The words get caught along the way

Well, I was almost, but not entirely, productive today. To be honest I probably would have been better off watching every Star Wars film. True, that would have meant a brain dead day but I would have spent the entire day writing about and hence have a rather witty blog post right about now. Instead, I kind of just bummed around today, wrote about four paragraphs of my novel and subsequently trashed three of them. That is one of the challenges for me as a writer. It’s tough for me to write when my muse isn’t there and today Calliope was not visiting me in any way, shape or form.

I did have a good run on the treadmill though. Yes, even though it was beautiful outside I still work out in a stuffy, ill-equipped apartment gym. My knees just can’t take running on concrete anymore. I’m old and battered, which is a really sad predicament to find oneself in. However, I would like to recommend listening to The New Pornographers “Challengers” for your next workout. It is a great 50 minute disc with just enough energy to get you through til the end. It sounds great on my Zune because the coolness of the band just counteracts the incredible awkwardness of actually owning a Zune.

Getting back to my original thought, while I was sitting in the coffee shop just completely stumped as to where my novel should actually start (in the office or in the bar parking lot) it dawned on me how odd it is for me to be at a loss for words. It’s happened occasionally and usually at the times when I least expect it. It seldom happens when I write at least not in blog form. Most of these posts are really just me sitting down at the laptop and then fifteen or twenty minutes later I have an entry. There is no real planning involved. I might have a vague idea and then six hundred misspelled words later I have a post. Usually the quality of the post is dependent on how tired / drunk / hungover I am at the moment (those are not linear relationships, either.)

In the real world, away from the protection and anonymity of my computer screen, you probably wouldn’t call me a talkative soul (again, discounting the effect of any libations I may have encountered that evening.) That is not to indicate that I have nothing to say. It’s more of an indication that I sometimes feel that by entering a conversation all that will result is the other person annoying me so I am better off remaining quiet. (Yes, I am as someone recently put it an arrogant pratt.) With the right person though I can talk all night, which makes some people wonder where I hide that part of my personality during the day.

The interesting thing is that when things get emotional my ability to speak or even to form coherent thoughts seems to disappear. I’m not someone who is able to recite poetry to a woman. I’ve written poetry and if you let me stand in front of you with the paper trembling in my hand I might even be able to read it to you but made to improvise I would probably stammer, “Uh…uh…you’re purty.” It’s tough to present yourself as this educated, artistic guy when your brain turns you into a nine year old whenever you’re around someone you like. I’ve had relationships crumble around me while my brain searched for the right word, hell any word, to say.

I’m pretty sure what I just described is being human. Unlike the movies we don’t have scriptwriters working in the background carefully crafting our lines. As much as I like to consider myself witty a lot of it does not come off the cuff. A line might appear in my head days before I actually try to use it. So while I would like to be Cary Grant at every moment without a script or a director or a key grip it is rather difficult to pull of the illusion. I just go out there and try the best I can. Hopefully the right words will come across my lips. If not, you can always ask for a reshoot.

The five random CDs for the week (forgot about this last night. Unemployment makes Sundays unrecognizable from other days of the week):
1) Garrison Starr “Fans Greatest Hits”
2) Rilo Kiley “Under the Blacklight”
3) Kasey Chambers “Wayward Angel”
4) Steve Earle “I Feel Alright”
5) White Rabbits “Fort Nightly”