Flying blind

(And I’m back from my extended laptop vacation. New laptop has been acquired, name still to be determined. You have to figure out the personality of a new machine before it can be properly named. Right now I am leaning towards Farrah.)

If it is Thanksgiving that means that it is travel time and more and more people will be crowding the airports and making my life a living hell. As someone who flies enough that he has become a frequent flier on two separate airlines this time of year is just brutal for me because my usual routines get completely screwed up by people who have no idea what they are doing. So, as a public service, here is my advice if you are going to the airport this week.

1) Print out your boarding pass at home: Saves you a few minutes, especially if you aren’t checking bags. This way if all you have are carryons you can go straight to security. Plus, depending on the airline the sooner you check in the sooner you will be able to get on the plane, which I will talk about later.

2) Be prepared for the security process: I have a routine that I go through every time I fly. Right before I step in the security line I go through everything in my pockets and place them in my backpack. I have my boarding pass and ID in hand. In my backpack in clear plastic bags are a) any liquids I am carrying (in small bottles), b) my Kindle and any laptop cords and c) my portable DVD player (which Kim got me for my birthday and has been a wonderful present). Once I get to the X ray machine shoes are off, bags are in the bin and I quickly move through. It really isn’t that difficult a process if you spend thirty seconds getting yourself prepared beforehand.

3) But what about the new fangled scanners?: Ok, I must admit that I haven’t had to deal with these yet. However, due to the fact that I have worked in places where I have required some pretty significant security clearances (strange but true) I have gone through my share of scanners in my day. I personally am not too worried about the new scanners: random person who can’t see me or my face sees a strange computer image of me where I look vaguely naked. It’s just not an issue for me though I understand how others might feel that way. The radiation doesn’t worry me either or at least no more than my worry that I will be sitting in a metal box 30,000 feet in the air being supported only by the laws of physics. As for pat downs, yeah, they can get up in your grill depending on how they do it. Still, as someone who was scheduled to be on a flight from London a few years back that was targeted I am happy to see any advanced security tactics.

4) Don’t stand on moving walkways: Seriously. This freaking kills me. You’ve been sitting in a plane for hours only to get on the walkway and stand perfectly still because you are too tired to walk while thirty people behind you run into each other. If you are perfectly fine with walking then use the walkway for what it was intended for: walking.

5) The Chic-Fil-A at the airport is closed on Sundays: Even for Thanksgiving weekend. The one time I was forced to fly out of Philly on that Sunday I discovered this horrible fact. Given that one of the few pleasures of flying out of Philly is Chic-Fil-A this was heart wrenching.

6) Understand your airlines boarding procedure: Some have assigned seats and board by zones. Some have open seating and board in numerical order. Understand that ahead of time or ask the nice person next to you how it works. I can’t stand people who don’t know the process or try to board with Zone 2 when they are Zone 8. I understand the need to game the system and lord knows I’ve done it (luckily my frequent flier status helps me here) but at least follow the rules.

7) Live by the laws of carry on baggage: You get two bags. One goes under your seat. One goes overhead. Putting your coat in the overhead bin just pisses people off. Rollerbags go in wheels first. And I hate to say this but if you are one of the last people to board odds are your bag is going to be gate checked. It’s happened to me and it will happen to you, especially if you are on one of the airlines that charges to check bags. Over the past two years you have seen a huge increase in the amount of carry on luggage because of people not wanting to check bags. That means that the bins fill up quickly and if you are not one of the people who board early it means that you can end up spending 45 minutes waiting for your carry on bag with the rest of the luggage (which happened to me at midnight a few weeks ago.) If everyone packs accordingly this is less of an issue but if you are worried about it you need to find a way to board early or just check your bags to begin with.

8) Don’t bother the guy wearing headphones: You really don’t want to hear about my day.