You just can't please everybody...

I’ve been blogging for over six years now and the process still amazes me. Such as I never quite anticipated that something I wrote would anger the people behind the BBVA Compass Bowl. For those wondering and who didn’t read the comment on the last post: BBVA is the second largest bank in Spain, a nation that will most likely have to declare bankruptcy in, oh, the next five minutes. So I will have to admit that a) BBVA is a real company, b) Compass is the name of the US bank they acquired and is not a reference to a deep seated, almost erotic, love of directional devices, c) I still question whether sponsoring a bowl game in Birmingham featuring Pitt and Kentucky is a good use of their marketing dollars and d) no one is questioning my statement that Dave Waanstadt is the worst coach who ever lived. As long as we all agree on the last point I am satisfied.

(Oh well, still not as bad as the comment from the person who disliked one of my music reviews. A review that I began by stating “As someone who attended a Weird Al show this year I cannot claim to have any taste in music whatsoever.”)

Well, it snowed in Philly on Thursday, which resulted in the end of the world. I am not kidding on this one. We received a dusting of snow (I don’t even think we had an inch total) and absolutely no one could drive anywhere. I know that this was the first snow of the year and that usually causes people to freak out but this was absolutely insane. It took me two hours to complete a drive that should take me at most forty five minutes. I spent about thirty minutes at a dead stop. Now if I lived somewhere that it didn’t typically snow I can understand it but we had three blizzards last year. Driving in snow is a rather common occurrence. I just wanted to lean out my car window and scream “Learn how to drive you morons!”

I did however finally deal with the fact that my car was telling me that I had low tire pressure. It did this through what is possibly the most useless sensor ever. Now while I am very happy to own a car that will tell me when one of my tires is low (especially as I think I had seven flat tires over the life of my old Grand Am) it does not bother to specify which tire. This makes things rather challenging as the light makes you freak out and then you get out of the car and have no idea which tire is low and then you are forced to search for a tire pressure gauge which could be avoided because obviously the car knows what my tire pressure is otherwise it wouldn’t be telling me I had low tire pressure. Still not as bad as the rental car I recently had that gave me a low fuel warning light because I went under a quarter of a tank. That is not technically being low on fuel; it is more like “you should probably gas up in the next couple of days.”

Best of 120 Minutes: I was trying to think of Christmas themed alternative rock songs and immediately my mind turned to A Very Special Christmas, probably the one holiday charity album that people owned because they actually liked the music. I’m going to go with two of my favorites from the album. Run DMC’s “Christmas in Hollis” and U2’s “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)”. Enjoy the awesomeness of Run DMC and the fun Rattle and Hum “everything is earnest” period of U2.





The five random CDs for the week:
1) Luscious Jackson “Fever In Fever Out”
2) Terrance Simien “Zydeco on the Bayou”
3) Fleet Foxes “Fleet Foxes”
4) The New Pornographers “Together”
5) Jeff Buckley “Grace”

2010 Bowl Preview: Part Four: The Final Chapter

This is it. The final set of bowl games. The only games that matter except for the fact that a number of these games are utterly meaningless. Why the bowl season extends to January 10th is also a mystery as I don’t think that teams having a month off between games adds to the excitement.

(Also, addendum to last night’s post. It is officially the Progressive Gator Bowl. Typically you don’t hear the words Progressive and Jacksonville in the same sentence. I believe that Glenn Beck is leading a boycott of this game.)

January 3rd
Discover Orange Bowl: Stanford vs. Virginia Tech (ESPN): Do we really need to discover oranges? I am pretty sure that the world is well aware of the fruit. Also, college football has never been the same since we lost the Orange Bowl Halftime Spectacular that took 45 minutes, featured every cruise ship performer wannabe in the Miami area, destroyed the field for the second half and allowed the teams to perform emergency surgery on any players that were injured in the first half. It was pure 80’s decadence at its finest.

Stanford was way better than anyone expected this year. Not that you can ever really root for Stanford other than saying things like, “Well, they’re less arrogant than Berkley students” or “Maybe having a drunk tree as your mascot is a good choice.” Virginia Tech started the season by losing to Boise State and then James Madison and somehow turned their season around completely. This is one of the reasons why a playoff would be nice because it would at least give a team like Virginia Tech a chance even though they started slow. I’ve always liked Virginia Tech so I will cheer for them in the hopes of finding out just what a Hokie is.

January 4th
Allstate Sugar Bowl: Ohio State vs. Arkansas (ESPN): Good pick of teams for the Sugar Bowl which states in its bylaws that is must choose the two teams with the drunkest fanbase possible. This really isn’t that far from the truth. The Sugar Bowl is one of the times of the year that New Orleans bars make a lot of money and one year they were freaking out over the possibility of BYU making it to the game. This is about as close to a meaningful Ohio State – Michigan game that we have seen in years due to Ryan Mallett quarterbacking Arkansas. I still think Ohio State will win just out of force of habit. Tyrell Pryor will bitch about not getting the Heisman as great practice for bitching about not being a first round draft choice, bitching about not getting playing time in the NFL and finally, bitching about being the second string quarterback for the Edmonton Eskimos.

January 6th
GoDaddy.com Bowl: Middle Tennessee vs. Miami (Ohio) (ESPN): Some poor fan bought tickets for this game thinking it was Tennessee vs. Miami. Heck, ESPN might as well promote it that way because I know absolutely nothing about either team. Most people have no idea what GoDaddy.com does either other than make racy commercials that don’t show anything yet direct you to their website in which you can see more racy commercials that don’t show anything. I believe their entire business model is centered on obtaining as much money from people who desire to see Danica Patrick naked without ever providing them with what they hope for. Yet we’ll all tune in to the game thinking “This time they’ll have to show it….”

January 7th
AT&T Cotton Bowl: LSU vs. Texas A&M (Fox): The Cotton Bowl is no longer being played at the Cotton Bowl. Just let that one sink in for a while. I know that the Orange Bowl is no longer played at the Orange Bowl but at least the Orange Bowl no longer exists. The Cotton Bowl is hosting a game this same week yet they are playing it in the new Cowboys Stadium where there is a roof so Jerry Jones could fit his gigantic head in. Apparently no one gives a damn about tradition anymore.

Let’s give it up for Les Miles of LSU, the only head coach who reminds you of that drunk uncle you see during the holidays who tells you stories that are completely false but funny all the same. No other coach uses a gameplan that involves five fake field goal attempts and time management decisions chosen via the Magic 8 Ball. Yet somehow this guy always leads a team to a major bowl game despite showing no knowledge of football whatsoever. That my friends takes talent.

January 8th
BBVA Compass Bowl: Pittsburgh vs. Kentucky (ESPN): Do people even use compasses anymore? In these days of GPS does anyone literally have a compass with a needle on it that points north? I’m not even going to begin to guess what the bell BBVA is; if they can’t bother getting a more descriptive brand name I’m not going to waste my time googling it. Here it is the first weekend of January, NFL Playoffs will be starting, yet we are supposed to care about two schools who are way more focused on basketball right now than football. Plus, Dave Waanstadt still coaches Pitt. Wanny is the worst coach ever and I spent way too many Bears games watching him coach the team to a loss to ever desire to see him on a sideline again and that includes the times I’ve had to watch him beat ND. Do you know how embarrassing it is to watch your school lose to Dave Freaking Waanstadt?

January 9th
Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl: Nevada vs. Boston College (ESPN): Note to Kraft. If you really want to Fight Hunger why don’t you, I don’t know, donate some of the food in your warehouse? Or maybe lower the price on Macaroni and Cheese? You just know every other commercial is about how we can work to fight hunger when the sponsor is literally sitting on a stockpile of food. Unless this is about some new product that is meant to fight hunger in which I will just throw up my hands in exasperation at what now goes for marketing in today’s world. Just cheer for Boston College and move on with your life.

January 10th
Tostitos BCS National Championship Game: Oregon vs. Auburn (ESPN): This is it. The biggest bowl game of them all, except for the fact that it is not technically a bowl game. Why when the only reason we don’t have a playoff is “to keep the integrity of the bowl system” we don’t have the last game be a freaking bowl game just explains how screwed up the NCAA is. There is not enough moderately priced chips and salsa in this world to make this right.

But at least the game has the two major conference undefeated schools (sorry TCU). Oregon will most likely take the field in fluorescent yellow jerseys in an attempt to either confuse Auburn or destroy every HD television set in the country. Auburn is led by Cam Newton, who will end up having to take a pay cut next year if the NFL doesn’t sign a new collective bargaining agreement. This has the makings of a good game but my gut is really saying Oregon will take this one. Auburn has won a lot of close games and come from behind games and while that shows a ton of talent it also shows that they have been lucky as sin. While Cam Newton has been the best player in the country you also can’t tell me the fact that they essentially loaned him the Heisman knowing that he will have to give it back can’t make things easy for him. Oregon by a touchdown.

That is it. Every bowl game. Now excuse me, I have to curl up in a ball and remember that there is more to life than football.

Wednesday Night Music Club: Of all the Christmas specials out there my favorite one of all time is Emmet Otter’s Jugband Christmas and it is impossible to find this anywhere. There are three dozen Frosty the Snowman specials but it is impossible to watch this inventive retelling of the Gift of the Magi featuring otters. Here is one of the musical numbers just so we can all relive the wonders of our childhood.

2010 Bowl Preview: Part Three

Time for Part Three of the Bowl Preview series where we will examine the New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day games. These are the games that you will watch while either a) drunk, b) hungover or c) in a state of complete disbelief that you are going to spend another New Year’s Eve without a girlfriend to the point that the idea of going to a strip club just so you can have some degree of companionship at midnight becomes quite sensible. Not that I have any familiarity with C or anything.

