Branson strikes back

I think that I watched the latest sign of the apocalypse this morning. It was a commercial for “Dolly Parton’s Dixieland Stampede”. Trust me, I couldn’t make the following up if I tried. It’s located in Branson, Missouri (what a surprise). Here’s the details. Imagine Medieval Times. Exact same setup, crowd in this arena bowl, big dirt arena floor, food being lovingly thrown in your vague direction. But instead of seeing knights on horseback you see, well, you see the wonders of southern culture. Which includes: 1) bulls trying to stampede except that they can only run about twenty feet before needing to turn around, 2) chickens scampering around the floor, 3) guys chasing pigs and 4) people riding ostriches. I swear, every single one of those was shown in the commercial. It’s the ostriches that are confusing me. Maybe it’s some form of rural transportation that I’m just not aware of. Like when you’re fourteen and not old enough to drive they hand you the ostrich and you use that to get to school.

Surprisingly, my first reaction is not “Oh my God, I can’t believe that I’m in the target audience for this.” For Yakov that reaction still holds but for Dolly Parton I have a different reaction. See, I’m an alternative country guy. I read No Depression religiously and I’ve been told repeatedly that Dolly Parton is a classic artist that we need to revere like Johnny Cash and Hank Williams. I even like some of her songs, though I feel that Mindy Smith’s version of Jolene beats Dolly’s by a mile. Given that, I really don’t want to see her name tied to a bad rip off of Medieval Times. I wouldn’t want to wish that on anybody. Unless the money was really good.

Did see online a news story that shows that science is becoming more and more useful every day. In what will easily win my award for scientific research of the year, a couple of scientists have discovered a use for kudzu, the vine that has taken over much of the south. Apparently, the kudzu extract heightens the effects of alcohol. The study, which I so wish I was a part of, had people sitting on a couch in a makeshift apartment watching tv and drinking beer. Half the participants got the kudzu, the other half the placebo. Those taking the kudzu drank half as much as the placebo. The scientists state that they are hoping this will provide a method to help reduce binge drinking.

Of course, I’m a little more forward thinking than that. I see this as one of the greatest inventions in the history of mankind. From my viewpoint, this means that I can drink less, save money, still get buzzed, all while reducing the hangover since I ingested less alcohol. It’s the classic hangover cure (just drink less) without any of the nasty social issues. I would like to volunteer to be a part of the first trial of this wonder drug. Sure, it will probably cause me to grow gills but think of the long term benefits.

I do want to know who they got to agree to foot the funding bill for their experiment. Especially the apartment setup. I’ve worked on some experiments in my time and funding meetings are the most serious and hence, boring things that you can ever be a part of. I don’t know how you get through this one with a straight face: “Ok, we want to have people sit around and watch football while we keep track of how much they drink. Can we have five million dollars?” Can I ask for funding to see if hand eye coordination in adults can be improved through the use of a Playstation 2?