has a name that isn’t Walrus Man. That is one of the amazing things about what has happened with Star Wars. In the movie and the subsequent action figures this character was only known as Walrus Man or possibly lefty after Obi-Wan’s rather unnecessary attack on him. He could have just force pushed the blaster out of his hand but no, he had to cut his freaking arm off. Anyway, now instead of just being known as the walrus guy who is now short an arm he now has a name and a full back story. There is no need for a back story or a name. As a huge fan of the films I never once wondered about the working relationship between Walrus Man and Pig Nose. However, it helps me to sleep better at night to know that if I ever need to know such information it is readily available.



Salacious Crumb: This is the answer to my favorite Star Wars trivia question. Name Jabba the Hutt’s court jester monkey-lizard thing. A great character for a number of reasons. He provided much needed comic relief and was much better at entertainment than Jabba’s band (you’d think he could hire a better group). He also had the absolute best view of Princess Leia in her metal bikini and you cannot question how important that is. Finally, he got to at least momentarily attack C-3PO and gouge out one of his eyes, which was something that many of us always wanted to do to stop his whining.

Best of 120 Minutes: Ok, this has nothing to do with 120 Minutes but it is the only video that is fitting for Star Wars day.

"Weird Al" Yankovic MTV Music

The five random CDs for the week:

1) Keb’ Mo’ “Slow Down”
2) Old Crow Medicine Show “O.C.M.S.”
3) David Ford “I Sincerely Apologize for All of the Trouble I’ve Caused”
4) Michael McDermott “Bourbon Blue”
5) Anders Parker “Tell it to the Dust”

That's no moon...

You know, people often tell me “EC, you are such an amazing person that I feel that I should buy you a present just for existing. But I have no idea what to get for someone who is as dazzlingly brilliant as you are. Can you help me?”

Certainly. Thanks to my friends at Gizmodo I now know precisely what I want more than anything in the world. I want my Lego Death Star. Complete with more than a dozen action figures (including a Lego Chewie) and a Tie Bomber to boot. And yes, it is fully operational.

(Ok, there is one thing I want more than a Lego Death Star. But that is a story for another day.)

For some reason I was insanely bored this weekend. That wasn’t the plan and to be honest I can’t be entirely sure why that was the case. The weather was incredibly nice and while my dance card wasn’t filled at least it had more options than it did a year ago. But for some reason I was just sitting around the whole time realizing just how insanely bored I was.

So I did what I always do when I am bored; I went out and bought CDs. Picked up four over the past twenty four hours and will order a few more online as well. (For those who know why I buy CDs this may be a little worrisome. It’s not that bad, honest.) It dawned on me though that going out and buying CDs is not just a rare event but it is one that will soon be a complete relic of an earlier time.

You can see it in the stores. Borders has seriously cut back on its music section, which is a shame because they had a great selection even if it was horrendously overpriced. But you could always find something interesting there. I have one vaguely independent store by me and they have been really bad at stocking new releases recently. I think they have come to the conclusion that it isn’t in their best interest any more to pick up copies of all the new stud that I, but no one else, would be interested in listening to. I even think some bands are getting in on the act, where if you want the physical CD you need to go through their website.

This bothers me greatly. Now I know that I am old fashioned in that I don’t get my music online. First off, I want to pay for music, which strikes a lot of people as odd. There is a theory that music is simply data and data wants to be free. I can understand that but there is the fact that the people who create the music (a group of people I know all too well) need to be compensated. Even the thought that the bands make it up by playing live doesn’t hold up because gas prices are just killing touring bands this summer. But the other thing is that there is something really fundamental about holding something in your hand. To have a CD that you have to pull out of a case, a case that sits in a rack that exposes to the world what you listen to, that is all essential to being a music fan.

And the past two days I did something that I could never do online. I just wandered the aisles of a record store looking for nothing in particular. When I saw something that caught my eye I picked it up. Sure you can browse online but you never have that corner of your eye experience. All of the computer logic and suggestions will never live up to the best disc you ever heard that was picked up on a lark because you liked the cover art. Or the ability to just spend time wandering on, doing nothing of great import, surrounded by people who are all pursuing that same feeling of wonder they get when you listen to a disc for the first time.

When record stores go away it will be a sad day indeed. Computers are wonderful and all but sometimes you just have to walk down the aisles and hear the clacks of cases as you flip through the racks.

