The greatest hypothetical question ever

Saw this on Reddit this evening and it is the best question that I have been posed in a long time. You can choose from one of the following ten magical items. Which one do you choose and why?

1) A pot that can produce 1,000 kilograms of any food a day.
2) A bracelet that keeps weather perfect wherever you go and within a 250 kilometre radius.
3) A necklace that allows you to touch books and instantly absorb knowledge from them, without reading.
4) An unlimited bottle of perfume that will make you wildly attractive to the opposite sex (or same sex if you’re gay), which cannot be used on anyone you love.
5) A watch that allows you to reverse time by a minute or less per day.
6) A bell that when rang fixes any one object at a time, excluding living things, within a minute.
7) A chocolate bar, with twelve pieces, that makes anyone who eats a single piece invincible and youthful until the age of 160.
8) A no fuel required, maintenance free, eight person van that can take you anywhere on the planet within one second.
9) A remote control that allows you and another person to change, superficially, into anyone you want; the effect lasts until you decide to revert.
10) An immortal dog that poops out one gold coin every time it goes to the bathroom.

I’ll break these down one by one to get to my decision.

1) This quickly caught my attention as I immediately think “I can feed the planet!” Except that a) 1,000 kilos of food really isn’t that much when split amongst six billion people and b) almost no famines are a result of a lack of food (politics and war are the causes). You could also use it under the idea of “I’ll never have to go to the grocery store” or “I could hike that Appalachian Trail without having to pack food” except that then you would still have to deal with 1,000 kilos of food. I’ll pass.

2) No real interest in this one. Besides the fact that you would really screw up the weather pattern I’m not really interested in perfect weather. Last night we had a huge snowstorm that made it look like I had suddenly been transported to Hoth. I like watching a thunderstorm. If I wanted life to be constantly 75 and sunny I would move to California.

3) Very tempting especially for someone who craves knowledge as much as I do. However, outside of being able to totally kick Ken Jenning’s ass at Jeopardy I’m not sure how much use I would be able to get out of this. Knowledge does not equal ingenuity so even though I may know everything about a subject it does not mean that I can make that leap to the next step. Plus, it would mean I would no longer have to read and a life without books sounds rather boring.

4) Easily skipped. The only person whose opinion I care about in that matter is the woman I love.

5) A lot of people online chose this one and while I understand why it doesn’t make the top of my list. One reason people gave was “you can make a ton of money gambling” but I feel that the one minute rule would make going to a casino rather annoying as you could only play fast paced games and it just seems like an awfully difficult way to become rich. The better reason is that you could take back all of the stupid things you do in life. All of those boneheaded statements or actions that you immediately want to take back but can’t. That has an awful lot of value but for me it sometimes takes more than a minute for it to sink in just how stupid I was. It is horrible in real life knowing that you can’t go back in time and change things. Now imagine that you had the ability but didn’t recognize in time for you to do so.

6) Well, you could make a mint running the ultimate repair shop but other than that I’m not sure what use I would get out of this. It might be the most practical choice on the list but if I have a chance to get my hands on a magic item I am not going with what is practical.

7) Wow. Reminiscent of Hob Gadling in the Sandman who said “Death is a mug’s game. I’m not playing.” There is something to be said about being able to live a long and healthy life but the important thing to remember is that life is what you make of it. If you are a miserable person you would simply be miserable for 160 years. The world could be a sucky place for 160 years. You could see disco come back three or four times. That said, the ability to provide this to those you love as well makes it all the much better. There is nothing worse than having to say goodbye much too soon. Very tempting.

8) This is one of my two final choices. First off, this van will give you one of the most important things in the world: time. Think about all of the time you spend in traffic. Every day I spend an hour driving back and forth to work. That is 200 hours a year spent doing nothing. Imagine getting all of that time back. Then add on the ability to travel anywhere you want instantly. Screw having perfect weather, you could go to wherever the weather you want is. No going to airports to travel. You have the magic van and you can take your friends along with you. Hopefully it has a killer stereo system.

9) A while back this may have been more tempting but I have spent years getting adjusted to life in my own skin. I don’t really feel a need to be in anyone else’s. Sure, it would be cool to look like someone who is famous but that isn’t the same as being famous. Just not worth it.

10) My other final choice. You’ll be rich owning this dog but not super rich. You’ll just always make a little money every day. More importantly, you will always have a loving dog by your side who will be with you for the rest of your life. Think about the favorite dog you ever had and know that he or she would never leave you, will always be there at the window when you get home and will love you unconditionally until the end of time. Would it get any better than that?

So I have to choose between the magic van and the wonder dog. And I’m going to weasel out a little by putting in the following qualification. If I can state the dog that I will choose (meaning I can choose one that I already love and know I would want for the rest of my life) I would take the dog. If it is a random dog (meaning that it would most likely be a small, yippy dog that will essentially be nothing more than a gold coin dispenser to me) then I will take the van.

Thoughts? What would you choose?

They could be twins...

(I just saw another picture of Chastity Bono post-sex change operation and I have to say that she looks exactly like Charlie Weis. I mean put a headset on her, uh him, and put her…I mean him on the Notre Dame sidelines and people will think that we’ve entered a time warp. To be honest it would probably be an upgrade in coaching as well.)

I know that this is strange coming from someone who just complained about the cold yesterday but does it bother anyone else that schools in the northeast were cancelled because it was cold out? That has always annoyed me and I see it much more now than I ever recalled as a kid. We did have school canceled once or twice but those were the fifty below wind chill days where death was a legitimate possibility. It is cold out and I’m glad that my car has heated seats but it is not that bad out there. Go to class.

Otherwise I’ve pretty much got nothing. I find it really odd that there is so much talk about whether or not Jay Cutler quit on the Bears yesterday. There was nothing that I saw that made it look like he quit. He was heading to the locker room well ahead of his teammates at the end of the first half (while the Packers still had a play to go) and I don’t know of any starter period who would be doing that unless he was hurt and was going to get checked out. And as several people have said, it’s not like he hasn’t got the crap knocked out of him all season so why would he choose the biggest game of his career to choose to not play? Doesn’t make sense at all and a torn ligament seems to show that he was right. Basically he was too hurt to be effective and a healthy third string quarterback gave the team a better chance to win than a hurt Cutler.

I know we all live off of the stories of the injured player taking the field and leading his team to victory. More often it is the injured player taking the field and running a rather ineffective offense until he further injures himself and is forced to leave the game. Not everything in life works out like a movie script. And hell, if the Bears would have won the game wouldn’t everyone be praising the fact that the team took out the injured quarterback in order to have a chance to win?

We'll just cry in our pizza

Well, I guess I am happy that I decided not to live blog the Bears game this afternoon. I thought about it then realized that I had too many other things to take care of than to dedicate three plus hours in front of the television and my laptop and in the end that saved me a great deal of heartache. Basically this post would just be “Oh wow, another incomplete pass…”, “Cutler is playing like crap today”, “Is Todd Collins the drunk Collins quarterback or the vaguely good Collins quarterback or neither” and “Why is the Bears season resting on the shoulders of a quarterback that I have never heard of before? Not in the sense that I didn’t know that he was on the Bears. I haven’t heard of this guy in college or the pros.” That said, I never fault a team for over achieving and no one expected the Bears to get this far at the beginning of the season. Hell, some people had them coming in last in the division.

I’ve also discovered that I’ve either become less of a Chicagoan as I’ve spent a decade now not living in the city or old age has finally caught up to me in terms of the weather. I spent most of my life shrugging off the cold. I often mention the fact that I once went to class when the air temperature was fifteen below zero (and a wind chill in the range of minus forty.) And this was for a 9 AM college class when I was a senior. Hell, I didn’t even have to go; I just went because there was no way a little wind was going to stop me from doing my job. Now, I go outside and it is twenty degrees out and I am just dying. I’m shivering and my fingertips ache (probably due to my walking to a freaking psychology class in below zero weather). I’ve become a snowbird in waiting.

Oh, and I guess I will say right now that I am very upset regarding the television schedule this week. Both How I Met Your Mother and The Big Bang Theory are repeats and The Biggest Loser is only going to be an hour due to the State of the Union address. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: this country needs to get its priorities straight. A speech regarding our future should not preclude us from watching the two hours of joy that comes from watching obese people exercise. Especially since last week two of the contestants somehow gained nine pounds apiece while on the show. I don’t think I’ve ever gained nine pounds in a week in my life. I don’t know how you do that on a weight loss show.

Also, is it just me or has everyone fallen a bit out of favor with The Big Bang Theory. I don’t know if it is the move to Thursday or just the fact that it has been a real lackluster season but it has gone to one of my favorite shows ever to one that I watch when I get around to it. I’ve missed episodes and I have a few sitting on my DVR that I will watch eventually but I am in no hurry to see. Meanwhile I get upset if I miss an episode of Holmes Inspection, which has taught me to never hire a contractor in Canada. But I want the Big Bang Theory to be good and this season just isn’t working and I don’t know why. The addition of Blossom is good, the Bernadette character is hysterical and Penny and Leonard actually make sense as a broken up couple which is weird given they had no chemistry as an actual couple which is made even more bizarre by the fact that they were dating in real life. Anyone else feel this way?

That is about it. Let’s all be safe out there this week.

Best of 120 Minutes: For some reason I was struggling to think of a song to post tonight and Primus jumped into my head. Two things: 1) I never did get a chance to see these guys in concert and I kind of feel bad about it and 2) I completely forgot about the nachos subplot in this video.



The five random CDs for the week:
1) Tift Merritt “Home is Loud”
2) Josh Rouse “El Turista”
3) Liz Phair “Liz Phair”
4) Golden Smog “Weird Tales”
5) Guided by Voices “Human Amusements at Hourly Rates”

Tiger mothers and other thoughts

Have a few more random notes for the night.

