I'm sleepy once more

Chelsea Clinton has asked her dad to lose fifteen pounds prior to her wedding. I find that completely unfair. Why should one have to lose weight for a wedding? If you are going to spend the entire evening eating and drinking why do you have to starve yourself for months beforehand? Just seems foolish.

(I’m kidding of course. I’ll be back on the exercise program tomorrow. Only twenty pounds to go before I’m allowed to get married. Better start working out before I have to make weight by removing unnecessary organs.)

In other news, A-Ha has broken up after 30 years in the music biz which leads one to state, “Wait a minute, A-Ha was still around? Seriously?” Yes, apparently 30 years of playing “Take on Me” was finally too much for the group and they called it a career. I’m pretty sure the last decade has consisted of them solely playing that song over and over again. They really don’t need to write a set list. I will say though that this is why I hate when people call a band a one hit wonder sometimes. If you can have a 30 year career in the music business you are no longer a one hit wonder. You are just a regular touring band.

Not much else to write about tonight. I’m just exhausted at the moment due to that stupid late flight earlier this week. I am telling you it was only two or three years ago that I would spend most of my time at bars or at concerts and could go through a regular day in the office without any ill effects at all. Now I can barely make it through the day without collapsing into a ball due to fatigue. Growing old is nowhere near as fun as it should be. I’ll post something extra exciting over the weekend to make things more interesting.

Who is this guy?

I used to be cool. Ok, let me rephrase that. I’ve never been cool. There hasn’t been a single moment in my entire life where anyone has looked at me and went, “You know what, that guy is cool.” When I was eight years old I looked like an accountant. By the time I was eleven years old I was legally certified as an accountant. I have t-shirts with pictures of Speed Racer, Voltron and the Knights that say Ni emblazoned on them in a totally unironic manner. For all effective purposes, I am a complete geek.

In more accurate terms I used to be someone who knew who and what was cool. I was completely on top of pop culture trends and could explain to everyone within earshot exactly why everyone was talking about Clap Your Hands Say Yeah or why the first season of Heroes was going to be incredibly popular and then become incredibly sucky after that. For a short period of time I was actually paid for this knowledge as I was apparently the only person in Kansas who understood both pop culture and math. I’ve pretty much assumed that I will always understand what is going on in pop culture. Except apparently I no longer do because…

Could somebody please explain to me who Justin Bieber is?

Seriously this kid is everywhere and apparently the biggest pop star on the planet and I have no idea where he came from. I just turned on the television one day and he was being mobbed by random teenagers at the mall like he was one of the Damn Beatles (a great name for a band by the way.) Is he a Disney refuge? Did he appear on American Idol without my knowledge? Is he the reincarnation of Kurt Cobain (the math would be pretty close on that one when you think about it)? Is there any reason why I should have heard of this kid prior to two weeks ago?

It’s fascinating how someone could just break huge overnight in our culture without anyone knowing why. Miley Cyrus became a big star but at least there were reasons behind it. She was on a Disney show and her dad is Billy Ray Cyrus. That explains an awful lot in terms of popularity and we could compare her career to Ricky Nelson’s if we were so inclined. Hanson was popular because they had the single Mmmbop and they were freaking Hanson, man. Taylor Swift was a well known country act for a few years before breaking big last year. Those all make sense. This one just baffles me.

I guess this is what happens when you cross that magical 35 year old marketing barrier. I’m out of the target market and out of the loop. No one gives a damn what I think or care about any more. I’m just a bitter old man over in my corner, lifting my cane and yelling at the damn kids to get off my lawn. And you know what, those bastards run their bikes through my yard one more time I can guarantee you that they are going to pay.

Wednesday Night Music Club: I need to get some real music posted tonight. Something to get my mind off of all of this pointless pop pabulum. Some Built to Spill should do the trick quite nicely.

The "taste" of "Italy"

In their commercials Olive Garden states that they send their chefs to Tuscany to the official Olive Garden test kitchens to learn the secrets of their recipes. This raises three highly questionable points about Olive Garden: 1) That they have test kitchens, 2) That they have a location in Tuscany and 3) That the individual restaurants have people that could be labeled “chefs.” Honestly, I am not sure which one is least likely to be true. Though if it is true then I think that there could be nothing worse for an Olive Garden chef to have to experience than to have an expense paid trip to Tuscany and be forced to eat Olive Garden food all day long. Would make a time share lecture sound all the more exciting.

I still remember being in Times Square and seeing the Olive Garden there and wondering who the hell goes to the center of New York just to eat at an Olive Garden. I know that it is there for dumb tourists but wow, those must be some amazingly dumb tourists.

Oh, one other part of the airport story from last night. I’m pretty sure that I brought it all upon myself by wearing an Iceland t-shirt to the airport. Have a feeling that the airlines weren’t too happy with my bringing up what screwed up their profit margins for the month and they decided to get some revenge on me for it.

I did watch much of the NFL Draft over the weekend and while I originally didn’t think the three day extravaganza would work out I have to say that it remained exciting throughout. I mean, as exciting as it can be having rich men announce which athletic men will be working for them for the considerable future. Mainly, the QB storylines made the first two nights really interesting.

