So we’ve reached the end of another year and that means that I need to take some time to think through some New Year’s Resolutions. I’ve been a little lax with these in the past, mainly because I tend to think of tying yourself to an arbitrary date on a calendar is kind of silly. I am more of a continual improvement kind of guy. But, I have a lot of things that I feel like I need to improve in my life and by writing them down I think I’ll have a better chance at being successful. Here they are…
Resolution #1: Learn how to juggle: Still haven’t done this and I would like to have one skill that would be useful only in impressing my nieces and nephews.
Resolution #2: Learn how to ride a unicycleResolution #3: Learn how to juggle while riding a unicycle: I’m pretty sure that my next career will involve the circus.
Resolution #4: Visit at least three cities that I have never been to before: This one has been on my mind a lot recently as I’m this strange combination of being very well traveled and not having traveled at all. I’ve been to London three times but I’ve never been to New York and I’ve never been to California. So one of the things that I want to do this year is expand my horizons and travel to places I’ve never been.
Resolution #5: Tour with The Frames for a portion of their U.S. tour: I assume they’ll be doing a full tour once The Cost is released in the states and I want to spend a week on the road following the band. I can’t say enough about how incredible these guys are live and I think it will be a way to see the country, enjoy some good music, and have a number of excellent adventures.
Resolution #6: Have breakfast every day: Yeah, a pretty boring but important one. I’m sick of my breakfast consisting of coffee and an energy bar eaten at ten in the morning. It’s probably one of the reasons why I’m still fighting to lose weight, I’ve just never been a breakfast person. A little structure should go a long way here.
Resolution #7: Make a legitimate effort at writing my book/novel: Whatever I end up writing (fiction, memoir, essays, a combination of the three) I just want to try to put together one major piece of my writing and have it be the best that it can be. I love the blog but this is just meant to be what is on my mind at the moment with no editing or sanity checks. I have a book in me and I better write it quickly.
Resolution #8: Be less of a cynical bastard: This is more in relation to my view of myself than my view of the world. I’ve been getting down on myself a lot recently and while this has been something that I have been battling my entire life it has gotten steadily worse over the past few years. I keep on thinking back to Warren Zevon’s advice on life: “Enjoy every sandwich.” I haven’t been and that is an absolute shame. It’s time to fix that one.
Resolution #9: Bench press my weight: This is really a goal to move my workouts from cardio to actually building muscle. I’m proud of myself for reaching a huge goal today on the treadmill (my fastest three miles since a severe leg injury a few years ago) so I finally feel that I have my cardio to a level that I can work from. So now I have to start lifting weights and gain muscle, which at my age might be a bit of a challenge but I’m up to the task. Also, I should add in my pledge to never take the elevator at the office, which is probably the best easy workout option that I have.
Resolution #10: Have one perfect moment in the year: You can’t plan for perfect moments. In fact, planning guarantees that they will never happen. It’s like trying to manage a relationship with a flow chart, as great an idea it is in theory it just falls apart in practice. But you can make yourself open to these moments and I haven’t for a while. Well, time to open myself up to the universe and see what happens. I know that means I might fail (which I hate so much) but it’s the only way to learn. And I want another perfect moment.
That’s it for 2006, a year of ups and downs for me but probably more ups than downs. Next year will be a lot of big ups. I’ve just got a feeling…
The five random CDs for the week:
1) The Iguanas “Super Ball”
2) Rex Hobart and the Misery Boys “Your Favorite Fool”
3) Sally Timms and Jon Langford “Songs of False Hope and High Values”
4) Midnight Oil “Blue Sky Mining”
5) R.E.M. “Green”
Sunday, December 31, 2006
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Sunday night fever...
If it’s the year-end it means that I find myself in the same position I am in every year. First off, I have a head cold that makes it feel like the walls are caving in and secondly, I have to figure out what the hell to do on New Year’s Eve.
(Yeah, inevitably I get sick this time of year. I always place the blame on a lack of sleep, way too much time in airports and planes and the fact that hanging out with my nieces and nephews is not always the best for my health. Basically, once I finish this post I am going to retire to my couch and watch movies for the rest of the night.)
New Year’s Eve is a really challenging time of the year for me. It’s meant to be a couples night but unlike Valentine’s Day I just can’t stay at home and turn off the lights and listen to Leonard Cohen songs all night long. Because everyone should be out and about on New Year’s Eve and just because I am not currently part of a couple (which is not due to a lack of effort on my part, more like a lack of skill) doesn’t mean that I can’t find a way to head out and have a good time.
But it is also amateur night and that has issues of its own to deal with. Clearly, I am not an amateur in this regard. A few years ago I was a star player, then I became that guy hoping for one last great run to earn his championship and now I’m probably the guy just fulfilling his contract and hoping to get a coaching job (or at least a scouting gig) somewhere out there. This means that my usual haunts won’t work because they’ll be crowded and charging a cover, neither of which encourage me to have a good time. Instead of sitting at the bar I’m standing and I’m having drinks poured on me by strangers, which isn’t nearly as much fun as people make it out to be.
My guess is that I’ll probably do what I usually do and that’s head to a concert. There are a couple of shows Sunday night that interest me, though the concert schedule for the past few months have just been brutally boring. I’m thinking of seeing Lindsay Buckingham in a few weeks just to break the monotony. There is something nice about catching a band. You have a few but never too many, there isn’t any pressure of “everyone here has to have the best time of their life”, and things just never get too couple-y. It’s not a perfect solution but it beats watching Dick Clark.
As always, I’m more than open to suggestions. If you ever wanted to manage someone’s social life, here’s your chance.
(Yeah, inevitably I get sick this time of year. I always place the blame on a lack of sleep, way too much time in airports and planes and the fact that hanging out with my nieces and nephews is not always the best for my health. Basically, once I finish this post I am going to retire to my couch and watch movies for the rest of the night.)
New Year’s Eve is a really challenging time of the year for me. It’s meant to be a couples night but unlike Valentine’s Day I just can’t stay at home and turn off the lights and listen to Leonard Cohen songs all night long. Because everyone should be out and about on New Year’s Eve and just because I am not currently part of a couple (which is not due to a lack of effort on my part, more like a lack of skill) doesn’t mean that I can’t find a way to head out and have a good time.
But it is also amateur night and that has issues of its own to deal with. Clearly, I am not an amateur in this regard. A few years ago I was a star player, then I became that guy hoping for one last great run to earn his championship and now I’m probably the guy just fulfilling his contract and hoping to get a coaching job (or at least a scouting gig) somewhere out there. This means that my usual haunts won’t work because they’ll be crowded and charging a cover, neither of which encourage me to have a good time. Instead of sitting at the bar I’m standing and I’m having drinks poured on me by strangers, which isn’t nearly as much fun as people make it out to be.
My guess is that I’ll probably do what I usually do and that’s head to a concert. There are a couple of shows Sunday night that interest me, though the concert schedule for the past few months have just been brutally boring. I’m thinking of seeing Lindsay Buckingham in a few weeks just to break the monotony. There is something nice about catching a band. You have a few but never too many, there isn’t any pressure of “everyone here has to have the best time of their life”, and things just never get too couple-y. It’s not a perfect solution but it beats watching Dick Clark.
As always, I’m more than open to suggestions. If you ever wanted to manage someone’s social life, here’s your chance.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
History repeats...
I came across something while flipping through the channels yesterday that has stuck in my mind. It was a movie that I remember watching as a kid and one that I haven’t thought about for ages but when I saw it now I viewed it in a totally different light and it really made me wonder what I might be watching ten or fifteen years from now. Seemingly at random, I started watching The Killing Fields.
(Yes, I watched this film when I was, I don’t know, ten or twelve years old. My parents didn’t shield me from reality and for that I thank them greatly.)
The Killing Fields is a film about journalists in Cambodia during Vietnam and what happened after the fall as well as how translator Dirth Pran was taken prisoner and spent four years being tortured before he escaped. While it is beautiful and breathtaking, it is not an easy film to watch. You know that the events are real and even when you know the ending the brutality of the situation still leaves you stunned.
As a kid when I watched it I thought about the brutality and randomness of war. I first became aware of news and history in the early eighties so for me Vietnam was something that I had no conscious memory of but was still pretty vibrant in the American psyche. It was a subject that a lot of people didn’t want to breach but it was there. Maybe it was brought up in The Deer Hunter or subtly in episodes of MASH but it was there. So when I first saw this film it was a clearer representation of an event that I knew happened but that I didn’t experience and didn’t truly understand.
And now I’m expecting in ten years time we will have similar films about Iraq. It’s been a three year war with most people anticipating it will take at least five before we are able to withdraw. It has been a brutal and nasty conflict with attacks that are seemingly random. But it’s also a conflict that I don’t know if anyone quite understands. I’ve seen news clips and have read stories but I still don’t have a grasp on the true story. That is where the next group of important films are going to arise. It might be sad to think that we need to look to Hollywood to not only understand our history but to interpret our current events but we are a storytelling people. You need a medium to express the emotion of the events.
I do wonder what history is going to say about these past couple of years. Some people are calling it a time when we lost our innocence. I disagree, mainly because I can’t believe that anyone who grew up in the Cold War would ever think the world was going to suddenly become filled with rainbows. But I do feel that we’ve entered a time when there is a sense of unease over what the future may hold. Of regress as opposed to progress. We can sense that the climate isn’t right and while we may trust our politicians there is doubt as to whether they can fix the problems. I read earlier this week that at even the darkest times in history there is at least one group of people who are joyously happy. Right now you can’t seem to find anyone with that release. And that’s what worries me.
(Yes, I watched this film when I was, I don’t know, ten or twelve years old. My parents didn’t shield me from reality and for that I thank them greatly.)
The Killing Fields is a film about journalists in Cambodia during Vietnam and what happened after the fall as well as how translator Dirth Pran was taken prisoner and spent four years being tortured before he escaped. While it is beautiful and breathtaking, it is not an easy film to watch. You know that the events are real and even when you know the ending the brutality of the situation still leaves you stunned.
As a kid when I watched it I thought about the brutality and randomness of war. I first became aware of news and history in the early eighties so for me Vietnam was something that I had no conscious memory of but was still pretty vibrant in the American psyche. It was a subject that a lot of people didn’t want to breach but it was there. Maybe it was brought up in The Deer Hunter or subtly in episodes of MASH but it was there. So when I first saw this film it was a clearer representation of an event that I knew happened but that I didn’t experience and didn’t truly understand.
And now I’m expecting in ten years time we will have similar films about Iraq. It’s been a three year war with most people anticipating it will take at least five before we are able to withdraw. It has been a brutal and nasty conflict with attacks that are seemingly random. But it’s also a conflict that I don’t know if anyone quite understands. I’ve seen news clips and have read stories but I still don’t have a grasp on the true story. That is where the next group of important films are going to arise. It might be sad to think that we need to look to Hollywood to not only understand our history but to interpret our current events but we are a storytelling people. You need a medium to express the emotion of the events.
I do wonder what history is going to say about these past couple of years. Some people are calling it a time when we lost our innocence. I disagree, mainly because I can’t believe that anyone who grew up in the Cold War would ever think the world was going to suddenly become filled with rainbows. But I do feel that we’ve entered a time when there is a sense of unease over what the future may hold. Of regress as opposed to progress. We can sense that the climate isn’t right and while we may trust our politicians there is doubt as to whether they can fix the problems. I read earlier this week that at even the darkest times in history there is at least one group of people who are joyously happy. Right now you can’t seem to find anyone with that release. And that’s what worries me.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Back home...
Hope that everyone had a great Boxing Day today. Personally, I scored a seventh round TKO and am now ranked seventh in the world in the light heavyweight division. Just a matter of time before I make it to pay per view.
Well, I’m back home after spending the holidays with my family. It was a fun weekend and it was also the first time in a year that I’ve actually been with all of my family at the same time. Sadly, as we’ve gotten older we’ve begun to scatter and build our own families so coordinating a mass gathering is kind of a challenge. But I did get a chance to play the favorite uncle to seven nieces and nephews, which is always a blast. I’ve always said that my family is close-knit. We might not call each other every day but when one of us needs help the others come at a moment’s notice. So that makes gatherings like this very special.
I received my usual assortment of gifts. Picked up a couple of books to add to the collection. I now have a picture of Notre Dame Stadium, which is really cool though from the looks of the picture I’m guessing that the picture was taken during the 2003 ND-USC game. On the plus side, that means I’m actually in the picture in the upper deck behind the flag. On the other hand, that is a game that I would like to forget for so many reasons, the score being one of them, so I’m not sure I want to be reminded of it on a daily basis.
And my best gift of all was an MP3 player so that I can finally move into the digital music revolution. My parents gave me the Sansa e250, which looks cool and should work for my first machine. I’d give you a full review of it but let’s just say that it isn’t getting along very well with my five year old laptop. Yeah, Julie the Laptop is kind of protective of her turf and music falls within that range so she is not reacting well to a newcomer. I know I’ll need to get a new laptop sooner than later (though I promise Julie, I’ll use you for the novel) and this might just expedite the decision.
