It is time to call it a year. For most people this year seems to have been a lost year or at least one of disappointments. It was a year of celebrity deaths (we'll never forget you Billy Mays) and celebrity infidelities (Tiger we hardly knew ye) and overall bad news (double digit unemployment, bad weather, Notre Dame underachieving, et al.) At least Susan Boyle had a good year if becoming famous for looking like someone who should not be famous is the criteria for a good year.
Typically my end of the year post is one of sarcasm and cynicism and at least a little bit of darkness. I never go out on New Year's Eve because it is amateur night and I am now a grizzled professional who is hanging on for one last season in the bigs just so he can claim a pension. That was my typical reason but it was never the real one. I never went out on New Year's because I was alone and there is no worse feeling in the world than to be the only single guy in a room full of happy couples. No number of shots in the world can make that feeling go away. That is why last year I ended up writing this post late at night in my apartment, wearing sweatpants and drinking a beer, and wondering if Chagall and the Frames could make my life worthwhile. How little did I know.
I didn't expect this year to turn out the way it did. I don't even think that if you asked me how this year would turn out I would never had described it in all its glory. This has truly been the most amazing year of my life. Kim and I fell in love, travelled the world and got engaged. She is everything I have ever dreamed of and I feel lucky every day I am with her. I am finally working in a field that I enjoy and where I think I can have a huge impact. Everyone in my family seems to be happy and though I lost my grandmother this year and miss her dearly I know that if there is anyone in this world or the next who is so happy at how my life has turned out it is her. I will never say that this year has been easy but it has been amazing.
So for once I am looking forward to the new year. As always there will be challenges to be met and disappointments to be had because that is just a feature of life. Nothing ever goes quite as well as you would like. But for the first time in, well, ever, I feel that I have everything in place. Now the real fun can begin.
I started the year with this song and I will end it with the same. The Swell Season bookends a wonderful year.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
2009 Resolutions: The Final Scorecard
15th Best Album of the Oughts: Lyle Lovett and his Large Band “It’s Not Big, It’s Large” (2007): I’ve decided to do the albums of the decade as a daily countdown in order to keep the posts from become just a huge pile of YouTube posts. For this entry we are going to go with my favorite release from the incomparable Lyle Lovett from the decade. The fact that most people still know him as the funny looking guy who married Julia Roberts is sad. Others at least know him as a pretty much classic country artist. But it is his work with the Large Band that makes your jaw just drop. I am dropping my hatred of douchebags with video cameras in the front row just so I can post this footage of “I Will Rise Up.” If you don’t get chills by the end you officially do not have a soul.
With the end of the year upon us I’ve decided to take a look back at my New Year’s Resolutions that I posted on January 1st and see how I did. If I am anything it is accountable for my actions.
Resolution #1: Learn how to juggle: I would like to state that on Wii Fit Plus I have achieved three stars in the juggling mini game and that is taking into account that my Mii must stand on top of a large ball in a circus costume while juggling. I would have four stars if it wasn’t for the fact that at a certain point they start throwing bombs at you. Ok, it’s not really juggling but at least a virtual version of myself can juggle three balls at the same time. I consider that to be an accomplishment.
Resolution #2: Get my weight under 190 pounds: As of this evening I weighed 207 pounds soaking wet. Barring a crash diet or the loss of a limb I do not expect to achieve this by the end of the year. I have made some progress as I’m down from the 215 I was at one point and I did have a nice run of constant workouts going for a few months. I’ve lost all that momentum though and have gotten soft and flabby again. This will be a big focus of mine in the new year as I have to be the best looking groom ever.
Resolution #3: Learn how to actually cook: Kind of mixed results on this one. I still do more heating than cooking but I have gotten a lot more adventurous in that regard. I cook up fish and shrimp a lot more and am getting much more comfortable with the fact that cooking with detailed directions and a stop watch is not the proper way to cook. I really want to experiment more with cooking in the new year and, you know, use actual ingredients in making a dish as opposed to whatever comes out of the bag.
Resolution #4: Increase blog readership: My lofty goal at the start of the year was to have 50 people read the blog in one day. Well, on my best day I just missed getting 100 people so I have to say that was a success. Sadly, I’ve lost a bit of that momentum though I can still have a good 30+ hit day every week or so. I’m not too upset about that as now that my adventures in the dating realm are over I am working on what the main topic of the blog is going to be. I think I’ll be settling on a new tone soon and will make that next charge at blog superstardom. Until then I will just have to be happy with my Norwegian fan base.
Resolution #5: Focus on the positive in my life: I’m pretty sure that I’ve accomplished this one. I certainly feel happier and more positive though that is at least in part because my life is going so well at the moment. Whether one led to the other or the other way around is a matter of argument though. At the end of the day I just can’t say that I am as much of a cynical bastard as I used to be. Sure I’m still sarcastic as hell but I am just a lot happier with life and more confident with what I have around me. Quite a change from a year ago.
Resolution #6: Get back into the concert going scene: Complete failure here. I did not go to a single concert all year. I did not even see Wilco when they played within walking distance of my apartment. Even from a purchasing point of view I took most of the year off from music. It’s not that I don’t love music anymore, obviously it is one of the biggest aspects of my life. It’s just that age may have finally caught up to me. Driving an hour on a weeknight to see a band that I haven’t heard of just to be tired at the office all day isn’t as much fun as it used to be. At least in KC all of the shows were close (and my job was less demanding or at least people paid less attention to my alertness in my cubicle). I’m kind of sad about this one but it is just how life goes.
Resolution #7: Complete the Best of the Blog: This one still hasn’t gotten off the ground and my novel is still floating around partially written on a few laptops. Basically the idea of the Best of the Blog (a compilation of my best blog posts) is great but has two slight problems in that a) I have to dig through 1,300+ posts to figure out which were actually good and b) even the good ones could use a rewrite. I still have one big writing project that will end up with a bound book in me. I’m just not sure when that will appear.
Resolution #8: Reader’s Choice: Thanks to long time reader Dennis this one turned into “Take a yoga class”. Now I technically did not take a yoga class though I did find one nearby. However, thanks to Wii Fit I became well aware of yoga and did perform the poses on a daily basis. True, most yoga classes are not focused on keeping your center of balance within the yellow circle but I found it to be relaxing and stimulating. Yoga is now part of my fitness routine. Not bad at all.
Resolution #9: Take a real vacation: Kim and I went to Iceland. Never in my life did I ever expect to be sitting in a geothermal spa in Iceland. Nor did I ever expect to find myself looking at a menu that had both puffin and whale as featured proteins. Can’t get more real than that.
Resolution #10: Meet the woman of my dreams, fall in love and get married: Smiles. Well, I’ve completed the first two parts and am well on my way on the third. I certainly didn’t see this coming when I wrote the resolution but hey, that is why you have resolutions in the first place.
I’ll write up the 2010 resolutions next week. Let’s see what I can accomplish in the new year.
With the end of the year upon us I’ve decided to take a look back at my New Year’s Resolutions that I posted on January 1st and see how I did. If I am anything it is accountable for my actions.
Resolution #1: Learn how to juggle: I would like to state that on Wii Fit Plus I have achieved three stars in the juggling mini game and that is taking into account that my Mii must stand on top of a large ball in a circus costume while juggling. I would have four stars if it wasn’t for the fact that at a certain point they start throwing bombs at you. Ok, it’s not really juggling but at least a virtual version of myself can juggle three balls at the same time. I consider that to be an accomplishment.
Resolution #2: Get my weight under 190 pounds: As of this evening I weighed 207 pounds soaking wet. Barring a crash diet or the loss of a limb I do not expect to achieve this by the end of the year. I have made some progress as I’m down from the 215 I was at one point and I did have a nice run of constant workouts going for a few months. I’ve lost all that momentum though and have gotten soft and flabby again. This will be a big focus of mine in the new year as I have to be the best looking groom ever.
Resolution #3: Learn how to actually cook: Kind of mixed results on this one. I still do more heating than cooking but I have gotten a lot more adventurous in that regard. I cook up fish and shrimp a lot more and am getting much more comfortable with the fact that cooking with detailed directions and a stop watch is not the proper way to cook. I really want to experiment more with cooking in the new year and, you know, use actual ingredients in making a dish as opposed to whatever comes out of the bag.
Resolution #4: Increase blog readership: My lofty goal at the start of the year was to have 50 people read the blog in one day. Well, on my best day I just missed getting 100 people so I have to say that was a success. Sadly, I’ve lost a bit of that momentum though I can still have a good 30+ hit day every week or so. I’m not too upset about that as now that my adventures in the dating realm are over I am working on what the main topic of the blog is going to be. I think I’ll be settling on a new tone soon and will make that next charge at blog superstardom. Until then I will just have to be happy with my Norwegian fan base.
Resolution #5: Focus on the positive in my life: I’m pretty sure that I’ve accomplished this one. I certainly feel happier and more positive though that is at least in part because my life is going so well at the moment. Whether one led to the other or the other way around is a matter of argument though. At the end of the day I just can’t say that I am as much of a cynical bastard as I used to be. Sure I’m still sarcastic as hell but I am just a lot happier with life and more confident with what I have around me. Quite a change from a year ago.
Resolution #6: Get back into the concert going scene: Complete failure here. I did not go to a single concert all year. I did not even see Wilco when they played within walking distance of my apartment. Even from a purchasing point of view I took most of the year off from music. It’s not that I don’t love music anymore, obviously it is one of the biggest aspects of my life. It’s just that age may have finally caught up to me. Driving an hour on a weeknight to see a band that I haven’t heard of just to be tired at the office all day isn’t as much fun as it used to be. At least in KC all of the shows were close (and my job was less demanding or at least people paid less attention to my alertness in my cubicle). I’m kind of sad about this one but it is just how life goes.
Resolution #7: Complete the Best of the Blog: This one still hasn’t gotten off the ground and my novel is still floating around partially written on a few laptops. Basically the idea of the Best of the Blog (a compilation of my best blog posts) is great but has two slight problems in that a) I have to dig through 1,300+ posts to figure out which were actually good and b) even the good ones could use a rewrite. I still have one big writing project that will end up with a bound book in me. I’m just not sure when that will appear.
Resolution #8: Reader’s Choice: Thanks to long time reader Dennis this one turned into “Take a yoga class”. Now I technically did not take a yoga class though I did find one nearby. However, thanks to Wii Fit I became well aware of yoga and did perform the poses on a daily basis. True, most yoga classes are not focused on keeping your center of balance within the yellow circle but I found it to be relaxing and stimulating. Yoga is now part of my fitness routine. Not bad at all.
Resolution #9: Take a real vacation: Kim and I went to Iceland. Never in my life did I ever expect to be sitting in a geothermal spa in Iceland. Nor did I ever expect to find myself looking at a menu that had both puffin and whale as featured proteins. Can’t get more real than that.
Resolution #10: Meet the woman of my dreams, fall in love and get married: Smiles. Well, I’ve completed the first two parts and am well on my way on the third. I certainly didn’t see this coming when I wrote the resolution but hey, that is why you have resolutions in the first place.
I’ll write up the 2010 resolutions next week. Let’s see what I can accomplish in the new year.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
The Oughts: The near greats
Continuing with my look back at a decade that for the most part we all would rather forget ever happened I will now spend my time on the subject that touches me most dearly: music. Over the next few days I will reveal my top 15 albums of the decade (because I just can’t bring myself to narrow the list down to ten.) To start however I will focus on a few that did not make the cut for one reason or another but deserve a special mention.
Chris Mills “Kiss It Goodbye” (2000): I guess if we have to call this the decade of anything we will have to call it the decade of emo, which is rather sad mainly for fashion purposes. Someone needs to tell teenage boys that having uneven bangs that fall into your face and wearing makeup doesn’t look nearly as cool a decade later as all of my friends who were really into the Cure had to discover. But the idea of emo, that style of emotionally raw songwriting, isn’t bad at all. It is just a bit too much teenage angst. Chris Mills isn’t emo but I never saw anyone perform lyrics that were so raw. No one wrote about screwing up relationships and being a complete fuck up quite like Chris Mills and outside of Chicago no one ever heard of him, which is an utter shame.
Neko Case “Blacklisted” (2003): If I had to name a female artist of the decade it would be Neko Case. She would probably be my artist of the decade as well because I can’t think of anyone else who was so consistently brilliant and who grew as an artist over that time. But for some reason none of her solo stuff made my top 15 though they would probably be 16-20. Her discs always seem a little incomplete though I love them and listen to them constantly. It’s also nice to know that Neko has gained popularity without selling out who she is. Here is one of my favorites of her.
The Ditty Bops “The Ditty Bops” (2004): This is still the most unlikely duo I came across in music this decade. Not only is this the only band I have ever seen that features a former fashion model but their musical style can only be described as part country, part girl group, part vaudeville and part circus sideshow. I’ve seen them perform dressed as characters from the Wizard of Oz, in clothing made from plastic bags from Target and with a guy on stilts behind them. Listening to their music forces you to smile. Oh, and perform a cross country tour by going from city to city on bicycle. Abby and Amanda are the coolest people ever.
Fleet Foxes “Fleet Foxes” (2008): This is my choice for video of the decade. Bar none. Forget the dancing on treadmills. This is pure brilliance. Also, Fleet Foxes epitomize the nice trend of bands trying to do everything possible to sound as though they are not in the 21st century. They sound like they are from 17th century England and that is a great thing. Dark, mysterious and totally awesome.
Tift Merritt “Another Country” (2008): Sometimes music just hits you at the right time. 2008 started with me in the emergency room and quitting my job, two events that were not really unrelated. I was pretty much lost in life when I picked up Tift’s latest which was entirely about her being lost in life and having to go to Paris to find herself. I had to go to Delaware but I can’t complain about where that took me. This album, and this song in particular, pulled me through a hell of a lot that year.
Chris Mills “Kiss It Goodbye” (2000): I guess if we have to call this the decade of anything we will have to call it the decade of emo, which is rather sad mainly for fashion purposes. Someone needs to tell teenage boys that having uneven bangs that fall into your face and wearing makeup doesn’t look nearly as cool a decade later as all of my friends who were really into the Cure had to discover. But the idea of emo, that style of emotionally raw songwriting, isn’t bad at all. It is just a bit too much teenage angst. Chris Mills isn’t emo but I never saw anyone perform lyrics that were so raw. No one wrote about screwing up relationships and being a complete fuck up quite like Chris Mills and outside of Chicago no one ever heard of him, which is an utter shame.
Neko Case “Blacklisted” (2003): If I had to name a female artist of the decade it would be Neko Case. She would probably be my artist of the decade as well because I can’t think of anyone else who was so consistently brilliant and who grew as an artist over that time. But for some reason none of her solo stuff made my top 15 though they would probably be 16-20. Her discs always seem a little incomplete though I love them and listen to them constantly. It’s also nice to know that Neko has gained popularity without selling out who she is. Here is one of my favorites of her.
The Ditty Bops “The Ditty Bops” (2004): This is still the most unlikely duo I came across in music this decade. Not only is this the only band I have ever seen that features a former fashion model but their musical style can only be described as part country, part girl group, part vaudeville and part circus sideshow. I’ve seen them perform dressed as characters from the Wizard of Oz, in clothing made from plastic bags from Target and with a guy on stilts behind them. Listening to their music forces you to smile. Oh, and perform a cross country tour by going from city to city on bicycle. Abby and Amanda are the coolest people ever.
Fleet Foxes “Fleet Foxes” (2008): This is my choice for video of the decade. Bar none. Forget the dancing on treadmills. This is pure brilliance. Also, Fleet Foxes epitomize the nice trend of bands trying to do everything possible to sound as though they are not in the 21st century. They sound like they are from 17th century England and that is a great thing. Dark, mysterious and totally awesome.
Tift Merritt “Another Country” (2008): Sometimes music just hits you at the right time. 2008 started with me in the emergency room and quitting my job, two events that were not really unrelated. I was pretty much lost in life when I picked up Tift’s latest which was entirely about her being lost in life and having to go to Paris to find herself. I had to go to Delaware but I can’t complain about where that took me. This album, and this song in particular, pulled me through a hell of a lot that year.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Season's Greetings
Well, tis the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring except for a couple of mice, which indicate a much larger rodent infestation problem that should be addressed prior to inviting people over to celebrate the holidays. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care (except if you live in a residency that does not have a fireplace in which case you might as well just wallow in the sad state of your existence or rent a chimney for the night)with the hope that St. Nicholas would soon be there. (I wonder if Santa ever gets pissed off at always having to work on Christmas Eve.)
Yes, it is the night before the big day and I hope everyone is gathering with their loved ones or the nearest approximation of loved ones. Look, no matter how cynical I actually am, and trust me you haven't even seen the level of cynicism I am capable of, this really is a special time of year. What else can make people travel in horrible weather, risk getting stranded at airports, brave crowds at shopping malls just to spend a day celebrating with the ones they love. It is really a sign of all that is right in the world.
