I know a place where no cars go

Best of 120 Minutes: The following story is 100%, absolutely true. Not in my typical “even my non-fiction is 25% fiction” sense of the term true. This actually happened.

It probably doesn’t surprise anyone that when I’m in a bar I often find myself playing the bar trivia machine. This is especially true at Davey’s Uptown, as I tend to get there a decent amount of time before the show so I relax by dropping a few bucks in the machine. When I get high score (and I always do) I enter the name “Dr Wang”. This wasn’t the original name. I used to use “EC Cool” until I was told “EC Cool isn’t” and then, for a reason that is still unclear to me, it was decided that “Dr Wang” was infinitely funnier. Hence, if you ever glance at the bar trivia machine and see Dr Wang emblazoned on it you know that I’ve been there.

So, one night at Davey’s I get there early, play a couple of games, and get bored with it and move to a seat next to the machine to finish my beer before the show starts. Two girls sit next to me and start playing the game. They start playing and notice my high score. One goes, and I swear I’m not making this up, “Ok, we’re playing this until we beat Dr. Wang.” I nearly spit out my beer from laughter. They keep playing, reading the questions out loud and moving much too slowly to even challenge my score. Then comes the greatest conversation I’ve ever had in a bar.

Girl # 1: “Who sang “I never said nothing?””
Girl # 2: “I have no idea.”
EC: “It’s Liz Phair.”
Girl # 1: “Are you Dr. Wang?”

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to top that. Anyway, here is Liz Phair back when she was amazing singing “Never Said.” I might not like where her career has ended up but man, she was the coolest thing ever when I was in college.

Anyway, I went and saw Arcade Fire over the weekend and I’ll have to say the show was absolutely amazing. First of all, I need to comment on the crowd. The show was at Starlight and I’d say that it was about three quarters full. There were slightly more people for Jack Johnson but it was a bigger crowd than for either Lyle Lovett or Alison Krauss. To be honest, I was amazed that there were that many people in this town who knew who Arcade Fire were. My faith in humanity was rekindled for a little while. At least until I realized that Garth Brooks was playing the Sprint Center. Plus, this crowd stood for the entire show including the entire opening set by LCD Soundsystem. I haven’t seen that in a long time.

Arcade Fire themselves were just insane. I tried to describe their music to a friend over the weekend and used the term “orchestral rock”. I’m not entirely sure what that means but it seems to work as there are violins and pipe organs and a brass section appearing at various points in their songs. The songs are pure emotion as well. There is very little that gets me bouncing up and down but these songs do every time I hear them. I honestly want to see anyone listen to “Rebellion (Lies)” and not feel like they’ve just downed twenty shots of Red Bull.

What was even cooler is that they had an awesome light/video show as well. I almost never talk about the backgrounds that bands use because most of my favorites can’t afford lights. But Arcade Fire used a whole bunch of video projection screens, sometimes to small circular screens on stage and other times to the backdrop itself. They were often in washed out colors and vaguely out of focus and it just made for some amazing effects. That and during Crown of Love they just had this simple, ghostly image of a young girl walking holding a book that was just stunning. It doesn’t sound like much and I can’t really describe it but it took your breath away. All in all, just one incredible night with perfect weather to boot.

The five random CDs for the week:
1) Ben Folds Five “Ben Folds Five”
2) Various Artists (mainly Jay Farrar) “Soundtrack to The Slaughter Rule”
3) Social Distortion “Social Distortion”
4) The Neville Brothers “Live on Planet Earth”
5) The Clash “London Calling”

This is how we do it in my neighborhood...

Vanity License Plate of the Month: REDRGN. I have no idea how I didn’t think of that one first. Now I’m going to have to buy it off the guy.

Ok, I have to tell the story about what I saw while driving to work today. I was in my typical morning zone, half awake and just trying to muster the courage to head into the office. On the trip in I found myself behind a truck, much like one of those ones that tend to carry panes of glass. You know, the ones that seem to have something like scaffolding poles on the side where you can carry things. In this instance they were paintings of pets and it was pretty much a movable advertisement for this guy’s “Fingerpaint Portrait of Your Pet” business.

First off, these paintings were like four feet by six feet. These were seriously large paintings. I’m not sure who would need a painting that large of Fluffy but it’s nice to know that they are available. In terms of the actual quality of the paintings themselves…ok, now I can’t say for certain how these pets looked in the first place. I assume that it is technically possible that all of these dogs were possessed by the devil and had eerily soulless eyes. But seriously, I wouldn’t hang these paintings in my apartment unless I wanted to have night terrors for the rest of my life. They were freaky and not in that campy level of bad way. It was literally scary to look at these things while driving. And the dude wanted $200 per painting, which is even scarier.

I’m kind of surprised that I haven’t written about Family Guy yet but I guess all of The Pick Up Artist posts have kind of gotten in the way. The Star Wars episode was just all different levels of awesome. First of all, the animation was just awe inspiring at times. There were a lot of shot by shot recreations and as someone who has seen the film more times than I can recall it was actually freaky to see it animated. It was like my eyes couldn’t process seeing the same image that was in my memory but being slightly different. It’s kind of like hearing your favorite song off by half a key.

Great lines in the episode as well. My personal favorite was the two guys who had to sit next to the laser for the Death Star complaining about not having a railing. That and the “What, are we paying by the laser now?” “Shut up, it’s not like you have to do the budgets” exchange. Oh and the bullseyeing womprats reply of “You shoot animals for fun? That’s like the first sign of being a serial killer.” I had honestly never thought of that in all of my years of watching the film and I’ve argued the efficiency of the trash compactor. Though they still would have been better off by keeping one wall fixed and just using the other as the compactor.

I’m not sure as to whether Family Guy has jumped the shark or not. The show doesn’t have the same brilliance as it had early on but it is still one of my few must watch television shows. Their biggest problem is when they came back they relied too much on the “remember that time…” non sequitors. They’re brilliant but when entire episodes seemed to be missing things like plot it really just became a bunch of gags tied together. Not that that is a bad thing, it’s what Monty Python was, but since the show is still built around a sitcom premise it really needs a plot. They seem to have fixed that now and as long as Stewie and Brian bring the funny, I’ll watch the show.

Three Concepts, No Connections

Wednesday Night Music Club: I’ve been discussing music with people a lot this week and one of the items that comes up is the difference between what is the best music out there and what I enjoy the most. Those aren’t always the same thing. My favorite R.E.M. disc is Reckoning and no one in their right mind would consider it to be their best album. I just really enjoy listening to it, much more than Automatic For The People.

The reason I bring this up is that there is probably no one that I enjoy listening to more right now than Josh Rouse. He has released new albums each of the past three years and each one became my new favorite. There is something completely relaxing about his music. It’s not that this is the most brilliant and daring work of art that I have ever heard. He just writes great songs that make me feel good. Here’s “Quiet Town” off of the album Subtitulo.

On The Pick Up Artist: You know, that show would have been infinitely cooler if they did it all under a Jedi motif. I mean, they were already handing out medallions with mystical symbols on them in order to indicate advancement to the next level. Seriously, that was their version of the rose ceremony. J-Dog and Matador made up the start of a Jedi Council and they should have gone all out and had fifteen or twenty guys making up the Council. Could have included that conehead guy just for the hell of it.

I do have one more episode to review as they did a 30 minute “Tricks of the Trade” episode with Mystery. I have a sense that there is going to be untold brilliance in that piece of history. After all these years I’ve decided that being me but being the best me possible is pretty much the best strategy. It might not have the same success rate in terms of pure numbers as Mystery’s method but the quality more than makes up for it.

News Story That Made Me Wonder If I Should Up My Medication: Paris Hilton will be embarking on a humanitarian mission to Rwanda in November. I swear I’m not making this up. This is coming from E! and if you can’t trust the network that brought us multiple seasons of The Anna Nicole Show who can you trust. I don’t get the sense that this is going to help our standing in the international community. Starting random wars for oil is vaguely understandable, this is just downright cruel.