1) I’ve already achieved one of my New Year’s resolutions. Last Sunday this blog received over 200 hits completely shattering my goal of breaking 100. For the record, I was not one of those hits as I took the entire day off from the blog. I assume this means that I was linked to by something though I have no real clue what it could possibly be. Still, great to know that I have readers out there.

2) Here is one of those strange stats I found out while trying to figure out how I go that much traffic. If you use google this site is one of the top links if you a) search for “strawberry shortcake’s enemy” or b) images of Rolos candy. I have no idea why either is the case but I get a surprising amount of traffic from it.

3) I also did find proof that I am still listed as a blogger who supports Funkhouser for mayor of Kansas City and I guess that I will now officially state that I am fully behind keeping the Funk in Kansas City. No town is in more desperate need of funk than KC. Hey, he brought the Chiefs a home playoff game. What more could you want? Plowed streets? A sports arena that actually showcases, you know, sports of some kind?

4) I am glad to see that the Biggest Loser is now letting us know a little more about the level of workouts that the contestants are doing and how we might measure up. As in last night I was slightly slower doing my 5K on a treadmill than two morbidly obese people running a tag team 5K on a treadmill. I’m not sure what my response to that should be. I guess I am roughly as fit as two really fat people put together. That doesn’t sound nearly as impressive as I would like.

5) There is a lot of press around that Tiger Mother book that basically states that the proper way to raise a child is by forcing them to be successful at everything, do not have them participate in sports, and grow up friendless which, now that I think about it, sounds surprisingly like my childhood. Actually, I’m pretty appalled by what I’ve read in the media about the parenting technique because it just sounds like the perfect way to have a kid burn out at 16. I actually wasn’t pressured into being the top student at the expense of everything else. It just happened to be the way I am and I found that my competitive streak was better suited for academics than sports. My parents didn’t push me in any way; they were amazingly supportive.

The reason I say this burns kids out is something I learned in electrical engineering and saw a ton of people suffer from in my MBA program, which is the higher the level of education you go the more likely you are to become average. When I entered EE I went from being one of the smartest people around to being pretty typical. Some classes I was above average, some I was below. That is a huge shot to your ego and not everyone can adjust to it. I was prepared for it in grad school but others weren’t. It is amazing to sit in a room filled with brilliant people during orientation and realize that from this moment on half the people here are below average.

The other thing, and a few commentators have brought this out, is that this whole parenting method is presented as a Chinese thing when in reality it is simply an immigrant thing. All immigrant groups place a focus on their children becoming successful and academics is the easiest path to success. The pressure to do your best is not new to society at all. I was raised to understand that school was important, that college was not expected but required and that the biggest thing at the end of the day is not how well you did but rather that you did your very best. If I was raised any other way I don’t think I would have turned out nearly as well.

Shane McGowan must be spinning in his grave and/or gutter

Nothing saddens me more than when television reminds me of just how incredibly old I am. One day you are the king of the world and the next day you are a nonsubstative demographic. And there is nothing that makes a Gen Xer feel quite so old as watching a commercial that uses The Pogues to sell minivans.



It wasn’t always this way. For one brief moment (roughly from 1992 to whenever the Spice Girls topped the charts) Gen X actually ruled the pop culture roost. Heck, even later on we still had some market power. We were a small generation but a rather prolific one from an artistic standpoint. Plus we all got rich from the dot com boom (or so the news media would lead you to believe) so we all had money to spend. Now we have all become hockey moms.

I know this sounds as though I am going a little overboard given all this really means is that someone in an ad agency decided the Pogues would make good background music but it is more than that. First of all, as opposed to how Moby songs are always placed in commercials to the point that you don’t recognize the song this commercial literally uses the first two verses of “If I Should Fall From Grace With God” precisely as they were recorded. The song is the focus of the commercial. But, even though it is the focus, there is absolutely no connection between the song and what is happening in the commercial. I’m pretty sure that Shane McGowan did not have little kids playing hockey in mind while writing the song. In fact, other than the use of the word “boys” repeatedly in the song I can’t think of a single connection between the song and the commercial.

No, the real reason they are promoting mini-vans with The Pogues is the simple fact that those of us who listened to The Pogues are now at an age where we need to buy mini-vans. This song was released in 1988, when I was a sophomore in high school. Pretty much anyone who was influenced by this song when it was first released is now seriously thinking about having a roomy third row seat.

Part of me wants to stand up and scream and yell that this isn’t true. That Gen X has not reached the point where we are all going to settle down and live happy little suburban lives. That is not what our generation is about. But then I get to thinking that I will be getting married soon and I will be the last, or at least close to the last, of my high school class to get married. Hell, I’ve probably been lapped in terms of the number of marriages. Thanks to Facebook I know that classmates of mine have kids in high school already. I hate to admit it but if you owned a Pogues cassette tape in high school you probably do need to look into investing in a mini-van right about now.

I’ve always wondered what drives a mid-life crisis. I’ve always assumed that it is the realization that your life is conceivably half over and you haven’t accomplished anything that you set out to do or even come close to becoming the person you envisioned. It might be worse now. Today your midlife crisis is driven by having the cultural of your youth served back to you in order to sell you products for your adulthood. Thirty years from now I am going to hear Nirvana songs used to sell me on retirement property. I’m not sure there is a convertible that I could buy to make that existential ache go away.

So before the song gets inevitably tied to little tykes skating here is The Pogues performing If I Should Fall From Grace With God the way it was meant to be played: raw, raucous and with the unnerving suspicion that Shane is so drunk he cannot see the crowd in front of him.

Have you ever noticed...

Some thoughts from the past couple of days…

1) We had a decent sized snow storm last week. Nothing too bad but enough to make driving a little tricky especially given that part of my daily drive is on a two lane road that passes for a major street in the wonderful world that is Delaware. Yes, the best way to go north / south in the state is using a two lane route that features more hills and blind curves than you could ever imagine. Well, while driving home after the storm on this road I found myself caught behind a guy riding a bicycle who was in the dead center of my lane. My 45 mph speed limit lane. I had two thoughts. A) It is really tough to pass a bicyclist when doing so would entail a head on collision and B) While I am all for helping the environment and reducing gasoline consumption it is January so get in a damn car.

2) Given all of my air travel you would think I would have had to do this sooner but I finally was forced to go through one of those airline screener machines. You know, one of those that caused the entire “Don’t touch my junk” debate from a few months ago that no one remembers now. Had to go through one at Philly and it was a pretty unmemorable experience. The only annoying thing is that you have to empty everything out of your pockets and I mean everything. I had to go through extra screening because I had a packet of breathstrips in my back pocket so maybe it is a little intense.

3) Ricky Gervais got in trouble at the Golden Globes for making fun of rich, famous people. This tells us two things. The first is that rich, famous people cannot take a joke to save their lives. The second thing is that the only way for people to give a damn about the Golden Globes is for rich, famous people to be insulted during the ceremony. Otherwise the whole thing is about as spontaneous as Wrestlemania and roughly as relevant. Hell, they gave an acting award to Pia Zadora once.

4) Yes I am overjoyed that my Bears are in the NFC Championship game against the hated Green Bay Packers. There is no hate quite like the Chicago vs. Wisconsin hate. It is a war based on one side having culture and nightlife while the other side has trees and, uh, cheese. Seriously, no one lives in Wisconsin on purpose. At best people view it as a way of serving their time in Purgatory on Earth. At worst it is just a bunch of people who consider Minnesota too cold and Canada too exciting.

5) As part of my weight loss routine I am using EA Active 2.0 and I have to say that this is easily the best version yet. While I still don’t think that it gives the best upper body workout this iteration can be absolutely cruel when it comes to cardio. Apparently I am incapable of doing mountain climbers without feeling as though my entire body is about to collapse in pain. I know people joke about using the Wii as a way to get fit but if you want a less intimidating way to start your workout program this is definitely a way to start.

My 2011 New Year's Resolutions

After much delay here are my 2011 New Year’s Resolutions. Keep them handy in order to taunt me about how horrible a person I am. Or at least so you can refer to me as an utter failure. Anyway, here they are.

Resolution #1: Get my weight down to 185 pounds: I’m at about 195 right now with 190 being the high end of the “normal” weight range for my height. I think that 185 will be a good weight for me to be at and is certainly achievable. That would still take another ten pounds of fat off my frame (and 30 pounds from the heaviest version of me that has waddled around the planet) and should leave me fairly healthy. I use weight because it would be a good measure of fitness but I have another resolution that fits into this category…

Resolution #2: Run a 5K in less than my age: That would technically be in under 37 minutes (though if I wait until after September I can do it in under 38 minutes). I know that doesn’t sound too impressive and in college I was able to run consistently under 30 minutes (not superstar speed but better than a couch potato) but I think this would be a big accomplishment for someone with my background. I’ve already cut my time on the treadmill down from about 44 minutes to 39 minutes but I really want to do this in a real, outdoors, 5K.

Resolution #3: Write 125,000 words in the blog this year: That is the equivalent of writing five 500 word posts a week for 50 weeks. I know that for years I kept a solid five days a week writing schedule but because of my life and my job that has gotten much tougher. My laptop is not always conveniently by my side and some nights I just have more things to do. That said, if I can’t write a post one night maybe I can make it up by writing more detailed posts another night. It is worth a shot.

Resolution #4: Get 100 visits in a day per Blogger stats: I would still like to see this blog get some real traffic if just because I think it would be cool to know that 100 people checked out what I wrote on a given day. I’ve certainly gotten visitors from around the world and had commenters from everywhere but it would be nice to increase my overall readership.