Best of 120 Minutes: Thought that I’d post a video from a band whose place in music history is still debatable, Midnight Oil. Debatable in that I could argue that they are one of the greatest bands of all time. I think they are just outstanding. But I’ve heard otherwise. Still, you have to like any band whose lead singer goes into politics and becomes Minister of the Arts.

Break out the lightsabers

I need to start off tonight by offering a heartfelt congratulations to my blog partner in crime / self-professed stalker who is going to be starting her new job on Monday. On one hand I am incredibly happy for her as I’ve been pulling for her to get this job for a while now. On the other, extremely selfish, hand I am now faced with the realization that I have lost a weekday writing partner as well as a fellow unemployed layabout. Now people are going to be expecting me to get a job. Seriously, what’s up with that?

But I will say that this can only mean one thing. Unless someone can come up with something better this means that Monday will be Star Wars-a-Palooza! With no distractions, or at least no one who will force me to leave my apartment, I will partake of my epic quest to watch all six Star Wars films in one seating. Imagine the spectacle, imagine the drama, imagine just how much junk food I am going to consume over the approximately 14 hours it is going to take for me to do this. It will be a feat for the ages.

(Like I’ve said before, I am under no false impression that whatever I write here is going to improve anyone’s opinion of me. I’m just who I am and I’m happy with that.)

For those who are thinking that I am just a lazy bastard right now, well, you are probably correct but I did start writing my novel today. Got through 1,300 words and two chapters both of which will need to be rewritten. I know that I am supposed to silence my inner editor, which is a challenge given that I’ve been trying to do that oh, I don’t know, my entire life but I still am playing around with verb tense and perspective. It’s first person writing about the past but there are a lot of reflections about the present so I don’t know if I’ll just convert it to present tense and have a prologue and epilogue in the future. These are the things that you think about as a writer. That and wondering if you are impressing anyone at the coffee shop.

Oh, and I guess that I should write my follow up to last night, which was probably not the most exciting post that I had ever written but did have myself simultaneously comparing myself to a phone and to Robert Redford and that has to count for something. Overnight my phone miraculously healed itself. I’m not making this up. When I woke up this morning all the disastrous issues that were plaguing my phone had gone away and it was working just as it was supposed to.

This does raise the question of whether or not my phone has become sentient. There is a strong possibility that my phone read my blog, realized that if it didn’t repair itself that it would be sent off to silicon heaven, and then quickly corrected all of its flaws in order to maintain its status as one of my closest companions. I don’t think I can throw it out now because there is a slight but measurable possibility that it will attempt to kill me on the way to the store. I wouldn’t put it past it. It’s already called up old girlfriends late at night without my knowledge. It even mimicked my voice in a way that made me sound drunk and remorseful. Technology is fascinating.

(And of course there is a silicon heaven. If not, where would all the dead calculators go?)

One last programming note before I call it a night. I am going to continue with the request that was made last week regarding changing from a five day a week writing schedule to a seven day a week schedule. Given that the reason I wasn’t writing every day is no longer valid (that after spending all week sitting in an office staring at a computer screen I couldn’t justify spending the weekend doing the same) I really feel that I should make an effort to turn this into an everyday venture. But Fridays and Saturdays are going to be a little different here. Let’s call it the messy room.

I got this from a Frames concert. The messy room is that place in your school or house where you can go and be completely creative and not have to worry about what happens. It’s a chance to let your creativity have free reign. So that’s what I am going to try to do on Fridays and Saturdays. It is going to consist of a lot more fiction, short essays, philosophical analysis, attempts at humor and maybe even some poetry. I’ll probably tell some life stories as well, though hopefully nothing as bad as last week because writing those tend to make me lie on the couch all day in a self-loathing stupor until I call myself an idiot and shake myself out of it. But the main idea is less “what is going on in my life and the world” and more creative, one of a kind pieces. Maybe it will work and maybe it won’t but it will be different. Let me know what you guys think.

The Leadership Secrets of Lando

I have no real reason for posting the above pictures other than they are wicked awesome. It’s the type of model that I would like to have in my apartment. Admittedly, it would explain why no one ever visits my apartment but I’d appreciate it.

(For as advanced a technology base that the Empire had cultivated they sure had some odd design ideas. Let’s build a really big tank and put it on top of really skinny legs thus making it incredibly vulnerable to tipping over if it happened to hit a rope. Oh, and how about building armor that is able to resist laser blasts by can be crushed by swinging logs. And let’s be sure that are fighter craft have really big wings to provide the enemy with a really nice target. When you look at it that way it’s no wonder that they left the exhaust port unshielded.)