(And yes, I have a very close and personal relationship with this laptop. It got me through business school and has powered the blog since the beginning. Which means that it has done everything from regression analysis to being a word processor par excellence. I’m at the point now where the letters are beginning to rub off but the old girl is still running with gusto. I really don’t want to let her go. I’ve had a longer (and sadly, more fruitful) relationship with this machine than I’ve had with most people.)
Otherwise today was just another quiet travel day. The airport was pretty calm and my bag was the second one off the plane, though I still had to wait ten minutes for the bus. I’ll spend the next couple of days writing about my New Year’s resolutions (there are several), my plans for New Year’s Eve (currently non-existent) and next week will be my big year in review (for music and books). So hopefully everyone will have something to look forward to. Me, I have to finish Richard II this week so I better start cracking.
Well, I’m back home after spending the holidays with my family. It was a fun weekend and it was also the first time in a year that I’ve actually been with all of my family at the same time. Sadly, as we’ve gotten older we’ve begun to scatter and build our own families so coordinating a mass gathering is kind of a challenge. But I did get a chance to play the favorite uncle to seven nieces and nephews, which is always a blast. I’ve always said that my family is close-knit. We might not call each other every day but when one of us needs help the others come at a moment’s notice. So that makes gatherings like this very special.
I received my usual assortment of gifts. Picked up a couple of books to add to the collection. I now have a picture of Notre Dame Stadium, which is really cool though from the looks of the picture I’m guessing that the picture was taken during the 2003 ND-USC game. On the plus side, that means I’m actually in the picture in the upper deck behind the flag. On the other hand, that is a game that I would like to forget for so many reasons, the score being one of them, so I’m not sure I want to be reminded of it on a daily basis.
And my best gift of all was an MP3 player so that I can finally move into the digital music revolution. My parents gave me the Sansa e250, which looks cool and should work for my first machine. I’d give you a full review of it but let’s just say that it isn’t getting along very well with my five year old laptop. Yeah, Julie the Laptop is kind of protective of her turf and music falls within that range so she is not reacting well to a newcomer. I know I’ll need to get a new laptop sooner than later (though I promise Julie, I’ll use you for the novel) and this might just expedite the decision.
(And yes, I have a very close and personal relationship with this laptop. It got me through business school and has powered the blog since the beginning. Which means that it has done everything from regression analysis to being a word processor par excellence. I’m at the point now where the letters are beginning to rub off but the old girl is still running with gusto. I really don’t want to let her go. I’ve had a longer (and sadly, more fruitful) relationship with this machine than I’ve had with most people.)
Otherwise today was just another quiet travel day. The airport was pretty calm and my bag was the second one off the plane, though I still had to wait ten minutes for the bus. I’ll spend the next couple of days writing about my New Year’s resolutions (there are several), my plans for New Year’s Eve (currently non-existent) and next week will be my big year in review (for music and books). So hopefully everyone will have something to look forward to. Me, I have to finish Richard II this week so I better start cracking.
Monday, December 25, 2006
Santa in the Air...
No fire truck yet again this year. Apparently I wasn’t “good enough“. Who the hell is Santa to judge? I mean, here’s a guy who only works one day a year, holds captive a team of magical animals for his own bidding, forces his wife to live in an inhospitable climate and uses conscripted labor while striking down any thoughts of a union. And don’t even get me started on how he works in the U.S. without any proper documentation. I swear, I have half a mind to go up to the North Pole and settle things mano a mano. With all that I’ve done for this world, the fat man owes me a fire truck.
On the other hand, I did get three episodes of How I Met Your Mother tonight so maybe the old man isn’t that bad after all. Sure they were all reruns but all three of them were Victoria episodes and I miss Victoria. She was a much better match for me, I mean Ted, than Robin is. Hopefully she will make a return from Germany before they yank the show off the air.
One story from the casino last week that I need to mention. Mainly because while I joked about this exact same thing last year for the sheer inanity of the concept it has a) returned and b) might be bigger than ever. I’m talking about Harrah’s Casino. Valentine’s Day. Air Supply.
Excuse me while I question why I live in this town…
See, I still fail to see the logic in this. It indicates that there are enough people who feel that not only is the most romantic getaway they can think of is the blackjack tables but also that seeing Air Supply would be the extreme in eroticism. That nothing will save their marriage more than hearing “I’m All Out of Love” sung by a majority of the original artists. I try not to judge other people’s tastes (especially given that I’m a guy who tends to attend Ani DiFranco shows because I find them funny) but come on, how the hell was this so successful that they’ve booked a repeat engagement.
Still, this does mean that I’ll be able to use the following pick up line for the next six weeks. “Hey how about you. Me. Valentine’s Day. Air Supply. Hell, I’ll even throw in dinner at the Sizzler because that’s how I roll.” To be honest I’ll probably be more successful with that approach than if I asked someone if they wanted to check out Shakespeare in the park.
On the other hand, I did get three episodes of How I Met Your Mother tonight so maybe the old man isn’t that bad after all. Sure they were all reruns but all three of them were Victoria episodes and I miss Victoria. She was a much better match for me, I mean Ted, than Robin is. Hopefully she will make a return from Germany before they yank the show off the air.
One story from the casino last week that I need to mention. Mainly because while I joked about this exact same thing last year for the sheer inanity of the concept it has a) returned and b) might be bigger than ever. I’m talking about Harrah’s Casino. Valentine’s Day. Air Supply.
Excuse me while I question why I live in this town…
See, I still fail to see the logic in this. It indicates that there are enough people who feel that not only is the most romantic getaway they can think of is the blackjack tables but also that seeing Air Supply would be the extreme in eroticism. That nothing will save their marriage more than hearing “I’m All Out of Love” sung by a majority of the original artists. I try not to judge other people’s tastes (especially given that I’m a guy who tends to attend Ani DiFranco shows because I find them funny) but come on, how the hell was this so successful that they’ve booked a repeat engagement.
Still, this does mean that I’ll be able to use the following pick up line for the next six weeks. “Hey how about you. Me. Valentine’s Day. Air Supply. Hell, I’ll even throw in dinner at the Sizzler because that’s how I roll.” To be honest I’ll probably be more successful with that approach than if I asked someone if they wanted to check out Shakespeare in the park.
Sunday, December 24, 2006
This holiday memory brought to you by Hostess Twinkies...
You know, it just doesn’t feel like the holiday season for me until I get a chance to sit back and watch the Hilton Family Holiday Skating and Gymnastics Spectacular. I’m not making this one up, it was in the television listings today and I really felt like it was an early Christmas present. I mean, what could possibly be included in a Hilton Family Gymnastics Routine? Somehow I have a feeling that I’ll never look at a pommel horse the same way again.
I’m a little weird when it comes to holiday television. Growing up I think I watched every single special imaginable. The Peanuts gang was easily my favorite, especially given the tendency of everyone comparing me to Linus growing up. Couldn’t go wrong with the Rudolf specials, which had killer stop motion animation and a plot line that still infects my everyday life. (One of the best lines in my novel is when the female lead turns to Brian and goes (in response to his drinking buddies) “Those aren’t friends! They’re rejects from the island of misfit toys!”)
I even remember the California Raisin special, which wasn’t as bizarre as the Star Wars Life Day spectacular but man was it freaky for a ten year old. First off, I was never quite sure how the Raisins qualified as being the lead for a holiday special. Spuds McKenzie never got the chance and his would have been a lot cooler. But this was another stop motion extravaganza that included hosts (one of whom I remember was a dinosaur) who in the modern era would probably have its own show on Bravo. Yeah, it was an alternative Christmas featuring raisins. And people think the seventies were weird.
Probably my favorite of the lesser known shows was “Twas the Night Before Christmas” (man I hope I have this title right). It’s the one that featured the family of mice where the smart mouse with glasses ended up inadvertently ruining Christmas and the dad (who was the guy from the Adams Family) had to do everything to save the day. It was simple and sweet and fun and always seemed to air during that last week when the anticipation was at its height.
(Incredibly, I’ve never seen It’s a Wonderful Life. Just was never something we watched in my family and as an adult I never have seen a need to catch it.)
I’m not sure why these memories of television specials stay with us for so long. It’s not as if they are the epitome of drama or even children’s entertainment. They probably just serve two simple purposes and they serve them very well. (Three, if you want to get cynical and include advertisements for toys). For kids, they help to build up the anticipation for the big day while teaching them that caring about other people is a good thing. But for adults they are that momentary respite from our real life. For thirty minutes we can return to being the kid lying on the living room floor watching the Grinch sneak around and laughing at the little dog. It’s a return to a time when there really were no worries other than hoping that the calendar would move quickly to the big day. After a certain age you can’t get back to that feeling of being carefree. There is always job or school or a relationship to worry about. But all you need to do is see Charlie Brown and his sad looking tree and for one moment, all you have to do is watch and smile.
Merry Christmas everyone. And there better be a fire truck with my name on it under the tree…
The five random CD’s for the week
1) The Shins “Chutes Too Narrow”
2) The Tragically Hip “Live Between Us”
3) The Be Good Tanyas “Chinatown”
4) The Subdudes “Live at Last”
5) Laura Minor “Salesman’s Girl”
I’m a little weird when it comes to holiday television. Growing up I think I watched every single special imaginable. The Peanuts gang was easily my favorite, especially given the tendency of everyone comparing me to Linus growing up. Couldn’t go wrong with the Rudolf specials, which had killer stop motion animation and a plot line that still infects my everyday life. (One of the best lines in my novel is when the female lead turns to Brian and goes (in response to his drinking buddies) “Those aren’t friends! They’re rejects from the island of misfit toys!”)
I even remember the California Raisin special, which wasn’t as bizarre as the Star Wars Life Day spectacular but man was it freaky for a ten year old. First off, I was never quite sure how the Raisins qualified as being the lead for a holiday special. Spuds McKenzie never got the chance and his would have been a lot cooler. But this was another stop motion extravaganza that included hosts (one of whom I remember was a dinosaur) who in the modern era would probably have its own show on Bravo. Yeah, it was an alternative Christmas featuring raisins. And people think the seventies were weird.
Probably my favorite of the lesser known shows was “Twas the Night Before Christmas” (man I hope I have this title right). It’s the one that featured the family of mice where the smart mouse with glasses ended up inadvertently ruining Christmas and the dad (who was the guy from the Adams Family) had to do everything to save the day. It was simple and sweet and fun and always seemed to air during that last week when the anticipation was at its height.
(Incredibly, I’ve never seen It’s a Wonderful Life. Just was never something we watched in my family and as an adult I never have seen a need to catch it.)
I’m not sure why these memories of television specials stay with us for so long. It’s not as if they are the epitome of drama or even children’s entertainment. They probably just serve two simple purposes and they serve them very well. (Three, if you want to get cynical and include advertisements for toys). For kids, they help to build up the anticipation for the big day while teaching them that caring about other people is a good thing. But for adults they are that momentary respite from our real life. For thirty minutes we can return to being the kid lying on the living room floor watching the Grinch sneak around and laughing at the little dog. It’s a return to a time when there really were no worries other than hoping that the calendar would move quickly to the big day. After a certain age you can’t get back to that feeling of being carefree. There is always job or school or a relationship to worry about. But all you need to do is see Charlie Brown and his sad looking tree and for one moment, all you have to do is watch and smile.
Merry Christmas everyone. And there better be a fire truck with my name on it under the tree…
The five random CD’s for the week
1) The Shins “Chutes Too Narrow”
2) The Tragically Hip “Live Between Us”
3) The Be Good Tanyas “Chinatown”
4) The Subdudes “Live at Last”
5) Laura Minor “Salesman’s Girl”
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Jenny says...
In order to combat the mood that I’ve been in over the past few weeks I decided to take in a concert tonight. When you are beginning to question life pretty much the best thing that you can do is see Cowboy Mouth. They are a hard rocking party band from New Orleans whose entire purpose is making you feel glad to be alive. That’s something that I really need right about now so I braved my way to the Voodoo Lounge at Harrah’s Casino to see the show.
I’ve talked about the Voodoo Lounge before but it bears repeating. In many ways this is an awesome venue. Great sound, perfect sightlines, and bathrooms that are both plentiful and clean enough that you don’t down penicillin upon leaving. On the other hand, I am forced to pay five bucks for a bottle of Miller Lite, the bartenders are slow as hell in that they can’t even open a bottle of beer without doing a Cocktail trick and the crowd always seems to be filled with refugees from the slot machines who will throw things at the band during a ballad about Hurricane Katrina. So keep that in mind.
This is the third incarnation of Cowboy Mouth that I’ve seen. Sonya is still on at bass and she is a good edition to the band and she might be the longest tenured bass player they’ve ever had. Seriously, it’s like every year they get a new one. Paul Sanchez left and was replaced with Vance Degeneres, which is good in that he’s famous from television and bad in that you can’t really call yourself the baddest band on the planet when your guitarist is named Vance. Fred and Paul are still leading the band and a lot of the songs are still the same.
