Let’s see what lessons I can learn from Mystery, El Matador and J-Dog tonight.
Episode #5: I’d Like To Be The Latte In Your Double Mocha
Last week on The Pick Up Artist our cast of castoffs were taught how to kiss, given lessons in confidence and then sent into a club where they proceeded to forget everything. In the end Scott, who sadly reminds me of me, was sent off to the land where he is his own Dungeon Master. That leaves us with five contenders for the title of Master Pick Up Artist. A quick overview (in order of current pick up mastery)
Blonde Joe: Can start a conversation, looks good and would make a really good wimgman. Still dealing with the issue that everyone thinks that he is gay. Really struggling with the fact that everyone might be right.
Kosmo: Kissed a girl last week, which guarantees a number two ranking. Still too hyper for his own good but if he turns it down a notch or two he’ll be good to go.
Fat Joe: Still fat but becoming a cool, smooth fat guy. I have no idea if this guy will ever learn how to close.
Brady: The best looking guy of the bunch but he almost has negative game. It’s kind of embarrassing, given the way the guy looks he should have an open invitation in any club but he is clueless. And not in the fumbling, somewhat endearing sort of way either.
Pradeep: Giving engineers everywhere a bad name. And that’s quite an accomplishment.
After the obligatory “let’s see who got sent off last episode” moment we have the group bonding with Pradeep thinking of quitting so that the other guys could win. As the other guys correctly put it that would imply that Pradeep has a chance in hell of winning this thing. Anyway, Mystery, Matador and J-Dog appear as a low rent version of the Three Musketeers to teach the next lesson, which is on self-confidence and body language. They mention that words can lie but your body language does not and you must gain control over your physical movements and know in your mind that you are a 10 no matter what. To test this, Mystery invites over some friends (or possibly strippers) for a pool party. The guy who interacts best wins the reward challenge. Oh, and all of the guys will be wearing Speedos. At this point, you all should be glad that I didn’t make the final casting call for this one.
After the guys have a little too much fun running around the house in speedos it is off to the pool. Fat Joe, who is actually the one most comfortable with his body image, makes the good point in that he knows that no woman is going to go “wow, he’s hot” so he has no fear of rejection at all right now. Alvaro is insanely self-conscious, which is weird given that he is the best athlete of the bunch. Pradeep actually shows some skill though in an obnoxious, lying sort of way (but then again, douchebaggery is an attractive trait). Fat Joe just rules, hanging out in the pool, perfectly relaxed, getting everyone to pay attention to him, and stealing Pradeep’s girl. He rocks, basically. No surprise that Fat Joe wins and for that he gets a puppy. Seriously, he won a freaking dog which he can use in the next competition. Actually, that is an excellent prize.
This is followed by Pradeep talking once again about quitting as the foreshadowing fairies seem to be in full effect here. After the other guys call him out on being a quitter it is time for the next lesson: how to pick up women in broad daylight. This is actually a really important lesson and I wish they hadn’t explained it as “it’s the same as nighttime, just slower” and “you have to pay attention to the woman’s signals.” Great, now I’ll have to buy Mystery’s book just to find out what you’re supposed to be doing. That and the fact that he mentioned picking up a woman in a grocery store and I want to find out how the hell is that even possible. Anyway, this leads us into the main challenge for the night as the guys leave the world of Tron and enter the world of coffee shops. Who will get a number from the intelligent, artistic woman of his dreams? Who is going to suffer the indignity of an espresso to the face? Let’s find out.
(Pause here as this is shot in Austin and for a split second I thought I might have seen my friend Maggie in the coffee shop. Looking forward to the new cd, check out maggiewalters.com for the release info.)
Fat Joe screws up hitting on women with a dog by turning it into a rather obvious ploy. Brady shows some skill that I haven’t seen from him before. Blonde Joe is comfortable in daylight but seems to lapse into small talk, which probably isn’t bad in the real world but is bad in this game show. Pradeep impresses me by actually not sounding like a prick and talking about weird Austin stuff. Kosmo sits there doing nothing, which is apparently his new specialty. But he then find two girls, starts a good conversation but sits down with them when their body language is screaming “go away.”
