Who is this guy?

I used to be cool. Ok, let me rephrase that. I’ve never been cool. There hasn’t been a single moment in my entire life where anyone has looked at me and went, “You know what, that guy is cool.” When I was eight years old I looked like an accountant. By the time I was eleven years old I was legally certified as an accountant. I have t-shirts with pictures of Speed Racer, Voltron and the Knights that say Ni emblazoned on them in a totally unironic manner. For all effective purposes, I am a complete geek.

In more accurate terms I used to be someone who knew who and what was cool. I was completely on top of pop culture trends and could explain to everyone within earshot exactly why everyone was talking about Clap Your Hands Say Yeah or why the first season of Heroes was going to be incredibly popular and then become incredibly sucky after that. For a short period of time I was actually paid for this knowledge as I was apparently the only person in Kansas who understood both pop culture and math. I’ve pretty much assumed that I will always understand what is going on in pop culture. Except apparently I no longer do because…

Could somebody please explain to me who Justin Bieber is?

Seriously this kid is everywhere and apparently the biggest pop star on the planet and I have no idea where he came from. I just turned on the television one day and he was being mobbed by random teenagers at the mall like he was one of the Damn Beatles (a great name for a band by the way.) Is he a Disney refuge? Did he appear on American Idol without my knowledge? Is he the reincarnation of Kurt Cobain (the math would be pretty close on that one when you think about it)? Is there any reason why I should have heard of this kid prior to two weeks ago?

It’s fascinating how someone could just break huge overnight in our culture without anyone knowing why. Miley Cyrus became a big star but at least there were reasons behind it. She was on a Disney show and her dad is Billy Ray Cyrus. That explains an awful lot in terms of popularity and we could compare her career to Ricky Nelson’s if we were so inclined. Hanson was popular because they had the single Mmmbop and they were freaking Hanson, man. Taylor Swift was a well known country act for a few years before breaking big last year. Those all make sense. This one just baffles me.

I guess this is what happens when you cross that magical 35 year old marketing barrier. I’m out of the target market and out of the loop. No one gives a damn what I think or care about any more. I’m just a bitter old man over in my corner, lifting my cane and yelling at the damn kids to get off my lawn. And you know what, those bastards run their bikes through my yard one more time I can guarantee you that they are going to pay.

Wednesday Night Music Club: I need to get some real music posted tonight. Something to get my mind off of all of this pointless pop pabulum. Some Built to Spill should do the trick quite nicely.