2009 Bowl Preview: Part Two

Time for part two of the Battling the Current Bowl Preview Palooza. Tonight we will look at the games from December 28 through the 31st also known as “Games featuring teams you have heard of in bowl games that you wouldn’t spend money to attend because they aren’t in January.” Here we go…

December 28
AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl: Texas A+M vs. Georgia: I never thought that I would see a day where a bowl game had a better name than the legendary “Poulan Weed Eater Independence Bowl.” However, the AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl may actually beat it solely because I have no idea what AdvoCare is or what the V100 refers to. At least I always knew that if I ever needed to buy a weed eater I would certainly choose a Poulan. Here all I know if ever faced with a need to purchase AdvoCare the smart choice is to go with V100. You know how bad it is? I can’t even find a reference to the company in Wikipedia.

As for the game this looks to be a good match up on paper at least. Both teams underachieved a bit but you can at least expect some solid play. At a minimum it is a matchup of two storied programs who seldom get a chance to play each other, which is the entire point of bowl games anyway.

December 29
EagleBank Bowl: Temple vs. UCLA / Army: Ok, here is the explanation on this one. See, the college football season isn’t over yet since we still have the Army – Navy game on Saturday. If Army wins then they are bowl eligible and play in this game. If Navy wins then UCLA gets the right to travel to DC for the game. Personally, I propose the formation of UCLArmy for this game just so we can have a team whose mascot is a bear holding a rifle. That would be the most kick ass mascot ever. However, this is all distracting us from the most important aspect of this game: the realization that Temple has a football team. Seriously, they really do. Helmets and pads and the whole nine yards. Actually, the whole ten yards given that they made it to a bowl game.

Champs Sports Bowl: Miami vs. Wisconsin: Miami is the second team in this preview that got screwed over by Bobby Bowden. It’s incredible that Florida State’s best move to get a good bowl game this year was to force their coach to retire as opposed to, I don’t know, win a game. This is one of those bowls featuring two teams that you really want to see play facing each other in a bowl sponsored by that bad sports bar in the mall that you have never, ever stepped foot in. You know, the one whose entire business model seems to consist of knowing that guys who are forced to shop with their wives will at some point get so desperate to escape that they’ll run in for an overpriced beer and some potato skins. Anyway, another classic matchup as you have the speed and explosiveness of streetwise Miami going up against the lumbering and powerful cheeseladen Wisconsin. I suggest follow one of my golden rules of gambling “Never bet on cheese.”

December 30
Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl: Bowling Green vs. Idaho: Every year the following scene plays out on two college campuses. “Congratulations team, we’ve been selected to play in a bowl game! (Team cheers) In Boise, Idaho! (Team groans and wonders if they can pull the Notre Dame move and excuse themselves from playing.” This is even worse for the kids from Idaho who finally have a chance to play football somewhere nice but instead are forced to stay in Idaho and play on blue turf in a game whose title is an oxymoron. I have wondered for years how being a humanitarian and trying to inflict a concussion on your opponent go hand in hand. I’m cheering for Bowling Green because Neko Case did a cover of that old song on her first album.

Pacific Life Holiday Bowl: Arizona vs. Nebraska: There is one general rule to the bowl season. If you are going to watch one pre-January bowl game make it the Holiday Bowl. Year in and year out this is the game that features the best teams, players and finishes. I believe that two years ago Jim Brown made a fourth quarter comeback to lead Syracuse to victory over the Minnesota State Screaming Eagles despite the best work of Dauber Dybinski on the sidelines. Watch just to see Suh from Nebraska just destroy every single person who stands in his way. I haven’t seen a beast of a defensive lineman like him in a long time. He should be the number one pick in the draft in April.

December 31
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl: Houston vs. Air Force: Bit of a toss up here. The game is being played in Forth Worth, thus giving Houston a bit of a home field advantage. However, not only is this the Armed Forces Bowl but it is sponsored by a helicopter manufacturer which has to at least even things out for Air Force. (Side note: As a fan am I expected to think while watching this game, “Do you know what I need to pick up? A helicopter.” Just curious.) It is nice to know that with an Army win on Saturday all three service academies will be in bowl games. (Second side note: The game is played in Amon G. Carter Stadium and you know what, you just don’t see enough kids with the named Amon around anymore. Or Edna for that matter.) Be a patriot and cheer for Air Force.

Brut Sun Bowl: Oklahoma vs. Stanford: The game brought you by Faberge. Good old Brut, the cologne for teenagers who want to smell like ass. Outside of the green bottle version of Polo no cologne has been abused more by teenage boys hoping to score than Brut, which might be the logic behind the sponsorship. This year we have Oklahoma, a team that has been dead in the water ever since Sam Bradford had his arm ripped from his body similar to that of the Wampa in Empire Strikes Back, going up against Stanford, a school that can’t afford an official mascot or an “s” on the end of their nickname. Despite my hatred of their band I am pulling for Stanford as I am a big fan of Jim Harbaugh and would love to have him on the ND sidelines. He won’t take the job though as one more year of Rich Rod screwing Michigan will let Jim be able to come home to his old school as a returning hero.

Texas Bowl: Navy vs. Missouri: You would think that in the entire state of Texas you would be able to find a sponsor. At least call it “The Don’t Mess with Texas Bowl” or “If we had our way, the Independent Nation of Texas Bowl.” Give me something to work with here. Anyway, I am proud to say that I was there the last time Notre Dame beat Navy, which is a bit of an accomplishment. A sad accomplishment but an accomplishment nonetheless. I do love watching Navy play as you have a bunch of dedicated and determined guys running a set offense and just daring the other team to stop them. Mizzou is…about a two hour drive from KC. You’d think I’d know more but I really don’t. I mainly focused on Kansas football because the sheer size of Mark Mangino brought all the attention towards him due to gravity alone.

Insight Bowl: Minnesota vs. Iowa State: Have to love a bowl game named for a vague psychological concept. This should be followed by either the Drunken Recognition Bowl or the Regret Bowl. This is a classic rivalry between two states that can’t stand each other. Or so I suppose. It is probably more of a matter of passive aggressive politeness where the governors make offhand comments on the relative merits of the state flags. Minnesota fans will be asking about the corn harvest while Iowa State fans will be inquiring about the snowfall this year. That is Midwest smack talk for you. Like all games featuring teams from where I am from this game will feature 37 running plays up the middle in a row, a belief that the use of the forward pass is a sign of socialism and a final score of 9 - 6.

Chick-fil-A Bowl: Virginia Tech vs. Tennessee: Why isn’t this game the Peach Bowl? I don’t ask for much out of my bowl games. A few interesting matchups, a halftime salute to Jazzercise and a Peach Bowl is all I want. Is that too much to ask? There is only one thing that can make my life complete and that is the Peach Bowl. (Smiles…)

Anyway, for those of you with no desire to go out and deal with people on New Year’s Eve this is the game for you. Two good teams or at least a good team and a Tennessee team coached by an absolute prick, which makes for good television at least. Also, by the second quarter you’ll be so sick of the commercials that you will want to go out with a hacksaw and take down a cow. Make that your new holiday tradition. As opposed to drowning your sorrows at home alone go to the nearest farm brandishing weaponry while screaming “I’m sick of eating chicken, damnit!”

Just remember to be in bed in time for the early matchups. Tomorrow we look at what to watch while hung over and / or explaining to police officers precisely what you did the night before.