Typically I use this night before Christmas post as my place to ask that Santa bring me a fire truck. Every year I ask for a fire truck and I never get one because apparently the obese guy who really needs to start using Wii Fit has decided that my behavior has not been appropriately "good" for one even though I have never been provided with any metrics regarding good or bad behavior. Where is more scorecard and waterfall charts I ask you? Where is the evidence? No, some random guy who lives at the North Pole and runs an illegal sweatshop using forced labor has decided that I do not deserve a fire truck with extendable ladder and working lights and sirens. That is what I have asked for every year.
But this year I'm not. Last week I got my Christmas present. Kim and I are engaged. It still feels weird to write that but I am smiling while doing it. This blog has really been a document of my life to reach this moment and I don't know if I ever truly believed that it would happen. But it has and I am happier than ever. I hope everyone out there has the same feeling that I have tonight. It would make the world a much happier place.
Merry Christmas everyone. Even you, Tiny Tim.
Yes, it is the night before the big day and I hope everyone is gathering with their loved ones or the nearest approximation of loved ones. Look, no matter how cynical I actually am, and trust me you haven't even seen the level of cynicism I am capable of, this really is a special time of year. What else can make people travel in horrible weather, risk getting stranded at airports, brave crowds at shopping malls just to spend a day celebrating with the ones they love. It is really a sign of all that is right in the world.
Typically I use this night before Christmas post as my place to ask that Santa bring me a fire truck. Every year I ask for a fire truck and I never get one because apparently the obese guy who really needs to start using Wii Fit has decided that my behavior has not been appropriately "good" for one even though I have never been provided with any metrics regarding good or bad behavior. Where is more scorecard and waterfall charts I ask you? Where is the evidence? No, some random guy who lives at the North Pole and runs an illegal sweatshop using forced labor has decided that I do not deserve a fire truck with extendable ladder and working lights and sirens. That is what I have asked for every year.
But this year I'm not. Last week I got my Christmas present. Kim and I are engaged. It still feels weird to write that but I am smiling while doing it. This blog has really been a document of my life to reach this moment and I don't know if I ever truly believed that it would happen. But it has and I am happier than ever. I hope everyone out there has the same feeling that I have tonight. It would make the world a much happier place.
Merry Christmas everyone. Even you, Tiny Tim.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Fairytale of New York
It is another late night and I have spent most of the night celebrating Christmas so I figured that this would be the best way to have a short post. Nothing says Christmas quite like the Pogues. Much longer post tomorrow as I do have much to discuss. Just think it will make more sense if I am not falling asleep while writing it.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Random acts of randomness
Time for another in my series of “posts that are made up of a bunch of random topics as I am too tired for cohesive thoughts and I should be in bed by now anyway.” Everyone’s favorite, I know.
Point #1: I think we can all say that we mark the passing of Brittany Murphy with sadness as no one should die at 32. It is also sad that we are all pretty much correct in our assumptions that drugs were somehow involved given the small pharmacy that was found in her bathroom as well as her recent history in addition to the fact that 32 year olds tend not to die of natural causes. What struck me most of all about the coverage was the fact that she was always referred to as “the star of Clueless.” Two points on that. 1) She wasn’t the star, that was Alicia Silverstone. 2) That movie came out in 1995. It is rather telling when the first mention on your resume is the film you costarred in nearly fifteen years ago. The second mention was typically 8 Mile and that came out around six years ago. All of this means is that this is the tragic death of someone young who used to be famous, which might make the whole thing even sadder.
Point #2: The top name for baby boys for both the year and the decade was Aiden with Jacob and Jayden also making the top five. For the record I can recall no Aidens or Jaydens at any point in my entire life though there were a handful of Jacobs. Jackson was also a popular name this year most certainly due to Michael Jackson dying. Hey, I just point out the connections I can’t say that they make any sense.
Point #3: Emma is the top girls name for the decade (though Isabella was top for the year.) Madison also made the top five for the decade continuing the recent tradition of naming girls in such a manner that they will not have to change their name when they become a stripper. Parents I am telling you that before you name your daughter ask yourself could you hear the next sentence “Gentlemen, put your hands together for our next performer on the main stage…!” I assure you that you will then name your daughter Gladys.
Point #4: For the record, Christopher came in 30th for the decade just ahead of Gavin. I feel sorry for all the kids named Gavin. It’s tough to go through life knowing that no one in the history of the planet has been successful with your name.
Point #5: I think it is time to have some egg nog and call it a night. Question though, why don’t we drink egg nog all year round? Or settle for a nice fruitcake in July?
Point #1: I think we can all say that we mark the passing of Brittany Murphy with sadness as no one should die at 32. It is also sad that we are all pretty much correct in our assumptions that drugs were somehow involved given the small pharmacy that was found in her bathroom as well as her recent history in addition to the fact that 32 year olds tend not to die of natural causes. What struck me most of all about the coverage was the fact that she was always referred to as “the star of Clueless.” Two points on that. 1) She wasn’t the star, that was Alicia Silverstone. 2) That movie came out in 1995. It is rather telling when the first mention on your resume is the film you costarred in nearly fifteen years ago. The second mention was typically 8 Mile and that came out around six years ago. All of this means is that this is the tragic death of someone young who used to be famous, which might make the whole thing even sadder.
Point #2: The top name for baby boys for both the year and the decade was Aiden with Jacob and Jayden also making the top five. For the record I can recall no Aidens or Jaydens at any point in my entire life though there were a handful of Jacobs. Jackson was also a popular name this year most certainly due to Michael Jackson dying. Hey, I just point out the connections I can’t say that they make any sense.
Point #3: Emma is the top girls name for the decade (though Isabella was top for the year.) Madison also made the top five for the decade continuing the recent tradition of naming girls in such a manner that they will not have to change their name when they become a stripper. Parents I am telling you that before you name your daughter ask yourself could you hear the next sentence “Gentlemen, put your hands together for our next performer on the main stage…
Point #4: For the record, Christopher came in 30th for the decade just ahead of Gavin. I feel sorry for all the kids named Gavin. It’s tough to go through life knowing that no one in the history of the planet has been successful with your name.
Point #5: I think it is time to have some egg nog and call it a night. Question though, why don’t we drink egg nog all year round? Or settle for a nice fruitcake in July?
Monday, December 21, 2009
One ring to rule them all
Obviously I didn’t post last night. Officially I was stuck in the East Coast travel nightmare caused by the weekend blizzard. A storm that I missed because I was out of town, which kind of sucks because I love watching it snow, except that it was for the best reason possible and being in the sun with the woman you love makes having to reschedule flights all the more worthwhile. Because I know that people are going to be asking I will write up some of the engagement stories over the next few nights. Tonight I’ll start with buying the ring.
Now I have to say up front that Kim and I decided months ago that we were going to be getting engaged. When we were in San Antonio at a bar and people talked to us we always had the same conversation.
“Are you two married?”
“No.”
“Engaged?”
“Kind of.”
Basically we knew that we were going to be getting engaged but didn’t know when or where and more importantly I hadn’t bought a ring. Mainly because I had no clue how you were supposed to buy a ring in such a circumstance.
Ok, I understood the concept of going to a jewelry store and buying a ring. I’ve bought other things from such stores before so I figured that this wouldn’t be a completely foreign process. But how do you find out someone’s ring size? Cutting off her finger seemed to be rather impractical and stealing one of her existing rings would raise the question of whether or not I was pawning it in order to pay for her engagement ring. But those are easy questions compared to the question of what type of ring would she like?
Because let’s face it I do not rank very high in terms of taste metrics. I am someone who has been known to where twenty year old t-shirts because I considered them to be lucky. Kim going through my closets resulted in five bags of clothes being donated to charity and two bags of clothes thrown out because they weren’t even fit for the homeless to wear. An engagement ring is not the sort of purchase you entrust with me. After some initial discussions with Kim’s best friend Stephanie we finally came to the conclusion that Kim and I would go and purchase the ring together. Since we already knew that we were getting engaged we figured it would be best to get the ring that we wanted as opposed to having it turn out to be a well intentioned but very bad surprise.
Kim and Stephanie did the ground work so by the time I got involved my job was basically to just show up, approve and purchase. When Kim picked me up to go to the jewelry store I tried to put up a calm face but was clearly freaking out inside as my attempt at conversation consisted of a thesis that I was proposing that one could create an analogy between Bon Jovi fans vs. Pearl Jam fans and Glenn Beck fans vs. Jon Stewart fans (a theory that while convoluted I still hold will stand up to further inquiry.) However, this is clearly not the most romantic sentiment in the world and Kim quickly figured out that I was going out of my mind. Which I felt was perfectly normal as this was going to be the biggest purchase of my life and I had no idea what form it would take.
Actually, it was the easiest process in the world. Mainly because we were offered champagne as soon as we sat down. I think that should become standard for all transactions. Shopping at Wal-Mart would be much easier if I was allowed to be hammered. Kim had picked out some amazing bands and stones and we quickly decided on the one that we wanted. It wasn’t one that I would have originally thought of but it looked absolutely stunning and we were just thrilled by it. I left there knowing that in a few days the ring would be waiting for me at my apartment to give to her, which just left one simple question: what in the world was I going to do knowing that this ring was just sitting at my apartment until I gave it to her? And how in the world was I going to give it to her? And that my friends, is a story for another night.
I’ll end with a romantic song though, because I am in that kind of mood. One of the best videos of the decade as well.
Now I have to say up front that Kim and I decided months ago that we were going to be getting engaged. When we were in San Antonio at a bar and people talked to us we always had the same conversation.
“Are you two married?”
“No.”
“Engaged?”
“Kind of.”
Basically we knew that we were going to be getting engaged but didn’t know when or where and more importantly I hadn’t bought a ring. Mainly because I had no clue how you were supposed to buy a ring in such a circumstance.
Ok, I understood the concept of going to a jewelry store and buying a ring. I’ve bought other things from such stores before so I figured that this wouldn’t be a completely foreign process. But how do you find out someone’s ring size? Cutting off her finger seemed to be rather impractical and stealing one of her existing rings would raise the question of whether or not I was pawning it in order to pay for her engagement ring. But those are easy questions compared to the question of what type of ring would she like?
Because let’s face it I do not rank very high in terms of taste metrics. I am someone who has been known to where twenty year old t-shirts because I considered them to be lucky. Kim going through my closets resulted in five bags of clothes being donated to charity and two bags of clothes thrown out because they weren’t even fit for the homeless to wear. An engagement ring is not the sort of purchase you entrust with me. After some initial discussions with Kim’s best friend Stephanie we finally came to the conclusion that Kim and I would go and purchase the ring together. Since we already knew that we were getting engaged we figured it would be best to get the ring that we wanted as opposed to having it turn out to be a well intentioned but very bad surprise.
Kim and Stephanie did the ground work so by the time I got involved my job was basically to just show up, approve and purchase. When Kim picked me up to go to the jewelry store I tried to put up a calm face but was clearly freaking out inside as my attempt at conversation consisted of a thesis that I was proposing that one could create an analogy between Bon Jovi fans vs. Pearl Jam fans and Glenn Beck fans vs. Jon Stewart fans (a theory that while convoluted I still hold will stand up to further inquiry.) However, this is clearly not the most romantic sentiment in the world and Kim quickly figured out that I was going out of my mind. Which I felt was perfectly normal as this was going to be the biggest purchase of my life and I had no idea what form it would take.
Actually, it was the easiest process in the world. Mainly because we were offered champagne as soon as we sat down. I think that should become standard for all transactions. Shopping at Wal-Mart would be much easier if I was allowed to be hammered. Kim had picked out some amazing bands and stones and we quickly decided on the one that we wanted. It wasn’t one that I would have originally thought of but it looked absolutely stunning and we were just thrilled by it. I left there knowing that in a few days the ring would be waiting for me at my apartment to give to her, which just left one simple question: what in the world was I going to do knowing that this ring was just sitting at my apartment until I gave it to her? And how in the world was I going to give it to her? And that my friends, is a story for another night.
I’ll end with a romantic song though, because I am in that kind of mood. One of the best videos of the decade as well.
Friday, December 18, 2009
Dream the impossible dream
It is strange to think how seldom we try to accomplish our dreams. We all can list what we want to be, or what we wanted to be when we were kids, but when we look at ourselves in the mirror we have to admit that we haven’t done a tenth of what was necessary to make them come true. I’m not even talking about my dream of being a power forward in the NBA, a dream that died when I found out I was only going to be 6’ 1” and uncoordinated to the point that I injure myself going up a flight of stairs. I’m talking about those ideas that float into our heads and make you think “Wow, wouldn’t that just make life perfect?”
Seven years ago I saw Kim sitting across from me in class and I thought that exact thought. Wouldn’t being with her make my life perfect?
That is how it all began. We had the same courses in business school and I sat in the front row, right side, first seat from the center aisle, in what could only be called the brown nose position. Kim sat in the second row, left side, six seats from the center aisle in the cool kids position. If I looked at the clock I could look at her as well. I spent a lot of time looking at the clock that year.
From pretty much the moment I met her I fell head over heels for her. Not only was she beautiful but she was also incredibly smart, funny, well read, caring and loved college football more than anything in life. She was someone I could discuss Shakespeare with as well the career progression of O. J. McDuffie. And we did have those conversations; this wasn’t entirely a case of courtly love and romantic pining from my end. Ok, there was a lot of that but I did legitimately try. But even I could see that the timing wasn’t right and decided to not ruin a friendship by forcing a relationship where none existed. In retrospect that was one of the smartest things I had ever done.
We graduated and moved away, staying in touch in the way people did before Facebook. Some emails, an occasional meeting when we found ourselves in the same town, but nothing out of the ordinary. Years passed. I lived in Kansas City and had my adventures in dating all of which ending comically badly. Through all my years there and all my late nights at the bars I would always come home and look at my fridge where amongst all the pictures I had some of Kim and myself at graduation and wonder, “what if?”
Last fall after moving to Delaware Kim got in touch with me with news I had never anticipated. She had been diagnosed with kidney cancer. And not the nice kind of kidney cancer either. The kind where your life expectancy is typically measured in months. But due to her stubbornness and some incredible doctors the cancer was caught in time, she had half her kidney removed and she was as fine as she could be and I thank God every day for that fact and want that to never change. And as she sat there recovering from her surgery she looked through her phone address book wondering who would care about what she had just gone through. And she chose me.
We spent the fall talking on the phone getting to know each other again. Within a month or two we agreed to go to New Orleans together. That trip turned into our first date (Valentine’s Day in the French Quarter is a wonderful way to start a relationship.) Within a month we were officially boyfriend and girlfriend. Not long after that we knew that this is what we were looking for our entire lives. We had found the person who would care unconditionally and love always. Every day and every moment has been a blessing.
Sometimes you just have to have the courage to tilt with windmills.
Seven years ago I met the woman of my dreams. Tonight I asked her to marry me. And she said yes.
Seven years ago I saw Kim sitting across from me in class and I thought that exact thought. Wouldn’t being with her make my life perfect?
That is how it all began. We had the same courses in business school and I sat in the front row, right side, first seat from the center aisle, in what could only be called the brown nose position. Kim sat in the second row, left side, six seats from the center aisle in the cool kids position. If I looked at the clock I could look at her as well. I spent a lot of time looking at the clock that year.
From pretty much the moment I met her I fell head over heels for her. Not only was she beautiful but she was also incredibly smart, funny, well read, caring and loved college football more than anything in life. She was someone I could discuss Shakespeare with as well the career progression of O. J. McDuffie. And we did have those conversations; this wasn’t entirely a case of courtly love and romantic pining from my end. Ok, there was a lot of that but I did legitimately try. But even I could see that the timing wasn’t right and decided to not ruin a friendship by forcing a relationship where none existed. In retrospect that was one of the smartest things I had ever done.
We graduated and moved away, staying in touch in the way people did before Facebook. Some emails, an occasional meeting when we found ourselves in the same town, but nothing out of the ordinary. Years passed. I lived in Kansas City and had my adventures in dating all of which ending comically badly. Through all my years there and all my late nights at the bars I would always come home and look at my fridge where amongst all the pictures I had some of Kim and myself at graduation and wonder, “what if?”
Last fall after moving to Delaware Kim got in touch with me with news I had never anticipated. She had been diagnosed with kidney cancer. And not the nice kind of kidney cancer either. The kind where your life expectancy is typically measured in months. But due to her stubbornness and some incredible doctors the cancer was caught in time, she had half her kidney removed and she was as fine as she could be and I thank God every day for that fact and want that to never change. And as she sat there recovering from her surgery she looked through her phone address book wondering who would care about what she had just gone through. And she chose me.