I’m not sure what Paris is going to accomplish, or attempt to accomplish, or even vaguely compose a thought of what she could conceivably accomplish there. I fully anticipate numerous pictures of Paris with a confused look on her face as she glances around and looks for a bar. I’m also hoping for numerous complaints about how horrible it is that these people lack air conditioning and personal assistants. I’m sorry, I know that I should consider this to be a step in the right direction for her in that she’ll at least now know that she needs to get in a plane to go to Rwanda but seriously, is there a bigger waste of space on the planet? Talk about someone whose very existence wastes my oxygen.

Guess that makes Mystery Yoda

It all comes down to this. Two men enter the club. One man leaves with the girl. And probably a need for penicillin. Who will be named the Master Pick Up Artist? Will Mystery finally reveal his secret? Hell, will Mystery finally explain why he wears that stupid hat? Let’s find out.

Episode 8: Before I Was The Student, Now I Am The Master

So last week we lost Fat Joe, who in retrospect showed the greatest amount of growth throughout the season. To be honest, I could see girls wanting to date him just because of the way he came off on the show. That means we are down to our final two contestants: Brady (the guy who looks vaguely like a GQ model but lacks confident) and Kosmo (who is a boxer but tends to be hyper). My money is on Brady but I’m kind of bummed that the final two are two guys who really should not be having trouble meeting women. I find it prejudicial that the two best looking guys are the ones to compete for the title of Master Pick Up Artist.

We start with the usual recap featuring Death Cab for Cutie for some bizarre reason. We get the typical blather about how this is the final two. When you watch reality shows as much as I do pretty much everything becomes a cliché. To celebrate making the final two Kosmo and Brady get to hit the clubs with Mystery. Probably to get a sense of how they would work as his wingman and answer the inevitable question, “Who is the douchebag in the makeup?” They hang out, talk to women, and things are cool until Mystery points out two wallflowers. One of whom looks like your typical shy accountant and the other looks like the guy you meet in the comic book store. That’s the final challenge. Each guy has to transform one of these wallflowers into a pick up machine.

Not sure if that is what I expected for a final challenge but I’m guessing the “we drop you into a club, first one to score wins” probably wouldn’t fly on VH-1. Fat Joe is kicking himself right now because he would win this challenge hands down.

Kosmo gets Kip, the accountant/computer nerd. Brady gets Dylan, who seriously looks like the guy I haggled with over an issue of Iron Man. We get a montage of scenes as they try to remake them into something other than total geekwads and teach them all of the tricks and lingo. Kip and Dylan look confused as hell, which you’d expect after being told “You have to open your two set over and over.” This takes us to the final challenge, as Kip and Dylan will be sent into the club with earpieces so that Kosmo and Brady can coach them. It’s like Roxanne, except with nerds and possible restraining orders.

Brady’s guy swears like a sailor, which really is bad form. I’ve had to learn that one the hard way as well. After some missteps (and Brady laughing while coaching) Dylan actually shows some legitimate style and gets a girl to sit next to him on the VIP couch. I’m really impressed by this. If the timeline of the show is correct and they only had one day Brady literally got this guy to go from a total freak to someone who should legitimately have gotten that girl’s number. Good job Brady.

Kosmo has Kip start with an 80’s music question. They’ve tried this opening repeatedly and I have yet to see it work nor can I see how it would. You’re in a club. Let’s place a median age of 25, which is probably high. That woman would be born in 1982 and would be 8 when the 80’s ended. Of course she wouldn’t know 80’s music. Too easy to lose the girl’s attention immediately. After a panic attack, Kosmo tells him that he only has 28,000 days to live and to go out there and do this. I’m not sure if that is a great motivational speech as it sure as hell implies that screw it, you could just do this tomorrow. Still, Kip gets the girl’s number so props for that. I’m still more impressed by Brady.

It’s final decision time. One of these two guys will win 50,000 dollars and get to travel the world with Mystery teaching others how to be Pick Up Artists. The other goes back to his parents’ basement. After some last minute critiques we get our final decision and the winner is….Kosmo. Son of a…. I just lost fifty bucks on this show. Well, guess douchebaggery is the deciding factor in being a Pick Up Artist.

So that’s the show. I’ve wasted a month of my life blogging this and all I have to show for it is a bad back and Mystery’s book on how to pick up women. What? Look, it was on sale at Amazon. I mean, how can you not trust advice written by a guy with a pair of lips tattooed to his neck? Any guy who looks like that and can get women obviously has to know something.

My favorite season: Fall TV Season

Random Point # 1: Here is a helpful hint for everyone in the future. Don’t go grocery shopping while on painkillers after having spent the weekend thinking up Tang related puns. Let’s just say that it made shopping a much more interesting experience than it really should be. Plus, I might need to find a new grocery store for a while…

Random Point # 2: So, I was reading superficial.com and apparently Britney’s bodyguard tells a story about Brit nearly overdosing on meth with Howie Day. Now, of all the parts of that sentence to strike you as bizarre the one that gets me is Howie Day. How the hell did he get involved in this mess? I mean, the guy is a screw up and all but doesn’t he just seem like the last person to be caught in a super high profile celebrity gossip ring. Another part of the story has the bodyguards needing to be armed when Howie was around. This really makes me question the accuracy of this story because I could kick Howie Day’s ass. And probably should for being a prick and showing up so stoned he couldn’t play one of the times I saw him.

Anyway, today was television premiere night. Specifically, my life story started its next chapter with How I Met Your Mother getting off to a…well, they got off to a start. I mean, I knew it was going to be a sucky episode once they announced that they were having Enrique Inglesias and mandy Moore guest star. Ted getting a tramp stamp was funny, though. (For the record, I’ve never gotten a tattoo while drunk. Came dangerously close one time but sobered up just in time.) Plus, Barney yelling “This is so going in my blog” will probably become my new ringtone.

It’s going to be an interesting season. First, they have to try to find a way to keep Robin in the storylines even though staying friends after a breakup is really difficult especially in a show that is fairly realistic. My fear is that she is going to turn into a fifth wheel, much like Barney did at times last year. The other thing is that it looks like Ted really is going to meet the girl of his dreams. Hey, if it’s going to come true for my avatar, maybe it’s about to come true for me.

I also watched The Big Bang Theory and…ok, I have a theory I need to put forth. Everyone knows that I spend a lot of time studying pop culture and products. Every once in a while I come across a product that I feel is just tailor made for me. At that point I know one thing for certain, this product is going to fail miserably because if I am your target market you are effectively screwed. And The Big Bang Theory is screwed because I just loved the show.

I mean, we had physics jokes throughout the entire episode. The duality of light was used as an analogy for a jerk of a boyfriend. They talk about playing Klingon Boggle, which rules by the way. Essentially, you have a couple of guys who are uber nerds trying to talk to their beautiful neighbor. For me, this is high end comedy. For the rest of the world, they are probably wondering what all those weird letters on a whiteboard meant. Here is why I love the show already…

“What if my kids grew up and didn’t know whether to use an integral or a differential to calculate the area under a curve?”
“Well, you’d still love them.”
“Really? I wouldn’t.”

Yeah, Monday nights are going to rock.

Nope, I have no experience with any of this episode...

Best of 120 Minutes: Here is some instant adrenaline to start your work week: Veruca Salt’s “Seether”. Man, I had a huge crush on Louise Post. Hell, I still have a huge crush on Louise Post. Why I didn’t move to Wicker Park in 1993 is still beyond me.

Time for the penultimate episode review for The Pick Up Artist. I have two comments before we start. The first is that I had more success this weekend by doing the exact opposite of what Mystery would have done than I’ve ever had following his code. Seriously, Friday night was very cool. I’ve left bars before going “what the hell just happened?” except this time I was sober. Why I left a bar sober is a whole other story.

The other point is I finally figured out the pick up line to use while I go grocery shopping this week. I’ll just go up to the prettiest girl I see and go “Hey, do you know where a guy can find some Tang in this place?” Can’t see what could possibly go wrong. Anyway, on to the episode.