It’s really tough to say this, but these shows are simultaneously great for me and horrible. I mean, I love the music and I play their CDs all the time when I’m depressed and just need to be reminded that this is an amazing place if you just open yourself to it. You can’t listen to their music and not brighten up. On the other hand, I could probably do without the drummer yelling at me to make some noise on every friggin song using the same spiel that he’s used in every show I’ve seen. Maybe it’s just that I’m not a jump up and down and throw your hands in the air type of guy. Or at least not while I’m sober and standing in the middle of a casino. I don’t want to fault the band for it but maybe I’ve reached the point where listening to Aimee Mann is more meaningful than Cowboy Mouth. Might as well officially designate me as being old.
Side note # 1: While walking through the casino I noticed that they had a special Christmas buffet on Monday. I’m not kidding, they were advertising a holiday themed extravaganza. Ok, I’ll admit that a lot of the time I get down on my life but I’ll have to admit that I have yet to reach the point where the casino buffet is my best Christmas dinner option. I don’t know what is sadder: that there will be people lined up to gorge themselves or that there are some poor souls who will have to work on Christmas to cook and clean and work the cash registers.
Side note # 2 (particularly written to Erik): At the show I saw what has to be SBEM’s evil twin. Looked exactly like her except with pitch black hair. I didn’t do a double take, more like a twelve-times take. I was simultaneously extremely attracted and scared for my life. Like if I talked to her I would be transported to Bizarro world or something.
Side note # 3: I think everyone has one song that whenever they hear it a sly smile comes across their face. No one else knows why, it’s just a song that connected to a moment of your life and you’ve never let anyone else know the real reason. For me, it’s Moby’s “Natural Blues”. And trust me, hearing that song while watching a New Orleans band set up had me grinning from ear to ear. You want to know the story? You’ll just have to wait for the novel. No one would believe that it’s true anyway…
I’ve talked about the Voodoo Lounge before but it bears repeating. In many ways this is an awesome venue. Great sound, perfect sightlines, and bathrooms that are both plentiful and clean enough that you don’t down penicillin upon leaving. On the other hand, I am forced to pay five bucks for a bottle of Miller Lite, the bartenders are slow as hell in that they can’t even open a bottle of beer without doing a Cocktail trick and the crowd always seems to be filled with refugees from the slot machines who will throw things at the band during a ballad about Hurricane Katrina. So keep that in mind.
This is the third incarnation of Cowboy Mouth that I’ve seen. Sonya is still on at bass and she is a good edition to the band and she might be the longest tenured bass player they’ve ever had. Seriously, it’s like every year they get a new one. Paul Sanchez left and was replaced with Vance Degeneres, which is good in that he’s famous from television and bad in that you can’t really call yourself the baddest band on the planet when your guitarist is named Vance. Fred and Paul are still leading the band and a lot of the songs are still the same.
It’s really tough to say this, but these shows are simultaneously great for me and horrible. I mean, I love the music and I play their CDs all the time when I’m depressed and just need to be reminded that this is an amazing place if you just open yourself to it. You can’t listen to their music and not brighten up. On the other hand, I could probably do without the drummer yelling at me to make some noise on every friggin song using the same spiel that he’s used in every show I’ve seen. Maybe it’s just that I’m not a jump up and down and throw your hands in the air type of guy. Or at least not while I’m sober and standing in the middle of a casino. I don’t want to fault the band for it but maybe I’ve reached the point where listening to Aimee Mann is more meaningful than Cowboy Mouth. Might as well officially designate me as being old.
Side note # 1: While walking through the casino I noticed that they had a special Christmas buffet on Monday. I’m not kidding, they were advertising a holiday themed extravaganza. Ok, I’ll admit that a lot of the time I get down on my life but I’ll have to admit that I have yet to reach the point where the casino buffet is my best Christmas dinner option. I don’t know what is sadder: that there will be people lined up to gorge themselves or that there are some poor souls who will have to work on Christmas to cook and clean and work the cash registers.
Side note # 2 (particularly written to Erik): At the show I saw what has to be SBEM’s evil twin. Looked exactly like her except with pitch black hair. I didn’t do a double take, more like a twelve-times take. I was simultaneously extremely attracted and scared for my life. Like if I talked to her I would be transported to Bizarro world or something.
Side note # 3: I think everyone has one song that whenever they hear it a sly smile comes across their face. No one else knows why, it’s just a song that connected to a moment of your life and you’ve never let anyone else know the real reason. For me, it’s Moby’s “Natural Blues”. And trust me, hearing that song while watching a New Orleans band set up had me grinning from ear to ear. You want to know the story? You’ll just have to wait for the novel. No one would believe that it’s true anyway…
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
The Nature Boy would be proud...
New Year’s Resolution #1 (of many): Learn how to write in paragraph form again…
1) This is what I love about the blog. One night I write a, uh, pensive piece about the state of my life. The next day I’m talking about Lindsay Lohan stripping. Day after that I get comments discussing the trailer to the Transformers movie. I’m expecting to get sued for whiplash by people who just read this site.
2) Tonight was a very proud moment in my life. After over twenty five years of tireless effort and research, my in depth knowledge of professional wrestling has finally come in handy. Yes, in tonight’s trivia game the next to last category was pro wrestling and I just rocked the house. Who won the first Royal Rumble? Hacksaw Jim Duggan (broadcast on USA). Who almost died in a parasailing accident? Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake (real name: Ed Leslie). What team ended up winning tonight? Ours. Seriously, this may have just justified my very existence, or at least helped to explain the stack of wrestling DVDs that I’ve hidden in my apartment on the basis that they are probably not the sort of thing that you want the prospective girlfriend to come across.
3) Speaking of wrestling, there is going to be a big pop culture story on Jan. 1 as John Cena will defend his world title against Kevin Federline. I shit you not. Also, based on his interview on Raw (and I quote here) “K-Fed is dead, it’s Keven Federline bitches.” The amazing thing? I really want to see this. Federline actually put together one of the best heel (bad guy) promos that I’ve seen in ages. Just completely sold himself as an arrogant, good for nothing, piece of white trash who still thinks that the world belongs to him. Ok, so maybe that isn’t any different than if I watched him order a latte at Starbucks but still, it’s pretty damn entertaining. Part of me wants to see him get his ass kicked, part of me wants to see him win so he can start a reign of terror and bad pop songs.
4) I’ve changed the route that I use when I drive home so now I go past the new Chick-Fil-A. Now, I’m a supporter of Chick-Fil-A, especially given that they sponsor the bowl game that I feel is a metaphor for my life. But still, I’m not sure that it justifies the fact that when I drive home the Drive-Thru lane is packed about ten cars deep night after night. Either they really have to rethink their process flow diagrams or the greater KC metro area is just desperate for a chicken sandwich. Seriously, I know that it is a new fast food place and people are curious but would you ever wait in that long of a line for a sandwich? It just shows that people don’t care about quality nearly as much as they care about novelty.
5) This is going to amaze my classmates but I’ve actually been invited to attend a Marketing symposium at ND. I can see the conversations now. “So, what classes are most beneficial for a career in marketing?” “Don’t know, never took one other than Intro to Marketing.” “What’s the best way to get a job?” “No idea, someone read my blog and gave me a position.” “Why are the finance professors pointing at you and shouting, ‘Traitor!’ Oh, and why does your nametag read “Darth EC”?” “There is much power in the dark side.”
1) This is what I love about the blog. One night I write a, uh, pensive piece about the state of my life. The next day I’m talking about Lindsay Lohan stripping. Day after that I get comments discussing the trailer to the Transformers movie. I’m expecting to get sued for whiplash by people who just read this site.
2) Tonight was a very proud moment in my life. After over twenty five years of tireless effort and research, my in depth knowledge of professional wrestling has finally come in handy. Yes, in tonight’s trivia game the next to last category was pro wrestling and I just rocked the house. Who won the first Royal Rumble? Hacksaw Jim Duggan (broadcast on USA). Who almost died in a parasailing accident? Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake (real name: Ed Leslie). What team ended up winning tonight? Ours. Seriously, this may have just justified my very existence, or at least helped to explain the stack of wrestling DVDs that I’ve hidden in my apartment on the basis that they are probably not the sort of thing that you want the prospective girlfriend to come across.
3) Speaking of wrestling, there is going to be a big pop culture story on Jan. 1 as John Cena will defend his world title against Kevin Federline. I shit you not. Also, based on his interview on Raw (and I quote here) “K-Fed is dead, it’s Keven Federline bitches.” The amazing thing? I really want to see this. Federline actually put together one of the best heel (bad guy) promos that I’ve seen in ages. Just completely sold himself as an arrogant, good for nothing, piece of white trash who still thinks that the world belongs to him. Ok, so maybe that isn’t any different than if I watched him order a latte at Starbucks but still, it’s pretty damn entertaining. Part of me wants to see him get his ass kicked, part of me wants to see him win so he can start a reign of terror and bad pop songs.
4) I’ve changed the route that I use when I drive home so now I go past the new Chick-Fil-A. Now, I’m a supporter of Chick-Fil-A, especially given that they sponsor the bowl game that I feel is a metaphor for my life. But still, I’m not sure that it justifies the fact that when I drive home the Drive-Thru lane is packed about ten cars deep night after night. Either they really have to rethink their process flow diagrams or the greater KC metro area is just desperate for a chicken sandwich. Seriously, I know that it is a new fast food place and people are curious but would you ever wait in that long of a line for a sandwich? It just shows that people don’t care about quality nearly as much as they care about novelty.
5) This is going to amaze my classmates but I’ve actually been invited to attend a Marketing symposium at ND. I can see the conversations now. “So, what classes are most beneficial for a career in marketing?” “Don’t know, never took one other than Intro to Marketing.” “What’s the best way to get a job?” “No idea, someone read my blog and gave me a position.” “Why are the finance professors pointing at you and shouting, ‘Traitor!’ Oh, and why does your nametag read “Darth EC”?” “There is much power in the dark side.”
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Just a matter of time...
Back to more trivial matters…
1) I am very upset by the media coverage of my beloved Lindsay’s latest Blackberry missive in which she, well, discusses the bruises she received while practicing pole dancing. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, what happens between Lindsay and me in a seedy motel room off of the interstate is a personal matter and does not need to be discussed in the gossip pages. Sigh. Incredibly, I did not make up this story at all (well, besides the whole motel room bit). She really does write about her upper and lower thigh bruises. I’m hoping that this is due to her method acting technique for an upcoming role as opposed to job training.
Another Lindsay story
2) I know that most people think that I’ve beaten this Lindsay Lohan joke into the ground but I see a great deal of potential here. Three years ago I was probably the last guy on earth that Lindsay would have gone out with. Now after all of these stories I’m probably one of two dozen guys who would be willing to date her and I like those odds. Hell, I’m probably the front runner. One more lead story on Entertainment Tonight and I’ll be dating her by default.
3) I would like to congratulate myself for winning Time’s Man of the Year. It’s been a life long dream of mine to follow in the footsteps of the computer and planet earth as a marketing ploy disguised as a year end award. For those who haven’t checked out a newsstand “You” has won Time’s Man/Woman/Thing of the Year. The idea behind it is that bloggers and YouTube are changing the way that media operates. Now, while some blogs do have an impact I have a hard time believing that I’ve changed the world just yet here. And while YouTube has greatly contributed to my ability to spend time at work searching for old Asia videos I can’t say it has done much to society other than turning copyright into a joke. It just seems that in a year where we’re still at war, gas prices are going mad, and both houses of congress switched hands that the person of the year could have gone to, you know, a person. Or at least Barbaro.
4) The Chia advertising empire continues to astound me. I understand the Chia pet and the Chia Garfield and even the Chia Scooby Doo. It’s the Chia Tree that bothers me. So, buy a pot in the shape of a tree and spread some seeds on it and watch it grow. As opposed to, I don’t know, buying a plant. You end up with exactly the same thing except in the Chia universe you spend more and end up looking tacky as a result. It bothers me that right now someone is at a Walgreen’s and going, “You know what, that would make a great present.” And they’re probably sober as well.
5) I have a winner for strange lyric of the year. Courtesy of one of my favorite bands, Carbon Leaf. “Some things are best left between a girl and her horse.” There are a few ways to interpret that line and none of them are good. Hell, most of them end with a Catherine the Great reference.
1) I am very upset by the media coverage of my beloved Lindsay’s latest Blackberry missive in which she, well, discusses the bruises she received while practicing pole dancing. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, what happens between Lindsay and me in a seedy motel room off of the interstate is a personal matter and does not need to be discussed in the gossip pages. Sigh. Incredibly, I did not make up this story at all (well, besides the whole motel room bit). She really does write about her upper and lower thigh bruises. I’m hoping that this is due to her method acting technique for an upcoming role as opposed to job training.
2) I know that most people think that I’ve beaten this Lindsay Lohan joke into the ground but I see a great deal of potential here. Three years ago I was probably the last guy on earth that Lindsay would have gone out with. Now after all of these stories I’m probably one of two dozen guys who would be willing to date her and I like those odds. Hell, I’m probably the front runner. One more lead story on Entertainment Tonight and I’ll be dating her by default.
