In order to continue my fine tradition of community service it is time for me to once again put on the orange jumpsuit and serve the greater good. Tonight: an overview of the college bowl season. I’d review all 32 games but heck, even I have a life. Here we go.
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl: Utah vs. Navy: I’ve been watching the game tonight and I have to say that I really want to bank at the San Diego County Credit Union. Good customer service, reasonable rates and some snappy commercials. It would make going to the ATM a bitch though. Hopefully you watched the game to see the triple option, which you would think Notre Dame would learn to defend after seeing it every year.
Papajohns.com Bowl: Southern Miss. vs. Cincinnati: Not sponsored by Papa Johns mind you, buy by their website. Be sure to stay tuned to the halftime spectacular “Honoring those peppers we put in the box that no one has ever eaten.” I’ll take Brett Favre’s alma mater in this one, partly because he carried my fantasy team and partly because I didn’t even know Cincinnati had a football team.
New Mexico Bowl: Nevada vs. New Mexico: Yes, New Mexico is playing in the New Mexico Bowl. That is the college football equivalent of receiving a participant ribbon. That has to suck for the team. You work all season and you get to celebrate by playing again in the exact same place as you’ve played all season.
Pioneer Las Vegas Bowl: UCLA vs. BYU: I believe that this is the second straight year that BYU is playing in Vegas. Apparently they spent so much money on the strip last time they had to be invited back. Thankfully the casinos now know to stock up on O’Doul’s in advance of the onslaught of fans. And hell, UCLA couldn’t even beat Notre Dame. How the hell did they end up in a bowl game.
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: Boise State vs. East Carolia: Wow, there’s an East Carolina now. The things the Republicans do to insure a few more electoral college votes. The New Mexico players must hate Boise State, who get to leave Idaho and hang out in Hawaii for a week. Now that’s even better than beating Oklahoma last year.
Pacific Life Holiday Bowl: Arizona State vs. Texas: Historically, this is the best bowl game of the year. For some reason it always ends up being 57-53 with a half dozen trick plays in between. Texas brings good uniforms and Arizona State brings….a dude in a devil costume? Cute coeds? The return of Jake “The Snake” Plummer? Something like that.
Texas Bowl: TCU vs. Houston: It’s like the New Mexico Bowl except it thinks it is bigger and more important. We’ll all agree to not tell them that we still don’t care and maybe they’ll be quiet for a while.
Meineke Car Care Bowl: UConn vs. Wake Forest: Come for the tire rotation, stay for the bowl game. This would have been a great matchup if it was a) in the mid-90’s and b) in basketball. I think I lost more money betting on Tim Duncan in college than any other team in my history. I’m still waiting for Wake to make a damn Final Four.
Valero Alamo Bowl: Penn State vs. Texas A&M: I believe that the Valero is that car that Homer Simpson designed. You know, the one with the bubble roof and the huge tailfins and the cup holders for the super big gulp. Hey, they turned 7-11’s into Kwik-E-Marts I think we could use more imaginary bowl sponsors. I’ll be cheering for Penn State here just so I can have more proof that the Big Ten is superior to the Big 12. It is, I just need proof.
PetroSun Independence Bowl: Alabama vs. Colorado: I would like to institute a moment of silence for the former Poulan Weed Eater Independence Bowl. For as much as I make fun of the sponsorships there will never be a cooler sponsor than Poulan Weed Eaters. It is the only reason that I can tell you that this game is in Shreveport and I guarantee you that when I reach a point in my life where I need to buy a weed eater I will buy a Poulan.
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl: California vs. Air Force: First rule of gambling: Do not bet against a military academy in the Armed Forces Bowl.
Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl: Georgia Tech vs. Fresno State: My favorite bowl game of the year. It’s the Humanitarian Bowl where unsportsmanlike conduct is not allowed, played on blue turf in Boise, Idaho. Georgia Tech receives the punishment from the ACC this year and has to play this game. And yes, I did once refer to someone as “the female equivalent of the Humanitarian Bowl.” Screw rating women on a 1-10 scale, bowl games are much more descriptive.
Brut Sun Bowl: South Florida vs. Oregon: I’ll only watch this game if the announcers continually refer to it as the Brut by Faberge Sun Bowl. Brut by Faberge, it’s what you wear when you want to smell slightly less like ass.
Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl: Clemson vs. Auburn: Ah, the Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl. I enjoy this game for a reason that has absolutely nothing to do with football or affordably priced chicken sandwiches. Mainly due to one of my greatest lines in business school. “Sure, I could date her but it would be like accepting a bid to the Humanitarian Bowl. I’ll be favored and I’ll definitely put points on the board but at some point I would realize that I’m playing on blue turf in Boise in December. But if I tried for the Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl I know I’ll be a heavy underdog but you know what, at least I’m playing somewhere warm in January.” Yeah, that analogy probably explains why things didn’t work out with either party.
AT&T Cotton Bowl: Missouri vs. Arkansas: I like Missouri, they’re a fun team to watch. Not a national championship team and Illinois should have beaten them but a good team nonetheless. Even with all of the coaching changes I just see Darren McFadden running wild on Missouri. Plus it is a bit of a bummer in the BCS that Mizzou went from the title game to this in about thirty seconds.
FedEx Orange Bowl: Virginia Tech vs. Kansas: Question: Do they have to rebalance the load on the airplane for Mark Mangino? This isn’t just my usual ragging on local teams but I can see Kansas just getting blitzed in this game. They’ve never been on this big of a stage, I don’t think they’re as good as their record and the Hokies can just unleash their defense and special teams. Admittedly, Virginia Tech doesn’t have an offense and if Mangino can make adjustments during the three hour halftime spectacular/buffet they might have a chance.
And of course, the biggest game of them all…
Rose Bowl presented by Citi: Illinois vs. USC: Woo! We’re playing in the Rose Bowl! We’re playing in the Rose Bowl! So what if we lose, we finally get to play in the Rose Bowl! I’ll probably provide a live blog of this one if only so I can use all of my Illini football stories. I know that no one gives us a chance but you know what, I like this squad. If anything, we might get to see how well the kids perform on a big stage. At least for one day I’ll get to wear my orange and blue with pride.
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