New Year’s Eve
Meineke Car Care Bowl: South Florida vs. Clemson (ESPN): Back when I was a kid we had games like the Blue Bonnet Bowl and the Tangerine Bowl. I still have no idea what the Blue Bonnet Bowl was meant to symbolize other than colored headgear. Then we started appending sponsors name to the front of the game until, starting with the Blockbuster Bowl, the name of the company became the name of the game. Given the financial outlook of Blockbuster maybe we should rethink this use of advertising dollars.

I’ve always liked Clemson and hope that one day they will regain their form as one of the top teams in the nation. They’re just a cool team with orange uniforms, Howard’s Rock and a whole host of traditions. I know nothing of South Florida other than they are in Florida. I think it should be a rule that in order to be in a bowl game I should at least be able to guess what city the school is in.

Hyundai Sun Bowl: Notre Dame vs. Miami (CBS): It is time to replay the legendary Catholics vs. Convicts game! Or, in this case, the “Currently being investigated in the death of two students” vs. Convicts game. (Side note: does anyone have any real info on the story regarding the alleged rape / suicide of the St. Mary’s student? Most of my info has come from blogs and everything sounds all sorts of sketchy. I’d like to have the school come forward with some degree of clarity on the subject.)

Obviously I have a pretty big interest in this game. Notre Dame turned its season around or at least avoided imploding as they had the past few years. The team shows promise but really isn’t that solid of a team. Miami underachieved all year and could easily have made a better bowl game. I’ve watched a lot of both teams and Miami should take this one. Speed kills and Miami just has Notre Dame beat in terms of athletes.

AutoZone Liberty Bowl: Georgia vs. UCF (ESPN): I’m trying to think if there was a D-1 team from Florida that didn’t make a bowl game this year. I’m pretty sure they all made it in. In fact, all of your New Year’s Eve games involve Florida teams so I’m assuming that this will be declared a holiday in the Sunshine State. Georgia rebounded from being god awful at the start of the year to being good enough to spend New Year’s Eve in Memphis which should at least provide them with a tour of Memphis and some good barbecue. Oh, and just for the record, Illinois went to two bowl games while I was in college. One was the Sun Bowl in El Paso and the other was the Liberty Bowl in Memphis. Yeah, and people wonder why I can be a bitter Illini fan.

Chick-fil-A Bowl: South Carolina vs. Florida State (ESPN): While out Christmas shopping on Saturday (in which I was proud of myself for not ripping a toy out of the hands of a small child) I picked up some Chick-fil-A and they screwed up my order. The strange thing is, this made no impact on my meal at all. Chick-fil-A essentially only has one menu item. Instead of having a chicken breast on a bun I had a chicken breast in nugget form. I’m not sure what this says about the company other than they are surprisingly efficient.

I will always cheer for Steve Spurrier no matter where he coaches if just because he is the only person who calls plays like it is a video game. 2nd and 15 from your own 1? Send out five receivers and play from the shotgun. I hate Florida State for reasons that are too numerous to mention and include people I met when I was 16, which is now so far past half a lifetime ago that I am afraid to do the math. And let’s face it, any school that chants “Let’s go Cocks!” is good enough for me.

New Year’s Day
TicketCity Bowl: Northwestern vs. Texas Tech (ESPNU): Your three important notes for this game. 1) This game is being played in the Cotton Bowl on New Year’s Day and features a team from Texas yet is not the Cotton Bowl. I do not quite understand how that is possible. 2) Not surprisingly, tickets for the TicketCity Bowl are available from scalpers. 3) Given that this game is on ESPNU you will have no chance to actually watch the game. Northwestern had a good squad until their quarterback got hurt and Texas Tech is still getting over the fact that they locked up Craig James’ son in a closet last year. Guess that is why they exiled the game to ESPNU. I can’t bring myself to root for Northwestern as an Illini. Luckily we regained the Sweet Sioux Tomahawk, I mean the Land of Lincoln trophy.

Outback Bowl: Florida vs. Penn State (ABC): You know how in baseball they occasionally have Old Timers Games? Where top players from the team’s past come back for an exhibition? Well, this game would be much more interesting as an Old Timer’s Game. Just bring back all the stars from yesteryear and have them suit up. Neither team is very good this year, Urban Meyer is stepping down as Florida’s coach, and Joe Pa is slowly being replaced with robot parts in an attempt to create MechaPaterno. And let’s face it, once MechaPaterno is fully functional we are all doomed to a life of toil in his sunglass factories. Penn State will win because they might as well.

Capital One Bowl: Alabama vs. Michigan State (ESPN): How Michigan State didn’t turn into a bigger story this year is beyond me. They beat Notre Dame on the most insane fake field goal ever and it results in their coach having a literal heart attack. He then comes back to coach the team to a top record despite the fact that they were anticipated to be a middling Big Ten team. Why this didn’t get more play is just a sign as to how much interest lies in the SEC. Alabama won the title last year but could never seem to get on track this year. They were one of the best teams of the year but always seemed to be in a fight for their life. I like Michigan State in this one, which is one of the best games of the year.

(Oh, and for all of the Capital One mascot challenge commercials that I have seen over the years I wish I would actually know what the challenge is. I assume it is some sort of online poll but it would be better if they really did have all of the mascots competing in insane reality show challenges.)

Gator Bowl: Mississippi State vs. Michigan (ESPN2): Remember if you are in Jacksonville and they ask you to leave the bar just leave the bar. (Someone will get the reference.) Anyway, how has Gatorade not stepped up to sponsor the Gator Bowl yet? Easiest sponsorship ever. If this game is anything like the Illinois – Michigan game then they might as well just play it under Arena Football rules. Or Electric Football rules. By the way, why don’t kids ask for electric football sets anymore? They will never learn football strategy from Madden. You have to spend hours setting up your players just so and then sit helplessly as they spin in circles. And yes, I would rather watch plastic figures spin in circles than cheer Michigan.

Rose Bowl Game Presented by VIZIO: Wisconsin vs. TCU (ESPN): If there was a playoff system (and there should be) these would be the two teams to benefit most. TCU is the undefeated team that got screwed out of the title game and Wisconsin was playing better than anyone at the end of the year. Why the NCAA won’t break down and have an eight team playoff is one of those unanswered questions of sports. They’ll make the student athlete claim but then add in a twelfth game for every team plus a conference championship. While TCU is good and it will be interesting to see them in the Big East as they are east of, uh, the Rocky Mountains I am really behind Wisconsin. When the season ended I really couldn’t see anyone in the country beating them and I think TCU is due for a letdown.

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl: Connecticut vs. Oklahoma (ESPN): No, I don’t know why Connecticut is in a BCS game and Michigan State isn’t. No, I don’t know why the Big East is incapable of fielding one team, even an All Star team, worthy of this slot. But, hey, free Tostitos for everyone! Each year there is one BCS game that is guaranteed to be horrible and this year this is it. Hey, you’ll need a break from football by this point anyway.

2010 Bowl Preview: Part Two

Time for Part Two of the Bowl Preview where we make our way from December 26th through December 30th, otherwise known as “that time you go into the office to work knowing that you won’t actually complete any work because all of the higher ups are on vacation and everyone is catching up on their web browsing.”

December 26th
Little Caesars Bowl: Florida International vs. Toledo (ESPN): I’m not sure if Little Caesars offers a bowl product. After seeing the pictures of the Domino’s Pasta Bowls, which I believed caused me to gain ten pounds just by seeing them on a computer screen, I believe that the only thing that could ruin the concept of pizza is forming it into a bowl shape. This game is in Detroit and thus adds to the misery of the city. Seriously, this is the best that they could get for a bowl game. FIU (with the exception of the legendary Ned) is a school that might not actually exist and they are going up against Toledo, which is like the 20th best school in the state of Ohio. Given that all you need to do to get into Ohio State is a) be born in Ohio and b) have a measurable pulse at the age of eighteen it makes you wonder just who decides to go to Toledo (or Ohio State for that matter.) Watch the game only if they promise you free pizza.

December 27th
AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl: Air Force vs. Georgia Tech (ESPN2): For the second straight year I have no idea what AdvoCare is or what V100 is meant to represent. Might be an insurance company, might be a brand of insulation, or might be a secret government plot. All we know is that it took them 100 tries to get it right. And let us also hold a moment of silence for the legacy of the Poulan Weed Eater Independence Bowl, which will also rank as the best bowl game name ever. I yearn to one day own a house so that I can go into a store and buy a Poulan Weed Eater. Anyway, there is a good chance that there will not be a single pass attempt in this entire game. Both teams run the option, which is either fun to watch or the most boring thing imaginable depending on your point of view. Cheer for Air Force because it is the Independence Bowl and they help to keep us free from bees.

December 28th
Champs Sports Bowl: West Virginia vs. North Carolina State (ESPN): Wow, Champs Sports is still in business? I didn’t know if they survived the latest round of dead malls. This is a matchup of two schools that….ok, I have to admit that I have nothing to say about either school’s football program. I’ll just say that I did drink with several of the basketball coaches from West Virginia one night in KC and that the first college basketball game I ever saw featured Jim Valvano’s North Carolina State team. Just watch Valvano’s ESPY speech and consider it a good night.

Insight Bowl: Missouri vs. Iowa (ESPN): This still refers to Insight.com as opposed to just the theoretical concept of insight though more bowl games do need to be about philosophical concepts. As I write this the game has been taken off the board in Vegas because it looks like most of Iowa is going to be suspended due to one of their players running a “drug house”. They should be cut some slack given that it is Iowa City. No one should have to live in Iowa sober. As a former KC resident (and a firm believer that it should be pronounced Missuorah) I’ll cheer for my former state school mainly due to the fact that Columbia is in the middle of nowhere yet still draws some pretty good bands. Hey, at least the team is better than Kansas this year.