3) I would like to congratulate myself for winning Time’s Man of the Year. It’s been a life long dream of mine to follow in the footsteps of the computer and planet earth as a marketing ploy disguised as a year end award. For those who haven’t checked out a newsstand “You” has won Time’s Man/Woman/Thing of the Year. The idea behind it is that bloggers and YouTube are changing the way that media operates. Now, while some blogs do have an impact I have a hard time believing that I’ve changed the world just yet here. And while YouTube has greatly contributed to my ability to spend time at work searching for old Asia videos I can’t say it has done much to society other than turning copyright into a joke. It just seems that in a year where we’re still at war, gas prices are going mad, and both houses of congress switched hands that the person of the year could have gone to, you know, a person. Or at least Barbaro.
4) The Chia advertising empire continues to astound me. I understand the Chia pet and the Chia Garfield and even the Chia Scooby Doo. It’s the Chia Tree that bothers me. So, buy a pot in the shape of a tree and spread some seeds on it and watch it grow. As opposed to, I don’t know, buying a plant. You end up with exactly the same thing except in the Chia universe you spend more and end up looking tacky as a result. It bothers me that right now someone is at a Walgreen’s and going, “You know what, that would make a great present.” And they’re probably sober as well.
5) I have a winner for strange lyric of the year. Courtesy of one of my favorite bands, Carbon Leaf. “Some things are best left between a girl and her horse.” There are a few ways to interpret that line and none of them are good. Hell, most of them end with a Catherine the Great reference.
Monday, December 18, 2006
The Past is Prologue
While rummaging through my writer’s journal for this year I came across the following. I didn’t post it at the time as it, uh, may have been a little too close to how I was feeling in April. Probably not that far from how I feel now as well. But I like a lot of what I wrote so here it is, another chapter in the ongoing saga of Brian and Richard, with some edits made along the way…
Brian: I’ve been thinking about reincarnation a lot recently.
Richard: That’s unusual, I always figured that your mind consisted solely of celebrity gossip.
B: Most of the time, yeah, but a few days ago I really started to think about reincarnation. It’s not something that I had ever sat down and pondered before but I’ve decided that I really hope that I get to be reincarnated.
R: Why?
B: Well, the way that I look at it I would really like to give my life another try. I figure that if I got a chance to start over I’d avoid the mistakes this time and everything would be better.
R: So you want to give life another chance?
B: Absolutely. I mean, I look at the state that I’m in and it’s like, “Wow, I really screwed this one up. Can I get a do-over?” You know, just let me hit the reset button on the Atari console of life and I bet that next time around everything will go right.
(Richard punches Brian hard in the arm.)
B: What the hell was that for?
R: How long have you known me?
B: Long enough to know that you don’t hit me unless I deserve it.
R: And you do deserve it. That is the dumbest and most depressing thing that I’ve ever heard come out of your mouth.
B: Why? Just because I suddenly started thinking like a Buddhist?
R: No, it’s because all you are doing is continuing to whine about your life except that now you get to wrap it up in a nice little spiritual bow. If you want to start your life over don’t wait until you die, start right now.
B: Look, I do not whine about my life. I’m just really practical in my view of the world and I tell it like it is.
R: Uh, no you do whine. You complain about your job, you complain about where you live, you complain about your social life and for all of that complaining you never seem to do anything about it.
B: You keep on acting like it is my fault that my life doesn’t measure up to my own expectations?
R: It’s entirely your fault. None of your expectations are based on reality. Your life is tied more to the fantasy of what it should be than what it could be. And you’re in love with that idea. If you had your way, a girl you met when you were sixteen would walk right through that door, recognize you and fall madly in love with you and you would live happily ever after.
B: And that would be awesome. It would be like living a movie.
R: Right, because a movie is fiction. In the history of the world that chain of events has never happened and you certainly aren’t going to be the first. She’s moved on Brian. She almost certainly doesn’t remember a guy she met half a lifetime ago. I can guarantee you that she is not thinking about you right now, she’s not hoping to run into you, she’s not googling your name to try to find you. But you still view everything in life through that lens of perfect romance and rainbows and pink unicorns and when things don’t match up with your pretty picture you sit around and mope.
B: Ok hotshot, what should I do? I’m sitting here in a coffee shop with a life that doesn’t in any way match up with what I thought it would be. Despite what everyone else would say, I don’t feel successful. Sure, I have a nice job but it doesn’t get me any closer to a state of grace at the end of the day.
R: State of grace?
B: Yeah, when you date a theologian phrases like that suddenly enter your lexicon. But anyway, I know that on the surface everything in my life is perfect. And it is, given the other possibilities I really shouldn’t complain about what I have. But it doesn’t fulfill me, it doesn’t make me happy and I’ve been getting this sinking feeling over the past few weeks that my life is just going to be stuck like this.
R: Remember when Fitzgerald said that there are no second acts in American lives?
B: Yeah, what about it?
R: Everyone misinterprets it. They take it to mean that no one can age gracefully, that it’s all glory and ruin. But it doesn’t mean that at all. The reason that there are no second acts is because the past is always prologue. You can always start over. You can always recreate yourself. Brian, don’t wait for fate to decide your path. If you want to get reincarnated as a three toed sloth go right ahead but don’t wait for that to make you happy. Walk out the door and take action. I don’t care what, jump up and down and scream if you feel like it. But you’ve got to stop pondering and start acting. It’s the only way.
Brian: I’ve been thinking about reincarnation a lot recently.
Richard: That’s unusual, I always figured that your mind consisted solely of celebrity gossip.
B: Most of the time, yeah, but a few days ago I really started to think about reincarnation. It’s not something that I had ever sat down and pondered before but I’ve decided that I really hope that I get to be reincarnated.
R: Why?
B: Well, the way that I look at it I would really like to give my life another try. I figure that if I got a chance to start over I’d avoid the mistakes this time and everything would be better.
R: So you want to give life another chance?
B: Absolutely. I mean, I look at the state that I’m in and it’s like, “Wow, I really screwed this one up. Can I get a do-over?” You know, just let me hit the reset button on the Atari console of life and I bet that next time around everything will go right.
(Richard punches Brian hard in the arm.)
B: What the hell was that for?
R: How long have you known me?
B: Long enough to know that you don’t hit me unless I deserve it.
R: And you do deserve it. That is the dumbest and most depressing thing that I’ve ever heard come out of your mouth.
B: Why? Just because I suddenly started thinking like a Buddhist?
R: No, it’s because all you are doing is continuing to whine about your life except that now you get to wrap it up in a nice little spiritual bow. If you want to start your life over don’t wait until you die, start right now.
B: Look, I do not whine about my life. I’m just really practical in my view of the world and I tell it like it is.
R: Uh, no you do whine. You complain about your job, you complain about where you live, you complain about your social life and for all of that complaining you never seem to do anything about it.
B: You keep on acting like it is my fault that my life doesn’t measure up to my own expectations?
R: It’s entirely your fault. None of your expectations are based on reality. Your life is tied more to the fantasy of what it should be than what it could be. And you’re in love with that idea. If you had your way, a girl you met when you were sixteen would walk right through that door, recognize you and fall madly in love with you and you would live happily ever after.
B: And that would be awesome. It would be like living a movie.
R: Right, because a movie is fiction. In the history of the world that chain of events has never happened and you certainly aren’t going to be the first. She’s moved on Brian. She almost certainly doesn’t remember a guy she met half a lifetime ago. I can guarantee you that she is not thinking about you right now, she’s not hoping to run into you, she’s not googling your name to try to find you. But you still view everything in life through that lens of perfect romance and rainbows and pink unicorns and when things don’t match up with your pretty picture you sit around and mope.
B: Ok hotshot, what should I do? I’m sitting here in a coffee shop with a life that doesn’t in any way match up with what I thought it would be. Despite what everyone else would say, I don’t feel successful. Sure, I have a nice job but it doesn’t get me any closer to a state of grace at the end of the day.
R: State of grace?
B: Yeah, when you date a theologian phrases like that suddenly enter your lexicon. But anyway, I know that on the surface everything in my life is perfect. And it is, given the other possibilities I really shouldn’t complain about what I have. But it doesn’t fulfill me, it doesn’t make me happy and I’ve been getting this sinking feeling over the past few weeks that my life is just going to be stuck like this.
R: Remember when Fitzgerald said that there are no second acts in American lives?
B: Yeah, what about it?
R: Everyone misinterprets it. They take it to mean that no one can age gracefully, that it’s all glory and ruin. But it doesn’t mean that at all. The reason that there are no second acts is because the past is always prologue. You can always start over. You can always recreate yourself. Brian, don’t wait for fate to decide your path. If you want to get reincarnated as a three toed sloth go right ahead but don’t wait for that to make you happy. Walk out the door and take action. I don’t care what, jump up and down and scream if you feel like it. But you’ve got to stop pondering and start acting. It’s the only way.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
You're a mean one, Mr. EC...
Another weekend in the books, another weekend to write about…
1) Ever have one of those weekends where you just don’t feel like doing anything at all? Like going out and being social is the biggest hassle in the world? That’s kind of how I was this weekend and it isn’t a good sign. I can kind of feel myself getting into one of my moods where I bounce between self-loathing and really, really loathing myself. I could blame the fact that we are at the nadir of sunlight but given that I’m being short with people who really don’t deserve it I shouldn’t make excuses. I know, good old EC being the Grinch during the holiday season once more…
2) I think I write about this every year but it just never feels like the holidays for me out here in KC. It could be because my apartment contains no Christmas decorations. (One year I did go out and buy a little tree from Target but when I looked at it I could see Charlie Brown staring at it and going, “Dude, even I wouldn’t buy that one.”) But really I think it’s just the weather in this town doesn’t correspond to my memories of the holidays. It was sixty here over the weekend so instead of snow and getting to see your breath all you saw were leafless trees and dormant grass. Sure the Plaza lights are pretty but it just isn’t Christmas to me. Snow is an important part of the season and it just seems to be missing out here.
3) Switching gears a bit, I finally listened to the latest Liz Phair CD last week despite the fact that I think I’ve owned it for a year. I literally bought it, put it in the collection and never thought about it again until the random number generator chose it. In listening to it I was pleasantly surprised because it is not a horrible album. In fact, you could say that Liz is evolving as an artist. Sadly, she is evolving into Sheryl Crow and I don’t think we need another one of her. It is a tame, tuneful album and you can’t say that about Exile in Guyville, which is probably why that album will be remembered forever while no one actually bought Somebody’s Miracle.
4) In celebrity news, they’ve dropped the charges against Natasha Lyonne, a favorite actress of mine before she went completely insane. Ok, maybe not insane but she was charged with, and I quote, “Threatening to molest her neighbor’s dog.” Personally, I want to know which politician decided years ago to put that statute on the books. You know, sat down one night and looked at all of the laws and went, “Hey were missing one about molesting your neighbor’s pet. Think we can add that this to the list.” Probably would have made the Bill of Rights except that it would have been the eleventh amendment and they didn’t want an odd number.
5) I’ve got to give a shout out to Family Guy for breaking out the Garrett Morris’ President of the School for the Hard of Hearing bit tonight. It’s an ancient Saturday Night Live bit but it’s one of the funniest ever and so completely unexpected. That said, I bet Garrett would have come in handy in many of the breakups that I’ve endured over the years.
6) Finally decided that I’ll be good and read Richard II this year. Two reasons why. First, it is a page shorter. Second, in the book of Shakespeare I borrowed (or more accurately, stole) from my mom she has class notes and underlined passages for this play. So it’s cool for me to read and I have built in Cliff Notes.
The five random CDs for the week
1) Jimmy LaFave “Texoma”
2) R.E.M. “Document”
3) Victoria Williams “Loose”
4) The Connells “Ring”
5) Cowboy Junkies “Open Road”
1) Ever have one of those weekends where you just don’t feel like doing anything at all? Like going out and being social is the biggest hassle in the world? That’s kind of how I was this weekend and it isn’t a good sign. I can kind of feel myself getting into one of my moods where I bounce between self-loathing and really, really loathing myself. I could blame the fact that we are at the nadir of sunlight but given that I’m being short with people who really don’t deserve it I shouldn’t make excuses. I know, good old EC being the Grinch during the holiday season once more…
2) I think I write about this every year but it just never feels like the holidays for me out here in KC. It could be because my apartment contains no Christmas decorations. (One year I did go out and buy a little tree from Target but when I looked at it I could see Charlie Brown staring at it and going, “Dude, even I wouldn’t buy that one.”) But really I think it’s just the weather in this town doesn’t correspond to my memories of the holidays. It was sixty here over the weekend so instead of snow and getting to see your breath all you saw were leafless trees and dormant grass. Sure the Plaza lights are pretty but it just isn’t Christmas to me. Snow is an important part of the season and it just seems to be missing out here.
