Songbook: Volume 1

(Point of clarification to Blog commenters. In the future, please do not post Led Zeppelin lyrics to my Blog. As a free speech advocate it is against my internal code to go out and delete posts. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. But for the record, I hate Led Zeppelin and really don’t need to read stuff from a band that thought writing about hobbits was artistic. Just keep that in mind.)

Ok, time to hit upon one of the things I promised at the end of last week. One of my favorite writers is Nick Hornby, the mind behind High Fidelity. A few years back he put together a collection called Songbook, which is just a group of essays on a couple dozen songs. They’re not song reviews, no discussion of lyrical intent or chord structure, it is more a discussion of how the song fits into your life. (For examples, there are a number on www.mcsweeneys.net) Well, I’ve decided that I’m going to try my hand at this as well. Here is the first in a series

Kelly Willis “What I Deserve”

I don’t remember much of the late 90’s. I wish I could say it was because of heavy partying but it is more because not much was happening in my life at the time. Off the top of my head, I can’t recall a single thing I did in 1997. I mean, I went to work, did a great job, got promoted and things like that but nothing that I felt defined me. If you’ve ever heard the description that on your grave they list the year that you were born, a dash, and the year that you died and it is what happens in the dash that is the important part, I pretty much had wasted part of that dash.

But, there are a few things I remember of 1998. I remember starting to listen to the alternative country scene. I can recall sitting in the hospital room seeing my niece Kayleigh for the first time. And I remember listening to Kelly Willis.

The first time I saw her I didn’t even intend on checking out her show. She was playing at the American Music Festival opposite another band I liked and I just decided to listen to one of her songs. You know, at least make the attempt to listen to a new artist so you could say she sucked and not feel bad about skipping her set. So, as this woman in a sun dress timidly walked on stage I was your typical jaded music fan with no passion in his soul.

Then she started to sing.

And when she finished her first song I didn’t want to buy her album, I wanted to marry her. That night if at all possible.

Because if there is anything that Kelly does it is ignite a fire within you. It’s not through an elaborate stage show or even an unbelievably energetic performance, it is through this soul and heartache and beauty that encompasses everything that she does. One time a critic described her as “an angel with scorched wings.” As much as that is hyperbole I wish I had come up with it first. She sings like someone who has seen beauty and pain and knows a much deeper truth than you will ever imagine.

One of the songs that I heard that first night was “What I Deserve”, which became the title track to her album. It is in one way a rebuke to Nashville and her stalled music career but it is also a song of someone who is trying to find a way to have their talent shown to the world and failing. And when you face life sitting in a cubicle hearing the words “I have done the best I can but what I’ve done is not who I am” puts a chill down your spine.

It’s taken me a long time to consistently find that passion that ran through me when I first heard the song. But Kelly’s music has been with me throughout the journey. Shows what happens when you give the unknown a chance.

Getting through the aftermath

I’m going to try to write a little less about the hurricane tonight. The situation in New Orleans is, in a word, bleak. With the levee broken more and more of the city is flooded and it looks like things are going to get worse before they get better. This is one of those times when I really realize just how little control I have over the world around me. It might be arrogant but I always feel that no matter what happens I can take care of it. But here is something where all you can do is watch and shake your head. As I’ve said before, please support the relief efforts. CNN is not kidding when they describe it as a refugee situation.

It is strange how much this storm has effected me. I left work yesterday feeling like I had spent the entire day watching the rain while it was a beautiful day here in Kansas City. I feel like I need to take a break from the news just so I can get my head on straight and begin to address those things that are within my control. Of course, this means that I just change the channel and see Greta Van Sustren talking about the missing teenager in Aruba for the third straight month. Ok, I admit that I need a break from pictures of utter devastation but is that the answer?

So, I’m going to make sure that I write about one positive thing today. On Friday night I went to see Jack Johnson and had one of my best concert experiences in recent memory. The show was at Starlight theater, which is this nice big outdoor theater. And, for the first time in two weeks, when I went to a concert outside it didn’t rain on me. It was a great venue for the show: really good sound, good sightlines (though it is Jack Johnson, it’s not like there is a massive stage show or anything), and even with it being a general admission show, there was no problem in getting a seat. That might be the most impressive fact, even though it was general admission and a Jack Johnson show the number of drunken idiots was really at a minimum. That was a very nice surprise, I was expecting a number of people to act as if this was their first time at a concert, as well as the first time that they’ve ever had a beer.

Jack put on a great set, playing all of his songs. Which, as someone next to me said, all sound the same. That really doesn’t bother me because he is a surprisingly good songwriter. It is meant to be this laid back, surfer dude music but there is an edge to his lyrics. All in all it was just a great escape, to sit underneath the stars on a gorgeous night and listen to great music with an appreciative crowd. With everything that has gone on since then I need to remember that there are certainly some great things going on in the world. Some places might be going through some tough times but as always, we’ll pull together and get through it.

Katrina continued

Well, the good news is that right before landfall Hurricane Katrina weakened slightly and turned to the east. This means that New Orleans is still standing, though it also mans that Biloxi and Gulfport and all the other towns on the Mississippi gulf coast were hammered. The damage that I’ve seen so far (and you need to remember, they haven’t gotten out to the shore yet) has been incredible. Entire areas are flattened and under water.

I’ve paid attention to the parts of New Orleans that I’m familiar with and you can tell just how close to a catastrophe they came. Just look at the pictures of the roof of the Superdome, it looks like half of it has suffered severe damage. Imagine if they had taken a direct hit, there is no guarantee that the building would still be standing. The French Quarter survived pretty much unscathed. That actually isn’t that surprising, there’s a reason why it is the oldest part of the city. It’s the highest point in the area. I just hope that people watching the news remember that the Quarter is a really small part of the city and it’s not the population center. The east side of the city and the parts that border on Lake Ponchatrain are where the majority of people live and those parts are under water.

I have read one story from the Quarter that makes me smile. In my living room I have a picture of Pirate’s Alley taken from the courtyard of the cathedral. In it you can see the buildings of Pirate’s Alley framed by these large oak trees and a statue of Jesus. The story I saw online is that the two massive trees in my picture were uprooted but barely grazed the statue. It was standing outside the courtyard in June that I had a lot of revelations and it is nice to know that at least parts of the neighborhood survived.

That said, there is going to be a massive relief effort underway with a number of people left homeless. Be generous and help out in any way you can. It won’t be until tomorrow that people have a much better understanding of all that has happens.

I’m hoping to have more positive news to write about tomorrow. I try to look on the bright side of life but on days like today that is a real challenge. You just hope that everyone got through the storm in one piece.

Katrina

I have typically tried to keep the blog a light hearted affair. There are more than enough places online to gain detailed information about serious subjects or to read a story that touches you. I’d much rather make people laugh about the world that surrounds them and maybe, just maybe, give them something to think about at the end of the day. I can’t do that today. Not after spending much of the afternoon watching the news channels. Right now, I’m worrying about an event far away from me that I can’t control.

Everyone who knows me has heard of my love for the city of New Orleans. I wrote about it back in June when I took a couple of days off just to wander the city and put my life back on course. It is without question my favorite city in the world. It doesn’t exist in America, or at least not the America that everyone is confronted with on the television. New Orleans exists in its own little world, a world of art and music on every corner and more stories than you ever could hear. Andrei Codrescu once wrote that New Orleans collects stories from the rest of the U.S., they all just float down the Mississippi and end up collecting in the Quarter.

It’s really tough to describe what the city means to me. When I went through my rough patch earlier this year one of the thoughts that immediately came to my mind is that I have to make my way to New Orleans. Things will make more sense when I’m down there. It is a place that for some reason, whether it is a past life or just a shared mindset, I feel home whenever I am there. And that is why the weather reports are leaving me so concerned.

Hurricane Katrina is bearing down on New Orleans and the city happens to be under sea level and surrounded by water. Everyone I’ve ever met in New Orleans knew that the big one would hit someday, you just didn’t know when. This really looks like the big one. There is a definite chance that the entire city will flood tomorrow. Which worries me but does reaffirm my amazement at mother nature. Here was a storm that was barely together when it hit Florida (to the point that I felt perfectly fine making a bad 80’s music joke Thursday night) and now I’m wondering if in two days the city will be anything like the one that I remember.

Since I can’t control the weather I’ll do the one thing that I can do. If you’re reading this, please keep the residents of New Orleans and the surrounding areas in your thoughts and prayers over the next few days. Wherever Katrina makes landfall the damage is going to be immense. People will need all the assistance they can get. Until then, all I can do is hope for the best.



The five random CDs for the week:
1) Lucinda Williams “Essence”
2) Jack Johnson “Brushfire Fairytales”
3) Gomez “Bring It On”
4) Veruca Salt “American Thighs”
5) The Subdudes “Live at Last”

The State of the Music Industry: Part 2

“Where we showcase artists who just don’t get the attention they deserve” Kylie Haris, host of CMT’s “On the Edge of Country”, which gets a grand total of one half hour a day of airtime. Or half the exposure that Toby Keith gets on a daily basis.