December 29th
Military Bowl Presented by Northrop Grumman: East Carolina vs. Maryland (ESPN): Apparently it can no longer be called war profiteering if you use the money to sponsor sporting events. Seriously, is there a more ominous title for a football game? We all use the “football as war” metaphor but it sounds as though the halftime show will be a tribute to defense contract bidding strategies featuring the original hundred dollar hammer. Maryland is playing in Maryland which guarantees one thing: they will find the most incredible way to blow the game in the last minute. No team tears your heart out quite like Maryland. Plus, East Carolina is the Pirates and that is kind of like a military.

Texas Bowl: Illinois vs. Baylor (ESPN): Woo hoo! My Illini actually made it to a bowl game! Not a real game of course and one that seems to lead to a whole host of chili references but we are a fan base that is overjoyed by the prospect of a .500 season. We don’t ask for much out of Illinois football. Mainly just don’t embarrass us and give us something to watch until basketball practice starts. Of course it is horribly unfair to be playing the Texas Bowl in Texas against a team from Texas but that is just par for the course for the Illini. We’ve had to play games with one end zone, in a blizzard and in Fresno this year. A little adversity isn’t going to stop us. I’ll be wearing my orange for this one.

Oh and I’m not even going to bother getting into the new Big Ten logo and the “Leaders” and “Legends” divisions. I know the divisions weren’t done geographically but couldn’t we have come up with anything better? Like the “It’s all Nebraska’s fault” and “Minnesota still has a football team?”

Valero Alamo Bowl: Oklahoma State vs. Arizona (ESPN): I used to make fun of this game a lot but after going to San Antonio with Kim I have to say that it is a rather cool place to visit. You wouldn’t immediately think of it as a vacation spot but it is quite nice and one of these days we will probably visit it again. The Alamodome is a strange and ill-designed stadium, though. It seems to be designed for the sole purpose of getting 20,000 people stuck in the same hallway five minutes before the game starts. Oklahoma State is going to win this game by like 40 so that should be exciting. Oh, and though we all know it is an oil company you can’t hear the name Valero without thinking about some guy singing in an Italian restaurant with his bow tie undone.


December 30th
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl: Army vs. SMU (ESPN): This game is being played in Dallas at Gerald Ford Stadium. I mention this because I have no idea where that stadium is or to what school it belongs. I’ve studied these things and I have no clue. Besides, Gerald Ford went to Michigan, played football for Michigan, and represented Michigan in Congress. I have no idea why someone would name a stadium for him in Dallas.

Army is in this game, which is fitting since they a) are part of the armed forces and b) use helicopters. SMU is best known for paying its players to the point that they had to cancel the entire football program for a while. This is no different than basically every other school; they were just dumb enough to get caught. I can’t see how one can cheer against Army in a game like this especially if they break out the camouflage uniforms. I mean, how will SMU even be able to see them?

New Era Pinstripe Bowl: Kansas State vs. Syracuse (ESPN): This game is being played in Yankee Stadium, which is going to prove to be quite a challenge for Kansas State fans as they will have to travel to New York and they ain’t never been on a plane before. (Yeah, I know, K State jokes. Easy target. How about this one: the school is trying desperately to convince the fans that even though the team is staying in Manhattan it is not a home game.) While it is cool to watch football in a baseball stadium there really is no reason to be sitting outside in New York at the end of freaking December. I mean, these are two schools that tend to play in real games. Sure it is New York and all but what New Yorker is going to decide that today is the day that they will check out the new Yankee Stadium? Just bizarre. Anyway, a guy from K State cost me a date seven years ago so I have to root for Syracuse. Yes, I know that I am engaged to the woman of my dreams and have had every aspect of my life go the right way for me to reach this point but I’m still bitter.

Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl: North Carolina vs. Tennessee (ESPN): It must be hard watching a football game sponsored by the same company that is about to foreclose on your house. Given the foreclosure rate in this country I am truly expecting a Farm Aid type charity concert where instead of trying to save the family farm we try to save the family house. I’m serious here, as I was told today not everything in life is ironic. Tennessee is playing in Nashville so it should be fairly obvious who the winner is going to be. North Carolina will just be happy that they can focus on basketball and / or women’s soccer depending on if Roy Williams decides to pay attention this year or not.

Bridgeport Education Holiday Bowl: Nebraska vs. Washington (ESPN): Ok, I have no idea if this is sponsored by a company called “Bridgeport Education” or if the makers of Bridgeport tires are promoting an “Education Holiday”. Given that I believe we now rank last in math and science the last thing we need is an education holiday though I have to admit they are some pretty damn good tires. The Holiday Bowl is historically the highest scoring bowl game and is required by law to feature at least five trick plays including one that recreates the scene from Lucas. This will be Nebraska’s last time representing the Big 12 before they join the Big 10 as its 12th member, thus making everything very confusing.

2010 Bowl Preview: Part One

Now that the college football regular season is complete with Army losing once again to Navy, which in term means that Notre Dame ranks somewhere between the two, it is time for me to once again preview each and every one of the bowl games. This will be a multi-night affair as I treat you on what games to watch, players to keep your eyes out for, and explain why one would want to travel to Detroit for a bowl game. Tonight, your pre-Christmas Bowl games.

December 18th
New Mexico Bowl: BYU vs. UTEP (ESPN): This is the first time in almost a decade that BYU is not in the Las Vegas Bowl. I’m telling you, if you go through my past bowl previews you will find more references to BYU fans playing the change machine than I would like to admit. The New Mexico Bowl promotes all things New Mexico, primarily by featuring the halftime entertainment of Weird Al Yankovic.



(Yes, this song has a second part. It’s the encore of Weird Al’s show; not that I’ve attended a dozen or so of his shows or anything.)

Anyway, it’s BYU against the only school in Texas that doesn’t really care about football in a state whose main source of income is tourism dollars from people searching for UFOs. Can’t imagine a better way to start the bowl season.

uDrove Humanitarian Bowl: Northern Illinois vs. Fresno State (ESPN): I think uDrove is a wonderful sponsor for a bowl game in Boise. Many of the people in the stands will be wondering just why they are in Idaho and they will be reminded that “Hey, you’re the idiot who drove here.” This is also one of the worst games a team can be sent to because, let’s face it, if you’re Northern Illinois you at least hope that you might get sent to a place that is vaguely warm. Instead you are playing on blue turf in Boise. At least for Fresno State they get a chance to get out of Fresno, a place I assume makes Idaho look exciting. Since this is the Humanitarian Bowl I fully expect three roughing the passer penalties, five late hits and at least one player pulling out a gun like The Last Boy Scout.

R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: Ohio vs. Troy (ESPN): This is a totally unfair game. We have an entire state against just one guy. However, I have to assume that he is one badass guy if he is willing to step on to a field, look at the other team, and just say “bring it.” Ohio is the team whose mascot attacked Brutus the Buckeye earlier this year and then stated that the only reason he tried out for the mascot position was to have a chance to beat up Brutus the Buckeye. If there is one thing that college football needs it is more full contact warfare between mascots. Anyway, if you are in New Orleans and are attending this game I hope that you are related to one of the players because otherwise there are a lot better things you could be doing in that town.

December 21st:
Beef ‘O’ Brady’s St. Petersburg Bowl: Southern Mississippi vs. Louisville (ESPN): I’m sorry but for what I assume is a food product a bowl of Beef ‘O’ Brady’s sounds like the least appetizing thing in the world. I assume that Florence Henderson is the spokesperson but then I am quite concern of what the beef is of, especially since we haven’t seen Christopher Knight on VH-1 recently. This is a classic matchup between the school that Favre attended that by now probably wants to disavow all associations with him and the school that would much rather prefer to just move on to basketball season. I’ll take Southern Miss, just because they are still overjoyed that they didn’t change their team name to the Wranglers.

December 22nd
MAACO Las Vegas Bowl: Utah vs. Boise State (ESPN): Oh, what could have been. Both these teams were gunning for a BCS Bowl and all Boise State had to do was beat Fresno State and they would have been showing off their blue uniforms in front of the nation. Instead, they will be playing in front of people who didn’t gamble enough to get comped tickets to Cirque du Soleil. This should be a really good game between teams that should be playing on New Year’s Day. Utah has collapsed near the end of the season and Boise wasn’t as good as we all thought but it should still be a good matchup between the best of the non-BCS schools. Plus, you’ll get to hear the “Em double A (honk honk) CO” jingle at least a dozen times and that is always good.

December 23rd
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl: Navy vs. San Diego State (ESPN): Oh, so much to talk about here. First off, this is the fun bowl where for the entire season Navy has been penciled in to play here because they signed a contract with the bowl before the season even started. Seriously, this has been Navy vs. opponent all season long. Then, you have the fact that it will be a home game for both teams. Navy has all of the military personnel in San Diego and San Diego State is, well, in San Diego. This should make for a pretty fun atmosphere with vocal crowds, which is something you don’t see very often in the bowls. Navy will win, of course, but it should be fun to watch.

But really this game is all about the sponsorship, which is still the most mind bending one in existence. Because think of the nationwide ESPN audience being told in great detail the wonders of the San Diego County Credit Union. The convenience of their ATMs, their competitive interest rates and the fact that 99% of the country is ineligible to take advantage of the San Diego County Credit Union. I will never understand this sponsorship and I take pity on the announcers who must say the full name of the game. However, they do get to say things like “Their defense is playing poisonous right now, much like the Poinsettia plant is so remember to be careful with it over the holiday season.”