Episode 7: And Now On the Main Stage

Last time we saw our merry band of fanboys they were being shown how to buy lingerie. I don’t think I mentioned this last time but isn’t that one of those things that guys should never do? You’ll always lean towards something that you subconsciously remember from a porno as opposed to something practical. And wouldn’t this be the equivalent of a girl giving you boxer shorts? I know it’s romantic and stuff but still. Anyway, in the main challenge they were asked to try to get a girl to go across the street and Pradeep not only failed but screwed up his competitor’s game as well and was eliminated. That leaves us with Brady, Kosmo and Fat Joe as our final three.

We start with the usual banter, “Oh no Pradeep is gone”, “I have to step up my game”, “It’s scary to make myself emotionally available to women.” The last one was from Brady who pretty much admits in one sentence why he is now taking lessons from a guy who travels with his own mascara. This week’s lessons is how to hit a moving target. Or hit on, as the case may be. Yes, Mystery is even showing these guys how to pick up a girl walking down the street and does it by saying things like “objects in motion tend to stay in motion.” Honestly, I feel like I just watched a lesson on proper stalking technique. The challenge is to get a woman’s phone number as she is walking across a bridge. Oh, someone is going to get pepper sprayed for sure on this one.

Kosmo uses the “stand by the side of the bridge and yell at women as they walk by” technique, which is something beyond creepy. Imagine a random guy yelling “I need a woman’s opinion on something” as you go walking past him. Brady gets a girl to talk to him but it’s a conversation as opposed to a romantic entreaty. In Mystery’s mind, this makes him an absolute failure. Fat Joe follows Kosmo’s lead with slightly more success just due to the fact that he is funnier and seems friendly. Still, pretty much a failure. In the end, Mystery chews them out and no one wins. No one was arrested either so at least they did that right.

We then get Mystery’s next lesson. Since we’ve shown that the guys have had issues in the real world Mystery wants them to focus on picking up girls who are working at the time. Because we’ve all had crushes on a favorite bartender or waitress. Those would be sensible targets. Instead, Mystery wants these guys to pick up strippers. Wait, I mean “exotic dancers”. Brady just admitted he had never been in a strip club which I’m not sure I’ve seen many 25 year old dudes admit to. Mystery gives what can only be summed up as his best advice of the series though probably the least applicable. I’m not quite sure what the big challenge is here. Three simple rules: 1) get her real name so that you’re not calling her something like Jasmine or Talc all night, 2) ask her how work is going because that really screws up their scripts and 3) view her as a real person. It works wonders (or so I am told.)

Challenge time as our final three pull up in a limo with license plate “GME ON”. Kosmo plays it cool and actually gets a conversation going except you can’t tell if she’s interested in him because she likes him or because, you know, she’s being paid to be interested in him. Brady insults a girl and asks why is she a stripper and that is just not a good opening line. Fat Joe does a better job with Brady’s girl. Kosmo seems to be in a real conversation, Fat Joe looks like he works the door at the place and Brady finally is able to get a girl to talk to him, which in a strip club should not be a challenge.

By the way, no one has tipped anyone, been pressured to buy a drink or been forcibly asked to buy a dance. Austin is apparently Bizzaro world when it comes to these things. Again, or so I’ve been told. I mean, it’s not like I vacation in New Orleans all the time or anything.

Kosmo’s girl had a boyfriend and that’s the end of that game. Why, I’m not sure. Fat Joe ends up in the “Let’s Just Be Friends” zone with his girl, which is rather amazing given the circumstances. Good looking girl, too, if you could get past the horrendous back tattoo. What made anyone ever think that those are a good idea? Brady, finally showing the promise that I saw in him when this show started, gets a girl to change clothes, head out to his limo and make out with him. I agree with Mystery, mad props for the effort. Whether it is the wisest thing to do is another story. Brady wins and makes the final two.

Elimination time and this should be quick. It’s either Kosmo or Fat Joe. They each plead their case (interspersed by a very appropriate ad by Virgin Mobile) and in the end Fat Joe is eliminated. It’s the right call and to be honest, the guy is at the point now where he should be able to get a bunch of dates. All in all, he is going to leave this show with his pride intact and a better life.

The final is tomorrow and it is Brady vs. Kosmo. Who will win the love of women around the world? Who will win the show? Would that even be the same person? Is it fair that the two best looking guys are the ones who made the finals? All will be discussed in due time.

The five random CDs for the week:
1) Howie Day “Stop All The World Now”
2) Scott Miller and the Commonwealth “Citation”
3) Aimee Mann “Lost in Space”
4) Sarah McLachlan “Surfacing”
5) Tiny Town “Tiny Town”

Backlund to Sheik to Hogan to...

Getting back to being my normal self, as a day in the office tends to force you into a sense of normalcy. My body has finally come around to getting with the program and most of the knots in my back have untied though a few are still pretty stubborn. I’ll probably be living on Advil for a couple more days but all in all it looks like I’ve gotten through this mess. Heck, we even won at trivia tonight so everything seems to be back in working order upstairs as well.

(One of my strange tendencies whenever I have a health scare is to recite strange and unusual facts as I assume that if I can recall these then nothing can be seriously wrong. As a teenager I used to run though every math equation I knew and then recite sines, cosines and tangents in both degrees and radians. I’ve mellowed a bit with age as last night I sat in bed and recounted the history of the WWF heavyweight title from 1978 to 1995. Obviously if I can describe how Andre the Giant won the title from Hulk Hogan due to an evil twin referee, then selling the title to Ted Dibiasie a minute thus causing the title to be vacated until a title tournament was held at the Trump Casino in Atlantic City won by Macho Man Randy Savage then things are back to normal. Not good mind you, but normal.)

Here is a sign of just how confusing I am as a person. Now that entire last paragraph would indicate that I’m a bit of a geek. The collection of Voltron DVDs and Beavis and Butthead episodes would tend to confirm that fact. However, I received today my official invitation to an art gallery opening in Las Vegas next month thanks to my art dealer. Yes, I legitimately have an art dealer who I’ve purchased some artwork through and who keeps an eye out on some artists for me. It was a connection I made during one of my trips to New Orleans (who then became a Vegas connection once Katrina washed him over to that part of the country.) Haven’t decided if I’ll go or not. I’ve never been to Vegas and given how much I hate walking through the casinos in KC I’m not sure if Vegas would be a better experience. Plus I’ve seen CSI. I know what happens to a lone vacationer in that town.

I’m guessing this is going to turn into a rather calm weekend for me. After the events of this week, calm is the best I can hope for. I’ll probably try to stop by the Plaza Art Fair as this is the first time in years that I’ve actually been in town the weekend it is held. I really want to see The Brunettes tomorrow night and as long as my body agrees to it I’ll go. That’s not a guarantee, it really is going to be a moment by moment decision. I have the ND-Michigan State game to…to…endure. Maybe we’ll actually score a touchdown this time. We haven’t beaten Michigan State at home since before I was a Notre Dame student and I don’t know if this is going to be the one. I’ll just have to find a place to cheer on my Illini then.

That’s it for this week. Sorry for the state of the postings but you really do not want to know what I’ve gone through this week. Posting to the blog is one of my daily highlights but this week all I wanted to do was sleep and recover. Just think of it this way, you’ll get two The Pick Up Artist recaps including the season finale. You need no other reason to keep reading.

Back once again

Alright, I’m vaguely back with a status update. As I emailed a friend today when she asked if I was ok: “Ok is a relative term.” I’m now at the point where I no longer feel like absolute crap, doctors have decided what my problems are if not quite given me a clean bill of health, and my overall soreness has decreased to the point where I can function again. And if you are wondering how a fever can cause someone to injure their back, well, if you know me you know that is a surprisingly common occurrence.

(It’s strange telling a new doctor your full medical history and discovering that he is not believing a word of it. Or more like “How the hell did you break that?” My regular doctor back in Chicago would just shake his head every time I came in to see him. He was stunned the one time I actually came in for a physical as opposed to the typical disaster.)

I’ll tell the full story at some point, especially as it may impact a good portion of my life for the next couple of months. Luckily it looks like I did no serious damage but I’m reaching the age where these types of misadventures have gone from freak accidents to things to be concerned about. Welcome to middle age I guess.