So where are the artists who aren’t getting the attention they deserve? Where are they hiding in the media landscape. The comment made last night is correct, you can find them online. The thing is, I have problems with that method of distribution. It’s pull marketing versus push marketing. You, as an individual, can search out and download songs from people you never have heard of and maybe find a good band. But the effort is on you. I don’t know about other people, but music is my background noise in my daily like. Right now I’m listening to Tift Merritt’s “Tambourine” and have no problem writing to it. If MTV was still around and playing videos I could have that on instead. For the most part, I simply don’t have the time on a daily basis to search out music. That’s where push marketing comes in. Sure, MTV played a ton of crap even on the good days but maybe you’ll stumble across something interesting.

Plus, please do not make the argument that “since artists don’t make much money from selling records you should just download their music.” That is the equivalent of your boss saying “You know, you don’t make the majority of your money from 8 AM to 9 AM so we’re just going to stop paying you for those hours.” If your boss did that you would go after him with a chair. So why does it make it fair to steal music online? Buy songs from itunes or other sites. If the artists has free downloads on their web site go right ahead. But I’ve talked to people like Neko Case, who sells in the tens of thousands if she is lucky, and those few royalties are the difference between having to get a real job or having the ability to pursue her dream.

The thing is, there is undoubtedly some great music out there. And again, I’m basically talking about (and what I feel everyone reading this is focused on) is what would be called college rock. Whatever is left from the grunge scene and the alternative music world. Tunes for people turning thirty. What you have to do is accept that odds are you won’t find what you are looking for on MTV or on the radio. But you might find it on the Garden State soundtrack.

How else would you have heard about the Shins? A great band but not one with much exposure until that movie. Just look at the bands on that disc: The Postal Service, Frou Frou, an old Nick Drake song. You can spend weeks just picking up music from the bands featured there. Those starting points are everywhere. It’s not as easy as turning on the tv at midnight on Sunday anymore but you can find them.

Also, I can’t stress this enough, you have to go out to concerts and support live music. It is what keeps the bands going and it is the absolutely best way to find new bands. Especially if you actually listen to the opening act. When I went to see Damien Rice last year, I barely knew who Damien was and didn’t even know there was an opening act. I got there just as The Frames took the stage and saw a performance that turned them into one of my favorite bands (who have now been written up by Esquire about how cool they are.) By going out and supporting those bands you’ll find someone else who catches your ear, I guarantee it.

And when I talk about going to concerts please do not take that to mean that you have to go to the enormo-shed concerts where it is you and twenty thousand of your closest friends. I took a look at my notes and of the 68 concerts I’ve been to in the past year and a half I had an actual seat for 6 of them. And I even feel that that number is a little too high. Sure, if that is the only way to see Coldplay by all means go ahead and take advantage of the chance but don’t limit yourself to those shows. If I can find a number of cool small venues in a town like Kansas City you know there has to be some where you live.

Great music is out there. One of the reasons I list my five random CDs is because I hope that maybe, just maybe, someone will decide to check out someone that I list. I know that most of them are people you have never heard of (I figure that if you know two or more discs in a given week it means that you are a serious music fan) but they all hold meaning and are worth hearing. What I love about music and books and art in general is that at its core it is one person putting their soul out for the world to see. It is this statement of here I am, this is what I believe, this is what I am. Some of us lack the ability to take that stance, others lack the courage, but we should never stop supporting those who take that risk.




(Coming next week: the prologue to the novel (finally), my response to Nick Hornby’s “Songbook”, and the results of my fantasy football draft. And maybe even an explanation as to why I am in such a chipper mood tonight. Until then, have a great weekend, live life to its fullest, and Erik, enjoy Katrina and the Waves.)

The State of the Music Industry: Part 1

(As requested)

If we are going to make any kind of critical look at the music industry it is important to have some sort of historical reference. So, let’s fire up the wayback machine to this week in 1990, when a young EC was preparing for his senior year of high school and constantly writing and talking to a very nice blonde haired girl from Minnesota who had stolen his heart. Here’s the Billboard Top 10.

#1: M.C. Hammer “Please Hammer Don’t Hurt Em”
#2: Wilson Phillips “Wilson Phillips”
#3: Poison “Flesh and Blood”
#4: Mariah Carey “Mariah Carey”
#5: Anita Baker “Compositions”
#6: New Kids On The Block “Step By Step”
#7: Bell Biv Devoe “Poison”
#8: Keith Sweat “I’ll Give All My Love to You”
#9: Madonna “I’m Breathless”
#10: Soundtrack “Pretty Woman”

Ok, so you might argue that this isn’t a good point in time reference. We’re talking pre-Nirvana here and that is a fair statement. Let’s fast forward a bit to 1995 when a slightly older EC was working at the Dresden nuclear power plant and was still trying to find a way to work things out with the very nice blonde haired girl from Minnesota. Here’s the chart…

#1: Hootie and the Blowfish “Cracked Rear View”
#2: Bone Thugs-N-Harmony “E. 1999 Eternal”
#3: Alanis Morisette “Jagged Little Pill”
#4: Soundtrack “Dangerous Minds”
#5: TLC “Crazysexycool”
#6: Selena “Dreaming of You”
#7: Shania Twain “The Woman in Me”
#8: Jodeci “The Show, The After Party, The Hotel”
#9: Live “Throwing Copper”
#10: Raekwon “Only Built 4 Cuban Linx…”

Slightly better but I have to admit, I’ve posted two top ten charts and I have yet to own a single album on the charts. But you can make the claim that I was just out of college and still poor so let’s move on to 2000, when a jaded and world weary EC came back from a trip to Ireland to a job he couldn’t take anymore and decided to take the GMAT (which I did five years ago this week). Let’s see what Casey Kasem would have been playing.

#1: Nelly “Country Grammar”
#2: Britney Spears “Oops! I Did It Again”
#3: Various Artists “Now 4”
#4: Eminem “The Marshall Mathers LP”
#5: N Sync “No Strings Attached”
#6: Creed “Human Clay”
#7: Papa Roach “Infest”
#8: 3 Doors Down “The Better Life”
#9: De La Soul “Art Official Intelligence: Mosaic Thump”
#10: Soundtrack “Nutty Professor II: The Klumps”

Moving in the wrong direction but not by much. So, where do we stand in the present as EC looks at the calendar and realizes that he will be turning 32 in, yikes, ten days?

#1: Staind “Chapter V”
#2: Various Artists “Now 19”
#3: Faith Hill “Fireflies”
#4: Mariah Cary “The Emancipation of Mimi”
#5: The Black Eyed Peas “Monkey Business”
#6: Young Jeezy “Let’s Get It: Thug Motivation 101”
#7: Coldplay “X&Y”
#8: Gorillaz “Demon Days”
#9: Kelly Clarkson “Breakaway”
#10: Bow Wow “Wanted”

Finally, I own one of the albums. And I’ve been thinking of picking up the Gorillaz. From this perspective, the music industry has improved.

Ok, maybe it hasn’t really improved but I’ve taken you on this historical journey to prove an important point: we all want to imagine that the music from our past was incredible and unbelievably popular but when you look back that simply isn’t the case. If you look at pop charts you find a lot of popular music, much of which just doesn’t stand up a decade later. No one had problems with Hootie or Alanis Morisette a decade ago (and I could have made a case for Alanis as an important artist) but I wouldn’t even imagine picking up a used disc of theirs today. While I am going to make a case that the music industry has turned for the worse I want to base it on some facts and not on a rose colored view of the past.

If you want to make a case for a decline in music in the past decade or so you really shouldn’t focus on pop music because it is just that: pop. It isn’t meant to have any long lasting effects. It is basically licorice for the ears; it tastes good but has no nutritional values and just ends up running right through your system. We’ve had boy bands before and we’ll have them again. It’s formulaic and constant and has been since the days of Frankie Avalon. Now, sometimes it is done better than others. I still get upset when Right Said Fred’s “I’m Too Sexy” is placed on those worst songs of all time countdowns that VH-1 does. It is a simple, funny pop song and doesn’t take itself seriously. That makes it work. So even silly pop songs have their place.

(And I still believe that The Monkees should be in the rock and roll hall of fame. But that’s an argument for another day.)

No, what I really feel is the cause of the decline lies with the labels. As the labels were consolidated and taken over by multi-national media enterprises the music departments have become just another business unit that is expected to show a profit, just like all the other business units. Thus, if a band’s first disc doesn’t hit with the crowd there isn’t a second. Artists aren’t given that chance to grow and get their feet under them. The U2’s of today don’t have two albums to show promise before having a breakthrough disc. They have to hit from the get go and if they don’t, have fun on the indie scene.

Plus, since the music business is definitely that, a business, you have rampant “me too” isms going on at the labels. If someone touches the cultural zeitgeist then every label immediately releases a number of clones to try to catch the wave. It makes perfect sense. John Mayer comes out of nowhere and has a number of hits. Now, John only has one disc and is out on tour so he can’t sit down and write new songs and record a new album. So clearly there is a demand for his music but he can’t create additional supply. But, all the other labels go “Look, we have a young guy with a guitar” and push all of their music. Sometimes this is actually beneficial. If John Mayer hadn’t broken big then I doubt that I’d have been able to hear Howie Day or Damien Rice. On the other hand, it can also be awful. Case in point: the execs in Nashville who decided that since the Dixie Chicks are popular then any three girls singing would work and giving us Shedaisy. That band wasn’t an insult to music fans, it was an insult to warm blooded creatures.

