Further Instructions for my Clone

(Lindsey Lohan Alert: Lindsey has recently been seen canoodling with Olympic gold medallist “The Flying Tomato” Shaun White. We cannot confirm that they are an item but they were definitely seen “getting better acquainted” in New York. As a result, I am changing the Lohan Alert level to “Orange”, meaning that informants will be placed at all nightspots until who she is dating is confirmed. That is all.)

(For those interested, part one of this was posted back in November 2004. Check the archives)

Further Instructions for my Clone

A lot of the time you will hear people complain that life doesn’t come with an instruction manual. The good news is that in your case it actually does. Here are a few more lessons that I learned so that you won’t have to.

You are not allowed to choose your own nickname. However, if at all possible try to convince someone to start calling you Red Dragon. There is no better feeling than walking into a bar and having a number of people yell out “Red Dragon”. Trust me, just try to make it happen.

Expect to have a head of hair that is unruly, unmanageable and that has a surprising ability to turn itself into a mullet overnight. As a result, find a good stylist and tip them well. Work to get on good terms with them, you will need all the help you can get.

On tipping. It’s a dollar a drink. No matter what the drink, even if they just grabbed a bottle of beer and handed it to you, it’s a dollar a drink. Find out the bartender’s name, tip them a dollar and say “Thanks, insert name here.” First of all, it’s just good manners. Second of all, this is what causes your bar tab to decrease over time. Also, it’s twenty percent on all dinner tabs and you round up. Never be the person that the staff bitches about at the end of the shift.

If someone tells you, “Dude, you’ve got to do this” then a) you really don’t have to and b) you’re probably better off not. There is nothing in life that is a required course. Choose your own path.

If you follow my advice and go to Notre Dame you’ll discover that the weather is horrible seemingly all of the time. Then you’ll walk pass the Dome on a crisp fall day and think, “This is cool.” A few months later when the snow is drifting down as you walk past the Grotto you’ll realize, “This is the most beautiful place on planet Earth.” It’s the moments that matter, no matter how fleeting they might be.

In filling out your tournament brackets find Duke and write them into the Sweet 16 automatically. Find the odd SEC team like Mississippi or Georgia that somehow ended up as a 3 or 4 seed and have them lose in the first round. Find the Big 12 teams and have them all losing in the first round. Pretty much wins you the pool right there.

When life gets you down, find a place that serves beer and a good bowl of gumbo. It might not solve the problem but it makes the world seem a little nicer place to hang around in.

I had to turn 32 before I figured this one out but having breakfast in the morning is actually a good thing. You know cereal, orange juice the whole package. Coffee and a handful of Oreos does not count, even though that was my routine for, oh I don’t know, a decade.

At some point in life, find a way to stand on stage in front of a group of people and perform something that you created. A song, a dance, a stand up routine, whatever. From that moment on you’ll know that nothing in life can ever faze you because you had the courage to put the spotlight on yourself and show who you are to a roomful of people.

The best concert that you’ll ever see is the one you decide to go to at the last minute featuring a band you’ve barely heard of. The show that you’ve waited a year for and showcases the CD you’ve been listening to nonstop for days will always be a disappointment. It’s sad but true, sometimes life will never live up to your expectations.

You are going to be blessed with a photographic memory, which will make taking tests easy and will give other people the impression that you are intelligent. It also means that you will remember every embarrassing moment in brilliant detail for years after the fact. This, like most things in life, is a trade off.

And at the end of the day, always remember the words of Bobby “The Brain” Heenan: “Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat.”