(Today’s completely unnecessary Julie Delpy picture is in honor of the new film Broken Flowers in which she stars (or at least appears) with Bill Murray. In it Bill Murray plays a man who gets incredibly depressed after breaking up with Julie. Finally, a movie that I can relate to. Anyway, it’s getting great reviews, Bill Murray is a genius and Julie is in it. Just go and see the film, ok?)
Well, checking my email I found I was spammed with another list of helpful hints for my single life. Here they are, with my comments.
Top ten ways to simplify singles lives in order to reduce stress and free up more time for dating.
1) Turn your cell phone off. It’s amazing how much you can get done when your phone is not ringing.
Please don’t turn your cell phone off. Use it constantly. Text message random numbers. Call your home phone and leave it next to the television all day so you can listen to your tv over the phone. Please, I’m begging you, keep using your cell phone.
Also, how is my social life supposed to improve if I’m not talking to anybody? Do women now go for the hermit lifestyle? Somehow I’ve never been able to turn my anti-social tendencies into the formula for romance. Maybe I’m just missing something here. I don’t even think turning off your phone will save time. It will just piss off people.
2) Don’t make your bed unless you have guests coming over.
I don’t think that I could ever convince my mom with this logic. I’ve tried. The “don’t worry, no one will see it” line just doesn’t carry weight. Plus, I wrestle with this in a philosophical way. I know that if I make my bed no one will come over and see how clean my apartment is. But if I don’t make my bed everyone will show up at my place. Now I want people at my apartment so theoretically I shouldn’t make my bed. But the act of intentionally not making my bed is karmically the same as making my bed so no one shows up either way. I’m sorry I need to lie down for a little bit…but wait, that means I’ll have to make my bed again and…
3) Have someone else set you up- you’ll save the time of setting up the date on your own.
As I always say, outsource whenever possible. For those reading this in the Kansas City area, I’m not too proud to beg. I find that the outsourcing arrangements that I offer are financially tenable and attractive so help me out here, will ya?
4) Have fun. Make time each week to do something that makes you happy- go to the gym, see a movie, get a pedicure or meet friends for drinks after work.
However, be sure to only have fun one time a week. No more, no less. At all other times be fully aware that you are captive on a planet making its neverending orbit around a remorseless sun. But sure, make sure that you let that go when you get the pedicure. That hour is all unicorns and rainbows.
5) Buy one expensive outfit that you look fabulous in. You’ll always have something to wear and you’ll make a great first impression on dates.
No jokes here as I’ve actually done this. Don’t know if the first impression thing works out but damn, I look smooth.
6) Have your groceries delivered. You’ll not only save time, but also money on things you don’t really need.
Really bad idea. 1) Grocery stores are a great place to meet people. 2) Why would you want to waste money on a delivery service? I know that my spur of the moment purchases wouldn’t overrun the shipping costs. 3) Didn’t webvan and peapod go out of business? I don’t even know who to call to get this done.
7) Designate one day a week as your “date” day and schedule everything around that day.
And God help you if you don’t actually end up with a date on that day. I could just see that being horrible. “Well you see Thursday night is date night for me but I can’t get a date so I just get dressed up and go to a restaurant by myself and then go for a drink and end the night questioning the meaning of life. And I do this for fun.”
Ok, it might meet their purpose of reducing stress to have a set schedule. But I hate it when you put words like relationship and schedule together. I thought all of the fun was the impromptu nature of things. Who wants to live life on a regimented schedule?
8) If you’re not interested in a second date, be up front and tell your date.
I’m more interested in finding out how to get out of blender moments. What, you don’t know what a blender moment is? That’s when you’re talking to someone and you realize that you would much rather stick your hand in a blender than continue with this conversation. I had one of those a few weeks back. I didn’t want to tell her, “I’m sorry, but I’m not interested in a second date.” It was more like. “Please stop talking to me. You’re draining me of my will to live.”
9) Hire a housekeeper
Apparently she’ll address the entire making my bed paradox for me. Not a bad plan, actually.
10) Do all of your shopping online
Because going outside and meeting people is a stressful situation that should be avoided at all cost. The digital world is a much nicer place.
Wow, there was definitely some cynicism there. I just don’t see this as being very good advice. And if you can’t trust unsolicited emails what can you trust?
(Remember contest lines are still open. What do you want to read? What burning questions are tearing at your soul? Do you need a refresher course on the Black-Scholes-Merton option pricing model? Here’s your chance to learn. All you need to do is ask.)
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