The other big thing that has happened with the labels would be they have gotten rid of their bench strength. That is, those artists who can be counted on to record solid albums consistently but not create a hit have been pushed to the side. This happened a lot a few years ago. The Cowboy Junkies, who have been performing and recording for a decade plus, suddenly found themselves without a label. The most famous case is Wilco, which was even documented in the film I Am Trying To Break Your Heart. Throughout the 90’s Wilco was a critic’s darling but not what you could call popular. They’d release an album like Summerteeth and it would sell about 60,000 copies and be on every critic’s top ten list. The label made money on them but not too much. In the old days, a band like Wilco would be a prestige band and kept on the roster for the awards and the internal artistic pride of supporting such an act. Instead, they were dropped by the label (though were eventually signed by another label with the same corporate parent. Make sense of that one for me.) If you can’t keep Wilco on board, you know there is a serious flaw with the major label system.

I also have to place some blame on MTV (and VH-1). It’s been said before and I’ll say it again, whatever happened to the videos? Ok, I take MTV being more of a culture network now but I have MTV2 and they don’t even show videos. I appreciate the fact that they show old Beavis and Butthead episodes and the occasional Jackass rerun but that still doesn’t solve the problem. For music you really need to turn to the Fuse network, which is received by upwards of a dozen households. What this means is that a major channel for a band to get discovered has disappeared. I don’t know of a modern equivalent to 120 Minutes or Alternative Nation. I have CDs solely because of videos I saw that caught my eye (case in point Cowboy Junkies “A Common Disaster”, which has now resulted in my buying about a dozen discs of the band and one concert attendance). That to me is a serious problem.

(Side point: what I am mainly arguing here is the decline in the two guitar, bass and drums genre of music. Hip hop doesn’t have the exposure problems and while I have some complaints about the genre (mainly that I preferred bands like Public Enemy and De La Soul to what is out there today), it is probably stronger than ever.)

This leaves us with the question: where has all the good music gone? Are we going to be forced to attend Rolling Stones concerts to get our fix (concerts in which you attend not for music but for the ability to say that you attended)? That is what I’ll tackle tomorrow.

(Now, if I could just find the phone number of that really nice blonde girl from Minnesota…)

Troubling signs

A number of items have come across my radar screen over the past few days that have really made me question my faith in humanity. Here are a few of them.

1) Pat Robertson effectively orders a hit on a foreign president over the Christian Broadcasting Network. Do I even need to explain this? I mean, the footage of Pat Robertson praying so that Supreme Court justices would retire was weird enough. This, well, this explains my viewpoint that fundamentalism of any type is typically a bad thing.

2) A television station in Utah refused to air a commercial that takes an anti-war stance. Because obviously, if there is one thing that America stands for it is making sure that the other side is not allowed to be heard. This is something that really galls me. I am a free speech advocate and that means that I have defended the rights of people to say really bad and stupid things because I believe that is the most important right that we have: to say what is on our mind without fear. Now I wonder how true a statement that is.

3) The cable news channels are now covering everything except what is important. Look, I live in (or at least work in) Kansas and there is no need to have day after day of coverage on the BTK killer. Yes, he is a serial killer who did horrible things. But the story is that after a number of years he was captured, he confessed to the crimes, and has been sentenced to effectively life in prison. I just described the story in two sentences. This doesn’t require a two hour Dateline NBC special. It doesn’t require CNN to cover it from every conceivable angle. I’d much rather gain insight into the Army’s discussion of a contingency plan of requiring 100,000 troops in Iraq for the next four years and that gas might stay at over three dollars a gallon for a while.

4) They have released the best of America’s Funniest Home Videos on DVD. A four disc set to be exact. Almost nine hours of guys getting hit in the crotch. As a capitalist, I’m proud of the producers who will make a ton of money by having people send them free footage and then selling it to others. I just feel sad knowing that this set will outsell shows like Sports Night by a factor of fifty. I understand that media flows to the lowest common denominator, I just wish that it wasn’t that low.

5) Mandy Moore has a Best Of album. Didn’t you at least had to have a semblance of a career before in order to achieve a Greatest Hits compilation? Or be a combination of brilliant and unheralded (like Kelly Willis and Beth Orton)? Now it looks like you need two albums and no signature songs and you’ll be good to go.

I still hold out some hope. You have the guys in Old Crow playing music for the joy of playing. They can’t be in it for the money, when you have six guys on stage and three of them are playing the banjo at the same time you aren’t dreaming of platinum sales. That’s what I like finding still exists. Something real and pure.

Raise a Ruckus

Just got back from seeing the Old Crow Medicine Show and since I have a full day at the office tomorrow it is time for some incredibly quick hits.

1) Yes, under my guidance Notre Dame lost to Kansas. I was able to defeat Kansas State by a score of 31-0. Hell, I was able to go to the Orange Bowl and beat Miami 35-31. I play at Kansas and they apparently have Barry Sanders at running back, injure three of my starters (including Brady Quinn), and on three occasions my defensive backs tipped the ball right to a Jayhawk receiver. This is called one of EA Sports “There is no way in hell you are winning this game.”

2) At least I found out the name of ND’s backup quarterback. I swore it was Carlyle Holliday. Didn’t he have another decade of eligibility left?

3) Cool, so once I get the girl to complement my purchase I’m good to go. If I can actually turn this sales clerk into my personal shopper (which is something that I’m definitely considering) things might get interesting.

4) I’ve heard about the Aeon Flux movie starring Charlize Therone. (Yes, I misspelled the name but it’s too late in the evening for me to check it on imdb.) On one hand I’m happy because that was such a cool cartoon and now maybe I’ll be able to find out what it was all about. And that is actually my problem with the movie. The best time for Aeon Flux were the Liquid Television episodes in which the unnamed heroine sneaks around a base, kills an unbelievable number of people, never says a word, and dies at the end of every single episode. You never knew what the thing was about but it looked damn cool. Now it’s going to have a plot and stuff, which takes away a lot of the fun.

5) While wandering around Lawrence I came across the following store: Extreme Christian Clothing. Sadly, it was closed when I passed it. Next time I am in town though, you know I am going to spend some time in there. Trust me, I’ll end up posting something that will have ten times as many words as this store has square feet.

6) Every once in a while people try to gain a better understanding of just what it is like to live my life. Tonight’s concert is a very good example. I go to see Old Crow (a great band for those of you who dig bluegrass) and I go by myself because, well, it’s really difficult to convince people to drive an hour to watch a bluegrass band play on a Monday night. But given that I work on a campus with more than ten thousand people one would expect that I could run into somebody from work. Of course I don’t and I think in all the concerts I’ve attended I’ve maybe run into someone from work twice. Instead I ran into A) one of the chefs at Harry’s who I’ve sat around and talked music with on more than one occasion and B) Bill. Bill who recognized and remembered me. All I remember about Bill was that he was dating this girl named Kristen, who I spent two hours talking to one night about music only to find out she was dating some guy named Bill who went to Kansas State. Given that Kristen is still the coolest person I met out here this is probably the cause of my hatred for Kansas State. So I’m talking music with this guy I kinda know and the only conversation topic that I want to bring up (but can’t) is A) are you still seeing Kristen and B) if not, can I have her number. Somehow, I feel that this may be emblematic of my life.

Attacking the To Do list

Over lunch on Friday I put together a list of things to do this weekend. It ended up being two pages, including some items that have been on my list of things to do for six months. It wasn’t like they were some of the most difficult tasks in the world. One was to get a new battery for my watch but that apparently takes me half a year to accomplish. Looking at the list, I’ve probably taken care of about three quarters of the list. But man, was it interesting getting there.

My first task on Friday night was a fun one, which was going to see Los Lonely Boys and the Robert Randolph Family Band at City Market. This is the same venue that had me standing in an unmoving line for an hour last week, next to a girl that I failed miserably at hitting on and then was forced to stand next to her for forty five minutes pondering my ineptitude. Which means that when I looked at the weather report and saw a serious storm front making its way towards KC I wasn’t in too positive a mood. Got there and Martin Sexton opened the show. This is the second time I’ve seen Martin in the last two months and I’d describe his style as technically brilliant acoustic guitar playing. But like any of the jam band scene performers, it loses a lot of its luster when you’re sober. The Robert Randolph Family Band was a much better set, real high energy and it was a jam band the way I like to see it with more blues and rock influences than anything.

As their set was ending you could see the lightning in the distance. Then the winds picked up and the temperature dropped by about ten degrees in a minute. I then did a mental accounting of the situation. I am standing in the middle of a parking lot next to a metal stage. There is lightning all around. The only cover is under metal awnings. Yeah, once the rain started I basically decided to call it a night. I’m not sure if the people who waited it out got to see at least part of Los Lonely Boys set but given that it rained two inches that night and it was basically an open stage I doubt that it was a pleasant experience.

But that did allow me to get up early on Saturday and run all of these errands that I’ve been putting off. Got a ton of shopping done and in the process I’ve been faced once again with a question that I do not have an acceptable answer for: at what point can you ask a sales clerk out on a date. I mean, when she has basically become your personal shopper and has given you her card can you ask her out? What about the cute girl who works at Barnes and Noble and liked that I was buying a David Sedaris book? Can I set up a date while the credit card purchase is being authorized? I really need an answer here.