I still don’t buy Sam Bradford as the number one pick and think it is a mistake. I can barely buy Bradford as a starting quarterback much less a franchise savior. There was nothing about his play at Oklahoma that would make me think differently. Tim Tebow, on the other hand, might be the most enigmatic pick of the draft. He went too high of course in terms of overall talent but of all the quarterbacks in the draft I would say he is the most likely to win a Super Bowl. He is also the most likely to completely flame out, never be able to compete on the pro level, and be a complete bust. I honestly don’t know which is going to happen. That said, he sure seems to be a great guy to have on your team.

Good old Jimmy Claussen had a tough time of it. Not as tough as he did outside of CJ’s but a tough time nonetheless. In terms of talent he should have been a first round pick and to be honest he is the one QB in the draft who is ready to play in the NFL right now. The thing is I just don’t see much upside to him. He seems like he’d be the 20th or 30th best QB in football at any given time. That would make him a starter and maybe a backup on your fantasy team but not much beyond that. I just can’t see him leading a team deep into the playoffs.

Take me home please

Monday Weigh In: Back to 209.5 pounds this week, down a pound from last week. I didn’t workout quite as much as I would have liked but after I tell the story about what happened last night I’m surprised that I somehow didn’t gain five pounds last night alone. It was a night filled with unhealthy options that is for sure.

As everyone knows I fly an awful lot. It is just what my life has now brought me to: in order to enjoy life to its fullest I have to deal with planes and airports and events that make you go more than slightly insane. Last night was one of those nights as I was stuck dealing with the flight that would never take off.

I was connecting in Orlando and originally had a really quick layover scheduled. 50 minutes, not even enough to get a bite to eat. I knew I was in trouble when I picked up my boarding passes and instead of a departure time from Orlando it said “Will advise”. That is pretty much industry shorthand to let you know that you are going to be screwed. Well, once I get to Orlando I see that it is going to be a two hour delay.

I can deal with a two hour delay pretty easily. Find a spot to settle down, read my Kindle and even make my way to McDonald’s for a late evening snack. As it gets time to get ready to board the plane I look outside and see that the sky is turning a not very happy color. Even inside the terminal you could feel the weather changing. Sure enough a massive thunderstorm whipped through the area, shutting down the airport and delaying my flight by another forty minutes. Which meant, time to pick up some Twizzlers and something to drink.

Well, that forty minute delay was then switched to two hours as the plane that I was supposed to get on had been diverted to Fort Myers due to the storm over Orlando. Given that I had left Fort Myers several hours earlier it dawned on me that if I had known all this ahead of time I could have saved myself a hell of a lot of heartache. But finally we have a plane and we have pilots and yet we’re still not boarding.

Yep, while the weather in Orlando had improved to the point where we could fly the weather in Philly was bad enough that they weren’t going to let us land. This went on for another 90 minutes during which they cancelled a flight to Baltimore, which was not a good sign. Finally, five hours late, I was able to board the plane at midnight along with a group of very tired and grumpy passengers. Adding to the fun because of all of the storms it was the bumpiest flight I can recall and as a whole I really don’t like looking out a plane window and seeing lightning. It was not fun at all.

I finally made it home at three in the morning. I remember back from my KC days many a night where I would come home from shows in Lawrence at two or three in the morning and still be fine at work. Sure, I might have needed to take a slight nap in my cube, or my car, or in one memorable instance one of the office’s decorative fountains, but I was able to function. I’m older now though and I have to say that it was just brutal today. All I want to do now is crawl into bed and sleep for the next day. And then look forward to my next trip.

The five random CDs for the week:
1) Gomez “A New Tide”
2) Carbon Leaf “Love Loss Hope Repeat”
3) Arc Angels “Arc Angels”
4) Star 69 “Eating February”
5) Aimee Mann “Lost in Space”

The beer refreshing

Sorry for the lack of a post last night. I was too busy celebrating…uh…Tuesday. That’s right, just a regular good old run of the mill Tuesday. No, nothing related to the date at all. Why yes that is an empty Doritos bag behind me. Why do you ask? Can’t a man get hungry once in a while?

(Sigh. Same jokes every year. It’s just too easy.)

I read what might be the most amazing fact today. In St. Paul there is a monument to the Hamm’s Beer Bear. This is road trip worthy material. In fact, I’m planning a pilgrimage there as we speak (or read or type, whatever the appropriate phrase is.) For those of you who are unfamiliar with the wonder of Hamm’s here is the story of the greatest advertising gimmick ever.

As a kid I would always hope that the Hamm’s Beer commercials to air for two reasons. The first is the jingle was just spectacular starting with “From the land of sky blue waters (waters)” and ending with the crescendo of “Hamm’s the beer refreshing, Hamm’s the beer refreshing, Hamm’s the beer refreshing, Hamm’s!” The second was the fact that all of their commercials featured cartoon animals led by a large, jovial bear hanging out in a forest and having a great time. It seemed logical to an eight year old who watched a lot of Looney Tunes that animals would gather in the forest to down a few frosty brews after confusing hunters and dressing in drag. Or maybe they dressed in drag after getting drunk. Either way, as an eight year old I totally wanted to drink Hamm’s. Which might be why the beer doesn’t really exist anymore given that eight year olds really shouldn’t be your target market if you are a brewery.

But here is the thing: I still have fond memories of Hamm’s even though I never drank it. I probably would give it a try today even though I have never heard a person say one positive thing about the beer other than it was incredibly cheap. However, something like Milwaukee’s Best, which I did actually drink in my youth, is something I wouldn’t even use as lighter fluid. Of all the products I remember being advertised as a kid there is probably none (outside of the Snoopy Sno Cone machine) that I still remember as fondly today as Hamm’s Beer. They should teach the ad campaign in business schools if they could keep it from becoming a discussion of whether it is ethical to sell alcohol to minors.

