Branding yourself...

Note to whoever actually does read this blog: I apologize for the lack of posts and original material the past few days. Some people know why, others can ask if they know me well enough. Let’s just say that real life took much greater precedence over my writing. I’m fine (this isn’t one of those instances where I stopped posting because doctors were poking me with various instruments) but there are several people I am keeping in my thoughts and prayers right now. I’ll leave it at that.

But after spending a couple of days in a deep think I’ve decided to do what I do best. I focus on what is important, I get my work done and I put on the floppy shoes and clown nose. Keeping busy helps me get back into my routine and I get back to telling jokes and sharing stories. It’s what I do well and as clichéd as it sounds I actually believe that laughter is the best medicine. Maybe it isn’t the best coping mechanism but it works for me. Here we go…


So as part of my ongoing effort to find a job, which so far has avoided such steps as “applying for a job”, “finding a headhunter” or “stand on a street corner with a sign ‘Will run complex statistical regressions for beer’”, I took a self-marketing class today. This is a little odd given the fact that I had spent two years working in the marketing department. You would think I would have picked up some skills during that time. Admittedly I’m out of work due to lack of business but still at least I know what not to do.

I started to think of good marketing tactics to apply in order to make me the most desirable candidate if not in the country then at least in the tri-state region. (That would be Kansas, Missouri and, uh, North Dakota maybe?) My first step is going to be a cryptic billboard campaign. All along the highway you’ll start seeing signs with “Your future is right around the corner 08/08/08” written on them. I’ll follow that up with my guerilla marketing efforts. I’ll send taggers into all of the major cities with instructions to paint “The solution is at hand”, “Knowledge is the key” and “The sums of the ifs shall be the answer to your needs” all with the 08/08/08 tag line.

Then we will start the viral internet campaign. YouTube postings will appear of people talking about how they have found clarity out of randomness, numbers falling from the sky and of the world regressing to the mean. One post will simply consist of people repeating “Eight, eight, oh eight” in various places around the world. Links to a website will slowly appear (I’ll keep the domain mysterious for now). There even more clues will be revealed as a story about a hidden genius will be told. Sparks of electricity will shoot across the background of the page. At random moments the page will just devolve into a sea of numbers that float off into all directions until coalescing into the single image of “08/08/08”.

Soon the entire world will be abuzz over just what will happen that date. News crews will be at every corner, unsure of where the unveiling of this answer will appear. People will take off from work, the entire world economy will wait with baited breath until 8:08:08 GMT on 8/8/08 when billboards will be uncovered, television stations across the world will all show the same image, and a mass of people gathered in Times Square will look up and see…

Me in a suit with two thumbs up talking about my skill in Excel and quantitative analysis. Resumes will fall into the crowd like confetti. Television screens will show me in action. “Here’s EC writing an If/Then statement. Here he is doing a Powerpoint presentation. Oh look, here he is filling up a coffee pot for people even when he doesn’t drink coffee.” A mass email will be sent across the globe asking “If you have any contacts who might help me find a job please let me know. Any contact that leads to employment will be repaid with a $25 gift card to Outback Steakhouse. No rules, just right.”

Sure, I’d be in debt up to my eyeballs but I’m pretty sure somebody would hire me. It would be a hell of a lot more fun than posting to Monster.

Wednesday Night Music Club: Not sure if I’ve ever posted any Freedy Johnston before. He is easily one of my favorites, though no one seems to remember him anymore. I just like his style.