The rest of my weekend has been spent in clean up and organizational mode. (Oh, and playing NCAA Football. Where I somehow lost to Kansas. I’ve never been more ashamed in my life.) I haven’t gone on any grand life documentation adventures though I am trying to set up a few new goals to accomplish before the end of the year. Keeping my apartment clean would be a nice place to start. I’d like to avoid these all afternoon cleaning binges that I seem to undertake.

The five random CDs for the week:
1) Coldplay “X&Y”
2) Steve Earle “The Revolution Starts Now”
3) U2 “Zooropa”
4) Josh Rouse “Nashville”
5) The Smithereens “11”

Uncovering more books...

Some odds and ends to close out the week…

1) Some more stats from the booklist. Number of books that have been borrowed from a friend so long that it should technically be considered theft: 1 (sorry Kim, I’ll get it back to you eventually). Number of books outright stolen from my mother: 2 (Ulysses and my (ok, her) collection of Shakespeare). Number of books that I had in my room when I was six years old: 4

2) Here’s another fun one, the ten best titles in my collection. For those of you who like to judge a book by it’s cover

· A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again by David Foster Wallace
· The Dictionary of Imaginary Places by Alberto Manguel and Gianni Guadalupe
· The Muse is Always Half Dressed in New Orleans by Andrei Codrescu
· A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers
· All Families are Psychotic by Douglas Coupland
· The Man Who Was Thursday by G. K. Chesterton
· The Day the Universe Changed by James Burke
· A History of the World in 10 ½ Chapters by Julian Barnes
· Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? By Phillip K. Dick
· Moab is my Washpot by Stephen Fry

3) Absolute best news story of the week comes from Cambridge, England where a group of scientists are proposing transplanting animal species from Africa into the Great Plains of the U.S. The idea is to increase biodiversity and since the Great Plains once were home to wooly mammoths and saber tooth tigers then it wouldn’t be that much of a stretch to support elephants and regular toothed tigers. (Ok, tigers are in Asia but stay with me). This is the best idea ever. Talk about making western Kansas and all of Nebraska a lot more interesting. People would actually want to drive through, it would be a much more convenient safari. Sure, we would have to contend with the occasional mauling but that is the price of progress.

4) For the record, the NOFX song is “Jeff Wears Birkenstocks” from Punk in Drublic. Don’t feel too bad, The Clash’s “Train in Vain” also made the soundtrack. Yes, the song that is not even listed on the liner notes for London Calling because the Clash knew that it could become popular now is being used in a video game. In a way I’m happy because I play NCAA Football a lot and getting to hear Ned’s Atomic Dustbin songs is pretty cool. But it’s sad to know that people I admire have been purchased by Electronic Arts.

5) Pretty much all for the night. I am so happy that Friday is upon us. This week has just been a killer at work and I’ve got a full schedule ahead of me for the next few days. Which should at least mean some new source material. Plus, I have a couple of new ideas for posts (in the theme of the Forgotten Television Shows series) that I’ll probably start next week. I’ll keep things interesting, I’ll promise you that.

Enjoy the last few weeks of summer everyone.

Strolling through the library

As a result of a) the continuing discussion on documenting one’s life, b) a mind-crushing case of boredom and c) an utter lack of topics to write about, I’ve completed cataloging my entire literary library into spreadsheet form. The results are staggering. Here they are, in more detail than anyone would ever want to imagine.

Total number of books: 446
Total number of books if I don’t consider Cliff Notes to be a book: 443
Total number of books in which I am a co-author: 1

(Comment: I would never in a million years have bet that I had that many and I spend every day looking at them. I’m just astounded by that figure. Admittedly, we are talking about a good half a lifetime of purchases and my inability to throw anything away but still, that’s huge. Add the CDs and that breaks a thousand. Insane)

Breakdown by Type:
· Paperback: 269
· Hardcover: 142
· Textbook: 31
· Coffee Table: 4

(Comment: Yes, I have 31 textbooks scattered around my apartment. Half of those are sitting in crates in a closet and are at least ten years old and deal with subjects that I can’t even understand anymore. I mean, it’s not like I’m going to be studying up on Solid State Electronic Devices any time soon but there you are.)

Breakdown by Genre (Partial List):
· General Fiction: 90
· Fantasy: 50
· Humor: 34
· Business: 24
· Graphic Novel: 21
· Science Fiction: 20
· Sports: 20
· History: 18
· Memoir: 18
· Reference: 13
· Travel: 12
· Electrical Engineering: 11
· Self-Improvement: 11
· Writing: 11
· Music: 8

(Comment: I’m still surprised by the General Fiction number but the fantasy number blows me away. For the record, I’ve never read the Lord of the Rings and I stopped playing Dungeons and Dragons when I entered high school. I just want to make that clear. I thought there would be a bigger showing by science fiction but the graphic novels took up a bigger chunk than I imagined. And I find it quite telling that I have the same number of books on electrical engineering as I do on writing. One was my career for six years, the other is what I’ve always wanted to do for a living).

Top Ten Authors (with notes on best known works)
#10 (tie): Cecil Adams (Straight Dope trivia books) and Matt Groening (The Simpsons). 5 books
#8 (tie): Douglas Adams (Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy) and J.K. Rowling (Harry Potter). 6 books
#6 (tie): David Foster Wallace (Insanely difficult fiction topped by Infinite Jest) and Julian Barnes (somewhat pretentious British fiction highlighted by Talking it Over). 7 books
#5: Douglas Coupland (Generation X). 10 books. (Comment: I had to recount that Douglas had actually written that many. Despite his unevenness, he’ll still go down as one of the voices of his generation)
#4: Jonathan Carroll (Bones of the Moon. Creator of the best first two-thirds of a novel that you could ever read). 12 books
#3: Scott Adams (Dilbert) 14 books
#2: Neil Gaiman (The Sandman). 25 books (about half are graphic novels. He’s still my favorite writer)
#1: Terry Pratchett (The Discworld Series). 31 books.

Yes, I have 31 books by the same author. About a quarter of those were purchased on trips through the UK because at the time I couldn’t buy them in the states. I wonder how many people actually own 31 books in total. I have a feeling that I’m off the edge of the bell curve with this one.

I’ll close up with some lessons learned. A) moving companies are going to hate me for all of this, B) I probably should have sold those textbooks back when I had the chance, C) I’m not proud of the fact that one of the books that I own was written by Barry Keating, D) or that I have more books on professional wrestling than on poetry, E) I might not be well read but I’ve certainly read a lot.

Forgotten television shows: volume six

I remember when we first got cable. This is back when you actually had people from the cable company coming door to door and pitching the very idea of cable to you. Getting cable meant that you would have this whole world of cable channels available to you. Which mainly showed reruns of shows that you’ve already seen, strange religious broadcasting and Australian Rules Football. Unless you had Showtime and then it was “All Gallagher, All The Time.” But we were different, we had HBO. And that meant that we had…

Not Necessarily the News

(Also known as The Daily Show fifteen years prior to The Daily Show or Not the Nine O’Clock News ten years later and not British)

It was a combination news parody/sketch comedy show. But, since it was pre-taped months in advance it couldn’t be cutting edge political commentary. Instead you touched upon those old reliable items like “Unrest in the Middle East”, “Reagan is an idiot” and “Make fun of suburbia.” A lot of the show mirrored what the Daily Show does today. A news set serves as the backdrop for stories from field reporters that get more and more bizarre as the show goes on. They would also drop in taped pieces, editing news footage with overdubbed commentary. It was basic and simple but it really worked.

And you can’t forget the most lasting contribution of the show, Rich Hall’s Sniglets. Yes, the words that aren’t in the dictionary but should be. Like Esso Asso, the guy who will drive through a gas station to avoid a red light. Again, I can’t recall Maxwell’s equations for the life of me but I’ve always remembered that definition. I’m not saying that this was high comedy but remember, for a time you could walk into any bookstore in the country (or at least any mall bookstore) and find a collection of Sniglets waiting for you in the humor section.

I guess my point about mentioning this show is not about any one sketch or personality (because seriously, how much can one say about Stuart Patankin) but because it really drove my sense of humor and my writing style. It was one of those shows that I watched when I was ten and was happy that I watched the news enough that I got a lot of the jokes. And I found that being irreverent worked and that you should never take the real world too seriously. Combine that with shows like You Can’t Do That on Television, and The Muppet Show (out on DVD today) and the Monkees and Monty Python and you can see where my wit and writing style comes from. All of those shows are literate without every really showing it and all play with the conventions of normal storytelling. They joke about the conventions and play with them. But all of them held up a mirror to the world, saw what was wrong, and made people aware of it through humor. On my best day, I hope to come close to achieving that. I miss a lot of the time, but I at least try.

Out of left field...

Ideas that are as random as life itself…

1) I would like the audience’s opinion on the following matter. Those of you who have seen the spreadsheet I use to catalog my CD collection know that I mark whether or not I’ve seen that artist in concert or not. I’ve always used the rule that you have to see the band in question, though I have allowed that seeing an acoustic set by the lead singer/songwriter counts as seeing the band. (I.E. seeing Martin Zellar acoustic counted as seeing Martin Zellar and the Hardways but didn’t count as seeing the Gear Daddies). The question is: how do I treat Ben Folds? Can I mark off my Ben Folds Five CDs or do we consider the Ben Folds Five a band in the truest sense of the word?