Resolution #5: Learn how to cook healthy meals: I still don’t really know how to cook and I certainly don’t know how to cook a healthy meal. I basically know how to heat things that came in prepackaged materials. This is actually a good thing since it means that I have no bad habits to unlearn as I start on a path towards being healthy.

Resolution #6: Read 50 books this year: It is certainly a stretch goal as I don’t know if I have ever read that many books in a year but I think it would be great if I can read a book a week. It is interesting that in the past few years I have started to watch much less television but have spent more time reading (which would probably hurt my chances at trivia now that I think about it.) Reading forces me to spend less time watching television or surfing the internet and that is a really good thing.

Resolution #7: Reader’s Choice: Yes, once again I leave it to my faithful readers to tell me what I should do this year. What do you think is the best step that I could take to improve myself? What fun task must I do to prove my worth? Put your best ideas in the comments.

Resolution #8: Send out my monthly email reports: After I finished grad school I started sending out monthly emails about my life to a group of my friends. As I’ve said on a few occasions I never really did it because I felt that my life was that interesting. I was living in KC at the time; by definition it could not be interesting. But it was my way of staying in touch with everyone and it worked wonders. Over the past year I really fell out of the habit though and I would really like to get back to the old days of every month writing my friends and updating them on what is going on in my neck of the woods. I just find it a neat thing to do.

Resolution #9: Be More Assertive: One of the really strange aspects of my personality is that while I am really smart and typically know what needs to be done I have no assertiveness at all. Hell, at times just making a phone call can be rather difficult. That is a silly habit that just needs to stop. I’ve accomplished too much in life to not feel the initiative to take a hold of things.

Resolution #10: Be the best husband that I can be: Sometimes it is hard for me to grasp that it won’t be long until I am married and I will add husband to my list of duties. I have to admit that I am still learning how relationships work (I’ve now been with Kim longer than every other relationship I’ve had put together and that is being nice and counting girls I went and had coffee with as a “relationship”) and I screw up a hell of a lot of the time. But I am learning from my mistakes and I’m improving. All I want to do is be the best version of me that I can possibly be for Kim. It’s a nice goal to have.

Thoughts on Arizona

I was going to post my 2011 resolutions tonight but news events (and a late flight) have made me change plans. I’ll write about my resolutions tomorrow because tonight I want to give my thoughts on the tragedy in Arizona. And it truly is a tragedy, any time that six innocent people are killed and many more wounded for nothing more than wanting to meet their congressperson it is truly a tragedy.

The first thing I want to touch upon is just how tough it is to get reliable information at the beginning of a story like this. I happened to flip on CNN right as the story broke so I was able to watch all the conflicting stories come across including multiple conflicting reports as to whether or not the congressperson was alive or not. It is a bit of a curse of the 24 hour news cycle. At times there is no news and minor stories get played into national issues (anyone heard anything about the New York mosque recently?) but in a breaking story everyone must break the news first and in a case like this the first reports are almost certainly wrong. Everyone is confused in a situation like this and it always takes a little time for the truth to come out.

The second point, which is also pointed at the media and the general public, is how quick people are to assign motive and place blame before any information is known and I speak of this from personal experience. If you check the blog archives on the night of the Virginia Tech shooting I posted my thoughts on the event with the assumption that the shooter was an engineering student who cracked under the pressure of school. While I still stand by what I said that night about the pressures placed on students I was completely and utterly wrong about the motive and I am a little ashamed of my post as a result.

The same case is at play here. Within an hour people were blaming inflammatory political speech and the heated political climate as the reason for the shooting without knowing if the shooter was left wing or right wing or just a maladjusted, mentally unstable young man. Assassination attempts do not have to have political causes. John Hinckley shot Reagan in an attempt to impress Jodie Foster. Until more information is known making wild speculations typically makes the situation worse.

This is not the same as my condoning the current level of political discourse in the country. I pretty much hate it. I dislike the fact that hatred has come into play in politics at a level that I have never seen before. I would love to see things calm down and more rational voices be heard. One can disagree with another’s view without comparing them to Hitler. But at the end of the day I am a free speech advocate and that means I must protect the rights of people to say things that I hate so while I wish people would dial down the rhetoric I will in no way try to force them to do so.

(I also find it moving and symbolic that during the Constitution reading last week Congresswoman Gifford read the first amendment because the fact that we have a first amendment allows us to avoid violent political action being a common occurrence.)

My thoughts and prayers go out to the victims and their families. I do hope that we learn something from this tragedy even if it is only getting a greater sense of how precious life is.

The five random CDs for the week:
1) Howie Day “Australia”
2) Immaculate Machine “Ones and Zeros”
3) Zachary Richard “The Best of Zachary Richard”
4) Wilco “Sky Blue Sky”
5) Tori Amos “Little Earthquakes”

The complete 2010 booklist

Just for completeness sake here is the full list of all of the books I read in 2010 in case you want to compare your reading habits to mine. Or, consider it a simple way for me to make up a missed blog post. My 2011 New Year’s Resolutions will be posted on Sunday.

1) “What the Dog Saw” Malcolm Gladwell
2) “The Essential Book of Useless Information” Don Voorhees
3) “The World Without Us” Alan Weisman
4) “Lost in a Good Book” Jasper Fforde
5) “Debunked!” Richard Roeper
6) “Ring of Hell” Matthew Randazzo
7) “In Cold Blood” Truman Capote
8) “Why New Orleans Matters” Tom Piazza
9) “The Unnamed” Joshua Ferris
10) “Inventory” The Onion A.V. Club
11) “Game Change” John Heilemann and Mark Halperin
12) “Revenant” Carolyn Haines
13) “Little Wars” H. G. Wells
14) “The Pluto Files” Neil DeGrasse Tyson
15) “M is for Magic” Neil Gaiman
16) “American On Purpose” Craig Ferguson
17) “Stuff White People Like” Christian Lander
18) “Boomsday” Christopher Buckley
19) “The Watchman” Robert Crais
20) “Are We Winning?” Will Leitch
21) “In Defense of Food” Michael Pollan
22) “The Big Short” Michael Lewis
23) “The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake” Aimee Bender
24) “A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Future” Michael J. Fox
25) “No Country for Old Men” Cormac McCarthy
26) “The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society” Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Burrows
27) “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” Stieg Larson
28) “Packing for Mars” Mary Roach
29) “Super Sad True Love Story” Gary Shytengart
30) “Lies the Government Told You” Andrew Napolitano
31) “Don’t Vote It Just Encourages Them” P.J. O’Rourke
32) “The Graveyard Book” Neil Gaiman
33) “The Shallows: What the Internet is Doing to our Brains” Nicholas Carr
34) “At Home: A Short History of Private Life” Bill Bryson
35) “Earth: The Book” Jon Stewart
36) “Stiff” Mary Roach
37) “Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim” David Sedaris
38) “Written on the Body” Jeanette Winterson
39) “21 Dog Years” Mike Daisey
40) “Things I’ve Learned From Women Who’ve Dumped Me” Edited by Ben Karlin
41) “Naked” David Sedaris
42) “Antony and Cleopatra” William Shakespeare

2010 Booklist

As some people know I have kept track of every book that I have read since 1998. Pretty much everything you need to know about me can be explained via that one sentence. The only thing that would surprise people is that it is in a Word document and not a spreadsheet (though I do note how long it took me to read each book.) I finished 42 books in 2010 and thought that I would give some highlights of what was on my reading list last year.

“The World Without Us” by Alan Weisman: Ever wonder if the planet would be a better place if we all simply left and handed things back over to the plants and animals? Well here is your chance to find out. This is the book that led to the several Life After People television specials that featured wonderful computer generated images of just how everything that we have built will simply crumble to the ground in fifty years and in a few thousand years there will be no evidence that we were even here, except for some patches of contaminated soil. An interesting read though not what one might call uplifting.

“Ring of Hell” by Matthew Randazzo: As I’ve said in the past I allow myself to read one pro wrestling book each year. Otherwise my reading list could become overwhelmed with things like autobiographies by “The Million Dollar Man” Ted Dibiasie. This book looked at the life and death of Chris Benoit, someone who was one of my absolute favorite wrestlers of all time which makes the fact that he murdered his wife and son and then committed suicide all the more troubling. There are some issues with the book but it gives a view into the really dark side of pro wrestling as the wear and tear and constant concussions drive a seemingly normal person to commit the most heinous act one could ever imagine.

“In Cold Blood” by Truman Capote: This probably counts as my piece of classic literature this year. Though it starts slow this is such an amazing book as it marks a change in both the nature of non-fiction and essentially introduces the true crime genre of literature. Capote does an amazing job capturing what it is like in west Kansas and just how random the events that took place were.

“The Unnamed” by Joshua Ferris: My favorite novel of the year. The story of a man who cannot control the fact that at random points in his life he must stand up and start walking. He doesn’t know where he will walk or why or for how long. He just starts walking and cannot control it. I know the premise seems to be a bit out there but how the author ties this into how he relates with his family and relationships results in one of the most striking books that I have read in ages. I strongly encourage people to give this book a try.

“The Pluto Files” by Neil DeGrasse Tyson: Neil likes to state that it isn’t really his fault that Pluto is no longer a planet but you know what? It’s his damn fault. He’s the one who removed it from the list at the New York Planetarium so he innately approved of its removal from planethood. Well I like Pluto and feel that having nine planets in our solar system is only natural so screw you Prof. Tyson.

