It’s time for one of Battling the Current’s favorite holiday traditions: the breakdown of every single bowl game in chronological order. The pageantry, the spectacle, the schools from non-existent states! Let’s get to it. Tonight, the games through December 27th also known as “The games for the teams whose season sucked but didn’t suck bad enough that it didn’t warrant one more game to show just how sucky they are.”
December 19
New Mexico Bowl: Fresno State vs. Wyoming: Sigh. I am sitting here in my Illini sweatshirt typing about a Fresno State team that beat Illinois on a last second two point conversion that was scored by a lineman. That pretty much sums up Illinois athletics for you. Well, that and the fact that Wyoming, a state with like five people in it, can qualify for a bowl game and we can’t. Little known fact: the New Mexico Bowl is actually played in Jacksonville.
St. Petersburg Bowl: Central Florida vs. Rutgers: You know you are playing in a bad bowl game when it doesn’t even have a sponsor. They lost their sponsor from last year (Magicjack) after that company went under due to great confusion as to whether they were a phone company or a personal lubricant. I’m really curious that if you replaced this event with a monster truck rally if that would draw more fans to the Tropicana Dome.
December 20
R + L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: Southern Miss vs. Middle Tennessee State: Our first directional matchup and you have to give the edge to Southern Miss as they make up half the state as opposed to only a third for Middle Tennessee. They will also be buoyed by the appearance of famous alum Brett Favre. Not that he will be at the game mind you but he is anticipated to extremely drunk on Bourbon Street at kickoff. Also, anticipate one reference to a running back as being “A great carrier just like our friends at R + L.”
December 22
Maaco Las Vegas Bowl: Oregon State vs. BYU: I have been doing this preview for four years and in every single one BYU has played in Las Vegas. I am officially out of Mormons in Las Vegas jokes. No more “going through the drive-thru chapel five times in a row”, no more “gambling at the change machine” and no more “creating an O’Douls fountain.” And do you know why? Because we have a Beaver sighting in Las Vegas! Yes, the Beavers are going to be on the prowl on the Sunset Strip! I bet no matter where you look there will be Beavers everywhere! Ah, only the inclusion of South Carolina could make this game better.
December 23
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl: Utah vs. Cal: I would hate to be the announcer for this game. Even just saying “Poinsettia Bowl” repeatedly is bad as you will constantly mispronounce it. But do you have to give props to the entire credit union? Also, this is consistently the weirdest bowl sponsorship. I understand Maaco sponsoring a bowl, they are a nationwide brand. This sponsorship can help bring in business only to those people who are both football fans and live in San Diego County. Somehow I don’t think the Utah fan base falls in the center of that Venn diagram. All I know about these two teams Cal is that their star player is out after a concussion that nearly killed him and that Utah is most likely coached by Rick Majerus. I just assume that all Utah squads are coached by Rick Majerus.
December 24
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: Nevada vs. SMU: Well, last year this is where the Irish ended up. This year we have a Nevada team that ND destroyed in its first game and an SMU team that had its entire football program suspended not too long ago. Not that I am bitter or anything. What makes this game interesting is the schools lose money by playing in it due to travel costs but the players love it as their reward for an up and down season is a week in Hawaii. I’m cheering for SMU just because I would like to see that program keep moving in a positive direction.
December 26
Little Caesars Pizza Bowl: Marshall vs. Ohio: Show of hands, would anyone be willing to eat a Little Caesars Pizza Bowl? That is what I thought. If it is anything like those Domino’s Pizza pasta bowls I would expect it to come with defibulator pads. I think that it is fair to say that this is the most boring matchup of all the bowls made even worse by the fact that it is being played in Detroit. To make it more interesting I propose that Marshall be coached by Matthew McConnaghy and that Marshall from How I Met Your Mother be allowed to play quarterback. The role of Ohio can be played by the Cleveland Browns.
Meineke Car Care Bowl: Pitt vs. North Carolina: God, did Pitt get screwed in the bowl game shakeout. They were a minute away from being in a BCS game and instead end up playing in Charlotte on the day after Christmas. That seems really unfair and it is all Bobby Bowden’s fault but more on that later. I will say that this is the first game that I can see myself watching for a reason other than trying to avoid talking to my family during the holidays. As much as it pains me to say it Waanstadt has put together a good program at Pitt and their freshman running back is just insanely good. Plus we will get lines like “The Pitt defense has really muffled the Tar Heels tonight” so that is always a good sign.
Emerald Bowl: Boston College vs. USC: I’m not sure Pete Carroll knows what the Emerald Bowl is. Heck, I doubt he even knew that they played bowl games in December. Can’t say that I don’t feel a little schadenfreude at this development until I realize that they beat us by seven in a game that wasn’t even that close. Another game that should be pretty fun to watch as BC can put together a good game and I have a feeling that USC might pack it in at this point. Always bet against big name teams in bad bowl games. The kids never come to play.
December 27
Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl: Kentucky vs. Clemson: Hey Beavis, he said Gaylord. On the plus side the Kentucky fans should be able to make it to Nashville for the game as they drive down in their trucks with Grandma in the back like in the Beverly Hillbillies while swigging out of jugs with XXX written on the side. (Note: Preceding reference also applicable if Kentucky is replaced by West Virginia.) Of all the teams that were great when I was a kid but who simply aren’t now Clemson is the one that saddens me the most. I just think college football would be better with a great Clemson squad decked out in orange just destroying everyone who got in their way. Sadly, the rise of the SEC really screwed with their recruiting.
Tomorrow, the rest of the December games.
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