December 24th
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: Hawaii vs. Tulsa (ESPN): Ah, Christmas Eve. The stockings are hung by the chimney with care. Families are gathered in preparation for the joyous occasion. It is a time for calm and anticipation and spending hours sitting and talking with loved ones. Well, fuck that because Tulsa is playing! Screw your family; when else are you going to get a chance to find out what is the more powerful weather pattern: a Golden Hurricane or a Rainbow?

Yes, instead of watching It’s a Wonderful Life or A Christmas Story on endless repeat you can watch Tulsa take on Hawaii in a game that means pretty much nothing other than Tulsa gets a really nice vacation on it. Sucks for the Hawaii team for having to stay home for a bowl game but they live in Hawaii so you really don’t have to feel sorry for them. It’s just nice to know that if you are sick of your family on Christmas Eve there is football to watch. Maybe not good football but football.

Best of 120 Minutes: Remember how Elastica was supposed to become this huge band yet you only heard one song ever? It’s still a good song but I always wondered whatever happened to the band. Also, in keeping with the rules of 90’s alternative bands I am going to assume that all three girls are playing bass guitar.



The five random CDs for the week:
1) Vedera “The Weight of an Empty Room”
2) Scott Miller and the Commonwealth “Citation”
3) C. J. Chenier “Hot Rod”
4) Ryan Adams “Rock N Roll”
5) Richard Buckner “Impasse”

Keep the Funk in KC!!!

I saw a car with the license plate “WISDUMB” today. Very seldom am I caught wondering if what I am seeing is brilliant or quite possibly the stupidest thing I have ever seen. This one put me in that mode and I have to say that after careful consideration I am going to have to side with the latter.

Also, can someone explain to me why it is impossible to get all of the episodes of the Monkees on DVD? The collection of the series (of which I think there were only two actual seasons) is out of print and I’d be forced to pay an insane amount on Amazon for them. Isn’t this show one of the best things that could ever possibly be on DVD? Who wouldn’t want to own every single episode of the Monkees? This bothers me greatly.

(By the way, apparently my dream of having the Monkees inducted in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is being stopped by Jann Werner of Rolling Stone, who pretty much has the final say in the entire process. So if you ever needed a reason to hate Rolling Stone even more than you already do here you go. Seriously, is there anything more representative of Rock and Roll than the Monkees? Sure they didn’t play their own instruments but isn’t that the entire point? In Rock and Roll certain things like talent, skill or playing in tune aren’t technically required.)

Note to my KC brethren: I finally checked my official blog email (which is seldom read because, well, everyone who reads this knows me in real life except for possibly my fanbase in Brazil) and I have several emails from the Funkhouser reelection campaign. Some people might actually remember that a few years ago I was named an “influential blogger” by the Funkhouser campaign for my innovative campaign slogans like “Bring the Funk to KC” and “We need the Funk” and “Funk this town!” I am not making this up. I was invited to press events and everything which is rather hysterical given that much of the rest of the blog was devoted to describing KC as a cowtown with a distinct lack of cows.

Well, I was able to get Funk elected and then left town before I had to deal with the consequences. That doesn’t mean that I am off the press list though as I am receiving a surprising number of emails from the campaign inviting me to events around town, asking if I want a Funk bobblehead or a t-shirt reading, and I quote here, “Funk your mayor.” It is often said that people get the politicians they deserve. If there is one city more deserving of Funk than KC I have yet to see it.

Your 2010 Holiday Viewing Guide

Due to travel and computer issues I am a few days behind in publishing my Holiday Viewing Guide. Here it is with some references to shows that may have already aired but a) are probably on YouTube and b) will most likely be shown three thousand times between now and Christmas anyway.

(Times are in central as a) I am using a Chicago Sun Times for the listing and b) I don’t feel like doing math.)

Thursday, November 25th
Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade (9 AM, NBC): I read the best description of the Macy’s Parade this year “It’s the Tony Awards if they were held outside in the rain with a lot of lip synching.” That is pretty much it given that the entire event is one large infomercial for Broadway (featuring the horrendous Spider Man musical) and brand mascots. There were no killer balloons this year, which is always a bit of a downer. That turkey float was still there, though.

Miracle on 34th Street (2 PM, NBC): A man makes a mockery of the legal system in which a number of letters from children (that aren’t even opened by the way) is taken to be enough proof of a man’s sanity. I have said it before and I will say it again; there just ain’t no such thing as a sanity clause.

A Very Monkey Christmas (7 PM, PBS): Starring Curious George and the Man in the Yellow Hat. I’m not sure if I prefer this to a show featuring monkeys in Christmas outfits. In fact, I am going to search the Animal Planet listings right now just to see if I could find such a show.

Friday, November 26th
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (Noon, Comedy Central): No one will believe me but I saw this movie for the first time this year. I already knew every line of dialogue though. This might be the high point of Juliette Lewis’s acting career. Definitely the high point of her music career.

Andrea Bocelli and David Foster – My Christmas (8:05 PM, PBS): Sigh. I wish we still had David Foster Wallace with us. I would love to see what he would write about the commercial nature of the holidays and / or tennis.

Sunday, November 28th
The Dog Who Saved Christmas Vacation (7 PM, ABC Family): Let me quote the Sun Times here “Zeus the dog falls for a poodle (voice of Paris Hilton).” Zeus the dog is apparently voiced by Mario Lopez. Or possibly Mario Lopez is playing Zeus the dog. I am compelled to try to find this and watch it just so I could see who could possibly fit the words “Paris Hilton” and “Holiday Christmas Special” in the same pitch.

Monday, November 29th
Scrooged (7 PM, AMC): This film doesn’t get nearly enough love as it deserves during the holidays. Sure, it is darker than stuff like a Christmas Story but it has the benefit of actually being quite funny. Plus, we need more Bill Murray in our lives.

Tuesday, November 30th
Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer (7 PM, CBS): The source of two of my favorite bits of entertainment of all time: Hermey the Misfit Elf and “She thinks I’m cute!!!” There is also something about a reindeer who saves Christmas because Santa was too cheap to purchase running lights for his sleigh. Seriously, the dude runs a multi national corporation and can’t devise a contingency plan for fog?

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (7 PM, ABC): One man nobly gives the arrogant people of Whoville the holiday they truly deserve thus teaching them the true meaning of Christmas. Also, much like the Grinch, I still contend that my body is three sizes too large rather than my heart being three times too small.

Wednesday, December 1st
Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas (7 PM, ABC Family): Hey, want to see Jim Carrey in a skin tight green bodysuit? Yeah, me neither.

Thursday, December 2nd
The Santa Suit (7 PM, Hallmark): Greedy exec (played by Hercules Kevin Sorbo) is transformed into St. Nick. No notes as to whether or not Xena, Warrior Princess makes an appearance as Mrs. Claus. Whatever happened to Xena anyway? She’s due for a Dancing with the Stars appearance.

Saturday, December 4th
Olive, the Other Reindeer (4 PM, Cartoon): Mentioning this one just because of my love of puns. Also, it features a cute dog and dogs just don’t get enough love in holiday specials. Mice, reindeer, the evil minions of Whoville, talking piles of snow, they all get their own shows. Lovable puppy dogs get the misfortune of being voiced by Paris Hilton.

Tuesday, December 7th
A Charlie Brown Christmas (7 PM, ABC): The only holiday special that is required viewing. In fact, if we could just show this repeatedly throughout the holidays we would all be better off. I know that I can’t consider myself unbiased here given that I have a painting of Snoopy hanging in my apartment but there is nothing that touches upon the season quite like this show: Linus’ speech, the funky dancing, Snoopy’s doghouse, and the wonders of Dolly Madison snack cakes. God, I could use a Zinger right now.

Thursday, December 9th
The Santa Incident (7 PM, Hallmark): Have to quote the Sun Times verbatim here: “Homeland Security missile shoots down the sleigh.” I’m not sure if I have anything else to add to that. When I think about Christmas Santa being taken down by surface to air missiles just doesn’t come to mind. It stars Ione Skye for those of you who are wondering what Ione Skye looks like twenty plus years after Say Anything.

Friday, December 10th
The Santa Clause (7 PM, ABC Family): Hey, want to see Tim Allen in a fat suit? Yeah, me neither.

Fred Claus (7 PM, TBS): Hey, want to see Vince Vaughn in, well, anything? Wow, no one? Not even rewatching Swingers? Guess we’ll skip this one.

A Christmas Carol (7 PM, TCM): The story of a man whose proper management techniques provides excellent returns for his shareholders and employment for numerous members of the surrounding community.

Saturday, December 11th
Frosty the Snowman (7 PM, CBS): Teaching kids to fall in love with creatures that will eventually melt and die. Show of hands, how many people end up crying when Frosty starts to melt? There are very few shows that have such a maudlin feel to them as you are promised that he will be back someday as long as you don’t remember that he is currently that puddle of water over there.

It’s a Wonderful Life (7 PM, NBC): I still haven’t watched this movie. I think that qualifies me as purely evil or something. Just wasn’t something we watched in my family. That or I never felt that banking practices were exactly riveting holiday topics.

Tuesday, December 14th
I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown (7 PM, ABC): If you stopped reading Peanuts near the end, which wouldn’t be too surprising as Charles Schulz was kind of losing it by that point, you missed a lot of wonderful bits featuring Linus and Lucy’s younger brother: Rerun. Not only could he be philosophical (and rather dark) but one long standing plot line was his wanting a dog. I really relate to Rerun.

