Going Bowling: Part One

Well, it’s that time of year again. Time for me to break down the top bowl matchups so you know just how to spend the next month of your life in front of the television, especially now that How I Met Your Mother is in reruns. (As is my own life, but that’s a rant for another day.) As there are a million bowl games this year I’ll break this into two parts. First, the lesser bowls.

Pioneer Pure Vision Las Vegas Bowl: BYU vs. Oregon: In a rather stunning move, the strip clubs in Las Vegas have actually begun laying off employees in preparation for this game. However, since whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, bars have been advised to stock up on O’Douls. The good money is that the most popular game in the casino this weekend will be the change machine.

R&L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: Rice vs. Troy: I am assuming that Troy is actually a school and not just one guy. Though to be honest, he is taking on Uncle Ben so it might be a closer matchup than originally anticipated.

Papajohns.com Bowl: South Florida vs. East Carolina: Winner will take on the winner of the West New Hampshire vs. North Wyoming to determine the best imaginary state school.


New Mexico Bowl: New Mexico vs. San Jose State: This is a rather impressive move by New Mexico, ensuring that it will make a bowl game by inventing one for itself. It’s the college football equivalent of naming your own kid the starting quarterback when you are the coach of the team. Do they also buy national championship rings for everyone on the team just so they’ll feel like winners?

Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: Arizona State vs. Hawaii: Well, if I went to school in Hawaii I wouldn’t leave the state either. Actually, there is a really good reason why Hawaii is in this game. The payout on this bowl is so low that any school that accepts a bid actually loses money by playing the game due to the cost of getting the team there and the fact that they never sell enough alumni tickets. That said, would you complain about flying to Hawaii to play in a meaningless bowl game?

Motor City Bowl: Middle Tennessee vs. Central Michigan: I’ve included this game just because both of these schools made bowl games and my Illini did not. How sad is that? My alma mater can’t even come close to dreaming of a bowl game yet Middle Tennessee gets to travel to Detroit and… you know, come to think of it, maybe it’s not that bad that we missed out on bowl season this year.

Texas Bowl: Rutgers vs. Kansas State: This used to be called the GalleryFurniture.com bowl so while they’ve improved on the name we’ve now lost the promotion of a website that was never heard of other than their promotion of this bowl. How off the radar is this game? It’s on the NFL Network, which can be viewed by upwards of dozen of households around the country. I’ll be cheering for Rutgers in this one, partly because they were a cool underdog team who just missed out on being in the Orange Bowl and partly because I hate Kansas State. Something about wearing purple uniforms and calling themselves Wildcats.

Brut Sun Bowl: Oregon State vs. Missouri: This is the best name for a bowl game since the heyday of the Poulan Weed Eater Independence Bowl and the Humanitarian Bowl. Yes, Missouri Tigers football brought to you by Brut by Faberge. Brut, it’s what you wear when you don’t want to smell entirely like ass but you don’t really feel like trying that hard either. I am going to be discussing this bowl in great detail with anyone I meet over the next month just so I can say “Brut….by Faberge” over and over again. (It doesn’t take much to keep me entertained).

Champs Sports Bowl: Purdue vs. Maryland: Purdue made a bowl game? How the hell did Purdue make a bowl game? Hadn’t they lost every game when they showed up in South Bend? They were one of the worst teams I saw all year and they made a bowl game? Man, now I’m really bummed about my Illini missing the bowls. And this one is in Orlando as well, so I would have had an excuse to go to Disney World. I mean, how could I miss out a chance to visit Tomorrowland where you can see what forty years ago people thought five years ago would be like.

That’s it for the first half. Coming up tomorrow: The wonders of smurf turf, what makes an International Bowl and why the Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl is a metaphor for life itself. Stay tuned.