Growing up is hard to do...

I’ve often mentioned that there are topics that I never discuss on the blog. The two biggest ones are a) my job and b) my relationships. I avoid the first one because it has been made clear to me in no uncertain terms that I can be fired for writing about my life in a cubicle and at the present moment I really need the paycheck. The reason I don’t talk about specific relationships (either existing, hopeful, or pipe dreams that the girl isn’t even aware of) is mainly because I figure that I’ll jinx it by discussing it. And that I do believe that some things in life should be private. But, I’ve decided recently to implement a statute of limitations of three years at which point whatever may or may not have happened can be discussed at my discretion. At this point, anything that happened in 2003 is trivia and quite possibly corrupted by faulty memory.

The reason I’m bringing this up is because I’ve spent the past two days listening to John Mayer’s “Any Given Thursday”. It’s the only John Mayer CD that I own and, to be honest, I could live a full and complete life without owning any John Mayer discs. It’s not that I don’t like his music, he has a good sound and for a guy whose live disc is filled with a crowd of screaming teenage girls he is remarkably honest about his music. He wants to be a serious artist but can’t with his crowd so he’ll just have fun with it. Still, the reason I own this disc has absolutely nothing to do with John Mayer.

See, back a little over three and a half years ago (wow, that long) I had a…well, I don’t like to call it a crush. That makes it sound like I’m twelve. Let’s just say that I was rather smitten with someone and was trying desperately to figure out how to get her to go out with me. Hell, I even brought in consultants to determine the best strategy to accomplish this task. Seriously, I put more effort into this than I did in getting a job. One of the ideas was this: she likes John Mayer and recon had revealed that she didn’t have his live album so I’ll buy it, she’ll come over to my apartment, see the disc, and we can discuss his music and everything from that point will be cake.

So to sum up, I bought a two disc live album from an artist I didn’t particularly like, to impress a girl who I had a challenge talking to without making a complete fool out of myself, on the off-hand chance that I could somehow convince her to come over to my apartment and discuss music. For someone who preaches logic over everything I can be blind to the obvious more often than I like.

In the end I don’t think I ever talked about John Mayer with her. We did end up going out once, though I may or may not have been dating someone else at the time (like I said, the memory of those few weeks is really fuzzy. Damn bar golf.) But in reality it was just one of those missed opportunities that happen dozen of times in life and you just write it off to experience. Until, in my case, a random number generator tells you to listen to John Mayer.

But what really gets is me is how, no matter how much of an adult I feel that I am, everything about relationships feel like high school all over again. I had this conversation at the bar on Friday when we were talking about bad dates. I joked about going miniature golfing and feeling like I was sixteen and she said, “But that’s why you do it. It’s fun and stupid.” Which I agree with, but it still just adds to the fact that no matter what I do asking a girl out always makes me feel like a teenager. “Does she like me?” “Does she ‘like me’ like me?” “Can I call her?” “How long can I wait until I call her back?” I swear, at times I’ve just wanted to pass a note that said “Do you want to go out with me? Check yes or no?”

(I doubt that teenagers today pass notes around. Now, they probably just text message each other in class or put up a poll on their MySpace page. Or say things like, “She put me in her top 8. She must really like me.” Maybe things were better before technology.)

Guess what I’m trying to say is that I wish I could just be honest with someone and say, “Look, I like you a lot and I’m pretty sure you like me. Why don’t we go out and see what happens. Worse case is we have a few laughs and a couple of good meals. Beats watching bad television sitcoms.” But I have a feeling that being that blunt is just a recipe for disaster. So instead I have to invoke the Tao and play games and buy CDs for no apparent reason. Sixteen years later and I’m still making mix tapes in hope that they will one day work. Maybe I’ll try honesty just to see what might happen.

Penguin dreams and stranger things...

So I turn on How I Met Your Mother and what do I see? Another very large penguin staring back at me. I swear, it’s like everywhere I turn all I see are penguins. This is going to be a really tough one to explain to the therapist. “So EC, how was your week?” “Pretty good except for the fact that I am being stalked by abnormally large flightless waterfowl.” “So how does that make you feel?” Sigh.

Have a couple more thoughts and ideas that came to me over the weekend to share. I would like to say that there is a coherent theme to all of this but if you can find one please let me know.

Topic #1: For a while now I have been looking for what would be considered the ultimate in a bad cheap date. You know, something that goes beyond taking the girl to the Sizzler in terms of tackiness. I finally found it: taking a girl out to eat at the food court of a Target. I swear I saw two people eating there (which is amazing in its own right) and it honestly looked like it was a date. But to be honest, it is slightly higher quality than going to Wal-Mart. But still, wow.

Topic #2: I love the day after the time change because you have to deal with the fact that the entire country (with the exception of Arizona) is simultaneously dealing with jet lag. I do want to congratulate the state of Indiana for joining the 20th century and deciding to change their clocks this year. It was fun that at work today the clock on my desk phone was wrong for most of the day. Sadly, they fixed it before it said 5 and I could take off early and say “But the official company time said it was ok for me to go.” That said, how tough is it to make the clocks read the right time? It’s not like the time change snuck up on everybody.

Topic #3: There’s been an interesting twist to the senate race in Virginia. Apparently they are attacking the democratic candidate for statements that can be considered anti-women. These are statements that are contained in novels that he has written regarding Vietnam. So, we are now holding words that someone has written in a piece of fiction for dramatic effect against them. I don’t know if everyone know this, but fiction means that it isn’t true. See, J.K. Rowling really doesn’t know people who fly on broomsticks and speak in long expository speeches that would greatly benefit from an editor. Just that entire line of reasoning astounds me, that the only candidate you should vote for is one whose only creative endeavor can be depictions of rainbows and unicorns. It’s like people believe that the country should be one giant Thomas Kinkade painting. Personally, I’d much prefer a Jackson Pollack.

Topic #4: Best thing on television over the weekend was Alejandro Escovedo on Austin City Limits. If you caught it, you saw some of the best music imaginable. Take a standard rock band, add in two cellists and a violinist, and give them some of the most heartfelt lyrics that you can find. Really, really good performance and I can see this one being on the shortlist to be released as a DVD. This weekend will be cool as well with a set by Sufjan Stevens. He’s in a class by himself, mainly because I know of no one else who would even attempt to write an entire album based on the state of Illinois.

Time to lay off the absinthe

Some weekend highlights…

Highlight #1: So much to my surprise, I ended up at the bar on Friday night. I know, I know, how unusual. I fully expected to be discussing Wittgenstein at the institute but instead found myself at the end of the bar once again. But sometimes you just need to sit at the end of the bar and experience life. And quite possibly one of the funniest conversations that I’ve ever been in.

See, people pretty quickly realize that I’m the type of guy you can just talk to and not really worry about anything. Or at least this girl did as within two minutes of her sitting next to me she was discussing how she had just ended a date in which she had fallen asleep while watching Saw III. Much to the chagrin of her date, I must say. So, this had us discussing (with the staff as she also is one of the regulars) what were the worst moments of our dating careers. Mine was calling a girl by her roommates’ name at the end of the night, which probably isn’t my worst but it’s the one I’ll readily admit to. Yeah, even though I have no problem with embarrassing myself there are some stories that you don’t get to hear unless you are paying me.

With that as our first topic, it was fun to see where we would go from there. This was a discussion of Halloween costumes and my complete non-interest in costumes. Or at least my saying that I didn’t know what to dress as. My Waldo idea wasn’t well-received but she thought I could go as a math professor, which to be honest isn’t much of a stretch. She had the idea because a) I do give off that vibe and b) her brother was actually using that as his costume and was planning on using all sort of lame lines at the party. This meant that for the first time in the fifteen years since I thought them up I was able to break out the math pick-up lines. I’ve waited a very long time to just have a chance to use the “Hey, want to see my twelve inch slide rule?” line in conversation and have it actually be acceptable. I knew that brainstorming session at the math contest would come in handy someday.

(That would be the only thing that ever came out of a math contest that was useful for me in my later life. Well, that and the knowledge that being the coolest guy at a math contest isn’t something to be proud of.)

Anyway, it was a really fun bar conversation at the end of which I looked out the window and saw a rather large penguin staring back at me. Just standing on the street corner, looking back at me and waving. This makes me really wonder if any of this ever took place, especially given that every store I was in today also seemed to have penguins scattered around the place. For all I know I spent two hours talking to the cash register again. However, if anyone runs into someone dressed as the Morton Salt girl this week, tell her I said hi.

