Are you ready for some football

It is getting to be that time of year again. Time to fire up the grills, line up the beer bongs and break out the wacky headgear because it’s time for college football. I’ve decided to do some preseason previewing this year. I will start with my review of the Notre Dame schedule.

September 5: Nevada: Notre Dame starts off the season by taking on their historic arch enemy the Nevada Wolf Pack. Because if there is anything that strikes fear in the heart of a leprechaun (other than really tall people) it is a large number of wolves. Actually, we have Bob Davie to thank for this game as he was the coach who pushed to put games on the schedule that Notre Dame would have a chance of winning. It also helps that we no longer have to promote the first game of the season as “the only chance you will have this year to see an undefeated Irish team.”

September 12: At Michigan: Interesting to see how coaching at Michigan has evolved over the years. We’ve gone from Bo (classic, grandfatherly, can’t win a big game) to Gary Moeller (stoic, reserved, can’t win a big game) to Lloyd Carr (always looked like he was about to start sobbing, can’t win a big game) to Rich Rodriguez (voted coach most likely to have a moonshine still on the practice field, can’t win any game.) I don’t care if Michigan is still in rebuilding mode. This game is one that ND has to win to have any sort of positive momentum for the year.

September 19: Michigan State: The game is at Notre Dame this year so it means that we’re going to lose. Michigan State always wins when they play in South Bend. No one knows how or why. Even in the year when Illinois went to East Lansing and beat Michigan State (which was their first Big Ten victory in like two years and was celebrated by planting the Illinois flag at midfield) Michigan State still beat Notre Dame in front of the dome. I think it is the green uniforms. They confuse Jimmy Claussen. That said, fluffy clouds often confuse Jimmy Claussen.

September 26: At Purdue: I almost went to Purdue so I don’t make nearly as much fun of it as I could. I mean, their mascot carries around a large hammer and is obviously compensating for something but I don’t see any need to go there at this time. Also, Purdue’s student newspaper is called the Exponent. How do you know that you are going to a school that is going to have a less than active social life? When the student newspaper is a math pun. Go with the Irish here.

October 3: Washington: Ooh, we get to face Ty again. Wait, he’s not coaching there anymore? Steve Sarkisian is the head coach? What the hell is a Sarkisian? Well, if Notre Dame can’t beat a team that went winless last year we really have no right to be playing football anymore. For those wondering, I always consider this to be the best time of year to see football in South Bend. You are out of the heat of the summer, you have that first refreshing breeze of fall and the town hasn’t become an ice infested hellhole just yet.

October 17: USC: I attended the last game where Notre Dame beat USC. Bob Davie was the coach. If I knew at the time how momentous an occasion it would become I probably would have celebrated with a bit more vigor. Instead I think I went home and studied for an accounting test. Trust me, there is no school I hate more than USC. Ok, maybe Northwestern and wherever Bruce Pearl is coaching but USC is up there just because of that damn song that they play after every single down. Ooh, we gained three yards. Everybody wave their arms like a moron. This is the only ranked opponent on ND’s schedule at the moment and barring an unforeseen circumstance, like USC publishing the team’s payroll on the internet, this will most likely be their first loss of the season.

October 24: Boston College: Like Michigan State, Boston College always beats Notre Dame with teams that have absolutely no talent whatsoever. I think it is due to the accents. Claussen just gets confused in much the same way as a small dog does when confronted with a mirror. (Before anyone gets on me remember that he is 23. You know what I was doing at 23? Working for a living. I sure as hell wasn’t a college junior.) Expect a large number of pink Red Sox hats in the crowd and complaints about the Clam Chowder at the Backer.

October 31: Washington State (in San Antonio): I have no idea why this game is in San Antonio. I am guessing that one of the athletic directors just really likes the Riverwalk. Or maybe we are just doing an early scouting trip for an Alamo Bowl berth. Either way, the chili will be flowing, the ten gallon hats will be waving and the…the…insert other Texas cliché here. I mean, it is Washington State. That team will only be interesting if they can get Ryan Leaf out of prison to return to the field.

November 7: Navy: I was at the Notre Dame – Navy game in Baltimore last year. Here is what I learned. 1) It is impossible to reach the Baltimore stadium (I swear I spent an hour and a half on an off ramp), 2) Being able to drink without the fear of ushers at a game makes watching Notre Dame football much more enjoyable, 3) Navy fans are extremely cool, 4) Leaving a game during a monsoon means that I will miss the only interesting part of the entire game. I’m guessing we move our winning streak against Navy up to two here.

November 14: At Pittsburgh: I just read Michael Chabon’s “The Mysteries of Pittsburgh” which features a character named Cleveland. I take that to be the first mystery. Other mysteries include “What is the meaning of the cloud factory”, “Why is the Steelers logo only on one side of the helmet” and “My god, they still let Dave Waanstadt coach a football team?” Here is a simple gambling rule of thumb that has helped me out many a time: If you see Waanstadt on the sideline, take the other side. Hell, if he ever becomes a sideline reporter I would still take the team that is standing as far away from him as possible.

November 21: Connecticut: The Joyce Center will be rocking as the Huskies come to town for an early season matchup of two basketball….wait, this is still football? Why the hell are we playing UConn? Who the hell wants to sit in South Bend in late November and watch UConn? I now understand why everyone is making fun of our schedule this year. It just looks silly.

November 28: At Stanford: And the regular season mercifully ends. Stanford is another rival because, well, they are supposedly intelligent. Mainly they are a bunch of hippie freaks who are too corporate to go to Berkley but still they are primarily intelligent. Also, their tree mascot is often drunk during the games and I fully support intoxicated mascots at all times.

My prediction? I will go with 9-3 for the Irish this year. They could legitimately be 11-1 based on the weakness of their schedule but I just see them losing two games that they should win. That will keep them out of the BCS (where they would get smoked) but should put them in a decent bowl.