3) Switching gears a bit, I finally listened to the latest Liz Phair CD last week despite the fact that I think I’ve owned it for a year. I literally bought it, put it in the collection and never thought about it again until the random number generator chose it. In listening to it I was pleasantly surprised because it is not a horrible album. In fact, you could say that Liz is evolving as an artist. Sadly, she is evolving into Sheryl Crow and I don’t think we need another one of her. It is a tame, tuneful album and you can’t say that about Exile in Guyville, which is probably why that album will be remembered forever while no one actually bought Somebody’s Miracle.
4) In celebrity news, they’ve dropped the charges against Natasha Lyonne, a favorite actress of mine before she went completely insane. Ok, maybe not insane but she was charged with, and I quote, “Threatening to molest her neighbor’s dog.” Personally, I want to know which politician decided years ago to put that statute on the books. You know, sat down one night and looked at all of the laws and went, “Hey were missing one about molesting your neighbor’s pet. Think we can add that this to the list.” Probably would have made the Bill of Rights except that it would have been the eleventh amendment and they didn’t want an odd number.
5) I’ve got to give a shout out to Family Guy for breaking out the Garrett Morris’ President of the School for the Hard of Hearing bit tonight. It’s an ancient Saturday Night Live bit but it’s one of the funniest ever and so completely unexpected. That said, I bet Garrett would have come in handy in many of the breakups that I’ve endured over the years.
6) Finally decided that I’ll be good and read Richard II this year. Two reasons why. First, it is a page shorter. Second, in the book of Shakespeare I borrowed (or more accurately, stole) from my mom she has class notes and underlined passages for this play. So it’s cool for me to read and I have built in Cliff Notes.
The five random CDs for the week
1) Jimmy LaFave “Texoma”
2) R.E.M. “Document”
3) Victoria Williams “Loose”
4) The Connells “Ring”
5) Cowboy Junkies “Open Road”
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Very Infrequently Asked Questions...
If it’s late on a Thursday then it must be time for some more Infrequently Asked Questions…
Question: How in the world have you gone this long without talking about the return of the McRib?
Answer: I know, I’m stunned as well. Especially given that the commercials for it indicate that this is on par with the Beatles getting back together with incredible press coverage and lines going out the door. All this for a sandwich featuring a meat like product slathered in something that is not technically ketchup but not quite motor oil. While you know going in that there is no part of a chicken that is technically a McNugget at least you could conceive of how they would be made. The McRib goes beyond this by seemingly being the product of some mutant animal that is roaming the plains of Idaho. That said, given that you can’t eat the lettuce at Taco Bell (now leaving them with only four ingredients) completely processed food might not be such a bad idea.
Question: So what is this about expanding the blog empire?
Answer: I still haven’t done my due diligence here (busy as hell this week) but earlier this week I got an email from someone inviting me to be a contributor to their blog. The good news is that I’m pretty sure that I’ve heard of this site so it might very well be legit. The bad news is that it is an NBA blog and I was chosen due to my interest in the NBA. Which, unless Lindsay Lohan suddenly became the starting point guard for the Knicks, doesn’t seem to match up with what this blog is about. Sure, I write about sports all the time and will talk about basketball from mainly an Illinois/Duke perspective but I can’t see that this would make me stand out amongst the blogsphere. Still, who knows, maybe I can figure out a way to make it work.
Question: Wait a minute, the blog is supposed to be about something?
Answer: Technically there is a purpose to all of this. Several purposes actually, many of which have appeared over the past two years. It’s always been my goal to have this site be a music review site, though I’ve lessened that as I’ve discovered that a) I have a hard time writing music reviews that don’t solely consist of “This is awesome” and b) people tend to want to read about bands that they may actually have heard of. It’s also meant to be a pop culture warehouse, which it is successful in being.
But while I didn’t think this was the overall goal two years ago I think that this really has become a case of my documenting my life. I know that sounds strange or at least self-centered but it is rather cool to know that I have two years of my life detailed in these pages. Given that I still consider myself to be on a journey to determine just who I truly am and I constantly fight the battle between being an adult and retaining my youthful idealism, I think it is a rather good time to capture these thoughts.
I still am fighting over what belongs in the blog and what doesn’t. There is one story I am working on that I’ve decided is to personal for the blog but will be fine for my memoir/short story collection. Which means that I feel weird posting it but wouldn’t have a second thought about forcing people to pay to read it. And I kind of feel like that is silly. I still won’t write about work but I’m thinking that I might relax some of my criteria in the coming months.
That’s it for tonight. Finish up your Christmas shopping this weekend.
Question: How in the world have you gone this long without talking about the return of the McRib?
Answer: I know, I’m stunned as well. Especially given that the commercials for it indicate that this is on par with the Beatles getting back together with incredible press coverage and lines going out the door. All this for a sandwich featuring a meat like product slathered in something that is not technically ketchup but not quite motor oil. While you know going in that there is no part of a chicken that is technically a McNugget at least you could conceive of how they would be made. The McRib goes beyond this by seemingly being the product of some mutant animal that is roaming the plains of Idaho. That said, given that you can’t eat the lettuce at Taco Bell (now leaving them with only four ingredients) completely processed food might not be such a bad idea.
Question: So what is this about expanding the blog empire?
Answer: I still haven’t done my due diligence here (busy as hell this week) but earlier this week I got an email from someone inviting me to be a contributor to their blog. The good news is that I’m pretty sure that I’ve heard of this site so it might very well be legit. The bad news is that it is an NBA blog and I was chosen due to my interest in the NBA. Which, unless Lindsay Lohan suddenly became the starting point guard for the Knicks, doesn’t seem to match up with what this blog is about. Sure, I write about sports all the time and will talk about basketball from mainly an Illinois/Duke perspective but I can’t see that this would make me stand out amongst the blogsphere. Still, who knows, maybe I can figure out a way to make it work.
Question: Wait a minute, the blog is supposed to be about something?
Answer: Technically there is a purpose to all of this. Several purposes actually, many of which have appeared over the past two years. It’s always been my goal to have this site be a music review site, though I’ve lessened that as I’ve discovered that a) I have a hard time writing music reviews that don’t solely consist of “This is awesome” and b) people tend to want to read about bands that they may actually have heard of. It’s also meant to be a pop culture warehouse, which it is successful in being.
But while I didn’t think this was the overall goal two years ago I think that this really has become a case of my documenting my life. I know that sounds strange or at least self-centered but it is rather cool to know that I have two years of my life detailed in these pages. Given that I still consider myself to be on a journey to determine just who I truly am and I constantly fight the battle between being an adult and retaining my youthful idealism, I think it is a rather good time to capture these thoughts.
I still am fighting over what belongs in the blog and what doesn’t. There is one story I am working on that I’ve decided is to personal for the blog but will be fine for my memoir/short story collection. Which means that I feel weird posting it but wouldn’t have a second thought about forcing people to pay to read it. And I kind of feel like that is silly. I still won’t write about work but I’m thinking that I might relax some of my criteria in the coming months.
That’s it for tonight. Finish up your Christmas shopping this weekend.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Catching up...
Lots of things to cover tonight…
1) Sorry for the lack of a post last night. I was out in Seattle for work this week and couldn’t find time to sit down and write, especially after spending what was effectively fourteen straight hours in meetings. The absolutely awful Monday post, which may or may not have been technically written in English, I’m going to blame equally on jet lag and the fact that it is very difficult for me to write from a hotel room. Somehow I just don’t feel like I’ll ever be one of those travelogue writers, though it is probably my dream gig.
2) What’s Seattle like this time of year? It’s rainy and gray and really, really windy. And for some reason, every single person in the town looks like they are really, really cool. It’s not even like they are trying that hard. They’re just walking around wearing North Face gear and thinking all day, “Wow, I am so awesome.” It’s a town I really need to hang out in.
3) I did have this thought hit me during the trip, I really believe that the only people who actually read USA Today are people who are staying at hotels. Does anyone rush over to the newsstand because they just have to have their copy? It’s not really news, it’s more like a printed version of the headline crawl on CNN. I don’t even think anyone in the hotel reads it, they just glance at the tv listings and toss it in the trash. Hell, you could probably save a ton of money by just reusing the same paper day after day. Most people probably wouldn’t even notice it.
4) Here is the absolute best advertisement that I’ve seen over the past couple of days. This year marks the twenty fifth anniversary of the Chia Pet. And, if you purchase the original version of the pottery that grows you will receive, at no additional charge, a lifesize Chia doll. Let’s examine this in detail, shall we? First of all, how in the world did Chia Pets survive in the market for twenty-five years? It’s gone from being interesting to bad to camp back to interesting to camp to bad during that time frame and yet people still walk into a Walgreens to buy them as gifts for people they don’t particularly like. At this point, it’s basically just a fruitcake that grows. Now, they are giving away toys with it and I want to know for whom does that just puts the deal over the top. “I don’t know Jethro, unless it came with a fifty cent piece of cotton I don’t know if it’s worth it.” And you can only get it with the original version, if you get the Garfield one you are out of luck. I’m telling you, every once in a while I feel that you just have to agree with the statement that no one has ever gone bankrupt by underestimating the intelligence of the American consumer.
5) On Sunday night I had a dream that I was a contestant in The Amazing Race. Add this to my dream of being in the cast of How I Met Your Mother I am now getting the sinking feeling that my subconscious has now become a CBS affiliate. I’m hoping this means more appearances of Jennifer Love Hewitt in my dreams as opposed to a more old school approach where I’m stuck reliving Diagnosis: Murder and Murder She Wrote night after night.
6) Still have to check this out but I had an email recently that offered me the opportunity to significantly expand the reach of the Battling the Current empire. Not sure if this is legit or not or whether it is the right deal for me but it might be an interesting development. Stay tuned.
1) Sorry for the lack of a post last night. I was out in Seattle for work this week and couldn’t find time to sit down and write, especially after spending what was effectively fourteen straight hours in meetings. The absolutely awful Monday post, which may or may not have been technically written in English, I’m going to blame equally on jet lag and the fact that it is very difficult for me to write from a hotel room. Somehow I just don’t feel like I’ll ever be one of those travelogue writers, though it is probably my dream gig.
2) What’s Seattle like this time of year? It’s rainy and gray and really, really windy. And for some reason, every single person in the town looks like they are really, really cool. It’s not even like they are trying that hard. They’re just walking around wearing North Face gear and thinking all day, “Wow, I am so awesome.” It’s a town I really need to hang out in.
3) I did have this thought hit me during the trip, I really believe that the only people who actually read USA Today are people who are staying at hotels. Does anyone rush over to the newsstand because they just have to have their copy? It’s not really news, it’s more like a printed version of the headline crawl on CNN. I don’t even think anyone in the hotel reads it, they just glance at the tv listings and toss it in the trash. Hell, you could probably save a ton of money by just reusing the same paper day after day. Most people probably wouldn’t even notice it.
4) Here is the absolute best advertisement that I’ve seen over the past couple of days. This year marks the twenty fifth anniversary of the Chia Pet. And, if you purchase the original version of the pottery that grows you will receive, at no additional charge, a lifesize Chia doll. Let’s examine this in detail, shall we? First of all, how in the world did Chia Pets survive in the market for twenty-five years? It’s gone from being interesting to bad to camp back to interesting to camp to bad during that time frame and yet people still walk into a Walgreens to buy them as gifts for people they don’t particularly like. At this point, it’s basically just a fruitcake that grows. Now, they are giving away toys with it and I want to know for whom does that just puts the deal over the top. “I don’t know Jethro, unless it came with a fifty cent piece of cotton I don’t know if it’s worth it.” And you can only get it with the original version, if you get the Garfield one you are out of luck. I’m telling you, every once in a while I feel that you just have to agree with the statement that no one has ever gone bankrupt by underestimating the intelligence of the American consumer.
5) On Sunday night I had a dream that I was a contestant in The Amazing Race. Add this to my dream of being in the cast of How I Met Your Mother I am now getting the sinking feeling that my subconscious has now become a CBS affiliate. I’m hoping this means more appearances of Jennifer Love Hewitt in my dreams as opposed to a more old school approach where I’m stuck reliving Diagnosis: Murder and Murder She Wrote night after night.
6) Still have to check this out but I had an email recently that offered me the opportunity to significantly expand the reach of the Battling the Current empire. Not sure if this is legit or not or whether it is the right deal for me but it might be an interesting development. Stay tuned.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
The internet for a horse
So, my friends at Deadspin have gotten themselves in a bit of an online turf war that I need to mention. See, for months one of the running jokes has been examining the messages posted to the "Get Well Barbaro" board and a) critiquing the need to write messages to a horse and b) post their own messages of varying degrees of taste in an effort to get them past the poor soul whose job it is to read what middle aged women write to a horse. As you can expect, this can only end poorly.
I'm not kidding about the Barbaro message board. For over six months now, people have been pouring out their heart and soul in sending their positive energies to the healing of a horse. In one sense, this is a very noble and kind thing to do. On the other hand, it is the most sad and bizarre act I've seen on the internet and that is saying something. First of all, Barbaro doesn't know how to read. If he did, then I would be all for doing everything possible to save his life. I mean, we were all very protective of Mr. Ed and I see no difference in this case. Second, the entire reason this extreme effort has been put forth to save Barbaro's life has nothing (or at least very little) to do with the love for the horse. It is more about making it possible for him to start knocking hooves with some other mares and earn his keep. And finally, what about Bernadini, who actually won the Preakness and gets no respect whatsoever?
