To whoever posted the comment last night, thanks for the note. First of all, it’s nice to know that I gained a new reader along the way. Second, it looks like I will be getting restarted on my novel relatively soon. (It’s still going to be called Until We Say Goodbye and it will still have a preponderance of scenes take place in and around bars). But the most interesting thing is that the comment convinces me of something that I always expected, which is that you can really tell when I am interested in what I am writing about versus when I’m just trying to fill up a page by discussing how Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie have patched up their differences.
And to that I can only say, good for them. Because those two just have to be BFFs, otherwise life just wouldn’t be fair. I mean, how can I expect to have true friends when even Paris and Nicole are feuding? They are what we look to as pinnacles of friendship, if you consider the prerequisite of friendship to be annoying, talentless, brain-dead spoiled brats with a skeletal structure that you can see through their skin.
On that, while flipping through channels recently I came across a VH-1 special on the 20 skinniest celebs and I at least want to thank VH-1 for saying that these people are too skinny. Seriously, some of these pictures were frightening. The worst one was of Anna Kounikova at a recent tennis match where she looked more like Nicole Ritchie than anything. It’s not that there was fat on her, there wasn’t even muscle. She just looked horrible. I thought the heroin chic looked died out a few years ago. Please Hollywood, let the girls eat a sandwich every once in a while.
Anyway, since I’ve got my high school reunion coming up I have been in a shopping frenzy and tonight was no exception. See, I have to make myself appear stylish and hip and not at all like a guy who rotates between a Notre Dame football t-shirt and a Duke basketball t-shirt as his daily wardrobe. When it’s your first impression on people in five years you might as well make it a good one.
For that, I have decided to fall back upon one of only two accurate pieces of advice that anyone has ever given me regarding women. Plenty of people have tried to teach me the secrets of the female mind and precisely what you must do to win over a woman’s heart and except for these two ideas they have all been laughably wrong and inadequate. The first truism is: women, much like dogs and bees, can smell fear. That’s not a saying, that’s an empirical proof. The second truism is what I focused on tonight, a woman will base ninety percent of her value of you as a human being entirely on what shoes you were wearing when you first met her.
(If anyone can explain to me why this is the case I’d love to know. I just know that it’s true.)
This meant making my way to the mall where I was stunned to find that Spencer’s Gifts is still in business. Maybe not that surprised, there will always be a need for blacklight posters, lava lamps and posters that teenage boys will flip through and then not be able to move for a good five minutes afterwards. Anyway, I ended up at one of my favorite places, which is Johnston and Murphy. These guys have the best customer service imaginable. Not only did I get new shoes, the salesman actually polished the pair I was wearing when I walked into the store. Add this to the rest of my new wardrobe and I’ll be looking like a stylish and happening guy. Now all I have to do is figure out how to explain why I am a stylish and happening guy out in the middle of Kansas. I’m thinking witness protection program…
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