Top 10 things to know on a first date

First of all, the phrase “Kudzu is for quitters” needs to be placed on a t-shirt. I really feel that it has the chance of becoming this year’s “Vote for Pedro.” Along with my NCAA licensed beer pong t-shirt I think I sense a money making opportunity here.

Anyway, when you’re like me you’ll find yourself on more email lists than you would care to mention, all of which are trying to improve your life in one way or another. Do to my once looking at getting an emode account I get fun relationship spam. I swear, this was sent to me a week ago. Here are the top 10 things to know on a first date (along with my helpful analysis)

1) Current events… and we’re not talking celebrity stuff

Oh, so the Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes relationship isn’t proper first date conversation? He’s dating a girl who had a poster of him on her wall, how can that not be a conversation starter. Plus, I’ve been reminded repeatedly to never get into a discussion of current events since I turn it into a political discussion and say things like “How could we have elected the worst president since Millard Fillmore and then reelected him?” or “You know, since Kansas has decided not to teach evolution in its schools I really feel that they should cut out sex ed and just tell the students that babies are delivered by storks and dropped down chimneys. And if you don’t have a chimney then tough luck.”

2) Know what sport is in season and know the name of your team

Let’s see, football is over. College basketball is done and pro basketball is boring. Hockey no longer exists. Baseball is in season but this is Kansas City so that doesn’t really count. I guess this means I’ll start the topic with “How about that Jeff Gordon? He sure knows how to turn left, doesn’t he?”

3) Have at least heard of three of the New York Times Bestsellers

Love the fact that you just had to have heard of them. Lord knows you wouldn’t want to show someone that you are literate or something. For most women the three books would be The Da Vinci Code, He’s Just Not That Into You and whatever the chick lit book of the month is (this month: the Ya-Ya sisterhood). For guys it will be the latest Stephen King novel, the latest John Grisham novel, and the latest pro wrestler autobiography.

4) Know how to correctly pronounce the last place you traveled

I love the fact that this implies that you can vacation somewhere and have no idea how to pronounce it. Especially when it will most likely be some exotic location like “Orlando” or “Las Vegas”. Wouldn’t you much rather have a really good story about where you’d like to visit or the cool story about when you were lost in a foreign country? Just seems like a much better thing to talk about on a first date.

5) Know the difference between a Cabernet and a Chardonnay

About five bucks a glass. They’re also two things I don’t drink. However, this does lead to the possibility of just turning a first date into the ultimate quiz. “Quick, what are the ingredients in a Red Headed Slut?” If the person sitting across from me can answer that (or will at least be willing to down a few with me) I’ll definitely be interested. Also on the list “Name the three years that Duke won national championships”, “Name the colors of all of the lions in Voltron” and “If you had a choice of listening to Brittney Spears next album or sticking your hand in a blender, which would you choose?”

6) Have at least one interesting piece of trivia to talk about (e.g., the human adult head weighs 15-20 lbs).

What?

What?

What?

Ok, I’m a trivia maven. I have the high score in bar trivia in four states. I’ve actually been barred from contests. It has never, ever helped me to pick up chicks. I can tell you exactly how this conversation would go.

EC: “Did you know the average human head weighs 20 lbs but I bet yours is only 15.”
Woman at bar: “Uh, ok. Are you like, a serial killer or something?”

Knowledge is nice. It can sometimes be useful. When you know something about a topic the other person is passionate about trivia can be wonderful common ground. The quoted example, that’s just frightening.

7) Know how to tell one joke well

However try to avoid prop comedy. You really shouldn’t remind your date of Carrot Top in any way, shape or form. Or break out the sledge-o-matic (even though that would be a night that she would never forget). Again, it’s good to have a sense of humor but do you really need to get into a stand up routine?

8) Know the big art scene (music, theatre, movies) in your area

It’s Kansas City so I’m basically screwed here. It’s like, “Hey did you see the new Jennifer Lopez movie at the Enormo-Plex?” (Did you know that some theaters weren’t showing that film because Jane Fonda was in it and they were still upset about the Vietnam stuff. How about not showing it because it is another crappy Jennifer Lopez movie?) Plus, since I’ve got such alternative tastes I have to be careful not to get into discussions on bands that no one outside of the subscribers of No Depression have ever heard of.

9) If the restaurant menu is stumping you – just point

Also, if the restaurant menu is stumping you the mating process is also going to present you with a number of challenges. You might as well take a step back and learn to read before you attempt to propagate the species.

10) Where you parked your car

And how to make your cel phone ring without anybody calling you…

Again, I didn’t make any of these up. This is the advice I get. If anyone has anything better, please let me know.