Obviously, this gives my friends at Deadspin ample amounts of ammunition to attack the board in their usual manner of ascerbic wit, Chris Berman references, and questioning where was Mamula in all of this. So we now have a war between the heartfelt middle aged matriarchs and the darkly cynical sports fans. My money is on the cynical because you should never start a fight with people who feel that having nothing left to lose is a birthright. Also, they're at least trying to be funny while the people writing "Grow Hoof Grow" are hilarious in a more meta sense.
What does this all mean in the end? People can get really uptight about the feelings of an animal that cost me on a ten dollar trifecta.
(Oh, and the pointy headed Jedi actually has a name? I really need to read up on my expanded universe before I get laughed out of the next ComicCon.)
I'm not kidding about the Barbaro message board. For over six months now, people have been pouring out their heart and soul in sending their positive energies to the healing of a horse. In one sense, this is a very noble and kind thing to do. On the other hand, it is the most sad and bizarre act I've seen on the internet and that is saying something. First of all, Barbaro doesn't know how to read. If he did, then I would be all for doing everything possible to save his life. I mean, we were all very protective of Mr. Ed and I see no difference in this case. Second, the entire reason this extreme effort has been put forth to save Barbaro's life has nothing (or at least very little) to do with the love for the horse. It is more about making it possible for him to start knocking hooves with some other mares and earn his keep. And finally, what about Bernadini, who actually won the Preakness and gets no respect whatsoever?
Obviously, this gives my friends at Deadspin ample amounts of ammunition to attack the board in their usual manner of ascerbic wit, Chris Berman references, and questioning where was Mamula in all of this. So we now have a war between the heartfelt middle aged matriarchs and the darkly cynical sports fans. My money is on the cynical because you should never start a fight with people who feel that having nothing left to lose is a birthright. Also, they're at least trying to be funny while the people writing "Grow Hoof Grow" are hilarious in a more meta sense.
What does this all mean in the end? People can get really uptight about the feelings of an animal that cost me on a ten dollar trifecta.
(Oh, and the pointy headed Jedi actually has a name? I really need to read up on my expanded universe before I get laughed out of the next ComicCon.)
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Now officially on the late shift...
Bartenders have greeted me in a number of different ways over the years as I’ve stumbled into their establishments. I’ve had my share of “Norm!” and “Good to see ya” and “(Nod of recognition as I slide your beer over to you)”. Last night was a first though as I walked into my regular watering hole and the bartender goes “You’re late. Where have you been?” This means that I’ve moved beyond being a regular and now apparently have regular working hours at the place. As in my presence is required as part of the décor. As always, my life always straddles the border of being incredibly awesome and really, really disturbing.
Tough to say if I actually accomplished anything over the weekend. My apartment is slightly cleaner in that I purged some of my magazine collection and decided to pick the majority of the clothes off the floor. It actually isn’t that bad, it’s just that when I have a week like the last one that turns out to be incredibly busy I end the week with a coffee table filled with unread mail and a sink overflowing with dishes that I hope will clean themselves through their exposure to the air. I did get some more Christmas shopping done, which I performed using my usual technique of going to stores that have the least number of cars in the parking lot so I won’t have to deal with crowds. I know some people enjoy the hustle and bustle of the crowds but I would just rather be able to walk through a store without running into people who have stopped in the middle of an aisleway because apparently they had never seen a Christmas tree before.
I did have the oddest dream imaginable over the weekend. I dreamt that I was in the cast of How I Met Your Mother. That’s pretty meta given that I was dreaming about being in a show that is about my life already. It was very strange in that in the dream I was literally hanging out with Marshall, Ted and Lilly (the actors, not the characters) at an award show and talking about the show. It was realistic and in a sense, normal. Like it wasn’t like a dream at all. It was as if I really was spending my life hanging around with Allison Hannigan all day, which would totally rock. It was rather confusing once I woke up as I had to question reality for a good long time as to whether I had dreamt about a tv show, my own life, my own life as a tv show or all of the above. Along with trying to figure out what I meant when I told the guy “So what is it like playing me?”
Maybe I should put that DVD collection to the side for a little while. I tend to have a tenuous grip on reality to begin with.
The five random CDs for the week:
1) Pat McGee Band “Shine”
2) Tori Amos “To Venus and Back”
3) Josh Ritter “The Golden Age of Radio”
4) Old 97’s “Wreck Your Life”
5) Liz Phair “Somebody’s Miracle”
Tough to say if I actually accomplished anything over the weekend. My apartment is slightly cleaner in that I purged some of my magazine collection and decided to pick the majority of the clothes off the floor. It actually isn’t that bad, it’s just that when I have a week like the last one that turns out to be incredibly busy I end the week with a coffee table filled with unread mail and a sink overflowing with dishes that I hope will clean themselves through their exposure to the air. I did get some more Christmas shopping done, which I performed using my usual technique of going to stores that have the least number of cars in the parking lot so I won’t have to deal with crowds. I know some people enjoy the hustle and bustle of the crowds but I would just rather be able to walk through a store without running into people who have stopped in the middle of an aisleway because apparently they had never seen a Christmas tree before.
I did have the oddest dream imaginable over the weekend. I dreamt that I was in the cast of How I Met Your Mother. That’s pretty meta given that I was dreaming about being in a show that is about my life already. It was very strange in that in the dream I was literally hanging out with Marshall, Ted and Lilly (the actors, not the characters) at an award show and talking about the show. It was realistic and in a sense, normal. Like it wasn’t like a dream at all. It was as if I really was spending my life hanging around with Allison Hannigan all day, which would totally rock. It was rather confusing once I woke up as I had to question reality for a good long time as to whether I had dreamt about a tv show, my own life, my own life as a tv show or all of the above. Along with trying to figure out what I meant when I told the guy “So what is it like playing me?”
Maybe I should put that DVD collection to the side for a little while. I tend to have a tenuous grip on reality to begin with.
The five random CDs for the week:
1) Pat McGee Band “Shine”
2) Tori Amos “To Venus and Back”
3) Josh Ritter “The Golden Age of Radio”
4) Old 97’s “Wreck Your Life”
5) Liz Phair “Somebody’s Miracle”
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Hillary and Haylie Duff = Jango and Boba Fett?
Lisa was right in her comment earlier this week, my comparison between Paris Hilton and Yoda is flawed. It was an attempt at making a Star Wars reference that didn’t go over everyone’s head and therefore wasn’t the proper analogy. Here is a better one.
In the fabled Brittney paparazzi pictures you have Paris looking on with the exact same look on her face that Emperor Palpatine has when Anakin surrenders to the dark side. That makes Brittney Anakin and my beloved Lindsay a much more believable Mace Windu (who had the dark lord defeated until Anakin joined the fight). I guess that makes K-Fed equivalent to Padme, which makes sense as neither of them have a line of believable dialogue. Yoda would be Madonna, Obi-Wan would be Christina Aguilera, that Jedi with the pointy head would be Tara Reid and Jar-Jar would be Ashlee Simpson. Wow, Star Wars really does explain the world.
(Don’t know who Jessica Simpson would be, maybe Count Dooku or someone like that. I’m more confused by her complete butchering of 9 to 5 at the Kennedy Center honors for Dolly Parton. Her explanation was that she was having wardrobe issues while singing off of cue cards. I find this completely unbelievable as it implies that Jessica knows how to read.)
Oh, and if you haven’t checked out Brit’s website yet (what do you mean you don’t have it bookmarked?) she gives her Christmas greeting and explanation for the past couple of weeks. Her public thanking of Victoria’s Secret just seems to be the most oft-kilter reference to a publicity nightmare that I’ve ever seen. Parody is good but when you become a parody of yourself that means you’re in trouble. The other thing is that she explains this as being the first time in two years that she has had the opportunity to go out. She hadn’t even had a chance to celebrate her birthday. Yeah, I mean, having two kids can really put a cramp into your nightlife. As Fitzgerald said, “The rich are different than you and I”, this being a prime example of it.
(Though Lindsay would also make a fine Zelda. I’m just saying…)
This is going to be an interesting little weekend for me. No college football at all. There is Duke-George Mason in basketball but that is not a matchup that has me setting the Tivo. Bears play on Monday night so my television schedule is wide open this weekend. Which means I really won’t have an excuse to hang out in my apartment and will thus need to go out, do some Christmas shopping, and see what its like out in the real world. It’s a frightening thought now that I consider it, moving from the digital world back to the analog realm. We’ll see what stories I have to tell at the end of it…
In the fabled Brittney paparazzi pictures you have Paris looking on with the exact same look on her face that Emperor Palpatine has when Anakin surrenders to the dark side. That makes Brittney Anakin and my beloved Lindsay a much more believable Mace Windu (who had the dark lord defeated until Anakin joined the fight). I guess that makes K-Fed equivalent to Padme, which makes sense as neither of them have a line of believable dialogue. Yoda would be Madonna, Obi-Wan would be Christina Aguilera, that Jedi with the pointy head would be Tara Reid and Jar-Jar would be Ashlee Simpson. Wow, Star Wars really does explain the world.
(Don’t know who Jessica Simpson would be, maybe Count Dooku or someone like that. I’m more confused by her complete butchering of 9 to 5 at the Kennedy Center honors for Dolly Parton. Her explanation was that she was having wardrobe issues while singing off of cue cards. I find this completely unbelievable as it implies that Jessica knows how to read.)
Oh, and if you haven’t checked out Brit’s website yet (what do you mean you don’t have it bookmarked?) she gives her Christmas greeting and explanation for the past couple of weeks. Her public thanking of Victoria’s Secret just seems to be the most oft-kilter reference to a publicity nightmare that I’ve ever seen. Parody is good but when you become a parody of yourself that means you’re in trouble. The other thing is that she explains this as being the first time in two years that she has had the opportunity to go out. She hadn’t even had a chance to celebrate her birthday. Yeah, I mean, having two kids can really put a cramp into your nightlife. As Fitzgerald said, “The rich are different than you and I”, this being a prime example of it.
(Though Lindsay would also make a fine Zelda. I’m just saying…)
This is going to be an interesting little weekend for me. No college football at all. There is Duke-George Mason in basketball but that is not a matchup that has me setting the Tivo. Bears play on Monday night so my television schedule is wide open this weekend. Which means I really won’t have an excuse to hang out in my apartment and will thus need to go out, do some Christmas shopping, and see what its like out in the real world. It’s a frightening thought now that I consider it, moving from the digital world back to the analog realm. We’ll see what stories I have to tell at the end of it…
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Going Bowling: Part Two
Continuing through the bowl schedule…
MPC Computers (nee Humanitarian) Bowl: Miami vs. Nevada: Historically, this has been my favorite bowl game. It is played in Boise, Idaho on the smurf turf. Smurf turf is blue Astroturf, which not only disconcerts the viewer but also (and I’m not making this up) causes birds to dive into the field thinking it is a lake, thereby littering the playing surface with bird carcasses. This always adds that little bit of edge that makes the game that much more exciting. It also happens to be an ACC tie-in game for the team that screwed up their season the most and this year it is Miami. Yes, the Canes have to leave South Florida to go to Boise and play on New Year’s Eve. In the words of the immortal Lamar Thomas “Hell to da naw.”
Chick-fil-A (nee Peach) Bowl: Georgia vs. Virginia Tech: Like most guys, I feel that everything involving relationships can be described using football analogies. This starts with the simple “She has a good jersey but a bad helmet” and can move on to the more advanced “Where’s the flag for pass interference?” and “I saw that she was playing a Tampa Two so I tried a six yard out pattern but the safety cheated up so I checked down to my secondary receiver but the line started to break down so I had to throw the ball away and bring on the punt team.” (E and Super are nodding their heads in agreement right now.)
My addition to the football lexicon was using bowl games to define the relative quality and availability of girls I was trying to ask out. So the Rose Bowl would be for a classic beauty that your mom would like, the Sugar Bowl would be a southern belle and the Orange Bowl would be that girl with a little too much makeup who just won’t shut up in the middle of a date. This was epitomized in the following quote “I could go out with [name redacted due to better judgment] but it would be like accepting a bid to the Humanitarian Bowl. Sure, I’d be a big favorite and guaranteed to score some points but at some point I’d have to admit that I’m playing on blue turf in December in Boise. On the other hand, I could try for [name redacted due to embarrassment], which would be like playing in the Peach Bowl. Yeah, I’ll be a pretty sizable underdog but damnit, at least I’m playing in January where it’s warm and who knows, I might just pull off the upset.”
(Two things that strike me when I look back at this. One, I ended up in a completely different bowl game. Hell, it was a completely different sport. Like I lined up for the opening kickoff and I was handed a broom and told that we were playing curling. Second, this whole exchange probably explains why many of my relationships have been measured with a stopwatch. And I can’t say that I disagree.)