Saturday, December 18th
Rudolph and Frosty’s Christmas in July (11 AM, ABC Family): I don’t understand this one at all. First off, these two characters have perfectly fine specials of their own so they don’t need to do some sort of superhero team up episode. Plus, it’s December. Why the hell do I want to watch a show about July? Horrible marketing all around.

Christmas Eve
“’Twas the Night Before Christmas” (Noon, ABC Family): The most underrated Christmas special of all time. Yes, this one probably holds a special place in my heart because it features an extremely intelligent, glasses wearing mouse, who almost ruins Christmas because he is too smart for his own good. Not like that is representative of me in the least. It even has some really nice songs. Watch this over so many of the crappy holiday movies out there.

A Christmas Story (7 PM (and every two hours after), TBS): Much like Shakespeare and Elvis, A Christmas Story suffers from the fact that something can be the best and still be overrated. Yes, this was an amazing film when I first watched it and there are scenes that can still bring a smile to my face but it is so overplayed (literally being shown for 24 hours straight) that for the most part it has no meaning any more. I would like us to have a few year moratorium on this film just so it could regain its awesomeness.

A weekend to forget

And I’m back again after a slight trip into the unknown and some rather bad days. Ever have a period where absolutely everything seemed to go wrong at once? Well, that has been this entire year. This weekend just seemed to live up to it. What is amazing is that what I am going to write about isn’t even the worst thing that happened this weekend.

First off, I’ve spent most of the past few days fighting off a nasty stomach bug. You know, one of those fun ones where you spend much of the day in the bathroom and the rest of the time wondering who hit you in the stomach with a 2 by 4. I still don’t know quite what I caught but it was nastier than anything I have dealt with in recent years. Not too many people end up losing six pounds over Thanksgiving but this was that bad. I’ve luckily recovered and now have started to feel like myself again.

(By the way, this makes me really think that the only way those contestants on the Biggest Loser put up those weight loss numbers in a week is through massive dehydration. There is no way in the world that one can knock off that much weight in fat that quickly even if they spent all day exercising. While it is great that I am near my weight loss target for the year I right now need to put on weight or at least drink a ton of Gatorade.)

Add to that I had the wonderful scenario of having my car very nearly die on me. Technically, it just struggled to start mightily. First dealt with this at the airport when I came home where I thought that maybe having the car out in the cold for a few days made it a little sluggish. Sluggish then turned to almost being unable to start to today where when it started my fuel gauge read empty even though I had a quarter of a tank left. Ended up I had a nearly dead battery and had to go and get that replaced and was just happy that I was able to drive the car in as opposed to having it towed in. Given that my car is only a year old this is insanely annoying.

Like I said that wasn’t anywhere near the worst thing to happen this weekend but it just gives you a sense of how my year is going. With just one more month to go I would really like to just get out of 2010 and into 2011. I know that it theoretically won’t make much of a difference but I would really like to see a new page on the calendar. Maybe it will help things out greatly.

(I did have a great time going home for Thanksgiving and seeing my family. It is tough when you live so far away from everyone. It gets lonely out here in Delaware. And boring, but I’m pretty sure that fact surprises no one.)

What I've Read

So my friend Lori posted this list on her Facebook page and I figured that I might as well blog about it. It is a list of the top 100 books per the BBC (or more accurately the viewers). Books that I have read are shown in bold. Those that I have at least read some of are shown in italics. This will give a good sense of where the big gaps are in my reading habits.

1) Pride and Prejudice – Jane Austen
2) The Lord of the Rings – JRR Tolkien
3) Jane Eyre – Charlotte Bronte
4) Harry Potter series – J K Rowling
5) To Kill a Mockingbird – Harper Lee
6) The Bible
7) Wuthering Heights – Emily Bronte
8) 1984 – George Orwell
9) His Dark Materials – Phillip Pullman
10) Great Expectations – Charles Dickens
11) Little Women – Louisa May Alcott
12) Tess of the D’Ubervilles – Thomas Hardy
13) Catch 22 – Joseph Heller
14) The Complete Works of Shakespeare
15) Rebecca – Daphne Du Maurier
16) The Hobbit – JRR Tolkien
17) Birdsong – Sebastian Faulks
18) The Catcher in the Rye – JD Salinger
19) The Time Traveller’s Wife – Audrey Niffenegger
20) Middlemarch – George Eliot
21) Gone With the Wind – Margaret Mitchell
22) The Great Gatsby – F Scott Fitzgerald
23) Bleak House – Charles Dickens
24) War and Peace – Leo Tolstoy
25) The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy – Douglas Adams
26) Brideshead Revisited – Evelyn Waugh
27) Crime and Punishment – Fyodor Dostoevsky
28) The Grapes of Wrath – John Steinbeck
29) Alice in Wonderland – Lewis Carroll
30) The Wind in the Willows – Kenneth Grahme
31) Anna Karenina – Leo Tolstoy
32) David Copperfield – Charles Dickens
33) The Chronicles of Narnia – CS Lewis
34) Emma – Jane Austen
35) Persuasion – Jane Austen
36) The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe – CS Lewis
37) The Kite Runner – Khalid Hosseini
38) Captain Corelli’s Mandolin – Louis De Berniere
39) Memoirs of a Geisha – Arthur Golden
40) Winnie the Pooh – AA Milne
41) Animal Farm – George Orwell
42) The Da Vinci Code – Dan Brown
43) One Hundred Years of Solitude – Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44) A Prayer for Owen Meaney – John Irving
45) The Woman in White – Wilkie Collins
46) Anne of Green Gables – LM Montgomery
47) Far from the Maddening Crowd – Thomas Hardy
48) The Handmaid’s Tale – Margaret Atwood
49) Lord of the Flies – William Golding
50) Atonement – Ian McEwan
51) Life of Pi – Yann Martel
52) Dune – Frank Herbery
53) Cold Comfort Farm – Stella Gibbons
54) Sense and Sensibility – Jane Austen
55) A Suitable Boy – Vikram Seth
56) The Shadow of the Wind – Carlos Ruis Zafon
57) A Tale of Two Cities – Charles Dickens
58) Brave New World – Aldous Huxley
59) The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime – Mark Gaddon
60) Love in the Time of Cholera – Gabriel Garcia Marques
61) Of Mice and Men – John Steinbeck
62) Lolita – Vladimir Nabokov
63) The Secret History – Donna Tartt
64) The Lovely Bones – Alice Sebold
65) Count of Monte Cristo – Alexandre Dumas
66) On the Road – Jack Kerouac
67) Jude the Obscure – Thomas Hardy
68) Bridget Jones’s Diary – Helen Fielding
69) Midnight’s Children – Salman Rushdie
70) Moby Dick – Herman Melville
71) Oliver Twist – Charles Dickens
72) Dracula – Bram Stroker
73) The Secret Garden – Frances Hodgson Burnett
74) Notes from a Small Island – Bill Bryson
75) Ulysses – James Joyce
76) The Bell Jar – Sylvia Plath
77) Swallows and Amazons – Arthur Ransome
78) Germinal – Emile Zola
79) Vanity Fair – William Makepeace Thackeray
80) Possession – AS Byatt
81) A Christmas Carol – Charles Dickens
82) Cloud Atlas – David Mitchell
83) The Color Purple – Alice Walker
84) The Remains of the Day – Kazup Ishiguro
85) Madame Bovary – Gustave Falubert
86) A Fine Balance – Rohinton Mistry
87) Charlotte’s Web – EB White
88) The Five People You Meet In Heaven – Mitch Albom
89) The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes – Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90) The Faraway Tree Collection – Enid Blyton
91) Heart of Darkness – Joseph Conrad
92) The Little Prince – Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93) The Wasp Factory – Iain Banks
94) Watership Down – Richard Adams
95) A Confederacy of Dunces – John Kennedy Toole
96) A Town Like Alice – Nevil Shute
97) The Three Musketeers – Alexandre Dumas
98) Hamlet – William Shakespeare
99) Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – Roald Dahl
100) Les Miserables – Victor Hugo

That is 27 read and 6 partials and I am more than pissed that I have to count the works of Shakespeare as a partial. I’ve read 23 of the plays and I really don’t feel like I should be penalized for not having read King John. No one reads King John. Anyway, not bad for someone who is a science geek who never had a literature class above English 103. (Kim, my English major significantly better half, has read probably well over half of these.)

I don’t list this as much to show off what I’ve read and stroke my ego but rather to get a sense of where are the gaps in my reading. Since this is a BBC list my gaps are obviously amongst British authors. I haven’t read any Jane Austen and have barely touched the Brontes. I wish I had a better reason for that other than male chauvinism but that really is the answer. Remember at one point in time I had to specifically make it a goal of mine to read at least one female author every year. For some reason I got it stuck in my head that stuff like Pride and Prejudice were “girl books” and I didn’t have to concern myself with them. Yes, that is actually as stupid as it sounds.

I’m also woefully lacking in Charles Dickens and his cohort Wilkie Collins. Here I want to blame my precociousness as a youth given that it backfired on me. I probably started to read Great Expectations when I was in seventh or eighth grade and could just never get into it. There was Pip and a convict and for some reason a really detailed inventory of a cupboard and it just never clicked, most likely because I was a twelve year old kid trying to understand Victorian England. As a result, I’ve never gone back to it. Well, my goal for next year is to really fill this gap in my literary knowledge.

The Russians, on the other hand, have been my nemesis forever. Those books just stare at me from the shelves and taunt me with their difficulty. As a result I haven’t read War and Peace or Crime and Punishment or, for that matter, War and Punishment or Crime and Peace. I still don’t feel that I will be able to claim to be a true connoisseur of literature until I conquer the Russians but that will be a challenge.