(Ok, as opposed to just staying with one guy they are doing whip around coverage. This is going to be like writing about the first round of the NCAA tournament.)
Brady stays with his girls and pulls off a line about women in the shower that works better than anything I could ever think of. Just brilliance, I’d print it but I’m going to save it for when I meet a girl who doesn’t have basic cable. Pradeep exhibits the Tao by walking away and then coming back and having an interesting conversation. However, as J-Dog points out, he seems to be falling into the “Let’s be friends” zone. Blonde Joe has chicks he just met asking him if he’s gay. That’s what you get when you talk about performing in Hair. Fat Joe still seems to be out walking his dog and Pradeep actually gets a number. Remind me to start hanging out in coffee houses again. Or move to Austin. One of the two. Pradeep wins and hell just received a frost warning.
It’s off to the elimination and the guys are all sad and scared at going. It’s a rather touching and poignant moment as they are basically in tears talking about how much they have changed and grown and not wanting the moment to end. I can empathize with that. There are probably several people here reading this who have heard me say those exact same words. Except that when I said them I was drunk off my ass in a bar and not, you know, on national television in front of a guy wearing a top hat, mascara and goggles. In the end, the elimination is between Brady and Blonde Joe. Brady survives in a tearful finale. Understandable as Blonde Joe did have an off day but can I say how freaky it is watching guys cry about losing at a game show about picking up women. Like “Oh my God, I’ll never get to talk to a beautiful woman again.” Of course, in this case it might actually be true.
Next week, lessons on lingerie. And someone breaks the cardinal rule of pickup artistry. I’m guessing that is never be a thoughtful, considerate human being. Who will win and who will have to deal with a restraining order? Find out next week.
(Oh and tomorrow is…tomorrow is…a momentous occasion for me. Guess you’ll just have to wait and see on that one.)
Episode #5: I’d Like To Be The Latte In Your Double Mocha
Last week on The Pick Up Artist our cast of castoffs were taught how to kiss, given lessons in confidence and then sent into a club where they proceeded to forget everything. In the end Scott, who sadly reminds me of me, was sent off to the land where he is his own Dungeon Master. That leaves us with five contenders for the title of Master Pick Up Artist. A quick overview (in order of current pick up mastery)
Blonde Joe: Can start a conversation, looks good and would make a really good wimgman. Still dealing with the issue that everyone thinks that he is gay. Really struggling with the fact that everyone might be right.
Kosmo: Kissed a girl last week, which guarantees a number two ranking. Still too hyper for his own good but if he turns it down a notch or two he’ll be good to go.
Fat Joe: Still fat but becoming a cool, smooth fat guy. I have no idea if this guy will ever learn how to close.
Brady: The best looking guy of the bunch but he almost has negative game. It’s kind of embarrassing, given the way the guy looks he should have an open invitation in any club but he is clueless. And not in the fumbling, somewhat endearing sort of way either.
Pradeep: Giving engineers everywhere a bad name. And that’s quite an accomplishment.
After the obligatory “let’s see who got sent off last episode” moment we have the group bonding with Pradeep thinking of quitting so that the other guys could win. As the other guys correctly put it that would imply that Pradeep has a chance in hell of winning this thing. Anyway, Mystery, Matador and J-Dog appear as a low rent version of the Three Musketeers to teach the next lesson, which is on self-confidence and body language. They mention that words can lie but your body language does not and you must gain control over your physical movements and know in your mind that you are a 10 no matter what. To test this, Mystery invites over some friends (or possibly strippers) for a pool party. The guy who interacts best wins the reward challenge. Oh, and all of the guys will be wearing Speedos. At this point, you all should be glad that I didn’t make the final casting call for this one.
After the guys have a little too much fun running around the house in speedos it is off to the pool. Fat Joe, who is actually the one most comfortable with his body image, makes the good point in that he knows that no woman is going to go “wow, he’s hot” so he has no fear of rejection at all right now. Alvaro is insanely self-conscious, which is weird given that he is the best athlete of the bunch. Pradeep actually shows some skill though in an obnoxious, lying sort of way (but then again, douchebaggery is an attractive trait). Fat Joe just rules, hanging out in the pool, perfectly relaxed, getting everyone to pay attention to him, and stealing Pradeep’s girl. He rocks, basically. No surprise that Fat Joe wins and for that he gets a puppy. Seriously, he won a freaking dog which he can use in the next competition. Actually, that is an excellent prize.
