Gift advice

You probably saw the headline in Yahoo today. Heck, I had a ton of people email me the link so it had to catch the world’s attention. Apparently, a group of mathematicians at University College London (which is located right across from the hotel I always used to stay at in London) have mathematically determined the most appropriate gift to give a woman in an attempt to maximize relationship success. The idea is that there are three types of gifts. The first is inexpensive gifts. Also known as cheap gifts or the “stuff you bought at Walgreen’s because you forgot it was your girlfriend’s birthday” gifts. The next type of gifts are the expensive gifts that have resale value. Put jewelry in this category. The final gifts are called “extravagant gifts” and these are things like romantic dinner and tickets to a show. They are meaningful but have no resale value.

Before I reveal the results I need to make a comment on the study itself. If there is one group of people that you should never take relationship advice from, it’s mathematicians. Seriously, there are very few people who engineers consider geeky but the math department guys freak us out. I swear if you looked at the pictures of the math grad students at Illinois you would be convinced that you just walked into the middle of a serial killer convention. I just think this should be known before we examine the results.

So, apparently the best gift to give is an extravagant gift. There is a dual purpose to this type of gift. First, the woman receives a romantic and personal gift, thus becoming convinced that the guy is a) committed to the relationship and b) actually paying attention. The guy, on the other hand, by providing a gift that has no intrinsic value ensures that the woman is not into him solely for his money and can thus rest assured that in the divorce settlement he should at least be able to keep half his stuff. Or at least that is my take on things.

Of course this doesn’t answer the burning question in my mind, which is, “What are the overall merits of the mix tape?” If there is any relationship quandary that requires differential calculus it is that one. When’s the right time, what is the right length, are the rules listed in High Fidelity accurate, at what age does it become a really bad idea? Where is my National Science Foundation funding? I’ll volunteer to lead this very significant research. At least this way when people ask me what I can do for a living I can explain it. “I’m determining the effectiveness of the mix tape in attracting a potential mate in an urban environment.” That would work a lot better than “I look at a bunch of numbers on a screen every day.”

I don’t know if I disagree with the research but I think one must point out that the extravagant gift either works very well or ends up resulting in a restraining order. Every guy has tried the Say Anything move. Maybe one time in a hundred the girl is incredibly touched and moved. The other ninety nine times you just convinced her to never talk to you again. Just saying that should be taken into consideration before basing your life on statistics.