Next time I’ll talk about the wonders of drinking Falstaff at Comiskey Park because White Sox fans prefer Shakespeare references with their beer.

Wednesday Night Music Club: In honor of yesterday here is one of my friends in the music biz (as in I received a Christmas card from him and his wife once) Bruce Robison reminding us to always ask ourselves in times of trouble “What Would Willie Do?”

Not much on my mind

Monday Weigh In: Clocked in at 210.5 pounds this week, up a pound and a half from last week and two pounds heavier than when I started this. Sigh. On the plus side I did start up a regular exercise program this week and was sweating and actually working out. Admittedly that just makes me hungry so I eat more but I have gotten myself moving again. I’m confident that things will turn around soon. They better given that I have twenty pounds to lose.

Just one political note this evening. If you are planning a pro gun rally it is probably not the best choice to hold it on the anniversary of the Oklahoma City bombing and one day before the anniversary of Columbine. It just lends itself to a few too many comparisons that you really don’t want to see made. And for the record I am pro gun ownership or more accurately pro sensible gun ownership. Meaning you can own a gun but go through a background check, take a class and treat the firearm with respect. I would like to think that most people could agree on that stance but I know that I’m wrong in that regard.

Still not that much to write about tonight. My big news of the day is that I went to the dentist, which is one of those events that makes you wince just writing about it. I don’t think that there is anyone in the world who enjoys going to the dentist. In fact, if you were to list the most frightening professions in the world from a “going to meet them” sort of way dentist is probably up there with undertaker as the scariest. I’ve always wondered who decides to become a dentist given that they know that people will always be scared of them. You admire a heart surgeon while a dentist just gives you the willies. Very strange.

So with that I’m just going to call it an early night. My teeth hurt and I’m tired so I’m just going to go to bed. I promise to try to be a little more creative tomorrow. Don’t think that I could be any less creative.

Sportsmanship for once

I fell asleep on my couch watching golf this afternoon. I guess that statement really isn’t that surprising as watching golf is typically useful only in its ability to have you fall asleep. I usually turn to NASCAR for that sort of activity but the race was rained out. Anyway, I woke up to find that they were in a playoff where one golfer after taking his shot had to call over the rules official because a twig moved while he was taking his shot.

After a good fifteen minute discussion including use of video replay it was determined that he had artificially improved the lie of his ball and was given a two stroke penalty which obviously cost him the tournament. Now there are two fascinating things about this story. The first is that the guy who was penalized was a journeyman golfer for whom a victory would have made his career. He’s one of those guys who struggles to make the cut and has a chance to win a tournament but loses it do to an obscure rules violation. The other fascinating thing: he called the penalty on himself.

That is one of those aspects of golf that really doesn’t get discussed. The sport is built upon the idea of the players policing their own actions. The golfer called over the rules official immediately after he took the shot. He didn’t even hesitate to think. Now given that there was a tournament on the line the fact that he immediately did the right thing just says something about his character. It was actually one of the better things that I have seen in sports in a while.

Not much else from this weekend. Worked out, did laundry, cleaned the apartment, got my haircut, bought groceries, all of those things that a responsible adult needs to do to survive in this freaky modern world. I know it doesn’t read as well as when I was in KC and would have spent the entire weekend at Harry’s drinking until three in the morning but at some point your body just tells you that you are too old to keep that pace up. At some point in life you just have to admit that you are no longer a kid.

Best of 120 Minutes: I wish my teenage years were exactly like this video. Well, I wouldn’t have long hair but I wish I had spent most of my college years attending Sonic Youth concerts and hooking up with chicks in Nirvana t-shirts. Electrical engineering resulted in a misspent youth.



The five random CDs for the week:
1) Peter Bjorn and John “Writer’s Block”
2) Martin Zellar “Born Under”
3) Immaculate Machine “Fables”
4) The Connells “Ring”
5) Jay Farrar “Stone, Steel and Bright Lights”

Fun at the old ballpark

Ok, this is the funniest thing that I've seen all year. Especially when you take into account a) the reaction of the other mascot and b) the fact that he has to do it all with a huge smile literally pasted on to his face.

I got your Schedule Z right here....

Well it’s Tax Day and….aw crap, I knew I forgot something. Luckily, Delaware is not an actual state so I doubt that they can legally enforce anything here. I mean, they have Larry the Police Officer but he’s cool and besides the state would have to stop leasing out its sole jail cell as a hotel room in order to put anyone in it. Just kidding of course. I’ve filed in all of the various states and the federal taxes in one of those events that becomes even more annoying as I grow older.

I can still guarantee that you will see news coverage of people rushing to the post office before midnight. Or at least you always got that in the good old, pre-electronic filing days. I never quite understood why someone waited until 11 PM to get to the post office, I mean couldn’t you have just dropped it in the mail that morning? Pretty soon there will be no paper filing. I haven’t received a tax form in years. Just another things that kids today will never understand.

(Also on that list: black and white television. Did anyone else here have an old black and white TV in their bedroom growing up? That was like the most awesome thing ever. Just the sheer fact that you had a TV in your room was almost unimaginable. Nowadays that seems beyond quaint. More like something that you would see on Little House on the Prairie.)

