I have to admit, I am fascinated by the Runaway Bride story, or as I like to call it “Erin Brockavich, a very Pretty Woman, stops by My Best Friend’s Wedding only to meet Michael Collins on Notting Hill” or something to that effect. Anyway, there are some very important details of this story that must be addressed.
1) The bride to be originally purchased a bus ticket to Austin, TX, which really raises her coolness factor in my mind. Because when most people think about getting away from the world they don’t think of Austin but it is really a good choice. Of course, she gets off the bus in Dallas and goes to Las Vegas, which is a more typical escape destination. She then hangs around the Vegas bus terminal (I don’t get it either) and heads out to Albuquerque, a nice scenic refuge. All in all, a nice walkabout itinerary, which would only have been improved if she did hang around bars in Austin for a couple of nights listening to music.
2) Her fiancée has said that he still wants to go through with the wedding and has stated this on national television, which makes me question his sanity more than hers. Dude, at least say that this obviously means that we have to reconsider things and talk things through but that your feelings for her are unchanged. If the girl you were planning on marrying takes off on a cross country road trip the week of your wedding it is probably not a good idea to start pushing the commitment card while they are still wondering whether to press felony charges.
3) Of course, this is coming from me, the guy who people have made cash wagers on regarding when he will ever get married. Trust me, you really don’t want to know.
4) This is the most incredible part of the story to me. At her wedding she was to have 600 guests and 14 bridesmaids. 14 bridesmaids? How the hell do you have 14 bridesmaids? I can’t imagine the groom’s side on this trying to figure out how to get 14 guys to stand up at the wedding. See, the typical guy doesn’t have 14 friends who he would feel comfortable asking to stand up at his wedding. In fact, I’ve figured out the typical breakdown of a guy’s buddies. Here it is.
Level 1: The Best Buddy. This is your Al Cowlings type friend. The type of guy who when you are facing a murder charge and are trying to flee the country will say, “I’ll drive.” You only have one friend like this.
Level 2: The really good friends: Each guy has three of these. These are the people who if you call at four in the morning and go “Dude, I’m in jail”, will immediately bail you out. And then call you in the same situation the next week.
Level 3: Your drinking buddies: This often consists of the Level 1 and 2 friends of your Level 1 and 2 friends. The guys you hang out with all the time, know well but not that well. These are guys who will help you move if you offer free beer but will still most likely break some stuff in the move just because they can.
Level 4: Acquaintances: Pretty much everyone else that you know their first name falls into this category. Could be someone you’ve known for twenty years, could be that bartender who calls you Bill, they all fall into this big pile called “People I know”
For the typical guy, finding 14 groomsmen means you are going to be going deep into Level 4 territory. I mean, these are people you might not have invited to the wedding in the first place. If the Runaway Bride had a reason to take off, it was having the wedding planner from hell for allowing such a gargantuan situation to develop in the first place.
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