2) On the spreadsheet front, I should have the results of cataloging my book library later this week. Right now it’s looking like the number is somewhere north of four hundred. Combine that with the size of my CD collection and my standard line of “When I’m depressed I buy books and music” doesn’t sound quite as harmless anymore.

3) Found out today that my company has an official font. I have no idea if that is important or not, I’m just wondering how much trouble I could get in for not using it. I mean, it’s a powerpoint presentation. Does the world end if someone has to look at two different fonts in the same day?

4) For those wondering, yes I did program the names of all of the Notre Dame players into NCAA Football 2006. Including backup offensive lineman. I don’t know why, I just had to do it. Part of me is really thinking about programming in the names of all the skill players of ND opponents and maybe the top 25. Obviously, I seem to have a lot of time on my hands right now.

5) Come on, it’s not like there’s anything on television right now. How much preseason football can one person watch? Thanks to Rex Grossman breaking an ankle, the Bears season is over in August. Sigh. One day we’ll have a good team again. It will happen. Don’t know when or where or why but it will happen.

6) I’m beat. Much better content tomorrow.

Playing Piano in the Rain

Had a very surreal Saturday. It was one of those cloudy, rainy days where all that you can do is stay inside and play Playstation 2. (NCAA Football 2006 is nearing the level of crack equivalent. Dude, they have music in the game from NOFX, Guided By Voices, the Pixies and De La Soul. It might not fully recreate the current college experience but the soundtrack clearly mimics mine. Throw in some Blake Babies and we’d be good to go). Anyway, this is Kansas City rain, where we get two inches in an hour. Which is a slight issue since I had tickets to an outside concert at the historic City Market.

But I figure, hey, it’s stopped raining and the tickets say “Rain or Shine” and it’s Ben Folds and Rufus Wainwright. I’m a huge fan of Rufus and it would be cool to see Ben so I drive there and park about fifteen minutes before show time and there is a huge crowd lined up outside the gates. As in the line to get in is six blocks long. Which is amazing given that it was a) going to be a cold and rainy night and b) it’s Ben Folds and Rufus Wainwright. I mean, did I miss a memo or something? Ben Folds is a known name but certainly not that big of a name. I make my way to the end of the line and figure that the 7:30 ticket time is going to be gate time and we’ll start making our way in soon and I’ll be able to get a drink.

Fifteen minutes pass. A half hour passes. My attempts to strike up a conversation with the really cute girl standing in line with me just completely miss the mark. She just wasn’t buying what I was selling, which made the next forty five minutes of waiting even more unbearable because she was really cute. I mean, if you ever need to know the type of girl who I’d propose to on sight this was it. And given that she was wearing a rain poncho at the time might make it more amazing how quickly I was attracted to her. So, basically I stood out in the rain for an hour until they finally opened up the gates at 8:30 and I was finally able to pay five bucks for a Bud Light. You know, I was at the point where I wasn’t even going to bother complaining.

Apparently, the weather put them completely behind schedule so the opening act was canceled and Rufus’ set was almost canceled. Which, if that took place, would have caused me to start a riot. Don’t know if anyone would have joined me but I was going to break something, that’s for sure. Rufus put on a strong set, though it was clear that the majority of the crowd didn’t know who he was. He did make my day by playing Halleluia, screwing up the words at one point and swearing. Made it that much better.

So, Ben Folds takes the stage and I need to explain that both Ben and Rufus play piano. Well, it was raining pretty much the entire time. Pianos really don’t take changes in weather very well. As we found out when on the second song Ben’s piano broke a string. And a piano isn’t like a guitar where you can restring it in five seconds. They decided to go on with a piano that was missing strings. He put on a good set, covered a Cure song that no one in the crowd recognized (did I mention I was probably the only person there who didn’t graduate from high school in the twenty-first century?) Here is the one thing that struck me from Ben’s set. He played his song Brick. Great song, very touching, important and meaningful song. Crowd sang along in parts, which was cool. Portions of the crowd, probably not coincidentally the portions who feel that wearing Kansas State football jerseys is making a fashion statement, started hooting and hollering. You know, if there is a song that you shouldn’t go “Yeah, woo!” to it’s that song. Anyway, can’t say that the show didn’t give me any stories.

(Oh, and Super, here are the rest of the sources of the quotes. Or at least, as many as I can remember)

8/29/94: The Police
9/2/94: The Police
9/9/94: No idea
9/12/94: Lyle Lovett
9/14/94: Sarah McLachlan
9/19/94: The Radiators
9/23/94: Zachary Richard
9/26/94: Not sure, Matthew Sweet maybe?
10/5/94: Every bad fantasy movie ever made. I can guarantee you that I had a test that day, though
10/17/94: The Drovers (who I have to write about some day)
10/19/94: Sting
10/28/94: Harry “Piano” Smith (I had to look that one up)
10/31/94: Absolutely no clue
11/9/94: This was from some local Champaign band. For some reason the name Alex Chilton is popping into my head but I’m almost certain that’s wrong.
11/14/94: Veruca Salt
11/18/94: Correctly assumed that I had the Veruca Salt lyric in my head
11/21/94: I’m guessing Sting
11/23/94: Absolutely completely no clue
11/28/94: A very old Robin Williams stand up routine
11/30/94: Has to be a grunge band, just not sure which

The 5 random CDs for the week:
1) Jay Bennett and Edward Burch “The Palace at 4am (Part 1)”
2) The Flying Burrito Brothers “The Best of the Flying Burrito Brothers”
3) Loreena McKennitt “The Mask and the Mirror”
4) Allen Toussaint “Connected”
5) Victoria Williams “Musings of a Creek Dipper”

Quotes from the past

It's late. I had a decent performance at poker night making the final table but didn't finish in the money. And no one has helped me out with a list of questions they needed answered. So, I'm going to provide a quote list. This one goes back to college. Every day in class I would start my notes with a random quote. Here is the actual compilation of quotes from ECE 364 (Power Electronics for those of you scoring at home). Ten bucks if you can name the source for all of them.

8/26/94: Begin in the begin
8/29/94: Now that I found you, in the cool fire of your evening smile.
8/31/94: Read the scene where gravity is pulling me around.
9/2/94: What can I do? All I want is to be next to you.
9/7/94: What’s the frequency, Kenneth
9/9/94: Pretty baby, you know my heart is true
9/12/94: She said something about going home, she said she needed to spend some time alone.
9/14/94: Because we are drawn to the rhythm, drawn to the rhythm of the sea.
9/16/94: All I want to do is have some fun before I die
9/19/94: Big ones eat the little ones, the little ones got to be fast.
9/21/94: You’re a human supernova, a solar superman
9/23/94: Stories told in turquoise and gold, voices in the wind, calling out to you.
9/26/94: Now that I’m your favorite thing.
9/28/94: Withdrawal in disgust is not the same as apathy
9/30/94: Calling out in transit, Radio Free Europe
10/5/94: Today is Judgment Day, the blood of the unjust shall flow in the streets tonight.
10/7/94: I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn black.
10/10/94: It’s the end of the world as we know it.
10/12/94: If you believe, they put a man on the moon.
10/14/94: Only to find that heaven is a stranger place than what I left behind.
10/17/94: Thanks for the ring and the coat that I’ll wear upon my back because you know me far too well.
10/19/94: When we dance, angels will run and hide.
10/24/94: I don’t sleep I dream
10/26/94: Light so bright, on a Saturday night, I’m leaving Las Vegas
10/28/94: Don’t ya just know it.
10/31/94: Another day, I thought I’d never see. And you would say nothings changed at all.
11/2/94: Can’t fight the seether
11/4/94: Black hole sun, won’t you come, and wash away the pain
11/9/94: I write these words by a cigarette light, feeling good, feeling fine
11/11/94: Why is the world in love again? Why are we marching hand in hand?
11/14/94: The more you want it the less you’re going to get it back.
11/16/94: Stop laying blame, you know that’s not my thing.
11/18/94: Bend me, shape me, anyway you can.
11/21/94: How strange, seven years disappear
11/23/94: Is it the end or just another beginning
11/28/94: Possibly granola, I don’t know
11/30/94: We’ve got no problems, nothing to do. I still remember, why don’t you
12/2/94: Let’s turn the radio loud, I’m too alone to be proud
12/5/94: Seven days would quickly go, the fact remains, I love her so
12/7/94: The time to rise has been engaged, it’s better best to rearrange
12/9/94: Faraway, so close. Up with the static and the radio

Gift advice

You probably saw the headline in Yahoo today. Heck, I had a ton of people email me the link so it had to catch the world’s attention. Apparently, a group of mathematicians at University College London (which is located right across from the hotel I always used to stay at in London) have mathematically determined the most appropriate gift to give a woman in an attempt to maximize relationship success. The idea is that there are three types of gifts. The first is inexpensive gifts. Also known as cheap gifts or the “stuff you bought at Walgreen’s because you forgot it was your girlfriend’s birthday” gifts. The next type of gifts are the expensive gifts that have resale value. Put jewelry in this category. The final gifts are called “extravagant gifts” and these are things like romantic dinner and tickets to a show. They are meaningful but have no resale value.