Also, I need to note that they are opening a Chick-fil-A tomorrow on my way to and from work. Apparently, people are camped in the parking lot waiting for it to open. Seriously, they were a handful of tents this morning and this evening looked like Woodstock. I can somewhat understand camping out for a PS3 but we’re talking about a chicken sandwich here. There’s another store a few miles away that is open. Does fast food need to inspire camping?
Outback Bowl: Tennessee vs. Penn State: Remember, you can’t spell Outback without UT. And Joe Pa will be back on the sidelines for this game. I’d prefer if he’d come out on the field in one of those motorized scooters. Or a golf cart. Still, always good to see the old guy back out there and swearing at the refs.
Toyota Gator Bowl: West Virginia vs. Georgia Tech: Yeah, I’m not even going to touch this joke. From experience, avoiding Jacksonville is a healthy decision to make.
Rose Bowl presented by Citi: Michigan vs. USC: I’m hoping that both teams lose. It will make my life so much better if they do. Also, if you haven’t checked out Deadspin for the latest video of a USC cheerleader cheering while UCLA scores you really should. It just adds to the evidence that USC is the home of the best rocket science program in the country. (Personally, I just like that even from the video you can see the other cheerleaders turn to her and go, “Damnit Alison, how could you be so blonde?”)
International Bowl: Cincinnati vs. Western Michigan: Want to know where you need to travel to for an International Bowl? Toronto. I’m not sure that should count as international. You couldn’t consider yourself a world traveler if all you ever visited was Ontario. Though it is nice to get that added international flavor that Western Michigan brings to any occasion.
Allstate Sugar Bowl: Notre Dame vs. LSU: This is a great matchup for the city of New Orleans as the Irish faithful will fill up the hotel rooms and spend a great deal of money on Bourbon Street. Even better, the Irish fans will be back on Bourbon by halftime because this game is going to get ugly. Before my classmates go off on me, I’ve seen this story before. When my Illini won the Big 10 they played in the Sugar Bowl vs. LSU and the entire stadium was wearing purple and gold and Rohan Davie played like he was Johnny Unitas. I can see the same thing happening again. I don’t want it to, but the Irish will probably not have the speed to play with an insanely motivated Tigers team.
(Don’t know if I’ll head down for the game or not. It’s tough for me to turn down an opportunity to head down to Nola but I’ll probably be back in March anyway.)
Tostitos BCS Championship Game: Florida vs. Ohio State: Back in college one of my best friends was this guy named Pat Bradshaw. (I’ve included his name for no reason other than I’ve lost touch with him and I figure he’s the type of guy who would google his own name and stumble upon the blog.) Anyway, as we both prepared for graduation we applied to grad schools and he decided to go to Ohio State for his masters in biochemical engineering. I, on the other hand, accepted a teaching assistantship at Florida to work on my master’s in electrical engineering. That lasted for about three weeks until I got a job offer and decided that getting paid to work in a nuclear power plant was a better option than hanging out with coeds in Gainesville.
Sigh.
I still hold a special place for Florida in my heart and since I can’t cheer their basketball team due to that fat piece of crap Billy Donovan I just pull for the football team. So, even though I don’t think much of this Florida team I hope they win. Plus, this would mean that everyone would have one loss and we’ll be that much closer to having a playoff. Which would be good, other than we’d lose the whole “Brut by Faberge” experience.
MPC Computers (nee Humanitarian) Bowl: Miami vs. Nevada: Historically, this has been my favorite bowl game. It is played in Boise, Idaho on the smurf turf. Smurf turf is blue Astroturf, which not only disconcerts the viewer but also (and I’m not making this up) causes birds to dive into the field thinking it is a lake, thereby littering the playing surface with bird carcasses. This always adds that little bit of edge that makes the game that much more exciting. It also happens to be an ACC tie-in game for the team that screwed up their season the most and this year it is Miami. Yes, the Canes have to leave South Florida to go to Boise and play on New Year’s Eve. In the words of the immortal Lamar Thomas “Hell to da naw.”
Chick-fil-A (nee Peach) Bowl: Georgia vs. Virginia Tech: Like most guys, I feel that everything involving relationships can be described using football analogies. This starts with the simple “She has a good jersey but a bad helmet” and can move on to the more advanced “Where’s the flag for pass interference?” and “I saw that she was playing a Tampa Two so I tried a six yard out pattern but the safety cheated up so I checked down to my secondary receiver but the line started to break down so I had to throw the ball away and bring on the punt team.” (E and Super are nodding their heads in agreement right now.)
My addition to the football lexicon was using bowl games to define the relative quality and availability of girls I was trying to ask out. So the Rose Bowl would be for a classic beauty that your mom would like, the Sugar Bowl would be a southern belle and the Orange Bowl would be that girl with a little too much makeup who just won’t shut up in the middle of a date. This was epitomized in the following quote “I could go out with [name redacted due to better judgment] but it would be like accepting a bid to the Humanitarian Bowl. Sure, I’d be a big favorite and guaranteed to score some points but at some point I’d have to admit that I’m playing on blue turf in December in Boise. On the other hand, I could try for [name redacted due to embarrassment], which would be like playing in the Peach Bowl. Yeah, I’ll be a pretty sizable underdog but damnit, at least I’m playing in January where it’s warm and who knows, I might just pull off the upset.”
(Two things that strike me when I look back at this. One, I ended up in a completely different bowl game. Hell, it was a completely different sport. Like I lined up for the opening kickoff and I was handed a broom and told that we were playing curling. Second, this whole exchange probably explains why many of my relationships have been measured with a stopwatch. And I can’t say that I disagree.)
Also, I need to note that they are opening a Chick-fil-A tomorrow on my way to and from work. Apparently, people are camped in the parking lot waiting for it to open. Seriously, they were a handful of tents this morning and this evening looked like Woodstock. I can somewhat understand camping out for a PS3 but we’re talking about a chicken sandwich here. There’s another store a few miles away that is open. Does fast food need to inspire camping?
Outback Bowl: Tennessee vs. Penn State: Remember, you can’t spell Outback without UT. And Joe Pa will be back on the sidelines for this game. I’d prefer if he’d come out on the field in one of those motorized scooters. Or a golf cart. Still, always good to see the old guy back out there and swearing at the refs.
Toyota Gator Bowl: West Virginia vs. Georgia Tech: Yeah, I’m not even going to touch this joke. From experience, avoiding Jacksonville is a healthy decision to make.
Rose Bowl presented by Citi: Michigan vs. USC: I’m hoping that both teams lose. It will make my life so much better if they do. Also, if you haven’t checked out Deadspin for the latest video of a USC cheerleader cheering while UCLA scores you really should. It just adds to the evidence that USC is the home of the best rocket science program in the country. (Personally, I just like that even from the video you can see the other cheerleaders turn to her and go, “Damnit Alison, how could you be so blonde?”)
International Bowl: Cincinnati vs. Western Michigan: Want to know where you need to travel to for an International Bowl? Toronto. I’m not sure that should count as international. You couldn’t consider yourself a world traveler if all you ever visited was Ontario. Though it is nice to get that added international flavor that Western Michigan brings to any occasion.
Allstate Sugar Bowl: Notre Dame vs. LSU: This is a great matchup for the city of New Orleans as the Irish faithful will fill up the hotel rooms and spend a great deal of money on Bourbon Street. Even better, the Irish fans will be back on Bourbon by halftime because this game is going to get ugly. Before my classmates go off on me, I’ve seen this story before. When my Illini won the Big 10 they played in the Sugar Bowl vs. LSU and the entire stadium was wearing purple and gold and Rohan Davie played like he was Johnny Unitas. I can see the same thing happening again. I don’t want it to, but the Irish will probably not have the speed to play with an insanely motivated Tigers team.
(Don’t know if I’ll head down for the game or not. It’s tough for me to turn down an opportunity to head down to Nola but I’ll probably be back in March anyway.)
Tostitos BCS Championship Game: Florida vs. Ohio State: Back in college one of my best friends was this guy named Pat Bradshaw. (I’ve included his name for no reason other than I’ve lost touch with him and I figure he’s the type of guy who would google his own name and stumble upon the blog.) Anyway, as we both prepared for graduation we applied to grad schools and he decided to go to Ohio State for his masters in biochemical engineering. I, on the other hand, accepted a teaching assistantship at Florida to work on my master’s in electrical engineering. That lasted for about three weeks until I got a job offer and decided that getting paid to work in a nuclear power plant was a better option than hanging out with coeds in Gainesville.
Sigh.
I still hold a special place for Florida in my heart and since I can’t cheer their basketball team due to that fat piece of crap Billy Donovan I just pull for the football team. So, even though I don’t think much of this Florida team I hope they win. Plus, this would mean that everyone would have one loss and we’ll be that much closer to having a playoff. Which would be good, other than we’d lose the whole “Brut by Faberge” experience.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Going Bowling: Part One
Well, it’s that time of year again. Time for me to break down the top bowl matchups so you know just how to spend the next month of your life in front of the television, especially now that How I Met Your Mother is in reruns. (As is my own life, but that’s a rant for another day.) As there are a million bowl games this year I’ll break this into two parts. First, the lesser bowls.
Pioneer Pure Vision Las Vegas Bowl: BYU vs. Oregon: In a rather stunning move, the strip clubs in Las Vegas have actually begun laying off employees in preparation for this game. However, since whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, bars have been advised to stock up on O’Douls. The good money is that the most popular game in the casino this weekend will be the change machine.
R&L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: Rice vs. Troy: I am assuming that Troy is actually a school and not just one guy. Though to be honest, he is taking on Uncle Ben so it might be a closer matchup than originally anticipated.
Papajohns.com Bowl: South Florida vs. East Carolina: Winner will take on the winner of the West New Hampshire vs. North Wyoming to determine the best imaginary state school.
New Mexico Bowl: New Mexico vs. San Jose State: This is a rather impressive move by New Mexico, ensuring that it will make a bowl game by inventing one for itself. It’s the college football equivalent of naming your own kid the starting quarterback when you are the coach of the team. Do they also buy national championship rings for everyone on the team just so they’ll feel like winners?
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: Arizona State vs. Hawaii: Well, if I went to school in Hawaii I wouldn’t leave the state either. Actually, there is a really good reason why Hawaii is in this game. The payout on this bowl is so low that any school that accepts a bid actually loses money by playing the game due to the cost of getting the team there and the fact that they never sell enough alumni tickets. That said, would you complain about flying to Hawaii to play in a meaningless bowl game?
Motor City Bowl: Middle Tennessee vs. Central Michigan: I’ve included this game just because both of these schools made bowl games and my Illini did not. How sad is that? My alma mater can’t even come close to dreaming of a bowl game yet Middle Tennessee gets to travel to Detroit and… you know, come to think of it, maybe it’s not that bad that we missed out on bowl season this year.
Texas Bowl: Rutgers vs. Kansas State: This used to be called the GalleryFurniture.com bowl so while they’ve improved on the name we’ve now lost the promotion of a website that was never heard of other than their promotion of this bowl. How off the radar is this game? It’s on the NFL Network, which can be viewed by upwards of dozen of households around the country. I’ll be cheering for Rutgers in this one, partly because they were a cool underdog team who just missed out on being in the Orange Bowl and partly because I hate Kansas State. Something about wearing purple uniforms and calling themselves Wildcats.
Brut Sun Bowl: Oregon State vs. Missouri: This is the best name for a bowl game since the heyday of the Poulan Weed Eater Independence Bowl and the Humanitarian Bowl. Yes, Missouri Tigers football brought to you by Brut by Faberge. Brut, it’s what you wear when you don’t want to smell entirely like ass but you don’t really feel like trying that hard either. I am going to be discussing this bowl in great detail with anyone I meet over the next month just so I can say “Brut….by Faberge” over and over again. (It doesn’t take much to keep me entertained).
Champs Sports Bowl: Purdue vs. Maryland: Purdue made a bowl game? How the hell did Purdue make a bowl game? Hadn’t they lost every game when they showed up in South Bend? They were one of the worst teams I saw all year and they made a bowl game? Man, now I’m really bummed about my Illini missing the bowls. And this one is in Orlando as well, so I would have had an excuse to go to Disney World. I mean, how could I miss out a chance to visit Tomorrowland where you can see what forty years ago people thought five years ago would be like.
That’s it for the first half. Coming up tomorrow: The wonders of smurf turf, what makes an International Bowl and why the Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl is a metaphor for life itself. Stay tuned.
Pioneer Pure Vision Las Vegas Bowl: BYU vs. Oregon: In a rather stunning move, the strip clubs in Las Vegas have actually begun laying off employees in preparation for this game. However, since whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, bars have been advised to stock up on O’Douls. The good money is that the most popular game in the casino this weekend will be the change machine.
R&L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: Rice vs. Troy: I am assuming that Troy is actually a school and not just one guy. Though to be honest, he is taking on Uncle Ben so it might be a closer matchup than originally anticipated.
Papajohns.com Bowl: South Florida vs. East Carolina: Winner will take on the winner of the West New Hampshire vs. North Wyoming to determine the best imaginary state school.