“American on Purpose” by Craig Ferguson: I wish I was younger and / or less employed so that I could stay up later and watch Craig Ferguson. I’ve only caught small bits of his late night show and I’ve greatly enjoyed them and his autobiography fits right in. Just an amazing story about his life as a comic and his battle with alcoholism. The guy is truly one of a kind and while I’m not one to typically recommend television personality autobiographies this is a good one to read.

“Are We Winning” by Will Leitch: I should note that Will is a fellow Illini and was a year behind me at school and was quite possibly on the team that beat me in the finals of the Intramural Sports Trivia competition. This book is about baseball and how we use baseball to bond with our fathers. It also focuses on the Cubs – Cardinals rivalry and if you are a fan of either team or have an undying hatred for either team that adds to the insight. Another good book by the founder of Deadspin and the guy whose career I wish I had.

“The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake” by Aimee Bender: The story of a girl who when she eats food she experiences the emotions of the person who made it or even of the factory where the food came from. Also a story of what it means to be considered a genius at a young age only to grow up and find out you really aren’t that special after all. I’m still not quite sure I understood everything that went on in this book but I was glad that I read it.

“No Country for Old Men” by Cormac McCarthy: I’ll just quote something I read this week: “Everything in life is debatable except for Cormac McCarthy.”

“The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” by Stieg Larson: Yes, I did read this book. Look, I spend half my life in airports so I feel as though I was required to read it. It is certainly a fun murder mystery that keeps you guessing throughout while teaching you more about Swedish journalism and the intricacies of Nordic legal systems than you would ever really care to know about. Even though the book has a great plot and unique characters I’m more than a bit surprised that it has become such a huge hit. On the surface it just doesn’t seem like a book that would connect with the mainstream American audience.

“Super Sad True Love Story” by Gary Shytengart: A novel that takes place in the near future where everyone is a blogger and the most important thing in your life is your credit score. I guess that means that this novel takes place next Tuesday. This is one of those books with two narrators so you spend it going back and forth and while that is an interesting literary device I have yet to find a book where that doesn’t result in you wishing this chapter would be over so you could get back to the narrator you like. Also this is quite possibly the only book that puts a precise dollar value on immortality.

“Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim” and “Naked” by David Sedaris: I should note that I also read “Stuff White People Like” this year and David Sedaris was listed as, well, something white people like. What I found interesting about him is that while I love him as a humorist I don’t find myself laughing when I read his work. It is funny but not in a punch line sort of way. I think this hits me because that is more along the lines of when I am best as a writer. I like to consider myself a writer of humorous essays but I do not have that natural punch line timing of a comic. Typically when I try to write that way it falls incredibly flat. I’m more suited to writing in a subdued style where the humor is there but it isn’t hitting you over the head.

“Antony and Cleopatra” by William Shakespeare: I end every year by reading a new Shakespeare play and this year it was time to go to ancient Rome where life is basically one big episode of the Real Housewives of Alexandria. In essence, Cleopatra is bipolar, Antony can’t do anything correctly including kill himself and Caesar is really Octavian though he is called Caesar the entire play despite the fact that this just confuses everyone into thinking that it refers to Julius Caesar. Not one of the bard’s best works though the scene of Cleopatra beating the crap out of a messenger for bringing bad news is all kinds of awesome.

Wednesday Night Music Club: I think all alarm clocks should be reprogramed to go off with Arcade Fire’s “Ready to Start.” No one would sleep late again.

Might as well reprint those Free Lindsay shirts

(Yes that was a rather heartrending episode of How I Met Your Mother last night. Sadly I had the ending spoiled for me before I had a chance to watch it (damn you Facebook) but it still hit pretty hard. I don’t want to spoil it here but I will say that the episode was amazingly constructed and makes perfect sense when you realize that over the course of the series the show has never been a typical “ha ha” sitcom. There has always been a running plot on how these characters are becoming adults and dealing with a lot of those issues in a very realistic way.)

In a case of good news and bad news My Beloved Lindsay is out of rehab but may have to go to jail on a parole violation. Which of those is good news and which is bad news is really left for the reader to decide. And the whole going to prison thing is so a non-Hollywood thing. Really, when was the last time you saw one of these starlets actually have to do any real time for their actions. I know that the California prison system is overcrowded but I think we could find a little space in a closet somewhere to place a Lohan or a Hilton. They are rather thin and should be easily stackable.

Keeping with the celebrity news Snooki from the Jersey Shore has written a novel so add her name to the list of people who have been able to get a novel published before me. Yeah, fifteen plus years spent slaving away at a manuscript, six years blogging in an effort to catch the eye of an agent, and an orange midget who can’t even properly spell her own name is somehow able to land a publishing deal. I would really like to know if she has even read her own book. We all know that she didn’t write it; I legitimately want to know if she took the time to sit down and read it.

Oh, and Taylor Swift broke up with a Gyllenhall and is now back on the market, which just happens to correspond with my blog post where I say awfully nice things about her. Not that is anything more than a coincidence or anything… Actually, it is totally a coincidence. I’m more than happy with where my life is right now. I’m more upset by the fact that I am aware of Taylor Swift’s dating life given that it has absolutely no bearing on my life whatsoever.

Last thing, corresponding with tonight’s debut of the new season of The Biggest Loser I am embarking on a weight loss program. Actually I’ve already started it but it is always nice to tie it in with the Biggest Loser because at least I know that I weigh less than they do. Anyway, if anyone wants to send me some diet or exercise advice I would be more than happy to receive it. I really do need to knock off these last few pounds so that I will no longer be considered overweight. I will be much happier knowing that I was at a healthy weight on my wedding day.

The 10 Best Selling Albums of 2010

Given that we are at the end of the year / start of a new year I figured that I would take a look back at the year in music by discussing the ten bestselling albums of the year. Note that I have no idea how this list was created nor do I own or could even say that I have listened to any of these albums so this will essentially be snarky comments on things that I have no clue about. Not much difference than the rest of my posts when you think about it.

(By the way, Katy Perry, who has horrible skin, came in at number eleven which just goes to show that even sleeping with a muppet does not guarantee chart success.)

#10: Alicia Keys “The Element of Freedom”: I believe the element of freedom is bismuth. One of the things that you will notice about the top selling artists is that with a few, very minor exceptions, they could have appeared on the bestsellers list in 2000. I’m pretty sure Alicia Keys has been around that long. Basically the only people who still actually buy music are people who were buying music in 2000 and haven’t updated their taste in music since then.

#9: Sade “Soldier of Love”: Or 1990 for that matter. Every time I think of Sade I end up thinking about Chaka Kahn whose only song, hell the only lyric I know, is her going “Chaka Kahn Chaka Kahn”. I have no idea why this sticks in my head the way it does. Anyway, you really can’t talk smack about Sade because she just has way too good of a voice. I’m actually happy to see her on the list.

#8: Michael Buble “Crazy Love”: I’ll hand it to Michael Buble for seeing a niche and exploiting it. There is always going to be a need for Frank Sinatra type music and with Frank gone (barring a Tupac like comeback) he decided to dedicate himself to being the guy still making that big band style music. There will always be a market for it because it is a really timeless brand of music. Plus, it is music that you buy for your parents or grandparents and thus he is much more likely to sell physical copies of his music and get paid as opposed to people just stealing it online.

#7: Susan Boyle “The Gift”: Sigh. For a moment there it was looking like this list would be a reality show free zone. Again, I doubt that anyone bought this for themselves. It is called “The Gift” because everyone bought it as a gift for that person that they kind of know but don’t really want to go through the effort of thinking through an actual present. It is the musical equivalent of a Chili’s gift card. I’m sorry but given the fact that her entire story is “non-attractive people can sing, too!” is too cynical even for someone like me to get behind. The fact that this is her main selling point just makes me disgusted about the music business in general.

#6: Black Eyed Peas “The E.N.D.”: Oh please be the end. I would be overjoyed if this is the end of one of the most annoying bands in existence. Outside of “Let’s Get It Started”, which was overplayed the third time it hit the airwaves, I’ve really had no patience for this band especially given that it features Fergie who hits the trifecta of not being able to sing, dance, or look attractive. It’s basically dance music for people who don’t actually like dance music or hip hop for those unfamiliar with hip hop. If you are listening to the Black Eyed Peas you need to be aware that whatever aspect of their music that you like there are a number of people out there who do that much, much better.

#5: Taylor Swift “Speak Now”: No one is going to believe this but I actually like Taylor Swift. I first heard her three or four years ago (whenever Teardrops on my Guitar originally came out) and I found her to be a perfectly acceptable country artist. Good singer who made it through a lot of hard work as opposed to a reality show victory. I’m really happy that she is making it big though I think she is hitting the overexposure level and is going to have to be a little careful if she wants to have a long career. Still, nice to see her make a strong showing.

#4: Lady Antebellum “Need You Now”: The second country entry on the list, which shows that since music sales have dropped the individual genres are now on a much more even playing field than ever before. Basically my only knowledge of this band is that someone told me I should style my hair like one of the guys in the band for my wedding. I’m not even sure who it is or what his hair looks like but I will just automatically assume that it is a bad idea. I just have a feeling that fifteen years ago someone was told “You should wear your hair like that Billy Ray Cyrus guy at your wedding!” I would like to at least be in my own wedding pictures.

#3: Justin Bieber “My Worlds”: As I’ve been mentioning the fun thing about the music business now is the fact that since most people my age and younger get their music online (often through nefarious methods) the acts that would have been best sellers when I was in college no longer breakthrough on the charts. Mainly the people who are buying music tend to be rather old or tweens. Hence the popularity of Justin Bieber whose market consists entirely of twelve year old girls who have money to buy music but haven’t learned how to use Bit Torrent yet. Again, I know nothing of his actual music and God willing I never will. I think I can live a full and productive life without ever hearing him sing.