Something else I have to say. I’ve given the state of Kansas a lot of crap over the past few years. And while some of it they deserved (banning The Catcher in the Rye) I’ve probably been a little too harsh. I really owe a great deal of thanks to everyone at KU Med who did excellent work helping me figure out just what the hell happened over the past few days. As someone who has been in emergency rooms in several countries it was a definite nice sight to see. Just wanted to say that before the bill arrives.

Since it’s Wednesday (and I want to post something that I’ll enjoy after a rough couple of days) here is Neko Case’s video for “Maybe Sparrow”.

Update

No post tonight. I spent most of the day in the emergency room for a variety of reasons. My fever still hasn't broken and I'll just say that I have a whole host of other ailments to add to the list. I'll try to write again once I feel better.

Apologies to those who were looking forward to a Pick Up Artist summary. It just has to wait for now.

Fever In, Fever Out

Best of 120 Minutes: It surprises me that I can remember anything from the 1993/1994 time range. I’m not talking about the fact that there has been a lot of Jager under the bridge between now and then. It’s not because pretty much my entire life focused on incomprehensible circuit diagrams and things being measured in nanometers. It wasn’t even my attempt to date one girl, then abandoning that plan to date her roommate and then nicely blowing the entire thing. No, the main reason is that due to the hundreds of CDs that I’ve bought since then I can’t figure out how I can recall videos from bands I never even really listened to.

Like Jawbox for example. Here is what I know about Jawbox. They had a female bass player like every other band in 1993. I think they were from Washington D.C. That’s it. Oh, and this video about the freakiest children’s birthday party ever. For some reason I always forget the present of the stuffed dog (not stuffed as in the carnival prize meaning of the term) but always remember the bass player looking up at the camera at the end of the song. Still dig the song though.

I wish I had a whole bunch of stories about my sordid life to share from this weekend but sadly this entire weekend was basically spent lying on the couch sick. I started feeling it Friday night. I went out to see Mark Olson (formerly of The Jayhawks) in concert and had a good time. Even as the show was coming to an end I could feel my body trying to shut down. Got home and pretty much went straight to bed. Got up on Saturday and was feeling pretty decent. Did some shopping, had breakfast, started laundry and was all set to attack a pretty large to do list. Then, I discovered that I have ESPNU and could actually watch Illinois-Syracuse and decided to lie down on the couch and watch the first half. That may have been a bad choice.

Basically my body decided to complain about the fact that I have been going full throttle for a good month now with no break. Not even on the weekends where I have had some late Saturday nights on top of long weeks in the office. So while watching my Illini play really good ball I could start feeling myself get the chills. And then I started to sweat. Then every joint in my body, including a few I didn’t think I have, started to ache. It was at that point I realized that I probably wasn’t going to be able to go barhopping last night.

This happens to me once or twice a year where I just get worn down to the point where my body forces me to stop. Fever, aches, headaches, general overall feelings of crappines. Not something that typically hits me in September but there is always a week in January or February that follows this exact same pattern. My treatment is the same, sit on the couch and watch television, Advil for the pain, soup for my meals, and a lot of whining in general. It’ll break in a day or two and I’ll be fine, though I should probably take a day off in the near term so that I can get back on track.

(At some point in the next few days I should write about the fact that I could probably take Advil every day and be perfectly justified (other than it would create absolute havoc on my body). It’s been ten years since I had my first injury that has resulted in constant pain and I really should tell that story. It explains why I stand with a noticeable tilt and why I no longer golf.)

Anyway, I have one football story I need to post here. Obviously, Notre Dame was pitiful and even I turned it off at halftime. I played as ND on PS2 and I couldn’t score there either. Here is what bothers me. Charlie Weis is in his third year. Ron Zook at Illinois is also in his third year. After watching both teams on Saturday there is no doubt in my mind that Illinois has a better team. True, Syracuse is bad but this Illini squad really should have beat Missouri and almost did with a backup quarterback. Notre Dame just looks pitiful out there. The defense is slightly ok but the offense honestly looks like it has no weapons. The fact that the Illini are better than the Irish really bothers me. Ron Zook had a hell of a lot less to work with than Charlie Weis in terms of players and attention for recruits. After two straight two win seasons I can see Illinois going six and six and making a bowl game, which would be a huge accomplishment. I can even see an upset of Michigan due to the spread offense. For ND to go from BCS bowls to a team that seemingly can’t run any offense and doesn’t seem to have any talent is really frightening.

The five random CDs for the week:
1) Buddy Miller “Midnight and Lonesome”
2) Lyle Lovett “My Baby Don’t Tolerate”
3) Various Artists “Down From the Mountain”
4) Kelly Willis “Easy”
5) Kelly Willis “Translated From Love”

Crawling to the finish line

There is a very strange feeling that comes over you when you receive something like two hundred emails in one day at the office. It’s a sense of uneasy calmness as you discover you have lost so much of the plot that the story seems to make more sense now. Well, that and you immediately start to wonder if you could offshore your own job to India so you wouldn’t have to go through all these messages. Sigh. Sometimes technology isn’t very wonderful. I probably could have solved this in a phone call but ended up filling up an entire server instead.

Wish I could talk about the president’s address but I skipped it in protest. I mean, what type of country is this that we delay an episode of Big Brother just to have the president give a speech? Where are our priorities people? It was vitally important to find out who won the last head of household competition and determined the final two. This isn’t as bad as when CBS decided that the Chiefs pre-season game was more important but it’s in the running.

Oh, and it’s Dick and Danielle in the final pairing. Could we vote for neither of them to win the money? I know that reality shows tend not to reward nice and kind people but do we have to give the prize to the mean, bratty people instead?

Don’t have a whole lot planned for this weekend. Should be able to catch Mark Olson (formerly of the Jayhawks) doing a solo show tomorrow night, which will be cool. The Jayhawks were a horribly underappreciated band who did their thing (country rock with great harmonies) better than anyone else. They just never got that big break. That’s probably the best show of the weekend while next week will be one of those weeks where I’m seemingly always in front of a stage. It’s odd, I can go weeks without seeing any bands and then I’ll do five shows in a week.

I’ll watch the ND-Michigan game, which should just be called the “They’ve got to win eventually” game. I think this is being shown on ABC as they really feel that we all need to be punished. I’m sorry but even as an alum I’m expecting this to be an ugly game. I’ll watch it and cheer but I’m down to hoping for an offensive touchdown that is not totally offensive. People have asked me why I tend to watch games from home as opposed to going to bars. One reason is that I can multitask and use the fact that I’ll be in my apartment for three hours as a great excuse to do laundry. The main reason though is that I need to reduce the amount of time during the week that I spend at the end of a bar, looking down at the veneered surface and muttering obscenities to myself.

Ok, that’s it for this week. I really need to get some sleep. Have a good weekend everyone.

Always wanted what you don't understand...

Wednesday Night Music Club: I emailed long-time friend of the blog Erik a detailed breakdown of the twenty or so new CDs that have piled up in my apartment, several of which had as my only comment “still haven’t gotten around to listening to it yet.” I think that is a sign of being a collector (or completely insane) in that I’ll buy something with no intent of actually listening to it. However, one disc that I have listened to is “Fables” by Immaculate Machine. You haven’t heard of this band other than the fact that I tend to prattle on and on about them. Last year I drove to Lawrence to watch them play at Replay Lounge. They only had one CD at the time so I essentially drove two hours to see a forty five minute set from a band playing in front of pinball machines. That’s how much I like these kids. This is the best song on the new disc “Jarhand”. Fun video that shows what happens when you let a bunch of art students from Vancouver loose with a video camera. Plus, it has my music crush Kathryn Calder in it so I’ll enjoy it at least.

Had to deal with another bit of car trouble yesterday as I had another flat tire to deal with. For those of you scoring at home (lucky bastards) that is the sixth flat I’ve had to deal with in slightly over two years. This is what I get for living in a town that believes that raised steel plates make for a perfectly fine roadway. I ended up having to replace a tire that we patched earlier this year because it had a nail in it. Now this does raise the question as to why we didn’t just replace the tire in the first place. Or more importantly, why I didn’t make a big stink given that I took it to the same shop both times and made me pay twice for the same tire. Basically, as everyone knows, I suck at negotiations. If I tried to cut a deal they would have ended up with the title to my car.