We spent the fall talking on the phone getting to know each other again. Within a month or two we agreed to go to New Orleans together. That trip turned into our first date (Valentine’s Day in the French Quarter is a wonderful way to start a relationship.) Within a month we were officially boyfriend and girlfriend. Not long after that we knew that this is what we were looking for our entire lives. We had found the person who would care unconditionally and love always. Every day and every moment has been a blessing.
Sometimes you just have to have the courage to tilt with windmills.
Seven years ago I met the woman of my dreams. Tonight I asked her to marry me. And she said yes.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
The Oughts: The lesser accomplishments
The Tiger Woods vs. Roger Federer argument for athlete of the decade is really a rather difficult decision. Roger has more majors but Tiger has more player of the year awards. You also have the difference in the two sports as Tiger needs to beat the field while Federer just needs to beat whoever he is playing that day. But I thought about this today and came up with the following hypothetical: If Venus or Serena Williams had the exact same career this decade as Federer would we name her athlete of the decade? I really think the answer would be yes. That degree of dominance of being the top player and winning a career slam and a gold medal in doubles along with their public persona would put her over the top. Federer’s accomplishments are lessened because a) he is a dirty foreigner and b) his only endorsement deal are those rather lame Gillette Fusion ads.
As I am getting into the best of the decade mode I thought that I should bring up some of the lesser awards tonight before I get into the deeper stuff over the next two weeks
Pro Wrestler of the Decade: Tough one as I am going to try not to name someone who died (Eddie Gurrerro), became a shell of his former self (Kurt Angle) or killed his wife and son (Chris Benoit). Those guys would be three of my top choices otherwise. As much as I hate this I am going to have to go with John Cena. I can’t stand the superhero character but he is the one person this decade who made a name for himself, moved a ton of merchandise, put butts in the seats and put on a good match night after night. His matches aren’t technical masterpieces but they are always good and that is better than most people out there in the business.
Game Show of the Decade: Deal or No Deal. You have to appreciate any show where all you have to do to be successful is correctly say random numbers. Also the show is a wonderful example of how people view expected value propositions or, to put it more accurately, how normal people don’t understand probability. The return of Howie Mandel to mainstream popularity without having to blow a glove over his head is a bonus.
Regrettable Culture Trend of the Decade: Remaking every single show from my youth. GI Joe, Transformers, Speed Racer, Land of the Lost, Planet of the Apes, Get Smart and three dozen more if I wanted to sit around and list them all. All of them made me go “Dude, that is going to be so awesome” when I heard them announced. They all turned out so badly that I never even bothered to watch them on DVD. It’s nice to know that Hollywood has strip mined my childhood memories.
Positive Culture Trend of the Decade: Every old series is now on DVD. I helped a woman at Barnes and Noble yesterday find a copy of “The Adventures of Pete and Pete” on DVD. Now I have no idea why her son wanted a collection of episodes from an early 90’s Nickelodeon series but the sheer fact that one can purchase that show, or a season of Wings, or best of all every episode of Emergency makes me feel like we are now living in a wonderland.
Most Unexpected Existence in the Pop Culture Mainstream: Justin Timberlake. Let’s put it this way is there anyone else from a 90’s boy band that has any type of culture cred at the moment? Heck, even the female artists from that bubble gum era are nothing more than tabloid fodder at the moment. Justin has turned himself into a comic actor who makes his appearances on Saturday Night Live the only reason that show is ever worth watching. The guy overcame all of the fallout from the Super Bowl unharmed. I never would have thought that possible from the guy who at one point was known only as Brittney Spears’ boyfriend.
As I am getting into the best of the decade mode I thought that I should bring up some of the lesser awards tonight before I get into the deeper stuff over the next two weeks
Pro Wrestler of the Decade: Tough one as I am going to try not to name someone who died (Eddie Gurrerro), became a shell of his former self (Kurt Angle) or killed his wife and son (Chris Benoit). Those guys would be three of my top choices otherwise. As much as I hate this I am going to have to go with John Cena. I can’t stand the superhero character but he is the one person this decade who made a name for himself, moved a ton of merchandise, put butts in the seats and put on a good match night after night. His matches aren’t technical masterpieces but they are always good and that is better than most people out there in the business.
Game Show of the Decade: Deal or No Deal. You have to appreciate any show where all you have to do to be successful is correctly say random numbers. Also the show is a wonderful example of how people view expected value propositions or, to put it more accurately, how normal people don’t understand probability. The return of Howie Mandel to mainstream popularity without having to blow a glove over his head is a bonus.
Regrettable Culture Trend of the Decade: Remaking every single show from my youth. GI Joe, Transformers, Speed Racer, Land of the Lost, Planet of the Apes, Get Smart and three dozen more if I wanted to sit around and list them all. All of them made me go “Dude, that is going to be so awesome” when I heard them announced. They all turned out so badly that I never even bothered to watch them on DVD. It’s nice to know that Hollywood has strip mined my childhood memories.
Positive Culture Trend of the Decade: Every old series is now on DVD. I helped a woman at Barnes and Noble yesterday find a copy of “The Adventures of Pete and Pete” on DVD. Now I have no idea why her son wanted a collection of episodes from an early 90’s Nickelodeon series but the sheer fact that one can purchase that show, or a season of Wings, or best of all every episode of Emergency makes me feel like we are now living in a wonderland.
Most Unexpected Existence in the Pop Culture Mainstream: Justin Timberlake. Let’s put it this way is there anyone else from a 90’s boy band that has any type of culture cred at the moment? Heck, even the female artists from that bubble gum era are nothing more than tabloid fodder at the moment. Justin has turned himself into a comic actor who makes his appearances on Saturday Night Live the only reason that show is ever worth watching. The guy overcame all of the fallout from the Super Bowl unharmed. I never would have thought that possible from the guy who at one point was known only as Brittney Spears’ boyfriend.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
The Oughts: A look back in anger
On the comments from the last post, obviously I have heard the song “I Can See Clearly Now.” I think everyone has heard the song. The thing is if you asked me who sang it I would have drawn a complete blank and I think that would be true for most people. Now if you asked me who Jimmy Cliff is I would say things like “the father of reggae” and “the harder they come” and would support him in the hall. I just found it odd that I couldn’t make a connection between the man and his music.
On ABBA the point that Klosterman makes and that I did a poor job in summarizing is that ABBA is a genre unto themselves. In that you don’t say “Mamma Mia is filled with ABBA songs” you say “Mamma Mia is filled with ABBA Music.” There is a difference between the two. Yes, there are bands like Ace of Base that try to make the same point musically but they just aren’t the same. The best example Klosterman could give is the Grateful Dead where no matter how many jam bands you see they a) aren’t the Dead and b) really can’t match up to them no matter what they try.
Oh and if you want to get a sense of who will be inducted into the Hall twenty years from now just look at who Billboard has named the group of the decade: Nickelback. Yes, the band that gives douchebags a bad name. Brittney Spears was also named one of the top artists of the decade as were the Black Eyed Peas and Creed. It was a sad decade to be a music fan at least of albums that sold.
(That is not entirely true though. Next week I will do my albums of the decade and several match up with what Billboard and Paste have listed. They might not all be bestsellers but they are great listens.)
I’ll end with some more Best of the Decade notes as Tiger Woods was named athlete of the decade. His interactions with porn stars aside I’m pretty sure that this is a safe bet as the proper choice. He was the top golfer year in and year out for the entire decade and no one ever really challenged his position as the best. The other arguments that I have heard are for Roger Federer (amazing performance made slightly less so because no one watches tennis), Lance Armstrong (inspirational cyclist who may or may not be chemically enhanced) and Michael Phelps (though being the best swimmer may also be defined as being the best at avoiding drowning.) That would really be your top of the class. There is no Jordan equivalent this decade in terms of top athlete in a main sport who rewrote the entire nature of the sport. You can hate his personal life but Tiger was the best athlete of the decade.
Best videos of the decade: I know this is a video made up of movie clips but we really need to give a big shout out to O Brother Where Art Thou? It really did bring back an interest in old timey country music. True, the charts are still filled with Carrie Underwood songs but for a moment at least country music actually topped the country charts.
On ABBA the point that Klosterman makes and that I did a poor job in summarizing is that ABBA is a genre unto themselves. In that you don’t say “Mamma Mia is filled with ABBA songs” you say “Mamma Mia is filled with ABBA Music.” There is a difference between the two. Yes, there are bands like Ace of Base that try to make the same point musically but they just aren’t the same. The best example Klosterman could give is the Grateful Dead where no matter how many jam bands you see they a) aren’t the Dead and b) really can’t match up to them no matter what they try.
Oh and if you want to get a sense of who will be inducted into the Hall twenty years from now just look at who Billboard has named the group of the decade: Nickelback. Yes, the band that gives douchebags a bad name. Brittney Spears was also named one of the top artists of the decade as were the Black Eyed Peas and Creed. It was a sad decade to be a music fan at least of albums that sold.
(That is not entirely true though. Next week I will do my albums of the decade and several match up with what Billboard and Paste have listed. They might not all be bestsellers but they are great listens.)
I’ll end with some more Best of the Decade notes as Tiger Woods was named athlete of the decade. His interactions with porn stars aside I’m pretty sure that this is a safe bet as the proper choice. He was the top golfer year in and year out for the entire decade and no one ever really challenged his position as the best. The other arguments that I have heard are for Roger Federer (amazing performance made slightly less so because no one watches tennis), Lance Armstrong (inspirational cyclist who may or may not be chemically enhanced) and Michael Phelps (though being the best swimmer may also be defined as being the best at avoiding drowning.) That would really be your top of the class. There is no Jordan equivalent this decade in terms of top athlete in a main sport who rewrote the entire nature of the sport. You can hate his personal life but Tiger was the best athlete of the decade.
Best videos of the decade: I know this is a video made up of movie clips but we really need to give a big shout out to O Brother Where Art Thou? It really did bring back an interest in old timey country music. True, the charts are still filled with Carrie Underwood songs but for a moment at least country music actually topped the country charts.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
ABBA and Iggy Pop: Together at Last
I love the fact that my blog can play a central role in the discussion of minute portions of the Star Wars saga. What was the efficiency of keeping Luke warm in a Taunton carcass? More importantly, how could a Taunton, which obviously had evolved to the point to survive the cruel Hoth winters, succumb so easily to the cold? How did Han know how to use a lightsaber? And why did they let Luke join the raid on the Death Star when he had never flown an X Wing in his entire life? We need answers Mr. Lucas and we need them now.
In memory of the passing of Oral Roberts and in honor of his greatest protégé MC 900 Foot Jesus I thought that it would be fitting to take a look at this year’s class of inductees into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. And once again, the Monkees were robbed.
ABBA: I’m not an ABBA fan. I started becoming aware of a world beyond Sesame Street right as the Disco Sucks movement came into play and no one was more hated than ABBA. Even more so than the Bee Gees and people despised the Bee Gees where I lived. Even as I grew older I never got a taste for their music. Couldn’t figure out why it was popular or so revered. In his latest book Chuck Klosterman gives the following explanation that makes as much sense as any: ABBA is popular because no other band could possibly sound like ABBA.
(Eating the Dinosaur is a good read for people who want essays on ABBA as well as the career of Ralph Sampson. Honestly, reading Klosterman is like reading my blog except better written and with more references to North Dakota.)
Can you imagine an ABBA cover band or a group that completely mirrors themselves on their style? I mean, Whitesnake was essentially a Led Zeppelin cover band and every band in 1995 was trying to be either Nirvana or Pearl Jam but no one has tried to replicate ABBA. I don’t even think it is possible. The sheer fact that Mamma Mia is a hit musical and movie, that people smile when they think of ABBA, makes them a good fit for the hall. Sometimes happiness outlasts art.
Genesis: I am a little torn on this one. You start with the Peter Gabriel era, which is art rock and not very listenable and that segues into the first few Phil Collins albums that were just amazing. Then things kind of filter out (right as I became a fan, surprising enough) to the point that it would be very embarrassing to admit owning any Genesis CDs. I guess my biggest question on this one is does anyone really think that the band Genesis is so monumental that they need to be honored? Peter Gabriel should be in the hall without a doubt. You can make a case for Phil Collins, not a great one but a case. I’m just not sure about the band.
Jimmy Cliff: I’ll have to show a little bit of my ignorance here as I am not sure if I can recall offhand ever hearing a Jimmy Cliff song. I know I must have but there is not one that I can just have leap into my mind. Jimmy Cliff is the man that brought reggae into the mainstream before Marley, before anyone. Don’t think that anyone will question his inclusion at all.
The Hollies: I have a recording of Jeff Buckley playing at a coffee house talking about how awesome the Hollies were. If they were good enough for Jeff they are good enough for me.
The Stooges: I have two words for you: fuck and yeah! I mean, I hate the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, which is based on the idea that the 60’s were awesome and that music peaked when the Rolling Stones first played. Look at who is inducted and who isn’t and you can completely see how there is no critical merit for any of the selections. Yes, Van Halen deserved to be in but how do you put them in before Iggy Pop and the Stooges? They pretty much founded punk rock.
You cannot underestimate the importance of punk rock. I didn’t understand it as a kid and will admit that the piercings and spiked hair scared the hell out of me. But it was a rebellion by one generation against the lies of another. It was rising against the claims that the sixties were all about peace and love. The sixties were about race riots and Altamont. Punk rock was and still is about saying screw you this is what life is really like. That is Iggy Pop. You can’t have rock and roll without Iggy it is as simple as that.
In memory of the passing of Oral Roberts and in honor of his greatest protégé MC 900 Foot Jesus I thought that it would be fitting to take a look at this year’s class of inductees into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. And once again, the Monkees were robbed.
ABBA: I’m not an ABBA fan. I started becoming aware of a world beyond Sesame Street right as the Disco Sucks movement came into play and no one was more hated than ABBA. Even more so than the Bee Gees and people despised the Bee Gees where I lived. Even as I grew older I never got a taste for their music. Couldn’t figure out why it was popular or so revered. In his latest book Chuck Klosterman gives the following explanation that makes as much sense as any: ABBA is popular because no other band could possibly sound like ABBA.
(Eating the Dinosaur is a good read for people who want essays on ABBA as well as the career of Ralph Sampson. Honestly, reading Klosterman is like reading my blog except better written and with more references to North Dakota.)
Can you imagine an ABBA cover band or a group that completely mirrors themselves on their style? I mean, Whitesnake was essentially a Led Zeppelin cover band and every band in 1995 was trying to be either Nirvana or Pearl Jam but no one has tried to replicate ABBA. I don’t even think it is possible. The sheer fact that Mamma Mia is a hit musical and movie, that people smile when they think of ABBA, makes them a good fit for the hall. Sometimes happiness outlasts art.
Genesis: I am a little torn on this one. You start with the Peter Gabriel era, which is art rock and not very listenable and that segues into the first few Phil Collins albums that were just amazing. Then things kind of filter out (right as I became a fan, surprising enough) to the point that it would be very embarrassing to admit owning any Genesis CDs. I guess my biggest question on this one is does anyone really think that the band Genesis is so monumental that they need to be honored? Peter Gabriel should be in the hall without a doubt. You can make a case for Phil Collins, not a great one but a case. I’m just not sure about the band.
Jimmy Cliff: I’ll have to show a little bit of my ignorance here as I am not sure if I can recall offhand ever hearing a Jimmy Cliff song. I know I must have but there is not one that I can just have leap into my mind. Jimmy Cliff is the man that brought reggae into the mainstream before Marley, before anyone. Don’t think that anyone will question his inclusion at all.
The Hollies: I have a recording of Jeff Buckley playing at a coffee house talking about how awesome the Hollies were. If they were good enough for Jeff they are good enough for me.
The Stooges: I have two words for you: fuck and yeah! I mean, I hate the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, which is based on the idea that the 60’s were awesome and that music peaked when the Rolling Stones first played. Look at who is inducted and who isn’t and you can completely see how there is no critical merit for any of the selections. Yes, Van Halen deserved to be in but how do you put them in before Iggy Pop and the Stooges? They pretty much founded punk rock.
You cannot underestimate the importance of punk rock. I didn’t understand it as a kid and will admit that the piercings and spiked hair scared the hell out of me. But it was a rebellion by one generation against the lies of another. It was rising against the claims that the sixties were all about peace and love. The sixties were about race riots and Altamont. Punk rock was and still is about saying screw you this is what life is really like. That is Iggy Pop. You can’t have rock and roll without Iggy it is as simple as that.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Hoth Leia costume not included
All I want for Christmas is a Millennium Falcon bed. And the Taunton sleeping bag. But more importantly the Millennium Falcon bed just so I could make the Kessel Run in under twelve parsecs. And yes, that does sound a little dirtier than it should.