Of what I have read I have hit most of the 20th century classics while missing some of the more popular stuff (no Tolkein even though no one will ever believe that.) I’ve always been lacking in terms of mainstream fiction though I really do want to read The Time Traveller’s Wife and The Lovely Bones. I don’t know if I can say that I am well rounded in my literary tastes but I have a pretty significant background especially given this is not what I’ve ever officially studied. I’m probably not as well read as I think I am, which is good because that just means I have more books to read and that is never a bad thing.

Flying blind

(And I’m back from my extended laptop vacation. New laptop has been acquired, name still to be determined. You have to figure out the personality of a new machine before it can be properly named. Right now I am leaning towards Farrah.)

If it is Thanksgiving that means that it is travel time and more and more people will be crowding the airports and making my life a living hell. As someone who flies enough that he has become a frequent flier on two separate airlines this time of year is just brutal for me because my usual routines get completely screwed up by people who have no idea what they are doing. So, as a public service, here is my advice if you are going to the airport this week.

1) Print out your boarding pass at home: Saves you a few minutes, especially if you aren’t checking bags. This way if all you have are carryons you can go straight to security. Plus, depending on the airline the sooner you check in the sooner you will be able to get on the plane, which I will talk about later.

2) Be prepared for the security process: I have a routine that I go through every time I fly. Right before I step in the security line I go through everything in my pockets and place them in my backpack. I have my boarding pass and ID in hand. In my backpack in clear plastic bags are a) any liquids I am carrying (in small bottles), b) my Kindle and any laptop cords and c) my portable DVD player (which Kim got me for my birthday and has been a wonderful present). Once I get to the X ray machine shoes are off, bags are in the bin and I quickly move through. It really isn’t that difficult a process if you spend thirty seconds getting yourself prepared beforehand.

3) But what about the new fangled scanners?: Ok, I must admit that I haven’t had to deal with these yet. However, due to the fact that I have worked in places where I have required some pretty significant security clearances (strange but true) I have gone through my share of scanners in my day. I personally am not too worried about the new scanners: random person who can’t see me or my face sees a strange computer image of me where I look vaguely naked. It’s just not an issue for me though I understand how others might feel that way. The radiation doesn’t worry me either or at least no more than my worry that I will be sitting in a metal box 30,000 feet in the air being supported only by the laws of physics. As for pat downs, yeah, they can get up in your grill depending on how they do it. Still, as someone who was scheduled to be on a flight from London a few years back that was targeted I am happy to see any advanced security tactics.

4) Don’t stand on moving walkways: Seriously. This freaking kills me. You’ve been sitting in a plane for hours only to get on the walkway and stand perfectly still because you are too tired to walk while thirty people behind you run into each other. If you are perfectly fine with walking then use the walkway for what it was intended for: walking.

5) The Chic-Fil-A at the airport is closed on Sundays: Even for Thanksgiving weekend. The one time I was forced to fly out of Philly on that Sunday I discovered this horrible fact. Given that one of the few pleasures of flying out of Philly is Chic-Fil-A this was heart wrenching.

6) Understand your airlines boarding procedure: Some have assigned seats and board by zones. Some have open seating and board in numerical order. Understand that ahead of time or ask the nice person next to you how it works. I can’t stand people who don’t know the process or try to board with Zone 2 when they are Zone 8. I understand the need to game the system and lord knows I’ve done it (luckily my frequent flier status helps me here) but at least follow the rules.

7) Live by the laws of carry on baggage: You get two bags. One goes under your seat. One goes overhead. Putting your coat in the overhead bin just pisses people off. Rollerbags go in wheels first. And I hate to say this but if you are one of the last people to board odds are your bag is going to be gate checked. It’s happened to me and it will happen to you, especially if you are on one of the airlines that charges to check bags. Over the past two years you have seen a huge increase in the amount of carry on luggage because of people not wanting to check bags. That means that the bins fill up quickly and if you are not one of the people who board early it means that you can end up spending 45 minutes waiting for your carry on bag with the rest of the luggage (which happened to me at midnight a few weeks ago.) If everyone packs accordingly this is less of an issue but if you are worried about it you need to find a way to board early or just check your bags to begin with.

8) Don’t bother the guy wearing headphones: You really don’t want to hear about my day.

I also have a great need for paste

Remember when you were in grade school and you sat and wondered when in your life you would actually end up using these skills? Well, I had one of those moments today where I realized that my second grade teacher was on to something. That is because despite the fact that I have at my fingertips massive computing power, three monitors, the entire breadth of information contained in Google and a cell phone that is more powerful than my first three computers I had to spend a good portion of my morning searching for a ruler so I could measure something.

Seriously, I had to find a ruler. Incredibly, we had one in our supply closet so I was able to accurately measure some distances on a map. I know it sounds vaguely normal but it was just one of those moments that really struck me as totally bizarre. I have no recollection of the last time I even used a ruler. A tape measure is a different matter; everyone needs to use those occassionaly around the house. But a ruler sits slightly above the protractor and the compass in terms of useful items (and that is giving the compass bonus points due to its potential to be used as a deadly weapon. Whose wonderful idea was it to provide kids with essentially metal spikes?)

We did learn a lot of useless skills as kids. I only use cursive to sign my name and might not even be able to write a sentence in it today. I certainly couldn't write a legible paragraph but that is why I gave up using cursive when I was in high school. My handwriting was atrocious due to the fact that I can't hold a pencil correctly (I'm right handed and right brained which causes a lot of strange side effects) so I just started printing everything. Now since everything is typewritten cursive is a thing of the past. I also don't perform long division anywhere nearly as often as you would expect nor do I ever have a need to find the lowest common denominator. Calculus though I have used every frigging day of my adult life. Diagramming a sentence? Not as much.

(Side note here. I was thinking recently about how I took absolutely zero fun classes in college. I mean, I had friends who took ballroom dancing and long distance running for credit. The closest I had to something fun were my liberal arts electives of intro to world history and intro to english. Those were interesting but still pretty well required. Everything else was math and engineering. It may have made me successful but it certainly wasn't much fun. I would have killed to have taken the english course that focused on comedy writing.)

One of the things that I have noticed is that despite the fact that I am now undeniably old I still think back to my time in school. This week I have had two nightmares that were high school or college related even though that was 20 years ago. Maybe we never quite leave the classroom.

Six Years and Counting!!!!

It's my birthday! I'm a ninja! It's my birthday!

(I might as well immediately state that is a Sifl and Olly reference because no one is going to get it. To be honest, no one is going to understand what I mean by "Sifl and Olly" either. Sigh.)

Yes friends of the blogosphere tonight marks the six year anniversary of the launch of Battling the Current. I am not making this up; you could peruse all of my past entries by searching the archives on the right column going back to my November 10, 2004 post where I try to explain what a blog is to people. It's been an amazing ride. Let's review some stats.

Number of posts: 1,483

Number of words written: If I take a low estimate and say I average 500 words a post that would equate to 741,500 words. If I guess 600 words a post it equals 889,800 words. I am somewhere in that range. At 60,000 words for a novel that means I have written the equivalent of between 12 and 15 books over the past six years. Yet I still cannot finish my novel. Astounding.

Country that I am most amazed that I get page hits from: Iran. Every year I get a few hits from Iran. I always imagine that this results in some poor censor having to check out this site and try to figure out precisely why I have such an interest in Lindsay Lohan.

Country where I have suddenly become popular: Brazil. Over the past month almost 4 % of the people who read the blog came from Brazil and if you look at the map they are spread across the entire country. I've had nearly as many views from Indonesia. Anyone who wishes to explain this to me I would love to know why.

Number of laptops used: Three. Julie (still operational and the founding computer of the blog), Natalie (wonderful though tempremental machine whose screen imploded on me) and Beth (who I just had diagnosed as suffering a motherboard failure.) I'll be getting a fourth, name to be determined, in the near future. And as I said before I will not name a laptop Lindsay because that would just doom the machine to virus infections.

Number of times I was physically threatened in the comments: Once when I said about a singer songwriter in Lawrence that "the show improved when he broke a guitar string because at least now he had a reason for sucking so badly." That did not go over with the fans.

Bands where my blog has been promoted on the website / primary fan page: Tift Merritt, The Polyphonic Spree and The Frames. The last one is still probably my proudest moment and easily gained me the most traffic. They are my favorite band and people loved the reason I posted the video.

Television shows on the air in November 2004: Joey, My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss, Method and Red, The OC

Number of CDs released under the Battling the Current label: Three. I should probably start that up again. People just don't make enough mixtapes.

Distance I must keep between myself and My Beloved Lindsay at all times: 500 yards thanks to a rather humorless judge.


All in all it has been a rather amazing run. I never anticipated writing like this for six years but then again I never imagined anyone reading it either. And the fact is I have gotten comments and readership and even followers (or at least that is what Blogger calls them) so in my mind this has been a pretty successful venture. I know that the past year or so has seen a decline in the amount of posts mainly due to the fact that my schedule is not as constant as it once was but I still love getting to sit down at night and just write whatever I feel like. It really is a highlight of my day.

I still don't know when or if I'll ever stop this site. I'm still trying to figure out its new tone as it was started as a way for me to vent about my failings in my search for my dream girl and now I've, well, now I'm getting ready to marry her. But I have a feeling that just means that my adventures won't stop; they are just going to change shape. It's been a fun ride so far and I doubt it is going to stop anytime soon.