Also, I am happy that Kim and I traveled to Iceland a) while Iceland still exists and b) before Iceland makes it impossible to travel to Europe. I said it before but Kim and I drove right past that volcano. I have to check my notes but we might actually have pictures of it. It’s tough to recall exactly which glacier you saw in Iceland because the names themselves are so long and lacking in vowels that you can never quite remember where you were. You just saw a lot of really cool looking ice and steam. I still say that it is a very neat place to visit and if you were to get stuck someplace due to a volcanic eruption the Blue Lagoon spa may be my top choice. Especially if you could get them to lighten up on their two drink maximum rule.

That is about it for tonight as I am pretty spent. I am back into workout mode, which is a great thing. It means that everything hurts but at some point that will provide benefits. Get well wishes go out to Bret Michaels who just had an emergency appendectomy. Hope that will not prevent him from getting back on the Rock of Love bus because I don’t know what I would do without his presence on VH-1. Now that Celebrity Fit Club is over we need some new celebreality.

I need some Nyquil just to level off...

As most people know I gave up caffeine about a decade ago. Just went from being a six cups of coffee, four sodas a day guy to zero overnight. Doctors using words like “heart” and “explode” tend to result in such actions. That first month or so sucked, pretty much as close to withdrawal as I ever want to get to, but for the most part I survived. Even went through business school without caffeine, which explains why I was always well prepared and never pulled all nighters. I literally couldn’t stay up all night even if I tried.

Well today my coffee shop was out of decaf and I decided that I needed coffee more than grabbing a Gatorade and had a large, regular strength coffee. I’m trying to think about how to describe downing 20 ounces of coffee after having your body spend ten years getting it out of your system. Here is my best attempt. Remember the Beavis and Butthead episode where Beavis went around screaming “I am the Great Cornholio!” I felt like doing that all day in the office. I believe at one point I looked at my monitors were shaking and it took me a while to realize that I was literally bouncing back and forth. For a moment it was cool but then I remembered that this is exactly why I gave it up years ago.

(Though the possibility of having someone in my office go “Donde esta hall pass” would totally have made it worth it.)

Switching gears I received my Notre Dame football ticket form for this season. For those of you who don’t know the system ND sends its eligible alumni (meaning those who have donated money) a lottery form in which you pay up front for the games you want and are told three months later whether you get to go to them or not. In essence, you give them an interest free loan for the possibility of tickets. It’s a pretty masterful system when you think of it.

It looks to be an interesting season in South Bend. You start with the traditional Big Ten rivals in Purdue and Michigan. Fun games, classic rivalry and South Bend in early September is warm and sunny. Then you get the rivalry games that are slightly less interesting in Pitt and Stanford. Sure, they are technically rivals but it isn’t as important and the weather has gotten cold. Still, a fair first four home games.

Here are your last three home games from mid October to mid November: Western Michigan, Tulsa and Utah. I am not kidding. I don’t know about you but I have always dreamed of seeing Notre Dame – Tulsa under the watchful eye of Touchdown Jesus. Or that legendary Fighting Irish – Utes rivalry rekindled. Now I know why we have these games scheduled: it was decided that our schedule was too difficult and we lightened the challenge to better reach bowl games. But this seems to just be a mockery of a schedule. I can accept playing Army and Navy in the same season. Adding these games into the list just seems really weak sauce.

Wednesday Night Music Club: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: over the past fifteen years I have probably not gone more than two weeks without listening to some music by Jay Farrar. Whether in Uncle Tupelo, Son Volt or his solo work I’m always replaying one of his songs as part of my standard rotation. The guy never gets the praise for his genius that he deserves. If you ever wonder what is playing underneath my headphones this is it.

Adventures in Food

As most people already know April is National Grilled Cheese Month. For those of you who did not know that fact until I dropped some wisdom on you at least feel thankful that there is still half a month left to celebrate in the cheesy goodness that is a grilled cheese sandwich. And we’re not talking about one of those fancy grilled cheese sandwiches made with artisanal cheese and things like figs or some other hippy crap. It must only be American Cheese because it is the national cheese and what other cheese could you use for National Grilled Cheese Sandwich month. And I’m not talking any American Cheese either. Forget that white crap. It has to be that day glo orange, no natural ingredients whatsoever, individually wrapped slices version of American Cheese. That is what makes this nation great.

(It’s also National Marching Band Appreciation month so, uh, if you happen to cross paths with a marching band be sure to appreciate them. And then ask them to kindly get out of the way so that you could cross the street.)

Since I am on the topic of food I might as well discuss the KFC Double Down especially since it is, in a sense, a grilled cheese sandwich. I’ve known about the national launch of this product for weeks now and have held off on discussing it mainly because I couldn’t figure out how to have my commentary top the description of the product itself. Take two KFC fried boneless chicken breasts (original recipe of course) and in between them place a couple slices of cheese and some bacon and heat up the entire thing. That’s it. There is no bun. Just two chicken patties, some cheese and bacon. It’s a grilled cheese sandwich made entirely out of meat.

There is no way to spin this into a healthy product. True, the lack of a bun does reduce the carbs but my god, just looking at it is frightening. I believe that it is the equivalent of swallowing a salt shaker in terms of sodium intake and this might be the first thing that isn’t better with bacon. This is the first product since the Domino’s Pizza pasta bowls to legitimately frighten me. (Loved the pasta bowl idea though: Let’s take our woefully below average dough and fill it with a pasta product that we’ve never been associated with! We’ll make millions!)