New Mexico Bowl: New Mexico vs. San Jose State: This is a rather impressive move by New Mexico, ensuring that it will make a bowl game by inventing one for itself. It’s the college football equivalent of naming your own kid the starting quarterback when you are the coach of the team. Do they also buy national championship rings for everyone on the team just so they’ll feel like winners?
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: Arizona State vs. Hawaii: Well, if I went to school in Hawaii I wouldn’t leave the state either. Actually, there is a really good reason why Hawaii is in this game. The payout on this bowl is so low that any school that accepts a bid actually loses money by playing the game due to the cost of getting the team there and the fact that they never sell enough alumni tickets. That said, would you complain about flying to Hawaii to play in a meaningless bowl game?
Motor City Bowl: Middle Tennessee vs. Central Michigan: I’ve included this game just because both of these schools made bowl games and my Illini did not. How sad is that? My alma mater can’t even come close to dreaming of a bowl game yet Middle Tennessee gets to travel to Detroit and… you know, come to think of it, maybe it’s not that bad that we missed out on bowl season this year.
Texas Bowl: Rutgers vs. Kansas State: This used to be called the GalleryFurniture.com bowl so while they’ve improved on the name we’ve now lost the promotion of a website that was never heard of other than their promotion of this bowl. How off the radar is this game? It’s on the NFL Network, which can be viewed by upwards of dozen of households around the country. I’ll be cheering for Rutgers in this one, partly because they were a cool underdog team who just missed out on being in the Orange Bowl and partly because I hate Kansas State. Something about wearing purple uniforms and calling themselves Wildcats.
Brut Sun Bowl: Oregon State vs. Missouri: This is the best name for a bowl game since the heyday of the Poulan Weed Eater Independence Bowl and the Humanitarian Bowl. Yes, Missouri Tigers football brought to you by Brut by Faberge. Brut, it’s what you wear when you don’t want to smell entirely like ass but you don’t really feel like trying that hard either. I am going to be discussing this bowl in great detail with anyone I meet over the next month just so I can say “Brut….by Faberge” over and over again. (It doesn’t take much to keep me entertained).
Champs Sports Bowl: Purdue vs. Maryland: Purdue made a bowl game? How the hell did Purdue make a bowl game? Hadn’t they lost every game when they showed up in South Bend? They were one of the worst teams I saw all year and they made a bowl game? Man, now I’m really bummed about my Illini missing the bowls. And this one is in Orlando as well, so I would have had an excuse to go to Disney World. I mean, how could I miss out a chance to visit Tomorrowland where you can see what forty years ago people thought five years ago would be like.
That’s it for the first half. Coming up tomorrow: The wonders of smurf turf, what makes an International Bowl and why the Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl is a metaphor for life itself. Stay tuned.
Monday, December 04, 2006
Giving the store away...
Some flotsam and jetsam topics that weren’t addressed yesterday…
Topic #1: It was correctly pointed out that if I am going to start reading Shakespeare’s histories then I should read Richard II before the Henry plays since they occur in that order. I still need to make a decision on this. While Richard II would be the correct way of doing it, Henry IV features Falstaff and as a rule I can only read Shakespeare when it involves a drunk or a woman impersonating as a man or a case of mistaken identity involving twins. Falstaff gives me the first and possibly the second, depending on how drunk he is at the time. Basically, I have to decide if the Henriad is like the Godfather trilogy or like Star Wars. Even if it is like Star Wars, getting Jar Jar out of the way early might not be a bad thing.
Topic #2: Ok, I really do need to write about the Brittney Spears upskirt pictures from last week. There’s just no way I can stay in good standing as a pop culture critic without addressing this issue. (No, I’m not going to post the pictures. They are easy to find on your own.) First of all, it’s kind of difficult to call these pictures upskirts. It’s more like “up a rather large belt”. This is why it is so obviously a publicity ploy. I mean, you are being hounded by the paparazzi so you go out in the shortest skirt possible, don’t wear any underwear and get out of the car by spreading your legs wide right in front of the guy with the zoom lens. Yeah, not subtle at all.
(The best part about the pictures are the expression on Paris Hilton’s face. She looks kind of like Yoda when Luke first learned to levitate the rocks. Actually, Paris looks a lot more like Yoda than I would like to admit. Maybe this is how she is escaping the clone army by appearing to be as dumb as possible. So I guess that would make Brittney her Padwan and Lindsay Mace Windu.)
Anyway, this is a huge mistake for Brittney and is going to end up costing her millions. Not because it is going to ruin her teeny-bopper image. That was lost a long time ago. Two kids will do that to you. No, what’s dumb about this is she gave this all away for free. Let’s be honest, no one gives a damn about her for her music or her dancing. The attraction is that she was a vaguely attractive popstar. Put Brit on the cover of Playboy and it would sell a ton of issues. Now the thrill is gone (as well as the opportunity for some much needed airbrushing). If you’re going to go out and whore yourself, you might as well go to the highest bidder.
Topic #3: I’ve added this to my links on the right but I have to mention it here. Mainly because this might be the entire reason the internet was invented. About two weeks ago my choice for the best band on the planet (The Frames) performed a concert at this club in the Netherlands on a Tuesday night. It was taped and the entire thing is available as a streaming video stream. It’s just what this club does for bands that come to town and it is the smartest thing I’ve heard of in years. Free publicity, a concert film that you could later sell as a DVD, all at no cost to the band. And this show by The Frames is just insane. Just click on Seven Day Mile or People Get Ready or Revelate and you’ll understand what I am talking about.
Topic #1: It was correctly pointed out that if I am going to start reading Shakespeare’s histories then I should read Richard II before the Henry plays since they occur in that order. I still need to make a decision on this. While Richard II would be the correct way of doing it, Henry IV features Falstaff and as a rule I can only read Shakespeare when it involves a drunk or a woman impersonating as a man or a case of mistaken identity involving twins. Falstaff gives me the first and possibly the second, depending on how drunk he is at the time. Basically, I have to decide if the Henriad is like the Godfather trilogy or like Star Wars. Even if it is like Star Wars, getting Jar Jar out of the way early might not be a bad thing.
Topic #2: Ok, I really do need to write about the Brittney Spears upskirt pictures from last week. There’s just no way I can stay in good standing as a pop culture critic without addressing this issue. (No, I’m not going to post the pictures. They are easy to find on your own.) First of all, it’s kind of difficult to call these pictures upskirts. It’s more like “up a rather large belt”. This is why it is so obviously a publicity ploy. I mean, you are being hounded by the paparazzi so you go out in the shortest skirt possible, don’t wear any underwear and get out of the car by spreading your legs wide right in front of the guy with the zoom lens. Yeah, not subtle at all.
(The best part about the pictures are the expression on Paris Hilton’s face. She looks kind of like Yoda when Luke first learned to levitate the rocks. Actually, Paris looks a lot more like Yoda than I would like to admit. Maybe this is how she is escaping the clone army by appearing to be as dumb as possible. So I guess that would make Brittney her Padwan and Lindsay Mace Windu.)
Anyway, this is a huge mistake for Brittney and is going to end up costing her millions. Not because it is going to ruin her teeny-bopper image. That was lost a long time ago. Two kids will do that to you. No, what’s dumb about this is she gave this all away for free. Let’s be honest, no one gives a damn about her for her music or her dancing. The attraction is that she was a vaguely attractive popstar. Put Brit on the cover of Playboy and it would sell a ton of issues. Now the thrill is gone (as well as the opportunity for some much needed airbrushing). If you’re going to go out and whore yourself, you might as well go to the highest bidder.
Topic #3: I’ve added this to my links on the right but I have to mention it here. Mainly because this might be the entire reason the internet was invented. About two weeks ago my choice for the best band on the planet (The Frames) performed a concert at this club in the Netherlands on a Tuesday night. It was taped and the entire thing is available as a streaming video stream. It’s just what this club does for bands that come to town and it is the smartest thing I’ve heard of in years. Free publicity, a concert film that you could later sell as a DVD, all at no cost to the band. And this show by The Frames is just insane. Just click on Seven Day Mile or People Get Ready or Revelate and you’ll understand what I am talking about.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Pop culture musings
Some thoughts on what I saw on television over the weekend…
1) The Danny DeVito drunk on The View incident
So, apparently Danny DeVito showed up drunk on the set of The View last week, due to a very late night drinking with George Clooney. Now, let’s ignore how those two ended up drinking together (I’m just going to assume that Clooney is a really big fan of Throw Momma from the Train). I bet I can accurately recreate the conversation that they had the night before.
Clooney: Aw come on Danny, stay for one more drink.
DeVito: No, I got to get home to the wife.
Clooney: Dude, you’re married to Rhea Pearlman.
DeVito: You’re right. Let’s do a couple of shots.
(A little bit later)
DeVito: Man, I got to get going…
Clooney: Why?
DeVito: You know, I just got to get going.
Clooney: No, I want you to tell me one good reason why you feel that there is a better option for you right now than being in this bar.
DeVito: Well, I got to be up early in the morning to do an interview on The View.
Clooney: Seriously?
DeVito: Yeah, you know, promote the movie and all that.
Clooney: So, you’re telling me that you want to go home just so you can see Rosie O’Donnell in the morning?
DeVito: What am I saying? Break out the Jager.
To be honest, that isn’t much difference than every other conversation that I ever had at the Backer.
2) A commercial for the “World famous KFC bowls”
There are many things that have made me concerned for the planet. Deforestation, the continual increase in the concrete to grass ratio and the fact that there has been a great deal of focus in the news media regarding Brittney Spears decisions in the underwear department (which is a post in its own right). But the fact that the KFC bowls can now be described as world famous may just put me over the edge. Any menu item that is created by taking four other menu items, tossing them in a bowl and covering them with gravy does not deserve to be world famous. It should probably be banned by UN decrees.
3) Dr. Pepper promoting its 23 flavors
First, I want to figure out how they determined that there are 23 flavors. Flavors just don’t seem like something that you can easily count. Is this based on a complicated chemical analysis or just some guy sitting in an office thinking up adjectives to describe Dr. Pepper. If it is that then just what are those last few flavors because let’s admit it, we’re talking about one of the lesser colas. I’m guessing those last three flavors are “battery acid”, “despair”, and “you know the way you retch when you walk past an overflowing garbage can on a really hot day? Yeah, Dr. Pepper kind of tastes like that.”
The five random CDs for the week:
1) Death Plan for Cutie “Plans”
2) Cowboy Junkies “Open”
3) Freakwater “Feels Like the Third Time”
4) Alejandro Escovedo “With These Hands”
5) Josh Rouse “Subtitulo”
1) The Danny DeVito drunk on The View incident
So, apparently Danny DeVito showed up drunk on the set of The View last week, due to a very late night drinking with George Clooney. Now, let’s ignore how those two ended up drinking together (I’m just going to assume that Clooney is a really big fan of Throw Momma from the Train). I bet I can accurately recreate the conversation that they had the night before.
Clooney: Aw come on Danny, stay for one more drink.
DeVito: No, I got to get home to the wife.
Clooney: Dude, you’re married to Rhea Pearlman.
DeVito: You’re right. Let’s do a couple of shots.
(A little bit later)
DeVito: Man, I got to get going…
Clooney: Why?
DeVito: You know, I just got to get going.
Clooney: No, I want you to tell me one good reason why you feel that there is a better option for you right now than being in this bar.
DeVito: Well, I got to be up early in the morning to do an interview on The View.
Clooney: Seriously?
DeVito: Yeah, you know, promote the movie and all that.
Clooney: So, you’re telling me that you want to go home just so you can see Rosie O’Donnell in the morning?
DeVito: What am I saying? Break out the Jager.
To be honest, that isn’t much difference than every other conversation that I ever had at the Backer.
2) A commercial for the “World famous KFC bowls”
There are many things that have made me concerned for the planet. Deforestation, the continual increase in the concrete to grass ratio and the fact that there has been a great deal of focus in the news media regarding Brittney Spears decisions in the underwear department (which is a post in its own right). But the fact that the KFC bowls can now be described as world famous may just put me over the edge. Any menu item that is created by taking four other menu items, tossing them in a bowl and covering them with gravy does not deserve to be world famous. It should probably be banned by UN decrees.
3) Dr. Pepper promoting its 23 flavors
First, I want to figure out how they determined that there are 23 flavors. Flavors just don’t seem like something that you can easily count. Is this based on a complicated chemical analysis or just some guy sitting in an office thinking up adjectives to describe Dr. Pepper. If it is that then just what are those last few flavors because let’s admit it, we’re talking about one of the lesser colas. I’m guessing those last three flavors are “battery acid”, “despair”, and “you know the way you retch when you walk past an overflowing garbage can on a really hot day? Yeah, Dr. Pepper kind of tastes like that.”
The five random CDs for the week:
1) Death Plan for Cutie “Plans”
2) Cowboy Junkies “Open”
3) Freakwater “Feels Like the Third Time”
4) Alejandro Escovedo “With These Hands”
5) Josh Rouse “Subtitulo”
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