Tuesday, June 03, 2008

What is in your heart...

“A risk is worth a thousand dreams.” Jim McCormick

I’m a born dreamer. There is no way around it. Maybe you could even call me a Walter Mitty type figure. I imagine worlds of what might be and spend a surprising amount of time there. Some of them are pure fantasies (I doubt that I will be playing lead guitar in a rock band any time soon) and some, such as that of a writing career, at least have some basis in reality. But they all have one thing in common; they all stay on the dream side of the ledger and are never acted upon.

Why is that? Why can you create a fantasy world in your head and not attempt to find it in reality? It is something I have struggled with for a very long time. I can get lost in my dreams. Sometimes I prefer the imagined world, one where I can control every aspect, to the one I spend my existence in. I’ve had relationships fall apart because I had mistaken the person in my fantasy with the one who was truly before me. I’m not proud of it, being creative and fanciful is all fine and good but at the end it is how you convert those dreams into reality that matters. And more often than not I am content to lead a humdrum existence and a rich fantasy life as opposed to the other way around.

It all comes down to daring and courage, I think. The reason I enjoy my dreams is that I am in charge of them. No one can order me around; there are no outside forces that are beyond my control. It is the one moment in life where I know what will happen next. But when you try to act upon your dreams there is always that risk of failure. It is true that you could live happily ever after but you can also fail and I hate to fail. I don’t want to admit that I am not perfect. I know that I am not (I might be arrogant but I’m not stupid) but I don’t want to be reminded of the fact. Or maybe it is just because of the fact that I might not be able to achieve what I want to have. There is a part of me that prefers not trying to knowing that I was unable to accomplish what was in my heart.

I’m working like mad right now to try to change that aspect of my personality. I’m tired of not trying. My life has been one safe path after another and I’m not sure if I’m happy with where that has gotten me. Sure, I’ve been successful but I doubt that I have maximized my enjoyment of life. It’s why I’m sitting here wondering where I should go next in my life. I’m not just talking about my job, though that is certainly a part of it. Pretty much every part of my life is being reevaluated. I just want to take a chance. For once, for one brief moment, I really want to see if I can turn my dreams into reality.

It’s always a danger when you put one foot in front of the other. The earth should rise up to meet you and all will be well. Sometimes you might fall. But every once in a while when you fall you fly. I guess I shall find out soon enough.

The next five random CDs
1) Cowboy Junkies “Onesoulnow”
2) David Ford “Songs For The Road”
3) Jack Johnson “Sleep Through the Static”
4) Wilco “A Ghost is Born”
5) Various Artists “Born to Choose”

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