Now that I am done with the bowl game preview (and yes, that did take a lot longer than I had originally anticipated) I can get back to everyone’s favorite topic: Tiger Woods. Oh stop groaning. I might as well write about this now because in about three days this is going to become a non-story until he plays golf again and then it will be a minor story and disappear.
We are nearing the end of this in terms of the news cycle. There is very little else we could find out that will change the way we view the situation. We have already been introduced to a gaggle of skanks and whether the final number is ten or a hundred we have reached the point where it doesn’t really matter. Tiger’s image as a perfect person has been irreparably damaged and his marriage has been shattered but all in all that is the end of the story.
As opposed to a lot of these stories there is no next step. There are no criminal charges pending as it is not a crime to be an adulterer or a tool or a prick. If there were any charges they would be on Elin due to domestic abuse, which is why Tiger is lying low. If he showed his face to the media giving the impression that Elin beat him with a golf club she would be facing serious jail time under Florida law. When politicians cheat there is the question of resignation but that isn’t applicable here. At the end of the day he is just a golfer who cheated on his wife. Except that he happens to be a billion dollar brand.
That is what is of most interest as we watch the fallout from his advertisers. Accenture has dropped him, which makes sense because duplicity and consulting are not two images you would like to mix. Gillette, Gatorade and Nike are all pulling back from using him in their advertisements but are not dropping him as a spokesperson, which is the absolute right thing to do. Because at the end of the day Tiger is going to rebound back into the good graces of society. This always happens, especially in sports.
Remember people paid to watch Mike Tyson, a convicted rapist, box. When the Lakers won the title last year they weren’t describing Kobe Bryant as “known adulterer and accused though acquitted rapist.” It didn’t even get mentioned. Sure that first year back Kobe was heckled but you would be amazed by how soon that ended. Tiger won’t even have that to face because you can’t heckle on a golf course. For some reason, the public is really forgiving of these things.
No he won’t be a hero to all anymore. The talk of him being a savior for sports and society is gone and lost forever. He won’t be the focus of as much ad time and it will be weird seeing him in a commercial that first time back. But he will be back because the only thing Americans love more than tearing down their heroes is watching them be reborn.
Now that I am done with the bowl game preview (and yes, that did take a lot longer than I had originally anticipated) I can get back to everyone’s favorite topic: Tiger Woods. Oh stop groaning. I might as well write about this now because in about three days this is going to become a non-story until he plays golf again and then it will be a minor story and disappear.
We are nearing the end of this in terms of the news cycle. There is very little else we could find out that will change the way we view the situation. We have already been introduced to a gaggle of skanks and whether the final number is ten or a hundred we have reached the point where it doesn’t really matter. Tiger’s image as a perfect person has been irreparably damaged and his marriage has been shattered but all in all that is the end of the story.
As opposed to a lot of these stories there is no next step. There are no criminal charges pending as it is not a crime to be an adulterer or a tool or a prick. If there were any charges they would be on Elin due to domestic abuse, which is why Tiger is lying low. If he showed his face to the media giving the impression that Elin beat him with a golf club she would be facing serious jail time under Florida law. When politicians cheat there is the question of resignation but that isn’t applicable here. At the end of the day he is just a golfer who cheated on his wife. Except that he happens to be a billion dollar brand.
That is what is of most interest as we watch the fallout from his advertisers. Accenture has dropped him, which makes sense because duplicity and consulting are not two images you would like to mix. Gillette, Gatorade and Nike are all pulling back from using him in their advertisements but are not dropping him as a spokesperson, which is the absolute right thing to do. Because at the end of the day Tiger is going to rebound back into the good graces of society. This always happens, especially in sports.
Remember people paid to watch Mike Tyson, a convicted rapist, box. When the Lakers won the title last year they weren’t describing Kobe Bryant as “known adulterer and accused though acquitted rapist.” It didn’t even get mentioned. Sure that first year back Kobe was heckled but you would be amazed by how soon that ended. Tiger won’t even have that to face because you can’t heckle on a golf course. For some reason, the public is really forgiving of these things.
No he won’t be a hero to all anymore. The talk of him being a savior for sports and society is gone and lost forever. He won’t be the focus of as much ad time and it will be weird seeing him in a commercial that first time back. But he will be back because the only thing Americans love more than tearing down their heroes is watching them be reborn.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
2009 Bowl Preview: Part Four
Ok, time to finish off the Bowl Previews with the BCS bowl games, also known as the only games that anyone really cares about. Well, one game that people kind of care about and four others that are just kind of there.
January 1:
Rose Bowl Game presented by Citi: Ohio State vs. Oregon: The pageantry! The spectacle! The floats covered with numerous types of roses in a complete waste of ecological resources! And for the first time in recent memory, no appearance by USC! This year we have the traditional matchup of overrated Big 10 team versus much faster Pac 10 team. (The Pac 10: Nine fine academic institutions and Arizona State.) I would like to remind everyone that Oregon will be fielding a player who punched a Boise State player in the face after a loss during the first week of the season. Yes he was suspended but it is good to know that a knockdown punch does not end your season. Sadly, the only way Ohio State wins this game is if most of Oregon is either suspended or banned from taking the field in neon yellow uniforms. I recommend watching the parade instead.
Allstate Sugar Bowl: Florida vs. Cincinnati: I would like to take a moment here to honor the career of Tim Tebow who I fear will become the Christian Laettner of football. What I mean is that on a college level no one in the modern era had quite as good a career as Laettner. Two titles, four final fours, magical last second shots, most NCAA tournament games played, just amazing accomplishments that led to a rather pedestrian pro career. I see the same for Tebow who could become a decent pro quarterback but will probably never be a Hall of Famer. But my god, was he unstoppable in the college game. Watching him in tears at the end of the SEC championship game made you realize just how much he wanted to win every single time he took the field.
Cincinnati is the team that just got screwed by Notre Dame. Or more accurately, their coach left an undefeated team to join ND before the bowl game. I’m still a little underwhelmed at the signing. I like Brian Kelly and Cincy has put together a nice program but I am not sold on him at all. Winning in the Big East is not the most impressive thing in the world. I hope I’m wrong and that he turns out to be a good coach but I am more excited by Kansas signing Turner Gill as their new coach. Anyway, Florida wins this one because no way Tebow goes out as a loser.
January 4:
Tostitos Fiesta Bowl: Boise State vs. TCU: You have to love the BCS. You have two undefeated teams from non-BCS conferences who can’t play in the title game because no BCS school will schedule them. At the moment Boise State has an open challenge to any BCS school to play them and no one has taken up the offer. So what do the bowls do? They have them play each other. Just completely unfair.
There is no team that I get more joy in watching than Boise State. Every single thing about the program is wrong. Their uniforms, the color of their field, the fact that Idaho has two Division 1 football programs, none of it makes a lick of sense. But they go out and play and win year in and year out and they’ve proven that they can beat the big boys. On the other hand TCU couldn’t sell out home games during a dream season. Cheer for Boise State and ask your school to put them on the schedule. Until we get a playoff (four team or eight team) that will be the only option.
January 5:
FedEx Orange Bowl: Iowa vs. Georgia Tech: What sucks about the new bowl schedule where you no longer have all the games on New Year’s Day is that we seem to have lost the spectacle that is the Orange Bowl halftime show. As a kid this was amazing as it always seemed to take forty five minutes and involve elephants and performers previously seen only as guest stars on The Love Boat. I believe Colorado performed knee surgery on a player during halftime one year. Now this is just a meaningless Tuesday night game.
Georgia Tech is coached by the former Navy coach and runs the triple option. There is no trickery. They are going to run the triple option and you must stop it. No one does. Iowa football is made up of the typical combination of farm boys and…pretty much farm boys. I’m pretty sure they are the only school that schedules a bye week for the crucial shucking season. Oh, and the following video is for my old friend and blog commenter Rug. We kid because we admire the program Rug. No other reason.
Citi BCS National Championship Game: Texas vs. Alabama: Again I must note that the final bowl game does not have the word Bowl anywhere in its title. If that doesn’t tell you how screwed up the system is nothing will. Of all the possible title game matchups this has to be the least interesting imaginable. I would have loved to have seen Cincy or TCU or Boise State in here to give us an underdog. Or for there to be two dominant teams meeting up like the Texas vs. USC game a few years ago. Instead we have this.
Texas has just been completely underwhelming. They should have lost to Nebraska and would have if it wasn’t for a horrible kickoff, a dumb penalty and luck after running the worst two minute drill that I have ever seen. Even against Oklahoma, a team they should have destroyed, Texas played poorly and Colt McCoy hasn’t shown me much all season. Alabama, on the other hand, has just been dominant but not in a fun way. This isn’t a high explosive offense that excites you with great plays. This is a team that beats you 17 – 6 in a game that is never in doubt. They are a great team with a star player in Ingram but they are not exciting. Alabama is going to win this one but a year from now no one will remember the game.
Best of 120 Minutes: There is only one thing better than the Pixies playing “I Bleed” and that is the Pixies with Weird Al Yankovic on lead vocals singing “I Bleed.”
The five random CDs for the week:
1) John Wesley Harding “Trad Arr Jones”
2) 10,000 Maniacs “MTV Unplugged”
3) Wayne Toups and Zydecajun “Back to the Bayou”
4) Ryan Adams “Easy Tiger”
5) Neko Case “The Tigers Have Spoken”
January 1:
Rose Bowl Game presented by Citi: Ohio State vs. Oregon: The pageantry! The spectacle! The floats covered with numerous types of roses in a complete waste of ecological resources! And for the first time in recent memory, no appearance by USC! This year we have the traditional matchup of overrated Big 10 team versus much faster Pac 10 team. (The Pac 10: Nine fine academic institutions and Arizona State.) I would like to remind everyone that Oregon will be fielding a player who punched a Boise State player in the face after a loss during the first week of the season. Yes he was suspended but it is good to know that a knockdown punch does not end your season. Sadly, the only way Ohio State wins this game is if most of Oregon is either suspended or banned from taking the field in neon yellow uniforms. I recommend watching the parade instead.
Allstate Sugar Bowl: Florida vs. Cincinnati: I would like to take a moment here to honor the career of Tim Tebow who I fear will become the Christian Laettner of football. What I mean is that on a college level no one in the modern era had quite as good a career as Laettner. Two titles, four final fours, magical last second shots, most NCAA tournament games played, just amazing accomplishments that led to a rather pedestrian pro career. I see the same for Tebow who could become a decent pro quarterback but will probably never be a Hall of Famer. But my god, was he unstoppable in the college game. Watching him in tears at the end of the SEC championship game made you realize just how much he wanted to win every single time he took the field.
Cincinnati is the team that just got screwed by Notre Dame. Or more accurately, their coach left an undefeated team to join ND before the bowl game. I’m still a little underwhelmed at the signing. I like Brian Kelly and Cincy has put together a nice program but I am not sold on him at all. Winning in the Big East is not the most impressive thing in the world. I hope I’m wrong and that he turns out to be a good coach but I am more excited by Kansas signing Turner Gill as their new coach. Anyway, Florida wins this one because no way Tebow goes out as a loser.
January 4:
Tostitos Fiesta Bowl: Boise State vs. TCU: You have to love the BCS. You have two undefeated teams from non-BCS conferences who can’t play in the title game because no BCS school will schedule them. At the moment Boise State has an open challenge to any BCS school to play them and no one has taken up the offer. So what do the bowls do? They have them play each other. Just completely unfair.
There is no team that I get more joy in watching than Boise State. Every single thing about the program is wrong. Their uniforms, the color of their field, the fact that Idaho has two Division 1 football programs, none of it makes a lick of sense. But they go out and play and win year in and year out and they’ve proven that they can beat the big boys. On the other hand TCU couldn’t sell out home games during a dream season. Cheer for Boise State and ask your school to put them on the schedule. Until we get a playoff (four team or eight team) that will be the only option.
January 5:
FedEx Orange Bowl: Iowa vs. Georgia Tech: What sucks about the new bowl schedule where you no longer have all the games on New Year’s Day is that we seem to have lost the spectacle that is the Orange Bowl halftime show. As a kid this was amazing as it always seemed to take forty five minutes and involve elephants and performers previously seen only as guest stars on The Love Boat. I believe Colorado performed knee surgery on a player during halftime one year. Now this is just a meaningless Tuesday night game.
Georgia Tech is coached by the former Navy coach and runs the triple option. There is no trickery. They are going to run the triple option and you must stop it. No one does. Iowa football is made up of the typical combination of farm boys and…pretty much farm boys. I’m pretty sure they are the only school that schedules a bye week for the crucial shucking season. Oh, and the following video is for my old friend and blog commenter Rug. We kid because we admire the program Rug. No other reason.
Citi BCS National Championship Game: Texas vs. Alabama: Again I must note that the final bowl game does not have the word Bowl anywhere in its title. If that doesn’t tell you how screwed up the system is nothing will. Of all the possible title game matchups this has to be the least interesting imaginable. I would have loved to have seen Cincy or TCU or Boise State in here to give us an underdog. Or for there to be two dominant teams meeting up like the Texas vs. USC game a few years ago. Instead we have this.
Texas has just been completely underwhelming. They should have lost to Nebraska and would have if it wasn’t for a horrible kickoff, a dumb penalty and luck after running the worst two minute drill that I have ever seen. Even against Oklahoma, a team they should have destroyed, Texas played poorly and Colt McCoy hasn’t shown me much all season. Alabama, on the other hand, has just been dominant but not in a fun way. This isn’t a high explosive offense that excites you with great plays. This is a team that beats you 17 – 6 in a game that is never in doubt. They are a great team with a star player in Ingram but they are not exciting. Alabama is going to win this one but a year from now no one will remember the game.
Best of 120 Minutes: There is only one thing better than the Pixies playing “I Bleed” and that is the Pixies with Weird Al Yankovic on lead vocals singing “I Bleed.”
The five random CDs for the week:
1) John Wesley Harding “Trad Arr Jones”
2) 10,000 Maniacs “MTV Unplugged”
3) Wayne Toups and Zydecajun “Back to the Bayou”
4) Ryan Adams “Easy Tiger”
5) Neko Case “The Tigers Have Spoken”
Thursday, December 10, 2009
2009 Bowl Preview: Part Three
We are keeping with the bowl games though there is going to be a slight change. Tonight I will be looking at the non-BCS January games and I’ll post my BCS preview over the weekend. There are just a few too many games to cover in one night. On to the 2010 festivities.
January 1:
Outback Bowl: Northwestern vs. Auburn: Nothing is better for a hangover than a blooming onion and a moderately priced steak. Like all football Saturdays your New Year’s Day should begin by watching one of those Big 10 teams that no one really cares about but that is always on television. While I hate Northwestern with every cell of my body I like Pat Fitzgerald as a coach and wouldn’t have minded having him getting the ND job either. I cannot cheer for Auburn simply because they cannot make up their mind as to what the hell their team name is. So they are the Tigers but everyone refers to them as the War Eagles? Make up your damn mind. As a result, I’ll stay with my Big Ten pride and cheer for the team in purple. Assuming that I can actually watch television by the time this game starts.
Capital One Bowl: Penn State vs. LSU: I wonder who won the Capital One mascot challenge this year. I wish they would turn that into the college football equivalent of the Bud Bowl but instead I just get to enjoy commercials featuring the Western Kentucky Hilltopper, which isn’t that bad really. I’m not quite sure how Iowa got the BCS slot over Penn State. Sure Iowa beat them heads up but I really think Penn State is the better team. Plus, they still have Joe Pa on the sidelines and that is worth its weight in gold. My hope is that the Penn State medical school is working on slowly converting Joe Pa into a cyborg so that he will never have to leave the sidelines. Like in 2082 Penn State will be coached by a robot with Joe Pa’s brain or something. On the LSU side I assume that one of the student managers will be instructed to tell Les Miles how much time is left after every play and say things like “Coach, do you really think that kneeling down with six minutes left in the half is a good idea?”
Konica Minolta Gator Bowl: West Virginia vs. Florida State: Even on his way out Bobby Bowden screws up college football. Since it is his last game they wanted him to coach in Florida on New Year’s Day so they send Miami to the Champs Sports Bowl and give Florida State this game. And since he was a head coach at West Virginia in the 70’s (something even I didn’t know about) they sent Pitt to the Meineke Car Care bowl. Yes, this game could be Miami vs. Pitt but no, it has to be a four hour tribute to the guy who couldn’t tell you what the score was in the second half of a game he was coaching. God, I hate Bowden. At least Bear Bryant had the dignity to accept that his last game was at the Liberty Bowl.
As for the game itself this is a matchup of two schools whose mascots are armed on the sidelines, which should add a heightened level of tension to the game. I haven’t heard anything good about Florida State this year and in a fair game West Virginia would run right through them. But watch them try to give Bowden the win on his way out.