The big thing about this is a point I read online today which is the KenTacoHut franchise is slowly amalgamating itself into something rather frightening. The Double Down is purely a Taco Bell concept. Let’s face it, Taco Bell has six ingredients that they combine in every way possible and simply give it a new name. That is all the Double Down is. Take random ingredients that you already have, slap them together and call it something new. I fully expect the next product to be a slice of pizza rolled up and placed in a taco shell. We’ll call it the Paco.

Sigh. At least health care is free now. Right? Right?

My least favorite flaw

Monday Weigh In: 209 pounds even this week; down half a pound from last week but up half a pound from when I started two weeks ago. Essentially no change then which given the fact that I haven’t really been exercising isn’t much of a surprise. I’m going to be changing that from this week on. However, I am happy to note that I did not gain weight this week despite having both Five Guys and scrapple yesterday. Actually, I am just happy that my heart didn’t explode after that combination.

When I got in my parking garage this morning I got on the elevator with a guy who pressed two. I had the same reaction that most people would have in that situation: I silently ripped on the guy for being a complete tool as no man who is not either a) visibly injured or b) carrying a large object should ever take the elevator to go up one flight of stairs.

On my way to work I found myself behind a woman driving a BMW with a license plate that read NFLJAGS. I decided that either a) she is the first and only Jacksonville Jaguar fan that I have met in my entire life or b) she had a bad relationship with an NFL player and considers them all to be jagoffs and given that I was in Delaware I can only assume that that player was Joe Flacco.

Later in the day I talked to someone who means everything to me and I said something that I meant to be funny and sarcastic but wasn’t and was in reality petty and mean spirited. And I realized something. I’ve become a bit of a dick. And I freaking hate it.

Now let’s face it. I’m a cynic through and through and my primary tone is one of snark. I make fun of everything and put down everything in that style of “I’m so much cooler than the rest of the world.” It’s pretty much the entire point of this blog. While I certainly make fun of myself I tend to point the magnifying glass at the rest of the world and laugh at the insanity of it. Sometimes it is justified such as when I make light of the famous. As the saying goes it is the fool’s prerogative to point out that the emperor has no clothes and I am nothing if not a fool. But other times it just isn’t and I really think I can be pretty bad.

It’s the part of my personality that I hate the most at the moment. By trying to constantly make jokes about everything I miss out when other people are being totally serious. Or I’ll say something that makes sense from my perspective but is just plain mean from another perspective. I’ve been kicking myself all day for what I’ve said today. I’d bang my head against the wall for an hour if I thought about all the things I’ve said over the past few months. In this aspect, I’ve turned into the guy I’ve never wanted to be.

So I’m making a request to everyone out there; particularly those who know me in real life. If I ever make a stupid joke that crosses this line just hit me. Verbally or physically I don’t really care. Just remind me that I am being an idiot. I need to break myself of this habit immediately. I’ll never break myself of cynicism and I doubt that I will ever turn the blog into stories of rainbows and unicorns but I simply don’t have to be so mean about it.

The five random CDs for the week:
1) Joe Henry “Fuse”
2) The Swell Season “Strict Joy”
3) Waco Brothers “New Deal”
4) The Frames “Fitzcarraldo”
5) The Saw Doctors “Sing a Powerful Song”

Fumbling a vow

Let’s add Tiki Barber to the list of celebrities who cheated on their spouses. In Tiki’s case he has left his wife, who just happens to be eight months pregnant with twins, to hook up with a 23 year old intern. It is one thing to cheat on your wife, it is another to ruin your marriage with an affair but cheating on your pregnant wife and leaving her might be the coldest thing imaginable. Oh, and he already had two kids with her. As he said in his memoir, “My family means everything to me.” Apparently the unborn kids don’t count in that equation.

I mean, he was even on Project Runway with his wife. How can you cheat on someone if you willingly appear on Project Runway? You have been told on several occasions to make it work. Heidi Klum is going to be so pissed.

Here is my thing. I can understand theoretically why guys cheat. I could even discuss how from an evolutionary standpoint there is a logical basis for such behavior. The thing is I can’t for the life of me figure out how any guy would actually do it. All I know is from my perspective if I cheated it would absolutely kill me. Kim would kill me as well but that would be nothing compared to what I would do to myself.

I may have told this story before but I’ll tell it again because it really shows my viewpoint. A few weeks ago I had a dream in which I was an ESPN news personality. I have no idea why nor do I have a reason why my co-anchor, who seemed to be a weird combination of Hannah Storm and Bonnie Bernstein, kissed me. I do know that in the dream my first reaction was going “No, no” and then freaking out because I was going to have to explain this to Kim and my life would be ruined by this crazy woman who kissed me.

Then I woke up and went, “What a nightmare.” I felt absolutely horrible. I didn’t sleep well the rest of the night. I now have an aversion to watching Sports Center. Just writing about this bothers me. And I feel all of this over events that did not actually happen with someone who doesn’t exist. Despite the fact that nothing was real and I had no control over it I still felt like someone had punched me in the stomach.