Highlight #2: Best costume of the weekend was the girl dressed as Rainbow Brite. It’s a surprisingly attractive look. Well, that and the guys with the signs that said “Being married to a divorced woman is committing adultery” and “The party ends in hell.” Sadly, I don’t think they were costumes. But any party that ends in hell has to be one kick-ass party.

Highlight #3: In football news, the Beavers upset the Trojans this weekend and…and…and if I comment on this I’m just going to end up on yet another HR list. I feel confident that you can come up with your own punch line.

The five random CDs of the week:
1) Liz Phair “Exile in Guyville”
2) Josh Ritter “Hello Starling”
3) Neko Case “Canadian Amp”
4) John Mayer “Any Given Thursday”
5) Big Head Todd and the Monsters “Beautiful World”

The darker side of Elmo

Woke up this morning and saw that it was going to be another gray, drab rainy day. Just like it’s been for the past week. Then I drove to work while listening to a Nick Drake CD. How I did end up lying curled up in a ball under my desk due to uncontrollable existential melancholy is beyond me. Instead, I did what I do every morning. Get to my computer, half asleep in frog pajamas, and check my emails and the news headlines. And I was greeted with this one.

“Elmo used to smuggle meth”

In my groggy state I couldn’t figure out if this meant that a) someone used an Elmo doll to hide drugs (which is just slightly better than using your AT-AT), b) back before Elmo made his way to Sesame Street he spent some time working as a drug mule or c) Elmo is very accustomed to the drug trade and is rather blasé about his involvement in it. To be honest, I’m still not sure. This does make headline of the week, barely beating out “Keg explodes at party, killing one”, which immediately made me think that this is just another reason why I should switch to scotch.

(Yes, I know I shouldn’t make jokes about fatalities and I’ll probably go to hell for it. To be honest, it’s just getting added to the list of reasons. At a minimum, I’ll be dealing with some more negative karma.)

Today was weird news story day apparently. We also had the “By being fat, Americans are wasting gasoline.” That statement is true, in that if you weigh more you will be using more gas but there is a bit of a scale issue. They used the comparison of if you weighed 100 pounds more and I don’t think that most people have “lose 100 pounds” as one of their 43 goals. What’s more, if this is such a big issue why don’t we just tell people to clean out their cars. Get rid of the golf clubs in the trunk, remove the McDonald’s bags, and throw the fuzzy dice out the window. Actually, keep the fuzzy dice. There’s no point in having a car if you can’t be cool at the same time.

Don’t really have much to say. Not much going on this weekend outside of the usual bar hopping and music. Since it is a weekend close to Halloween I can anticipate seeing the people in costume while drinking. Well, besides the Batman cast, who decided that Halloween would be better served to be in August this year. For those wondering, I don’t throw on a costume to go to a bar. It just seems like such a sad thing to do. I can understand if you were at a party but it’s a bar. Unless it is an event all you are doing is making a fool out of yourself before you’ve even started drinking. Sure, the entire point of drinking is to make a fool out of yourself but it is the process that matters. A night next to the taps is much like Buddhism, the journey is much more important than the destination.

MTV Memories

Ok, it’s late and I’m really short of ideas right now so I’m going to do something a little different. It’ll kind of be like Forgotten Television Shows except none of these shows had enough history to warrant a full page on their own. Instead, let’s look back on MTV series that I watched while in college. (Thanks to Wikipedia for refreshing my memory on this one).

Dead at 21: The story of a guy with a computer chip implanted in his brain that will kill him when he turns 21. Obviously this connected with me in college as I a) was nearing that age and b) had a professor who was working on implanting computer chips in people’s heads. (Not kidding there, he would discuss it in class). I honestly think the only thing I remember about the show was that the actor’s name was Jack Noseworthy and the guy had a rather large nose. What are the odds of that?

The Head: One of many great cartoons, this one featuring a guy with an incredibly large head which contains an alien who would drive him around (with controls and everything). This was during MTV’s time period where they were trying to come up with a lot of cult, original programming and this show actually made it to a second season (though that one kind of sucked). Mainly remembered for the side character who had an entire goldfish bowl in his mouth, which is a fact that I remember more than anything I learned in Advanced Calculus.

The ½ Hour Comedy Hour: Also known as “What you watch in your dorm room until it’s time to go to dinner”. This is back in the early nineties when seemingly every channel would dedicate time to stand up comedy routines that involved someone you’ve never seen before standing in front of a fake brick wall. Those unknowns ended up being Drew Carey, Ray Romano and every other successful sitcom star of the late 90’s. This should also get credit as being one of the launching points of Paulie Shore’s career. Okay, maybe credit isn’t the right term here.

(Oh, and technically once Fox put Tiny Toons, Animaniacs and Batman: The Animated Series that became required pre-dinner entertainment. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a dozen guys discussing the physics of Batman along with “Who is hotter: Catwoman or Poison Ivy?”)

Sandblast: Ok, even I completely forgot about this one. Honestly, this was the precursor to all of the Real World/Road Rules challenges. It was a game show featuring college students where they competed mainly by jumping off of trampolines and springboards and flying around. Oh, and there was two on two beach football. Doesn’t sound exciting but when you only have basic cable any excuse to see good looking women in swimsuits playing football works. I also remember an event where the contestants were a human field goal, launching themselves over goal posts. Look, I’m not saying it was high quality television or anything.

Election preview

Well, we’re two weeks away from the election and that means that the campaign commercials are in full swing. This goes double for me as I can stumble out of my apartment and find myself in a different state. (For the record, I mean Kansas. Technically, I stumble out of my apartment and find myself in a different state fairly often but in those instances they are states of denial, confusion and intoxication.) Anyway, here is my analysis of the local campaigns.

The big election on the Missouri side is for senator and this one actually has national implications. A win here could go a long way in deciding who controls the senate. So one might be interested in what is the main focus on the campaign? Is it a referendum on Iraq or the economy or the Bush administration or the fact that while I am impressed to know that our congressmen know how to instant message their behavior just doesn’t mesh with middle American values? Of course not, this is Missouri. Based on all of the ads that I’ve seen the main issue is the auditing of nursing homes. I wasn’t aware that this was a pressing issue to the welfare of our state. And to be honest, it’s tough to make a good attack ad when your main focus is on the elderly. It’s not like you can say, “If you elect Claire the elderly will be allowed to run wild in the streets, reaking chaos by driving very slowly in the left lane with their blinker on.”

(I miss the ads of two years ago where the focus was on whether or not to build a casino in Branson. I’m so sad that didn’t pass because it was pretty much the only way to make Branson interesting (as well as making it one step closer to being a really convenient Vegas for me). I mean, if you are being forced to watch Yakov Smirnoff shouldn’t you be allowed to gamble? Hell, Yakov should be forced to work the roulette tables. We’ll call it Russian Roulette and it would make a killing.)

(Yes, puns my friend. The lowest form of comedy.)

On the Kansas side the main issue, and I am not making this up, is a referendum to build new youth soccer fields in Johnson County. You want to talk about a sheltered life, this is what the people I work with are most concerned about. Of course, the support ads feature little kids saying “Vote yes for soccer”, utilizing the tactic of “Vote yes or you’ll make a six year old cry and what are you, a heartless bastard like the Grinch? You should be ashamed of yourself.” They also had kids out on the street corners today after work, waving signs and making me wonder how fun it must be to force a twelve year old to stand outside in forty degree weather and inhale exhaust fumes.

Personally, I really want to make ads against the soccer fields. You know something like this. “They’d like you to think that soccer is good for our children but think again. In soccer, the individual matters less than the team and no one can use their hands and work to the full extent of their abilities. And you know what that is called? Communism. Plus, you know who plays soccer? The French. So vote yes for soccer if you want your kid to grow up to be a beret wearing commie.” Hey, it would make the evening news a lot more interesting.

(Side note: At this time of year I always witness a bizarre natural phenomenon in my neighborhood. Seemingly thousands of black birds (possibly crows in that they are a) black and b) go “caw”) perch on every available space on my block for a week. I look out from my window and all I see are thousands of these things staring back at me. It’s just like in that Hitchcock film. You know, the one with the blonde. Rear Window.)

Forgotten genius...