This is followed by Pradeep talking once again about quitting as the foreshadowing fairies seem to be in full effect here. After the other guys call him out on being a quitter it is time for the next lesson: how to pick up women in broad daylight. This is actually a really important lesson and I wish they hadn’t explained it as “it’s the same as nighttime, just slower” and “you have to pay attention to the woman’s signals.” Great, now I’ll have to buy Mystery’s book just to find out what you’re supposed to be doing. That and the fact that he mentioned picking up a woman in a grocery store and I want to find out how the hell is that even possible. Anyway, this leads us into the main challenge for the night as the guys leave the world of Tron and enter the world of coffee shops. Who will get a number from the intelligent, artistic woman of his dreams? Who is going to suffer the indignity of an espresso to the face? Let’s find out.
(Pause here as this is shot in Austin and for a split second I thought I might have seen my friend Maggie in the coffee shop. Looking forward to the new cd, check out maggiewalters.com for the release info.)
Fat Joe screws up hitting on women with a dog by turning it into a rather obvious ploy. Brady shows some skill that I haven’t seen from him before. Blonde Joe is comfortable in daylight but seems to lapse into small talk, which probably isn’t bad in the real world but is bad in this game show. Pradeep impresses me by actually not sounding like a prick and talking about weird Austin stuff. Kosmo sits there doing nothing, which is apparently his new specialty. But he then find two girls, starts a good conversation but sits down with them when their body language is screaming “go away.”
(Ok, as opposed to just staying with one guy they are doing whip around coverage. This is going to be like writing about the first round of the NCAA tournament.)
Brady stays with his girls and pulls off a line about women in the shower that works better than anything I could ever think of. Just brilliance, I’d print it but I’m going to save it for when I meet a girl who doesn’t have basic cable. Pradeep exhibits the Tao by walking away and then coming back and having an interesting conversation. However, as J-Dog points out, he seems to be falling into the “Let’s be friends” zone. Blonde Joe has chicks he just met asking him if he’s gay. That’s what you get when you talk about performing in Hair. Fat Joe still seems to be out walking his dog and Pradeep actually gets a number. Remind me to start hanging out in coffee houses again. Or move to Austin. One of the two. Pradeep wins and hell just received a frost warning.
It’s off to the elimination and the guys are all sad and scared at going. It’s a rather touching and poignant moment as they are basically in tears talking about how much they have changed and grown and not wanting the moment to end. I can empathize with that. There are probably several people here reading this who have heard me say those exact same words. Except that when I said them I was drunk off my ass in a bar and not, you know, on national television in front of a guy wearing a top hat, mascara and goggles. In the end, the elimination is between Brady and Blonde Joe. Brady survives in a tearful finale. Understandable as Blonde Joe did have an off day but can I say how freaky it is watching guys cry about losing at a game show about picking up women. Like “Oh my God, I’ll never get to talk to a beautiful woman again.” Of course, in this case it might actually be true.
Next week, lessons on lingerie. And someone breaks the cardinal rule of pickup artistry. I’m guessing that is never be a thoughtful, considerate human being. Who will win and who will have to deal with a restraining order? Find out next week.
(Oh and tomorrow is…tomorrow is…a momentous occasion for me. Guess you’ll just have to wait and see on that one.)
1 comment:
An attractive female friend of mine and her equally attractive friend met Mystery at a club in LA. She said she thought he was the biggest joke. He looked like a total freak - even for LA. He wasn't very charming and had no attractive qualities about him physically or otherwise.
His game, for lack of a better word, comes out of having no shame. He systematically hits on every girl in the room. He doesn't care if 99 girls think he's the biggest loser as long as he finds one who will say yes.
Rather than admiring him, the contestants on the show should feel sorry for him and his equally pathetic wingmen. He is a modern day Don Giovanni: the man who seduced 1,000 women because he was afraid he could never be loved by just one.
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