Otherwise things have been pretty quiet today. I’ve been just completely swamped at work with meetings and trying to get my head around an entirely new product line. I’ve even had to take off my marketing hat and put the finance hat back on, which may or may not be a good thing. I don’t think we need any more blog posts about excel spreadsheets and NPV calculations. Somehow I’m considered an expert in that as well as pop culture knowledge, two things that really don’t seem to go together.

I’ve had to explain to people that my career path can best be described as schizophrenic. Within two months of become a full time member of the workforce I was staring into the core of a nuclear reactor. I then spent five years building mathematical models of the nation’s electrical grid and working on deregulating it just so guys from Enron could then call me on a daily basis to swear at me. Then after a sojourn at the Backer (and occasionally a classroom) I was off to the great plains to run business cases. Or spend some time doing bond pricing models. And then this weird pop culture role that I have absolutely no training for other than I watch an awful lot of tv and I pay attention to everything. It really is a bizarre career path.

I have to say that I like it though. I could still be in the energy biz, working in the same cubicle or possibly a slightly larger one and making good money. But I was getting burnt out on it and couldn’t figure out what would change. The laws of physics are rather stable and electricity is only going to flow one way. So change was good for me. It usually is. Given the rut I’m in in many aspects of my life I should probably ponder that point some more.

Don't call it a comeback...

Despite the fact that the season seems to be a complete loss I am having an inordinate amount of fun with the Notre Dame football team this year. Specifically, the NCAA Football 2008 version of the team, whose starting quarterback defaults to that dude who was thrown off the team over the summer. As a result, I have decided to rechristen Notre Dame’s starting quarterback “Doctor Wang” or D Wang for short. I swear to God, tonight I was able to get Brad Nessler to say “Wang down with a sack” during tonight’s game against Missouri (which I lost thanks to Travis Thomas fumbling on the goal line in overtime). It might be childish but right now it’s more enjoyable than my typical Saturday afternoons.

Anyway, though I’m a little late to the blogsphere party I guess that it is my duty as a fifth tier pop culture analyst to talk about Britney’s appearance at the VMA’s. First off, while I didn’t watch the show directly I have on strong authority that John Norris hosted the pre-award show. If you’re my age you are going “That John Norris? The dude who was like the sixth best VJ in 1990?” Yep, he still apparently has a job at MTV. I’m not sure why, maybe he didn’t rat out Kurt Loder to the cops and is kept on the way they do in the mob. I can’t see what he would do day to day at the MTV offices other than hang out by the coffee and talk about how he hit on Cindy Crawford to nineteen year old interns who have no idea who he is talking about. And a nineteen year old would legitimately not know who Cindy Crawford is, if you think about it.

On to Britney. I will go on the record that I am not going to make any comments as to whether Brit is fat or not. If she’s fat then it’s no doubt as to why women have such mind screwing body image issues. Plus, I can’t call anyone out on a little softness around the midsection. That said, her wearing the matching bra and panties set as her comeback outfit was not a very good call. It really did not work to her advantage.

Neither did showing up to the VMAs drunk and not rehearsing. If you’ve seen the footage, which I’ve now watched twice for six minutes of my life that I will regret wasting when the ice cream truck runs me down in the middle of the road, you know it is a train wreck of incredible performances. It’s all lip synched, of course, though it makes you wonder why they even bothered with the rather ungainly microphone battery pack stuck to her backside. But worse than being lip synched it is horribly lip synched, which is odd given that the song pretty much consists of her singing “Gimme More” over and over again. It’s not like she has to memorize a Sufjan Stevens lyric or anything.

The performance was…how shall I put this? Ok, the song is not going to be a radio hit or even a dance club hit. It will probably be a hit at a place named Vixxxen where dancers named after either minerals or cocktails will embrace it. Britney’s performance would be what you would therefore expect from a dancer named Talc who you tip just to get her to go away (or so I’ve been told.) She had no rhythm and barely moved. When she did move she was out of step and often moving in the opposite direction of everyone on stage. She had no energy, no life and seemed to be someone who had no desire to be up there in front of a crowd. She basically looked like the punch line to a joke and even in her vaguely wasted state she was slowly figuring out that she was the joke.

It’s this last bit that I’m struggling through. While we all may question her sanity, sobriety and talent this is still someone who has an opportunity to rebound and salvage her image and she pretty much ruined it in one fell swoop. This is rather incredible as both Michael Jackson and Pee Wee Herman were able to use the VMAs for image rehab. I can’t believe either her or her handlers thinking on this. You have only one opportunity to make a comeback and nail a first impression. You want to have every single second orchestrated and planned so that nothing could possibly go wrong. Hell, I wouldn’t even do it on live television if I could avoid it. Instead we have this fiasco. So I must go with the rest of the nation now turning its eyes to Kevin Federline for guidance. He may be our only hope.

(Oh, and MTV gave out awards for videos that they don’t show. Really, the VMAs have been pretty much meaningless ever since they got rid of Arsenio Hall.)

Mystery: Douchebag or Fartknocker? Discuss.

And now, our latest installment in the wonderful world of The Pick Up Artist. I really need to watch this show as I went grocery shopping this evening and did not end up with a naked woman in my apartment so I am obviously doing something wrong. Maybe I’m just shopping in the wrong aisle. Is there an official skank aisle? Hopefully Mystery will reveal this tonight.

Episode 6: I Know a Merry Widow When I See One…

Last week we sent the guys to a coffee shop where Fat Joe walked the dog, Blonde Joe walked the plank and Pradeep found a girl with nothing better to do than sit around and talk for an afternoon. With Blonde Joe’s ouster we are down to our final four of Pradeep, Fat Joe, Brady and Kosmo. Who will reach the next level of pick up masterdom? Who will return to a world of watching pro wrestling on Monday nights? We’ll find out soon enough.

We start off with the weekly “I can’t believe they eliminated someone” moments where the cast momentarily forgets that they all signed up for a game show. Fat Joe reminds us that he lives in his parents’ basement but is progressing to a better place, which is most likely a room above the garage. That said, Fat Joe is probably my favorite guy left. Anyway, to cheer the boys up Mystery brings out their next lesson, which is having the two women previously seen during the kissing episode reappear for a lesson in lingerie. The guys are excited in a geekish sort of way and I suddenly yearn for Blonde Joe to appear as he would have gushed about the fabrics. The girls show off their wares dressed not entirely like a stripper but nearing that end of the spectrum. With this group a lesson of “this is how you remove a bra” would have been sufficient. This leads to the reward contest where the guys need to buy lingerie for the girls with whoever does the best job winning Matador as their wingman for the night. I assume this means the losers end up with J-Dog.

So the entire idea of this contest is to see if the guys actually listened to the girls as they presented their likes and dislikes. Pradeep apparently thinks that Tara would like a Santa’s cap because…because…it’s like July in Austin? Kosmo seems to blush even saying the word bra but Brady and Fat Joe bring the awesome as always. Fat Joe shows that he listens and wins Matador for the night, which will probably just consist of him yelling “I’m El Matador, damnit” over and over again. This is followed by a scene back at the house where Pradeep slaps Fat Joe and while I doubt that he meant actual physical harm, just showed that he is a complete dick by not going an apologizing to him. I mean, you accidentally hit someone you just go “Sorry dude” and everything is settled. Act like you did nothing wrong and you will be legitimately hated.

So the next lesson is on how to move from attraction to seduction and apparently all you need to do is “bounce” to another venue and have an instant date. That’s it? That’s what I’m going to pay five large for private lessons in? Take her to another bar? Jeez, in Westport that just means literally walking across the street. Maybe the fact that I have my own stool at Harry’s is a problem. It takes the jaws of life to get me to leave that place. Anyway, on to the competition where we see who can bounce like Tigger and who gets bounced back into the wonderful world of comic books.