Topic # 1: I completely forgot to discuss all of the things that I did for Sweetest Day last Saturday. (What? You forgot that Saturday was Sweetest Day? More specifically, your significant other forgot Sweetest Day? You have my complete blessing to make their lives a living hell.) So what did I do? The usual, you know, bitch and moan about my life and buy used copies of Cure CDs. Still, when Sweetest Day can be considered an official holiday my hope of increasing the recognition of National High Five Day doesn’t seem to be misplaced. I’m not kidding when I say that in high school Sweetest Day was treated like the biggest event of the fall. I’m still not sure if Hallmark invented it to sell more greeting cards or that they just take great pleasure in knowing that they can make a sixteen year old boy feel like the biggest loser on the planet for not having a girlfriend.

Topic # 2: One of the recurring topics of Battling the Current has been the decline and fall and death of the music industry to the point where I believe that I’ve spent posts counting the metaphorical maggots on the corpse of music row. But every once in a while I see something that gives me hope that maybe things aren’t as bleak as they appear. Like the headline on CNN today stating that Weird Al Yankovic has a top ten CD. How incredible is that, the guy gets a huge hit with a song called “White and Nerdy.” Look, even without hearing it I can guarantee that it is better than Justin Timberlake.

At some point someone (most likely me) will need to write a piece on Weird Al’s place in music history. The guy hits the Top 10 over 20 years after releasing Eat It and over 25 years since he broke on the scene with I Love Rocky Road. Do you know how few people can have a 25 year recording career? It’s a list of Dylan and Simon and Springsteen and that’s about it. Weird Al is now at the point where he has outlasted nearly every artist that he has parodied. You can’t really call him a one-hit wonder or a novelty act because they don’t last as long as he has. He may be the biggest genius in the smallest niche imaginable. And even more impressive is that he has somehow remained on top of every musical trend and stayed relevant in the mainstream. From Michael Jackson to Nirvana to Crash Test Dummies to Chamillionaire. I’m telling you, we might as well start reserving space in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame for him.

(And don’t tell me it would ruin the sanctity of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. First of all, it’s in Cleveland. Second, it’s a sham to begin with as the inductees are friends of Rolling Stone so if it’s going to be a travesty let’s make it the best one possible.)

Topic # 3: Remember how I kept on mentioning last Spring how I was certain that a camera crew was following me and using my life as a basis for the show How I Met Your Mother? And how none of you believed me? Well, I watched my tape of last week’s episode and they showed Barney’s apartment and guess what he had in the living room of his place? A life sized stormtrooper costume. I am now officially freaked out.

I have to hand it to the show tonight for allowing Doogie Howser to hook up with Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman. It’s television nostalgia synergy at its finest, plus it allowed for a full discussion of the cougar concept on national television. I also think I know how Robin and Ted will break up but I won’t spoil it for you. Just watch the show (and buy the first season DVD when it comes out in November). Because I really want to see how my life turns out.

Time Has Told Me...

Another bunch of random thoughts in search of a theme…

1) I can’t believe that I forgot to include on my list of 43 things the following: Owning a pet monkey complete with costumes. First of all, this will allow me to test the notion that everything is funnier when it involves a monkey. Plus, you know you’ve made it when you have your own monkey. As I’ve said before, as a single guy if I get a cat it means that I’ve given up on life but if I get a monkey it means that I am now living life solely for my own enjoyment.

2) Speaking of costumes, I’ve been running through some ideas of what to wear for Halloween, if for some reason I had a need to don a costume for an event. Not likely, but still, you need to be prepared for all eventualities. I’ve decided to go with a backpack, red and white striped shirt and red and white stocking cap and be a real life Waldo. It’s retro, it’s cool, and I just think that the laughs that I could have sitting at a bar in that get-up would be off the hook.

3) People wonder how I know the answers to all of these trivia questions. It’s not that I have a lot of things memorized, it’s more like I can make connections between rather unrelated events. Example: on Friday the question was in what year did Queen Elizabeth II take the throne. My thought process: “Well, the Sex Pistols played “God Saved the Queen” on that barge on the Thames during the 25th anniversary and that had to be either 77 or 78. Probably 78 so I’ll go with 1953 as the date she took the throne.” Which was correct. (And Amy my teammate also guessed that answer and I promised that I would mention her insight on the blog.)

4) I’ve been having very odd bar experiences when it comes to the background music. On Friday night they were playing a CD I actually own (a Paste sampler disc from earlier this year). Last night I was at an Elliot Smith memorial show and the music played in between sets was the equivalent to just grabbing my CD collection and hitting shuffle. Seriously, in a span of about an hour they played Jeff Buckley, Rufus Wainwright, Paul Burch, Cat Power and Sufjan Stevens. To be honest, it made me wonder whether I was at a bar of if somehow my apartment had in fact magically transformed itself into a place with beer taps. Which would be super cool.

5) Speaking of weird events, this happened a week or so ago. Was walking down the street in my neighborhood and saw across the way the mascot for the Kansas City Chiefs standing on the street corner. (By the way, the mascot is a wolf and if someone can explain to me what a wolf has to do with the Chiefs I’d be really grateful. And can explain why Slugerr (the Royals mascot) has his eyes in the crown that he wears on his head.) Anyway, while seeing this I wasn’t sure if KC Wolf was there because a) he was promoting a store, b) I was hallucinating after another late night or c) someone in my neighborhood thought it would be really cool to dress up in a mascot costume and wave at traffic. The odds are pretty even between those three.

6) Amazing Race update: the one team that I liked (Peter and Sarah) were eliminated tonight. At least Sarah realized that Peter is a horrible match for her and she could get someone much better (yes, that’s me waving my arms and yelling “Over here” right now). They were a fun team, if just because Peter made Sarah (who has an artificial leg) do every difficult task. Like climb up the side of buildings or scale cliff walls, she’d do them while Peter would lie on the ground and relax. I think he took a nap during one of them. I’m amazed she didn’t punch him out during the race.

The five random CDs for the week:
1) Nick Drake “Way To Blue”
2) Big Head Todd and the Monsters “Live Monsters”
3) Ryan Adams and the Cardinals “Cold Roses”
4) Wayne Toups and Zydecajun “Back to the Bayou”
5) Rufus Wainwright “Want Two”

43 Things...

Ok, I’m hoping that this post makes up for a week of really sub-par entries. That wasn’t my goal, it’s just that my life was surprisingly uneventful this week. Here we go…

A few weeks ago I heard about this website called 43things.com. Like every other page on the web, it’s a social networking site but the idea behind this one is that you list 43 things that you want to accomplish and they connect you to people with the same goal. It’s a little neater than saying, “Hey we like the same band, let’s be friends.” I haven’t joined the site yet, mainly because they are owned by Amazon.com and hence I have a horrible feeling that this is just a really complicated way to sell more self-help books. But, I love the idea and have spent the past few days sketching out my list. Here it is, all that I want to accomplish in my life, more or less in order.

1) Learn how to juggle
2) Watch the sunset from a beach in Australia
3) Write a novel
4) Run a 5K in a time that is less than my age
5) Open and close a bar (incredibly I haven’t done this yet)
6) Have Technorati rank this blog as one of the top 200,000 on the interweb (currently I rank 600,000 and change)
7) Follow a band on tour for at least a week
8) Learn how to play guitar and be able to play a) Damien Rice’s “Delicate”, b) Uncle Tupelo’s “Still Be Around” and c) Ryan Adams’ “Monday Night”
9) Participate in an open mike poetry slam
10) With the woman of my dreams, recreate step for step the path taken in Paris by Julie Delpy and Ethan Hawke in the film Before Sunset
11) Appear on a game show
12) Attend either the opening or closing ceremonies of an Olympic games
13) In one day, watch all of the Star Wars films back to back to back to back to back to back
14) Read every Shakespeare play
15) Learn how to dance (in any way, shape or form)
16) Singlehandedly complete one of those massive 5,000 piece jigsaw puzzles
17) Weigh less than 190 pounds, marking the first time in years that I will not be technically considered overweight
18) Get a bachelor’s degree in English for no reason other than I think it would be cool
19) Meet either Jay Farrar or Jeff Tweedy and thank them for providing me with a soundtrack for the past decade of my life
20) Own a tuxedo
21) Become very actively involved in one of my three major causes/charities. For the record, they are autism research, health care for musicians and Katrina rebuilding efforts.
22) Learn how to make a killer pot of gumbo
23) Read Finnegan’s Wake, thus completing my path through all of Joyce’s major works
24) Get my car washed (not a major goal, more like something that just really, really needs to be done)
25) 30 concerts, 30 different bands, 30 days
26) Travel to the Boxing Hall of Fame to see the plaque honoring my great-great uncle Jack Root, the first light heavyweight champion of the world
27) Go to Vegas and on a random Tuesday in the summer, walk into the sports book and bet every baseball game on the board and spend the rest of the day sitting back and watching the games
28) Make an attempt to grow a goatee, if just to prove to myself that it is impossible for me to grow one
29) Stand on the field at Notre Dame Stadium
30) Get married, preferably to the woman of my dreams mentioned in #10 but barring that the cocktail waitress met in #27 will suffice
31) See the Northern Lights
32) Buy a house
33) Find a job that inspires me every day and where I leave every night knowing that I have made the world a better place
34) Order up a round of drinks for an entire bar
35) Break 100 in a round of golf
36) Make one serious attempt at a world record
37) Come up with my own catchphrase
38) Travel to Prague and be in the one place on the planet where people will actually be able to correctly pronounce my last name
39) Attend either a) the Final Four, b) the Super Bowl or c) Wrestlemania. Probably the latter, if only because I’ll be able to get better seats
40) Hike a portion of the Appalachian Trail
41) Be allowed to pour my own beer at a bar
42) Go on a walkabout, traveling until I find my purpose and then returning
43) Write a list of 43 goals