Now if that is how I feel over an imaginary event how the hell can someone cheat on their wife and feel like they can get away scot free? For me it is just inconceivable. You wouldn’t be able to pull me off the floor if I did something like that. I know that all relationships are different and that temptations make their way in but once you declare that you are partners for life I don’t know how you can cheat and look at yourself in the mirror in the morning. I don’t know how one can have that much denial about who they truly are. That is what bothers me about all of these stories about celebrity affairs. I don’t know how they do it and expect to suffer no consequences much less feel remorse.

Wednesday Night Music Club: I don’t miss Kansas City too badly. I miss being part of the Badgers, the most dominant trivia team in history. I miss the crowds at trivia, probably the smartest and coolest people you could ever meet in that town. I miss Boulevard Wheat beer. And I miss Davey’s Uptown. Here is one of my absolute favorite performers, Richard Buckner, onstage at Davey’s last year. In another universe I stay in KC and am standing next to the guy holding the camera. I’ll take this universe even if I miss the music.

A very minor defense of Duke

As I expected I received a fair amount of Duke hate last night. I’ll even admit that it is deserved. I cheered when everyone else in the nation swore in disbelief. If the shot goes in it is one of the greatest moments in the history of sports and will be replayed for decades. Instead Duke wins its fourth title a year after North Carolina won their title. That alone should make most people upset.

(I do feel bad for Matt Hayward today. Of all the players on the floor last night for either team he is the only one with pro prospects. He played a tough game, kept his team in it and just missed two chances in the last ten seconds to give his team the title. And how is he repaid for it? Every television station today showing his miracle half court shot clanking off the rim over and over and over again. That is just a cruel twist of fate.)

I’ll also fully take any blame sent my way for being a Duke fan without ever attending the school. Even more so given that the school rejected me twice over the years. There is no real logical sense for my being a fan anymore but I still am one. I really do think Coach K is a good coach and I typically like the players on the squad. I’ve known guys who played for Duke (in a roundabout way) and I’ve known coaches as well (a little more directly.) And after twenty years of being a fan it is tough for me to boo them. I know longer wear the t-shirts out in public but under most circumstances I will root for them.

Now I completely understand the dislike for the school and the program due to the arrogance of some of their fans. There is a great deal of entitlement assumed by Duke students and fans and it can be quite annoying. You can’t really like anyone who feels that they are owed a Final Four during their four years on campus and a few of their former players (Elton Brand comes to mind) really had an issue with it. You can say the same thing about Notre Dame football. No one likes fans with that chip on their shoulder even if it is earned.

The fallout from the Duke lacrosse scandal doesn’t help. Yes, the charges were fabricated but that doesn’t excuse what was some horrendous behavior by the team and the school during and after the events. There may not have been a crime but there was certainly a sense of being above the consequences. It still bothers me that the following year when I received a brochure from the Duke bookstore (don’t ask why) it prominently promoted Duke Lacrosse t-shirts. It just seemed so wrong. The players were innocent of the charges but it was still wrong.

So you have a reason to dislike Duke. Their fans can be arrogant. ESPN shows them all the time while your team never makes it on the air. Dick Vitale and all the other talking heads love them to a degree that nearly every Duke player turns out to be overrated. They got an easy draw in the tournament. They get more calls than they deserve. Even J. J. Reddick’s mom would like to punch him in the face. I don’t know how if Greg Paulus could have been a starting point guard how in the world I didn’t get a D-1 scholarship. All of those points are true…

But give this team credit. There isn’t a single guy on this Duke roster who is going to make an impact in the pros. Zoubek will be the 12th man due to the fact that he is a tall white guy. Singler and Scheyer might get some 10 day contracts as three point specialists. That is about it. This is just a group of guys who stayed in school, worked hard, played as a team and won the games they needed to win. That is worth something. It’s not storybook, it’s like Ivan Drago knocking out Rocky in the 12th, but sometimes you have to respect Goliath for holding on to his throne.

Game of the Century

8:59 P.M.: And we are coming to you live from Sports Central at Battling the Current headquarters. I am joined by…looks around sheepishly…dear god do my parties suck.

9:00 P.M.: Yep, it’s live blog time once again as I will cover the NCAA basketball finals between Duke and Butler. It is David vs. Goliath and I am cheering for Goliath. Yes, I am pure evil.

9:01 P.M.: No, I am not kidding here, the Christian Laettner jersey has been unretired and I am once again wearing the Duke 32 jersey that I bought in college. It is a lot tighter now than it was before. It only comes out for title games and it does have a 2-1 record so we’ll see how it does tonight. I know that I wrote last week that I didn’t feel really connected to this team and I can’t say that I do so I will do my best to not be an obnoxious fan because I haven’t earned the right (plus I hate obnoxious Duke fans.) But, I really do admire Coach K and I would like to see him get his fourth title to move him past Bobby Knight and into the legendary level.

9:04 P.M.: Before the game starts I’ll mention that my Monday Weigh In is 209.5 pounds for a gain of 1 pound from last week. I gained a pound? How could that happen? I mean, I worked out once, kind of. I didn’t even eat meat on Friday. Time to kick it up a notch. Tomorrow.

9:11 P.M.: I’ve never quite understood the concept of “Prelude to a Championship.” No other sporting event has a prelude. It is the only time that a sporting event gets compared to a symphony.

9:16 P.M.: Can anyone explain to my why in the Enterprise Rental Car ad the guy let’s his mom drive? Dude looks to be nearing 30 at least. At that age you take the wheel, not your mom.

9:19 P.M.: Ok, it is really cool that Butler is the smallest school to make the title game since probably Indiana State. And that the players actually come from the same state that the school is located in (as opposed to Duke or West Virginia.)