Fat Joe and Matador get to work first and this isn’t really fair. The dude just shows that confidence is all that matters at the end of the day. Biggest lesson, and one that I suck at since I tend to go out by myself, is the importance of just being seen talking to someone. Brady does something similar and shows his best moves so far. Pradeep decides his best move is to ruin Fat Joe’s and complete ruins what he had going in a manner that would on the South Side probably result in you getting knifed in the parking lot. There are only a few rules in life. Never take a guy’s girl is one. Never do it in front of his face is another. Thankfully Pradeep gets roundly rejected by two girls who offer to buy him a drink if he would just shut up. Note to Pradeep: as a guy you cannot ask for a free drink. Ever. I mean, if you’re me sometimes they magically appear but you can’t ask for them. Kosmo gets girls to go across the street and actually dances in front of the girls. Not exactly smooth but he is the only one who met the objective and wins as a result. Brady should have done better but he’s shown the most improvement.

Elimination time as we quickly get down to Fat Joe and Pradeep. If this decision goes opposite what I think it should I will just give up on reality television. It would show that it is more fixed than the NBA. Luckily my fate in reality television is rewarded and Pradeep goes back to his circit diagrams. Oh reality television, let us never fight again.

Next week: the final three have to pick up a woman running across a bridge. Oh, now they’re just being mean. And, in what might possibly be the best idea ever, the elimination challenge will revolve around trying to pick up strippers. Yes! This show rules. Finally something we can all relate to. Can’t wait for this one.

Actually, Suspenders Might Be An Option...

Best of 120 Minutes: There has been an interesting change in my music consumption habits over the past fifteen years. Right now I’ll buy a CD based on hearing a song once with no real regard as to whether or not I’ll actually like the disc. I can just spur of the moment buy something on a whim. Case in point, I picked up the new Feist CD just because I heard the song 1,2,3,4 and really dug it. Now after hearing the song during every single NFL commercial break (burn in hell, Apple) I’m starting to hate it. But back in college I just didn’t have that type of disposable income and there are bands that I liked that I never owned. Bob Mould falls into that category. Don’t own and Husker Du or Sugar or any of his solo work. But I’ve always dug his music. Anyway, here is See a Little Light, apologies for the twenty seconds of promo footage before the video actually starts. Plus, he went to Macalester so he has to be cool.

I went out shopping this afternoon as I had no desire to watch the Chiefs get pummeled by a glorified arena football team. My big shopping need this time around? Belts. Yeah, even I’m getting sick of wearing the same belts and figured that I needed some more style and flair. However, while belt shopping I saw something that really blew my mind. I came across a $200 belt. And it’s not like it had some incredibly unique pattern, it was basically black leather. Needless to say I am utterly confused by this.

First of all, how the hell do you make a $200 belt? I understand thousand dollar custom made suits. There you are talking about hand tailoring and major labor hours and focus on a one of a kind garment. This is a belt. It’s just a strip of leather with a metal buckle. Unless this thing was threaded with gold I can’t figure out how the material and labor costs could be anywhere near $200. My second thought is would you impress anyone with a $200 belt? People will notice a fancy watch or even an interesting belt buckle but this thing basically just had a Dolce and Gabbana name on it. I’m not even sure if anyone would notice it.

Now I’m not opposed to wearing expensive stuff. I now pay more for pairs of jeans than I used to pay for suits. I’m nearing the point where I will have more shoe trees than shoes. I have dress shirts that are too cool to wear to work and too nice to wear to a bar. Basically I have clothes waiting for a social life that has yet to appear. Still, if you’re dressing to impress I figure you better get your money’s worth and a fancy shirt and a good watch will beat a high quality leather belt any day.

(Oh, and no I didn’t buy the belt. Picked up two from the Gap that will work better with my part casual, part dressy wardrobe. Though I could have done without the massive picture of John Mayer inside the store.)

Sadly that might have been the highlight of my weekend. I spent much of this weekend working as my workload suddenly doubled and I needed to spend a few hours just figuring out what any of the two hundred emails I received actually meant. I’m not quite sure how I ended up with a second job other than this will teach me to never accept meeting makers again. Notre Dame got trounced though Jimmy Claussen looked decent for an eighteen year old kid scared half to death. Bears lost and didn’t seem to have any offense at all. Their running game worries me. I really don’t have much faith in Cedric Benson. And Cobra Kai is poised to lose their opener thanks to Tony Romo just kicking my ass right now. I’ll need a three touchdown game out of Larry Fitzgerald to pull this one out. I might just have to hold out hope until hockey season after all.

The five random CDs for the week:
1) R.E.M. “Reckoning”
2) The Connells “Still Life”
3) Air “Movie Score to The Virgin Suicides”
4) Josh Rouse “Country Mouse City Mouse”
5) Luscious Jackson “Fever In Fever Out”

A novel preview...

I’ll close out the week by commenting on some comments…

On the Fantasy Football front: I’m a little torn on the idea of taking Peyton Manning in the first round. Admittedly the only time I won money in our league was when I broke every rule by picking Peyton and Marvin Harrison in the first two rounds. Of course, I also saved myself with a brilliant Thomas Jones pick up in a later round. I still think you can do it if you admit that you will be chasing for the rest of the draft. We made a decision beforehand that if Peyton was there at 9 take him and I didn’t hesitate. I still have no idea how Westbrook fell so far since I was thinking of taking him at 5 at one point. And Holt in the third round was a steal given that even I passed on him with my real team. I’m still not 100% happy with his team due to the lack of depth at RB and no great #2 receiver but based on tonight’s game I don’t think he’s arguing.

And yes I know that most people get the same expression on their face from listening to a guy talk about fantasy football that I get when they talk about their kids. I promise this won’t turn into a weekly thing.

However, there is a weekly topic that I do need to write about and that is the comment on Mystery and The Pick Up Artist. Basically, the idea is that people with first hand knowledge view Mystery as a freak whose method is essentially having no shame and talking to every girl until one gives you the time of day. I don’t doubt that at all. I am still thinking of picking up his book because a) I have a ton of credits at Amazon and b) I want to see how bad he really is. But the real question is why am I so drawn to this show?

The first reason is that the entire setup of the show is so bizarre that you can’t help but enjoy it. It’s a game show built around the concept of sending a bunch of geeks into a club and seeing if they can score. There is just too much humor there to be believed. The lessons are shown so briefly and in such arcane language that it seems like Mystery is legitimately teaching them magic tricks. It doesn’t help that these guys are taking copious notes. I’ve taken less notes in graduate school than these guys take from a guy named J-Dog. On this level I think everyone can enjoy the show.

The other reason, and definitely the more interesting one, is a lot more personal. My first novel, which I’m going to start writing on October 15 and have the first draft finished by November 30, has a plot that revolves around a guy who has kind of lost the plot of his life and has his buddies perform a complete makeover on him in order to see if he can land the girl of his dreams. Or any girl for that matter. Now there are some people reading this who will view that as sounding rather autobiographical. The fact that many scenes will take place in a bar featuring a wise bartender possibly named Donna will pretty much settle it.

See, that’s the big reason why I have to watch the show. I kind of already lived this. As this blog has made abundantly clear I’m a bit of a nerd and definitely not the most confident person in social situations. But a few years ago I sat with my buddies at the corner of the bar and we came up with a plan to not really reinvent me (I didn’t change anything of my core being) but to show me in the best light. And sure, this is why I invoke the Tao at times and it may have seemed silly but damned if it didn’t work. I wish I could get everyone back together so we could do it again because I could probably use a refresher course.

But what gets me is that what Mystery taught and what my buddies taught varies at one massive point. Mystery is showing how you pick up women. To give his best example, this is how you see someone in the grocery store and twenty minutes later she is naked in your hotel room. While at some base level every guy will go “that is cool” it does raise the question of “should I be sleeping with someone who twenty minutes ago was walking down the cereal aisle minding her own business?” It’s viewing social interaction as conquest and that really isn’t healthy. What I was taught was how to not ruin the opportunity of meeting the girl of your dreams before you even had the chance to start. It was how to hold yourself with confidence, how to change your attitude and most importantly, knowing how to walk away. There’s a reason why my novel is called “Until We Say Goodbye”. That last lesson has been the hardest to learn.

So The Pick Up Artist is a filmed train wreck. It didn’t have to be. Hopefully my novel will show how one can change from a nobody to a somebody in a little better light. At the very least, I’m confident that no one will be called El Matador in it.

Have a great weekend. Go Irish and Illini? Please?