Hey look, I’ve got one done already! Sure, some of these are basic but I still think that it is a good list. And thoughts?

Flotsam and jetsam

Just some comments on a random night where we should have won at trivia (if only I could have remembered the theme to What’s Happening. Rog is going to be so pissed at me now.)

1) In the “You Learn Something New Every Day” category: I found out that I should have been watching Rock Star: Supernova this summer. This was the show where Tommy Lee and friends formed a supergroup (or at least sat around on a couch and called themselves a supergroup) and held a reality show to find a lead singer. INXS did it last year and I completely ignored it and felt no reason why this year would be any different. Well, I found out today that one of the contestants this time was Patrice Pike, this great singer out of Austin who I’ve seen and own some of her CDs. She finished middle of the pack but was told by Tommy Lee that she should really attempt a solo career. Which is odd, because she already had a solo career! Maybe she wasn’t selling out arenas but she was a decently known independent artist. Also, should you be taking career advice from the third most talented member of Motley Crue?

2) In what makes no sense at all, my fantasy football team is still in the playoff chase at 4-2. This with a team of Shaun Alexander (out with a broken foot), Larry Fitzgerald (out with a pulled hamstring) and Trent Green (recovered to the point where he can nearly speak in complete sentences). Seriously, I have more depth at kicker than I do at running back and I choose my receivers based on who has at least three functioning limbs. Despite all of this, I still have a chance in the league. There are years where you have great teams and lose, this is the time when I have a horrible team and win.

3) I’ve decided that on all future job applications that when they ask for any knowledge of foreign languages that I’m going to list Klingon. Maybe it will come out in the interview, maybe it won’t, but at least that way I can show that I’m a well rounded individual. Plus, it’s not like they are going to be able to call me out on it. It’s a win-win.

4) Ok, I’ve got to chime in on the whole Madonna situation. This seems like a publicity stunt gone horribly wrong. First of all, I love how adopting a child from a third world country in the in thing to do. At one point it was owning a pot-bellied pig, then it was having a Chihuahua, now the must have accessory for celebs is a kid from a country that you can’t find on a map. Put it this way, your average celebrity is the equivalent of that girl you knew in college who one year drank Icehouse and the next year drank Red Dog and the next year drank Goldschlager because it was the cool drink that year. Second, Madonna was somehow able to adopt an orphan whose dad still lived in the village. Technically, that means that he isn’t really an orphan. So, instead of a) helping out the dad to raise the kid or b) helping the village, she just takes the kid. Seriously, doesn’t this seem like the most disturbing thing in the world when you think about it? It’s like she walked into a refugee camp and went, “Ooh that one’s cute. I’ll take that one. How much do I owe you?”

5) Dude, does anyone else remember Red Dog beer? I swear half the girls I knew in college drank it one year. It wasn’t good beer, it wasn’t light beer, it wasn’t even cheap beer. It just had a new label on it and people drank it. It was all presentation and no meaning, which is exactly why I find myself working in marketing.

A different musical act

I almost feel like apologizing for the last post. I think I spent a page babbling on about nothing other than to a) say that I went to a concert and b) tell a Renee story that I’ve told a dozen times already and that doesn’t interest anyone other than me and my therapist. This is what happens when I go out and expect something interesting to happen. If I take that mindset I can guarantee a boring night but if I just try to have a quiet night I can be sure that I will run into the cast of Batman and have my stalker leaving presents at my doorstep.

Still, there was something on my mind last night that I feel like I should talk about. It is a pretty serious question: Am I a poseur when it comes to music?

This started with something I read in one of the many Chuck Klosterman books that are littering my apartment right now. This guy lives the life I dream of. All he does is sit around, watch tv, drink, listen to music, smoke various substances, and write about pop culture. It’s just like how I write my blog except a) he’s actually talented and b) he gets paid for it. Anyway, one of the things Chuck is known for is that he might be the only music critic who is a fan of 80’s metal. But he even admits that he could probably pull off acting like he was a fan of alt-rock growing up. And that makes me wonder just how much of my unpaid music criticism really is an act.

I do make claims to be a punk rock kid that are at least a little spurious. Sure, I own London Calling but I’d be ashamed as a human being if I didn’t. But most of my other interests in the music come from other people. I had friends who were into Social Distortion and I knew of them through osmosis. I was a devout watcher of 120 Minutes and learned of a bunch of bands through that. Heck I have no problem discussing Black Flag and Ian Mackaye and Minor Threat and the whole straight edge lifestyle (which I could totally get behind if it wasn’t for that whole “No drinking, no drugs, treat your body perfectly” thing). But if someone called me out on it I don’t think that I could argue with them. I don’t wear the uniform, I can’t discuss the works of the Ramones in detail, and no matter how much I live the “do what you want to do and don’t give a damn about what anyone thinks of you” I’ll probably always be considered an alt-rock kid.

Except that one really isn’t true either. Or at least part of it, anyway. See, I don’t actually own any Smiths or Cure CDs. True, I had a friend in high school who dressed up like Robert Smith all the time as a fashion statement that must have made sense at the time but that didn’t make me a fan. But I think that most people assume that I was completely into that scene. Either that or they assume that I go home and listen to classical music all night. (I’m not kidding, I’ve had people actually ask me about it.)

So what is true about my taste in music? I feel that I can definitely state that I am a firm supporter of the alternative country movement (whatever that is) to the point that the highlight of my day was discovering that they are releasing Neko Case’s performance on Austin City Limits on DVD.. I’ll always believe that a person with a guitar singing what matters to them can make the world seem like a better place. And I’ll always let my interest in music take me to places where I might not usually find myself. Places where I sometimes need to take advantage of the “one quarter fiction” definition of my existence. Is that being a poseur? Maybe. But if life is a stage then you might as well put on a show.

Still, sorry for the last post. I have a really good idea for a post later this week so I’ll make it up to you. But have a happy Straight Edge day.

Not the usual show

It’s usually a challenge to try to explain my music fandom to people. It’s mainly because people either a) don’t know me very well and don’t understand music or b) know me well and do understand music. Let me explain. Let’s say I tell someone that I’m going to the Motley Crue/Aerosmith show later this week. The person who doesn’t know me well will go “Oh yeah, you go to a lot of shows” while anyone who knows me will go “What are you insane?” Likewise, if I said I spent tonight seeing Ani Difranco the non-music fan will go “Who?” while the music fan will go “What are you insane?”

Yep, tonight was the night of my annual Ani Difranco concert. And for the record, I’m not going to the Motley Crue/Aerosmith double bill, even though it would be really easy to make fun of the crowd.

I at least have some explanation as to how I continually find myself at Ani shows. Or at least it’s a collection of bad ideas, which is probably more likely. Here is my story and I’m sticking to it. A few years back I went out with a girl who was a big Ani fan. She made me listen to the CDs and they are good. Didn’t change my life but I’ve heard worse. Events happened, we broke up, she stated very explicitly that she never wanted to talk to me again but somehow we remained friends. So I decide to go see Ani in an attempt to impress her. No matter how many times I tell this story, it still doesn’t make sense.