Before I reveal the results I need to make a comment on the study itself. If there is one group of people that you should never take relationship advice from, it’s mathematicians. Seriously, there are very few people who engineers consider geeky but the math department guys freak us out. I swear if you looked at the pictures of the math grad students at Illinois you would be convinced that you just walked into the middle of a serial killer convention. I just think this should be known before we examine the results.

So, apparently the best gift to give is an extravagant gift. There is a dual purpose to this type of gift. First, the woman receives a romantic and personal gift, thus becoming convinced that the guy is a) committed to the relationship and b) actually paying attention. The guy, on the other hand, by providing a gift that has no intrinsic value ensures that the woman is not into him solely for his money and can thus rest assured that in the divorce settlement he should at least be able to keep half his stuff. Or at least that is my take on things.

Of course this doesn’t answer the burning question in my mind, which is, “What are the overall merits of the mix tape?” If there is any relationship quandary that requires differential calculus it is that one. When’s the right time, what is the right length, are the rules listed in High Fidelity accurate, at what age does it become a really bad idea? Where is my National Science Foundation funding? I’ll volunteer to lead this very significant research. At least this way when people ask me what I can do for a living I can explain it. “I’m determining the effectiveness of the mix tape in attracting a potential mate in an urban environment.” That would work a lot better than “I look at a bunch of numbers on a screen every day.”

I don’t know if I disagree with the research but I think one must point out that the extravagant gift either works very well or ends up resulting in a restraining order. Every guy has tried the Say Anything move. Maybe one time in a hundred the girl is incredibly touched and moved. The other ninety nine times you just convinced her to never talk to you again. Just saying that should be taken into consideration before basing your life on statistics.

More tips for the single life

(Today’s completely unnecessary Julie Delpy picture is in honor of the new film Broken Flowers in which she stars (or at least appears) with Bill Murray. In it Bill Murray plays a man who gets incredibly depressed after breaking up with Julie. Finally, a movie that I can relate to. Anyway, it’s getting great reviews, Bill Murray is a genius and Julie is in it. Just go and see the film, ok?)

Well, checking my email I found I was spammed with another list of helpful hints for my single life. Here they are, with my comments.

Top ten ways to simplify singles lives in order to reduce stress and free up more time for dating.

1) Turn your cell phone off. It’s amazing how much you can get done when your phone is not ringing.

Please don’t turn your cell phone off. Use it constantly. Text message random numbers. Call your home phone and leave it next to the television all day so you can listen to your tv over the phone. Please, I’m begging you, keep using your cell phone.

Also, how is my social life supposed to improve if I’m not talking to anybody? Do women now go for the hermit lifestyle? Somehow I’ve never been able to turn my anti-social tendencies into the formula for romance. Maybe I’m just missing something here. I don’t even think turning off your phone will save time. It will just piss off people.

2) Don’t make your bed unless you have guests coming over.

I don’t think that I could ever convince my mom with this logic. I’ve tried. The “don’t worry, no one will see it” line just doesn’t carry weight. Plus, I wrestle with this in a philosophical way. I know that if I make my bed no one will come over and see how clean my apartment is. But if I don’t make my bed everyone will show up at my place. Now I want people at my apartment so theoretically I shouldn’t make my bed. But the act of intentionally not making my bed is karmically the same as making my bed so no one shows up either way. I’m sorry I need to lie down for a little bit…but wait, that means I’ll have to make my bed again and…

3) Have someone else set you up- you’ll save the time of setting up the date on your own.

As I always say, outsource whenever possible. For those reading this in the Kansas City area, I’m not too proud to beg. I find that the outsourcing arrangements that I offer are financially tenable and attractive so help me out here, will ya?

4) Have fun. Make time each week to do something that makes you happy- go to the gym, see a movie, get a pedicure or meet friends for drinks after work.

However, be sure to only have fun one time a week. No more, no less. At all other times be fully aware that you are captive on a planet making its neverending orbit around a remorseless sun. But sure, make sure that you let that go when you get the pedicure. That hour is all unicorns and rainbows.

5) Buy one expensive outfit that you look fabulous in. You’ll always have something to wear and you’ll make a great first impression on dates.

No jokes here as I’ve actually done this. Don’t know if the first impression thing works out but damn, I look smooth.

6) Have your groceries delivered. You’ll not only save time, but also money on things you don’t really need.

Really bad idea. 1) Grocery stores are a great place to meet people. 2) Why would you want to waste money on a delivery service? I know that my spur of the moment purchases wouldn’t overrun the shipping costs. 3) Didn’t webvan and peapod go out of business? I don’t even know who to call to get this done.

7) Designate one day a week as your “date” day and schedule everything around that day.

And God help you if you don’t actually end up with a date on that day. I could just see that being horrible. “Well you see Thursday night is date night for me but I can’t get a date so I just get dressed up and go to a restaurant by myself and then go for a drink and end the night questioning the meaning of life. And I do this for fun.”

Ok, it might meet their purpose of reducing stress to have a set schedule. But I hate it when you put words like relationship and schedule together. I thought all of the fun was the impromptu nature of things. Who wants to live life on a regimented schedule?

8) If you’re not interested in a second date, be up front and tell your date.

I’m more interested in finding out how to get out of blender moments. What, you don’t know what a blender moment is? That’s when you’re talking to someone and you realize that you would much rather stick your hand in a blender than continue with this conversation. I had one of those a few weeks back. I didn’t want to tell her, “I’m sorry, but I’m not interested in a second date.” It was more like. “Please stop talking to me. You’re draining me of my will to live.”

9) Hire a housekeeper

Apparently she’ll address the entire making my bed paradox for me. Not a bad plan, actually.

10) Do all of your shopping online

Because going outside and meeting people is a stressful situation that should be avoided at all cost. The digital world is a much nicer place.


Wow, there was definitely some cynicism there. I just don’t see this as being very good advice. And if you can’t trust unsolicited emails what can you trust?

(Remember contest lines are still open. What do you want to read? What burning questions are tearing at your soul? Do you need a refresher course on the Black-Scholes-Merton option pricing model? Here’s your chance to learn. All you need to do is ask.)

Blog contest

Have to start off tonight with a tip of the hat in remembrance of Peter Jennings, who was the best source for news over the past decade or so. I didn’t grow up watching ABC News (I was raised on Walter Cronkite and Dan Rather) but Peter Jennings knew how to take a story and make it important and meaningful. ABC’s evening news was always serious without being preachy over overbearing. Always had a sense of “This is something you really should know about.” He’ll be missed.

Today was basically what a Monday is all about. Had a lot of things to address at work, ran a few errands after work, and ended up watching part of the Bears game on television. I have to say that the Bears first team defense looked pretty strong out there. I still don’t trust Rex Grossman at quarterback but when your other options are Chad Hutchinson and Jeff George I guess you take what you can get. Still, given that this is one of the few times this year that I’ll actually be able to watch a Bears game (unless I decide to break down and get the NFL ticket package or spend even more of my weekend in a bar) so I might as well enjoy it while I have the chance.

I did start my next cataloguing quest. Based on last week’s discussion I have decided to catalog my literary library into a spreadsheet. I don’t think the random number generator will be as effective here (would you want to find out “The random book you are reading this week is Ulysses”). I’m more interested in finding out just how many books I actually have and finally find out if my collection is as loaded with science fiction as people believe. Watch for the statistical breakdown in the coming days.

Otherwise I have very little to talk about. Given that I have a feeling that this week might be more of the same (lots of time in the office and very little creativity), I’ve decided that in honor of my upcoming 200th post I’ve decided to hold a little contest. It’s simple, you name the topic and I’ll write an entry about it. Doesn’t matter what it is. Challenge me. Make me do actual research. Ask me a question that you’ve been dying to know the answer to such as “What the hell does EC mean, anyway?” and “Why don’t I ever know any of the bands in the five random CD list?” Post them in the comments, send an email, however you want to do it. As always, the best entries are eligible to receive a CD from my collection of their chosing. I provide the database, you make the call.

(For the record, I am nearing the 200th post on the blog and we’ve probably had at least that many comments. For a spur of the moment idea I had last October, this has turned out to be a pretty neat little project.)

I still feel alright

Just some quick hits tonight. My brain is fried after spending the day doing laundry, cleaning my apartment and organizing my files. It’s fun when you realize that you still have credit card statements from 1993 (and then place those credit card statements back in the folder where they are being stored.) Honestly, my future biographers better thank me for all of this information that I’ve so nicely catalogues for them. I’ve saved them a lot of leg work. Anyway…

1) Saw (or rather heard) the saddest commercial today. It was a Chevy truck commercial using Steve Earle’s song “The Revolution Starts Now” in the background. This really hurts my image of one of the few people I look up to in the music industry. The song is about being fed up with the current government and realizing that we must all stand up and fight and regain our rights. And now they’re selling trucks to it. We all need to make a living, we all need cash but come on Steve, don’t sell out like that. That’s a song that I’ve listened to constantly this year when I needed to inspire myself to fight on for just one more day. Don’t make me now think of some idiot in a pick up truck whenever I hear the song.