Computer issues

So, right after I finished my blog post last night (literally while I was checking the page view stats like I do after every post) Beth the Laptop decided to turn itself off in a rather catastrophic manner. Just one of those moments when everything is working fine and then the screen suddenly goes "bloop" and you quickly realize how long it has been since you've backed up your hard drive. I don't know quite what happened and will have one of my tech guys look at it later this week but I have a feeling that it may be rather severely fried. I'm just hoping that I will be able to rescue the data. Even though all of my writing is on the blog I would rather not have to compile over 100,000 words of blog posts back into Word format just so I could keep all my writers journals together.

What this also means is that I have brought Julie the Laptop out of retirement for the time being. Julie was the computer of choice for the blog at the beginning and is still the computer that I am most accustomed to. I have had this laptop since 2001 and it went through grad school, the blog, and several attempts at writing a novel. There really isn't much that I have not used this laptop for. She's probably the best computer that I have ever had given that nine years later I can get her to run while Beth failed shy of the two year mark. (For the record, Julie is a Sony Vaio with a Julie Delpy screensaver. Beth was an HP with a Beth Orton screensaver. And yes, my computers all have names.)

While I do have a computer up and running there is something uniquely horrible about having your computer fail. Your entire life is tied up with your computer and the idea about being separated from your data and the online world is rather scary. For me it is more of a matter of being away from my information. I don't have my journal or my CD collection spreadsheet or the list of all of the books that I've read. None of that information is vital to my day to day existence and most of it could be recreated but it really is a huge component of who I am. I've kept the journals for 12 years now and I have each one in a Word document. Same for the list of books. It is kind of silly but it means the world to me. Luckily most of my pictures are stored in numerous places and my music still exists in CD form. I couldn't imagine losing my entire music collection in one instant.

Given that I am writing this online now I probably shouldn't say this but I think that I could survive without the internet at least in the short term. I guess I should temper that by saying on a personal level as obviously I can access the net from work. It probably won't be a bad thing if I spend less time online over these next few weeks. I could use some time away from Facebook and celebrity gossip sites. I don't have to spend all evening reading reviews of television shows that I have already watched to see if I missed some pithy comment that I could make regarding a line of dialogue. Sometimes you just need to turn the information spigot off. Maybe I'll do that.

Government taking our sunlight...

(Is there a rule as to how long political signs have to stay up on the side of the road after an election? I was sick of looking at pictures of Christine O’Donnell before; now that there is no legitimate reason for me to care about her I really don’t know why I have to see the signs. Though I will admit that her candidacy was the only way for the rest of the country to remember that Delaware is technically a state which, too be honest, is questionable at best.)

This is also the time of year where I make my typical remarks around how horrible Daylight Savings Time is. Actually, this weekend is the one I like as it a) gives me an extra hour of sleep and b) for a short period of time actually puts my body on the right schedule. See, my natural tendency is to sleep later than I should and stay up later than I should for my work schedule. Switching the clocks back an hour makes my body match up with the time for once. The fact that it was pitch black at 5:30 is not what one would call a nice thing but this time change doesn’t bother me nearly as much as the one in the spring. Still, just another sign that we are nearing the time of year where you wake up in the dark, go home in the dark and spend the rest of the time in a windowless box looking at a computer screen. Isn’t modern life wonderful?

In the “You know how lazy you are” story of the day, one of the Chilean miners completed the New York City marathon today in five hours and forty minutes. I, on the other hand, couldn’t be bothered to get up off the couch in order to run on the treadmill. The miner in question was the one who not only sang Elvis songs to keep everyone’s spirits up but also would run several miles every day inside the mine in order to keep himself together. All of which makes me wonder if they had that much space and free time why didn’t they do any actual mining? They were down there for two months so you would think that they could have dug up some gold while they were at it.

Last thought of the night as I know that this has been a completely random post. I’ve been watching Holmes on Homes on HGTV recently and I have realized that once I actually purchase a house that I am completely screwed. While Holmes is awesome as the only contractor on the planet who legitimately cares about his work the show basically puts the fear of God in the hearts of anyone who even thinks about owning a place. It is just one piece of bad construction after another that no homeowner would ever catch. Plus, you realize just how little you actually know about construction. If I was forced to maintain my own place alone I’d be living in a tent by the end of the week.

Best of 120 Minutes: Ever notice how certain bars have certain songs? As in that for some reason it is tradition that one song must be played on the jukebox every night even though it hasn’t been a hit in well over a decade. Well at Kelly’s in Kansas City it was James “Laid”. Of all the songs that one could choose this is actually a really good one. No one ever explained to me why this spoke to the people of Kansas City but hey, it was Kansas City. It will never make any sense.



The five random CDs for the week:
1) White Rabbits “Fort Nightly”
2) Mike Doughty “Sad Man Happy Man”
3) Keb’ Mo’ “Just Like You”
4) The Minus 5 “Down with Wilco”
5) The V-Roys “Are You Through Yet?”

Some real quick notes...

Your big news story for the day is that David Cassidy was arrested for a DUI this morning, thus answering the question “Is David Cassidy still alive?” Actually, at this point does his getting pulled over for a DUI even qualify as news? How far removed must you be from stardom to no longer qualify under “celebrity gossip?” No one has cared about David Cassidy for decades so this really is no different than some regular guy getting pulled over for a DUI. I mean, when you reach the point in fame where people say that you couldn’t even get arrested in this town the fact that you actually did get arrested should not qualify as a news story.

Bret Michaels sleeping with Miley Cyrus’ mom, on the other hand, is totally a news story if just to show how freaking awesome Bret Michaels is. I actually saw someone online argue that this would ruin Bret’s image. Ruin his image? The guy had a show for several seasons on VH-1 that consisted entirely of him hooking up with strippers and people just loved him more for it. Stealing a woman from Billy Ray Cyrus is just a victory lap at this point.

Oh, and the one last election story that I had somehow forgotten to talk about the past two nights. I can’t believe that the legalize marijuana initiative did not pass in California. I mean, how difficult is it to organize a bunch of potheads to stuff the ballot box? It’s not like they are lazy or anything. However, it came as no surprise to me that shares in Taco Bell plummeted once the election results were in. (The funniest thing I read online recently was in regards to a football player being arrested on drug possession at a Taco Bell at 2 in the morning. Someone wrote “Is there anyone in line at Taco Bell at 2 in the morning who doesn’t have pot on them?”)

About last night...

I have a few thoughts on the election from last night that I didn’t bother sharing because everyone on the planet was sharing their thoughts on the election and to be honest no one cared. I doubt that anyone will care now but at least my voice will have a little less competition. Also, I like to say that I completely avoided watching any election coverage because it is quite possibly the most boring coverage in the world. It is just a bunch of numbers on a screen and that is incredibly uninteresting and this is coming from a guy who looks at spreadsheets all day.

I think the big story of the election is not the Republican victory but which Republican candidates lost. Particularly the triumvirate of Christine O’Donnell, Sharon Angle and to a lesser extent Linda McMahon. I’m not targeting them because they are women though there is an interesting argument that they are anti-feminist candidates to be made. My main point is that they ran as outsider, rather radical candidates in elections that they could easily have won but all lost, often at great expense. Their losses will probably be the biggest strike against a Sarah Palin presidency run.

There is only so much one can do as an outsider candidate running on a platform that contains outrageous statements. You can tap into a vein of popular sentiment against the incumbent but unless you have some bona fide credentials behind you the tactic tends to not work. Sharon Angle is a clear example of this. Despite the fact that everyone, including members of his family, hates Harry Reid she still couldn’t beat him because voters could not rally behind her image and her message. We want change, we want new voices, but there is a point where we get really nervous. I did not want to vote for Chris Coons in Delaware but Christine O’Donnell gave me no reason to vote for her other than she was mildly attractive.

Sarah Palin is going to fall right into this trap. She can’t run as the experienced candidate when she quit the governorship to star in a reality TV show with Kate Gosselin and whatever number of kids were available for filming that day. Candidates running as free speaking outsiders without credentials don’t win on the level necessary to be president. The fact that the Republicans didn’t take the senate shows that the party is going to need a candidate more towards the middle and more traditional in order to win the presidency in 2012.

(Yes, I know that Rand Paul winning in Kentucky despite saying quite amazing things such as that he wouldn’t vote for the Civil Rights Act kind of shoots a hole in my theory. However, it is Kentucky where it is a state law that the senators be technically insane. It is in the same section of the constitution that states that all elected officials must down a fifth of Jim Beam every morning.)

Basically what I am saying is that we are going to be returning to politics as usual. Washington will be gridlock, which is usually the best we can hope for. The best government is one that doesn’t actually accomplish anything and that keeps the politicians off the streets where they could do real damage. We’ll see both parties merge towards the middle, the rhetoric will die down some and we can all get a little bit of peace and quiet. Hopefully.

Wednesday Night Music Club: I’m in a Soul Coughing mood at the moment plus this video features cartoon angst. All you really need to ask for.

The 2012 presidential campaign starts.....now!

A whole bunch of random notes for the evening…

1) A huge shout to How I Met Your Mother for having Barney wear a Cobra Kai costume for Halloween. As a proud owner of a Cobra Kai t-shirt I am glad to see that Barney is a member of the “Strike First, Strike Hard, No Mercy” fraternity. Also this episode showed precisely why Barney gets the girls while Ted doesn’t. Barney is suavely dressed in Cobra Kai kit, an understated costume that shows off his guns and can be quickly removed in a romantic situation. Ted, on the other hand, is wearing a full hot dog costume that is way too obvious, has inconveniently located zippers and would lead to the use of lines like “boy, I would certainly relish you.” That is why I am totally Team Barney.