Well, that was three years ago and I’ve seen Ani twice since then. Now I go because it is a very impressive show and always a surprisingly good time. I can appreciate the musicianship, it’s nice to be around people who have the same political views as mine, and the crowd isn’t something I see every day. I’ll be honest, I look very out of place at the show, what with the Y chromosome an all. When you are surrounded by people who are anti-establishment and you pretty much embody the establishment things can get a little testy. But no one has ever bothered me and I’m nice enough to not stand in front of people who are a foot shorter than me. Plus, it gives me a great opportunity to trend watch (it looks like the girl with dreadlocks look is finally going out of style.)

Anyway, tonight was a nice little show. Ani is six months pregnant (which even though I knew that going in is still a bit disconcerting when you actually see it) and that kept her from bouncing around the stage like she usually does. She is still very intense on stage, whereas a lot of other singers close their eyes or stare up at the ceiling when they sing she looks straight out at the audience and doesn’t blink. Her music is less verse chorus verse and more spoken word poetry set to an unconventional guitar track, which given that I find lyrics and emotion to be the most important pieces of music makes for a good experience. She does have this tendency to change guitars after every song. I’ve yet to figure out if this is because a) every song is in a different key and she needs to change guitars constantly or b) she’s never figured out how to tune a guitar.

All in all, it was just a good night. I’ve gone to something like one hundred concerts over the past three years and while Ani’s shows have never been the best that I’ve seen they’ve never been one of the worst. They’ve always been really good shows that when I tell people that I went to the show causes the best reactions. Sometimes that is all you could hope for on a Monday night. I mean, it’s not like the Bears were going to come back after being down twenty points.

(Wait a minute, you mean they did come back?)

(And won without scoring a touchdown on offense?)

(And I missed this?)

(Sigh)

Not the Story I Expected

Sometimes the best laid plans just don’t come to fruition. See, last week I was really proud of myself because I knew that for at least three days this week, my blog topic had already been determined and today was one of those days. I was all set to write about my high school reunion from last night, figuring that I would have a load of stories to tell from the night. Slight problem though, no one showed up for it.

Well, that is not entirely true, it’s just that we were in the single digits and that doesn’t make for an exceptionally fun time. It was still cool and I got to tour my old school (which had been undergoing some major renovations) but there was sadly very little in the way of drama. It was almost the definition of a non-event. So, my hopes of spending a page discussing how I feel old and how everyone else is successful and all of my usual whining will have to be postponed for a little bit.

It’s not like the trip was a waste of time, either. Got to spend some more time with my family and I always enjoy that. Having moved away from the homestead just makes me appreciate the times when I go home all that much more. Plus, I got to watch my niece play soccer and she did rather well in goal. Had a goal kick that was probably better than what I could do, anyway. Her team lost and that wasn’t much of a surprise as they were outmanned and the other team had a girl who has apparently been trained since birth to be the next Mia Hamm. Seriously, she had on an Under Armour shirt, which shows a great degree of dedication and brand awareness for someone playing youth soccer.

Otherwise, I spent more times on planes and in airports, which meant that I was able to catch up on some of my reading. I know I’ve mentioned him a couple of times but you really should be reading Mike Gayle. Sure, it’s British and references pubs instead of bars but it might be the closest thing to my novel that you could possibly get. I finished “Brand New Friend”, which is about whether a guy and a girl could be great friends without romance getting in the way (along with how in the hell does a thirty year old guy make new friends when he moves to a new city). I don’t think it has been printed in the States yet (I grabbed it while I was in Heathrow) but it had two moments that made me smile as they both relate to music that I’ve included on my mix CDs.

First, he has two characters bond over The Sundays “Reading, Writing and Arithmetic”. That’s just cool on general principle and it’s realistic to boot. It’s one of those albums that I use to test someone’s relative awesomeness. The other exchange I’m going to paraphrase here

“Who’s this guy we’re seeing tonight?” asked Jo, looking at the empty stage in front of her.
“Josh Rouse”
“So what does he sound like?”
Rob shrugged. He hated putting labels on music but he knew he’d have to for Jo or she’d stand there perplexed for the next few hours. “It’s sort of an alt-country – grown-up pop sort of thing.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” said Jo. “What’s alt-country?”
“Alt-country is…” He didn’t finish the sentence. Instead he laughed and said, “Trust me, you’ll like him.”

I have that conversation all the time. I’m just pleased to know that professional writers can’t define alt-country either.

The five random CDs of the week (of which one is alt-country and another one might be. Hence, the difficulty of definitions)
1) Jeff Buckley “Mystery White Boy”
2) Bettie Serveert “Dust Bunnies”
3) Beth Orton “Comfort of Strangers”
4) Uncle Tupelo “Still Feel Gone”
5) R.E.M. “Up”

Amanda Peet occassionaly can act

I’m kind of light on ideas right now and I’m in one of those weird moods to boot. You know, the type of mood where I end up writing something in the hope that it sounds dark and mysterious but in reality is just a bunch of petulant whining from a guy who is leading a blessed life except he just hasn’t realized it yet. And I’m not in the mood to write that piece tonight either. Instead, I’ll write a quick review and analysis of Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.

Basically, this is the one new show that I have begun to watch regularly. It hasn’t hit How I Met Your Mother status yet, which is good because I don’t need to be involved in any more internet discussion groups on whether or not two fictional characters should remain a couple (though for the record, I fall in the Robin should end up with Barney camp). It’s a behind the scenes look at SNL essentially done in the West Wing format. This might not sound like the most interesting thing in the world but they do some parts of the show remarkably well.

First of all, Matthew Perry is doing a great job in making me forget that a) he’s Chandler and b) I hate Matthew Perry. He’s now gone from the annoying guy on Friends to a really solid actor. Plus, his character is a writer and they’ve gotten a lot of the writing parts correct. I like how they explain that he didn’t learn to write for television so he can’t work with a team of writers. And, they have given him the Death Clock, maybe the best background prop ever. It is a clock in his office that counts down the time until the next episode. For a writer, that is the most intimidating thing in the world, to know that you have limited time to be funny. My favorite scene so far is when the show starts, Matthew finally breathes a sigh of relief, only to see that the clock has already started the countdown to next week’s show. That’s why I have a huge amount of respect for the guys who write those shows or things like The Daily Show, to be consistently funny on a daily or weekly basis is incredibly hard. If I’ve learned anything from the blog, it’s that writing comedy consistently is incredibly hard.

One weird part of the show is the skits that they show (as part of the show within a show) are incredibly unfunny. As in worse than anything that I would write. Now part of that doesn’t make sense since they have one of the guys from The Kids in the Hall consulting so they should be able to write funny. But I think they are intentionally doing this so that the comedy doesn’t take away from the plot. It’s kind of like Sports Night where they would talk about sports but you would notice that the events they were talking about and the plot never lined up (most notably, a discussion of the Duke-Carolina game over Thanksgiving.) Though I will have to say the Juliette Lewis impersonation was spot on and you have to wonder what actress thought that having a Juliette Lewis impression would be useful for her repertoire.

Finally, there was one scene from the pilot that has really stuck with me. Matthew Perry was continually explaining that his girlfriend dumped him because he didn’t watch her sing the national anthem at a baseball game. When the girl finally called him out on this he admitted that it was completely untrue. I like this scene because that is exactly what I do and I think it is something that all guys do. We know why relationships fail, hell I can usually point to the exact moment where things screwed up. But none of us want to admit the truth so we come up with brilliant stories to cover ourselves. As someone who admits that 25% of everything that I say is false it’s scenes like this that really make me want to keep tuning in.

For the 500th time...

What’s on my mind as my ears are ringing something fierce…

1) Recently I’ve been thinking that since I’ve got a free Southwest flight to use up that maybe I should make my way over to Vegas. This always sounds like a good idea until I go to the Harrah’s casino here in town and I am reminded why I can’t stand casinos. Maybe the Venetian has a slightly different clientele than a North Kansas City casino on a Wednesday night but man, talk about the third tier of society. Now I’ll admit that is a pretty classist statement but I feel completely out of place there and this is from a guy who attends monster truck races.

2) The reason I was out there was because Soul Asylum was playing and well, it was very nearly a private performance. The lack of a crowd was really, really depressing but the show itself was very good. Some notes… A) It’s really nice to know that over the past decade Dave Pirner still hasn’t figured out how to play the opening solo to Somebody to Shove, B) Dan Murphy kept it real by bitching about the Twins and C) Dave having short hair is really, really disconcerting. The guy should be required to keep the dreadlocks going until he is in his mid-fifties or turns into the next George Clinton, one of the two.

