Really, what is your sign?

A few weeks ago of friend of mine requested my assistance with their eHarmony account. They had just joined the service and needed some advice as to what questions do you ask someone that you have just met online and are trying to determine if they are relationship (or at least meet for a drink) worthy. For the record: No, I do not, nor have I ever had, an eHarmony account. After the speed dating debacle I will be forever grateful if I never have to undergo such an experience again. Plus, I would change my Facebook relationship status but “luckiest man on the planet” is not one of the choices. It should be, though.

Anyway, while struggling to think of small talk conversation that would be applicable it dawned on me that there has to be lists of questions on the internet. Thanks to google and various sites here are some recommended questions to ask on a first date. And I am making none of these up.

Were you usually the dumper and the dumpee in your past relationships?: Because it is always good to set the stage for the inevitable failure right away. Plus, if they are always the dumpee it means you have free reign for a while.

Have you ever had your heart broken?: I’ve seen this question on several sites. For the life of me, I have no idea why you would ask this on a first date. It’s basically saying “Tell me about the worst moment in your life. Provide details, please.”

What is the biggest mistake that people make on the first date?: Great question actually as you have the other person tell you what not to do. On the other hand, if her answer is “Read off a list of questions that you had printed out from the internet” you are probably in serious trouble.

What career or school risks that you have taken that have turned out successfully?: There is always a danger when you look at these prepared questions. Mainly that they resemble the same questions that you would see in a potential job interview. Seriously, would you be surprised if an HR person asked you this question? This becomes an even bigger problem when you actually have been interviewing for jobs because suddenly all your answers become HR ready even though you have downed six tequila shooters.

If you were in a white room surrounded by people dressed in white, what three emotions would you feel and why?: This was taken from a list called “funny first date questions.” I’m not sure where the funny part comes from. This is a wonderful way to determine if the person across from you is open to joining a cult though so it does have that going for it.

Where’s Waldo?: This would be considered cute and possibly funny anywhere except Kansas City. There you would most likely be given a set of directions.

Describe your fighting style: Drunken Master or Angry Monkey?: It is quite possible that this one would get a reaction. In fact, if you got a positive reaction from it I could almost assure you that things would go very well. However, if you get a quizzical look followed by the expression that reads “this guy is the biggest geek I have ever seen” (an expression that I am vaguely familiar with) then you can pretty much bank on it being an early night.

Have you ever cheated in a relationship?: Again, these questions are coming from actual lists I found online. Somehow I have a feeling that grilling someone on their tendency to cheat in a relationship within the first five minutes of the date will result in their never being a chance to find out if they would cheat in this relationship.

Ever been in any legal trouble?: This should be followed up by the classic “What distance do you feel is appropriate for a restraining order?”

Feel free to use these in your next romantic encounter. Or you could always go with my favorite question: “Who is your favorite Muppet?” I don’t care what anyone else thinks, I still believe that it is a wonderful opener. Mystery would back me up on this.