January 2
International Bowl: South Florida vs. Northern Illinois: I can’t imagine too many of the fans are searching for their passports in order to make their way to Toronto for this one. There might be a rush to expedite passport applications in DeKalb but I kind of doubt it. What we have here is a classic matchup of a team from a football state versus a team from a more corn intensive locale. Go with South Florida on this one. Just trust me, unless the game was being played outside in Toronto Northern is going to be at a distinct disadvantage.
Papajohns.com Bowl: South Carolina vs. UConn: Does anyone else enjoy ordering pizza online solely because it means that you are no longer required to have any human interaction in the entire process? I mean, if they could just slip the pizza under my door so I wouldn’t have to talk to the delivery guy it would be perfect. On the teams, Steve Spurrier has the best retirement gig ever at South Carolina. He basically spends most of his time golfing and occasionally coaching his team to a bowl game and everyone is happy for it. UConn is one of those programs I am constantly stunned by. I don’t know how they can recruit top talent, get them to overcome the murder of one of their players and play everyone on their schedule tough. They don’t get the respect they deserve but I’ll be pulling for them. Remember to stay tuned at halftime for the tribute to pepperoni.
AT&T Cotton Bowl: Oklahoma State vs. Ole Miss: Why isn’t this game on New Year’s Day? Shouldn’t the Cotton Bowl always be on New Year’s Day? And why can’t Mississippi go by their proper name? It is always Ole Miss and it pisses me off. This is a matchup of two pretty forgettable teams. Ole Miss was heavily hyped at the start of the season but did absolutely nothing worthwhile and Oklahoma State’s best player is suspended due to talking to Deion Sanders. Not taking money from Deion, just talking to him is worthy of a suspension. Can’t say I disagree with the punishment.
AutoZone Liberty Bowl: Arkansas vs. East Carolina: I’ve spent the past ten minutes trying to figure out what to say about this game. Here is what I’ve got. 1) Why don’t you pronounce Arkansas “Arrr Kansas?” 2) Do we really need an East Carolina? Aren’t two states enough? 3) The most memorable Liberty Bowls tend to involve bitterly cold temperatures in Memphis causing a legitimate risk of the bands’ instruments freezing to their faces. 4) I haven’t seen either of these teams play this year and I wouldn’t be upset if I missed them one last time.
Valero Alamo Bowl: Michigan State vs. Texas Tech: For those going to the game I have to say that the Alamodome is one of the strangest designed stadiums ever. There are only two entrance gates so pretty much everyone gets crammed into these narrow corridors trying to find their sections while dealing with the people buying food, beer, etc. who also happen to be in the corridors. You will get claustrophobic. Might as well just stay on the Riverwalk, which is much nicer and has cheaper beer.
This is one of those style mismatch games. Texas Tech basically runs the same offense that your 11 year old nephew uses on Madden. One of these days they are just going to decide to never punt the ball. Michigan State, which had to suspend roughly half of their team over the past week, follows the standard Big Ten template of giving the ball to a big guy who runs behind a lot of other big guys. This game shows that the Big Ten and the Big 12 had an off year as neither of these teams are that good and this has historically been a pretty good bowl game. Like I said, spend more time on the Riverwalk than anything else.
January 6:
GMAC Bowl: Central Michigan vs. Troy: You would think that Central Michigan would have home field advantage for this one but the GMAC Bowl is held in Alabama. Don’t ask me why this game isn’t played in Detroit; it doesn’t make sense to me either. You have to like Troy here just because any guy who will take on an entire state by himself is a complete badass. He doesn’t even need a last name. It’s just Troy. You can see him standing there in dirty jeans and a leather jacket with a screw you look upon his face just waiting for someone to pick a fight. So celebrate the new year by cheering for the man of Troy.
January 1:
Outback Bowl: Northwestern vs. Auburn: Nothing is better for a hangover than a blooming onion and a moderately priced steak. Like all football Saturdays your New Year’s Day should begin by watching one of those Big 10 teams that no one really cares about but that is always on television. While I hate Northwestern with every cell of my body I like Pat Fitzgerald as a coach and wouldn’t have minded having him getting the ND job either. I cannot cheer for Auburn simply because they cannot make up their mind as to what the hell their team name is. So they are the Tigers but everyone refers to them as the War Eagles? Make up your damn mind. As a result, I’ll stay with my Big Ten pride and cheer for the team in purple. Assuming that I can actually watch television by the time this game starts.
Capital One Bowl: Penn State vs. LSU: I wonder who won the Capital One mascot challenge this year. I wish they would turn that into the college football equivalent of the Bud Bowl but instead I just get to enjoy commercials featuring the Western Kentucky Hilltopper, which isn’t that bad really. I’m not quite sure how Iowa got the BCS slot over Penn State. Sure Iowa beat them heads up but I really think Penn State is the better team. Plus, they still have Joe Pa on the sidelines and that is worth its weight in gold. My hope is that the Penn State medical school is working on slowly converting Joe Pa into a cyborg so that he will never have to leave the sidelines. Like in 2082 Penn State will be coached by a robot with Joe Pa’s brain or something. On the LSU side I assume that one of the student managers will be instructed to tell Les Miles how much time is left after every play and say things like “Coach, do you really think that kneeling down with six minutes left in the half is a good idea?”
Konica Minolta Gator Bowl: West Virginia vs. Florida State: Even on his way out Bobby Bowden screws up college football. Since it is his last game they wanted him to coach in Florida on New Year’s Day so they send Miami to the Champs Sports Bowl and give Florida State this game. And since he was a head coach at West Virginia in the 70’s (something even I didn’t know about) they sent Pitt to the Meineke Car Care bowl. Yes, this game could be Miami vs. Pitt but no, it has to be a four hour tribute to the guy who couldn’t tell you what the score was in the second half of a game he was coaching. God, I hate Bowden. At least Bear Bryant had the dignity to accept that his last game was at the Liberty Bowl.
As for the game itself this is a matchup of two schools whose mascots are armed on the sidelines, which should add a heightened level of tension to the game. I haven’t heard anything good about Florida State this year and in a fair game West Virginia would run right through them. But watch them try to give Bowden the win on his way out.
January 2
International Bowl: South Florida vs. Northern Illinois: I can’t imagine too many of the fans are searching for their passports in order to make their way to Toronto for this one. There might be a rush to expedite passport applications in DeKalb but I kind of doubt it. What we have here is a classic matchup of a team from a football state versus a team from a more corn intensive locale. Go with South Florida on this one. Just trust me, unless the game was being played outside in Toronto Northern is going to be at a distinct disadvantage.
Papajohns.com Bowl: South Carolina vs. UConn: Does anyone else enjoy ordering pizza online solely because it means that you are no longer required to have any human interaction in the entire process? I mean, if they could just slip the pizza under my door so I wouldn’t have to talk to the delivery guy it would be perfect. On the teams, Steve Spurrier has the best retirement gig ever at South Carolina. He basically spends most of his time golfing and occasionally coaching his team to a bowl game and everyone is happy for it. UConn is one of those programs I am constantly stunned by. I don’t know how they can recruit top talent, get them to overcome the murder of one of their players and play everyone on their schedule tough. They don’t get the respect they deserve but I’ll be pulling for them. Remember to stay tuned at halftime for the tribute to pepperoni.
AT&T Cotton Bowl: Oklahoma State vs. Ole Miss: Why isn’t this game on New Year’s Day? Shouldn’t the Cotton Bowl always be on New Year’s Day? And why can’t Mississippi go by their proper name? It is always Ole Miss and it pisses me off. This is a matchup of two pretty forgettable teams. Ole Miss was heavily hyped at the start of the season but did absolutely nothing worthwhile and Oklahoma State’s best player is suspended due to talking to Deion Sanders. Not taking money from Deion, just talking to him is worthy of a suspension. Can’t say I disagree with the punishment.
AutoZone Liberty Bowl: Arkansas vs. East Carolina: I’ve spent the past ten minutes trying to figure out what to say about this game. Here is what I’ve got. 1) Why don’t you pronounce Arkansas “Arrr Kansas?” 2) Do we really need an East Carolina? Aren’t two states enough? 3) The most memorable Liberty Bowls tend to involve bitterly cold temperatures in Memphis causing a legitimate risk of the bands’ instruments freezing to their faces. 4) I haven’t seen either of these teams play this year and I wouldn’t be upset if I missed them one last time.
Valero Alamo Bowl: Michigan State vs. Texas Tech: For those going to the game I have to say that the Alamodome is one of the strangest designed stadiums ever. There are only two entrance gates so pretty much everyone gets crammed into these narrow corridors trying to find their sections while dealing with the people buying food, beer, etc. who also happen to be in the corridors. You will get claustrophobic. Might as well just stay on the Riverwalk, which is much nicer and has cheaper beer.
This is one of those style mismatch games. Texas Tech basically runs the same offense that your 11 year old nephew uses on Madden. One of these days they are just going to decide to never punt the ball. Michigan State, which had to suspend roughly half of their team over the past week, follows the standard Big Ten template of giving the ball to a big guy who runs behind a lot of other big guys. This game shows that the Big Ten and the Big 12 had an off year as neither of these teams are that good and this has historically been a pretty good bowl game. Like I said, spend more time on the Riverwalk than anything else.
January 6:
GMAC Bowl: Central Michigan vs. Troy: You would think that Central Michigan would have home field advantage for this one but the GMAC Bowl is held in Alabama. Don’t ask me why this game isn’t played in Detroit; it doesn’t make sense to me either. You have to like Troy here just because any guy who will take on an entire state by himself is a complete badass. He doesn’t even need a last name. It’s just Troy. You can see him standing there in dirty jeans and a leather jacket with a screw you look upon his face just waiting for someone to pick a fight. So celebrate the new year by cheering for the man of Troy.
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
2009 Bowl Preview: Part Two
Time for part two of the Battling the Current Bowl Preview Palooza. Tonight we will look at the games from December 28 through the 31st also known as “Games featuring teams you have heard of in bowl games that you wouldn’t spend money to attend because they aren’t in January.” Here we go…
December 28
AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl: Texas A+M vs. Georgia: I never thought that I would see a day where a bowl game had a better name than the legendary “Poulan Weed Eater Independence Bowl.” However, the AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl may actually beat it solely because I have no idea what AdvoCare is or what the V100 refers to. At least I always knew that if I ever needed to buy a weed eater I would certainly choose a Poulan. Here all I know if ever faced with a need to purchase AdvoCare the smart choice is to go with V100. You know how bad it is? I can’t even find a reference to the company in Wikipedia.
As for the game this looks to be a good match up on paper at least. Both teams underachieved a bit but you can at least expect some solid play. At a minimum it is a matchup of two storied programs who seldom get a chance to play each other, which is the entire point of bowl games anyway.
December 29
EagleBank Bowl: Temple vs. UCLA / Army: Ok, here is the explanation on this one. See, the college football season isn’t over yet since we still have the Army – Navy game on Saturday. If Army wins then they are bowl eligible and play in this game. If Navy wins then UCLA gets the right to travel to DC for the game. Personally, I propose the formation of UCLArmy for this game just so we can have a team whose mascot is a bear holding a rifle. That would be the most kick ass mascot ever. However, this is all distracting us from the most important aspect of this game: the realization that Temple has a football team. Seriously, they really do. Helmets and pads and the whole nine yards. Actually, the whole ten yards given that they made it to a bowl game.
Champs Sports Bowl: Miami vs. Wisconsin: Miami is the second team in this preview that got screwed over by Bobby Bowden. It’s incredible that Florida State’s best move to get a good bowl game this year was to force their coach to retire as opposed to, I don’t know, win a game. This is one of those bowls featuring two teams that you really want to see play facing each other in a bowl sponsored by that bad sports bar in the mall that you have never, ever stepped foot in. You know, the one whose entire business model seems to consist of knowing that guys who are forced to shop with their wives will at some point get so desperate to escape that they’ll run in for an overpriced beer and some potato skins. Anyway, another classic matchup as you have the speed and explosiveness of streetwise Miami going up against the lumbering and powerful cheeseladen Wisconsin. I suggest follow one of my golden rules of gambling “Never bet on cheese.”
December 30
Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl: Bowling Green vs. Idaho: Every year the following scene plays out on two college campuses. “Congratulations team, we’ve been selected to play in a bowl game! (Team cheers) In Boise, Idaho! (Team groans and wonders if they can pull the Notre Dame move and excuse themselves from playing.” This is even worse for the kids from Idaho who finally have a chance to play football somewhere nice but instead are forced to stay in Idaho and play on blue turf in a game whose title is an oxymoron. I have wondered for years how being a humanitarian and trying to inflict a concussion on your opponent go hand in hand. I’m cheering for Bowling Green because Neko Case did a cover of that old song on her first album.
Pacific Life Holiday Bowl: Arizona vs. Nebraska: There is one general rule to the bowl season. If you are going to watch one pre-January bowl game make it the Holiday Bowl. Year in and year out this is the game that features the best teams, players and finishes. I believe that two years ago Jim Brown made a fourth quarter comeback to lead Syracuse to victory over the Minnesota State Screaming Eagles despite the best work of Dauber Dybinski on the sidelines. Watch just to see Suh from Nebraska just destroy every single person who stands in his way. I haven’t seen a beast of a defensive lineman like him in a long time. He should be the number one pick in the draft in April.
December 31
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl: Houston vs. Air Force: Bit of a toss up here. The game is being played in Forth Worth, thus giving Houston a bit of a home field advantage. However, not only is this the Armed Forces Bowl but it is sponsored by a helicopter manufacturer which has to at least even things out for Air Force. (Side note: As a fan am I expected to think while watching this game, “Do you know what I need to pick up? A helicopter.” Just curious.) It is nice to know that with an Army win on Saturday all three service academies will be in bowl games. (Second side note: The game is played in Amon G. Carter Stadium and you know what, you just don’t see enough kids with the named Amon around anymore. Or Edna for that matter.) Be a patriot and cheer for Air Force.
Brut Sun Bowl: Oklahoma vs. Stanford: The game brought you by Faberge. Good old Brut, the cologne for teenagers who want to smell like ass. Outside of the green bottle version of Polo no cologne has been abused more by teenage boys hoping to score than Brut, which might be the logic behind the sponsorship. This year we have Oklahoma, a team that has been dead in the water ever since Sam Bradford had his arm ripped from his body similar to that of the Wampa in Empire Strikes Back, going up against Stanford, a school that can’t afford an official mascot or an “s” on the end of their nickname. Despite my hatred of their band I am pulling for Stanford as I am a big fan of Jim Harbaugh and would love to have him on the ND sidelines. He won’t take the job though as one more year of Rich Rod screwing Michigan will let Jim be able to come home to his old school as a returning hero.
Texas Bowl: Navy vs. Missouri: You would think that in the entire state of Texas you would be able to find a sponsor. At least call it “The Don’t Mess with Texas Bowl” or “If we had our way, the Independent Nation of Texas Bowl.” Give me something to work with here. Anyway, I am proud to say that I was there the last time Notre Dame beat Navy, which is a bit of an accomplishment. A sad accomplishment but an accomplishment nonetheless. I do love watching Navy play as you have a bunch of dedicated and determined guys running a set offense and just daring the other team to stop them. Mizzou is…about a two hour drive from KC. You’d think I’d know more but I really don’t. I mainly focused on Kansas football because the sheer size of Mark Mangino brought all the attention towards him due to gravity alone.
Insight Bowl: Minnesota vs. Iowa State: Have to love a bowl game named for a vague psychological concept. This should be followed by either the Drunken Recognition Bowl or the Regret Bowl. This is a classic rivalry between two states that can’t stand each other. Or so I suppose. It is probably more of a matter of passive aggressive politeness where the governors make offhand comments on the relative merits of the state flags. Minnesota fans will be asking about the corn harvest while Iowa State fans will be inquiring about the snowfall this year. That is Midwest smack talk for you. Like all games featuring teams from where I am from this game will feature 37 running plays up the middle in a row, a belief that the use of the forward pass is a sign of socialism and a final score of 9 - 6.
Chick-fil-A Bowl: Virginia Tech vs. Tennessee: Why isn’t this game the Peach Bowl? I don’t ask for much out of my bowl games. A few interesting matchups, a halftime salute to Jazzercise and a Peach Bowl is all I want. Is that too much to ask? There is only one thing that can make my life complete and that is the Peach Bowl. (Smiles…)
Anyway, for those of you with no desire to go out and deal with people on New Year’s Eve this is the game for you. Two good teams or at least a good team and a Tennessee team coached by an absolute prick, which makes for good television at least. Also, by the second quarter you’ll be so sick of the commercials that you will want to go out with a hacksaw and take down a cow. Make that your new holiday tradition. As opposed to drowning your sorrows at home alone go to the nearest farm brandishing weaponry while screaming “I’m sick of eating chicken, damnit!”
