An epic of light

One of the ideas that has been bothering me recently is the thought that I have yet to do anything epic with my life yet. I assume this is because I am approaching middle age and hence, the inevitable mid-life crisis. Some people would point out that I am just turning 35 and thus not technically at the midpoint of my life yet. My response is a) you haven’t paid much attention to the way I live and b) I don’t have that much faith in the state of the planet and the people who inhabit it. At best, it is fair to say that I can see the midpoint from here.

So I’m at the age where I start to look upon the whole of my life and wonder what it all adds up to. The fact is that there is no one great moment I can point to. No moment of supreme excellence or happiness or joy that would seem to account for all of my years spent roaming the Earth. I think we all feel that we have some epic event inside of ourselves. Part of it is a result of our viewing ourselves as the hero of a movie. Of course that has to be some climax to the story. But for me, a lot of it is due to what I know that I am capable of. Call it arrogance but I know how smart I am and the type of soul I am and I know that when I combine those two things and give it all I have then wonderful things will happen.

But so far I don’t think it has. Yes, I’ve accomplished a lot. Been the top student at a number of locations, which is nice but not something that gets remembered. I’ve done good work at jobs I’ve liked, excellent work at jobs I disliked and was an ambivalent slacker with unlimited internet access for the rest. I made a minor difference on the positive side of the ledger but again, nothing earth shattering. I’ve lived a good life, made some friends, only acquired a few mortal enemies but no grandiose moments. I can’t even say that I’ve passed along my genetic code to a little one scurrying about my house. That is a bit sad given that you don’t even need an instruction manual to achieve that; in fact many people accomplish it by not being able to understand an instruction manual.

This all leaves me at an interesting point. I don’t question what I’ve accomplished in the least and I am pleased with my life. Yes, there are things that I would do differently and I really did think I’d be married by now but nothing that results in my curling up in a ball and sitting in the corner. But I just want something more. I want something bigger than this.

There is a movie I heard about once that discusses what heaven is. In heaven you are told that you get to relive one day of your life over and over again for all of eternity. You get to choose your happiest, your proudest moment of your entire existence. I don’t think I’ve had that moment yet. I’ve had some wonderful ones to be sure but I haven’t had that one moment of pure joy. Of epic bliss.

This weekend is the summer solstice; the longest day of the year. As is tradition I always remember the line from The Great Gatsby in that we never celebrate the longest day of the year. We look forward to it but never do anything to enjoy it. Maybe something epic will happen on that day. Gatsby would be proud.