Your 2010 Holiday Viewing Guide

Due to travel and computer issues I am a few days behind in publishing my Holiday Viewing Guide. Here it is with some references to shows that may have already aired but a) are probably on YouTube and b) will most likely be shown three thousand times between now and Christmas anyway.

(Times are in central as a) I am using a Chicago Sun Times for the listing and b) I don’t feel like doing math.)

Thursday, November 25th
Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade (9 AM, NBC): I read the best description of the Macy’s Parade this year “It’s the Tony Awards if they were held outside in the rain with a lot of lip synching.” That is pretty much it given that the entire event is one large infomercial for Broadway (featuring the horrendous Spider Man musical) and brand mascots. There were no killer balloons this year, which is always a bit of a downer. That turkey float was still there, though.

Miracle on 34th Street (2 PM, NBC): A man makes a mockery of the legal system in which a number of letters from children (that aren’t even opened by the way) is taken to be enough proof of a man’s sanity. I have said it before and I will say it again; there just ain’t no such thing as a sanity clause.

A Very Monkey Christmas (7 PM, PBS): Starring Curious George and the Man in the Yellow Hat. I’m not sure if I prefer this to a show featuring monkeys in Christmas outfits. In fact, I am going to search the Animal Planet listings right now just to see if I could find such a show.

Friday, November 26th
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (Noon, Comedy Central): No one will believe me but I saw this movie for the first time this year. I already knew every line of dialogue though. This might be the high point of Juliette Lewis’s acting career. Definitely the high point of her music career.

Andrea Bocelli and David Foster – My Christmas (8:05 PM, PBS): Sigh. I wish we still had David Foster Wallace with us. I would love to see what he would write about the commercial nature of the holidays and / or tennis.

Sunday, November 28th
The Dog Who Saved Christmas Vacation (7 PM, ABC Family): Let me quote the Sun Times here “Zeus the dog falls for a poodle (voice of Paris Hilton).” Zeus the dog is apparently voiced by Mario Lopez. Or possibly Mario Lopez is playing Zeus the dog. I am compelled to try to find this and watch it just so I could see who could possibly fit the words “Paris Hilton” and “Holiday Christmas Special” in the same pitch.

Monday, November 29th
Scrooged (7 PM, AMC): This film doesn’t get nearly enough love as it deserves during the holidays. Sure, it is darker than stuff like a Christmas Story but it has the benefit of actually being quite funny. Plus, we need more Bill Murray in our lives.

Tuesday, November 30th
Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer (7 PM, CBS): The source of two of my favorite bits of entertainment of all time: Hermey the Misfit Elf and “She thinks I’m cute!!!” There is also something about a reindeer who saves Christmas because Santa was too cheap to purchase running lights for his sleigh. Seriously, the dude runs a multi national corporation and can’t devise a contingency plan for fog?

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (7 PM, ABC): One man nobly gives the arrogant people of Whoville the holiday they truly deserve thus teaching them the true meaning of Christmas. Also, much like the Grinch, I still contend that my body is three sizes too large rather than my heart being three times too small.

Wednesday, December 1st
Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas (7 PM, ABC Family): Hey, want to see Jim Carrey in a skin tight green bodysuit? Yeah, me neither.

Thursday, December 2nd
The Santa Suit (7 PM, Hallmark): Greedy exec (played by Hercules Kevin Sorbo) is transformed into St. Nick. No notes as to whether or not Xena, Warrior Princess makes an appearance as Mrs. Claus. Whatever happened to Xena anyway? She’s due for a Dancing with the Stars appearance.

Saturday, December 4th
Olive, the Other Reindeer (4 PM, Cartoon): Mentioning this one just because of my love of puns. Also, it features a cute dog and dogs just don’t get enough love in holiday specials. Mice, reindeer, the evil minions of Whoville, talking piles of snow, they all get their own shows. Lovable puppy dogs get the misfortune of being voiced by Paris Hilton.

Tuesday, December 7th
A Charlie Brown Christmas (7 PM, ABC): The only holiday special that is required viewing. In fact, if we could just show this repeatedly throughout the holidays we would all be better off. I know that I can’t consider myself unbiased here given that I have a painting of Snoopy hanging in my apartment but there is nothing that touches upon the season quite like this show: Linus’ speech, the funky dancing, Snoopy’s doghouse, and the wonders of Dolly Madison snack cakes. God, I could use a Zinger right now.

Thursday, December 9th
The Santa Incident (7 PM, Hallmark): Have to quote the Sun Times verbatim here: “Homeland Security missile shoots down the sleigh.” I’m not sure if I have anything else to add to that. When I think about Christmas Santa being taken down by surface to air missiles just doesn’t come to mind. It stars Ione Skye for those of you who are wondering what Ione Skye looks like twenty plus years after Say Anything.

Friday, December 10th
The Santa Clause (7 PM, ABC Family): Hey, want to see Tim Allen in a fat suit? Yeah, me neither.

Fred Claus (7 PM, TBS): Hey, want to see Vince Vaughn in, well, anything? Wow, no one? Not even rewatching Swingers? Guess we’ll skip this one.

A Christmas Carol (7 PM, TCM): The story of a man whose proper management techniques provides excellent returns for his shareholders and employment for numerous members of the surrounding community.

Saturday, December 11th
Frosty the Snowman (7 PM, CBS): Teaching kids to fall in love with creatures that will eventually melt and die. Show of hands, how many people end up crying when Frosty starts to melt? There are very few shows that have such a maudlin feel to them as you are promised that he will be back someday as long as you don’t remember that he is currently that puddle of water over there.

It’s a Wonderful Life (7 PM, NBC): I still haven’t watched this movie. I think that qualifies me as purely evil or something. Just wasn’t something we watched in my family. That or I never felt that banking practices were exactly riveting holiday topics.

Tuesday, December 14th
I Want a Dog for Christmas, Charlie Brown (7 PM, ABC): If you stopped reading Peanuts near the end, which wouldn’t be too surprising as Charles Schulz was kind of losing it by that point, you missed a lot of wonderful bits featuring Linus and Lucy’s younger brother: Rerun. Not only could he be philosophical (and rather dark) but one long standing plot line was his wanting a dog. I really relate to Rerun.

Saturday, December 18th
Rudolph and Frosty’s Christmas in July (11 AM, ABC Family): I don’t understand this one at all. First off, these two characters have perfectly fine specials of their own so they don’t need to do some sort of superhero team up episode. Plus, it’s December. Why the hell do I want to watch a show about July? Horrible marketing all around.

Christmas Eve
“’Twas the Night Before Christmas” (Noon, ABC Family): The most underrated Christmas special of all time. Yes, this one probably holds a special place in my heart because it features an extremely intelligent, glasses wearing mouse, who almost ruins Christmas because he is too smart for his own good. Not like that is representative of me in the least. It even has some really nice songs. Watch this over so many of the crappy holiday movies out there.

A Christmas Story (7 PM (and every two hours after), TBS): Much like Shakespeare and Elvis, A Christmas Story suffers from the fact that something can be the best and still be overrated. Yes, this was an amazing film when I first watched it and there are scenes that can still bring a smile to my face but it is so overplayed (literally being shown for 24 hours straight) that for the most part it has no meaning any more. I would like us to have a few year moratorium on this film just so it could regain its awesomeness.