2) While driving home from work I saw a handwritten sign on a church that read “God Sez Vote for O’Donnell.” My first thought was, “I would really expect God to be a better speller.” Well, sad to say Delaware’s favorite witch lost tonight in a result that we all saw coming months ago. I will say that she did get more negative press than she deserved. She did not have the qualifications to be senator but the fact that Gawker printed a story about a “one night stand” from a few years back was unnecessary. First off, they didn’t have sex so I don’t feel it qualifies as a one night stand. Second, you need sex for it to actually be a sex scandal. Finally, the story was about how a thirtysomething single woman hooked up with a guy at a Halloween party. That is not a scandal. Hell, it’s made me like her more as a result.

3) Other sign I have seen around town is “Jesus returns May 21, 2011.” As it says in the Bible “We do not know the day nor the hour…ok, we know the day but not the hour. Though it will most probably be in the afternoon.” Apparently there is a guy who has done the math and has pinpointed this as the exact date of the second coming and a complete screw you to those who are following the Mayan calendar. Still, every time I see a sign like that I can’t help but think “Jesus is coming! Quick, everyone hide the porn!”

4) It is sad that the reason I am happy the Linda McMahon has lost her bid for the senate is not that it means that the Democrats will hold on to the Senate but rather that it means that the WWE will improve over the next few months. Every few years the McMahons decide to waste money on efforts to expand their business (the World Bodybuilding Federation, the XFL, the movie studio, politics) and fail miserably while taking money and energy away from the wrestling product. The wrestling suffers and this year has been no exception as it has now become PG entertainment. Well, with a loss we can finally get back to the sex and violence that makes pro wrestling great.

5) One of the candidates in Delaware was running as part of the Blue Enigma party. That has to be the coolest political party name ever. That is what politics needs more of: a sense of mystery and danger.

A Big Thing Badly

This has been a rather strange week to be a Notre Dame alumni. It is not because our football team sucks to the point that we boo the coach off the field. As an Illini I am rather used to that. In fact “Booing the team after another heartbreaking defeat due to pure ineptness” is actually listed as one of the traditions of Illini football in Wikipedia. No, this is more of one of shame and outrage and cursing stupidity in the name of sports.

As most people know a Notre Dame student was killed at practice last week when the scissor lift that he was using to film practice was toppled by high winds. The weather in the Midwest was insane last week with the barometric pressure being the equivalent of a category 3 hurricane and numerous tornadoes being spawned across several states. My Facebook page was filled with status updates of people who couldn’t believe the storm. While Notre Dame has a perfectly find indoor practice facility that they used on Tuesday on Wednesday the coach decided to send the team outside to practice with the wind gusting to up to 50 mph. And one of those gusts is what killed a student.

People have called it a tragedy and while that is true it is really a poor use of the word tragic. Whenever any young person dies it is a tragic circumstance but we typically use that in reference to an unknown, unpreventable situation. This was completely preventable. They shouldn’t have been outside, they shouldn’t have used the lifts in that type of wind and the entire situation would have been avoided. Instead a 20 year old was buried today. It is the perfect definition of an avoidable tragedy.

It also bothers me how sportswriters use events like this to talk about how campus communities come together in times like this as a crutch to preview the game. More than a few people wrote about how Notre Dame rallies and bonds together at times of tragedy. That is entirely true and I have witnessed it myself on several occasions. However, none of that has to do with any game being played on Saturday. We comfort each other because that is in our nature. It is not meant to be a show of support so that our inside linebacker can better read a blocking scheme. Some of the articles read as though this would be a benefit to the team in terms of unity going into the game. I can’t even wrap my head around this one.

I’m not sure who should get the blame for this but someone certainly needs to. Whether it is the coach or the AD who has the ultimate responsibility I am not sure but this is certainly not emblematic of the school and the program that I have supported. They practiced outside due to some macho bullshit code of toughing it out under adverse conditions even though nothing useful could be accomplished. How do you practice pass plays with a 50 mph crosswind? No one bothered to look at the kid in the air on the sideline and go, “You know, I really don’t think we need footage of the pass rush today.” That bothers me greatly. Something so simple and so obvious was overlooked at a place where those are the things that should matter most.

I know that the students will cope with this and come out stronger. That is the Notre Dame way. I just hope that somewhere in this a lesson is learned by the people who are placed in the position of leadership to understand what is truly important. This is the darkest moment that I have seen since I’ve been associated with the school. I can only hope that they address this in the most straightforward and honest manner possible because it will be a long time before I can cheer the team on the field in quite the same way again.

The five random CDs for the week:
1) The Iguanas “If You Should Ever Fall On Hard Times”
2) Jack Ingram “Live at Billy Bob’s Texas”
3) Leonard Cohen “The Essential Leonard Cohen”
4) Cowboy Mouth “Easy”
5) Anders Osborne “Live at Tipitina’s”

Costume ideas

It’s Halloween time again and that means for the fifteenth straight year I will be putting on the backpack, stocking cap and red and white striped shirt and see if people can find me in a crowded bar. (Because I’m Waldo, get it? This was even funnier when I would do this in the Waldo section of Kansas City. People would yell “Where’s Waldo” and I would go “You’re already there, moron.” Ah, good times.) Anyway, since not everyone is as creative as I am I figured that I would provide some helpful costume hints this year.

If you want to look like everyone else: Dress up as your favorite Jersey Shore cast member. Every other person will be dressed like Snookie this year so you will blend in perfectly. Note: this is not an acceptable costume if you happen to actually be in New Jersey.

If you have absolutely no time to make a costume: Stick a small pencil behind your ear and call yourself a miniature golf scorekeeper.

If you want a geeky but cool costume: Dress as Clark Kent. Normal dress attire but with a Superman t-shirt slightly visible underneath. Whenever anyone asks who you are supposed to be dramatically pull at your shirt as you strike a heroic pose (props to the io9 commenter I borrowed this idea from.)

If you want to steal the girl a guy has been talking to, buying drinks for and even a late dinner for at the bar: A life sized penguin costume. Not that I am speaking from experience or anything. People ask me about my irrational hatred of penguins and I can only tell them, “Trust me, it’s not irrational.”

If you want to live out your Karate Kid fantasies in a very impractical manner: Dress as a shower. Actually saw this costume in a bar once.

If you want to truly live out your Karate Kid fantasies: Get one of those kick ass skeleton costumes and head over to Ralph Macchio’s house. Teach him that Cobra Kai is the only dojo that matters.

If you need to incorporate your current level of weight gain: Where shorts and a solid color t-shirt and say that you are a Biggest Loser contestant.

If you need to go from the office straight to a party: Rock out the suit and say that you are Barney Stinson.

If you want to dress as your favorite political candidate: Don’t. Please, for the love of god, don’t. I’ve seen enough political witches this year already thank you very much.

Why the internet is killing our minds

Your question of the day: Cats land on their feet. Toast lands butter side down. What happens if you strap a piece of toast on a cat’s back and drop it?

I just finished reading this book called “The Shallows” which discusses how the use of the Internet is rewiring our brains and is making us, for a lack of a better term, dumber. Or maybe not dumber in the largest sense of the world but much less likely to perform deep thinking and true introspection on topics. Essentially, the internet allows us to gain a great deal of data rapidly but prevents us from obtaining actual knowledge.

The main idea behind it is that the Net is designed for constant distraction. You always have interruptions from emails or instant messages. We have trained ourselves to quickly gleam the most important information from a page in seconds without even glancing at any other items on the page. Search engines provide us with answers quickly and keep us from looking around to find a broader picture. We have gained convenience but have lost depth.

For me this is rather fascinating given that my life has been spent half in a pre-internet age and half in a data immersed world and I have to say that on many levels I agree with this argument. I just checked and the number of books I read on a yearly basis steadily fell from 1998 on while I would reckon that the amount of time I spent online rose. While obviously that online time was spent reading I can’t say that I gained anything from it. It isn’t as though I have ever stumbled across a website that influenced my way of thinking as much as a book has. The web just doesn’t have that depth to it.

(It is interesting though that I will end up reading more books this year than I have in a decade and that might entirely be due to my owning a Kindle. For some reason (possibly because I have grown so accustomed to looking at a screen) I read more now that I have one. Much of the arguments about how the web interrupts our thought process with hyperlinks and video don’t really apply with the Kindle though they would with an iPad. Which is why I am sticking with my Kindle.)

I would agree that the internet has shortened our attention span. It is designed to provide information quickly, which is the goal of all computer systems. The web was not designed to answer the philosophical questions of our time. It was designed for the rapid flow of information and / or porn. But what strikes me more is how the internet has not only made our thinking shallower but it has also made us shallow on a more emotional level.

We must admit to ourselves that when we are online we are not dealing with people but with the digital representations of people and as such our interactions in that medium do not match what we hope for in society. Look at the comments section of any site and you will see arguments, name calling and the worst use of grammar that you could ever imagine yet this is all considered acceptable behavior because no one on the other end is “real”. Though there are people I have followed online for over a decade they are no more real to me than Kermit the Frog. There entire existence has been words on a screen. It creates a massive disconnect.

What happens though is this really deadens ourselves to the outside world. We lose empathy and connection. After spending a day watching funny videos of people falling down watching someone fall in the street no longer results in a response of “Oh my God, is that person hurt?” You now reach for your camera phone. Political arguments typically end with calling someone a Nazi. And in the one that I am most guilty: any news story, any confession, any expression of true human emotion is met with a snarky, cynical comment. Even when we are with real people we still treat them as a bunch of ones and zeroes.

The internet is here to stay. No one is arguing that we should turn back the clock. We just have to be aware that the tools we use impact us in more ways than we could ever imagine.