2) Sadly, I can’t provide a review of the Dukes of Hazzard movie. Hollywood is wondering right now why their ticket sales are so much lower than in past years. How about a vaguely original idea every once in a while? They are constantly searching for big Lord of the Rings type epics so now we have The Chronicles of Narnia being pushed into production. I’m not complaining about that film but can an original screenplay get made anymore? My bigger thing is that they are taking old shows and turning them into movies but they aren’t shows that anyone would want to see. The Brady Bunch worked as a film because they played up how odd it was and there are enough people who would like to look back at that with a sense of irony. You’re not going to admit liking the Dukes of Hazzard. I really don’t need to see the Bad News Bears again. Who thought that a Honeymooners remake would draw a crowd? If you wonder why I watch indie films that no one has ever heard of, just look at that list.

3) Here’s a problem with having several hundred cable channels: there is always an episode of Law and Order on. It’s a good show, that’s the problem. Saturday night I’m just flipping through the channels and come across an episode. And then another episode. And suddenly it’s dark out and I realize that I’ve spent like four hours watching episodes that I’ve already seen before. It’s a show with frightening power.

4) My apologies to those people who received phone calls from me late last night. Technically, I wasn’t drunk dialing. I was “In the process of getting drunk” dialing. I still give props to Virgin Mobile Australia who have come up with a command on their cel phones in which you can block numbers so that you can’t call them that night. Meaning, you can program your phone to make it impossible to call your ex-girlfriend at three in the morning. I think that I can speak for all of us in that this option is a very good thing.

The five random CDs for the week.
1) Neko Case and Her Boyfriends “The Virginian”
2) Bruce Robison “Bruce Robison”
3) Peabody “Heroine”
4) Moby “Play”
5) Various Artists “Por Vida: A Tribute to Alejandro Escovedo”

Perfect Mate 7.5

(Author's note: Ok, I feel bad that I've skipped out on the prologue to the novel so I feel a need to provide some original fiction content after all. Plus, Erik essentially referenced the following short story in one of his comments. I wrote this one a few years back as more of a comedy sketch than a story. Like everything I write that I classify as fiction, 75% of it is actually true. And anything that happens to a character named Brian is 90% based on my own life. Hope you enjoy it.

Oh, and the fact that my blog has a link to the framework makes the nine months of effort worthwhile. That is priceless.)

Setting: A cramped one bedroom apartment on the outskirts of a college campus. The apartment appears to be decorated in retro slacker grunge or may not be decorated at all, it is difficult to tell at first glance. Upon entering, one is startled by the sheer amount of paper that is held within the apartment. Page after page of computer printout is scattered around the floor, each page covered with program code and penciled comments like “Junk”, “Meaningless Drivel”, “Immense Breakthrough!!!” and “FUBAR” written over and over again. Intermixed with this is a seemingly endless pile of magazines: Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issues, Maxim, FHM, Victoria’s Secret Catalogs, a couple of issues of Cosmo for variety’s sake, and the odd issue of Swank. In short, the types of magazines that tend to show celebrities in lingerie and discuss how to have more sex, while never really explaining that while you may somehow obtain the latter you will never have it with the former. Given what is on top of the pile, the prudent person does not attempt to determine what might lie below.

If one could find their footing amongst this mess, the room begins to take on a more standard shape. Compact discs scattered around, a pile of dirty dishes sitting in the sink, clothes lying on the couch. In essence, something that screams either college or someone who could really use a cleaning service.

The focus seems to be centered on the computer desk, which is obviously the centerpiece of the room. A mélange of dark black and industrial beige computer components are combined through a maddening mess of interconnected cables. The desk itself is filled with a monitor bigger than the television set found covered by a Guinness t-shirt in a neglected corner of the room. On top of the monitor sits a rather morose stuffed Dilbert doll, covered with beads as if anticipating the Mardi Gras Barbie to come walking through the door any minute now.

Two men are at the computer desk. Typing away at the computer is Brian, a tall, lanky, bespectled gentleman. In short, the type of guy you always hear described by neighbors as, “A quiet guy, really nice. I didn’t even know he owned a chainsaw.” Standing above him, looking around the place in a sense of disbelief is Richard, another lanky gentleman but one who seems to hold himself with confidence even though he finds himself in a world that is not of his making.

R: “This better be good, Brian. We’re missing dollar pitcher night for this.”
B: “Look, after I show you this we will never have to worry about dollar pitchers. We’ll, actually, I mean I’ll, be rich enough that drink specials will no longer hold interest. Anyway, there’s Guinness in the fridge.”
Richard looks towards the kitchen and has a sinking feeling that the wallpaper is apparently moving combined with a realization that he has never seen wallpaper in any of these apartments before.
R: “I’ll take your word on it. So, what is this exactly?”
B: “This my friend, is my masterpiece. I’ve put years of work into this and the program is finally done. I’ve always wondered, who is the right woman for me. I’ve tried talking to people, I’ve tried going to bars. Hell, on the rare occasion I’ve even tried dating. But, it dawned on me that if I put together a database with all of the possible criteria I would be able to model my perfect mate based solely on my inputs. Once I made that breakthrough it was just a matter of gathering all of the data. Not that difficult really, don’t know why anyone else hasn’t thought of it before.
R: “Wait. Instead of going out and meeting women you built an in depth model to determine your perfect mate based solely on the user’s inputs?”
B: “Yes, isn’t it brilliant?”
R: “It’s bloody demented. Christ, in the amount of time you spent on this you would have found somebody. Hell, with the amount of money you spent on this you could of bought somebody. You know, brides do come by mail order now.”
B: “Yeah, but I talked to American Express and they really balked at my plan of exchanging one if I found out I didn’t like it. Plus, have you ever seen the shipping costs on one of those. And, they never seem to poke enough holes in the box.”
R: “Seems like you have put a lot of thought into that option.”
B: “Yes, but that is besides the point. Look, I wrote this program so that any guy could use this. Imagine what I could charge for a program that will tell you exactly what you are looking for. You’ll be your own matchmaking service. You could go up to someone and say that we are made for each other and it would actually be true!”
R: “Ok, let’s just see if this works.”

A flurry of keys are pressed until a screen with “Perfect Mate 7.5” comes up on screen.

B: “Ok, it is really pretty simple. First, it asks for a couple of simple physical characteristics.”
R: “Wait a minute, I’ve seen this before.”
B: “No, you couldn’t have. I didn’t show you any of the prototypes.”
R: “Not the screen you moron, this. This is the same thing as in Weird Science.”
B: “Yeah, but that was with mid-80’s technology. We have the next generation of computer power sitting here.”
R: “I don’t want any part of this. I can guarantee you that Kelly LeBrock is going to appear in that bathroom doorway and the rest of my life is going to mirror Anthony Michael Hall’s.”
B: “Trust me, it won’t happen. Anyway, if it did then I would be stuck as the guy who wasn’t Anthony Michael Hall and at least that would leave me worse off than you. I don’t see them making an E True Hollywood Story about him anytime soon.”
R: “Ok, punch in the characteristics.”
B: “Hair color: red. I have a weakness for redheads.”
R: “I thought you had a weakness for blondes from Minnesota.”
B: “No, I just tend to fall in love with them for much longer than one would expect. Redheads make heart go all fluttery without saying a word.”
R: “Please never say the word fluttery again in my presence.”
B: “Ok, the other things are simple: eye color, body type, height, weight, standard physical characteristics, bra size, you know, all the usual stuff. Then all you have to do is put in personality types.”
R: “You don’t talk to women but you have classified their personalities. How in the world did you do that?”
B: “Well, you know how they tag birds for study.”
R: “I really should not have asked this question.”
B: “Instead of tranquilizer darts I just went to the Backer late at night. It’s amazing what type of data you can collect. So, I am looking for an outgoing, funny, witty, life of the party type, but one with an artistic bent. A performer type. You know, someone who is smart and artistic who will be able to bring me out of my shell. Someone who goes out drinking and dances and will just be fun to hang out with”
R: “And you can enter all of that.”
B: “Yep, and now I can hit execute and I will finally see my perfect mate.”
R: “You mean you haven’t tried it before now.”
B: “Sure, I’ve run tests but that was on standard males. You know, put in what the average guy wants and you get a picture of Pamela Anderson or Brittney Spears. Raise the IQ a little and you get Gwenyth Paltrow. Lower the IQ and you get a bevy of interchangeable porn stars. Here it goes.”

The computers churn as the screen goes black. Slowly, an image begins to appear on the screen. Richard and Brian are first taken aback and then are slowly drawn to the screen.

R: “That’s amazing.”
B: “There has to be something wrong in the program.”
R: “I mean, I am shocked.”
Brian grabbing a pile of computer code: “I must have missed a decimal somewhere.”
R: “You know, I had some reservations about seeing this but I have to admit, that is something I have never seen before.”
B: “Shut up.”
R: “I mean, I didn’t even know there was such a thing as a female Bozo the Clown.”
B: “Shut up.”
R: “Big red nose and everything.”
B: “I told you, there’s an error in the program.”
R: “I know what big feet means for a guy, I shudder to think what it means in this case.”
B: “Ok, I get your point. It doesn’t matter; I’ve already sold the software. Plus, my backup plan is still operational.”
R: “What backup plan.”
B: “Here, restart the program and search for perfect mate: male.”
R: “Uh Brian, I think you’ve known me long enough….”
B: “Just do it.”
R: “Ok.” Punches a few keys. “Brian it came up with a picture of you.”
B: “That’s funny. Try it again, just change the parameters.”
R: “Look, I asked for a muscular, chain smoking biker and it gave me a picture of you.”
B: “I told you, the backup plan is fully operational. I might not know what I am looking for, but if I can get all the women to look for me I’ll find her eventually. Let’s get out of here. I’d buy but Donna’s working tonight so I doubt we’ll have to pay anyway.”