3) One other reason why I hate the casino. Not only am I charged four bucks for a bottle of Miller Lite but I have to wait while the bartender mixes a cocktail by doing Durbin level tricks of throwing the bottles behind his back, spinning them on his head and all of those other moments of flair that might momentarily impress the girl at the bar but mainly make me psychotic because I have to wait for his act to end just so I can have a freaking beer. I swear, one of these days I’m just going to reach over and pour the beer myself.

4) (Oh, and if anyone is interested in a Vegas weekend let me know. Otherwise, I’m taking suggestions on how to use up my free flight. Austin is in the lead at the present moment.)

5) I saw the absolute best personalized license plate this evening. It simply said USETH4S. Dude, I am so getting that plate. Since it was on a Virginia plate I might have a chance. Heck, I don’t care if I have to set up a legal residence in Wyoming I am going to have that on my car. Sure, it will pretty much guarantee that I will never have a girlfriend (well, that and the “My other car is a Millennium Falcon” bumper sticker doesn’t help) but still, how sweet is that?

6) Tonight marks a big milestone here at Battling the Current. This is my 500th post to the blog meaning that we are halfway to the millennium. First of all, to everyone who reads this regularly or irregularly you all have my deepest gratitude. Seriously, you don’t know how much fun it is to check my email and see that there is a new comment. It’s really why I keep on writing. As always, the free CD samplers are still available for anyone who wants a taste of the music that I mention on the site, along with even more ramblings about music and my life. I’ll have something new to offer for the two year anniversary next month as well.

7) For those wondering, if you’ve been reading this from the beginning (or were very diligent and went through all of the archives) you have read roughly 330,000 words or the equivalent of five novels. Admittedly, five novels that contain equal parts of philosophy, drunken bar stories and in depth analysis of Lindsay Lohan’s love life. Still, if any of you have actually read every post (and to be honest I don’t know if I have and I’ve written them all) I commend you. And I owe you a lot more than a CD.

The simple life shall return...

To whoever posted the comment last night, thanks for the note. First of all, it’s nice to know that I gained a new reader along the way. Second, it looks like I will be getting restarted on my novel relatively soon. (It’s still going to be called Until We Say Goodbye and it will still have a preponderance of scenes take place in and around bars). But the most interesting thing is that the comment convinces me of something that I always expected, which is that you can really tell when I am interested in what I am writing about versus when I’m just trying to fill up a page by discussing how Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie have patched up their differences.

And to that I can only say, good for them. Because those two just have to be BFFs, otherwise life just wouldn’t be fair. I mean, how can I expect to have true friends when even Paris and Nicole are feuding? They are what we look to as pinnacles of friendship, if you consider the prerequisite of friendship to be annoying, talentless, brain-dead spoiled brats with a skeletal structure that you can see through their skin.

On that, while flipping through channels recently I came across a VH-1 special on the 20 skinniest celebs and I at least want to thank VH-1 for saying that these people are too skinny. Seriously, some of these pictures were frightening. The worst one was of Anna Kounikova at a recent tennis match where she looked more like Nicole Ritchie than anything. It’s not that there was fat on her, there wasn’t even muscle. She just looked horrible. I thought the heroin chic looked died out a few years ago. Please Hollywood, let the girls eat a sandwich every once in a while.

Anyway, since I’ve got my high school reunion coming up I have been in a shopping frenzy and tonight was no exception. See, I have to make myself appear stylish and hip and not at all like a guy who rotates between a Notre Dame football t-shirt and a Duke basketball t-shirt as his daily wardrobe. When it’s your first impression on people in five years you might as well make it a good one.

For that, I have decided to fall back upon one of only two accurate pieces of advice that anyone has ever given me regarding women. Plenty of people have tried to teach me the secrets of the female mind and precisely what you must do to win over a woman’s heart and except for these two ideas they have all been laughably wrong and inadequate. The first truism is: women, much like dogs and bees, can smell fear. That’s not a saying, that’s an empirical proof. The second truism is what I focused on tonight, a woman will base ninety percent of her value of you as a human being entirely on what shoes you were wearing when you first met her.

(If anyone can explain to me why this is the case I’d love to know. I just know that it’s true.)

This meant making my way to the mall where I was stunned to find that Spencer’s Gifts is still in business. Maybe not that surprised, there will always be a need for blacklight posters, lava lamps and posters that teenage boys will flip through and then not be able to move for a good five minutes afterwards. Anyway, I ended up at one of my favorite places, which is Johnston and Murphy. These guys have the best customer service imaginable. Not only did I get new shoes, the salesman actually polished the pair I was wearing when I walked into the store. Add this to the rest of my new wardrobe and I’ll be looking like a stylish and happening guy. Now all I have to do is figure out how to explain why I am a stylish and happening guy out in the middle of Kansas. I’m thinking witness protection program…

Forgotten Television Shows: Volume Eleven

Haven’t done one of these for a very long time…

Forgotten Television Shows: Press Your Luck

I am fully convinced that the longest summer of your life occurs when you are eleven years old. Think about it, do you have a care in the world when you are eleven? Now, I know that this might sound like a beginning voice over from The Wonder Years where I will start talking about how all I wanted to do was make out with Winnie Cooper but then again, didn’t we all? But I swear that in retrospect those weeks seemed to last longer than entire years.

You just don’t have any concerns as an eleven year old kid in the summer. No job but you’ve got a bike so you can ride around the neighborhood but you’re still too young to get into any real trouble. You’ve reached the point where girls are now interesting but you’re not at that point where talking to a girl fills you with such anxiety and dread that you nearly double over due to fear and nausea (a feeling that goes away in your mid-thirties. Or so I hope). I think every day consisted of either a) working on my jump shot or b) playing with the Commodore 64 (probably the latter). Plus, it is that age where you start feeling devious and figure that if you angle your bedroom lamp just right that you can stay up late without your parents knowing. And if you keep the television volume low you could watch Carson and Letterman.

(This must seem like the most naïve thing in the world now. I remember thinking that I might get in trouble for watching Benny Hill late at night. The average eleven year old now probably has a broadband connection and is watching streaming video of midget porn every night.)

But if there is one thing that you do every day when you are eleven it is lie around the house and watch morning game shows. That was just what you did every day, got up and watched The Price is Right and The 25,000 Dollar Pyramid and Win, Lose or Draw and Press Your Luck. Especially Press Your Luck, quite possibly the only form of entertainment ever made for eleven year olds to enjoy and their mothers to absolutely despise.

It was hosted by the incomparable Peter Tomarkin, who seemed to graduate from that game show host school in which the requirements were that a) no one knew who the hell you were, b) you seemed like a nice guy who couldn’t make it past the third act at the Laugh Factory and c) you had really nice teeth. The show started with trivia questions. Very easy trivia questions. Insanely easy questions that were written only so that everyone at home could feel smarter than the contestants. Of course, none of the questions mattered because all that mattered was the big board.

Quite possibly the best game show gimmick ever, the big board consisted of a bunch of tv monitors showing cash, prizes and the dreaded whammies. As the boards randomly lit up you hit your buzzer and wherever it stopped that is what you got. Again, this is completely up an eleven year olds alley, just hit something, make a lot of noise and see what happens. And as a kid all you did was cheer for the whammies.

Because when you hit a whammy you got a little cartoon guy doing a victory spiel and spewing the worst jokes imaginable for taking away all the prizes. These things were literally as low tech as you could possibly be. I think they were being animated while the show was being broadcast but as a kid I thought that they were the coolest thing ever. And they were until the greatest moment in the history of game shows.

See, they had always said that the pattern of the Big Board was random. That of course was a lie and even an eleven year old EC knew that it was a lie. That’s because I watched the show so religiously that I noticed that there was a definite pattern to the way the board lit up and if you timed it just right you could never lose. And I was not alone in that discovery. One day you tuned in to see this guy, kind of fat, going gray, doesn’t seem to have much of anything going for him, start to play and always hitting Big Bucks plus a spin. He hit that every single time he played. It took two episodes for him to complete the game and when he did he had won over 100,000 dollars. It’s quite possibly the only time I watched an urban legend being born.