Looks like I still need to increase my Valentine’s Day offer. Yesterday I promised the lucky lady a bloomin onion followed by the shake of her choice accompanied of course by my insight into how the Death Star’s trash compactor design is woefully inefficient. Tonight I will make it a true dinner and a movie opportunity. The movie will be Meet the Spartans. It’s like Airplane if Airplane was about 300 and not at all funny. If for some reason that movie is sold out we will then try to find a showing of The Hottie and the Nottie as Paris Hilton really needs our support. In that case it will be an intimate night at the movies as we will be the only people in the theater.

(Seriously, that’s the name of the latest Paris Hilton film that opened this week. Richard Roeper did the math on the box office receipts and figured out that on average there were three people in the theater at any one time. Everyone got on My Beloved Lindsay’s “I Know Who Killed Me” but at least people went to see it. Sure, my ten viewings bulked up the numbers but there were other people in the theater at least.)

(Anyway, that’s the latest offer. Will someone take me up on it? Will I have to increase the stakes tomorrow? Or am I going to have to settle for playing trivia on Valentine’s Day? You make the call.)

Back to the Paris Hilton thing. That, along with the fact that there is a film starring Larry the Cable Guy and Jenny McCarthy about to come out, really has me thinking. Given that I am looking at having free time on my hands for the first time, well, ever I really might take a go at writing a script. Sure, if I can weasel a month or two of free time my focus will be on the novel first (that and getting a job but a novel will be more fun) but writing a movie script can’t be too difficult. Just look at the crap that is being made right now. I sure as hell could write something better than that.

For those who are wondering about the novel (as I may have picked up some new readers) here is the base outline for “Until We Say Goodbye”. It’s vaguely a retelling of my early 30’s involving a guy (named Brian because my male leads are always named Brian) who is too smart for his own good with an unnerving tendency to spend much of his time at the end of a bar. His group of friends, lovingly referred to as “the rejects from the island of misfit toys” decide that what he needs is an image change to improve his luck. Through a series of events Brian ends up dating a singer he has been mad about from a distance for years. Can Brian win the girl? What about the job that is slowly killing his soul? What happens when the quarter life crisis becomes a mid-life crisis? Perfect world this will be a mix of High Fidelity and Office Space. Worst case, it’s Bridget Jones Diary with fart jokes. Win either way.

Don't blame me, I voted for Zaphod

Since it is the eve of the eve of a holiday weekend absolutely nothing is happening in the world right now. That means I’m going to start talking about tomorrow today and mention two events that everyone should be celebrating. Both of these should be on the same level as Talk Like a Pirate Day, National High Five Day and Valentine’s Day. Sure they might all be made up holidays but that doesn’t mean we can’t celebrate them.

The first is that tomorrow is Towel Day, the day in which we honor the memory of the late, great Douglas Adams. You celebrate Towel Day by, well, carrying a towel with you. Actually you should always carry a towel with you because you never know when you might need to subdue a Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal by wrapping a towel around your head because the creature is so dumb that it thinks that if you can’t see it it can’t see you. As someone whose view of the universe is based on the Hitchhiker’s books this is pretty much an official holiday for me.

Also, tomorrow marks the thirtieth anniversary of the release of Star Wars. An event that makes me break out the stormtrooper outfit with unabashed glee. (Hell, I should wear it to work. They let people wear jeans now, why not a stormtrooper costume complete with authentic headpiece from episode five?) Since I am a Star Wars geek and mainly because I am out of ideas on anything more interesting to write here are some fun Star Wars facts.

Fact # 1: The only pilot to survive both attacks on the Death Star was Wedge Antilles. This is made more amazing due to a) he possessed no force powers and b) he wasn’t protected by a character shield. (A character shield is a distortion of reality that causes every shot to miss the heroes you know by name while killing all the nameless bystanders.)

Fact # 2: It is now an accepted fact that Boba Fett did survive the Scarlacc Pit by having his rocket pack automatically fire. No freaking way he dies based on a lucky shot by Han Solo.

Fact # 3: In Star Wars: A New Hope, Princess Leia never wears a bra because George Lucas did not imagine people wearing undergarments in the distant future. Don’t look at me, ask the dude who couldn’t write any dialogue.

