Election preview

Well, we’re two weeks away from the election and that means that the campaign commercials are in full swing. This goes double for me as I can stumble out of my apartment and find myself in a different state. (For the record, I mean Kansas. Technically, I stumble out of my apartment and find myself in a different state fairly often but in those instances they are states of denial, confusion and intoxication.) Anyway, here is my analysis of the local campaigns.

The big election on the Missouri side is for senator and this one actually has national implications. A win here could go a long way in deciding who controls the senate. So one might be interested in what is the main focus on the campaign? Is it a referendum on Iraq or the economy or the Bush administration or the fact that while I am impressed to know that our congressmen know how to instant message their behavior just doesn’t mesh with middle American values? Of course not, this is Missouri. Based on all of the ads that I’ve seen the main issue is the auditing of nursing homes. I wasn’t aware that this was a pressing issue to the welfare of our state. And to be honest, it’s tough to make a good attack ad when your main focus is on the elderly. It’s not like you can say, “If you elect Claire the elderly will be allowed to run wild in the streets, reaking chaos by driving very slowly in the left lane with their blinker on.”

(I miss the ads of two years ago where the focus was on whether or not to build a casino in Branson. I’m so sad that didn’t pass because it was pretty much the only way to make Branson interesting (as well as making it one step closer to being a really convenient Vegas for me). I mean, if you are being forced to watch Yakov Smirnoff shouldn’t you be allowed to gamble? Hell, Yakov should be forced to work the roulette tables. We’ll call it Russian Roulette and it would make a killing.)

(Yes, puns my friend. The lowest form of comedy.)

On the Kansas side the main issue, and I am not making this up, is a referendum to build new youth soccer fields in Johnson County. You want to talk about a sheltered life, this is what the people I work with are most concerned about. Of course, the support ads feature little kids saying “Vote yes for soccer”, utilizing the tactic of “Vote yes or you’ll make a six year old cry and what are you, a heartless bastard like the Grinch? You should be ashamed of yourself.” They also had kids out on the street corners today after work, waving signs and making me wonder how fun it must be to force a twelve year old to stand outside in forty degree weather and inhale exhaust fumes.

Personally, I really want to make ads against the soccer fields. You know something like this. “They’d like you to think that soccer is good for our children but think again. In soccer, the individual matters less than the team and no one can use their hands and work to the full extent of their abilities. And you know what that is called? Communism. Plus, you know who plays soccer? The French. So vote yes for soccer if you want your kid to grow up to be a beret wearing commie.” Hey, it would make the evening news a lot more interesting.

(Side note: At this time of year I always witness a bizarre natural phenomenon in my neighborhood. Seemingly thousands of black birds (possibly crows in that they are a) black and b) go “caw”) perch on every available space on my block for a week. I look out from my window and all I see are thousands of these things staring back at me. It’s just like in that Hitchcock film. You know, the one with the blonde. Rear Window.)