Strike First, Strike Hard, No Mercy

In honor of his new disc being released last week (one that I really need to listen to more carefully) I’ve decided to post a Josh Ritter song tonight as a part of the Wednesday Night Music Club. This song is called “Kathleen” and is probably one of my favorite songs of the past few years. It definitely has my favorite opening verse in recent memory “All the other girls here are stars, you are the northern lights. They try to shine in through your curtain but you’re too close and too bright.”

Oh, and I get a weird sense of self-satisfaction that the immediate response to a post of “what I have done with my life” is a comment reminding me that Alexander the Great had conquered the world by my age while I can barely win a game of Stratego. I wish I could keep up the self-loathing but right after I published the blog last night I got a phone call and got to hear my nieces sing happy birthday. It’s really difficult to remain depressed when you get to experience something that cute. I’m still going to change my entire life this year, don’t get me wrong, it’s just that I view it as a great adventure as opposed to “oh my God, I’ve wasted everything.”

Anyway, tonight was my fantasy football draft and I thought I’d officially release the names of the 2007 edition of Cobra Kai. Picks are listed in order as I picked 5th in a 12 team league with no TE requirement

#1: RB Joseph Addai: Indianapolis
#2: RB Ronnie Brown: Miami
#3: WR Larry Fitzgerald: Arizona
#4: WR Lee Evans: Buffalo
#5: RB Carnell “Cadillac” Williams: Tampa Bay
#6: WR Jerricho Cotchery: New York Jets
#7: QB Matt Hasselbeck: Seattle
#8: Defense/Special Teams San Diego Chargers
#9: WR Mushin Muhammed: Chicago
#10: WR Wes Welker: New England
#11: QB Brett Favre: Green Bay
#12: K Robbie Gould: Chicago
#13: RB Michael Bennett: Kansas City

My initial reaction: I got the running back I wanted with Joseph Addai, who won the coin flip over Shaun Alexander. I just couldn’t risk Alexander killing me two years in a row. I was stunned that Ronnie Brown was there in the second round as I was willing to settle for Edge James in that spot. All of the quarterbacks through Mcnabb were gone before I made my third pick so that was an easy choice of Fitzgerald and then a pure steal of Lee Evans in the fourth. Cadillac gives me the best running back depth I think I’ve ever had. I’m not completely happy with the rest of my receiving corps though I took Welker because I truly believe that he is going to have a huge year as the Pats possession receiver. Hasselbeck is a safe QB choice. It was either that or trust Jon Kitna and I just couldn’t do that over an entire season. Favre will back him up nicely though the fact that I picked a guy from the Packers disgusts me. For once I actually have a good defense and a good kicker as I lucked out on both picks. I’ll at least get to cheer whenever the Bears score, though it’s sad that I’ll be cheering for field goals over touchdowns.

Also, just to make things interesting, I had to pick one of my buddies teams as well. Here are those selections, drafting ninth this time. I might have done a better job with his than with mine.

#1: QB Peyton Manning: Indianapolis
#2: RB Brian Westbrook: Philadelphia
#3: WR Torry Holt: St. Louis
#4: RB Clinton Portis: Washington
#5: WR Laverneus Coles: Washington
#6: RB Chester Taylor: Minnesota
#7: WR Joe Horn: Atlanta
#8: WR Devery Henderson: New Orleans
#9: Defense/Special Teams: Miami Dolphins
#10: RB Vernand Morecy: Green Bay
#11: WR Brandon Marshall: Denver
#12: K Neil Rackers: Arizona
#13: QB Trent Green: Miami

When You Wake Up Feeling Old...

So I turned 34 today.

Sigh.

Let’s see, when they were my age Kurt Cobain had been dead for seven years, Jeff Buckley for three and Christopher Marlowe for five. F. Scott Fitzgerald had already published “This Side of Paradise” and “The Great Gatsby” while Hemmingway had completed “The Sun Also Rises” and “A Farewell To Arms”. Hell, Sheryl Crow had recorded “All I Wanna Do” and Joan Osborne had convinced everyone that “One of Us” was a good song. Makes me wonder what the hell I am doing with my life.

I have to admit that I have a rather ambivalent view towards my birthday. It’s just never been this big day of celebration for me. Part of that is due to the fact that an early September birthday is kind of sucky when you are a kid. Your birthday means that school is starting so you have nine months of learning new things accompanied by nine months of ridicule and insults because you happen to find learning new things interesting. That always put a damper on birthday celebrations and it still filters through to today. Of course now it is more of realizing that I am hundreds of miles away from my family and late at night I find myself wondering if I have more friends in Mexico City than Kansas City. So you can pretty much assume that I haven’t broken out the balloons and streamers tonight.

I know that it is weird and maudlin but this is the way I get on my birthday. I sit and look at my life and wonder what the hell am I doing here. I mean, my senior year of high school is now literally half a lifetime ago yet I still myself wondering about those days and having nightmares about not having finished a Physics assignment. College was more than a decade ago, I haven’t worked as an engineer for six years, yet I still can’t tell you where any of those years went. In “Kitchen Confidential” Anthony Bourdain wrote about his ice cream truck theory. The idea being if you happened to get run over by an ice cream truck what would your last thought be as the pleasant jingle rang in your ears. He wanted it to always be “I sure had a lot of fun”. I’ve been wondering a lot about what mine would be.

I’ve accomplished a lot in 34 years. I’ve collected a lot of pieces of paper that say I’m smart. I’ve made some great friends and hope that I’ve lived my life by my only rule, leave the world a better place than you found it. I have yet to force any company I’ve worked for into bankruptcy and have, on occasion, helped board members to large bonuses. I’ve built an eclectic and schizophrenic resume but one that looks mighty impressive. Whether any of this means anything is debatable. The fact that I haven’t exactly focused on maximizing my enjoyment in life really isn’t.

It’s strange, I was thinking the other day that there is very little I require in life. I’m not a heavy baggage / high maintenance type of guy. Give me some good books, some good music and halfway decent conversation and I’m good to go. If I could ever find a girl who liked me and could also tell me ten things I don’t already know I’d probably follow her to the ends of the earth. But what really drives me is the fact that there are things that I don’t know and haven’t learned. A friend of mine emailed me last week recommending that since I love music so much I should take voice lessons and learn to sing. I could add that to the list of things I want to accomplish except that there are two out there that I promised to do before turning 35. One is write my novel. The other is get married. I’ll get one of them done at least.

Before anyone starts getting really worried I still feel that I’m living a pretty awesome life. A year ago today I was on a plane flying to London for business and got to hang out drinking Guinness across from the British Museum. There are a lot of times I look at my life and wonder how I pulled all of this off. But there are a lot of things missing, too. And a few years ago I could just think “Don’t worry, I’ll do that later.” Now I’m in my mid-thirties. Later has basically arrived. And I really have no clue what my next step is going to be or what I have to do to turn my life into what I feel that it should be. Coming from a guy whose entire life has been built by knowing exactly what to do in every situation this is not a fun feeling.

Wait, you mean you can pick up sober girls too?

Let’s see what lessons I can learn from Mystery, El Matador and J-Dog tonight.

Episode #5: I’d Like To Be The Latte In Your Double Mocha

Last week on The Pick Up Artist our cast of castoffs were taught how to kiss, given lessons in confidence and then sent into a club where they proceeded to forget everything. In the end Scott, who sadly reminds me of me, was sent off to the land where he is his own Dungeon Master. That leaves us with five contenders for the title of Master Pick Up Artist. A quick overview (in order of current pick up mastery)

Blonde Joe: Can start a conversation, looks good and would make a really good wimgman. Still dealing with the issue that everyone thinks that he is gay. Really struggling with the fact that everyone might be right.
Kosmo: Kissed a girl last week, which guarantees a number two ranking. Still too hyper for his own good but if he turns it down a notch or two he’ll be good to go.
Fat Joe: Still fat but becoming a cool, smooth fat guy. I have no idea if this guy will ever learn how to close.
Brady: The best looking guy of the bunch but he almost has negative game. It’s kind of embarrassing, given the way the guy looks he should have an open invitation in any club but he is clueless. And not in the fumbling, somewhat endearing sort of way either.
Pradeep: Giving engineers everywhere a bad name. And that’s quite an accomplishment.