Strike first, strike hard, no mercy

(Ok, I know that last week I promised that I was going to post the prologue to my novel. Which was an easy thing to say since I wrote it a year ago and it's sitting on my hard drive right now. All, I need to do is clean it up a little. Thing is, I never quite got around to doing that this week. And reading it over makes me realize that it's not good enough to get posted just yet. So this is going to be a next week deal. I promise.)

Not sure what to write about tonight. Very long and interesting day at work but it all involves things that I don't talk about in the blogsphere. Given that I signed away my patent and intellectual property rights when I joined the company, that is probably a good thing. But it does leave me a little beat and out of topics before I head out tonight. (I'm forcing myself to take a three day weekend. Vacation: a very necessarry evil.)

Anyway, a couple more comments on Elvis Costello. This was one of those shows where I was the youngest person in the audience. I am still at either end of the age scale at most shows. Typically it's I'm the oldest guy in Lawrence and the youngest guy in Kansas City. Plus, this was one of the few shows that I've attended where I actually had an assigned seat and got to sit down for nearly the entire show. I only go to one or two shows a year that are sit down shows and in a way I'm beginning to appreciate them as I get older. I mean, it is still weird to watch a band rock out while I'm leaning back in the eighth row but I guess that's what happen when you get older and there is no mosh pit anymore.

Oh, and the other big news of the week. My fantasy football league held its draft lottery to determine selection order. I am very pleased to announce that Cobra Kai (team motto: there is no mercy in this dojo) will be selecting fourth next month. That was basically where I wanted to be draft wise. I see there being four marquee players and then a drop off so I'm guaranteed to get one of the players that I want. Then on the return trip I should be able to fill out my backfield and either get a top receiver or quarterback. Now all I have to do is complete my ranking simulation and we will be set.

Can't finish the week without a simulation reference. I think I need to stop thinking about numbers for a while. Have a fun weekend everyone.

Fun with math

(Late post tonight as I just made my way back from Elvis Costello. Because, as in the words of WXRT, "If your Elvis is dead, try ours." Not a bad show, though Elvis was fighting off a cold and he really needs to be in good voice for his material to work. Good set, though. Hem opened and if you want to know just how deep into the alt country music scene I am, I actually knew who they were before they took the stage. When you read that the opening act is Hem and you go, "Oh yeah, that band from Brooklyn" it means that you spend way too much time reading No Depression. Anyway, on to our theme for the week.)

I think I actually beat the guy who did the calculation on "Number of women I could go out with" by a number of years. Back in college, I sat at dinner with two of my buddies (a mechanical engineer and a chemical engineer, and yes, all three of us wore glasses) and we calculated the number of women on the Illinois campus who would go out with me. After a number of steps, including a huge discount rate just for the fact of "Who would want to date an electrical engineer", the consensus was that on a campus of 34,000 students there was a grand total of 14 women who would go out with me. As I sat there stunned at the logic and the final number my buddy Patsy said one of the greatest lines of all time...

"You know, half of those girls are probably fat so the real answer is more like seven."

(Though in retrospect if that truly was the case at least I found the majority of them...)

This probably will not make sense from a guy who really does view the world in terms of percentages but if there is one place where I try to forget numbers it is in the realm of relationships. I found this out in college, if I sat down and tried to figure out where a relationship would go and just what I should do when to create a certain result all I could guarantee was that it would never work out that way. In fact, it would fail in the most brilliant manner possible. Of course, I still make the same mistakes, but at least I'm aware of them.

(Today was another 2.8. It's just been one of those weeks.)

Today's rating: 2.8

To continue on the “documenting your life” topic: the thing that really frightens me is the ability to do multiple regression analysis on your life. I don’t want to know the correlation coefficients for the major events in my life. I know that it would be possible for me to prove that I have better days when I’m wearing a shirt that says Duke basketball on it but I’m a lot happier just leaving that to “it’s my lucky shirt” versus being able to describe it in terms of standard deviations. The fact that I have thought about doing something like this probably means that I am not in the “standard deviation” category anyway. Yeah, there is no way that my life would pass a six sigma process.

(There is one part of my life that I really try not to document. I try to never run a bar tab, just pay cash for every drink. I’d prefer to not get that credit card bill at the end of the month. Even if I could write most of it off as research for my novel.)

Changing topics, I wonder how many people have the dream of waking up one morning and realizing you have a test in a class you hadn’t attended. I get that one all the time. It is always for a mechanical engineering course that I signed up for at the beginning of the semester, went to class a few times, stopped going to class because of some random excuse (like I hate engineering), and realize during finals week that I’ve never dropped the course and I have to take the test. I’ve had this dream for a decade, despite the fact that I never missed a class and could tell you the homework assignment that was due two weeks from now. I swear, one time I woke up and had to turn on the lights and find my diploma just to convince myself that I was no longer in school anymore. I know my subconscious well enough to know that these dreams mean that I’m stressing out and that stress manifests itself in images that are most familiar to me (i.e. school). Well, it’s still better than the dreams where I’m falling…

Oh, saw one news story that I had to bring to a larger audience. From the people that brought you astrology, witch burning, and the earth as the center of the universe we get the following news blurb. “President Bush encourages the teaching of Intelligent Design in schools.” Yes, our president wants to teach creationism. Guess that shows what an Ivy League education accomplishes at the end of the day. I’m sorry but intelligent design is not science. At it’s best it is saying “life is really, really complicated so it can’t be caused by random chance.” Except that random chance is incredibly complicated and powerful as well (study fractals for a few minutes, that’s all random noise creating patterns). I’ve said this before, but if you are going to complain about poor science scores and a lack of scientists and engineers you then have to allow students to learn science. You can be a scientist and still be a spiritual being. But when done poorly spirituality can really destroy a budding scientist. Just a thought.

Happy Picnic Day

Yes, I have to wish a happy Picnic Day to the residents of Australia. Hey, that’s what my calendar says it is. If you ever needed an excuse to move to Australia, there it is. How can you hate a country that has an official holiday labeled Picnic Day?
Saw what is either the most frightening or the funniest thing ever at work today. See, in our parking garages we have dedicated spaces for expectant mothers. No complaints there. Well, other than those spaces used to be for visitor parking and I used to take advantage of those when I still had Illinois plates on my car but I’m not going to complain about using the spots for expectant mothers. Coming back from running errands over lunch and I turn into the garage to see that our campus security had placed a Denver boot on a car parked in the expectant mother spot. Yes, if you illegally park on campus, we will lock your wheels to make sure that you can’t leave. On one hand, this is the funniest thing in the world. Finally, some revenge on people who park where they shouldn’t. On the other hand, what does it mean when you can drive to work in the morning and have a Denver boot placed on your car by your own company? That just seems a little extreme for my taste.

Ok, for those of you who didn’t check out the link on the comment on yesterday’s post please check it out now. Otherwise, what follows isn’t going to make a lick of sense. That was one of the most interesting things that I’ve read in a long time. Sadly, I read something like that and think, “Wow, I should do that.” Maybe not chronicle every single aspect of my life in a spreadsheet but you have to say that it has its merits.

There is some uber geekiness to it. Ranking every day on a five point scale is odd. Cataloging every single person you talk to on a day to day basis is strange. Getting into an argument with your girlfriend over not spending enough quality time together and providing a mathematical model that 75% of the time you spend together is quality time is a guarantee that you will never have a girlfriend for as long as you live. But keeping track somewhere of what one fact you learned that day along with a picture from that day sounds really cool. It’s a scrapbook for your life in that effect. Admittedly, you can tell that this guy is an artist. If someone like me tried to do all of this we would be viewed as so obsessive people would have drug companies sending me free samplers.

I do chronicle a fair share of my life already. My CD collection is in a spreadsheet with artist, title, genre and whether I’ve seen the band live noted. I’ve also been keeping track of every concert I’ve been to since 2004. I have listed (in the same notebook) every book that I’ve read since 1998. Utilizing the back cover of a copy of the Cliff Notes of The Catcher in the Rye I have kept track of every book that I’ve read that has Cliff Notes for them since high school. And I’ve been keeping a writer’s journal since 1998, which has since evolved into the blog. Is this geeky? Of course it is. But I have a very good reason for doing so.

There is something special about being able to flip back through a few pages of a notebook and remember what you were reading back in 1999. Or see how your tastes have changed. Plus, our memories our pretty faulty on the surface but there is a great deal of recall if you provide a clue to the story. Here’s my example. A few weeks back I posted a story about this girl from Australia I met named Alison. Until I reread that story, I had no memory of her emailing me after we both got back from Ireland. But once I read it I remembered how cool that was that someone would say hi from the other side of the world. That might have happened seven years ago but it still put a smile on my face. That’s why I write the stories, you see. So that they will be remembered.

No, I’m not going to convert my life to spreadsheet format. But I’m going to continue to chronicle it. Because while other people may not find it interesting, it certainly makes my day more complete. (Though for the record, today was about a 3.2.)