Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Reminder to self: Do not attempt new flight records

When I was out shopping today I was very surprised to find that American Apparel is not staffed by a gaggle of half dressed models. (Is gaggle the right term here? I know it is a skank of horbras (the combination horse and zebra) but gaggle of models sounds right.) I consider this to be blatant false advertising. For a company whose only product is apparently plain colored t-shirts they have certainly created an advertising campaign that grabs your attention. Sadly it is in the “Is that girl eighteen?” sort of way.

We’ve had two “that’s a strange way to die” stories hit the news this week that I’d like to discuss. As always on these matters the idea is more to show the frailty of life than make light of a dire circumstance. It is also to remind everyone to avoid situations in which your death would result in great embarrassment to your mother. You could only hope that in both instances the gentlemen were wearing clean underwear as well.

The first is the story of the bear handler who was killed by his movie star bear. As in the bear was a legitimate star having just shared the screen with Will Ferrell, which is probably enough to cause any creature with marginal sentient thoughts to kill. I mean, the bear probably went “I’m playing second fiddle to Will F’ing Ferrell? Someone is going to pay.” He probably just mistook his trainer for his agent.

What strikes me on this is that whenever I talk about my life and the fact that it is always better than I make it out to be I usually talk about my health, my family, and the fact that the odds of my dying as a result of being mauled by a bear are quite low. I really do consider that to be a plus. True, paving the planet might not be the best decision the human race has ever made but the odds of being smacked across the skull with a paw on the way to the bar are quite low. I don’t understand what would make you want to increase those odds.

The second story is out of Brazil and I am still not sure if I actually believe it. I swear on Mythbusters this was shown to be impossible. The story goes that this weekend a priest in Brazil went to set a world record of longest flight by a person being supported solely by helium party balloons. There was a point to this record attempt or at least I hope there was. Either that or church in Brazil is a hell of a lot more interesting than church in the States. Apparently he attached himself to the balloons, floated out into the ocean and hasn’t been seen since. However, you can find many interesting pictures of party balloons floating in the ocean.

Ok, first of all do you know how many regular helium balloons you would need to support an adult male? They did this on Mythbusters with a kid and it was staggering. You needed a warehouse to get a kid off the ground much less an adult four times the size. True, there was the guy who did it with his lawn chair but those were weather balloons and he still needed a bunch of them. What’s more, is this the best way of fulfilling God’s message to mankind? I’m all for silly things but typically none that would result in your death if you fail. He may have had a point but all anyone is going to wonder is if he was also wearing a clown costume at the time. Just a completely bizarre story.

Wednesday Night Music Club: Per Blog Rule # 358 (which follows Rule # 356 “All Star Wars references must involve at least one lightsaber innuendo” and Rule # 357 “All entries must be written while wearing pants”) I can’t quite explain my story from last night. I can state that I’ve spent the entire day with a smile on my face and if that isn’t reason enough to celebrate I don’t know what is. All I know is that once again listening to Josh Rouse has resulted in my life improving beyond all measure. Maybe it’s just a coincidence but I think I’ll keep him in heavy rotation for the time being.


Anonymous said...

I'm not in a fist-shaking, warning kind of a mood, but there are those out there who need to know that I am a loyal friend and I don't like women who mistreat nice guys. (Go mistreat some jackasses - there are plenty of them).

You know who you are and you better be good to EC!

Anonymous said...

That creepy feeling by American Apparel ads was intentional. It campaign was inspired by 70's exploitation pr0n, like the video for Criminal by Fiona Apple.