Fact # 4: The logic of the Death Star having a trash compactor is horribly flawed. Specifically, the use of a creature to apparently eat organic waste is unnecessary and only raises the question as to how it does not get crushed in the process. Also, why does it have a significant problem with crushing a metal bar used as a wedge when the entire purpose of a trash compactor would be to crush said piece of debris? This keeps me up at night.

Fact # 5: If you pay attention to the plot of Episode Two, which is admittedly a painful thing to do, you’ll actually find out that Jar Jar Binks proposes the bill that places the Emperor in control. Thus, when all is said and done, Jar Jar is responsible for the destruction of the Republic, the elimination of the Jedi, and the rise of Darth Vader. Just goes to show that Obi-Wan should have killed him when he had the chance.

Fact # 6: No one has ever been able to explain why in 20 years Yoda goes from being an insane fighting machine to a feeble guy barely surviving in a swamp. This bothers me as well.

Fact # 7: The Star Wars Christmas Special does exist. I remember watching it the one and only time it ever aired. Even as a five year old kid I thought a) this is pretty awful and b) I would enjoy this much more if I was high.

Fact # 8: I actually owned the Death Star playset, which probably goes down as my favorite toy ever. Three levels, including the paradoxical trash collector, and an elevator. Also had an X-Wing, Y-Wing and Tie-Fighter and enough characters to build my own clone army. Thankfully, my mom didn’t throw out any of my old action figures as they are actually worth money today. You can get twenty bucks for a beat up Darth Vader. Or, in my case, pay twenty bucks to get another one. I would sell a kidney for a mint condition Millenium Falcon. (Or a Slave I, Boba Fett’s ship which I also owned at one time.)

Fact # 9: My favorite original trilogy myth is that all three movies are really about Bonk, who symbolizes God. Who the hell is Bonk? Ok, in the first movie where Luke goes to buy the droids there is the box that walks on two legs and goes “Bonk”. That’s Bonk. He’s in the other two movies, most notably getting tortured by Jabba in Return of the Jedi. People have argued that in the end, it is all about Bonk.

Fact # 10: I don’t care what Lucas says, Han shoots first.

That’s it for tonight. Enjoy the long weekend. I’ll be back on Sunday with my live blog of the Indy 500. Cars! Tire Changes! People Turning Left! Women Drivers! My Trying To Write While Recovering From Saturday Night! Should be awesome.

Salacious Crumb is my Homeboy

(I was asked once what my ultimate fantasy is. This is pretty much it. I so need to go to the StarWarsCon this year for the 30th anniversary celebration. Where else can you get in touch with your inner Wookie?)

(Yep, Peter Pan syndrome. That’s what my novel will be about.)

A couple of music industry topics to close out the week…

Topic # 1: As many of you know, we are a few days away from losing internet radio as we know it. Barring a last minute action by the government, the rates that internet radio stations pay artists for streaming their music is going to skyrocket and essentially put all of them out of business. Those owned by big companies may survive by being a loss leader but others, including my refuge from the work day blues Pandora, will most likely disappear.

As a result, I’ve been listening to a lot of Pandora in an attempt to get my last bit of enjoyment from their music predictions. Sometimes they are spot on, allowing me to listen to Viva Voce this afternoon. But twice over the past few weeks I’ve been recommended the worst possible song.

The first one was when after listening to my usual mix of female singer-songwriters (Beth Orton, Tift Merritt, Kathleen Edwards, Lucinda Williams, etc.) I suddenly found myself listening to a cover of the Go-Go’s “Our Lips Are Sealed.” As performed by the lovely and talented Hillary Duff. Part of me can vaguely understand how an algorithm would come up with that but seriously Hillary freaking Duff? Why in the world would you want to spread that across the internet.

This afternoon was even more bizarre, to the point that I really think that the staff at Pandora are just goofing around knowing that they’ll be out of business in a week. That is the only way to explain how I had an Aimee Mann track be followed by David Hasselhoff. I’m not making this up. I was just working away, listening to good music, and next thing I know I’m listening to David singing from the Baywatch soundtrack. First off, I just have to state that the Germans must have no taste in music cause this was just awful. But more importantly, what in my music collection would ever suggest that this is something that I would want to listen to? And do I lose all credibility as a music snob knowing that my musical tastes encompass David Hasselhoff?

Topic # 2: Since the U.S. is cracking down it means that I’m going to have to cross the border for my music. Thus, thanks to Ariela (who wins the award for coolest name ever) I am now really jonesing for the music at radio3.cbc.ca. It’s podcasts of mainly Canadian artists though they have a full Waco Brothers concert, which is awesome beyond words. Lots of New Pornographers as well as the Immaculate Machine singing in French. It’s kind of bizarre hearing the same song in French but Kathryn Calder is even more attractive singing in a foreign language. Definitely worth checking out.