Just remember to be in bed in time for the early matchups. Tomorrow we look at what to watch while hung over and / or explaining to police officers precisely what you did the night before.
December 28
AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl: Texas A+M vs. Georgia: I never thought that I would see a day where a bowl game had a better name than the legendary “Poulan Weed Eater Independence Bowl.” However, the AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl may actually beat it solely because I have no idea what AdvoCare is or what the V100 refers to. At least I always knew that if I ever needed to buy a weed eater I would certainly choose a Poulan. Here all I know if ever faced with a need to purchase AdvoCare the smart choice is to go with V100. You know how bad it is? I can’t even find a reference to the company in Wikipedia.
As for the game this looks to be a good match up on paper at least. Both teams underachieved a bit but you can at least expect some solid play. At a minimum it is a matchup of two storied programs who seldom get a chance to play each other, which is the entire point of bowl games anyway.
December 29
EagleBank Bowl: Temple vs. UCLA / Army: Ok, here is the explanation on this one. See, the college football season isn’t over yet since we still have the Army – Navy game on Saturday. If Army wins then they are bowl eligible and play in this game. If Navy wins then UCLA gets the right to travel to DC for the game. Personally, I propose the formation of UCLArmy for this game just so we can have a team whose mascot is a bear holding a rifle. That would be the most kick ass mascot ever. However, this is all distracting us from the most important aspect of this game: the realization that Temple has a football team. Seriously, they really do. Helmets and pads and the whole nine yards. Actually, the whole ten yards given that they made it to a bowl game.
Champs Sports Bowl: Miami vs. Wisconsin: Miami is the second team in this preview that got screwed over by Bobby Bowden. It’s incredible that Florida State’s best move to get a good bowl game this year was to force their coach to retire as opposed to, I don’t know, win a game. This is one of those bowls featuring two teams that you really want to see play facing each other in a bowl sponsored by that bad sports bar in the mall that you have never, ever stepped foot in. You know, the one whose entire business model seems to consist of knowing that guys who are forced to shop with their wives will at some point get so desperate to escape that they’ll run in for an overpriced beer and some potato skins. Anyway, another classic matchup as you have the speed and explosiveness of streetwise Miami going up against the lumbering and powerful cheeseladen Wisconsin. I suggest follow one of my golden rules of gambling “Never bet on cheese.”
December 30
Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl: Bowling Green vs. Idaho: Every year the following scene plays out on two college campuses. “Congratulations team, we’ve been selected to play in a bowl game! (Team cheers) In Boise, Idaho! (Team groans and wonders if they can pull the Notre Dame move and excuse themselves from playing.” This is even worse for the kids from Idaho who finally have a chance to play football somewhere nice but instead are forced to stay in Idaho and play on blue turf in a game whose title is an oxymoron. I have wondered for years how being a humanitarian and trying to inflict a concussion on your opponent go hand in hand. I’m cheering for Bowling Green because Neko Case did a cover of that old song on her first album.
Pacific Life Holiday Bowl: Arizona vs. Nebraska: There is one general rule to the bowl season. If you are going to watch one pre-January bowl game make it the Holiday Bowl. Year in and year out this is the game that features the best teams, players and finishes. I believe that two years ago Jim Brown made a fourth quarter comeback to lead Syracuse to victory over the Minnesota State Screaming Eagles despite the best work of Dauber Dybinski on the sidelines. Watch just to see Suh from Nebraska just destroy every single person who stands in his way. I haven’t seen a beast of a defensive lineman like him in a long time. He should be the number one pick in the draft in April.
December 31
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl: Houston vs. Air Force: Bit of a toss up here. The game is being played in Forth Worth, thus giving Houston a bit of a home field advantage. However, not only is this the Armed Forces Bowl but it is sponsored by a helicopter manufacturer which has to at least even things out for Air Force. (Side note: As a fan am I expected to think while watching this game, “Do you know what I need to pick up? A helicopter.” Just curious.) It is nice to know that with an Army win on Saturday all three service academies will be in bowl games. (Second side note: The game is played in Amon G. Carter Stadium and you know what, you just don’t see enough kids with the named Amon around anymore. Or Edna for that matter.) Be a patriot and cheer for Air Force.
Brut Sun Bowl: Oklahoma vs. Stanford: The game brought you by Faberge. Good old Brut, the cologne for teenagers who want to smell like ass. Outside of the green bottle version of Polo no cologne has been abused more by teenage boys hoping to score than Brut, which might be the logic behind the sponsorship. This year we have Oklahoma, a team that has been dead in the water ever since Sam Bradford had his arm ripped from his body similar to that of the Wampa in Empire Strikes Back, going up against Stanford, a school that can’t afford an official mascot or an “s” on the end of their nickname. Despite my hatred of their band I am pulling for Stanford as I am a big fan of Jim Harbaugh and would love to have him on the ND sidelines. He won’t take the job though as one more year of Rich Rod screwing Michigan will let Jim be able to come home to his old school as a returning hero.
Texas Bowl: Navy vs. Missouri: You would think that in the entire state of Texas you would be able to find a sponsor. At least call it “The Don’t Mess with Texas Bowl” or “If we had our way, the Independent Nation of Texas Bowl.” Give me something to work with here. Anyway, I am proud to say that I was there the last time Notre Dame beat Navy, which is a bit of an accomplishment. A sad accomplishment but an accomplishment nonetheless. I do love watching Navy play as you have a bunch of dedicated and determined guys running a set offense and just daring the other team to stop them. Mizzou is…about a two hour drive from KC. You’d think I’d know more but I really don’t. I mainly focused on Kansas football because the sheer size of Mark Mangino brought all the attention towards him due to gravity alone.
Insight Bowl: Minnesota vs. Iowa State: Have to love a bowl game named for a vague psychological concept. This should be followed by either the Drunken Recognition Bowl or the Regret Bowl. This is a classic rivalry between two states that can’t stand each other. Or so I suppose. It is probably more of a matter of passive aggressive politeness where the governors make offhand comments on the relative merits of the state flags. Minnesota fans will be asking about the corn harvest while Iowa State fans will be inquiring about the snowfall this year. That is Midwest smack talk for you. Like all games featuring teams from where I am from this game will feature 37 running plays up the middle in a row, a belief that the use of the forward pass is a sign of socialism and a final score of 9 - 6.
Chick-fil-A Bowl: Virginia Tech vs. Tennessee: Why isn’t this game the Peach Bowl? I don’t ask for much out of my bowl games. A few interesting matchups, a halftime salute to Jazzercise and a Peach Bowl is all I want. Is that too much to ask? There is only one thing that can make my life complete and that is the Peach Bowl. (Smiles…)
Anyway, for those of you with no desire to go out and deal with people on New Year’s Eve this is the game for you. Two good teams or at least a good team and a Tennessee team coached by an absolute prick, which makes for good television at least. Also, by the second quarter you’ll be so sick of the commercials that you will want to go out with a hacksaw and take down a cow. Make that your new holiday tradition. As opposed to drowning your sorrows at home alone go to the nearest farm brandishing weaponry while screaming “I’m sick of eating chicken, damnit!”
Just remember to be in bed in time for the early matchups. Tomorrow we look at what to watch while hung over and / or explaining to police officers precisely what you did the night before.
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
2009 Bowl Preview: Part One
It’s time for one of Battling the Current’s favorite holiday traditions: the breakdown of every single bowl game in chronological order. The pageantry, the spectacle, the schools from non-existent states! Let’s get to it. Tonight, the games through December 27th also known as “The games for the teams whose season sucked but didn’t suck bad enough that it didn’t warrant one more game to show just how sucky they are.”
December 19
New Mexico Bowl: Fresno State vs. Wyoming: Sigh. I am sitting here in my Illini sweatshirt typing about a Fresno State team that beat Illinois on a last second two point conversion that was scored by a lineman. That pretty much sums up Illinois athletics for you. Well, that and the fact that Wyoming, a state with like five people in it, can qualify for a bowl game and we can’t. Little known fact: the New Mexico Bowl is actually played in Jacksonville.
St. Petersburg Bowl: Central Florida vs. Rutgers: You know you are playing in a bad bowl game when it doesn’t even have a sponsor. They lost their sponsor from last year (Magicjack) after that company went under due to great confusion as to whether they were a phone company or a personal lubricant. I’m really curious that if you replaced this event with a monster truck rally if that would draw more fans to the Tropicana Dome.
December 20
R + L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: Southern Miss vs. Middle Tennessee State: Our first directional matchup and you have to give the edge to Southern Miss as they make up half the state as opposed to only a third for Middle Tennessee. They will also be buoyed by the appearance of famous alum Brett Favre. Not that he will be at the game mind you but he is anticipated to extremely drunk on Bourbon Street at kickoff. Also, anticipate one reference to a running back as being “A great carrier just like our friends at R + L.”
December 22
Maaco Las Vegas Bowl: Oregon State vs. BYU: I have been doing this preview for four years and in every single one BYU has played in Las Vegas. I am officially out of Mormons in Las Vegas jokes. No more “going through the drive-thru chapel five times in a row”, no more “gambling at the change machine” and no more “creating an O’Douls fountain.” And do you know why? Because we have a Beaver sighting in Las Vegas! Yes, the Beavers are going to be on the prowl on the Sunset Strip! I bet no matter where you look there will be Beavers everywhere! Ah, only the inclusion of South Carolina could make this game better.
December 23
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl: Utah vs. Cal: I would hate to be the announcer for this game. Even just saying “Poinsettia Bowl” repeatedly is bad as you will constantly mispronounce it. But do you have to give props to the entire credit union? Also, this is consistently the weirdest bowl sponsorship. I understand Maaco sponsoring a bowl, they are a nationwide brand. This sponsorship can help bring in business only to those people who are both football fans and live in San Diego County. Somehow I don’t think the Utah fan base falls in the center of that Venn diagram. All I know about these two teams Cal is that their star player is out after a concussion that nearly killed him and that Utah is most likely coached by Rick Majerus. I just assume that all Utah squads are coached by Rick Majerus.
December 24
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: Nevada vs. SMU: Well, last year this is where the Irish ended up. This year we have a Nevada team that ND destroyed in its first game and an SMU team that had its entire football program suspended not too long ago. Not that I am bitter or anything. What makes this game interesting is the schools lose money by playing in it due to travel costs but the players love it as their reward for an up and down season is a week in Hawaii. I’m cheering for SMU just because I would like to see that program keep moving in a positive direction.
December 26
Little Caesars Pizza Bowl: Marshall vs. Ohio: Show of hands, would anyone be willing to eat a Little Caesars Pizza Bowl? That is what I thought. If it is anything like those Domino’s Pizza pasta bowls I would expect it to come with defibulator pads. I think that it is fair to say that this is the most boring matchup of all the bowls made even worse by the fact that it is being played in Detroit. To make it more interesting I propose that Marshall be coached by Matthew McConnaghy and that Marshall from How I Met Your Mother be allowed to play quarterback. The role of Ohio can be played by the Cleveland Browns.
Meineke Car Care Bowl: Pitt vs. North Carolina: God, did Pitt get screwed in the bowl game shakeout. They were a minute away from being in a BCS game and instead end up playing in Charlotte on the day after Christmas. That seems really unfair and it is all Bobby Bowden’s fault but more on that later. I will say that this is the first game that I can see myself watching for a reason other than trying to avoid talking to my family during the holidays. As much as it pains me to say it Waanstadt has put together a good program at Pitt and their freshman running back is just insanely good. Plus we will get lines like “The Pitt defense has really muffled the Tar Heels tonight” so that is always a good sign.
Emerald Bowl: Boston College vs. USC: I’m not sure Pete Carroll knows what the Emerald Bowl is. Heck, I doubt he even knew that they played bowl games in December. Can’t say that I don’t feel a little schadenfreude at this development until I realize that they beat us by seven in a game that wasn’t even that close. Another game that should be pretty fun to watch as BC can put together a good game and I have a feeling that USC might pack it in at this point. Always bet against big name teams in bad bowl games. The kids never come to play.
December 27
Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl: Kentucky vs. Clemson: Hey Beavis, he said Gaylord. On the plus side the Kentucky fans should be able to make it to Nashville for the game as they drive down in their trucks with Grandma in the back like in the Beverly Hillbillies while swigging out of jugs with XXX written on the side. (Note: Preceding reference also applicable if Kentucky is replaced by West Virginia.) Of all the teams that were great when I was a kid but who simply aren’t now Clemson is the one that saddens me the most. I just think college football would be better with a great Clemson squad decked out in orange just destroying everyone who got in their way. Sadly, the rise of the SEC really screwed with their recruiting.
Tomorrow, the rest of the December games.
December 19
New Mexico Bowl: Fresno State vs. Wyoming: Sigh. I am sitting here in my Illini sweatshirt typing about a Fresno State team that beat Illinois on a last second two point conversion that was scored by a lineman. That pretty much sums up Illinois athletics for you. Well, that and the fact that Wyoming, a state with like five people in it, can qualify for a bowl game and we can’t. Little known fact: the New Mexico Bowl is actually played in Jacksonville.
St. Petersburg Bowl: Central Florida vs. Rutgers: You know you are playing in a bad bowl game when it doesn’t even have a sponsor. They lost their sponsor from last year (Magicjack) after that company went under due to great confusion as to whether they were a phone company or a personal lubricant. I’m really curious that if you replaced this event with a monster truck rally if that would draw more fans to the Tropicana Dome.
December 20
R + L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: Southern Miss vs. Middle Tennessee State: Our first directional matchup and you have to give the edge to Southern Miss as they make up half the state as opposed to only a third for Middle Tennessee. They will also be buoyed by the appearance of famous alum Brett Favre. Not that he will be at the game mind you but he is anticipated to extremely drunk on Bourbon Street at kickoff. Also, anticipate one reference to a running back as being “A great carrier just like our friends at R + L.”
December 22
Maaco Las Vegas Bowl: Oregon State vs. BYU: I have been doing this preview for four years and in every single one BYU has played in Las Vegas. I am officially out of Mormons in Las Vegas jokes. No more “going through the drive-thru chapel five times in a row”, no more “gambling at the change machine” and no more “creating an O’Douls fountain.” And do you know why? Because we have a Beaver sighting in Las Vegas! Yes, the Beavers are going to be on the prowl on the Sunset Strip! I bet no matter where you look there will be Beavers everywhere! Ah, only the inclusion of South Carolina could make this game better.
December 23
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl: Utah vs. Cal: I would hate to be the announcer for this game. Even just saying “Poinsettia Bowl” repeatedly is bad as you will constantly mispronounce it. But do you have to give props to the entire credit union? Also, this is consistently the weirdest bowl sponsorship. I understand Maaco sponsoring a bowl, they are a nationwide brand. This sponsorship can help bring in business only to those people who are both football fans and live in San Diego County. Somehow I don’t think the Utah fan base falls in the center of that Venn diagram. All I know about these two teams Cal is that their star player is out after a concussion that nearly killed him and that Utah is most likely coached by Rick Majerus. I just assume that all Utah squads are coached by Rick Majerus.
December 24
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: Nevada vs. SMU: Well, last year this is where the Irish ended up. This year we have a Nevada team that ND destroyed in its first game and an SMU team that had its entire football program suspended not too long ago. Not that I am bitter or anything. What makes this game interesting is the schools lose money by playing in it due to travel costs but the players love it as their reward for an up and down season is a week in Hawaii. I’m cheering for SMU just because I would like to see that program keep moving in a positive direction.
December 26
Little Caesars Pizza Bowl: Marshall vs. Ohio: Show of hands, would anyone be willing to eat a Little Caesars Pizza Bowl? That is what I thought. If it is anything like those Domino’s Pizza pasta bowls I would expect it to come with defibulator pads. I think that it is fair to say that this is the most boring matchup of all the bowls made even worse by the fact that it is being played in Detroit. To make it more interesting I propose that Marshall be coached by Matthew McConnaghy and that Marshall from How I Met Your Mother be allowed to play quarterback. The role of Ohio can be played by the Cleveland Browns.
Meineke Car Care Bowl: Pitt vs. North Carolina: God, did Pitt get screwed in the bowl game shakeout. They were a minute away from being in a BCS game and instead end up playing in Charlotte on the day after Christmas. That seems really unfair and it is all Bobby Bowden’s fault but more on that later. I will say that this is the first game that I can see myself watching for a reason other than trying to avoid talking to my family during the holidays. As much as it pains me to say it Waanstadt has put together a good program at Pitt and their freshman running back is just insanely good. Plus we will get lines like “The Pitt defense has really muffled the Tar Heels tonight” so that is always a good sign.
