“Today’s the fourth of July / Another June has gone by / And when they light up our town I just think what a waste of gunpowder and sky.” Aimee Mann
This is a strange holiday for me and not for any of the usual reasons. This isn’t going to be a post about patriotism or how any product can be sold better by incorporating a picture of Abraham Lincoln or even how somehow celebrating freedom has become equated to getting drunk and blowing stuff up. Heck, I can’t even say that I did any celebrating today. I spent all day doing laundry, cleaning my apartment and basically getting my life in order. And there is a reason why I did that over any other possibilities today.
See, as of today I am two months away from turning thirty four. That doesn’t sound like much as thirty four isn’t one of those momentous birthdays. Heck, when I was in New Orleans a few weeks ago someone asked me my age and I instinctively answered thirty four even though I knew it was wrong. I feel that old. When each haircut is met by more and more gray hairs on the floor you begin to realize that you are of a certain age. And that is why I’ve been sitting around doing some serious pondering the past few weeks.
A few people know about this but others don’t but if you searched my wallet hidden amongst my business cards and insurance cards and student ID’s for schools I haven’t attended in a decade you’ll find three note cards. Four years ago I wrote all of my goals on these cards and put them in my wallet so I would know that if I ever needed to figure out what I was meant to be doing all I would have to do is look. Some goals I’ve accomplished, others are at least planned (I’ll write my novel in November as part of National Novel Writers Month) but there is one that is just sitting there and hanging over everything. And that’s the goal to be married by the time I turn 35.
Barring a major change of events that is not going to happen. I mean, it is still possible and thanks to Vegas it probably is not an impossibility until roughly 11:53 P.M. the night before my birthday but let’s face it, the odds are not in my favor. Now part of me doesn’t want to make a big deal about this. I like being single and being able to do whatever it is that I want to do. I’m beholden to no one and live the life that I find suits me. But the thing is, recently I’ve been really longing for a life that includes a wife, a house and a dog.
(Technically, I could just buy a house and get a dog but stay with me here. Hell, thanks to mail order and eBay I could probably accomplish all three using PayPal but I’d like to do a few things the old fashioned way.)
A few years ago I was pretty adamant about not wanting the house, the wife and the dog. It’s why I live where I live. If I lived by my office it was almost as if I was admitting that I was settled into middle age and I was nowhere near that point. I still don’t think I’m at that point but recently things have been changing. I’ve slowly gotten sick of renting or at least sick of having neighbors who really enjoy testing the bass on their stereo system. The concept of a yard has gone from something that is completely frivolous to something that I think I would possibly enjoy even if it meant paying a neighbor kid to mow it. And you know, part of me is just saying that maybe it is just time to start settling down. Life can’t always consist of Voltron DVDs.
What does all of this mean? I’m really not sure. I’m not the first person to get old or the first person to wake up and wonder just what in the world is he supposed to be doing with his life. It’s just that I am so used to setting five year goals and reaching them effortlessly that the thought of missing one leaves me flummoxed. Life isn’t going entirely according to plan anymore. That’s probably normal to everyone else but to me it’s shocking especially given that I was certain that my equations were correct.
So that’s why I spent the day cleaning and organizing my apartment as opposed to going out and celebrating or doing whatever it is that people do today. Because the only way I can go forward is by making sure that I have everything together before I start. It might not make sense but it’s the way that I work. A clean apartment means that my life is together and everything will fall into place. I’m pretty sure my life is looking at some major changes soon. Growing old and changing all at the same time. It’s a recipe for brilliance or disaster but definitely a novel.
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