After the obligatory “let’s see who got sent off last episode” moment we have the group bonding with Pradeep thinking of quitting so that the other guys could win. As the other guys correctly put it that would imply that Pradeep has a chance in hell of winning this thing. Anyway, Mystery, Matador and J-Dog appear as a low rent version of the Three Musketeers to teach the next lesson, which is on self-confidence and body language. They mention that words can lie but your body language does not and you must gain control over your physical movements and know in your mind that you are a 10 no matter what. To test this, Mystery invites over some friends (or possibly strippers) for a pool party. The guy who interacts best wins the reward challenge. Oh, and all of the guys will be wearing Speedos. At this point, you all should be glad that I didn’t make the final casting call for this one.

After the guys have a little too much fun running around the house in speedos it is off to the pool. Fat Joe, who is actually the one most comfortable with his body image, makes the good point in that he knows that no woman is going to go “wow, he’s hot” so he has no fear of rejection at all right now. Alvaro is insanely self-conscious, which is weird given that he is the best athlete of the bunch. Pradeep actually shows some skill though in an obnoxious, lying sort of way (but then again, douchebaggery is an attractive trait). Fat Joe just rules, hanging out in the pool, perfectly relaxed, getting everyone to pay attention to him, and stealing Pradeep’s girl. He rocks, basically. No surprise that Fat Joe wins and for that he gets a puppy. Seriously, he won a freaking dog which he can use in the next competition. Actually, that is an excellent prize.

This is followed by Pradeep talking once again about quitting as the foreshadowing fairies seem to be in full effect here. After the other guys call him out on being a quitter it is time for the next lesson: how to pick up women in broad daylight. This is actually a really important lesson and I wish they hadn’t explained it as “it’s the same as nighttime, just slower” and “you have to pay attention to the woman’s signals.” Great, now I’ll have to buy Mystery’s book just to find out what you’re supposed to be doing. That and the fact that he mentioned picking up a woman in a grocery store and I want to find out how the hell is that even possible. Anyway, this leads us into the main challenge for the night as the guys leave the world of Tron and enter the world of coffee shops. Who will get a number from the intelligent, artistic woman of his dreams? Who is going to suffer the indignity of an espresso to the face? Let’s find out.

(Pause here as this is shot in Austin and for a split second I thought I might have seen my friend Maggie in the coffee shop. Looking forward to the new cd, check out maggiewalters.com for the release info.)

Fat Joe screws up hitting on women with a dog by turning it into a rather obvious ploy. Brady shows some skill that I haven’t seen from him before. Blonde Joe is comfortable in daylight but seems to lapse into small talk, which probably isn’t bad in the real world but is bad in this game show. Pradeep impresses me by actually not sounding like a prick and talking about weird Austin stuff. Kosmo sits there doing nothing, which is apparently his new specialty. But he then find two girls, starts a good conversation but sits down with them when their body language is screaming “go away.”

(Ok, as opposed to just staying with one guy they are doing whip around coverage. This is going to be like writing about the first round of the NCAA tournament.)

Brady stays with his girls and pulls off a line about women in the shower that works better than anything I could ever think of. Just brilliance, I’d print it but I’m going to save it for when I meet a girl who doesn’t have basic cable. Pradeep exhibits the Tao by walking away and then coming back and having an interesting conversation. However, as J-Dog points out, he seems to be falling into the “Let’s be friends” zone. Blonde Joe has chicks he just met asking him if he’s gay. That’s what you get when you talk about performing in Hair. Fat Joe still seems to be out walking his dog and Pradeep actually gets a number. Remind me to start hanging out in coffee houses again. Or move to Austin. One of the two. Pradeep wins and hell just received a frost warning.

It’s off to the elimination and the guys are all sad and scared at going. It’s a rather touching and poignant moment as they are basically in tears talking about how much they have changed and grown and not wanting the moment to end. I can empathize with that. There are probably several people here reading this who have heard me say those exact same words. Except that when I said them I was drunk off my ass in a bar and not, you know, on national television in front of a guy wearing a top hat, mascara and goggles. In the end, the elimination is between Brady and Blonde Joe. Brady survives in a tearful finale. Understandable as Blonde Joe did have an off day but can I say how freaky it is watching guys cry about losing at a game show about picking up women. Like “Oh my God, I’ll never get to talk to a beautiful woman again.” Of course, in this case it might actually be true.

Next week, lessons on lingerie. And someone breaks the cardinal rule of pickup artistry. I’m guessing that is never be a thoughtful, considerate human being. Who will win and who will have to deal with a restraining order? Find out next week.

(Oh and tomorrow is…tomorrow is…a momentous occasion for me. Guess you’ll just have to wait and see on that one.)

Living in a Daydream

On tonight’s edition of “The Best of 120 Minutes” I thought that I’d pay homage to one of the great movies of the early 90’s, “Singles”. Starring Bridget Fonda, Matt Dillon, that chick who ended up marrying Kevin Bacon, and that guy who always looked like a complete tool in an examination of single life in Seattle. Movie is best known for its music with one of the main cuts being this track by the Screaming Trees. I’ve always liked this video as it showed how pretty much anyone could get a video made in those days. Seriously, it’s just a bunch of fat dudes playing guitar. Awesome song though.

Anyway, I went to see “2 Days in Paris” last night, the film that was written, directed, produced, edited, scored and starred by Julie Delpy. That’s not a joke according to the credits she did all of those things on this film. Now I’ll start off by saying that this will not be an impartial review. The first thing you see when you walk into my apartment is a poster for the movie “White”, which is basically just Julie lying in bed and looking seductive and quizzical at the same time. For about a decade my computer background has been pictures of Julie. So I am definitely a fan and maybe too intense of one at that.

Still, I was worried going into this film. This just screams of a vanity project gone wrong and even though she was nominated for an Oscar for being one of the writers on Before Sunset I wasn’t sure what the point of this film was. Especially as on the surface it seems to just be a retread of Before Sunrise/Sunset. A couple spends two days in Paris walking around and talking. I wasn’t sure if there would be anything of note or if it was just going to be disjointed as hell.

I have to say, I was really surprised by how good this film is. It is a definite three star film and a really nice romantic comedy. The plot is pretty straightforward, Julie and Adam Goldberg play a couple who have reached that two year point in their relationship and wonder what is next. They travel to Europe and end up in Paris for two days to meet and stay with Julie’s parents (played by Julie’s actual parents who both happen to be actors). Adam has to deal with language barriers, cultural barriers and the fact that everywhere he turns he seems to run into one of Julie’s ex-lovers.

It’s a very funny film. There is some universal humor of the absolute horror involved in meeting someone’s parents and knowing that there are references being made that you’ll never understand. Plus there is the American abroad aspect, which is done really well. Julie makes some beginning director mistakes (relying too much on narration) but it is a really well done film. It’s a definite rental, a good date movie and for someone like me it means about a thousand things more than that.

See, when I talked about meeting Kelly Willis I mentioned that she was #3 on my Perfect mate list. Well, Julie is #1 and has been on the list since I first made it in 1995. And for me, watching this movie is like discovering what it would be like to actually date Julie. I mean, it’s like “here’s what it would be like to meet her parents and have her dad quiz me on French literature.” Or “how would you react to having a high strung, neurotic girlfriend who will launch into someone in a language that you do not understand.” It’s literally like having one of my daydreams brought to life on screen and it is almost disconcerting to see. One of my goals is not to live a life of regret, where I wonder what could have been. This movie shows me what could have been even though there was never any possibility that this could ever happen. And that’s a lot to process while reading subtitles.

So, in the end this is a really fun film to see. Maybe more so for me than other people but it is still a good night out. Hell, just to see Julie wear black rimmed glasses is worth the ticket price. But again, maybe that is just me.

The five random CDs for the week:
1) Freedy Johnston “Never Home”
2) Sheryl Crow “Sheryl Crow”
3) Iris DeMent “Infamous Angel”
4) 10,000 Maniacs “Our Time In Eden”
5) Gillian Welch “Revival”