So I would like to salute the creators of Press Your Luck for making my childhood more enjoyable. For those thirty minutes every day all I had to do was sit back and watch people jump around and yell “No whammies, no whammies, stop!” You had cartoons and flashing lights and people losing thousands of dollars in an instant. It was an eleven year old kids dream. Well, at least until he learns about midget porn…

Another lost weekend...

It’s a bad sign when on Sunday I need to use a numbered list to organize all of my thoughts. It means that I’m already discombobulated and the week hasn’t even started yet. Though any reason to write “discombobulated” is a good one…

1) For clarification from last Thursday, Grant Hill and Christian Laettner are who touched the ball in the last 2.1 seconds of the 1992 East Regional Final. Brian Davis and Christian were who touched the ball in the last 1.2 seconds of the 1990 East Regional Final (technically, Christian to Brian to Christian who double clutches and fires a shot over two Uconn players to win the game). And yes, I don’t even have to look at my encyclopedia of Duke basketball to be certain of these events, which is both impressive and kind of depressing. I also knew that the two of them had been doing real estate deals in Durham, I just didn’t think that they were so successful that they could put together a bid for an NBA team. Just tells me that I should really get into real estate.

2) So yesterday afternoon they had a bar crawl for cancer in Westport. I didn’t participate because a) it’s tough for me to find nine other people willing to dedicate an entire afternoon to drinking and b) those nine would definitely not be able to keep the two pitcher a person pace required and that would mean I would need to drink five pitchers just to complete the challenge. And that, while an awful lot of fun, isn’t particularly healthy. What’s weird is that since this is held in my neighborhood I got to watch the teams stumbling from bar to bar while hitting the treadmill. There is something innately funny about watching debauchery while you are impersonating a hamster.

3) Though that did mean that last night the bars were slightly less crowded though with a few people who had way too much to drink. I did realize why I don’t go into Kelly’s much anymore, as within two minutes of walking into the place I was shoulderblocked by a guy. Seriously, he hit me like I was a wide receiver going over the middle. Personally, I don’t feel that my going for a beer should result in immediate pain. Pain the next morning, definitely, but not before I drink.

4) To the ND fans (especially Rosemary, who would probably know this off the top of her head), was this week’s game the quickest home game in recent history? It clocked in in under three and a half hours and that counts the Vonage Countdown to Kickoff report. I’ve never seen one of their games go that fast. I just remember standing in the stands during inevitable television timeouts knowing that my legs were going numb because we had to let the world know that they should watch Friends on Thursday. Otherwise it was a pretty straightforward game and we should be starting our slow climb up the polls, if only because the teams ahead of us now have to play real schedules.

5) This was another one of those organization centric weekends. It happens when I spend a day doing laundry and decide to move my closets from summer to winter. Heck, I even organized my dresser, or more accurately I organized my t-shirt collection. Yeah, I basically have an entire dresser filled with t-shirts, the same as I did fifteen years ago. Well, it’s not the same shirts. (Ok, one of the shirts is the same, but it’s a lucky shirt. Oh, and there is one that is sixteen years old but it was a gift from Meg. Is it wrong that my wardrobe has a more interesting history than I do?) Still, this was also a way to figure out what was lacking in my wardrobe and what needs to be updated so expect some shopping stories in the coming weeks.

The five random CDs of the week…
1) The Freddy Jones Band “Waiting for the Night”
2) Beth Orton “Pass in Time”
3) Damien Rice “B-Sides”
4) Freedy Johnston “Blues Days Black Nights”
5) Joan Osborne “Relish” (In the words of Darth Vader “Noooooooooo!” If you see me in the office this week in a horrible mood you will know what disc I was playing that morning. Seriously, when I build my time machine the first thing I’m doing is going back in time to kick my own ass for buying this crap.)

Sports and biz...

Looking back, it seems that I spent last night defending mass media and bad music because it makes it easier for me to have a conversation with a girl at the bar. Not a good conversation, as I don’t think that one can have a dialogue about Hootie and the Blowfish other than “Dear god, weren’t they awful. Was everyone high in 1995?”, but a conversation nonetheless. I think I can hear them tearing up my music critic license as we speak.

There was a news story from a few days ago that as a Duke fan I really need to write about. Brian Davis and Christian Laettner (also known as “the two guys who touched the ball in the last 1.2 seconds of the 1990 East Regional final”) have put in a bid to purchase the Memphis Grizzlies. First of all, can we all agree that the Memphis Grizzlies is the worst name for a sports team this side of the Utah Jazz. It just seems wrong writing the name down. Second, how much was Laettner making in the NBA to be able to afford to purchase a franchise? He must not have spent a dime in the past fourteen years. Either that or you can become a billionaire by being a very tall white guy with good hair. (Actually, that is pretty much the requirement to be a CEO). Finally, it’s nice to know that Christian is using this as an opportunity to get back into the NBA. It’s a Duke way of solving the problem, “Can’t make the team anymore? Just buy them out.”

(That may have been the part of the story that bothered me the most: that Christian wasn’t in the NBA last year. I didn’t know about that at all and given that if you make me list the top 10 moments of my life he is hitting a shot in three of them that is really sad. Like his retirement should have resulted in a national day of mourning or something. I mean, if he’s retired then I am now officially very, very old.)

Oh, and I’d talk about the start of hockey season here but the NHL, much like the revolution, will not be televised. That and I think that the Blackhawks aren’t even fielding a team this year. Not like it would make much of a difference, unless we can coax Denis Savard out of retirement we don’t stand a chance.

Seriously, it’s one thing that I live in a world where it is easier for me to watch televised poker than hockey. It’s the fact that it is easier for me to watch rodeo on tv than hockey that bothers me. Hell, the fact that I watch rodeo at all is frightening. First off, any sport that features clowns as an integral part of the event has serious issues. And these aren’t fun, happy clowns either. These are Jack Daniels swigging, Shakes the Clown loving, clowns. Then, there is the fact that the sport basically consists of “Well, let’s see if the bull maims this guy or not.” It’s not a sport where you win or lose, it’s one where you try not to die. And finally, when your main prize is a belt buckle it’s time to start playing Scrabble. Which is also televised on ESPN. Maybe I have a chance to make SportsCenter after all.

Swimming up the mainstream

I’ll continue on the question of popularity in music. One of the strange things about the blog is that I get a germ of an idea and then spend thirty minutes thinking and writing about it, which isn’t nearly enough time to get any cohesive thoughts together. I’ve got more than a few points that I’d like to make here so this may go in a lot of different directions.

The first part I want to talk about is this big idea being discussed about reaching the Long Tail of content. For those people who don’t spend their entire life listening to marketing pitches (which is sadly much of my day), this is the belief that things like MySpace, iTunes, and Amazon have created a limitless online inventory in which consumers will buy a ton of obscure content. So whereas in the old model (way back in the 80’s) we had a couple of massive albums that people bought at Musicland in the mall now we have fans listening to varied music that exactly matches their interests.

Now, as a music fan I am all for this. I live on Pandora and it has been great in introducing me to new music. And thanks to the wonders of the interweb I’ve had CDs shipped to me from New Zealand, which is the ultimate in the long tail. But historically, companies that focus on making me happy go out of business very quickly. I am the epitome of a niche market. This is why I think the end of the huge bands can be a bad thing for the music industry. I will always buy CDs but what about my friends who have a CD collection that can fit on a small shelf? They will only buy music that they’ve heard a lot and have been convinced is popular. And I think that the death of MTV and radio and collective cultural experience means that these people will stop buying music. And I reckon that there are a lot more of them than there are of me.

Of course, that is an argument about how many zeros can we add to the balance sheets of the record labels, who admittedly are on the list of who will be against the wall when the revolution comes. The question is whether this makes music better and does it make a musician’s life better. I’m still not sure as to an easy answer as to why people make music. There is the simple answer that they do it because music is in their soul. There is Chuck Klosterman’s statement that the first answer is complete bullshit and that people make music to be popular and adored and get chicks. If anything, I’ll take Jack Ingam’s line that when you first start writing songs and playing it’s for you and you alone. You do it because you have to do it. Then someone gives you a gig and you get free beer and it changes. I’m more in Jack’s camp but even I admit that while one of the reasons I write is because I need the creative outlet and feel a need to share myself with the world, I also know that I got started writing in high school because I discovered that it gave me a weird degree of popularity. (And I still think that at some point a girl will fall for me when I tell her that I’m a writer.)