Emerald Bowl: Boston College vs. USC: I’m not sure Pete Carroll knows what the Emerald Bowl is. Heck, I doubt he even knew that they played bowl games in December. Can’t say that I don’t feel a little schadenfreude at this development until I realize that they beat us by seven in a game that wasn’t even that close. Another game that should be pretty fun to watch as BC can put together a good game and I have a feeling that USC might pack it in at this point. Always bet against big name teams in bad bowl games. The kids never come to play.
December 27
Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl: Kentucky vs. Clemson: Hey Beavis, he said Gaylord. On the plus side the Kentucky fans should be able to make it to Nashville for the game as they drive down in their trucks with Grandma in the back like in the Beverly Hillbillies while swigging out of jugs with XXX written on the side. (Note: Preceding reference also applicable if Kentucky is replaced by West Virginia.) Of all the teams that were great when I was a kid but who simply aren’t now Clemson is the one that saddens me the most. I just think college football would be better with a great Clemson squad decked out in orange just destroying everyone who got in their way. Sadly, the rise of the SEC really screwed with their recruiting.
Tomorrow, the rest of the December games.
Monday, December 07, 2009
My kingdom for a coach
For those of you scoring at home, the Tiger Woods Skank-O-Meter is now up to 10 including our first porn star. I’m surprised that it has taken this long for someone from the, uh, “entertainment” industry to appear on the list. This does make it easier to cast the porn version of the story, though.
Also, for those people who are up in arms about the Tiger Wood sketch on Saturday Night Live you are missing the point. If you are going to complain, complain about the fact that given the best setup ever they still wrote an unfunny sketch. People are making a big deal that the sketch made life of spousal abuse (implying that Elin beat up Tiger, which is most likely true.) Ok, in a land of political correctness that is probably not a proper topic but since when is comedy supposed to be politically correct? The vengeful Swedish supermodel wrapping a golf club around his skull isn’t in bad taste; it is freaking hysterical.
What is striking me more now given the fact that Elin is being rumored to be moving out is that this all seems to have come as a complete surprise to her. I find it interesting in that I know that in some celebrity / athlete relationships that there is at least some degree of acceptance that cheating will occur. I in no way condone this but often it is the case. But on this one Tiger seemed to try to have his perfect marriage with everything else on the side and if that is the case I can’t say that I am sorry to see it all blow up in his face.
Random Thought of the Day: Why don’t we see any Gallagher specials anymore? Have we reached the point where destroying watermelons with a hammer is no longer funny? It is a sad day for society if that is the case.
I’ll end it tonight by speaking on some of the Notre Dame rumors. I’m still silently pulling for Bob Stoops though I doubt it will happen. I feel that in order to get a coach from a top program that coach will have to be a big enough prick to want to be able to have “rebuilt Notre Dame” on his resume for pride’s sake alone and Stoops seems to be a big enough douche to want that. Still don’t think it will happen. We might get Kelly from Cincy though I’ve watched that team the last two weeks and haven’t seen anything special yet. I’d rather get Harbaugh just because I like the guy.
Tate and Claussen are going pro and I can’t really blame either of them. After seeing Sam Bradford lose this entire year, and a few million, to injuries I can see why Claussen should get going while the going is good. The biggest knock on Tate’s game is his height and unless the new coach has some way of improving that I would test the draft as well.
Finally, on Weis’ comments on Pete Carroll. I mean, I don’t like the guy but I wouldn’t just toss allegations of him cheating on his wife out there. I mean, you should walk in his shoes first, which Charlie will be able to do once he wins a national championship and coaches a few Heisman winners.
Coming tomorrow: The bowl preview begins!!!
Also, for those people who are up in arms about the Tiger Wood sketch on Saturday Night Live you are missing the point. If you are going to complain, complain about the fact that given the best setup ever they still wrote an unfunny sketch. People are making a big deal that the sketch made life of spousal abuse (implying that Elin beat up Tiger, which is most likely true.) Ok, in a land of political correctness that is probably not a proper topic but since when is comedy supposed to be politically correct? The vengeful Swedish supermodel wrapping a golf club around his skull isn’t in bad taste; it is freaking hysterical.
What is striking me more now given the fact that Elin is being rumored to be moving out is that this all seems to have come as a complete surprise to her. I find it interesting in that I know that in some celebrity / athlete relationships that there is at least some degree of acceptance that cheating will occur. I in no way condone this but often it is the case. But on this one Tiger seemed to try to have his perfect marriage with everything else on the side and if that is the case I can’t say that I am sorry to see it all blow up in his face.
Random Thought of the Day: Why don’t we see any Gallagher specials anymore? Have we reached the point where destroying watermelons with a hammer is no longer funny? It is a sad day for society if that is the case.
I’ll end it tonight by speaking on some of the Notre Dame rumors. I’m still silently pulling for Bob Stoops though I doubt it will happen. I feel that in order to get a coach from a top program that coach will have to be a big enough prick to want to be able to have “rebuilt Notre Dame” on his resume for pride’s sake alone and Stoops seems to be a big enough douche to want that. Still don’t think it will happen. We might get Kelly from Cincy though I’ve watched that team the last two weeks and haven’t seen anything special yet. I’d rather get Harbaugh just because I like the guy.
Tate and Claussen are going pro and I can’t really blame either of them. After seeing Sam Bradford lose this entire year, and a few million, to injuries I can see why Claussen should get going while the going is good. The biggest knock on Tate’s game is his height and unless the new coach has some way of improving that I would test the draft as well.
Finally, on Weis’ comments on Pete Carroll. I mean, I don’t like the guy but I wouldn’t just toss allegations of him cheating on his wife out there. I mean, you should walk in his shoes first, which Charlie will be able to do once he wins a national championship and coaches a few Heisman winners.
Coming tomorrow: The bowl preview begins!!!
Sunday, December 06, 2009
Delaware: Boredom Personified
Best Videos of the Decade: This is going to be a quick post tonight as I just got back from the airport. Much of my life is now spent in airports, which is not too surprising after you realize that I live in Delaware. I recently read a list of twenty famous people from Delaware and Judge Reinhold was on the list. That is how sad this state is. Judge Reinhold shouldn’t be able to make a list of the top twenty people named Judge Reinhold.
Anyway, on the music video front let’s turn to another band that was able to use music videos to make people notice that they are a kick ass groups. This is the video that turned me on to the White Stripes mainly because I had no idea exactly how they did this. Seriously, they may actually have done it all with Legos or they could have used computer graphics but I don’t really care because it just looks so awesome. And it plays into the song as well.
More stuff tomorrow. Right now I just feel like taking a nap.
The five random CDs for the week:
1) Pearl Jam “Vitalogy”
2) Tiny Town “Tiny Town”
3) Lucinda Williams “World Without Tears”
4) Waco Brothers “WacoWorld”
5) Son Volt “Straightaways”
Thursday, December 03, 2009
Frosty is Legendary
Ok, if this isn’t the most awesome thing you see all day then that means either a) you are having a really awesome day or b) you are Neil Patrick Harris. This proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that everything, and I mean everything, is made better by the inclusion of Neil Patrick Harris.
Also, congrats to long time blog fave and vague acquaintance Neko Case on her two Grammy nominations today. Middle Cyclone was a killer album and she deserved the recognition for it. She gets added to a surprisingly decent sized list of people I’ve met who have gone on to some actual fame. Ok, not cover of US Weekly fame but at least famous enough to be nominated for shiny award statues.
I’m still following the Tiger Woods story if only to see what other reality stars are caught up in the mix. Oh what I would give for a way to get Tila Tequila involved in this. It would be the ultimate connection between my love of sports and my love of really bad reality shows. Anyway, the focus now is on the prenup agreement (see, always listen to Kanye) and what additional money may be headed Elin’s way. Apparently cheating sets up some sort of incentive bonus structure where simply not getting divorced will earn her tens of millions of dollars. So at this point she is being paid to be an actress, which actually ties to a point that I wanted to make.
Again people are still raising this issue as to whether this should be news or is it a private matter. I still point to the fact that Tiger is a billion dollar brand for being a man who can hit a small ball better than other people. Hitting a small ball does not equate to a billion dollars of income. That money is the cost of fame for the loss of privacy. Here is my example.
The cast of Friends each received roughly a million dollars an episode at one point. 6 friends times 25 episodes gives us $150 million dollars to do a job that isn’t technically that difficult. Yes, acting is challenging I know but I bet you could walk down the street in LA and find six other attractive people who would do the show for a thousand dollars a week and would not get incredibly fat over the course of a season like Matthew Perry. So here is my question, if I told you I was going to replace the cast of Friends with random actors who would work for a grand a week what would you contribute to the cause to keep the original cast?
At its peak, Friends averaged 25 million viewers a week. Every single one of those would need to donate $600 to keep the cast members on the air. The math just doesn’t add up. You can’t justify what you are paying the actors for what they are versus a cheaper equivalent. So what are you paying them for?
You’re paying them to deal with being famous. You are paying Matthew Perry to deal with the fact that pricks like me are going to spend a decade cracking jokes about him getting fat and having an issue with prescription meds. You are paying Courtney Cox to accept the fact that for some reason people will care about what clothes she is wearing to the mall. This fame and attention is all tied to the show. Since Friends has gone off the air have you seen any tabloid articles on Lisa Kudrow? Yes, Jennifer Aniston gets media play still but that is due to her former marriage to Brad Pitt. She is still caught up in Brad’s price of fame, made even worse because she isn’t getting anything for it.
When you become a celebrity you lose your privacy. It is part of the deal. That is what you are being paid for. I’m not saying that it is fair or even ethical but those are the rules of the game and you have to learn to live by them.
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
Tiger and the Tool Academy
People ask me all the time for relationship advice. I have one and only one rule. If you are going to cheat on your significant other do not do so with someone who has appeared on VH-1’s Tool Academy. If you have decided to hook up with someone who couldn’t even make the Rock of Love Bus then you have significant issues.
(Actually my only rule is don’t cheat. Ever.)
So in a story that I predicted days ago we finally get confirmation that Tiger Woods cheated on his Swedish model wife with various castoffs from reality shows. There are so many angles to this story that I am not sure I even know where to begin. I’m just going to hit on certain points as I see fit.
First off, did Tiger’s statement read a little stand offish to you? It was nice to see that he came forward regarding the allegations even though he never stated what those allegations were. Even more so, while he publically apologized to his family and his fans he stated that he felt that this was a private matter that did not require a public apology, which is a rather strange sentiment to take in a public apology. I have no doubt that his apology is sincere in the sense that he is admitting his wrongdoing. He just feels that it does not need to be in the court of public opinion.
This brings up the point about privacy and whether or not this should be a news story to which my response is: of course it is a news story. I know that people are viewing Tiger as a golfer and a celebrity and that marital infidelities do not warrant full media coverage. Except that Tiger is not a celebrity, he is a billion dollar brand. That is not hyperbole, Tiger is expected to be the first athlete to earn a billion dollars and it is not going to be from golf tournaments. It is from endorsements and sponsorships that all stem from the Tiger Woods image of excellence and perfection and a clean cut, family man image. This isn’t Fred Funk we are talking about, who no one would recognize on the street. This is one of the ten most famous people in the world. His entire life is fair game. That is what the money for endorsements is for. You are trading your privacy for cash.
(And for at least a little perspective, Phil Mickelson’s wife being diagnosed with breast cancer was also a news story. Not as much coverage of course but it shows a precedent for a private matter becoming public record.)
Tiger’s image is going to take a significant hit. It won’t ruin his advertising career (if Kobe Bryant can have a best selling jersey then I think Tiger can recover) but it will definitely make him much more human and maybe not in a good way. The stories just seem to remove the nice guy image. Having an affair when your wife is seven months pregnant just makes you a complete jerk and that is the nicest language one can use. I’m sure many people would have much more colorful sentiments to add. His voice mail cover up message to the Tool Academy alumni doesn’t help his cause either. It all just makes him look like a douche and a prick.
Why did he do it? I bet he just wanted to see if he can. I don’t think he cared about consequences at all. At some point when you have so much money, so much fame you begin to think that you live under a different set of rules. Sometimes you do things just because you can without thinking about the result. It happens all the time and when it does, well, someone ends up with half your stuff.
(Also, in the biggest story that got overlooked today Meredith Baxter announced that she is a lesbian. I have been awaiting Skippy’s response on the matter, or at a minimum a Tina Yothers sighting, but so far the blogosphere has been rather quiet. I don’t know if Meredith is happy or pissed as hell about the Tiger story. For years you are holding this secret and when you finally let it be known to the world who you truly are in two hours the story is forgotten because of a golfer. Just doesn’t seem fair, does it?
Oh, and we’re invading Afghanistan or something. It’s probably not important.)
Best Videos of the Decade: One of the nice things about living in the YouTube age is that killer videos no longer need to be million dollar spectacles. We have finally gotten past the age of the mini-movie especially now that Mr. Jackson is no longer with us. Now all you need to be popular is a video camera and a cute idea. Enter Ok Go, a band that is only known because they are quirky. Here is where simplicity and popularity meet.
(Actually my only rule is don’t cheat. Ever.)
So in a story that I predicted days ago we finally get confirmation that Tiger Woods cheated on his Swedish model wife with various castoffs from reality shows. There are so many angles to this story that I am not sure I even know where to begin. I’m just going to hit on certain points as I see fit.
First off, did Tiger’s statement read a little stand offish to you? It was nice to see that he came forward regarding the allegations even though he never stated what those allegations were. Even more so, while he publically apologized to his family and his fans he stated that he felt that this was a private matter that did not require a public apology, which is a rather strange sentiment to take in a public apology. I have no doubt that his apology is sincere in the sense that he is admitting his wrongdoing. He just feels that it does not need to be in the court of public opinion.
This brings up the point about privacy and whether or not this should be a news story to which my response is: of course it is a news story. I know that people are viewing Tiger as a golfer and a celebrity and that marital infidelities do not warrant full media coverage. Except that Tiger is not a celebrity, he is a billion dollar brand. That is not hyperbole, Tiger is expected to be the first athlete to earn a billion dollars and it is not going to be from golf tournaments. It is from endorsements and sponsorships that all stem from the Tiger Woods image of excellence and perfection and a clean cut, family man image. This isn’t Fred Funk we are talking about, who no one would recognize on the street. This is one of the ten most famous people in the world. His entire life is fair game. That is what the money for endorsements is for. You are trading your privacy for cash.
(And for at least a little perspective, Phil Mickelson’s wife being diagnosed with breast cancer was also a news story. Not as much coverage of course but it shows a precedent for a private matter becoming public record.)
Tiger’s image is going to take a significant hit. It won’t ruin his advertising career (if Kobe Bryant can have a best selling jersey then I think Tiger can recover) but it will definitely make him much more human and maybe not in a good way. The stories just seem to remove the nice guy image. Having an affair when your wife is seven months pregnant just makes you a complete jerk and that is the nicest language one can use. I’m sure many people would have much more colorful sentiments to add. His voice mail cover up message to the Tool Academy alumni doesn’t help his cause either. It all just makes him look like a douche and a prick.
Why did he do it? I bet he just wanted to see if he can. I don’t think he cared about consequences at all. At some point when you have so much money, so much fame you begin to think that you live under a different set of rules. Sometimes you do things just because you can without thinking about the result. It happens all the time and when it does, well, someone ends up with half your stuff.
(Also, in the biggest story that got overlooked today Meredith Baxter announced that she is a lesbian. I have been awaiting Skippy’s response on the matter, or at a minimum a Tina Yothers sighting, but so far the blogosphere has been rather quiet. I don’t know if Meredith is happy or pissed as hell about the Tiger story. For years you are holding this secret and when you finally let it be known to the world who you truly are in two hours the story is forgotten because of a golfer. Just doesn’t seem fair, does it?
Oh, and we’re invading Afghanistan or something. It’s probably not important.)
Best Videos of the Decade: One of the nice things about living in the YouTube age is that killer videos no longer need to be million dollar spectacles. We have finally gotten past the age of the mini-movie especially now that Mr. Jackson is no longer with us. Now all you need to be popular is a video camera and a cute idea. Enter Ok Go, a band that is only known because they are quirky. Here is where simplicity and popularity meet.
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
Christmas Shopping Guide 2009
It’s December and we all know what that means: time to stimulate the economy by shopping. Tonight I will be bringing you some of the must have toys of the season. Remember parents, if you do not have these under the tree on Christmas morning it means that your children will grow up hating you and will spend their entire adult telling their therapist how detached you were until they decide to put you in the low-end nursing home. No pressure though.
Zhu Zhu Hamsters: I always love it when the must have toy of the year is dumber than anything that I wanted as a kid. No one could ever fault my desire for the Death Star playset but you have to wonder why we all needed to have a Sit and Spin. It was the only toy that was less exciting than just spinning yourself in a circle really fast until you got dizzy. But even that looks like the epoch of toy making when compared to robot hamsters.