9:22 P.M.: Well, if player introductions are any indications it is a rather partisan crowd in Indianapolis. And I might as well admit it now: the Butler head coach is younger than I am. Occasionally I think that I have accomplished some things with my life. Then I see someone like him and realize that I am completely wrong.

9:24 P.M.: Opening tip to Butler. I just lost 50 bucks on a prop bet. And Butler takes the lead costing me another 50.

9:25 P.M.: Duke takes the lead. All is right with the world.

9:29 P.M.: The Plumley brothers enter the game thus I believe setting a record for tall, non-mobile white guys on the floor at one time for a team playing for a title. Seriously, where the hell does Duke find all these guys? They never had depth in the frontcourt for the past decade. 6-4 Duke at the first television timeout. (Lance Thomas also has two fouls, which may become a factor later on.)

9:34 P.M.: A three second call? What the hell is this, a grade school game? Not that I wasn’t called for like a dozen or those in my lifetime.

9:36 P.M.: Zoubek draws a charge and doesn’t ruin the career of his opponent in a nice change of pace.

9:41 P.M.: It’s 16-14 Duke with a little over 11 minutes left. Butler plays hella good defense. And it’s not one of those trick zone defenses you use to disguise a lack of talent. They are just damn good defenders.

9:46 P.M.: One of the things about these games in domes that they use an elevated floor and that really bugs me. The benches are below the floor and the coaches sit on stools on the sideline. Coaches should stalk the sideline. Sitting on stools is for bad lounge singers.

9:49 P.M.: Butler leads by two with eight minutes left. Anxiety level: 2 out of 10. Also, Mr. Coke Zero guy: Dry your damn hair. You look like a total douche.

9:54 P.M.: The thing about Butler keeping this game close is that this isn’t one of those Duke squads that puts on those huge ten point runs in a minute on a team. They are really a grind it out type of team. If Butler keeps on hanging in with them they will be there at the end.

9:57 P.M.: And after I write that Duke goes on an 8-0 run and Butler wisely calls a timeout. But it still isn’t a killer run. It was an eight point run that featured defense, a jump ball and either a good move or a travel by Singler on a drive.

9:59 P.M.: I might as well start camping out for Iron Man 2 now. It just looks super cool. And the Butler players were in class today so I really like them for that.

10:04 P.M.: Someone needs to explain to Clark Kellogg that one team’s defensive rebounding is another team’s offensive rebounding. So if they are good at one it means that the other team is bad at the other. Still better than having to listen to Billy Packer though.

10:06 P.M.: Personally, I find it hysterical that the guy at Applebee’s who orders an under 500 calorie meal is doing so while drinking a 20 Oz. beer. Because, you know, beer doesn’t have calories. Or at least I hope to god that it doesn’t. Maybe that explains that weight gain.

10:10 P.M.: And it’s halftime with Duke leading 33 – 32. Really good first half by both teams with the refs deciding to let them play. I’d say that my anxiety level is at 4 right now. My feeling is that if Duke scores 70 they will win the game. Less than that and it is anyone’s game. Duke needs to get some rebounds though as Butler is getting a ton of second chance shots. But something in me has a bad feeling about this. Duke should be up by seven right now and they aren’t.

10:18 P.M.: The fan behind Greg Gumbel waving the sign that is cheering for Duke and the Patriots may quite possibly be the most annoying fan in the history of the planet. I’ll just make the assumption that he is a Red Sox fan as well. And it’s official that De’sean Butler absolutely destroyed his knee on Saturday night. I feel horrible about that because he seems to be a great guy and I hate the fact that his pro career was jeopardized in his last game. Hope he recovers.

10:25 P.M.: Great, Army of Darkness is on HBO. Now I’m going to have to decide what to watch.

10:32 P.M.: Here we go, twenty minutes to history. I’ll take Bruce Campbell over the army of skeletons in the other matchup.

10:34 P.M.: Well no one is going to say that Duke is getting calls tonight. No one is getting calls tonight. Guys on both teams are getting mugged tonight.

10:40 P.M.: 40 all with 15 minutes left. It honestly looks like Butler has seven people on the floor when they are on defense. I’ve never seen a ballhandler be double teamed and yet have no one open.

10:44 P.M.: Matt Howard of Butler, who has one of those mustaches you see on a high school senior, picks up his fourth foul. That is Butler’s main inside man out of there but Butler has been playing great when they have had to play small so I am not sure if that is a bad thing. Butler takes a one point lead to prove the point.

10:48 P.M.: It is so interesting that Jackie Earle Haley started his career as one of the kids in the Bad News Bears and then stayed out of the limelight until the past few years. He just had to wait until he grew into some new roles, which our characters like Freddy Kreuger and Rorshach. I really don’t want to know what happened to him after the Bad News Bears now that I think about it.

10:52 P.M.: And Duke draws one of its legendary Duke charging calls. Blame Dick Vitale for this. For years Vitale talked about how great Duke was at getting charges. Suddenly on every play under the basket Duke drew the charge. This has led to Duke guys flopping like mad trying to draw charges, which cost them the 99 title against UConn when the refs finally decided to stop calling it. Moral of the story: stop flopping unless you want to lose again.