(This also just shows my growing Canadian fanbase. Remember, thanks to favorable exchange rates I’m 1.27 times cooler in Canada than I am in the U.S. Though you could probably make a couple of coolness arbitrage deals if you want to work the market.)

Topic # 3: On my huge list of things to do I am going to try to digitize my CD collection. Not sure why I’m planning on this, other than a desire to fill up a hard drive and degrade music quality by going from CD to MP3. However, this should make it possible for me to put together a CD consisting entirely of cover songs that I have collected over the years. This won’t be an official part of the Battling the Current collection but once it’s done I’ll make it available to anyone who wants a copy. I’ve got some strange songs hidden around including Richard Thompson singing “Oops I did it Again”, which everyone should hear at least once.

Have a great weekend.

How fat can a Tuesday get?

Lots and lots of topics tonight…

Topic # 1: So Britney has finally faced reality and checked into rehab. It still isn’t clear if this is “live on a farm for two months” rehab or the Lindsay Lohan approved “rehab where you are allowed to leave and go clubbing.” For our sake, I’m hoping that it is the former because otherwise we are just going to have an epidemic of fourteen year old girls shaving their heads to look like their idol. And Natalie Portman and Sigourney Weaver (in that Aliens film) aside, that really isn’t a good look.

All in all, this is a good thing for Brit as she is obviously dealing with a whole bunch of issues and is handling none of them well. An escape from the spotlight is well-deserved. However, I am now more and more amazed that Paris Hilton is still alive. I mean, how the hell is she still standing after all of this. Brit and Lindsay end up in rehab with their careers ruined. Nicole Ritchie is a walking skeleton. Tara Reid is missing and presumed passed out on a bar. And what the hell happened to the Olsen twins? They’re not even attractive anymore. But somehow, throughout all of this, Paris is still floating through life completely unharmed. I swear, she has to be Emperor Palpatine. I’d challenge her to a duel but her force lightning would be too powerful.

Topic # 2: I’ll say this about Kansas City, when winter ends in this town it ends. Last week was bitterly cold, to the point where you think about slicing open the Taunton and climbing inside for warmth. This week, we’re in the fifties and it feels like springtime. There really is no in between, one day you’re freezing to death and the next you are in shorts. At least this time we had an actual winter with snow that stayed on the ground and wind chills that caused your face to hurt. It felt almost, somewhat, vaguely like home. Not quite, but close.

Topic # 3: So, in preparation for putting Quo Vadimus together, a task that is looking so daunting that I might bail on it before it even starts, I am going through all of my old blog posts. This is a lot more taxing than I anticipated. There’s around 600 posts and it is tough to classify a lot of them without using the words “random stuff”. It’s interesting to see how things have changed. When I started I would at least pick a topic and stick to it, though I would also just post something from The Onion on a pretty regular basis. I’m happy I’ve stopped with the plagiarism but it wouldn’t hurt to not have every post be random thoughts. Oh, and I discovered that I make an awful, awful lot of Star Wars references. Including entire posts spent discussing the character of Boba Fett and the illogical nature of the Death Star having a trash compactor. I’m not sure if this is a good thing.

It’s why I’ve always joked about what happens when I tell someone about my blog. I like having people read this, as I hope that it is at times interesting and it shows off the creative side of my personality. On the other hand, since this is a very unfiltered view into my mind I have a feeling that people learn more about me than they would ever want to know. Hell, looking at the old posts even I was going “I can’t believe I told that story.” Some of those old posts make the Lindsay infatuation seem quaint.

Topic # 4: In rereading last night’s post I mentioned “News of the Starz” as a trivia category and realized that it would be awesome to have a category based entirely on Starzan’s life. Every question would start with the word “Dude” and reference places that had to be next to a body of water. (As always, feel free to check out the Starzan Tees link on the page. The guy is funny as all get out.)

Topic # 5: Time to go out and celebrate Mardi Gras. And to E and Super Dave, remember that it was Mardi Gras four years ago that we decided that, much like Steve Austin, I could be remade and that we had the technology. I do have to say that it has worked, maybe not in the manner that we initially intended but it did work. Still, how in the world was that four years ago? It seems like last week. Anyway, I’ll hoist a red headed slut in your honor, kind sirs.