#2: Eminem “Recovery”: Eminem is still alive? Good for him. I have actually heard some tracks from this album and it looks as though he is back in serious mode and making some really good music. Eminem has always had this strange tendency of going beyond putting humor into his songs to actually becoming something along the lines of a hip hop Weird Al. Just look at a few of the videos and ask yourself “Could Weird Al star in this?” That is what makes his career so tough to figure out. He can produce some of the darkest, most intense, stuff you’ll ever hear but the next single will be a comedy track.

#1: Lady Gaga “The Fame (Monster)”: Yes, this was the year of Lady Gaga who seems to have entered the realm of being famous for being famous. Now I know that she does make music and I’ve heard some but even someone who is oblivious to the music scene probably knows her as that woman who wears all of the wild outfits. She really did create an image of Madonna for the 21st Century as her fame is more dependent on her than her musical output. In this day and age that is what you need to do to be a superstar. Without MTV or consistent radio play the only way to become famous is to act as though you are famous already and have the internet cover you as someone who is important. It’s fascinating from a cultural perspective at least.

New Year's Resolutions Revisited

Everyone has their own traditions for New Years. Maybe it involves spending the day with family or trying out the latest hangover cure or, if you are the Big Ten, losing every single game you possibly could. For me the New Year marks several things. It means that I start a new Word document for my writer’s journal which is now entering its fourteenth year. Yes, that means essentially fourteen years of keeping a diary. I’d say that I am a teenage girl but even teenage girls don’t keep diaries for fourteen years. But my main focus of the New Year is making my resolutions.

However, before I post my 2011 Resolutions I thought that I should check how I did on the 2010 edition. Because resolutions are meaningless without public accountability.

Resolution # 1: Get my weight down to under 190 pounds: As of this morning I weigh 196 pounds. Technically I did not reach my goal but this is down from my peak weight of about 215 earlier this year so it is still a loss of 15 to 20 pounds which is pretty impressive for a non-Biggest Loser contestant. The even better news is that I have been able to keep the weight off all year. I still have more to lose, especially going into the wedding, but at least I made progress on this one.

Resolution # 2: Be more attentive: I have worked a lot at not being so much a slave to multitasking. Essentially what would happen is I would be talking to Kim and she would notice that I was fading from the conversation because I was doing something online. I used to think that I could do two things at once but now I’ve come to realized that I just tend to do two things badly in that instance. I still fail too often (Triple Town on the Kindle can apparently take control of my mind) but I would like to think that I am in the moment more now than I was at the beginning of the year.

Resolution # 3: Complete a 3,000 piece jigsaw puzzle by myself: Done. Took me four months of sitting on the floor of my apartment with the most evil jigsaw puzzle ever made (I swear to God it was one third sky and the sky was the easiest part of the puzzle) but I did it. It is sad to think just how much joy I take out of completing something like that. There are times in my life where I have to take on a challenge where for me to succeed I have to have the will to finish more than anything else.

Resolution # 4: Have breakfast every day: Technically true if you consider coffee on its own as breakfast. Horribly untrue if you believe that breakfast should consist of something other than a Fiber One bar (and trust me, there is no joy in eating a Fiber One bar.) Given how much effort I am putting into losing weight you would think that eating breakfast, which is always stated as the first thing you should do to lose weight, would be easier to do. Focus for this year, obviously.

Resolution # 5: Get to work earlier: Sigh. Yeah, I failed at this one. I have no idea why it can be so tough for me to get out of bed in the morning. I will be awake, listening to NPR, but can’t take those few steps out of bed. I even keep an alarm clock on the other side of the room but when it goes off I get out of bed, turn it off, and then promptly get back under the covers. Maybe my bed is just too comfy. Or I’m lazy. One of the two.

Resolution # 6: Learn to cook to the point that I can make dinner for Kim: Well, I never made dinner for Kim so I guess this one should be considered a failure. I still have a desire to learn how to cook and I am making some progress but I still have a great deal of distance to go before I could legitimately say that I know how to cook. But again, given that I am going to be really health focused this year I think this might show up on my new list.

Resolution # 7: Reader’s Choice: If I remember correctly the reader’s choice for this year was to take up swimming. I don’t believe I swam at all this year. I didn’t even buy goggles though let’s face it; the goggles do nothing. I apologize to all of my readers out there.

Resolution # 8: Have 100 people read the blog in one day: I’m not sure if I broke this level or not. I did have some pretty popular days per Blogger stats and I became the number one link on google for searches for “strawberry shortcakes enemy”, which should count for something. Plus, I had a reader from Greenland and a Greenland reader must be worth like, 20 Canadians. I’ll admit that I really fell out of the blogging habit this year for a lot of reasons but it is nice to know that I still have an audience.

Resolution # 9: Expand my musical tastes: I surprisingly failed at this one. I probably bought less music this year than at any point since I was 16 years old. And I didn’t download stuff for free either; I just simply did not search out new music. On some level I blame the death of the music magazines and my lack of concert attendance as it is much tougher for me to find out about new acts than it used to be. But mainly I think I just needed to give my ears a year off. Maybe this year I’ll be able to hear new music without being so blasé about it.

Resolution # 10: Prepare to be the best husband that I can be: If there was anything this year was about it was this and I am still a work in progress. I always thought that being in a relationship would be easy; I am a nice, caring guy so just being myself would be all that is required. However, I never noticed the selfish guy who also existed there because when you aren’t in a relationship being selfish really isn’t that big of a deal. Plus, I have now been with Kim longer than all of my previous relationships put together and that is even if you consider going to get coffee with a girl to be equivalent to dating. In essence, I’ve never dealt with the issues that arise when you are in a real relationship.

I still screw up from time to time. More often than that to be precise. But I am pissed to no end at myself when I screw up and am trying everything I can to be the best that I can be. I am the luckiest man alive to be with Kim. It’s the least that I can do to try to be my best in return.

Best of 120 Minutes: Old school Wilco tonight. I just can’t find the time to write my mind the way I want it to read.



The five random CDs for the week:
1) Cowboy Junkies “Rarities, B Sides, and Slow, Sad Waltzes”
2) Rilo Kiley “More Adventurous”
3) The Tragically Hip “Road Apples”
4) Belly “Star”
5) Alejandro Escovedo “Gravity”

You just can't please everybody...

I’ve been blogging for over six years now and the process still amazes me. Such as I never quite anticipated that something I wrote would anger the people behind the BBVA Compass Bowl. For those wondering and who didn’t read the comment on the last post: BBVA is the second largest bank in Spain, a nation that will most likely have to declare bankruptcy in, oh, the next five minutes. So I will have to admit that a) BBVA is a real company, b) Compass is the name of the US bank they acquired and is not a reference to a deep seated, almost erotic, love of directional devices, c) I still question whether sponsoring a bowl game in Birmingham featuring Pitt and Kentucky is a good use of their marketing dollars and d) no one is questioning my statement that Dave Waanstadt is the worst coach who ever lived. As long as we all agree on the last point I am satisfied.

(Oh well, still not as bad as the comment from the person who disliked one of my music reviews. A review that I began by stating “As someone who attended a Weird Al show this year I cannot claim to have any taste in music whatsoever.”)

Well, it snowed in Philly on Thursday, which resulted in the end of the world. I am not kidding on this one. We received a dusting of snow (I don’t even think we had an inch total) and absolutely no one could drive anywhere. I know that this was the first snow of the year and that usually causes people to freak out but this was absolutely insane. It took me two hours to complete a drive that should take me at most forty five minutes. I spent about thirty minutes at a dead stop. Now if I lived somewhere that it didn’t typically snow I can understand it but we had three blizzards last year. Driving in snow is a rather common occurrence. I just wanted to lean out my car window and scream “Learn how to drive you morons!”

I did however finally deal with the fact that my car was telling me that I had low tire pressure. It did this through what is possibly the most useless sensor ever. Now while I am very happy to own a car that will tell me when one of my tires is low (especially as I think I had seven flat tires over the life of my old Grand Am) it does not bother to specify which tire. This makes things rather challenging as the light makes you freak out and then you get out of the car and have no idea which tire is low and then you are forced to search for a tire pressure gauge which could be avoided because obviously the car knows what my tire pressure is otherwise it wouldn’t be telling me I had low tire pressure. Still not as bad as the rental car I recently had that gave me a low fuel warning light because I went under a quarter of a tank. That is not technically being low on fuel; it is more like “you should probably gas up in the next couple of days.”

Best of 120 Minutes: I was trying to think of Christmas themed alternative rock songs and immediately my mind turned to A Very Special Christmas, probably the one holiday charity album that people owned because they actually liked the music. I’m going to go with two of my favorites from the album. Run DMC’s “Christmas in Hollis” and U2’s “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)”. Enjoy the awesomeness of Run DMC and the fun Rattle and Hum “everything is earnest” period of U2.





The five random CDs for the week:
1) Luscious Jackson “Fever In Fever Out”
2) Terrance Simien “Zydeco on the Bayou”
3) Fleet Foxes “Fleet Foxes”
4) The New Pornographers “Together”
5) Jeff Buckley “Grace”

2010 Bowl Preview: Part Four: The Final Chapter

This is it. The final set of bowl games. The only games that matter except for the fact that a number of these games are utterly meaningless. Why the bowl season extends to January 10th is also a mystery as I don’t think that teams having a month off between games adds to the excitement.

(Also, addendum to last night’s post. It is officially the Progressive Gator Bowl. Typically you don’t hear the words Progressive and Jacksonville in the same sentence. I believe that Glenn Beck is leading a boycott of this game.)

