The Past is Prologue

While rummaging through my writer’s journal for this year I came across the following. I didn’t post it at the time as it, uh, may have been a little too close to how I was feeling in April. Probably not that far from how I feel now as well. But I like a lot of what I wrote so here it is, another chapter in the ongoing saga of Brian and Richard, with some edits made along the way…

Brian: I’ve been thinking about reincarnation a lot recently.
Richard: That’s unusual, I always figured that your mind consisted solely of celebrity gossip.
B: Most of the time, yeah, but a few days ago I really started to think about reincarnation. It’s not something that I had ever sat down and pondered before but I’ve decided that I really hope that I get to be reincarnated.
R: Why?
B: Well, the way that I look at it I would really like to give my life another try. I figure that if I got a chance to start over I’d avoid the mistakes this time and everything would be better.
R: So you want to give life another chance?
B: Absolutely. I mean, I look at the state that I’m in and it’s like, “Wow, I really screwed this one up. Can I get a do-over?” You know, just let me hit the reset button on the Atari console of life and I bet that next time around everything will go right.
(Richard punches Brian hard in the arm.)
B: What the hell was that for?
R: How long have you known me?
B: Long enough to know that you don’t hit me unless I deserve it.
R: And you do deserve it. That is the dumbest and most depressing thing that I’ve ever heard come out of your mouth.
B: Why? Just because I suddenly started thinking like a Buddhist?
R: No, it’s because all you are doing is continuing to whine about your life except that now you get to wrap it up in a nice little spiritual bow. If you want to start your life over don’t wait until you die, start right now.
B: Look, I do not whine about my life. I’m just really practical in my view of the world and I tell it like it is.
R: Uh, no you do whine. You complain about your job, you complain about where you live, you complain about your social life and for all of that complaining you never seem to do anything about it.
B: You keep on acting like it is my fault that my life doesn’t measure up to my own expectations?
R: It’s entirely your fault. None of your expectations are based on reality. Your life is tied more to the fantasy of what it should be than what it could be. And you’re in love with that idea. If you had your way, a girl you met when you were sixteen would walk right through that door, recognize you and fall madly in love with you and you would live happily ever after.
B: And that would be awesome. It would be like living a movie.
R: Right, because a movie is fiction. In the history of the world that chain of events has never happened and you certainly aren’t going to be the first. She’s moved on Brian. She almost certainly doesn’t remember a guy she met half a lifetime ago. I can guarantee you that she is not thinking about you right now, she’s not hoping to run into you, she’s not googling your name to try to find you. But you still view everything in life through that lens of perfect romance and rainbows and pink unicorns and when things don’t match up with your pretty picture you sit around and mope.
B: Ok hotshot, what should I do? I’m sitting here in a coffee shop with a life that doesn’t in any way match up with what I thought it would be. Despite what everyone else would say, I don’t feel successful. Sure, I have a nice job but it doesn’t get me any closer to a state of grace at the end of the day.
R: State of grace?
B: Yeah, when you date a theologian phrases like that suddenly enter your lexicon. But anyway, I know that on the surface everything in my life is perfect. And it is, given the other possibilities I really shouldn’t complain about what I have. But it doesn’t fulfill me, it doesn’t make me happy and I’ve been getting this sinking feeling over the past few weeks that my life is just going to be stuck like this.
R: Remember when Fitzgerald said that there are no second acts in American lives?
B: Yeah, what about it?
R: Everyone misinterprets it. They take it to mean that no one can age gracefully, that it’s all glory and ruin. But it doesn’t mean that at all. The reason that there are no second acts is because the past is always prologue. You can always start over. You can always recreate yourself. Brian, don’t wait for fate to decide your path. If you want to get reincarnated as a three toed sloth go right ahead but don’t wait for that to make you happy. Walk out the door and take action. I don’t care what, jump up and down and scream if you feel like it. But you’ve got to stop pondering and start acting. It’s the only way.