11:03 P.M.: Always cool to find out that Butler has one of the Van Zants on the team. Skynyrd rules!!! Duke up four with a free throw to come with eight minutes left. Anxiety level is easily an 8 right now. I will say that this is one of the better championship games that I can remember in a long time. Probably since the Illinois – North Carolina game. Burn in hell Sean May, by the way.

11:09 P.M.: Kyle Singler is playing one hell of a game. Third big block of the night from a guy who isn’t known for it. Can’t convert on the other end though. Duke up five with under six minutes left. Butler keeps on making defensive stands when they have to. I really haven’t seen team defense like that for a long time.

11:14 P.M.: Lance Thomas takes down Matt Hayward and it looks bad but isn’t a flagrant foul. As the announcers say it is the right call but it sure looks like he got mugged. Butler cuts it to a one point game with five minutes left as Duke calls timeout. Anxiety level is now at 10. I’m freaking out right about now. I know I said that I didn’t really care about this team but hey, old habits die hard. That said, Butler is a freaking amazing team and if they win they completely deserve it.

11:17 P.M.: Another time out after Duke goes up three. Think about it. Butler had to go through Syracuse, Kansas State and Michigan State to make the title game. That means they had to play either the best or second best team in the Big East, Big 12 and Big Ten to play the best team in the ACC. That is a hell of an accomplishment for any team.

11:20 P.M.: Duke at the line with 3:16 left. I wish we didn’t have to go to commercials at this point. Now I have to deal with that weird British dude in the HP commercials talking to Dr. Dre. Talk about having a commercial that totally takes you out of a game.

11:23 P.M.: And it is a five point lead as we get another jump ball. Again, I can’t ever remember so many jump balls in a championship game. Hell, in any game. That is how tough the defense has been all night from both teams.

11:26 P.M.: Butler has lost their offensive rhythm and hasn’t made baskets in a few minutes. If it wasn’t for their tough defense, which just led to a travel call on Duke, this game would be decided. It is seven and a half minutes plus without a basket for Butler, which means that they just make one. Duke by three with the ball. Ninety seconds to go.

11:27 P.M.: Butler cuts it to one. 54 seconds left. Duke calls timeout. Anxiety level now 15 out of 10. I’m just going to write one entry from here on out. Duke loses the ball. Butler’s ball with 33 seconds left down one. No shot clock. Defense Duke. Defense. Out of bounds to Butler with 13.6 left. Butler calls timeout. Looks like we are going to be down to one shot for the title. Again, do we have to have commercials? Butler has to call timeout after not getting the ball inbounds. No timeouts left for Butler. I believe that I have stopped breathing. Hayward misses a challenged shot, Zoubek rebounds and is fouled with 3.6 left!!! Makes the first! Misses the second….Hayward from half court…..and hits the rim! Wow!!!!! How freaking close can you get!!!!

11:37 P.M.: I’m still not breathing. Duke 61 Butler 59. I wish my teacher, old friend and the guy who told me in 1987 to follow this team was still with us to see this moment. Four titles Kevin. I can’t believe it myself.

11:44 P.M.: One Shining Moment!!!

The five random CDs for the week:
1) Sally Timms “Cowboy Sally’s Twilight Laments for Lost Buckaroos”
2) Blue Rodeo “The Days in Between”
3) Webb Wilder “Hybrid Vigor”
4) The Subdudes “The Subdudes”
5) The Subdudes “Primitive Streak”

When you wake up feeling old

In between going through my random CDs I tend to listen to the radio when I am in the car. Before I bought my new car that pretty much just meant listening to NPR as I had been unable to find a radio station out here that caught my interest (and I just can’t deal with sports talk when most of the talk is about teams that I am totally indifferent about.) But since my new car has satellite radio I have been searching that for something interesting to listen to and I have found it in the grunge channel.

It is pretty much exactly what you would think it is. Songs from the alternative nation era played with no commercial interruptions. Nirvana, Pearl Jam, my beloved Belly, and for some reason a surprising amount of Sublime. Basically it is just like being in my college dorm room again except without all of the posters of half naked women on the walls. For the first couple of times that I listened to the station I felt that this was the greatest thing ever. I loved every song I heard and nothing makes going to work more enjoyable than doing it while listening to Rage Against the Machine. Except that this past week I have come to a rather horrible realization.

I am listening to an oldies station.

I know that sounds bizarre, especially if you are my age, but hear me out. When we listen to Smells Like Teen Spirit we are listening to a song that is 18 years old. Do you know what we would have been listening to if we played an 18 year old song in 1991? “Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree” by Tony Orlando and Dawn. Or maybe if we were lucky Elton John’s “Crocodile Rock.” Either way that is what you would have been hearing on an oldies station at the time and now that is what I have become listening to my grunge station.

This isn’t just my usual rant about finding out that I am growing old. That is no longer a revelation and is now simply fact. High school was half a lifetime ago and no matter how many people try to become my friend via Facebook I have to admit that that portion of my life is meaningless to me now. I’m happy with my age, I’m ecstatic with where my life is at the moment and I feel that I am going to be one of those people who get better with age. No, my problem is with grunge becoming oldies.

Some music is meant to be eternally young. Punk rock is young. Its stepchild grunge is young. Frank Sinatra’s music was old even when he was young. I just don’t want to see grunge tied to nostalgia. I don’t want to see hip kids wearing flannel as some sort of ironic statement of detachment. I want to protect my memories and not have them turned into a format that will segue us into easy listening ten years down the line. It just doesn’t seem fair.