More Infrequently Asked Questions...

Haven’t broken out the iFAQ’s for a while. Let’s dip into the old mailbag…

Question: What’s wrong with putting ketchup on a hot dog?
Answer: Putting ketchup on a hot dog goes against all that is good and pure of this great nation of ours. It is an affront to the American way of life and is a sign of moral weakness. The downfall of Pax Americana will be inexorably linked to people who somehow feel that it is ok to put ketchup on a hot dog.

Obviously, I have very strong emotions on this subject.

Basically, it is a Chicago thing. You don’t put ketchup on a hot dog because it overpowers the entire flavor of a Vienna Beef hot dog. The palate just tastes ketchup and you could be eating sawdust for all you know. It’s a trick you use when you’re feeding little kids, they’ll eat pretty much anything if ketchup is on it. To truly experience a hot dog it must include mustard, onions, sweet relish, a pickle spear, tomatoes and potentially sport peppers. You can do some mix and matching but that is your condiment list. Placing anything else on a hot dog is akin to putting mayonnaise on French fries. It’s not having different tastes, it’s just plain wrong.

Question: What is the proper name for a combination of a horse and a zerbra?
Answer: Officially, it is a zebrula, which beat out the more obvious choices of hebra and zorse. Personally, I feel that we should make a concerted effort to rename this animal the horbra just because it will make going to the zoo a lot more fun. I’d be much more willing to go if I knew that I would get to hear little kids plead “Mommy, mommy, can we go see the horbras?” Or civic leaders making grand claims like “Kansas City has the greatest collection of horbras in the United States.” Plus, much like you have a gaggle of geese and a crash of rhinos I think a skank of horbras would be fitting, if you know what I mean.

Question: Hey, whatever happened to Tawdry Amusements at Hourly Rates? Is it ever going to be written?
Answer: Uh, yeah, I meant to be working on that. For those that don’t remember, that is the name of the collection of the best pieces from the blog that I was working on collecting, rewriting and then self-publishing. As opposed to every other writing project I have ever taken on, this one is not suffering from a case of writer’s block. It’s more like I am suffering from a writer’s flood. See, I’ve written 100,000 words in this blog this year alone and I’m pretty sure I’ve broken half a million words since I started up the blog. To try to figure out what is good in that mix and then fix it so that it at least borders on proper grammar is a lot more challenging than I originally anticipated. It’s still on my list of things to do and if I can figure out a schedule I might give it a shot still this summer.

If anything, I need to figure out how to build time in my calendar for a writing project or November will become the worst month ever for me. I promised myself that I would write my novel before I turn 35 so this is really going to be my last chance. If you see me without sleep and muttering about characters named Brian and…shoot, I don’t think I ever came up with a name for the female lead yet. That might be a problem. Oh well, I have a few months to figure it out.

Question: Based on the Chris Benoit posts, who are the people that you idolize/admire?
Answer: This should be an easy question to answer but it is surprisingly challenging, mainly because this isn’t one of those things that I tend to make into lists. Top ten sitcoms from the 80’s that involved aliens? Can answer that one in five seconds. Who are my heroes? That’s a lot tougher.

The first name that popped into my head is Henry Rollins, not as much because I agree with everything he says but more because I admire his style. He just puts himself out there in everything he does and makes it his point to give everything he has. Plus, he isn’t content to be just one thing. He’s not just a guy in a punk band, he’s also a writer and a poet and a performer. It’s his writing that gets me. It takes a lot of courage to publish your journals, especially when you pour your heart out the way he does. He’s someone I try to emulate, though admittedly without the tattoos.

There’s also the people I met in New Orleans who were volunteering for a year or more gutting houses and working towards the rebuilding of the city. That’s work that I wish I could do (or even have the courage to give up so much of my life to attempt). It’s physically tough working, tearing down moldy walls in the heat and humidity of the city. But more than anything it is mentally draining. Every day you go and rip apart a person’s dreams and take everything they own and toss it into the street. It’s not done out of malice and it is done with care and concern but it is still rough. But, it is the only way for that city to come back to what it once was and I applaud anyone working towards that cause.

On the science side I’d have to say that one of my heroes is the late John Bardeen, to my knowledge the only person to ever win two Nobel Prizes in the same field. He was involved in the invention of the transistor and the supercomputer and he just happened to also be an Illini. He might be one of the most important people of the twentieth century and he is pretty much unknown except for us science geeks out there. But can you imagine life without the transistor? It powers everything, it might be the most important invention since the wheel. And after Bardeen (along with Schokley and the third guy whose name I always forget) finished with that project he designed the supercomputer for an encore. That’s what I call making your impact on society.

That’s it off of the top of my head. Oh, and “Nature Boy” Ric Flair. Look, anyone who can look into a camera and say “If you want to be the best you’ve got to beat the best” will always rank high in my book.

Have a fun weekend everyone.