January 3rd
Discover Orange Bowl: Stanford vs. Virginia Tech (ESPN): Do we really need to discover oranges? I am pretty sure that the world is well aware of the fruit. Also, college football has never been the same since we lost the Orange Bowl Halftime Spectacular that took 45 minutes, featured every cruise ship performer wannabe in the Miami area, destroyed the field for the second half and allowed the teams to perform emergency surgery on any players that were injured in the first half. It was pure 80’s decadence at its finest.

Stanford was way better than anyone expected this year. Not that you can ever really root for Stanford other than saying things like, “Well, they’re less arrogant than Berkley students” or “Maybe having a drunk tree as your mascot is a good choice.” Virginia Tech started the season by losing to Boise State and then James Madison and somehow turned their season around completely. This is one of the reasons why a playoff would be nice because it would at least give a team like Virginia Tech a chance even though they started slow. I’ve always liked Virginia Tech so I will cheer for them in the hopes of finding out just what a Hokie is.

January 4th
Allstate Sugar Bowl: Ohio State vs. Arkansas (ESPN): Good pick of teams for the Sugar Bowl which states in its bylaws that is must choose the two teams with the drunkest fanbase possible. This really isn’t that far from the truth. The Sugar Bowl is one of the times of the year that New Orleans bars make a lot of money and one year they were freaking out over the possibility of BYU making it to the game. This is about as close to a meaningful Ohio State – Michigan game that we have seen in years due to Ryan Mallett quarterbacking Arkansas. I still think Ohio State will win just out of force of habit. Tyrell Pryor will bitch about not getting the Heisman as great practice for bitching about not being a first round draft choice, bitching about not getting playing time in the NFL and finally, bitching about being the second string quarterback for the Edmonton Eskimos.

January 6th
GoDaddy.com Bowl: Middle Tennessee vs. Miami (Ohio) (ESPN): Some poor fan bought tickets for this game thinking it was Tennessee vs. Miami. Heck, ESPN might as well promote it that way because I know absolutely nothing about either team. Most people have no idea what GoDaddy.com does either other than make racy commercials that don’t show anything yet direct you to their website in which you can see more racy commercials that don’t show anything. I believe their entire business model is centered on obtaining as much money from people who desire to see Danica Patrick naked without ever providing them with what they hope for. Yet we’ll all tune in to the game thinking “This time they’ll have to show it….”

January 7th
AT&T Cotton Bowl: LSU vs. Texas A&M (Fox): The Cotton Bowl is no longer being played at the Cotton Bowl. Just let that one sink in for a while. I know that the Orange Bowl is no longer played at the Orange Bowl but at least the Orange Bowl no longer exists. The Cotton Bowl is hosting a game this same week yet they are playing it in the new Cowboys Stadium where there is a roof so Jerry Jones could fit his gigantic head in. Apparently no one gives a damn about tradition anymore.

Let’s give it up for Les Miles of LSU, the only head coach who reminds you of that drunk uncle you see during the holidays who tells you stories that are completely false but funny all the same. No other coach uses a gameplan that involves five fake field goal attempts and time management decisions chosen via the Magic 8 Ball. Yet somehow this guy always leads a team to a major bowl game despite showing no knowledge of football whatsoever. That my friends takes talent.

January 8th
BBVA Compass Bowl: Pittsburgh vs. Kentucky (ESPN): Do people even use compasses anymore? In these days of GPS does anyone literally have a compass with a needle on it that points north? I’m not even going to begin to guess what the bell BBVA is; if they can’t bother getting a more descriptive brand name I’m not going to waste my time googling it. Here it is the first weekend of January, NFL Playoffs will be starting, yet we are supposed to care about two schools who are way more focused on basketball right now than football. Plus, Dave Waanstadt still coaches Pitt. Wanny is the worst coach ever and I spent way too many Bears games watching him coach the team to a loss to ever desire to see him on a sideline again and that includes the times I’ve had to watch him beat ND. Do you know how embarrassing it is to watch your school lose to Dave Freaking Waanstadt?

January 9th
Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl: Nevada vs. Boston College (ESPN): Note to Kraft. If you really want to Fight Hunger why don’t you, I don’t know, donate some of the food in your warehouse? Or maybe lower the price on Macaroni and Cheese? You just know every other commercial is about how we can work to fight hunger when the sponsor is literally sitting on a stockpile of food. Unless this is about some new product that is meant to fight hunger in which I will just throw up my hands in exasperation at what now goes for marketing in today’s world. Just cheer for Boston College and move on with your life.

January 10th
Tostitos BCS National Championship Game: Oregon vs. Auburn (ESPN): This is it. The biggest bowl game of them all, except for the fact that it is not technically a bowl game. Why when the only reason we don’t have a playoff is “to keep the integrity of the bowl system” we don’t have the last game be a freaking bowl game just explains how screwed up the NCAA is. There is not enough moderately priced chips and salsa in this world to make this right.

But at least the game has the two major conference undefeated schools (sorry TCU). Oregon will most likely take the field in fluorescent yellow jerseys in an attempt to either confuse Auburn or destroy every HD television set in the country. Auburn is led by Cam Newton, who will end up having to take a pay cut next year if the NFL doesn’t sign a new collective bargaining agreement. This has the makings of a good game but my gut is really saying Oregon will take this one. Auburn has won a lot of close games and come from behind games and while that shows a ton of talent it also shows that they have been lucky as sin. While Cam Newton has been the best player in the country you also can’t tell me the fact that they essentially loaned him the Heisman knowing that he will have to give it back can’t make things easy for him. Oregon by a touchdown.

That is it. Every bowl game. Now excuse me, I have to curl up in a ball and remember that there is more to life than football.

Wednesday Night Music Club: Of all the Christmas specials out there my favorite one of all time is Emmet Otter’s Jugband Christmas and it is impossible to find this anywhere. There are three dozen Frosty the Snowman specials but it is impossible to watch this inventive retelling of the Gift of the Magi featuring otters. Here is one of the musical numbers just so we can all relive the wonders of our childhood.

2010 Bowl Preview: Part Three

Time for Part Three of the Bowl Preview series where we will examine the New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day games. These are the games that you will watch while either a) drunk, b) hungover or c) in a state of complete disbelief that you are going to spend another New Year’s Eve without a girlfriend to the point that the idea of going to a strip club just so you can have some degree of companionship at midnight becomes quite sensible. Not that I have any familiarity with C or anything.

New Year’s Eve
Meineke Car Care Bowl: South Florida vs. Clemson (ESPN): Back when I was a kid we had games like the Blue Bonnet Bowl and the Tangerine Bowl. I still have no idea what the Blue Bonnet Bowl was meant to symbolize other than colored headgear. Then we started appending sponsors name to the front of the game until, starting with the Blockbuster Bowl, the name of the company became the name of the game. Given the financial outlook of Blockbuster maybe we should rethink this use of advertising dollars.

I’ve always liked Clemson and hope that one day they will regain their form as one of the top teams in the nation. They’re just a cool team with orange uniforms, Howard’s Rock and a whole host of traditions. I know nothing of South Florida other than they are in Florida. I think it should be a rule that in order to be in a bowl game I should at least be able to guess what city the school is in.

Hyundai Sun Bowl: Notre Dame vs. Miami (CBS): It is time to replay the legendary Catholics vs. Convicts game! Or, in this case, the “Currently being investigated in the death of two students” vs. Convicts game. (Side note: does anyone have any real info on the story regarding the alleged rape / suicide of the St. Mary’s student? Most of my info has come from blogs and everything sounds all sorts of sketchy. I’d like to have the school come forward with some degree of clarity on the subject.)

Obviously I have a pretty big interest in this game. Notre Dame turned its season around or at least avoided imploding as they had the past few years. The team shows promise but really isn’t that solid of a team. Miami underachieved all year and could easily have made a better bowl game. I’ve watched a lot of both teams and Miami should take this one. Speed kills and Miami just has Notre Dame beat in terms of athletes.

AutoZone Liberty Bowl: Georgia vs. UCF (ESPN): I’m trying to think if there was a D-1 team from Florida that didn’t make a bowl game this year. I’m pretty sure they all made it in. In fact, all of your New Year’s Eve games involve Florida teams so I’m assuming that this will be declared a holiday in the Sunshine State. Georgia rebounded from being god awful at the start of the year to being good enough to spend New Year’s Eve in Memphis which should at least provide them with a tour of Memphis and some good barbecue. Oh, and just for the record, Illinois went to two bowl games while I was in college. One was the Sun Bowl in El Paso and the other was the Liberty Bowl in Memphis. Yeah, and people wonder why I can be a bitter Illini fan.

Chick-fil-A Bowl: South Carolina vs. Florida State (ESPN): While out Christmas shopping on Saturday (in which I was proud of myself for not ripping a toy out of the hands of a small child) I picked up some Chick-fil-A and they screwed up my order. The strange thing is, this made no impact on my meal at all. Chick-fil-A essentially only has one menu item. Instead of having a chicken breast on a bun I had a chicken breast in nugget form. I’m not sure what this says about the company other than they are surprisingly efficient.

I will always cheer for Steve Spurrier no matter where he coaches if just because he is the only person who calls plays like it is a video game. 2nd and 15 from your own 1? Send out five receivers and play from the shotgun. I hate Florida State for reasons that are too numerous to mention and include people I met when I was 16, which is now so far past half a lifetime ago that I am afraid to do the math. And let’s face it, any school that chants “Let’s go Cocks!” is good enough for me.