I would say that on the whole that I’m happy with the new model of music out in the open. It’s much easier to find good music and that should result in more artists who in the old world could not hold onto a record deal now can survive on sales and a devout (if small) base. I’d still be happier in a world where artists always get paid for people listening to their songs but at least with iTunes we’re getting closer to that point. And there is a sense that without having a label dictating everything artists should be making better art. There is no way in hell a label would have released Sufjan Stevens’ “Illinois” before. Not too many albums outside of death metal features songs about John Wayne Gacy. But this was easily one of the best albums of 2005.

I guess I just miss MTV producing bands that everyone knows about, whether they were good or not. It’s the fact that there just aren’t those universal musical touchstones anymore; bands that you know a mention of will elicit a response because if you’ve turned on MTV at any point in the past month you’ve seen the video. Sure, Hootie and the Blowfish and the Spice Girls sucked but you could mention those bands and be sure that the other person would nod. One of the questions that I dread in a bar is when someone asks me what my favorite band is. This should be the best question for me. Theoretically, if I’m talking to a girl and get the topic to music I should be home free. Instead I find myself stammering because I am searching for a band or artist that the other person would know. So I know that I can’t discuss Neko Case so I mention Aimee Mann and Beth Orton. As I get a blank stare in return I keep on moving up the mainstream until I’m talking about Coldplay and a) I am not that big of a fan and b) they’re not hugely popular either. I end up talking about U2 and at some point have to mention that I am now into a decade of protesting the band because Bono cost me a date. At which point the girl starts looking for someone more stable to talk to.

I think that is why I miss MTV. There are times when you just need a band that can sellout a football stadium. It’s not the best reason in the world but it’s a reason.

The death of popularity

Here is a good description of the current status of my life. While at work yesterday I took a mental break and checked the upcoming concert schedule and discovered that Carbon Leaf was playing in Lawrence that night. This meant that I needed to completely rearrange my schedule and head out there to see the band. While at the show I was rather impressed by this fact: I live the type of life where on a moment’s notice I’ll drive an hour to see a band that always impresses me by the fact that they don’t totally suck. It’s nice to know that I am at the point in my life where I do whatever the hell I feel like.

Carbon Leaf put on another really good show (it’s the fourth time I’ve seen them). You have to like a band whose latest album is titled “Love, Loss, Hope, Repeat” (I’m currently in the Hope portion of that neverending cycle). But what really struck me while watching them was that I have no idea why these guys aren’t huge right now. They right really good songs, have a college band vibe and tour relentlessly. They are following the Dave Matthews Band formula perfectly, up to and including being from Virginia. And I really think the lack of a real MTV has a lot to due with it.

I’ve been reading a lot recently on how the future of the music industry is to move away from labels and the big mass distribution and on to smaller systems. That we are in an iTunes and Pandora and MySpace world. (It’s this whole Long Tail argument, which entails about ninety percent of what I do for a living). My feeling is that while that allows a lot of bands to get noticed, no one really gets popular. Carbon Leaf was one of the first bands I saw that pimped their MySpace page but despite all of that, they were playing to a half empty bar.

Compare that to Dave Matthews, who was probably on the tail end of the MTV playing videos. Their second album got them video airplay and within a year they were one of the biggest bands in the county. Same with Hootie and the Blowfish. Ok, maybe that is not the best example but I can’t see a band getting that big in a MySpace world. And I’m not sure if that is a good thing or not. More bands will be able to make a living but less of them will be able to make a good one.

One other music note. In the past month, Nina Gordon and Louise Post have both released new albums with Louise releasing it under the Veruca Salt name (which is where you know these two from). Amazingly, since the girls broke up the band they have each released two albums, always within a month of each other. It’s like they never really broke up the band in the first place. I’ve heard mixed reviews on both and I’m not sure if I’ll pick them up but there was one fact that stunned me. Louise Post, who I had a huge crush back in the Seether days, is like 39 years old. That just seems ancient to me and it shouldn’t given I am not far from that age myself. It’s just that when I was watching them in college I assumed they were my age. Like I would walk into class one morning and sit down next to Louise. Ok, probably not my Introduction to Electromagnetic Fields course but probably that intro to psychology course they forced me to take so I could graduate.

I’ll say this, I am really hoping that YouTube’s business idea of placing every video ever played on MTV comes to fruition. Because right now, I would be overjoyed to spend the next hour watching old Veruca Salt, Liz Phair and Urge Overkill videos. Ah, back when the Chicago scene was happening.

Like Oz, but different...

Yes, Kansas City, where even our trees are square. Seriously, if anyone can explain the logic behind the above image please let me know. All I know is that I drive past it every day and I’m beginning to think that this town is undertaking some sort of bizarre genetic engineering experiment to banish anything round.

One note from the Bears game last night (two, really). First, it is amazing to hear “Bear Down, Chicago Bears” being sung by the entire stadium during the game. It is the official fight song of the Chicago Bears, though it is fifty years old and kind of dumb. I’m not sure if you can fire up a team with lines like, “We’ll never forget the way you thrilled the nation with your T formation” and “You’re the pride and joy of Illinois.” That said, given that the White Sox rode to victory last year on the strains of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin” pretty much anything is possible.

(Yeah, and I’ve gained a lot more free time this October with the Sox missing the playoffs. I’m not sure that I can call a team that wins ninety games underachieving but man I was so hoping for a playoff berth. Guess I’ll probably be cheering the Twins from now on. Still, it’s a good season as long as the Cubs suck.)

(Oh and the other Bears-Seahawks note, my starting the Seahawks defense was a very bad decision and that amazes me. For the past couple of years the Bears had an offense that would score once every other game. Last night it was like the Chargers squads from the early eighties. My fantasy game (and quite possibly my season) rests on tonight’s game. Not good knowing that I need the Packers defense to show up.)

This news story hit the wires last week and obviously I need to comment on it. It appears official that Lindsay Lohan has broken up with Harry Morton. Clearly, my sympathy is with Lindsay on this matter but in reality I see this as my big chance. I mean, Lindsay needs to get away from the paparazzi for a while and what better place to lay low than Kansas City? It’s not like she’s going to be swamped by photographers out here. I don’t know about you but I view that as a perfect plan.

Lounging in the lounge

A couple of random ideas to talk about after another weekend spent in airports…

1) There is nothing like a Chicago airport the day after a Notre Dame home game. It seems like every other person you see is wearing a Notre Dame t-shirt or hat. Seriously, I think about half my plane has attended the game. What is more impressive is that the airport is a two hour drive from the stadium, which just shows how intense the fans are (and how tough it is to actually fly into South Bend). Also, it just gives a sense of how everyone travels from all around the country to attend the game.

2) It’s been a bad couple of months for American sports. We got killed in the Ryder Cup and the World Cup. Our Men’s and Women’s basketball teams can’t beat the countries that we taught basketball to. Heck, we can’t even do well in Davis Cup tennis. But, there is one sport where the U.S. has finally regained its dominance. I’d like to send out congratulations to Phil Pfister for becoming the first American in over twenty years to win the World’s Strongest Man competition. Yes, the reign of terror of large men named Magnus is finally over. You’ve got to respect the winner of the World’s Strongest Man. First of all, he could probably tear your arms off. But more importantly, he is very important to know in case you need to move a telephone pole or lift very large rocks and place them on platforms or pull a truck using only a rope.

3) When I was in Chicago over the weekend they were having tryouts to be on Deal or No Deal. What qualifications do you need to show to be a contestant on that show? That you can jump around and act excited? That you have no concept of probability? That you wouldn’t spend the entire time trying to convince Howie Mandel to put the rubber glove over his head again?

4) Though you can now get a Deal or No Deal home game. I’m not kidding, it’s at stores now. You could literally build the game with an excel spreadsheet. It’s like the toy you get kids you hate.

5) You’ve got to hand it to my Illini for beating Michigan State, thus winning their first Big Ten road game in recent memory. Even better, we planted our flag on the turf at Spartan Stadium, causing the Michigan State players to defend their fifty yard line with more dedication than they did their end zone the entire game. It’s not like I am impressed by Illinois football. It’s been horrible with moments of brilliance since I was a student. But it’s nice to know that we can defeat a Division One team every once in a while.

The five random CDs for the week:
1) Anders Osborne “Live at Tipitina’s”
2) David Ford “I Sincerely Apologize for All of the Trouble I’ve Caused”
3) Jack Johnson “In Between Dreams”
4) 10,000 Maniacs “MTV Unplugged”
5) Terrance Simien “There’s Room for Us All”