Yes, the top toy of the season are robot hamsters with individual personalities such as the one who likes to eat, which is rather disconcerting given that it is a robot and therefore doesn’t have to eat. And don’t even get me started on the laidback, surfer hamster as I believe it breaks the laws of physics. It’s bad enough that we are giving our children a national debt that is unsustainable and a planet that consists mainly of concrete and smog but now we can’t even give them good toys.
(Also, I am so pissed that I did not invent this first. Do you know how many robot animals I have made in my lifetime? Robot squirrels, robot wildebeests, I even made robot bunny rabbits that would actually procreate like, well, rabbits. I thought they would teach kids the importance of spaying and neutering.)
DJ Hero: From the makers of Guitar Hero (where people with absolutely no talent get to act like they can play guitar and pretend to be famous, much like Sleater – Kinney) and Band Hero (where in addition to guitar you can clumsily play bass and drums while singing off key all while professing your immense talent, which is surprisingly also like Sleater – Kinney) comes this latest edition in the fake being a musician line of titles. Except that you are faking being a musician who fakes being a musician. Yes, no longer do you need the skill of choosing a record and pressing play to be a DJ. Now those songs are chosen for you. This is roughly the musical version of Excel Hero.
Nerf N-Strike: When I was a wee lad Nerf provided you with a number of ball related toys. You had the Nerf football, which allowed you to play football in the yard easier with the added bonus that it did not hurt quite as much when it was whipped at you out of spite. You also had the Nerf basketball and rim, high on my list of my personal favorites due to the endless bedroom dunkathons and one of my mom’s least favorite toys as she had to deal with four boys who decided to turn their upstairs bedrooms into the Chicago Stadium. But now Nerf has apparently decided to branch out and become an international arms dealer.
Seriously, this is a toy gun? This really doesn’t fall into the cops and robbers category. More like “Organized tactical assault on a heavily fortified compound.” I’m not sure that seven year olds need to be trained as to how to properly operate chain loaded machine guns. Though as an adult I have to say I so want one of these.
Transformers Constructicon Devastator: Yes, I have reached the age where my past is being mined for children’s toys. In this case we have a reimagining of the Constructicons: Five Decpeticons who hide out as construction machines until they transform Voltron style to form the mighty Devastator, who in a rather neat bit of irony can only destroy things. In my time these were little green toy robots who were pretty meaningless by themselves but all sorts of awesome in their combined form. Now, well, it still looks pretty kick ass. I might need another degree in engineering to design it but it still looks kick ass.
Zhu Zhu Hamsters: I always love it when the must have toy of the year is dumber than anything that I wanted as a kid. No one could ever fault my desire for the Death Star playset but you have to wonder why we all needed to have a Sit and Spin. It was the only toy that was less exciting than just spinning yourself in a circle really fast until you got dizzy. But even that looks like the epoch of toy making when compared to robot hamsters.
Yes, the top toy of the season are robot hamsters with individual personalities such as the one who likes to eat, which is rather disconcerting given that it is a robot and therefore doesn’t have to eat. And don’t even get me started on the laidback, surfer hamster as I believe it breaks the laws of physics. It’s bad enough that we are giving our children a national debt that is unsustainable and a planet that consists mainly of concrete and smog but now we can’t even give them good toys.
(Also, I am so pissed that I did not invent this first. Do you know how many robot animals I have made in my lifetime? Robot squirrels, robot wildebeests, I even made robot bunny rabbits that would actually procreate like, well, rabbits. I thought they would teach kids the importance of spaying and neutering.)
DJ Hero: From the makers of Guitar Hero (where people with absolutely no talent get to act like they can play guitar and pretend to be famous, much like Sleater – Kinney) and Band Hero (where in addition to guitar you can clumsily play bass and drums while singing off key all while professing your immense talent, which is surprisingly also like Sleater – Kinney) comes this latest edition in the fake being a musician line of titles. Except that you are faking being a musician who fakes being a musician. Yes, no longer do you need the skill of choosing a record and pressing play to be a DJ. Now those songs are chosen for you. This is roughly the musical version of Excel Hero.
Nerf N-Strike: When I was a wee lad Nerf provided you with a number of ball related toys. You had the Nerf football, which allowed you to play football in the yard easier with the added bonus that it did not hurt quite as much when it was whipped at you out of spite. You also had the Nerf basketball and rim, high on my list of my personal favorites due to the endless bedroom dunkathons and one of my mom’s least favorite toys as she had to deal with four boys who decided to turn their upstairs bedrooms into the Chicago Stadium. But now Nerf has apparently decided to branch out and become an international arms dealer.
Seriously, this is a toy gun? This really doesn’t fall into the cops and robbers category. More like “Organized tactical assault on a heavily fortified compound.” I’m not sure that seven year olds need to be trained as to how to properly operate chain loaded machine guns. Though as an adult I have to say I so want one of these.
Transformers Constructicon Devastator: Yes, I have reached the age where my past is being mined for children’s toys. In this case we have a reimagining of the Constructicons: Five Decpeticons who hide out as construction machines until they transform Voltron style to form the mighty Devastator, who in a rather neat bit of irony can only destroy things. In my time these were little green toy robots who were pretty meaningless by themselves but all sorts of awesome in their combined form. Now, well, it still looks pretty kick ass. I might need another degree in engineering to design it but it still looks kick ass.Monday, November 30, 2009
Life's little annoyances
When you have the same commute every day little things take on a great deal of significance and annoyance. I had a great example of one of these today. I found myself behind a loaner Lexus on a two lane road. This isn’t too big of a deal, it’s nice to know that a dealership will still lend out loaner vehicles, but I noticed that the car had its window wipers on when it wasn’t raining. And continued to have the window wipers on for the entire fifteen minutes that I followed it.
You would not believe how much this upset me. It was even worse than when you follow someone with their turn signal on. Sure, that drives you up the wall but at least you understand how it could happen. We all have left a turn signal on only to notice twenty or thirty seconds later. It is easy to miss. But how the hell can you not notice that your windshield wipers are on? Even in an unfamiliar car it shouldn’t be that difficult to figure out how to turn them off. Given that it is a loaner car it is not as though it should be in bad condition. I just got more pissed off every time I looked through the windshield and saw those blades flip across. Made me wonder how they got their hands on a Lexus in the first place.
Anyway, so we fired Charlie Weis today. That means we won’t have him to kick around anymore, which is kind of a shame since he was a rather large target. My choice to fill his sweatshirt is Mark Mangino. I think we can all agree that our hope of having a talented, inspiring coach on the Notre Dame sideline is pretty much a pipe dream. Instead I think we should just focus on hiring fatter and fatter coaches until TLC dedicates a camera crew to the team to film their “800 pound coach” special. If anyone can explain to me what those shows on hyper-obese people have to do with learning I am all ears. All it teaches me to do is put down the sandwich.
Tiger Woods Update: He will not play in his own tournament and is likely out until the start of next year. Also, one of his friends has stated that he is in the market for a “Kobe special.” I’m guessing that he is going to go shopping at Jared’s. Because what is the 13 letter answer to “What does a guy do after hooking up with a skank in Australia who then brags about it to all of her friends in New York?”
It is interesting to see that other people are picking up on whether or not this should be a story or not. If this is indicative of an affair or spousal abuse does not at the moment impact whether he makes a 20 foot putt. But since Tiger Woods is a billion dollar brand built upon being a squeaky clean image this is a huge story. If John Mallinger had this happen to him it would not even have made the ESPN ticker. Who is John Mallinger? He was the 50th best golfer in the world last year bringing in $1.7 million. Tiger Woods is paid for being a celebrity that is what endorsement dollars are for. In return for those payments you lose the right to privacy. Yes, in a perfect world we would let Tiger sort this out on his own but we all want to see our heroes get dirty. It makes them human.
You would not believe how much this upset me. It was even worse than when you follow someone with their turn signal on. Sure, that drives you up the wall but at least you understand how it could happen. We all have left a turn signal on only to notice twenty or thirty seconds later. It is easy to miss. But how the hell can you not notice that your windshield wipers are on? Even in an unfamiliar car it shouldn’t be that difficult to figure out how to turn them off. Given that it is a loaner car it is not as though it should be in bad condition. I just got more pissed off every time I looked through the windshield and saw those blades flip across. Made me wonder how they got their hands on a Lexus in the first place.
Anyway, so we fired Charlie Weis today. That means we won’t have him to kick around anymore, which is kind of a shame since he was a rather large target. My choice to fill his sweatshirt is Mark Mangino. I think we can all agree that our hope of having a talented, inspiring coach on the Notre Dame sideline is pretty much a pipe dream. Instead I think we should just focus on hiring fatter and fatter coaches until TLC dedicates a camera crew to the team to film their “800 pound coach” special. If anyone can explain to me what those shows on hyper-obese people have to do with learning I am all ears. All it teaches me to do is put down the sandwich.
Tiger Woods Update: He will not play in his own tournament and is likely out until the start of next year. Also, one of his friends has stated that he is in the market for a “Kobe special.” I’m guessing that he is going to go shopping at Jared’s. Because what is the 13 letter answer to “What does a guy do after hooking up with a skank in Australia who then brags about it to all of her friends in New York?”
It is interesting to see that other people are picking up on whether or not this should be a story or not. If this is indicative of an affair or spousal abuse does not at the moment impact whether he makes a 20 foot putt. But since Tiger Woods is a billion dollar brand built upon being a squeaky clean image this is a huge story. If John Mallinger had this happen to him it would not even have made the ESPN ticker. Who is John Mallinger? He was the 50th best golfer in the world last year bringing in $1.7 million. Tiger Woods is paid for being a celebrity that is what endorsement dollars are for. In return for those payments you lose the right to privacy. Yes, in a perfect world we would let Tiger sort this out on his own but we all want to see our heroes get dirty. It makes them human.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Tiger Woods: Threat or Menace?
Time for me to play my favorite pastime: Speculating on events that I know nothing about and in all reality have no impact on my day to day existence. Today’s topic: Tiger Woods.
Let’s start with what we can actually state as facts. On Wednesday the National Enquirer reported a rumor that Tiger Woods had known a 34 year old NYC woman who was not his wife in the biblical sense. Said woman is also well known for spending much of her time pursuing famous people and uh, looking vaguely plastic based on the pictures. (Seriously, she looks like someone who works the afternoon shift at a strip club.) At 2 in the morning on Thanksgiving night Tiger Woods ran his Escalade into a fire hydrant and a tree on his property resulting in a) his wife needing an eight iron to remove him from the car and b) a trip to the hospital for Tiger. Everything else is officially speculation at this point.
Now I will be breaking this down from various angles over the next couple of days as more information comes out. So far our theories are a) this was a simple car accident, b) he was caught cheating on his wife who responded by beating him up, running him out of the house and knocking the back window out of his car causing the accident or c) which is basically b except that he didn’t cheat on his wife. But right now I want to focus on two aspects of what makes this a story because in reality the entire event should be a non-story.
The reason this caught everyone’s attention is because the story broke as “Tiger Woods in car accident and is hospitalized in serious condition.” I mean, they went to John Saunders in the studio during my Illinois – Cincy game to make this known. This made everyone stop and wonder how badly was he injured or how this would impact his golf game. Those words “serious conditions” indicate to most people that while he wasn’t about to die there was a good chance that he was in surgery at the moment, which wasn’t the case at all. When the story broke he was already out of the hospital. If the story was “Tiger Woods in minor car accident, taken to the hospital for facial lacerations and released” no one would really care. If there really is a cover up at play in the background then Tiger should fire his PR person for making this sound much more serious than it actually is.
But this leads us into the other point, which is why do we care about this in the first place? Again, very few people are directly tied to Tiger Woods so his health and safety, while meaningful on a personal level, has no impact on day to day existence. Tiger falls into a rather interesting category though as he has been for around fifteen years now a constant in the media landscape. He is the pinnacle of his sport made even more of a spotlight as in it is a purely solo sport. The camera is always on him during a tournament. Watching the final round of the Masters is essentially like walking the course for four hours with Tiger. Even Jordan did not have that level of detail as there were always other stars on the court at the same time.
Adding to this are his endorsements, which have made him the first billion dollar athlete. The image has always been one of a clean cut, driven and determined athlete. The only flaws to him are that he is too much of a perfectionist but that is played off via his natural humor. He is the perfect pitchman, excellent in his field and on the screen with no baggage looming in the background. So even a minor accident becomes news and tie that with the possibility that our hero may be flawed and this becomes a feeding frenzy. There is nothing we like to do more as a culture than build up our idols and then tear them down when they fail us even if their failures have no impact on our lives.
I’ll keep an eye on the media circus this week. This story has some definite legs to it.
Best Videos of the Decade: For this last month of the year (ok, we aren’t into December yet but the Christmas season is in full swing so go with me) I will be taking some time to highlight some of the best music videos of the decade. Given that this has been the decade that marked the end of MTV as having anything to do with music this may be a little easier than one would think. There still were some excellent examples of art with first and foremost being the video for Johnny Cash’s “Hurt.” If this doesn’t give you chills you officially have no soul.
The five random CDs for the week:
1) The Blake Babies “God Bless the Blake Babies”
2) Keb Mo’ “Keb Mo’”
3) Guster “Lost and Gone Forever”
4) Old Crow Medicine Show “Big Iron World”
5) Pearl Jam “Ten”
Let’s start with what we can actually state as facts. On Wednesday the National Enquirer reported a rumor that Tiger Woods had known a 34 year old NYC woman who was not his wife in the biblical sense. Said woman is also well known for spending much of her time pursuing famous people and uh, looking vaguely plastic based on the pictures. (Seriously, she looks like someone who works the afternoon shift at a strip club.) At 2 in the morning on Thanksgiving night Tiger Woods ran his Escalade into a fire hydrant and a tree on his property resulting in a) his wife needing an eight iron to remove him from the car and b) a trip to the hospital for Tiger. Everything else is officially speculation at this point.
Now I will be breaking this down from various angles over the next couple of days as more information comes out. So far our theories are a) this was a simple car accident, b) he was caught cheating on his wife who responded by beating him up, running him out of the house and knocking the back window out of his car causing the accident or c) which is basically b except that he didn’t cheat on his wife. But right now I want to focus on two aspects of what makes this a story because in reality the entire event should be a non-story.
The reason this caught everyone’s attention is because the story broke as “Tiger Woods in car accident and is hospitalized in serious condition.” I mean, they went to John Saunders in the studio during my Illinois – Cincy game to make this known. This made everyone stop and wonder how badly was he injured or how this would impact his golf game. Those words “serious conditions” indicate to most people that while he wasn’t about to die there was a good chance that he was in surgery at the moment, which wasn’t the case at all. When the story broke he was already out of the hospital. If the story was “Tiger Woods in minor car accident, taken to the hospital for facial lacerations and released” no one would really care. If there really is a cover up at play in the background then Tiger should fire his PR person for making this sound much more serious than it actually is.
But this leads us into the other point, which is why do we care about this in the first place? Again, very few people are directly tied to Tiger Woods so his health and safety, while meaningful on a personal level, has no impact on day to day existence. Tiger falls into a rather interesting category though as he has been for around fifteen years now a constant in the media landscape. He is the pinnacle of his sport made even more of a spotlight as in it is a purely solo sport. The camera is always on him during a tournament. Watching the final round of the Masters is essentially like walking the course for four hours with Tiger. Even Jordan did not have that level of detail as there were always other stars on the court at the same time.
Adding to this are his endorsements, which have made him the first billion dollar athlete. The image has always been one of a clean cut, driven and determined athlete. The only flaws to him are that he is too much of a perfectionist but that is played off via his natural humor. He is the perfect pitchman, excellent in his field and on the screen with no baggage looming in the background. So even a minor accident becomes news and tie that with the possibility that our hero may be flawed and this becomes a feeding frenzy. There is nothing we like to do more as a culture than build up our idols and then tear them down when they fail us even if their failures have no impact on our lives.
I’ll keep an eye on the media circus this week. This story has some definite legs to it.
Best Videos of the Decade: For this last month of the year (ok, we aren’t into December yet but the Christmas season is in full swing so go with me) I will be taking some time to highlight some of the best music videos of the decade. Given that this has been the decade that marked the end of MTV as having anything to do with music this may be a little easier than one would think. There still were some excellent examples of art with first and foremost being the video for Johnny Cash’s “Hurt.” If this doesn’t give you chills you officially have no soul.
The five random CDs for the week:
1) The Blake Babies “God Bless the Blake Babies”
2) Keb Mo’ “Keb Mo’”
3) Guster “Lost and Gone Forever”
4) Old Crow Medicine Show “Big Iron World”
5) Pearl Jam “Ten”
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