New Year’s Day
TicketCity Bowl: Northwestern vs. Texas Tech (ESPNU): Your three important notes for this game. 1) This game is being played in the Cotton Bowl on New Year’s Day and features a team from Texas yet is not the Cotton Bowl. I do not quite understand how that is possible. 2) Not surprisingly, tickets for the TicketCity Bowl are available from scalpers. 3) Given that this game is on ESPNU you will have no chance to actually watch the game. Northwestern had a good squad until their quarterback got hurt and Texas Tech is still getting over the fact that they locked up Craig James’ son in a closet last year. Guess that is why they exiled the game to ESPNU. I can’t bring myself to root for Northwestern as an Illini. Luckily we regained the Sweet Sioux Tomahawk, I mean the Land of Lincoln trophy.

Outback Bowl: Florida vs. Penn State (ABC): You know how in baseball they occasionally have Old Timers Games? Where top players from the team’s past come back for an exhibition? Well, this game would be much more interesting as an Old Timer’s Game. Just bring back all the stars from yesteryear and have them suit up. Neither team is very good this year, Urban Meyer is stepping down as Florida’s coach, and Joe Pa is slowly being replaced with robot parts in an attempt to create MechaPaterno. And let’s face it, once MechaPaterno is fully functional we are all doomed to a life of toil in his sunglass factories. Penn State will win because they might as well.

Capital One Bowl: Alabama vs. Michigan State (ESPN): How Michigan State didn’t turn into a bigger story this year is beyond me. They beat Notre Dame on the most insane fake field goal ever and it results in their coach having a literal heart attack. He then comes back to coach the team to a top record despite the fact that they were anticipated to be a middling Big Ten team. Why this didn’t get more play is just a sign as to how much interest lies in the SEC. Alabama won the title last year but could never seem to get on track this year. They were one of the best teams of the year but always seemed to be in a fight for their life. I like Michigan State in this one, which is one of the best games of the year.

(Oh, and for all of the Capital One mascot challenge commercials that I have seen over the years I wish I would actually know what the challenge is. I assume it is some sort of online poll but it would be better if they really did have all of the mascots competing in insane reality show challenges.)

Gator Bowl: Mississippi State vs. Michigan (ESPN2): Remember if you are in Jacksonville and they ask you to leave the bar just leave the bar. (Someone will get the reference.) Anyway, how has Gatorade not stepped up to sponsor the Gator Bowl yet? Easiest sponsorship ever. If this game is anything like the Illinois – Michigan game then they might as well just play it under Arena Football rules. Or Electric Football rules. By the way, why don’t kids ask for electric football sets anymore? They will never learn football strategy from Madden. You have to spend hours setting up your players just so and then sit helplessly as they spin in circles. And yes, I would rather watch plastic figures spin in circles than cheer Michigan.

Rose Bowl Game Presented by VIZIO: Wisconsin vs. TCU (ESPN): If there was a playoff system (and there should be) these would be the two teams to benefit most. TCU is the undefeated team that got screwed out of the title game and Wisconsin was playing better than anyone at the end of the year. Why the NCAA won’t break down and have an eight team playoff is one of those unanswered questions of sports. They’ll make the student athlete claim but then add in a twelfth game for every team plus a conference championship. While TCU is good and it will be interesting to see them in the Big East as they are east of, uh, the Rocky Mountains I am really behind Wisconsin. When the season ended I really couldn’t see anyone in the country beating them and I think TCU is due for a letdown.

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl: Connecticut vs. Oklahoma (ESPN): No, I don’t know why Connecticut is in a BCS game and Michigan State isn’t. No, I don’t know why the Big East is incapable of fielding one team, even an All Star team, worthy of this slot. But, hey, free Tostitos for everyone! Each year there is one BCS game that is guaranteed to be horrible and this year this is it. Hey, you’ll need a break from football by this point anyway.

2010 Bowl Preview: Part Two

Time for Part Two of the Bowl Preview where we make our way from December 26th through December 30th, otherwise known as “that time you go into the office to work knowing that you won’t actually complete any work because all of the higher ups are on vacation and everyone is catching up on their web browsing.”

December 26th
Little Caesars Bowl: Florida International vs. Toledo (ESPN): I’m not sure if Little Caesars offers a bowl product. After seeing the pictures of the Domino’s Pasta Bowls, which I believed caused me to gain ten pounds just by seeing them on a computer screen, I believe that the only thing that could ruin the concept of pizza is forming it into a bowl shape. This game is in Detroit and thus adds to the misery of the city. Seriously, this is the best that they could get for a bowl game. FIU (with the exception of the legendary Ned) is a school that might not actually exist and they are going up against Toledo, which is like the 20th best school in the state of Ohio. Given that all you need to do to get into Ohio State is a) be born in Ohio and b) have a measurable pulse at the age of eighteen it makes you wonder just who decides to go to Toledo (or Ohio State for that matter.) Watch the game only if they promise you free pizza.

December 27th
AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl: Air Force vs. Georgia Tech (ESPN2): For the second straight year I have no idea what AdvoCare is or what V100 is meant to represent. Might be an insurance company, might be a brand of insulation, or might be a secret government plot. All we know is that it took them 100 tries to get it right. And let us also hold a moment of silence for the legacy of the Poulan Weed Eater Independence Bowl, which will also rank as the best bowl game name ever. I yearn to one day own a house so that I can go into a store and buy a Poulan Weed Eater. Anyway, there is a good chance that there will not be a single pass attempt in this entire game. Both teams run the option, which is either fun to watch or the most boring thing imaginable depending on your point of view. Cheer for Air Force because it is the Independence Bowl and they help to keep us free from bees.

December 28th
Champs Sports Bowl: West Virginia vs. North Carolina State (ESPN): Wow, Champs Sports is still in business? I didn’t know if they survived the latest round of dead malls. This is a matchup of two schools that….ok, I have to admit that I have nothing to say about either school’s football program. I’ll just say that I did drink with several of the basketball coaches from West Virginia one night in KC and that the first college basketball game I ever saw featured Jim Valvano’s North Carolina State team. Just watch Valvano’s ESPY speech and consider it a good night.

Insight Bowl: Missouri vs. Iowa (ESPN): This still refers to Insight.com as opposed to just the theoretical concept of insight though more bowl games do need to be about philosophical concepts. As I write this the game has been taken off the board in Vegas because it looks like most of Iowa is going to be suspended due to one of their players running a “drug house”. They should be cut some slack given that it is Iowa City. No one should have to live in Iowa sober. As a former KC resident (and a firm believer that it should be pronounced Missuorah) I’ll cheer for my former state school mainly due to the fact that Columbia is in the middle of nowhere yet still draws some pretty good bands. Hey, at least the team is better than Kansas this year.

December 29th
Military Bowl Presented by Northrop Grumman: East Carolina vs. Maryland (ESPN): Apparently it can no longer be called war profiteering if you use the money to sponsor sporting events. Seriously, is there a more ominous title for a football game? We all use the “football as war” metaphor but it sounds as though the halftime show will be a tribute to defense contract bidding strategies featuring the original hundred dollar hammer. Maryland is playing in Maryland which guarantees one thing: they will find the most incredible way to blow the game in the last minute. No team tears your heart out quite like Maryland. Plus, East Carolina is the Pirates and that is kind of like a military.

Texas Bowl: Illinois vs. Baylor (ESPN): Woo hoo! My Illini actually made it to a bowl game! Not a real game of course and one that seems to lead to a whole host of chili references but we are a fan base that is overjoyed by the prospect of a .500 season. We don’t ask for much out of Illinois football. Mainly just don’t embarrass us and give us something to watch until basketball practice starts. Of course it is horribly unfair to be playing the Texas Bowl in Texas against a team from Texas but that is just par for the course for the Illini. We’ve had to play games with one end zone, in a blizzard and in Fresno this year. A little adversity isn’t going to stop us. I’ll be wearing my orange for this one.

Oh and I’m not even going to bother getting into the new Big Ten logo and the “Leaders” and “Legends” divisions. I know the divisions weren’t done geographically but couldn’t we have come up with anything better? Like the “It’s all Nebraska’s fault” and “Minnesota still has a football team?”

Valero Alamo Bowl: Oklahoma State vs. Arizona (ESPN): I used to make fun of this game a lot but after going to San Antonio with Kim I have to say that it is a rather cool place to visit. You wouldn’t immediately think of it as a vacation spot but it is quite nice and one of these days we will probably visit it again. The Alamodome is a strange and ill-designed stadium, though. It seems to be designed for the sole purpose of getting 20,000 people stuck in the same hallway five minutes before the game starts. Oklahoma State is going to win this game by like 40 so that should be exciting. Oh, and though we all know it is an oil company you can’t hear the name Valero without thinking about some guy singing in an Italian restaurant with his bow tie undone.


December 30th
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl: Army vs. SMU (ESPN): This game is being played in Dallas at Gerald Ford Stadium. I mention this because I have no idea where that stadium is or to what school it belongs. I’ve studied these things and I have no clue. Besides, Gerald Ford went to Michigan, played football for Michigan, and represented Michigan in Congress. I have no idea why someone would name a stadium for him in Dallas.

Army is in this game, which is fitting since they a) are part of the armed forces and b) use helicopters. SMU is best known for paying its players to the point that they had to cancel the entire football program for a while. This is no different than basically every other school; they were just dumb enough to get caught. I can’t see how one can cheer against Army in a game like this especially if they break out the camouflage uniforms. I mean, how will SMU even be able to see them?

