Guess that makes Mystery Yoda

It all comes down to this. Two men enter the club. One man leaves with the girl. And probably a need for penicillin. Who will be named the Master Pick Up Artist? Will Mystery finally reveal his secret? Hell, will Mystery finally explain why he wears that stupid hat? Let’s find out.

Episode 8: Before I Was The Student, Now I Am The Master

So last week we lost Fat Joe, who in retrospect showed the greatest amount of growth throughout the season. To be honest, I could see girls wanting to date him just because of the way he came off on the show. That means we are down to our final two contestants: Brady (the guy who looks vaguely like a GQ model but lacks confident) and Kosmo (who is a boxer but tends to be hyper). My money is on Brady but I’m kind of bummed that the final two are two guys who really should not be having trouble meeting women. I find it prejudicial that the two best looking guys are the ones to compete for the title of Master Pick Up Artist.

We start with the usual recap featuring Death Cab for Cutie for some bizarre reason. We get the typical blather about how this is the final two. When you watch reality shows as much as I do pretty much everything becomes a cliché. To celebrate making the final two Kosmo and Brady get to hit the clubs with Mystery. Probably to get a sense of how they would work as his wingman and answer the inevitable question, “Who is the douchebag in the makeup?” They hang out, talk to women, and things are cool until Mystery points out two wallflowers. One of whom looks like your typical shy accountant and the other looks like the guy you meet in the comic book store. That’s the final challenge. Each guy has to transform one of these wallflowers into a pick up machine.

Not sure if that is what I expected for a final challenge but I’m guessing the “we drop you into a club, first one to score wins” probably wouldn’t fly on VH-1. Fat Joe is kicking himself right now because he would win this challenge hands down.

Kosmo gets Kip, the accountant/computer nerd. Brady gets Dylan, who seriously looks like the guy I haggled with over an issue of Iron Man. We get a montage of scenes as they try to remake them into something other than total geekwads and teach them all of the tricks and lingo. Kip and Dylan look confused as hell, which you’d expect after being told “You have to open your two set over and over.” This takes us to the final challenge, as Kip and Dylan will be sent into the club with earpieces so that Kosmo and Brady can coach them. It’s like Roxanne, except with nerds and possible restraining orders.

Brady’s guy swears like a sailor, which really is bad form. I’ve had to learn that one the hard way as well. After some missteps (and Brady laughing while coaching) Dylan actually shows some legitimate style and gets a girl to sit next to him on the VIP couch. I’m really impressed by this. If the timeline of the show is correct and they only had one day Brady literally got this guy to go from a total freak to someone who should legitimately have gotten that girl’s number. Good job Brady.

Kosmo has Kip start with an 80’s music question. They’ve tried this opening repeatedly and I have yet to see it work nor can I see how it would. You’re in a club. Let’s place a median age of 25, which is probably high. That woman would be born in 1982 and would be 8 when the 80’s ended. Of course she wouldn’t know 80’s music. Too easy to lose the girl’s attention immediately. After a panic attack, Kosmo tells him that he only has 28,000 days to live and to go out there and do this. I’m not sure if that is a great motivational speech as it sure as hell implies that screw it, you could just do this tomorrow. Still, Kip gets the girl’s number so props for that. I’m still more impressed by Brady.

It’s final decision time. One of these two guys will win 50,000 dollars and get to travel the world with Mystery teaching others how to be Pick Up Artists. The other goes back to his parents’ basement. After some last minute critiques we get our final decision and the winner is….Kosmo. Son of a…. I just lost fifty bucks on this show. Well, guess douchebaggery is the deciding factor in being a Pick Up Artist.

So that’s the show. I’ve wasted a month of my life blogging this and all I have to show for it is a bad back and Mystery’s book on how to pick up women. What? Look, it was on sale at Amazon. I mean, how can you not trust advice written by a guy with a pair of lips tattooed to his neck? Any guy who looks like that and can get women obviously has to know something.