New Era Pinstripe Bowl: Kansas State vs. Syracuse (ESPN): This game is being played in Yankee Stadium, which is going to prove to be quite a challenge for Kansas State fans as they will have to travel to New York and they ain’t never been on a plane before. (Yeah, I know, K State jokes. Easy target. How about this one: the school is trying desperately to convince the fans that even though the team is staying in Manhattan it is not a home game.) While it is cool to watch football in a baseball stadium there really is no reason to be sitting outside in New York at the end of freaking December. I mean, these are two schools that tend to play in real games. Sure it is New York and all but what New Yorker is going to decide that today is the day that they will check out the new Yankee Stadium? Just bizarre. Anyway, a guy from K State cost me a date seven years ago so I have to root for Syracuse. Yes, I know that I am engaged to the woman of my dreams and have had every aspect of my life go the right way for me to reach this point but I’m still bitter.

Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl: North Carolina vs. Tennessee (ESPN): It must be hard watching a football game sponsored by the same company that is about to foreclose on your house. Given the foreclosure rate in this country I am truly expecting a Farm Aid type charity concert where instead of trying to save the family farm we try to save the family house. I’m serious here, as I was told today not everything in life is ironic. Tennessee is playing in Nashville so it should be fairly obvious who the winner is going to be. North Carolina will just be happy that they can focus on basketball and / or women’s soccer depending on if Roy Williams decides to pay attention this year or not.

Bridgeport Education Holiday Bowl: Nebraska vs. Washington (ESPN): Ok, I have no idea if this is sponsored by a company called “Bridgeport Education” or if the makers of Bridgeport tires are promoting an “Education Holiday”. Given that I believe we now rank last in math and science the last thing we need is an education holiday though I have to admit they are some pretty damn good tires. The Holiday Bowl is historically the highest scoring bowl game and is required by law to feature at least five trick plays including one that recreates the scene from Lucas. This will be Nebraska’s last time representing the Big 12 before they join the Big 10 as its 12th member, thus making everything very confusing.

2010 Bowl Preview: Part One

Now that the college football regular season is complete with Army losing once again to Navy, which in term means that Notre Dame ranks somewhere between the two, it is time for me to once again preview each and every one of the bowl games. This will be a multi-night affair as I treat you on what games to watch, players to keep your eyes out for, and explain why one would want to travel to Detroit for a bowl game. Tonight, your pre-Christmas Bowl games.

December 18th
New Mexico Bowl: BYU vs. UTEP (ESPN): This is the first time in almost a decade that BYU is not in the Las Vegas Bowl. I’m telling you, if you go through my past bowl previews you will find more references to BYU fans playing the change machine than I would like to admit. The New Mexico Bowl promotes all things New Mexico, primarily by featuring the halftime entertainment of Weird Al Yankovic.



(Yes, this song has a second part. It’s the encore of Weird Al’s show; not that I’ve attended a dozen or so of his shows or anything.)

Anyway, it’s BYU against the only school in Texas that doesn’t really care about football in a state whose main source of income is tourism dollars from people searching for UFOs. Can’t imagine a better way to start the bowl season.

uDrove Humanitarian Bowl: Northern Illinois vs. Fresno State (ESPN): I think uDrove is a wonderful sponsor for a bowl game in Boise. Many of the people in the stands will be wondering just why they are in Idaho and they will be reminded that “Hey, you’re the idiot who drove here.” This is also one of the worst games a team can be sent to because, let’s face it, if you’re Northern Illinois you at least hope that you might get sent to a place that is vaguely warm. Instead you are playing on blue turf in Boise. At least for Fresno State they get a chance to get out of Fresno, a place I assume makes Idaho look exciting. Since this is the Humanitarian Bowl I fully expect three roughing the passer penalties, five late hits and at least one player pulling out a gun like The Last Boy Scout.

R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: Ohio vs. Troy (ESPN): This is a totally unfair game. We have an entire state against just one guy. However, I have to assume that he is one badass guy if he is willing to step on to a field, look at the other team, and just say “bring it.” Ohio is the team whose mascot attacked Brutus the Buckeye earlier this year and then stated that the only reason he tried out for the mascot position was to have a chance to beat up Brutus the Buckeye. If there is one thing that college football needs it is more full contact warfare between mascots. Anyway, if you are in New Orleans and are attending this game I hope that you are related to one of the players because otherwise there are a lot better things you could be doing in that town.

December 21st:
Beef ‘O’ Brady’s St. Petersburg Bowl: Southern Mississippi vs. Louisville (ESPN): I’m sorry but for what I assume is a food product a bowl of Beef ‘O’ Brady’s sounds like the least appetizing thing in the world. I assume that Florence Henderson is the spokesperson but then I am quite concern of what the beef is of, especially since we haven’t seen Christopher Knight on VH-1 recently. This is a classic matchup between the school that Favre attended that by now probably wants to disavow all associations with him and the school that would much rather prefer to just move on to basketball season. I’ll take Southern Miss, just because they are still overjoyed that they didn’t change their team name to the Wranglers.

December 22nd
MAACO Las Vegas Bowl: Utah vs. Boise State (ESPN): Oh, what could have been. Both these teams were gunning for a BCS Bowl and all Boise State had to do was beat Fresno State and they would have been showing off their blue uniforms in front of the nation. Instead, they will be playing in front of people who didn’t gamble enough to get comped tickets to Cirque du Soleil. This should be a really good game between teams that should be playing on New Year’s Day. Utah has collapsed near the end of the season and Boise wasn’t as good as we all thought but it should still be a good matchup between the best of the non-BCS schools. Plus, you’ll get to hear the “Em double A (honk honk) CO” jingle at least a dozen times and that is always good.

December 23rd
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl: Navy vs. San Diego State (ESPN): Oh, so much to talk about here. First off, this is the fun bowl where for the entire season Navy has been penciled in to play here because they signed a contract with the bowl before the season even started. Seriously, this has been Navy vs. opponent all season long. Then, you have the fact that it will be a home game for both teams. Navy has all of the military personnel in San Diego and San Diego State is, well, in San Diego. This should make for a pretty fun atmosphere with vocal crowds, which is something you don’t see very often in the bowls. Navy will win, of course, but it should be fun to watch.

But really this game is all about the sponsorship, which is still the most mind bending one in existence. Because think of the nationwide ESPN audience being told in great detail the wonders of the San Diego County Credit Union. The convenience of their ATMs, their competitive interest rates and the fact that 99% of the country is ineligible to take advantage of the San Diego County Credit Union. I will never understand this sponsorship and I take pity on the announcers who must say the full name of the game. However, they do get to say things like “Their defense is playing poisonous right now, much like the Poinsettia plant is so remember to be careful with it over the holiday season.”

December 24th
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: Hawaii vs. Tulsa (ESPN): Ah, Christmas Eve. The stockings are hung by the chimney with care. Families are gathered in preparation for the joyous occasion. It is a time for calm and anticipation and spending hours sitting and talking with loved ones. Well, fuck that because Tulsa is playing! Screw your family; when else are you going to get a chance to find out what is the more powerful weather pattern: a Golden Hurricane or a Rainbow?

Yes, instead of watching It’s a Wonderful Life or A Christmas Story on endless repeat you can watch Tulsa take on Hawaii in a game that means pretty much nothing other than Tulsa gets a really nice vacation on it. Sucks for the Hawaii team for having to stay home for a bowl game but they live in Hawaii so you really don’t have to feel sorry for them. It’s just nice to know that if you are sick of your family on Christmas Eve there is football to watch. Maybe not good football but football.

Best of 120 Minutes: Remember how Elastica was supposed to become this huge band yet you only heard one song ever? It’s still a good song but I always wondered whatever happened to the band. Also, in keeping with the rules of 90’s alternative bands I am going to assume that all three girls are playing bass guitar.



The five random CDs for the week:
1) Vedera “The Weight of an Empty Room”
2) Scott Miller and the Commonwealth “Citation”
3) C. J. Chenier “Hot Rod”
4) Ryan Adams “Rock N Roll”
5) Richard Buckner “Impasse”

Keep the Funk in KC!!!

I saw a car with the license plate “WISDUMB” today. Very seldom am I caught wondering if what I am seeing is brilliant or quite possibly the stupidest thing I have ever seen. This one put me in that mode and I have to say that after careful consideration I am going to have to side with the latter.

Also, can someone explain to me why it is impossible to get all of the episodes of the Monkees on DVD? The collection of the series (of which I think there were only two actual seasons) is out of print and I’d be forced to pay an insane amount on Amazon for them. Isn’t this show one of the best things that could ever possibly be on DVD? Who wouldn’t want to own every single episode of the Monkees? This bothers me greatly.

(By the way, apparently my dream of having the Monkees inducted in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is being stopped by Jann Werner of Rolling Stone, who pretty much has the final say in the entire process. So if you ever needed a reason to hate Rolling Stone even more than you already do here you go. Seriously, is there anything more representative of Rock and Roll than the Monkees? Sure they didn’t play their own instruments but isn’t that the entire point? In Rock and Roll certain things like talent, skill or playing in tune aren’t technically required.)

Note to my KC brethren: I finally checked my official blog email (which is seldom read because, well, everyone who reads this knows me in real life except for possibly my fanbase in Brazil) and I have several emails from the Funkhouser reelection campaign. Some people might actually remember that a few years ago I was named an “influential blogger” by the Funkhouser campaign for my innovative campaign slogans like “Bring the Funk to KC” and “We need the Funk” and “Funk this town!” I am not making this up. I was invited to press events and everything which is rather hysterical given that much of the rest of the blog was devoted to describing KC as a cowtown with a distinct lack of cows.

Well, I was able to get Funk elected and then left town before I had to deal with the consequences. That doesn’t mean that I am off the press list though as I am receiving a surprising number of emails from the campaign inviting me to events around town, asking if I want a Funk bobblehead or a t-shirt reading, and I quote here, “Funk your mayor.” It is often said that people get the politicians they deserve. If there is one city more deserving of Funk than KC I have yet to see it.